Disappointments

Details! And all those little things that seem to have no consequence.

When they’re all strung together, sometimes God gives us a glimpse of what He is doing behind the scenes in the midst of our disappointments. That happened to me one Saturday morning.

As I climbed into the car and turned the key in the ignition that morning, I looked longingly at the clock on my dashboard. How I wished I could skip my writers group meeting so I could attend my grandson’s soccer game where he was to receive a trophy.

A month earlier, however, friends from church, whom I’d frequently encouraged to attend our writers group, informed me they were coming. Laurie was an excellent writer and had battled cancer for 15 years. Recently, she’d had another bad cancer scare. She was improving now and with her beautiful testimony, she was writing a book about prayer with her husband. I had planned all month to be there to greet them and encourage her in her writing.

When Pete emailed me the night before to tell me he would be coming alone because Laurie was not feeling well, I wrestled with skipping the meeting and attending my grandson’s soccer game instead, but I continued to feel that I should be there for Pete.

As the meeting was about to begin, I was pleasantly surprised to see Pete and Laurie both walk in the door together. Laurie had come after all. But it had not been without some struggle and disappointment of her own.

As we sat down, Laurie shared her deep disappointment at having to pass up a free ticket to a Beth Moore event. After her recent cancer scare, she needed encouragement and had welcomed the opportunity for some inspiration. But the night before, she had not been feeling well and gave up the ticket. When she actually did feel better in the morning, it was too late. Someone else had the ticket, And so she had come to the writer’s group.

As the morning evolved, however, we both discovered God’s reason for our disappointments. His plans were indeed higher than ours.

God Had a Reason

After the large assembly time that morning, we split into critique groups. According to custom, Laurie and Pete were placed into my group since they were newcomers and I was their sponsor. Two people in our group brought writings for critique. The first one brought a chapter of a book she was writing about anticipatory grief. It was a term I’d never heard before, which refers to a period of time when a person is dealing with an inevitable grief that hasn’t yet arrived, but keeps the heart “on hold” with hope mixed with fear while waiting for that dreaded moment when grief and loss threatens to sweep down upon them.

I was the reader that morning, and as I read each beautifully written word about the feelings one encounters in anticipatory grief, I glanced at Laurie and Pete across the table, wondering how this was impacting them: this was indeed the journey they themselves had been walking together for years.

About two-thirds of the way through the reading, Laurie got up and went to the restroom. I stopped and asked Pete, “Is Laurie alright?”

“I think it’s more of a bladder problem than an emotional one,” he said reassuringly.

Later, however, as we went around the group for people to make comments, we discovered that was not entirely true.

Lack of Faith or Anticipatory Grief?

As Laurie began to speak, she could hardly get the words out, then broke into tears. When she collected herself, she spoke resolutely.

“This book needs to be published as soon as possible! I have cancer,” she announced to the group. “We’ve been walking through this for 15 years, and I never knew this term. When I had these feelings I always thought it was a lack of faith. I never knew until now that these were normal feelings.” She choked back tears and resumed. “I was so disappointed that I couldn’t go to see Beth Moore this morning. I never imagined God had something even more powerful planned for me today at this meeting.” The tears spilled down her cheeks now as she let go of the emotions welling up inside her and allowed the words she’d heard to take hold in her heart. As acceptance and healing washed through her, the significance of that moment spilled out onto the rest of us sitting around the table as well. We all knew God had orchestrated this time.

By now, I was crying too along with the woman who was writing the book. Around the table, when each person offered comments, hearts were laid bare as they poignantly shared personal stories of grief and healing.Tissues were passed around the table, and everyone sat in wonder at what God had done when he sifted through our plans that morning to bring us together. It truly was one of those beautiful “God” moments.

So, yes, I missed my grandson’s soccer game and Laurie missed the Beth Moore event, but God had planned something so much more amazing than if things had gone along according to our own plans.

One of the things I have been learning lately is that if I can relax and surrender each moment to God, even when things are going contrary to what I want, God uses each of these moments as one more step, one more detail, one more piece of the puzzle He is using to make something happen that is beyond my imagination.

“I know the plans I have for you, plans for [your] welfare, not for disaster, to give you a future and a hope.” (Jeremiah 29:11 — Holman Christian Standard Bible)