AS WE APPROACH THANKSGIVING and the holidays, some of us grapple with a nagging concern about some of the extended family challenges we might encounter in the midst of the festivities. One of those at the top of the list is the mother-in-law/daughter-in-law relationship.
This month I am delighted beyond measure to interview Becky Hunter, co-author of Why Her? You, Your Daughter/Mother-in-law and the Big Picture. Becky is the wife of Joel Hunter, pastor of Northland a Church Distributed in Longwood, Florida, which has an active congregation of 20,000 worshippers. But even more special to me, she is my pastor’s wife and a dear friend. One of the unique things about Why Her? is that it’s written from the perspective of both the mother-in-law and the daughter-in-law. (Flip the book to see the different perspectives.) Becky and all three of her daughters-in-law corroborated together to produce this gem of a book about what can be a very challenging relationship. And I can personally attest to the authenticity of what they share in the book.
As president of the Global Pastors Wives Network from 2006 through 2008, Becky led seminars on five continents and was featured in TIME magazine for her ministry to pastors’ wives. She is also the author of, Being Good To Your Husband on Purpose. More than 20,000 people receive her weekly blog Random Bits of Wisdom.
Linda: Becky, tell me, how did you and your daughters-in-law come to write this book?
Becky: My three daughters-in-law and I always had a good relationship. We were often asked how we made the mother-in-law/daughter-in-law connection work. On a family vacation one summer we started talking about why it is that we get along so well and made a decision to write down what we understood about the m-i-l/d-i-l relationship, hopeful that our understanding and experience could help others. We dove into nine aspects of the m-i-l/d-i-l relationship. Each of my daughters-in-law wrote about three of the nine topics from a daughter-in-law perspective and I wrote on the same nine topics from a mother-in-law perspective. An unanticipated but great result of the project was the growth it brought in our relationship with each other. Now, in addition to what we wrote in the book, we tell m-i-ls and d-i-ls that if they get an opportunity to work on something together they might be surprised how positively that alone can affect their relationship.”
Why So Difficult?
Linda: Is there something in particular that makes many mother-in-law/daughter-in-law relationships so difficult?
Becky: “Great question! And the short answer is yes; two women love the same man — one believing her role is to protect him and the other believing him to be her protector. So, the chances of these two women seeing eye-to-eye can be pretty remote. Issues within this relationship are wide ranging. There are so many daughters-in-law that fear their mothers-in-law that there is a clinical term for fear of a mother-in-law! Such fear is called pentheraphobia.” But it’s not just daughters-in-law that have struggles it’s the mothers-in-law as well. And these issues are not new! We even see an example in Greek mythology; the story is told that Cupid’s mother, Venus, the goddess of love and beauty was absolutely beside herself when she found out that her arrow shooting – heart-piercing son had fallen in love with and secretly married the beautiful Psyche, a woman who was only human. Venus put Psyche through several insane tests, always hoping against hope that Psyche would fail.
Linda: Is there anything that a mother-in-law could do to keep from being intimidating or that a daughter-in-law could do to keep from failing?
Becky: When a mother-in-law sees her daughter-in-law from God’s perspective, she begins to not only better understand but also better support the God-given dreams of her daughter-in-law. She doesn’t try to shape her to fit her own wishes. But no two m-i-l/d-i-l relationships are alike so every mother-in-law has to wisely consider what makes the most sense in building her specific life-long relationship with her daughter-in-law. There will be times when the most help is simply staying out of her d-i-l’s way and there are other times when pitching in will bless her d-i-l, but always the most effective help will be when she really prays for her daughter-in-law; and I do mean prays for her, not prays about her!
And as far as a daughter-in-law doing what God loves and what will matter most for the m-i-l/d-i-l relationship and give it the best chance to thrive, the most important thing she can do is to be a loving, helpful, respectful wife to the man that mother-in-law poured her life into all those years.
Linda: If you could share one thing that might help someone have a better relationship with their mother-in-law or daughter-in-law what would you say?
Becky: To mothers-in-law I would say, think about how you would want to have your mother-in-law treat you and be that kind of mother-in-law! To daughters-in-law I would say, think about what kind of daughter-in-law you would like to have some day and be that kind of daughter-in-law! It’s amazing how well this works whenever it is applied. Of course, I can’t take any credit for this brilliant strategy, it was Jesus who said “Do unto others as you would have them do unto you.”
Trouble During the Holidays
Linda: What would you say to a woman whose marriage is in trouble and knows she will be spending time during the holidays with a mother-in-law with whom she has an uneasy relationship?
Becky: Good time of year to be thinking about that! First, it’s important to pray for wisdom and peace before you ever head in her direction. Use Philippians 4:8 as a filter for your prayer – “Fix your thoughts on what is true, honorable, right, pure, lovely, and admirable. Think about things that are excellent and worthy of praise.” When we do that, Scripture promises that such godly things are put into practice and God will be with us and we’ll experience peace.
Second, always be intentional about interacting kindly with your husband and don’t forget to do that when your mother-in-law is around. When relationships are rocky, it is especially important that our words and actions spring from intentional “thinking” more than they do free- wheeling “emoting.” If we don’t want to be staring regret in the face at the end of the day, we have to make wise decisions. Being a good wife ranks priority over being a good daughter-in-law; but the truth is, in a perfect world, being a good wife, is the best definition of a good daughter-in-law.
Flip the book, and it’s about the mother-in-law
And third, take a moment to do something special for your husband’s mother…without expectation of her responding. You could do something really simple, like send her a sweet note or flowers a few days before you get together, or as complex and challenging as prepare and clean up a dinner while you are together, intentionally giving her some time to catch up with her son. All that said, I bet you have a pretty good idea of what your mother-in-law appreciates, and what better time to go the extra mile in spite of a troubled marriage than when you are engaged in family gatherings and traditions over holidays? Say a prayer and bring your best self to that table!”
Linda: What great advice! In spite of the challenges of the situation, I can see how your wise recommendations could actually help promote healing as a whole. What lead you to choose the title Why Her? for a book on the mother-in-law/daughter-in-law relationship?
Becky: As we wrote the manuscript we referred to our efforts as “The MIL/DIL Relationship” but as we got to the final chapters, conversations among the four of us often revolved around the fact that God has a purpose for each relationship in our lives; there is something we can learn from each person, some way we can improve personally because of them, some opportunity to encourage the other. One day Elizabeth suggested that the title “Why Her?” might be most to the point. That really resonated with all of us. We hope each DIL and MIL will consider why God has this woman in her life. He does have a purpose, and whether His reason is rooted in a “so that…” or an “in spite of…”, there is a reason she is in your life.
Linda: And that takes us into the sub-title of your book, “You, Your Daughter/Mother-in-law and the Big Picture”. Sounds like your book shows us that there’s more to this relationship than just the nuts and bolts of interacting.
Becky: Yes, we believe Why Her? Is aptly titled for the book emphasizes “why to” more than a “how to” work on this unique woman-to- woman relationship: in a world where jokes like this one about mothers-in-law are the norm:
“Do you know the real reason the Garden of Eden was so perfect?”
“Umm. No.”
“Because Eve didn’t have a mother-in-law!”
The daunting challenge inherent in the mother-in-law/daughter-in-law relationship is universal. Unless we understand why a positive connection between a m-i-l and d-i-l matters nothing will ever change. Through biblical principles, anecdotes and personal examples, I hope that Why Her? can inspire each married man’s wife and mother to try or perhaps try again to appreciate each other.
Linda: “One final question: Where can people find more information about Why Her?
Becky: Why Her? is available in both softcover and Kindle versions at Amazon.com. Additionally the book is available in the bookstore at Northland, a Church Distributed at 530 Dog Track Road, Longwood, FL 32750. Thanks, for this opportunity to share about Why Her? Linda. I really appreciate that.
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