My husband and I recently watched the movie “Parent Trap” on TV, in which two eleven-year old girls randomly meet at a summer camp. When they discover they are actually twins, separated at birth by their divorcing parents, they contrive together to reunite their mom and dad. By switching places and working together, they ultimately succeed, and the family comes together again in a resurrected marriage.
While chatting about the story afterward, Marv and I agreed that several years ago we would have thought it pretty unlikely for a marriage to reconcile after an eleven-year divorce. But, surprisingly, today we actually know a couple who did exactly that.
As we talked about Clint and Penny—the couple who’d been divorced for eleven years and reconciled, it occurred to me they weren’t the only ones. I remembered a story I included in my book about another couple who experienced a resurrected marriage after being divorced for eight years. And in both cases, these marriages are continuing to thrive.
Having been in ministry to marriages in crisis for the past eleven years, we were able to recollect more and more couples whose marriages had collapsed at some point and then been resurrected years later. Strange, how the closer you are to an issue, the less preposterous the possibilities become for something like a resurrected marriage that otherwise may seem improbable—if not almost impossible.
Of course, our personal story was a starting point. We ourselves had experienced our own resurrected marriage after three years of separation. And to many people, that seemed impossible. As we continued to talk about it, we each conjured up memories of couples who had been separated for several years, and others who had divorced and remarried.
The difference between the movie fantasy and the real life reconciliation stories however, was that it took more than a candlelit dinner and a few resurrected memories to put the marriages back together. Fantasy and reality do differ in that respect after all. And what brought people back together in real life was change. Someone—or in most cases, both someones—changed.
When a divorce or separation occurs, it means something in the marriage is broken. It may simply result from a failure in the ability to communicate or resolve conflicts, or a serious imbalance in the dynamics of the relationship. Or perhaps the marriage came under attack by either an outside assailant or a toxic dependency that was allowed to invade the marriage.
The beautiful reality about how God created us, however, is that change is possible, and a new resurrected marriage between the same two people can grow from the willingness to change.
In my experience, change happens when at least one of the parties humbles themselves before God and allows Him to sift their hearts and lives. As they can begin to see themselves through God’s eyes, they then start to recognize their own flawed behavior that may have contributed to the demise of the marriage. Although, their partner undoubtedly contributed to the downfall of the marriage as well, the one partner’s willingness to change can set positive things in motion.
Can candlelight and lovely memories bring a marriage back together? Yes. But chances are the new marriage won’t last if change has not taken place as well. The starry-eyed reconciliation stories I have witnessed eventually come crashing down when couples do not put the necessary work into creating something new between them. Change is necessary.
God is a God of hope. But He is also a God who wants to create something new in our lives. The beauty of a resurrected marriage is built upon the humility of two people willing to let God mold them into His design where love and respect can thrive between them.
And it can start with just one.
If you want a resurrected marriage, Fighting for Your Marriage while Separated by Linda W. Rooks will give you the practical help you need to guide you through the complexities and confusion of a separation. Reconciliation is possible–even if you’re fighting for your marriage alone.
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