The Gift of Time: A Birth Mother’s Memoir, Author Interview with Julie McLaughlin

EACH MOTHER’S DAY there’s a brave set of mothers sitting in the shadows that many of us are unaware of. But the love they have given to their child is perhaps one of the most unselfish and sacrificial of all, I’m speaking of birth mothers who have placed a child for adoption.

What is the birth mother’s journey like? And how will she feel years later if and when she connects with that child? How will others react? How does a story that began with a heart-rending decision culminate for each member of the adoption triad?

In her heart-stirring memoir, The Gift of Time, A Birth Mother’s Memoir, Julie McLaughin, tells her story about meeting the child she placed for adoption 40 years earlier and how it impacted the lives of all those involved. Please join me to hear more.

Linda: What inspired you to write The Gift of Time: A Birth Mother’s Memoir?

Julie: In June of 2018 I received a call from the son my husband and I placed for adoption when I was 19 years old and still unmarried. Forty years later, at age 40, this young man had just found us through an ancestry service and Facebook.  When we shared the secret we had kept from most of the people in our lives about this adoption, including our two daughters, who were his biological sisters, everyone said “You need to write about this.”’

Linda: What time frame does this book encompass?

Julie: The book begins with the phone call on a late June day in 2018 that ultimately changed our lives.  It covers, in small chapters, the 40 years of the secret I held in my heart about the son I had placed for adoption.  It touches briefly on my decision to go away to live in a home for unwed mothers, my time spent there, delivering my son, and the time after . Although it spans  the years between 1977 through 2018, it’s written in, what one of my readers calls, “short, vignette-like chapters” , which she particularly enjoyed.  It then describes the circumstances of meeting our son for the first time, getting to know him and his family, and ultimately telling our world about him, and introducing him to our family.

Linda: Did you ever have a crisis of faith throughout your adoption journey over the decision you made?

Julie: It was a very embarrassing time for me when I got pregnant at age 18.  I was supposedly, a “good Catholic girl.”  President of our youth group, singer at Mass on Sunday.  And, yep, I got pregnant.  I was ashamed, devastated, and scared.  But I was very lucky in that, ironically, BECAUSE of that involvement in my church, I was close to our Parish Priest.  And I had learned from him about a woman who provided adoption help.  With the help of our Priest, I made the hard decision to place my baby for adoption.  I always felt – and, do to this day – that I had made the right decision.  To give the child the life I was not ready to give.  To give a mom and dad who were not able to have a baby the chance to be parents.

Linda: What are some positive things you can say about adoption that might help a woman who is considering a decision like that today?

Julie: First of all, I don’t think there will be many closed adoptions anymore.  I think that ship has sailed.  Anything you see now seems to be open adoptions.  So a girl who has an unplanned pregnancy has the opportunity, for example, to choose the parents she wants to raise her child.  When my book came out, I actually had people in my life who I didn’t know were adoptive parents, come up to me, throw their arms around me, and say, “If it weren’t for women like you, I would not be a mommy.”

Ironically, and I do not think anything is ironic, our son’s wife – our daughter-in-law — for 13 years could not get pregnant.  She prayed and prayed to get pregnant and it was not happening.  She contacted the same agency I had used for our son and requested a baby.  She adopted a daughter and two years later, got pregnant – and then she got pregnant again.  She has shared with me the experience of being both an adoptive mother and a biological mom.  A letter she gave me on my first Mother’s Day after we met them was so poignant.  Part of the letter is cited in my book.  She thanked me – like she thanked the woman who gave her her daughter, Madelyn — for the most unselfish gift a person could give – to a perfect stranger.  The gift of motherhood.

There are so many support systems in place for women facing an unplanned pregnancy.  My end result has been nothing short of a miracle.  That is not to say it is not difficult.  Our son always knew he was adopted.  He had terrific parents.  But we have so enjoyed getting to know him and his extended family.  He truly appreciates the decision we made back then – and has told us so.

If a woman is facing an unplanned pregnancy, I would urge her to reach out to her church, or a pregnancy organization in their area.  I would hope that she would be met with open arms.  It has been the biggest blessing in my life.

Linda: Being so vulnerable by writing a book like this must be difficult at times. How was the writing experience for you?

Julie: There were some hard times in writing the book when I almost quit.  It is not easy putting yourself out there in all your vulnerability.  But it was the most freeing, exhilarating, rewarding and, ultimately, important thing I will ever do.  For one thing, it forced my husband and I to talk about issues we had never discussed – not in forty years.  It opened doors that were closed for us.  It was a huge relief to be able to talk about this.

In the end, I gained so much.  Forgiveness, relief.  I have felt pure JOY and HOPE.  For over 40 years, I held the stigma of a teenage pregnancy in every fiber of my being.  Never in my wildest imagination could I have imagined that telling the world – and, most importantly, our daughters and immediate family and friends — about this sad and heart wrenching time in my life.  What I got back was nothing but love.  One of my friends said, “Julie, you gave a gift all those years ago.  God has given it back!” 

Linda: You’ve told me that some people have described this as a true love story. What do you want people to know about your book, The Gift of Time that might help them?

Julie: For 40 years I kept a secret from most of the people in my life.  I thought I was doing okay with that secret.  In hindsight, maybe I was not doing a-o-kay, but getting by.  After opening up about our adoption journey – having to sit down and write about it – having to talk to my husband about it — having to face issues we had never talked about before – I feel at peace and relieved.  Our youngest daughter even said she sees a new “me.”  If you have a secret – maybe you could share it with somebody.  Find a counselor – a priest – a best friend.

I had the opportunity to meet other birth mothers.  We felt like soul mates having shared the same journey.  Just talking about it helped. Almost like a counseling session.  I have had adoptive parents thank me for the gift of a child.  I guess I knew these things in my heart – but to hear somebody thank me for it, somehow validated the decision we had made.  I never imagined those types of reactions.  All I could ever conceive of was that my news would be met with “shame, shame, shame!”

It is amazing how many people have adoption-like stories.  With the influx of DNA and ancestry kits and social media like Facebook – both of which contributed to our son finding us – situations like this are happening all over.

I think an important lesson might be: There is enough love to go around.  If we open our hearts and let the healing in, we can find peace and joy and hope.

Our lives changed drastically when our son found us.  We all could have closed up and not let him in – or vice versa – but we adapted to a new norm.  Definitely a new and different family dynamic.

Linda: Is there anything you learned or have taken away with the writing of your Memoir?

Julie: I have learned that we all have a story.  Everyone is facing some type of crisis or trauma or unhappy or unhealthy situation.  I have learned that an open line of communication is very important.  I never knew some of the feelings my husband had because we hid it under the rug and never talked about it.  He did not want to open the wounds.  Sometimes you have got to open the wounds to get to the infection.  Support groups help.  I discovered that I was probably suffering from Post Traumatic Stress Disorder all those years – and never really knew it or identified it as such.  Even though I had some health issues that may have been the result. Writing this book and sharing it with my family and friends has opened the door to a whole new world.  And healing and hope for an exciting new future with our son and his family.

It has been pure happiness in finally meeting and getting to know the man who started off as the boy we would never know.

Linda: Thanks so much for all you’ve shared. If other women have faced similar circumstances and want to reach out to you, are you open to that? Where can people find you and your book?

Julie:  The Gift of Time, A Birthmother’s Memoir is available on Amazon. I love speaking at events or book clubs. And, yes, if anyone is going through some of these issues and wants to reach out to me, they can email me at juliemclaughlin1019@gmail.com