“I did everything I could to keep it from happening,” she said. “I asked him to give it another try. I suggested we go to counseling. I even pleaded with him. Nothing worked. We’ve been divorced now for a year.” Her sad eyes told me she still wanted her marriage. She didn’t want a divorce, but she was out of answers.
What could I say to her? Yes, she’d done everything she thought could help. But, unfortunately, the approach she took—which countless others take as well—usually fails to bring about the desired results. She didn’t want a divorce, but divorce came anyway.
It’s a story I’ve heard too many times. A story that ends the way no one really wants, but seems inevitable. But is it?
Doing What Comes Naturally
No one expects a separation to happen . . . or a divorce. And if it does happen, at least one of the parties is usually unprepared. They don’t know what to do so they do what comes naturally. But “naturally” usually takes them down the wrong road that eventually leads to divorce. There is an answer though. There is a right way to respond that has a good chance of saving the marriage.
If you are in this situation, and your spouse’s decision to leave or file for divorce, catches you off guard, and if they seem to have made up their mind on this course of action, if you don’t want a divorce, the first thing to do is not to plead, but to give them space.
If a spouse has actually left the home or says they want a divorce, they are usually running from conflict—whether that conflict is in the home or a conflict raging within their own head. Chasing after them with questions or trying to persuade them to come home or do something to help the marriage, causes them to experience more conflict. Giving them space, and then following up with positive words when you have contact, can ease their fears of your being the source of further conflict.
When you speak words that are positive and encouraging, you don’t need to show acceptance of what he or she is doing. Simply say things that communicate your acceptance of him or her as a person. Let your positive words be sincere, not stilted or forced. Try to think of something. . . anything . . . that you really mean, no matter how small. A “thank you for picking up the kids,” can do. Or “I’m glad the apartment you’re renting is close by.” Or, “I like the new way you’re doing your hair.” Positive interactions provide a safe environment that can move your relationship in a more positive direction and create a path forward for possible reconciliation.
Calming Your Turbulent Emotions
Meanwhile, as you take this positive attitude toward your mate, you also need to discover ways to deal with your own turbulent emotions and find answers for your own journey. The decision to give space and speak positively, when your heart is breaking and your emotions are on a roller coaster, needs supernatural backup. And supernatural backup is available. God is waiting on the doorstep of your heart, wanting to give you His peace, His wisdom, and His love. He has answers for you. So in the midst of your turmoil, reach out and invite Him in to sit with you in your grief. He has much to teach you and show you. He can lift you up during these hard times. He will walk with you on this journey.
I Don’t Want a Divorce
Realize, too, that you need to give this time. When separation or serious steps toward divorce occur, something in the marriage is broken and change needs to happen. But change takes time. If you let God accompany you on this journey, He will lead you through this labyrinth of confusion one step at a time. He can teach you what He wants you to know, and, if you don’t set time limits, you can give God time to reach into your spouse’s heart and bring about needed changes there too. If you don’t want a divorce and can put your hope in God instead of being in a hurry for resolution, there’s a good chance you can reconnect with your spouse in God’s perfect timing and eventually come together again with a healthy marriage.
Finding the Hope
If your emotions are tearing you apart and you feel like your world is collapsing around you, my first book, Broken Heart on Hold, will give you the emotional and spiritual strength to make it through this troubling time so you can be whole again and make good decisions. Broken Heart on Hold is a friend to walk beside you on this journey and has already helped countless others. I know it can help you too.
If you don’t want a divorce and want guidance on how to make the right decisions so you and your spouse can begin to connect again in a positive way, my second award-winning book, Fighting for Your Marriage while Separated, can take you step by step toward healing.
When separation occurs or one spouse moves toward divorce, many people think it’s hopeless. But it’s not. Just like what happened with my husband and I after being separated for three years, feelings can change. If one of you doesn’t want a divorce and is committed to doing what you can to turn things around, there is a strong possibility you can pivot your relationship in a new direction so a resurrected marriage can take place.
What have you tried to do to help your own marriage? I’d love to hear your comments.
If you don’t want a divorce and are willing to fight for your marriage, let me walk with you through the pages of my book, Fighting for Your Marriage while Separated. There you will find practical help that can guide you toward reconciliation even if you’re fighting for your marriage alone.
It’s a long story as most are, but my wife was frustrated with me and ended up going to the courthouse to file in June. It all started in late 2017 after getting married on Sept 30, 2017. Our first month was good and then tension came about because she was trying to blend my two teenagers with her two teenagers in a rapid fashion I felt and so arguments began. We had ups and downs over the next 7 to 8 months leading up to her moving out on Father’s Day in 2018. I tried to get her to move back in right away but she wouldn’t. We continued our marriage though under separate roofs and went to counseling, but we still had disagreements and so continued ups and downs, celebrated our first anniversary, and just kept going but under separate roofs. At one point she was ready to move back in, but when I actually told myself we need to try this again, she said no and that it’s my turn to move into her house even though smaller and less rooms for kids. So on we went living separately and having issues off and on, “breaking up” and then getting back together and every time she was frustrated about our living condition I would say I’ve asked you to move back in and she would say no you need to move in with me. It was a stalemate for 5 to 6 months leading up to her going to courthouse one day. I sought help from the church and friends, prayed and read my bible, gave her space and no contact for 7 days, and with help from a friend we got back together and started trying to mend things. In the panic of losing her and her filing, I made promises like buying a specific house she liked and also moving into her smaller house even though she refused to move back into mine. I didn’t end up putting offer on house she liked which set her off, but after reconciling that, we continued looking at open houses and meanwhile I had already put my own house on the market (we still owned both of our homes but only mine would get us into a new one). Forgot to say, she doesn’t like my house because my ex had lived in it. As the weeks and 90 day count down happened, we went to church, prayed together, but then she would get mad i didn’t move in right away into her home. I had said well my son will be leaving off to college mid August so let’s wait until after that, but then the time came and I then I got cold feet because I thought my daughter would refuse to stay with me if I moved. I let doubts and fears creep in and yet we kept on seeing each other and spending time together. We actually got to a point where i helped her move rooms around and had talked to my daughter about moving and she was fine, but then my wife sarah and I would get into another big argument and when that happens she puts up a wall and says it’s over. Then we’d make up, but then next day I let her know that I have my daughter a couple extra days this week because her mom is out of town this weekend. My wife was super pissed at me saying i disrespect her and make her feel as not an equal to me when I just accept my ex saying that instead of saying “I’ll get back to you”. She feels my ex controls me. I was sure to say right away that having my daughter a couple extra nights would not prevent US time, but it didn’t matter to her. I even said my daughter could stay with her grandparents, but it didn’t matter. And then I got frustrated because I couldn’t understand why we needed to fight over it. I eventually walked out because of how she was talking down to me and just wouldn’t let up on fighting. then in response she sees that as me giving up and abandoning her. I was sure to text her that I was around the corner in my truck cooling off, but she said no you didn’t say you were going to do that. You just left. So she got all worked up even worse and said how i’m lucky courthouse is not open as she would march right down there now. that infuriated me and shamed to say i didn’t hold my tongue and then hung up. I was so mad I refrained from coming back to her until friday (that was tuesday night). I did so because we just get into this silly cycle of her blocking my phone and only conversing via email during which she says we’re over and done and don’t come over. That has happened countless times over a year or more, and so I just had a lapse in my thinking and was hurt by her comment. And so when I showed up this last Friday after work, she gave me bad news that she in fact just today (Friday) went to courthouse. I cried and cried and sat there with her for hours, talking, her being mean, me staying calm and just responding and talking, me apologizing even though it takes two, and me hugging her a long time and kissing her on her head. It is the worst time in my life. I’ve expressed how I still love her, that i made a promise to her, and don’t want to give up on her. I reminded her how our christian counselor said we can always remarry privately. I’ve even said how i hope she still comes to counseling and marriage class with me to which she has declined. I’ve been praying a lot, but couldn’t help emailing my wife (now ex) sarah this morning as I want desparately to reverse things and told her that I promised to love her during good and bad, in sickness and health, for richer or poorer until death do us part and that i want to remarry her. Her response is “of course this is painful for me too and I hate more than anything knowing how much pain you’re in” but that “at what point do you feel that a person has the right to say enough is enough?!” She says “I’m not giving into you anymore” and other stuff. I will still be going to same christian counselor to help, but it seems like I’m out of options. I’m afraid to reach out to church and mutual friends as I’ve already done that four months ago and look at my failure. I know she loves me but she is just sick and tired of how we’ve lived the last two years and not under one roof. What can I do? I love her more than anything and want to grow old with her.
Blended family marriages can be very difficult. Your account is such a good example of just how hard it can be to merge two different families together under the same roof in a new marriage. Your love for your children and your love for a new spouse can cause a lot of friction. A blended family marriage has unique needs. I recommend Ron Deal’s book, The Smart Stepfamily: Seven Steps to a Healthy Family, if you are able to get back together and work on your marriage. In the meantime, my book, Fighting for Your Marriage while Separated, may help you step back and focus on the only One who can give you true peace and direction as you consider your next step in rebuilding your family.