Even when couples have a good, loving marriage, certain attacks can come from the outside that put an unusually heavy strain on the relationship. One of these attacks comes in the form of health issues, requiring one spouse to become the caregiver of the other. In this case, both partners must learn to navigate their marriage relationship while also taking on new and different roles with one another. One must learn to deal with their new disability. The other must develop a new skill set and the strength to take on their new responsibility.

Cheri Swalwell has written a Bible study called Caring for the Caregiver to help sustain the caregiver when taking on such an unexpected role in their marriage. 

Linda:  You wrote a book titled Caring for the Caregiver. Could you explain how that offers hope to couples in difficult marriages?

Cheri: Difficulties in marriage come about through internal or external circumstances. Our difficulties occurred through a series of external circumstances.

In 1999, I married my best friend. We got married in our late twenties and decided we’d start a family sooner rather than later. By 2006, I was fulfilling my dream to be a “stay at home” working mom with a six-year-old and a three-year-old. Life was good.

In September 2006 I decided to join a women’s Bible study. I remember driving home one evening, thinking about the group conversation that night. One question kept repeating in my mind: Did I trust God? I knew He was in my heart and I loved Him, but did I really trust Him?

Sadly, my answer was no. I didn’t trust God – not with my husband, my kids, or what mattered most. Right then, I prayed and told God I wanted to trust Him, asked Him to help me learn how to trust Him, but to please be gentle during the process. I waited a few minutes and was met with silence.

While I didn’t forget about the conversation, I didn’t pursue it any further. I’d asked, so I figured the next move was His. It didn’t take me long to realize God is faithful to answer when we ask with the right attitude.

Linda: That’s quite the statement to make to God. I love how even though you didn’t think you trusted God, you still knew He would answer your heartfelt prayer.

Cheri: Exactly. I didn’t know how, but I knew enough about God to know He would answer in His time. About halfway through the Bible study, I found out we were pregnant with our third child. While my husband and I had planned for two children, God planned a “plus one more.” I was over the top ecstatic. Thankfully, my husband felt the same way and I relished every minute of being pregnant one more time.

Except for an announcement to family only at Thanksgiving, the pregnancy was kept a secret during the first trimester. In mid-December, we felt it was safe enough to start telling. Three days later, one day shy of the official 12-week mark, I woke up bleeding. Less than six hours later, we lost our baby. Due to complications, three days later I was in the ER facing a necessary D&C to allow the physical healing to start. However, the emotional healing would take much longer.

I’d been looking forward to celebrating Christmas with a little one safely nestled inside. However, I faced the Christmas Eve service alone. My husband was confined to bed with the flu and our baby was in Heaven. I felt so alone and completely forgotten.

Linda: I’m so sorry for your loss. Death of a child is hard on a marriage. Yet, I understand your marriage was still to be dealt one more blow. Please tell us about it.

Cheri: Around this time, our church had called a corporate fast to begin in February. God invited me to fast, but not for our church. He asked me if I would fast for my family. He wanted me to fast for the four of us to grow closer together and for my husband and me to grow stronger in our marriage. I accepted the challenge and the fast began the week before Valentine’s Day. I didn’t tell anyone, not even my husband.

The Friday after Valentine’s Day began as a normal day. That evening we put our kids to bed and settled in for the night. During a commercial, my husband went to check on the kids. He got halfway up the stairs and turned around, his pulse racing, his face ashen and physically shaking.

“Cheri, I don’t feel well” was an understatement. He looked awful, so I immediately called the doctor. His symptoms were passed off as “the flu” and I was instructed to watch him during the night, “but he should be better by morning”. Easier said than done. The doctor wasn’t seeing what I was seeing. I couldn’t sleep, begging God to fix whatever was wrong. I had just lost our baby in December; I wasn’t ready to lose my husband, too.

We spent the next six weeks back and forth to the emergency room, hoping they could give us answers. After an approximate 35 pound weight loss in six weeks, my husband was finally admitted to the hospital. We needed to know what we were fighting.

Months later, we received one of many diagnoses and have spent the last ten years pursuing healing and adjusting to life within our new normal. We also learned some valuable lessons from God.

Linda: What is one truth you learned through this experience with your husband that you would like to share with others?  

Cheri: When one person in a family unit is suffering, it affects the entire household. Many times, chronic illness can pull a couple apart. I believe God invited me to fast for our family before the illness hit because He wanted to prepare us for the upcoming journey. I’m so grateful I accepted that invitation and believe it has helped us grow stronger as a family, but more importantly, as a couple.

Approximately six to eight years after our journey began, we were in the office with another new doctor, this time tackling food sensitivities, another symptom of my husband’s autoimmune disease.

At one point the doctor and I were in the room alone. I don’t remember how the conversation started, but I distinctly remember the doctor stating how amazed she was with the support I was showing.

“Why wouldn’t I support my husband? We’re in this together. He doesn’t want to be sick any more than I wish it for him. In fact, if I could, I would take it away from him and suffer instead, if just to give him a break.”

Her reply stuck with me. “You’d be surprised how many spouses don’t support their loved ones. They blame the one who’s sick for the illness or for not doing enough to get better. Your husband is blessed to have your support because sadly, not many married couples are that supportive of each other.”

If I have one word of encouragement to offer others facing similar circumstances, it’s to fight the illness together as a team instead of fighting each other and not the illness.

God was able to use all the above circumstances to help me learn how to trust Him – not just with my husband and kids, but with every area of my life.

Linda: What led you to write a Bible study book about your experience?

 Cheri: As believers, I feel strongly that when we are allowed to experience trials and challenges in life, we are to use the empathy born from those painful experiences to walk alongside others on similar journeys. Pointing others to the One who has the answers produces a ripple effect of blessings in our lives. As God introduced me to couples walking through similar heartaches, our experiences allowed me to offer them encouragement.

Almost ten years later, in January 2017, during one of my now-regular fasting periods, God asked me to take the lessons He taught our family throughout the past decade and share that encouragement on a larger scale in the form of a Bible study for caregivers. I knew this invitation was from God because He downloaded the entire outline of the book to me in about 20 minutes.

In December 2017, Caring for the Caregiver was published. In June I finished co-leading my first Bible study using this material.

Linda, one member from the group sums up her and her husband’s experience in the group so eloquently, “Looking at caregiving as a partnership had not occurred to us and when you look at it that way, things change. God has given us a new tenderness toward looking at fighting the disease/condition together and not being frustrated with the person being cared for.”

 Linda: Is this a book that can only be used as a Bible study and is it specific just for caregiving for one’s spouse?

Cheri: I’m glad you asked, Linda. This book is about more than just caregiving for one’s spouse. It offers encouragement to foster parents, hospice workers, nurses – anyone in a caregiving role of any kind. There are two sets of questions following each chapter to accommodate all caregiving situations. And because all caregivers know time is precious, the chapters are short and easy to read.

 Linda: Where can people learn more about you and your books?

Cheri: Come visit me at Spoken from the Heart to see my full list of books. I’d love to connect with you on Facebook, Twitter, LinkedIn or through email.