How do we express love to our spouse? And how can we be sure our husband or wife really feels our love? Without feeling loved, misunderstandings in a marriage can sometimes become magnified. Even though we tell our spouse we love them and do what we can to show it, he or she still may not feel loved. Saying I love you isn’t always enough.
The Five Love Languages
In Gary Chapman’s revolutionary book, The Five Love Languages, Chapman lays out his now-popular theory that love is expressed and experienced in five different ways. He calls these love languages. Each person, he believes, responds more favorably to one or two of them, making it important for husbands and wives to express love through the preferred love language of their spouse. He describes the love languages as quality time, words of affirmation, acts of service, gifts, and physical touch.
At one of Chapman’s seminars at a marriage conference I attended, Chapman told the story of a couple who came to him for counseling. The woman complained of not feeling loved, but her husband expressed incredulity. He didn’t understand how she felt this way because of all the many things he did to try to please her and show his love. His wife responded that what he said was true, but he never spent time with her. As Gary Chapman delved deeper with this couple, he discovered the problem was that they spoke different love languages. The husband was showing love through “acts of service.” But the wife wanted to receive love through “quality time.”
In any good marriage we need to feel loved by our partner. When we don’t, there’s a void. Not surprisingly, when a spouse’s emotional need for love is not being met, that person can easily interpret the void as rejection. Feeling rejected leaves a person vulnerable to various escapes and some of those can be destructive to the marriage. Chapman explained that since few husbands and wives share the same love language, misunderstandings often occur when one marriage partner needlessly goes around feeling unloved.
Understanding the Five Love Languages
So how do we show love to our partner in a way that will be meaningful to them? How do we apply these love languages to our relationships?
Quality time – When a person’s love language is quality time, they feel loved when their spouse wants to spend time with them. If a husband or wife is too busy at work or devoting time to the children, the spouse may feel neglected. Quality time does not just mean sitting in front of the TV together, it means actually spending time interacting. It can be sitting and talking, going to dinner or a movie, riding bikes together or taking a walk – anything in which you can actively enjoy each other’s company.
Words of affirmation – If words of affirmation is your spouse’s love language, he or she will feel loved when you pay a compliment, offer encouraging words, say “I love you,” or speak with kindness and affection. Proverbs 16:24 says, “Pleasant words are a honeycomb, sweet to the soul and healing to the bones.” Positive words always carry power in a relationship, but for those whose love language is words of affirmation, encouraging words are even more important. In my book, Fighting for Your Marriage while Separated, I spend an entire chapter on this subject. Positive and affirming words can make an enormous difference in whether or not your spouse feels loved.
Acts of service – Those who have this love language may have just the opposite reaction to what is described above. If you tell your mate you love her and pay her compliments, but she doesn’t see your words backed up by actions, she may see the words as meaningless. She (or he) feels that if you really loved her (or him), you would do things to show it. When you don’t, your words or other gestures seem empty and your spouse may feel distant from you. As a result, feelings can grow cold. Taking your spouse a cup of coffee in the morning, doing the dishes for her, making him a nice meal speaks of love to someone whose love language is acts of service.
Gifts – If one spouse looks forward to receiving nice gifts on special occasions, but gift giving is not a part of his spouse’s repertoire, a spouse may feel ignored and unloved if gift giving is his love language. Receiving a thoughtful gift from his spouse makes him feel special. He feels loved when you’ve taken the time to think about getting a present and then go out and get it. A spontaneous gift for no reason is a special treat as well as remembrances on special days.
Physical touch – Some people crave physical touch like hugs, hand holding, or a sweet kiss. If you are not a touchy feely person, times together with your spouse may lack physical touching. But if physical touch is your spouse’s love language, your husband or wife may have experienced feelings of rejection if times together lack this physical dimension. Sex may be one “dialect” of this love language, but more often it refers to non-sexual touch like an arm around her shoulder, a back rub, or merely holding hands.
Without understanding your spouse’s love language, you may have inadvertently neglected to show love in a manner your partner understands and appreciates. Consequently, reaffirming your love in a way that shows it rather than says it, speaks volumes. Fighting for your marriage by using your spouse’s love language whenever you have a chance can promote healing and, if you are separated or going through a troubled time in your marriage, speaking the right love language can possibly reignite the love that has been lost.
To understand more about the love languages, read The Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman.
Read more about how to reconcile a broken marriage in my book, Fighting for Your Marriage while Separated., A Practical Guide for the Brokenhearted.
Speak Your Mind