When Janet* first emailed me, her husband had left a month earlier. She was desperate, overwhelmed and experiencing panic attacks.
Married for 25 years with a nine year old daughter, Janet was in shock as she tried to understand who this man was. The man she’d known as her husband now seemed a stranger, someone she’d never known.
In the emails I received over the next couple of months, things went back and forth between her and her husband. He assured her he was not going to file for divorce, but he did. Court dates were set, and a tremendous battle began in the natural and in the spiritual.
Janet’s emotions drug her from anger to feelings of rejection and then to fear of what the future would hold. But daily she hung onto Jesus and wouldn’t let go.
After a few months had gone by with several devastating appearances in court, Janet had a strong sense that God was telling her to pray and fast to break down strongholds.
Hanging On
Janet did as God instructed, and a few weeks later, after much prayer, she seriously believed the Lord wanted her to still hang on although “in the natural” it seemed “ridiculous” to her. How could this be right when her husband was still pursuing a divorce? More court dates were set, they had serious financial and health problems, and other Christians were telling her to give up—that he would never come back.
She started rereading sections of Broken Heart on Hold and praying some of the prayers from the book. She put great emphasis on praying the Blood of Jesus over her husband daily as well as other spiritual warfare prayers. And every day she wrestled with her fleshly inclinations in order to forgive her husband. Although the idea of forgiving her husband was distasteful to her, her love for the Lord gave her the strength and prompted her to persevere in doing what God was asking her to do.
But instead of getting easier, things got even harder and uglier as her husband fought her for the house, finances, and custody of their child who didn’t want to go with him.
Small Signs of Change
At intermittent times, however, her husband would show up to help her with some of her recurring health problems. She noticed moments when her husband showed changes in his behavior and attitude towards her, but they were short-lived and inconsistent.
Eight months after her husband left, she emailed me again for prayer. “Please pray for us, especially for me for wisdom, and that my heart does not keep getting rebroken over and over, I want God’s will, no matter how hard it is even if our marriage does not work out.”
A week before mediation, her husband asked her to go to some Christian counselors, but the meeting did not turn out well. Finally, the day before the mediation, he called Janet to tell her he wanted to reconcile.
He wanted to cancel the mediation and divorce.
Now she faced a new decision. Would she try to trust her husband again? She called their Pastor for counseling, and with her husband on the other line, she agreed to stop the mediation.
Her husband took the initiative to reverse the process by asking his attorney to cancel the mediation, telling him he wanted to reconcile. He withdrew the divorce shortly after. Two weeks later they attended a Retrouvaille weekend, and that weekend changed their lives.
Three months later, she emailed me and thanked me for my prayers, my book, and for recommending Retrouvaille, “LIFE FOR US IS A NEW BEGINNING, I CANNOT TELL YOU HOW EXCITING EVERYDAY IS, I FEEL REBORN AGAIN.”
It’s been a year and a half since I received that first email from Janet, and nine months since they reconciled. They are now involved with a ministry for reconciled marriages, continue to work on their own marriage on a regular basis, and will celebrate their 26th anniversary soon.
When I asked if I could share their story, Janet told me to include this at the end: “I thank God for Linda Rooks’ book: Broken Heart on Hold, it brought me through one of the most difficult times of my life. I want to encourage all of you that are standing for your marriage that Faith is a Fight, do not give up, and especially fight the thoughts in your mind, hold onto the Hem of Jesus’ Garment, and receive His healing for yourself first, and then your marriage.”
This is a true story. Through her many emails, I walked along beside her on this journey, hearing the doubts, the anxieties, the questions, the faith, and the promptings of God that finally led her to victory. *The name Janet is not her real name, but has been changed to protect the privacy of the individuals in the story.
This gave me renewed hope to stand for my marriage, as I deal with so many things playing out in my life right now. It has been 1 1/2 years since my husband moved out, and 5 months since he filed for divorce. Yet I sense that love is still there…but so much has to get put out in the open to heal. I can still hope though the divorce process moves forward and my lawyer gathers information for the pretrial March 5. I go back to your book often, Linda, as it especially gave me strength in the first year, yet seems to always apply whenever I pick it up to re-read again and again. This post gives me hope for my marriage of 32 years, that I should never give up. We did Retrouville in 2002, but it never got to the root of everything. I am learning patience and perseverance through all I have endured, though it is so painful. I draw support from God!
THANK YOU FOR SHARING THIS WONDERFUL STORY. IT GIVES ME MUCH HOPE FOR TH RESTORATION OF MY MARRIAGE AND I KNOW WITH GOD’S HANDS EVERYTHING IS POSSIBLE. I KNOW IN GOD’S PERFECT TIMING MY MARRIAGE WILL BE BETTER THAN IT EVER WAS!!! PTL!!!
STANDING WITH YOU FOR YOUR RESTORATION. WHAT GOD DID FOR ME HE CAN DO FOR YOU-“NOTHING IS IMPOSSIBLE WITH GOD.” PRAY PRAY PRAY, STAND STILL AND SEE THE SALVATION OF THE LORD.
JANET
I’ve been praying for my marriage that my wife separated over 3 1/2 years ago originally saying she wouldn’t file for legal separation. She did after waiting the required amount of time of 1 year in Ohio. Then progressively cutoff all contact between us until she filed for a final divorce last year. We’ve already gone thru the court trials and waiting for the judge’s decision on the details of the final.
I’ve been standing for reconciliation, praying, and fasting as much as possible as well as those who are standing with me. God showed and confirmed to me that what we’re dealing with is her hardening her heart. Until she and God resolve this between them, all I can do is pray. I’ve been reading your book as well as others for encouragement in addition to prating and reading His Word. It’s been over a month since the final day of court and nothing from the court yet so there’s still a chance something may happen. She’s out of state for a couple months so it’s definitely got to be a miracle for the case to be canceled and anything done to restore our marriage. With God ALL things are possible but it’s her hard heart that has to be broken.
Let Christ handle your problems and continue to keep Him foremost in your thoughts. Rest in Christ and let Him do all the work. We all know that He is the only one that can ‘soften’ your wife. Just keep doing what you’re doing – focus on Him and not the problem!
Wayne, Kim is right. She knows what she’s talking about. I’d also like to send you a past newsletter that has helped some men in the past. If you send me an email, I’ll send it to you. God bless you, Wayne.
I also cannot heal my husband. He has to realize that I have been there for him through 32 years of marriage and 5 years before, and felt we could do anything together. Now his past haunts him and he abandons our marriage. How could he hurt me even more than ever before, yet still show he cares in small ways? I continue to prepare myself with divorce, but it is devastating!
I answered your first e-mail also today, then I saw this one. I have been in your shoes, most important every night when you go to bed, even if you do not feel like it, say: “I chose to forgive _____(put your husbands name there, and anyone else that comes to mind for that day, even yourself if needed). Forgiveness is a key no matter what happens in the future. Also try to keep your mind occupied with other things. One thing I did daily was journal, it helped me a lot to let go of the things that happened for the day no matter how bad. Hope this helps. JANET
I was like many others here, hoping and praying and keeping my focus on God. When my husband continued to insist on a divorce, I started praying that God would change his heart and if his heart wasn’t going to change, then, please God, change my heart. And He did just that. I finally released my husband and marriage of 37 years to God and have moved on with my life. God had plans I could never imagine and has brought a wonderful, Godly man into my life and we are very happy pursuing a wonderful Christian relationship with God at the center of it. I never would have thought that God was answering my prayers in this way, but I believe that is exactly what He did. He already had a plan in place that was far greater than I could ever have had, if I would have received what I thought I wanted in keeping my marriage together. I praise God every day for the new man in my life and for getting me through the most difficult time.
Dear Newhopeforthefuture,
I wanted to thank you for taking the time to write this message. Our Father brings people in and out of our lives for a reason.
I hope that you are able to continue to assist others in their struggle with your positive words and happy outcome! It is one of the most rewarding things you will ever do. Go God!!!
I have been separated for nearly 4 years. I wanted my husband to leave. I went to a lawyer to make things “legal”. I wanted out. But the Lord started to deal with me. Oh my gosh did He ever deal with me! It seemed that my life was falling apart. I thought I was so “spiritual” only to realize I really did not trust God much at all. Now my husband is the one who doesn’t want to reconcile. He has gone to an attorney but at this point, as far as I know, has not started legal proceedings. Although every time I go to the mailbox I wonder if I”ll find something proving other wise. I want to throw out some thing radical. If God truly is sovereign and if everything (the whole earth & everything in it) belongs to Him, then why do we need attorneys? Why not throw the whole weight of it all on Him, fall on the mercy of God? He can shut the mouths of lions. He tells us in His word that He is our defender. Just sayin’…….
Your question on why do we need attorneys is interesting. Unfortunately as we read in the Word, Satan is the prince of this world, yes God is sovereign, but he is not ruling this earth we live in. But Jesus gave us the keys of the kingdom, we must find the right key and then use it. What we bind or loose on earth is bound and loosed in heaven. We are in a battle, “faith is a fight”, trusting God most important and also learning to use our authority in the name of Jesus against the powers, etc. Eph.6:12 is most important. This is part of what I did, the devil loves divorce, we must stand against it through the blood of Jesus and fight the good fight of faith. Daily praying for God’s mercy and forgiving daily is most important. We have all been called into the army of God, and one never really knows what the next fight will be, but at the end we still win. JANET
May Kate oh my goodness you have described my situation exactly! Although it has been only 4 months…. I want to reconcile he does not. I am finally trusting God to handle it after the panic and the fight to manipulate the situation to my benefit has (of course) not produced positive results. I’ve been saved for 32 years and have just realized that I’ve never died to self. Now it’s my daily effort to do this that is allowing God to carry me and my 2 boys through this storm. He has turned me inside out and for this alone I can be thankful for this trial.
Linda, that last post on BHOH was a Word from God. My husband is here and very anxious to leave and my hope was getting squashed and that post came through right when I picked up my phone to get my mind off my husband that can’t stand to be in the same room as me. Thank you for posting! Every little reminder helps my broken heart!! God bless you, Christa
Dear Chris,
A very wise man (Linda’s husband, ha) once told us to always remember that feelings change. Yours, mine and everyone’s included. I was once where your husband was as you wrote Feb 2nd. I could not stand to be in the same room with him! I honestly felt as though there was a plastic bag around my head and I couldn’t breathe. He kept begging me to stay and I just could not make myself do it. It was almost as though it was a physical thing (I now know it was Satan). I can honestly say the more he tried to ‘manipulate the situation’ the further away I ran.
After being separated for 20 months, I started attending church. I moved back into my house the following month and once again ‘my feelings changed’ towards my husband. I not only wanted to reconcile but I had never loved him more. It was a deeper, different love.
I know that my situation is not exactly the same but I want you to know that trusting God is the best way for you to find the peace that Christ has given us . Meditate on John 14:27. Keep reading Broken Heart on Hold. Sign up for daily email devotions from your favorite pastors. Pick up your bible and continue to saturate your mind with God’s word and He will heal your broken heart. Try as hard as possible not to obsess on your husband and your marriage. I know, easier said than done. Continue to focus on God, your relationship with Him, yourself and your boys. You are a role model to them during this scary time.
Also, Janet mentioned keeping a journal. I highly recommend it as well if you aren’t doing it already. There is something extremely powerful about actually writing down your thoughts. It helps me now when I am anxious over any situation. Quiet time is precious.
We are praying for you and your family!
Kim
Hi Linda,
I would appreciate it if you can email me the same newsletter that you’re sending to Wayne…I’m in a similar situation….thanks
I would be happy to do that, Mike. Just send me an email so I have your email address.
Hi everyone,
Just wanted to offer hope to those struggling separation or divorce in your marriage.
My husband and i were separated for 1 1/2 before reconciling. It was a long painful year.. But the most rewarding year also.. I learned so much about Gods love and provision for me .. I look back now and see .. Yes we needed a change in our marriage .. But i believe it was more about my relationship with HIM.
But regardless how much i had let God change me.. My husband wanted out.. He wanted a divorce. No matter what i said or how much i ttried .. He wanted out.. No couciling .. No communication.. So all i could do is let him see the changes God made in me and pray.. Deep prayer.. Spiritual battle prayers … That the stronghold would be broken around me him and our marriage.it was the hardest time.. Such pain.. But yet God was there listening amd catching every tear.
The hard hit came when he came home .. Unexpectedly .. One weekend and told me the paper work was done .. And asked what i wanted? House ? Car? .. I told him i wanted our marriage.. But again he wouldn t listen… And he left…
I sat in pain and shock.. 22 years of marriage… Gone ..i cried and prayed all night untill God gave peace so i could sleep..at 3 am i awoke again .. With pain in my heart i asked God .. What was this year and half for.. ? Am i just hopeful wishig … Have i been a fool standing for us? With His hand touching me i felt him say.. Go back to sleep my daughter.. I got this… You will be ok .. Either way.. Go back to sleep.. So i drifted back off..then at 6 am my phone rang.. It was my husband .. Calling to ask if he could come home.. God had answered. When i ask why( after i shook my shock off) he said he knew he need to come back .. That he just didnt know how to get out of the mess he made… And prayed and asked got to ” make a way to eacape”and God heard him and helped him find his way back …He told him to just go home to his family.
Friends .. What a difference a day makes.. You dont know what God is doing behind the scene .. I had little or no communication with my husband… Prayer changed me and my marriage. It took a crisis like my marriage to give me a deeper understanding of Gods love for me … And the blessing was a restored marriage. Either way .. It was gonna be ok.. God had me.. And He ha you and your spouse on His heart..praying for all and marriages restored everywhere..
God bless!
For I know the thoughts that I think toward you, saith the Lord, thoughts of peace, and not of evil, to give you an expected end. (Jeremiah 29:11 )
Thank you SO much, Cheryl, for sharing your story!! What an encouragement! I know so many people are right where you were. If we can just seek God on a deeper level and truly surrender everything to Him, He can do amazing things. But we have to TRUST Him that even if it doesn’t turn out like we want . . . like it did for you, we will be alright and His plan for us will unfold in beautiful ways.
Yes linda.. God taught me alot about TRUST during that time!
Yes exactly where you were Cheryl. Exactly. Thank you for your encouraging words. Can’t believe sometimes how completely unoriginal Satan is with so many similar stories out there. Praying a fresh bloodline (from your book, Linda) several times a day over my husband along with other prayers. Trusting God to just have this is a daily struggle but I have a good girl friend that keeps me pointed towards the Lord. Right now I am focusing on my relationship with Him and am allowing Him to change me any way He wants. Right now craving like never before being in the Word. Soaking it up with a hunger I’ve never had. Amazing what something like this can birth. Right now my favorite verse is
And now, just as you accepted Christ Jesus as your Lord, you must continue to follow him. Let your roots grow down into him, and let your lives be built on him. Then your faith will grow strong in the truth you were taught, and you will overflow with thankfulness. Colossians 2:6-7
Such an awesome word picture.
Christa
Christa, it brings tears to my eyes to see the wonderful way God connects His people in such a way to bring them hope. But more than that, I love to see how God uses these awful circumstances to bring us closer to Him and grow our “roots strong” so we can “build our lives on him” and discover the beauty He has for us. I know Satan is cringing to see God’s people celebrating with thankfulness when his goal was to bring God’s people down. Because Satan knows that when God’s people celebrate the victory even before they see it, Satan LOSES.
Christa
Now unto him that is able to do exceeding abundantly above all that we ask or think, according to the power that worketh in us, (Ephesians 3:20
He really can! Lifting you in prayer
And, I too, have a broken heart. My husband left more than eight months ago. We had both been quite miserable for several years, though I believe the love is still there. I know it is for me. Because of my love for my husband I never gave up hope in resolving our problems. Unfortunately, I wasn’t equipped to recognize all of our problems, nor was I equipped in knowing what we needed to do. A couple of years ago, I suggested counseling. My husband refused and things went from bad to worse. Finally, last May I could no longer stand the pressure and I wrote him a letter asking him to make a choice: go to counseling and work on our marriage as I was confident our problems could be resolved, or to leave. He chose to leave. Worse, he blamed me for all of it. I apparently, ruined his life, controlled him, caused his depression, ordered him around. He also told me he doesn’t like my personality. Here is this man I love, unconditionally, saying hurtful things to me. After three weeks, he came back and said he wanted a divorce. He said “give up hope Shaun, I am not coming back, move on with your life.”
Well, those words still hurt me deeply as I hear them inside my broken heart. But, I have placed all of my hope, my faith, and my trust in God. I pray fervently everyday, throughout the day, for my husband. I pray that God will open the eyes of his heart and break through the strongholds that have built up and hardened him over the years. Next to the Lord drawing me into a much closer relationship with Him, Broken Heart on Hold has been a lifeline for me. The book is becoming so worn because of the hope I derive from it.
The stories above further fuel my hope and the power of our Heavenly Father. Despite the hurtful words from my husband, and the rejection and abandonment I feel, I cannot give up hope in the miraculous healing of my husband’s heart and mine, and the eventual healing of our marriage. My husband is a broken man (he has admitted this), and I believe God will heal him. I just wish it was going to be sooner than later.
These stories help to lift me up on days when I feel discouraged, and I thank each one of you for your openness and encouragement.
Praying for you Shaun…
Thank you Chris. That helps me.
It is drawing closer to March 5, the pretrial date, but I still hope for a change of heart from him. I am giving him a book that I hope will help him heal from his past before me that led to many behaviors that caused the problems in our marriage. I continue to pray, work on myself, and draw strength from Linda’s book. When I can afford it, I will get more books for myself. Thank you for hope!
I have been told of thsi wonderful website and I have just boiught Lindas book.
6 weeks ago my beloved partner of three years ended our relationship – by email on New Years Eve.He had been withdrawing and becoming emotionally detached for the past 12-15 months – and now he has ended things and vanished. He is engaged in an affair with another woman. He has said that there is no hope for reconciliation and wants new beginnings and rejuvenation – therefore doors must close.
I have been in the most unbelievable pain but have just recently handed this over to God. Even though it is hard at times I do trust that He will show me the best path for my life. I have a daughter (12) who is sorely affected by the separation – he has cut all contact with us. My daughter and I have moved out of his house and now have our own apartment. Because we have no contact at the moment I am leaning on God now to work behind the scenes for us.
Any advice would be welcome and thank you fro such a wonderful book and website.
God bless
N
Dear Nicole,
Welcome! You have come to the right place. The healing all starts with the Father, Son and Spirit. Like I tell everyone, immerse yourself in His word and you will soon tap into the peace that has already been given to us.
I know that the shock of all of the change is extremely difficult. It’s hard enough to deal with something like this by yourself, but you also must be strong for your daughter. Our faithful Father will get you both through this. Get plugged in with a local church if you aren’t already. Read your bible as much as possible. It’s the greatest weapon we have against the enemy. Satan is attacking you and will not be able to win the battle if you arm yourself with God’s strength.
Start each day with some quiet time with God. Keep a journal if you can. Read Broken Heart on Hold and listen to “God” music as my son calls it. It truly is the best therapy!!
My husband and I were separated for almost two years. I recall watching episodes of church services from my favorite pastor on TV for hours and hours. Once I started focusing on God, the pain of the situation just went away. Not immediately, but it did happen within a few days. I stopped obsessing and praying about the issue, and concentrated on God’s word and my relationship with Him. Every time you think of your ex, try as hard as you can to stop and turn your attention to our Savior. Get on your knees and pour your heart out to Him. Try this for a few days and sit back and watch what happens. Let the enemy know that you will not be defeated!
We are here for you and you will not go through this alone. We were put on this earth to help each other. Someday you will be ministering to someone in need.
Keep leaning on God!
Kim
My heart breaks for you Nicole. It’s pain that cannot be described and cannot be instantly healed. As Linda says in her book, we have to “sit” in it before we will ever begin to heal. It’s not an easy process, as I have discovered and it is full of so many ups, downs, whirlwinds, etc. It is ONLY by leaning into the pain and into Christ that we will, any of us, get through to the other side. I’m praying for you and all of us “broken-hearted” women.
How precious you all are to encourage each other in this way! See how true it is that God ministers to us so that we can then minister to others.
Therefore encourage one another and build each other up, just as in fact you are doing. 1 Thessalonians 5:11
May the god of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit. Romans 15:13
Just wondering how the March 5 court date went for HopeForLove.
Shaun, my husband continued to follow through with the divorce, and it was finalized the end of March. I had decided to give him up to God, and accept that the divorce was his way of attempting to separate himself financially and emotionally from me. I don’t really know, as I also chose to avoid seeing him for any reason, and mostly just texting for anything that had to be worked through in the divorce decree.
I thought that he would want to see me, but I think I blew the one chance to find out when I missed seeing him the day he moved my daughter into her apartment at school. I came later and missed him by minutes, seeing him as he turned the corner in the truck. I can still see the look on his face, and like he was sorry and ashamed…I don’t really know, but there isn’t anger from me. I read up on what haunts him, and maybe only time can make him realize I still love him.
There is so much more to all of this…and I continue to cry morning and night about it. Why?
Dear HopeforLove, Your heart is obviously still very broken and you are hurting deeply. Your sense of loss is obviously very great. God wants to fill up that emptiness with His love and His purposes . . . yes, He has purposes for you even now, even in the midst of this pain, and He can show them to you if you can completely put your husband, your life, your family and everything into His hands. Your husband obviously needs a lot of healing from God, but it will take time for God to do all that He needs to do. So, bottom line, you need to give God the time He needs to heal your husband and meantime allow God to heal you of the pain so you can find God’s purposes during this time for yourself.
I suggest that during these times of crying, you lift your hands to God with open palms, surrender your husband to Him and ask God to heal your husband. It wouldn’t hurt to also bind Satan from your husband at the same time so your husband has an open heart and mind to receive what God has for him.
May God pour blessings upon you and give you peace.
Hope For Love, I have thought of you often during these past months, wondering how you are, even ad I have continued to endure a very similar pain. I’m so very saddened to hear your heart continues to break. Though I’ve done everything I can to try to reach into my husband’s heart, he is preparing to go forward with his plan to file divorce. It is so very hard to comprehend, understand and accept that this is even possible after so many years spent together. My husband continues to blame me for absolutely everything wrong in his life. As Linda has conveyed, there is nothing I can do to change my husband’s feelings for me. Every time he contacts me via text about something, it tears me up inside and takes me about three days to recover. Every time he removes something from our home, he takes another part of my life, my heart. It’s as if thirty years of life, memories, and sharing everything means nothing to him; as if our lives together never existed for him. I haven’t seen him since end of July when he replaced the alternator in my car, but I now feel like I never want to see him again, as I can’t handle the pain any longer. The coldness from him is too hard to bear. Sometimes I imagine moving far away so I never have to see him again.
I continue to seek God to help me with this. I pray for my husband every day asking God to open his blind eyes and to heal him. I pray spiritual battle prayers against Satan’s hold over my husband. But, it’s so hard when my every thought is consumed with the pain, and the fear, and the unknown. At times I feel refreshed when I remember that God has something better for me. Unfortunately, that crashes and I have to lift myself up again, with God’s help. This is all so very hard to comprehend. As Linda says, we need to lift our hands to our Heavenly Father and give our hearts to Him, as well as our husband’s hearts and our marriages. It’s difficult, and is an ongoing and daily struggle.
This was in a devotion last week from Ann Graham Lotz:
Marriage is God’s idea. He “crafted” it. If your marriage is broken, all the “repairmen” or counselors you take it to will be unable to fix it. Take it to the Creator Who made it in the first place. He can make it work again.
It’s these little reminders that pop up now and then from faithful pastors in their daily devotions that continue to remind me to give my marriage to the only one who can repair it.
Of course, Linda’s book continues to go with me everywhere I go, so I can continually seek reminders through get as well.
I’m continuing to think if you, pray for and with you, for healing in each of us, as well as our husband’s and our marriages. I just can’t give up and I pray you can’t either. Sending you my love as a fellow broken-hearted woman of God living through the hardest trial of our lives, and looking forward to the hidden blessings God has for us. Shaun
I feel like I am in a nightmare. My husband left me over a year ago. We were separated for 7 months before he asked to reconcile. Broken Heart on Hold kept me from losing my mind and Linda responding to the emails I sent helped me so much. I felt I was not alone. Even though my husband and I are back together, I am miserable. I am still haunted every day by the way he treated me. The betrayal and broken trust I have not healed from. I am living a lie. If you ask him, he will say we are fine. But I AM NOT. I am still angry and resentful. I feel like he got away with hurting me. We never went to counseling as he promised AND every time I mention our separation he gets angry. Imagine all the awful things he did to me and now he wants to pretend they never happened. He says me healing is solely my responsibility. I agree to a degree. I feel he needs to earn my trust again and he feels I should just trust him. It’s hard for me to forgive him because I really don’t think he is sorry for any of it. To be sorry would mean he has to admit he did it, every awful word he spoke to me, abandoning me, etc. I am at a place where I KNOW God is able and that He can change any heart but I think my husband is just not a normal guy. I have prayed. I really don’t know what else to do. I would leave if I could afford to. That is actually my prayer now, “God please give me the means to be able to leave” I want to live again and breath. I don’t want to worry and wonder if one day my husband is going to walk into our home and tell me again, “THIS IS NOT WORKING FOR ME” and commence to blaming every fault in our marriage on me. the thing that hurts the most is that I stood by him at his worse state; I forsook all others for him. When I should have given up on him I did not. I am exhausted typing all of this and can’t go any further. But this is where I am. I was so happy at one point when he wanted to reconcile. I felt God had answered my prayer. Several months after that I felt that maybe I came back too soon and should not have agreed to reconcile so fast, or maybe I should have waited until he proved himself. Now I feel like I should not have come back at all. He is here with me but I still feel alone, abandoned, rejected, unappreciated and unloved. Please pray for me. He has not idea how close I am to walking out and maybe he doesn’t really care.
Angela, I know this is so painful and the doubts can feel overwhelming. You are right that your husband needs to earn your trust again. Sometimes it is tempting to reconcile too quickly. However, your husband’s reluctance to go to counseling or talk about your separation is not unusual and doesn’t necessarily mean he will walk out again. For some men, acknowledging their past sin is very painful for them. They want to put it in the past and move forward. Of course, this is not right. They need to help you heal, but if they feel they’ve truly changed, they may just not see that. I have a couple of suggestions for you. First, I suggest you go to a counselor yourself, whether or not your husband comes with you. A good counselor can help you get healthy yourself. Secondly, keep focusing on God and let Him fill that void in your soul until your husband can do his part in helping you heal. Thirdly, I’d like to suggest you read an article I wrote on forgiveness for Focus on the Family http://www.focusonthefamily.com/marriage/divorce-and-infidelity/forgiveness-and-restoration/understanding-forgiveness. Share it with your husband as well so he can hopefully see his part in helping you heal. Finally, even if he refuses to go to a counselor, perhaps he would agree to go to Retrouvaille. That is a wonderful program that would help the two of you communicate your feelings and connect at a heart level. As always, Angela, please feel free to email me privately if you need more help. God bless you!
Angela, my heart feels the pain you feel. As I prepare to honor, alone, what would have been our 29th anniversary this weekend (I have been separated more than two and-a-half years), I can’t help but feel heartbroken still. But on the other hand, I have come to a point where the idea of reconciliation scares me, for some of the very reasons you have described. My husband, also, blamed me for everything wrong between us, failing to see or to admit his own share of the fault. For nearly two years I continued to hear his ugly words to me upon leaving, and to feel the crushing pain from someone I loved more than anyone else in the world. I couldn’t understand how someone I loved so much, and who I would have sacrificed anything for, could be so horribly angry and cruel to me. I have now risen above that, and I know that there can never be reconciliation unless and until he faces his own insecurities. As a woman who has had her heart crushed by her husband, I’m the last person to give you advice. But this I know, when you reach a point in your heart and soul, where you feel as if you want to crawl out of your body because the situation seems to have no apparent resolution, then perhaps it is time to take yourself out and step back from it in order to draw closer to God and to get His perspective, as well as His healing. And, as you learned, it may take longer than just the seven months you had before; it will be as long as God needs it to be to heal both, you and your husband. As I continue to wait, and struggle to trust in God’s perfect plan and His perfect timing, I have gotten to the place where I know it would have not worked out for my marriage if my husband had come home too soon. And, I have to confess, I am glad for that now. It is still so very painful, but I can say I have no regrets. I’m praying for you Angela, and for your husband. God has a plan and a purpose for you in this.
Oh Angela,
Reading your reply seems as if I was reading emails I personally sent to Linda one to many times. I feel your pain, I lived your story. This is without a doubt the hardest journey I have ever been through but truly the most rewarding. Just like you I saw us reconciled but I was truly miserable, questioning God why did I even go this route? I came to realize that it truly was all in God’s control and timing. I could not change my husbands thoughts, feelings or actions but only my own. I trusted and had faith God would restore my marriage and make it new and I never stopped believing that. I simply stepped back and fully surrendered my husband to God. I knew God would not leave me in limbo as my husband made me feel. I too felt as it wasn’t fair that he got away with so much as I sat here playing the role of the good girl wanting restoration. The feelings were real but they were reminders from the enemy, hindrances that would simply take my peace and allow be to be reminded why I did NOT want the marriage! God wanted me to trust in HIM and believe He was able but how could I feel that if my mind was consumed by the what if’s, the how’s, the when’s? The constant confusion that went through my head. I realized confusion is not from God but from the enemy. As hard as it is try to focus on YOU and GOD! How can you walk better as an example of Christs love, peace and joy. Trust me it’s hard, I know but if you simply ask for it in prayer you will receive it! That peace will only come as you make Him your first and not idolize your husband or the situation. Keep clinging to God and probably now more than ever because the enemy does not want the marriage restored. Please remember the only one we can control is ourselves, focus on you and how you can find that completeness in Him alone. Please, don’t focus on rushing the process. That’s one thing I know for sure I gave up, I had to trust in Gods timing! It’s in Gods hands and if he started the process He will finish!! God will not keep you in that unsteadiness. Pray without ceasing, keep your eyes on Him not what you are seeing at home! Remember the real enemy you are fighting is not your spouse but the enemy that comes to kill, steal and destroy. I will be praying for you! Do not loose hope! God will restore it and make it all new, do not loose hope! God bless you!
This conversation came up again when the post was shared on Facebook yesterday. I still continue to stand for my marriage, and pray for reconciliation, even though I have been divorced for almost 2 years now, and separated for almost 4 years. I continue to pray for my husband and seek the healing of my heart from the intense pain I still have to deal with every day. He is living with another woman, but many negative things have happened to him financially, and I am managing to be the stable one.
I have immersed myself in my faith, with ministry to others and support in Christ based groups. I have found a website with great support, Rejoice Marriage Ministries, and I am slowly meeting up with many friends of our past years. Maybe one of them can get through to him.
God bless you, Hope for Love! Thanks for the update. I’m so glad you’ve found support.