Using Positive Words to Become a Rainmaker in Your Marriage

Although Florida summers are known for their humidity and rain, one year the hot summer sun sizzled across the Florida landscape for several weeks with hardly a trace of rain.  Fires broke out. Yards turned brown and plants were dying. Water bills skyrocketed. When the refreshing rains finally came, I and my fellow Floridians sighed with relief.

As I reminisced about the arid weather that year that caused everything to wither, I thought about relationships that sometimes wither for lack of nourishment. Too often, each person looks to the other for love without realizing they themselves are the rainmakers.  Each of them—by themselves—could bring refreshment to their relationship through the power of uplifting and positive words.

In general, we all know the importance of words.  But often we fail to distinguish the differences in how a man and woman perceive them.  What is important to a woman isn’t necessarily what encourages a man. . . and vice versa.

Meeting Emotional Needs

Early in the separation between my husband and me, I was stunned to realize how terribly my words had missed the mark in meeting his needs.  I thought I was a fairly nice person.  I didn’t cuss or swear.  I didn’t call names.  I didn’t lie.  I tried to be considerate.  So when I started reading books on marriage and honing in on changes I needed to make in myself, I was startled to discover how utterly lacking I was in meeting my husband’s emotional needs.

But why?  Why did I fail in this regard?  One reason can be explained quite simply:  I am a woman and my husband is a man.

John Gray, in his book, Men are From Mars, Women are from Venus, describes the differences in the emotional needs of men and women in the following way.  A man’s primary emotional needs are “trust, acceptance, appreciation, admiration, approval, and encouragement.”  However, “caring, understanding, respect, devotion, validation, and reassurance,” meet the emotional needs of a woman.

As a woman, I assumed the comments I found encouraging would also be uplifting to my husband.  And sometimes I got it right. But too often I didn’t. In the e-mails I get from readers and in the classes my husband and I lead, I have seen how common a problem this is for us as husbands and wives. Yes, men see things through a masculine lens. Women view things from a feminine one. Even science has now shown the differences between the perceptions of men and women through the studies of the brain.

Let’s look at what happens in the common course of our marriages.

Positive Words for the Men

During the demands of everyday family life, a woman‘s verbal exchanges often shift from fostering a relationship to fostering a routine. To move forward with life, we may lose the sense of our husband’s personal needs and focus on responsibilities instead. He becomes our partner in solving problems and fulfilling responsibilities rather than a person who needs the appreciation we may have lavished on him when we were dating or first married.

When our husbands return home from work, we may greet him with a kiss followed by a litany of the frustrations of our day. Okay, the kiss shows we care (we think); the litany of frustrations is a request for understanding. The husband’s eyes gloss over. Having finished his workday, he is looking for approval and appreciation for his contribution to the family. He secretly hopes for an enthusiastic greeting that welcomes him home as hero and man of our dreams.

One of our pastors described with obvious pleasure the greeting he often receives from his wife when he returns home at night. Upon hearing him come in the door, his wife hurries to meet him with a smile, exclaiming, “Here’s my man!” The grin on his face as he told the story said it all. That one statement met many of his emotional needs all wrapped into a few words.  In short, he felt admired, accepted, and appreciated all at once.

Positive words of appreciation like “thank you” and “I think that’s really great that you___ (fill in the blank)” lifts a man’s spirits.  When your husband relates an accomplishment at work, congratulating him with “You’re the greatest; I’m so proud of you,” feeds his need for admiration and makes his spirits soar. Is he feeling like a failure?  Showing confidence in him with, “I know you can do it, or you’ll do better tomorrow,” expresses approval, encouragement, and trust.

When a man messes up, words like, “I know you had a hard day; it’s okay,” gives him a sense of a world in harmony. Celebrating his finishing the 10K with cheers and congratulations—even if he finished last—encourages him and makes him feel appreciated.

In contrast, when a wife says, “Oh, there’s a parking place over there,” another woman might see that as a caring and supportive comment, but a man’s interpretation is that you are not trusting him to find the parking place. Chances are, he even sees a comment like this as controlling and lacking respect.

Sometimes it’s hard as women to just be silent.  But at times no words are the most positive words.

Positive Words for the Women

So what about husbands? How do men miss the mark in meeting the needs of their wives?

Before he marries, a man focuses his attention on his wife-to-be, but afterwards the hunter in him shifts his attention to his career. He walks in the door thinking about his need for personal time and hopes to be appreciated for what he’s accomplished during his work day.  He looks to his wife to be his fan, his support person.

When his wife meets him at the door with a list of her troubles, he sighs in frustration, assuming he is expected to fix all her problems. But what she really wants is understanding, respect, and validation. He only needs to sit and listen and validate her for doing her best, and that is enough. At the end of his listening, she will feel understood, respected, validated, and reassured—emotional needs met and few words needed. He does not have to fix the problem.

To be a loving husband, upon arriving at home a man needs to shift gears and reach outside of himself so he can open his ears and heart  to what his wife has to say about her day.  He needs to study her needs, and be ready to communicate, realizing it’s not yet time to tune out.

At various times, saying, “I love you,” “This was a great dinner” or “you look beautiful in that new blouse,” gives her the feeling of being cared for, validated, and reassured. When you see her struggling to open a jar or having difficulty with a project, saying, “Here, let me help you with that” and then doing it if she wants you to, shows that you care.

When she has something to tell you, listen. That shows respect. When she cries, put your arm around her or hold her hand and tell her you love her. That shows devotion and caring.  On the other hand, when you don’t say encouraging words in circumstances like these, she may feel you don’t care, don’t respect her, and don’t understand.

When your wife expresses ideas that are different from yours, listen. Instead of bulldozing them, try them on for size. If your wife is complaining about you, really listen.  Instead of getting defensive, take a deep breath, nod your head and say “Okay, I’ll think about that.” Then go to the Bible or talk to a Christian friend to see if there is truth to her concerns. If there is, act accordingly. She will feel validated, understood and cared for.

For both men and women, positive listening and patient silences can be just as important as positive words.

Positive Words When Separated

But whether you’re a man or a woman, what if you’ve really blown it?  Perhaps your marriage is in crisis or you’re separated?  Sit down and think about positive words or actions that can meet the emotional needs of your spouse.  Make a list. Then take advantage of each time you are together to put them into action.

The bottom line, however, is that in our human fallenness, none of us is adequate to meet all the emotional needs of our spouses.  Only God can do that.  And only God can give us the wisdom to satisfactorily meet even some of their needs ourselves.  But as we look to Him in humility and ask for guidance, He will strengthen our hearts and show us how to love.  When the Bible instructs men “to love their wives” and a woman “to respect her husband,” it tells us there’s a difference in the needs of men and women.  When we explore this instruction further and flesh it out in real life situations and words we understand, we will learn how to nourish marriages that were in the process of withering for lack of love.

For more help in healing a hurting marriage, my new book, Fighting for Your Marriage while Separated, might give you the support you’re looking for.