Find Direction by Setting Goals

woman's back as she sits looking at sunset

Photo by Allef Vinicius

WHEN LIFE THROWS us a curve ball we may find ourselves off balance. It’s hard to find direction. At these times it can help if we become intentional by sitting down and setting specific goals – both short term and long term ones. New Years is a great time to do that.

If you’re feeling off balance and are looking into a 2024 that feels uncertain and unsettling, I suggest you print off this page, get a pen, a Bible and a cup of coffee and sit down prayerfully to map out your hopes and goals for the new year. Ask God to give you direction as you hold onto His promises and look at the different areas of your life.  When doubt and uncertainty rocks your world, setting goals for yourself can brighten the path ahead.

GOAL SETTING FOR THE NEW YEAR

I. PERSONAL GOALS:

Practical Steps For Achieving:

 

“And my God will meet all your needs according to his glorious riches in Christ Jesus.” Phil. 4:19

II. MARRIAGE AND RELATIONSHIP GOALS:

Practical Steps For Achieving:

 

“Submit to one another out of reverence for Christ.” Eph. 5:21

III. FAMILY GOALS:

Practical Steps for Achieving:

 

Love is patient; love is kind. It does not envy; it does not boast; it is not proud. It is not rude; it is not self-seeking; it is not easily angered; it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.” I Cor. 13:4-7

IV. CAREER GOALS:

Practical Steps for Achieving:

 

“Commit to the Lord whatever you do, and your plans will succeed.” Prov. 16:3

V. ATTITUDE GOALS:

Practical Steps for Achieving:

 

“…be made new in the attitude of your minds, and to put on the new self, created to be like God in true righteousness and holiness.” Eph. 4:23-24

VI. GOALS OF SERVICE TO GOD AND OTHERS:

Practical Steps for Achieving:

 

“And do not forget to do good and to share with others, for with such sacrifices God is pleased.” Heb. 13:16

VII. SPIRITUAL GOALS:

Practical Steps for Achieving:

 

“And we pray this in order that you may live a life worthy of the Lord and may please him in every way, bearing fruit in every good work, growing in the knowledge of God, being strengthened with all power according to His glorious might so that you may have great endurance and patience and joyfully giving thanks to the Father…” Col. 1:10-11

If you’re feeling off balance because of what’s happening in your marriage and need to set some specific goals for moving forward, you might find direction in my book, Fighting for Your Marriage while Separated.

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God Shift – A Divine Move From Disruption To Destiny

Book cover for A God ShiftGuest Post By Shayna Rattler

Do you find yourself asking, “what the heck is going on in my life”? Perhaps you are feeling stuck, no longer passionate, or that you’re on the wrong path? Life is full of setbacks, disappointments, and uncertainties. God uses these unexpected circumstances as a means to get your attention and draw you into greater possibility, but most believers are ill-equipped to properly understand or respond appropriately to the disruptions God allows to happen in their life. They also fall into the trap of solely relying on the prayers of others or waiting idly on God for their situation to change, when in fact they have the authority to partner with God to create the life He promises and they desire.

If you are having a tough time overcoming the unexpected circumstances God has thrown your way, you may be in the need of a God shift! A God shift is when a disruption in your life collides with God’s purpose and moves you into new dimensions of possibility. It is a process you go through in order to ultimately get to where God needs you most, and become the person He needs you to be, in order to accomplish what He needs you to do. God is trying to get your attention and invite you into greater possibility. Why? Because another level of destiny awaits you and it’s time to be more, do more, and have more.

So you’re ready to shift, now what?

Here is what it takes to make SHIFT happen…

  1. Release. Perhaps the most difficult part of shifting is letting go. Some of the most common things we need to release are the life we planned, how we planned it, and who and what we planned it to include. Be more open to what God desires.
  1. Become. Your shifting season is going to be more about being than doing. Consider it a process of discovery or an opportunity to reinvent yourself. Focus on amplifying your strengths and shedding your weaknesses.
  1. Move In order to shift successfully, you have to be committed to taking action, even if your steps are laced with uncertainty. It’s time to discover your new possibilities. What are the steps you can take NOW to get you closer to your next? Not sure? Get help so you don’t stay stuck.
  1. Avoid Seeking Clarity and Confirmation. When God instructs you to take a step and you continue to look for more clarity and confirmation it is an indication you are full of doubt. Doubt and destiny are polar opposites so begin to see opportunities as confirmation that God has answered your prayers.
  1. Use Your God-Given Authority. When Jesus died He left you with the exact power He had and left with you the ability to use that power in your day to day life. It’s your job to uncover the authority you have as a believer to manifest your desires into existence just as Christ did. In life, especially when you are faced with obstacles, it is important that you have a deep understanding of your identity. The good news is that if you are a believer in God you have power that can overcome anything. The most powerful tool of authority you have access to is your words! Every word you speak MUST be in alignment with what you are praying for. If you find yourself speaking contrary to what you’re praying for, immediately confess that you do not agree with what you spoke and replace the previous declaration with one that proclaims what you desire. Now that you’ve discovered the foundational rules of shifting I hope you see the disruptions in your life from a different perspective. Something that HAD to happen. Fortunately, it happened for you and not to you. What is important now is to continue to dream and commit to where God is taking you. Your life is an incubator for miracles! Keep trusting and keep going.

 

Shayna Rattler is the author of A God Shift and Founder of A God Shift Movement. She is a minister, speaker, author, podcaster, and TV show host. For more tips to grow your faith, he invites you to download the FREE guide When God Says Shift at www.GodSaysShift.com.

 

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A Little More of This – A Little Less of That

Ingredients separated into small bowls for cooking

Photo by Cleanlight Photo

Tweaking an Out-of-Balance Marriage

EDDIE LOVED TO JOKE around and brought a fun spirit into every gathering. Jeanne loved to laugh but probed deeply into every decision with a serious mindset. When they met, the two were immediately attracted to the strengths of the other. Jeanne enjoyed a new frivolity in herself she’d never experienced, and Eddie appreciated the new-found depth of conversation. After a few years of marriage however, Eddie’s goofball ways began to get on Jeanne’s nerves, and Eddie wondered where his fun-loving wife had gone. He wanted her to lighten up. A rift grew between them, and their marriage hit a rough patch. Their marriage seemed out of balance.

As Jeanne sought the Lord for answers and examined herself, God’s peace lightened her spirit and grew a sweet confidence in her. She began to add some light and humorous moments into their times together. As God began to work in both their hearts, Eddie began going deeper in his spiritual life and took a closer look at his wife. Their softer and gentler approach to one another brought them back together in a meaningful way, and they found their love reborn.

 A Marriage Unravels

When a marriage begins to unravel, husbands and wives often start to blame each other. The core problem, however, may not be anyone’s fault. In many cases, it’s simply a matter of finding the right balance in daily interactions. In fact, when we really get honest with ourselves, it may be that each of us just needs a little less of this and a little more of that.

Our personality types, emotional make-ups, and past experiences often cause us to lean heavily on certain character strengths or relationship skills that have worked for us in the past and helped us achieve our goals. These qualities may have even served as an asset in the early stages of attraction to one another.

In a marriage, however, those strengths, when pushed too far over a span of years, can turn into weaknesses, building tension between husband and wife until eventually a chasm develops.

At this point, a little self-examination might show us ways to tweak our attitudes and actions so we can find a better balance. Since opposites attract, quite possibly both spouses need to make adjustments.

If your marriage seems to be on a downhill slide, see if you can find yourself on the list of opposites below. Perhaps it can help you break the fall.

A Little Bit of Tweaking 

  • ·         If you’ve been too serious, try to be more lighthearted.  Change the pace with humor to throw in some comic relief.  If you’re the jokester, start listening more and look at the serious side of things.
  • ·         If you’ve been withdrawn, become more assertive in expressing your thoughts and ideas. If you’ve been too assertive, start holding your tongue before speaking.
  • ·         If you’ve been judgmental and critical, begin to compliment. If you’ve been compliant and passive, start thinking about and expressing what you want and need.
  • ·         If you’ve been the pursuer, give your spouse more space. If you’ve been too distant, reach out in positive ways to communicate and affirm.
  • ·         If you depend too much on your spouse to make you happy, think of ways to nurture yourself.  If you spend a significant amount of time on your own pleasure, start thinking of ways to please your spouse.

Because we identify these tendencies as such a part of our personalities, we don’t see the negative impact they have on our relationship. But when we take some serious time to humbly look at ourselves and ask God for wisdom and insight, we may discover that saving our marriage doesn’t require us to become different people—we simply need to balance a little less of this and a little more of that.

Search me, God, and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts. Psalm 139:23

If you have an out-of-balance marriage which has unraveled to the point of crisis, my book, Fighting for Your Marriage while Separated, may help to restore your relationship.

 

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Fairy Tale Marriage, Soul Mates, or Journey Partners

man and woman looking at lakeTHE OTHER DAY as my husband and I were enjoying some quiet moments together, I started thinking about our marriage and how to describe it. I knew we didn’t have a fairy tale marriage because even though it started out that way, it obviously didn’t continue. Otherwise, we wouldn’t have experienced a three year separation after over 20 years together.

Soul Mates

As for being soul mates. I hear couples talking about that. But we are not ones who know what the other is thinking. We don’t finish each other sentences—unless I’m listening to my husband telling jokes or repeating stories I’ve already heard dozens of times before. And although we share some of the same interests and opinions, we diverge in a number of others. We process things differently and solve problems differently.  Our personalities are entirely different, and sometimes we just don’t understand each other. So we’re not soul mates.

Then, as I thought more about soul mates, I realized that although I don’t actually have a soul mate with skin on, I do have a soul mate. And his name is Jesus. Jesus is my soul mate. He’s the one who knows my every thought. He’s the one who can finish my sentences. He’s the one who is heart of my heart, who I can call on at any moment and feel the peace of His presence. The Faithful One who knows my weaknesses and failures and loves me anyway, always reassuring me of His love.

So if my husband and I don’t have a fairy tale marriage and we’re not soul mates, who are we?

Journey Partners

I believe my husband and I are the reality of what God designed marriage to be. Not fairy tale lovers, but journey partners.

We’ve journeyed through this life together and experienced the good and the bad, the for-better and worse, the in-sickness and health. My husband is the one God brought into my life and gave to me so we could grow together. God’s plan was to use our similarities and differences to teach us what He wanted us to know and to grow us into the man and woman he wanted us to be. And, ultimately to use us for His purposes in our lives and the lives of others.

God has often used us as sandpaper in each other’s lives, to challenge us in our behavior and assumptions and shave off rough edges, to cause us to go deeper in our thinking and in our faith.  We’ve grown together over the years as we each took inventory of mistakes, past and present.

When I look at this man today I may not always see the funny, carefree, easy going young man I married so many years ago, but when my heart lingers a little on the man beside me, God opens my eyes to see that, yes, this is the man I fell in love with, the man who won my heart, the man I didn’t want to live without.

The fairy tale didn’t last, but the commitment did, and as I found my real soul mate in Jesus, I also discovered the precious treasure I had in giving and receiving the love of my husband as journey partner – not perfect, but wonderful, warm and comfortable, a listening ear when I want to talk, an encouraging presence in lonely, unsettling, discouraging or stressful times, an old friend who remembers the same movies I do, and a partner who cheers me on in my hopes and dreams.

We’ve traveled through life together. We’ve experienced it all—together. Our pasts are linked with an assortment of memories entwined through decades of laughter, grief, tears, happiness, plenty and want, discovery, celebration, disappointment, joy, and sorrow. We share memories together only the two of us can know.

This is my man, my journey partner, the treasure God gave me to share life with, the love of my life—my husband.  I thank God for His precious gift and pray that He will never let me forget that my husband –though not perfect in himself – is God’s perfect gift for me in the purposes He wants to accomplish in my life and his through our relationship.

Today, as we share this quiet moment together, I look into my husband’s face and see him again– the man I married, the man I love, the man I chose to live my life with, and the man I would choose again if I had to do it all over again.

***

If you expected to have a fairy tale marriage, but your marriage has come to crisis instead, my book, Fighting for Your Marriage while Separated may help you learn the secrets of becoming journey partners and finding the happy marriage you’re hoping for.

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Unexpected

CaladiumsI love Caladiums and how they spring up as a sweet surprise in our Florida gardens each year as the winter months ease into the warmth of spring and summer.

Completely out of sight in winter, the bulbs linger beneath the ground, waiting for the right time to remind us of their presence by suddenly appearing to grace us with their colorful display of foliage.

How like God to pop them into the mundaneness of our circumstances as a joyful reminder of the little surprises He has in store for us when we don’t expect them. And a sweet reminder that His beauty is always with us even when we don’t see it –even when we’re unaware of it—or perhaps, more accurately, when we’ve “forgotten” all about it as with the Caladiums that disappear completely from sight in autumn only to flourish months later with such beauty.

The Caladiums in my garden remind me too that we can often find hope in unexpected places and at unexpected times when we trust God for the outcome of our situations. Life’s problems can become so all-consuming, the details of the everyday so urgent, that we forget there is a loving, all powerful God waiting to pour blessings into our lives.

We don’t see it. And His invisibility makes us forget. Until one moment the unexpected beauty of His love and grace or an unexpected answer to prayer pushes through our muddled circumstances and we remember He’s been there all along.

The mystery God has woven through His creation always points us back to Him when we open our eyes and hearts to the “more” of what waits for us outside the limited scope of our present reality.

“No eye has seen, no ear has heard,
and no mind has imagined
what God has prepared
for those who love him” (1 Corinthians 2:9).

                  I am with you always, even to the end of the age” (Matthew 28:20).

 

If you are in a marriage where the problems seem all consuming, my book, Broken Heart on Hold, can point you to a place of hope where you can find strength for this difficult season.

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Righteous Relationship Reset, Interview with Author Sherri Downs

Book cover of Righteous Relationship ResetCAN YOU “RESET” your marriage, and in effect, start over? Author Sherri Downs believes you can. In her book, Righteous Relationship Reset, she shares personally how God reset her own marriage by meticulously unwrapping the message God gave her when her marriage was in trouble. I recently did an interview with her on her Marriage Matters podcast, where Sherri seeks to provide listeners with hope and help on their marriage journeys. Sherri has a real heart to see marriages strengthened and uses her multi-media talents to do just that.

Linda: Sherri, tell me why you wrote a book about marriage reset?

Sherri: I identify the word reset in the terms of a fresh start. I’ve often heard “we serve a God of a second chances.” So, after experiencing devastation in my marriage, which, I share in my book Righteous Relationship Reset, I began to petition God to reset my marriage as if the devastation had never happened. As God began to restore and reset my marriage, I began to feel the call to share the message of hope, restoration, and a fresh start.

Linda: Why do you think marriages sometimes need to be reset?

Sherri: Unfortunately, we live in a broken world system and there will always be forces both natural and spiritual that will test our humanity. And the fact of the matter is, sometimes we pass, and sometimes we fail. Marriage is a relationship that is designed to be till death do us part. Humans are not perfect. On the contrary, we are flawed, and in marriage we will make mistakes. Those mistakes will need forgiveness and an ability to start afresh and reset. Now a reset doesn’t wipe away consequences, but it does give you a chance to not allow them to hold you back as you choose humility and forgiveness.

Linda: What do you believe was the intent of God for marriage?

Sherri: God created marriage with the intent that man and woman would live in harmony with one another. The newly created beings were to be fruitful, multiply, and replenish the earth. God took the expression of the relationship and created a covenant with Adam and Eve which would mirror the trinity, God the Father, Son, and Holy Spirit. The two human beings were pure yet untested.

Linda: What does reconciliation look like in marriage?

Sherri: We are all called to be more like Jesus, and the ministry of Jesus is reconciliation. Forgiveness does not always equal reconciliation. However, reconciliation comes as one follows the leading of Holy Spirit and the display of true repentance. God requires that no one become a doormat to destructive behaviors. True repentance has the attributes of honesty, acknowledgement of offense, remorse over the action, accountability, and actions that display evidence of change.

Linda: In marriage, you’ve said in your book, Righteous Relationship Reset, that unrealistic expectations can rob couples of embracing the beauty of relationship. Can you explain what you mean and how one can change this?

Sherri: Unrealistic expectations are a result of an assumption we should receive something from someone which they do not have the capacity Photo of Sherri Downsto give. The only person that can meet all our needs is God, and we are to live with the understanding that He is our ultimate source. This is not to say that we are never to expect things from our spouse. However, proper communication to verbally express those expectations is key. Then after the expectations are verbalized each can come to an understanding whether they can be met by the other spouse. I believe when we accept each person for who they are while providing grace to grow we may experience a beauty of evolving as a couple.

Linda: That is such an important point. But you stress another point as well. When and how does one place proper boundaries around their marriage?

Sherri: I’ve come to understand that boundaries are needed around everything. The world is an expression of that—streets, oceans, forests, continents, and seas all have boundaries. If boundaries did not exist, we would all live in chaos. Our lives need boundaries as well, finances, relationships, children, and our marriage. I regret not coming to the realization of the importance of enforced boundaries in my early years. Maybe someone told me, but the revelation didn’t become real until I experienced the devastation from not enforcing them around everything. We must intentionally start a marriage thinking about the important things which will make a marriage last.

If you’re already married, you may want to stop and have serious conversations to address areas of chaos. Chances are those are the places where there are no enforced boundaries. If apparent chaos is not present, sit and think about areas where boundaries would be beneficial and put them in place together.

Linda: Where does one start to rebuild a marriage?

Sherri: When a marriage has been torn down, the first place to start to rebuild a marriage is repentance, forgiveness, and commitment to the process of rebuilding. When a marriage is destroyed, it’s like a demolition of a building that took time to construct. When that building is destroyed the only way to rebuild it is by placing the bricks back one at a time. Brick by brick the building is restored.

Linda: Do you believe any marriage can be saved?

Sherri: I believe any marriage can be saved if both parties are willing to do marriage God’s way. The only marriage which cannot be saved is the one who’s hearts have turned cold towards God. When we allow Holy Spirit the opportunity to soften our hearts, He can restore anything. No one goes into a marriage saying, I want to be divorced. There was once an intention to be married for a very long time. Humility is key for both spouses along with allowing Holy Spirit to lead the way to restore the marriage better than it was before. I always say, “God specializes in resurrecting dead things, even a broken, devastated marriage.”

Linda: Any final thoughts?

Sherri: God had a specific intent in mind for marriage. Culture has perverted marriage by inserting doctrines that contradict God’s Word, Will, and Ways. Kingdom citizens are encouraged to view marriage with spiritual lenses. “I heard it said that ‘a perfect marriage is just two imperfect people who refuse to give up on each other,’ and I agree. God desires to bring His will into our marriages, but someone must choose to do marriage God’s way.”

Linda: How can people find more about you and your book, Righteous Relationship Reset?

Sherri: To connect with me or purchase my book, Righteous Relationship Reset, visit www.touchdownsenterprise.com or my Facebook Page at https://www.facebook.com/OfficialSherriDowns Readers can also email me at info@touchdownsenterprise.com

 

 

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Getting to Know God’s Heart—Interview with Patty Mason

Book cover for Gettng to Know God's HeartIN ANY LOVE RELATIONSHIP, getting to know the other person’s heart draws us closer to them and creates a more intimate relationship. The same is true of God. If we know His heart, we will better understand what is important to Him. But how do we get to know God’s heart? In Getting to Know God’s Heart, author Patty Mason has created a beautiful Bible study that presents a seamless picture of God’s love as she weaves her own spiritual pilgrimage into the scriptural story of our heavenly Father’s love for us. Her Bible study invites the reader to personally experience God’s love in a more intimate way. Because of Patty’s warm and transparent style, this encouraging book is a resource I will regularly recommend to those going through troubling times.

Linda: Patty, what prompted you to begin seeking God’s heart?

 Patty: While battling depression, I watched a friend, who had more problems than I could count, go through life with joy. “How did she do it?” I wondered. How could she exhibit joy when she was left to care for her sick mother while her workaholic husband left her to raise four children on her own.

In comparison, my life was grand, yet she had peace and joy. God was her Rock, the one she clung to, and she spoke of Him with passion. God was not my favorite topic of conversation.

I could think of twenty other topics I would rather discuss. So I resisted, even though her enthusiasm for God caught my attention.

Linda: If her enthusiasm caught your attention, why did you hesitate? 

 Patty: Many things can keep us from wanting to know God.  I hesitated because I associated God with church and religion. To me church felt fickle and phony—reserved for the well-mannered, well-respected, and well-dressed. The church was not filled with people who knew how to love well, so I concluded God would treat me the way they did.

It’s sad to me now how we can embrace a false view of God based on how people treat us. God designed earthly relationships to serve as examples and reminders of His love for us, but if we’ve been harmed through human relationship, it can be difficult to receive God’s love.

When we’re going through something very hard, it’s easy to question God’s heart and begin to wonder, “Does God see? Does He even care?”

For thirty-six years, I had no idea how much God loved me and longed to have a relationship with me. I knew facts about God. I believed Jesus died on the cross, but I didn’t understand the depth of His love demonstrated upon that cross.

Linda: What led you to set aside your beliefs and seek God’s heart?

 Patty: Sheer desperation. I wanted the peace and joy my friend had, but until I became desperate, I wasn’t willing to pursue it. I needed healing. All the screaming, crying, and fits of rage were destroying my family and my life. Consuming alcohol to cope numbed the pain but fixed nothing. And when no one I turned to could help me, I was out of options.

I saw that amid her problems, my friend carried a joy and peace that was foreign to me. She seemed to know something I didn’t. So, when life became more than I could handle, I finally cried out to God.

Linda: What happened? How did God respond? 

 Patty: The day I was planning to take my life, God intervened. After years of battling depression, Jesus saved me, and His healing touch caused my heart to swing wide open. Suddenly, I wanted to know God. And this desire to know Him took me on a life-changing journey.

Linda: How did knowing God’s heart change your life?

 Patty: As a believer, I understood “how” God saved us, what I didn’t understand was “why” He saved us. In all those years of growing up in church, going through the motions of religion, I never saw the passion of God’s heart. I didn’t understand what He was after or how the healing balm of His love could set me free from deep wounds and rejection.

Getting to know God’s heart changed me because it changed my perspective of God, myself, and those around me. Seeing His heart for me filled me with a love for Him and others. As it says in 1 John 4:19, “We love because He first loved us.”

Jesus came to set the captives free, and when we know God’s heart for us, that understanding can set us free from sin, wounds, addictions, temptations, and past hurts.

Linda: What led you to write Getting to Know God’s Heart? And what do you hope people will gain from reading it?

Patty: The one thing I want people to know is: The greatest desire of God’s heart is you! He longs for you. What He wants most is you—all your heart, mind, soul, and strength. This is what my friend knew about God. She knew she was passionately loved by the Almighty God of the Universe and that understanding awakened her soul. She knew, no matter what she faced in life, His heart was for her, and it gave her peace.

This is what my friend wanted for me. She wanted to help me recognize the one thing that would change my life—an awareness of God’s love. This is why I wrote the book, and what I want for those who read it to receive. Above all else, no matter who they are or what they are going through, God loves them passionately and cares about them deeply.

Linda: What made you decide to use a Bible study format rather than just a regular chapter book?

Patty: It’s vital we see God’s heart through His word, not through the commentary of the author.

Much of our inner pain comes from not knowing God. And I wanted the reader to have the thrill of discovering His heart for them through the intimacy of His word.

Linda: What would you say to someone who is having trouble receiving God’s heart for them?

 Patty: Perhaps, like me, you have experienced setbacks in your pursuit of God. But don’t allow those obstacles to define God’s character or your relationship with Him. Regardless of what has held you back, be encouraged. God’s unyielding love will not give up on you. He knows you. He sees you, and He will not stop in His relentless pursuit of you.

So, allow me to challenge you to let go of any pain, false beliefs, or expectations, and pursue the heart of God and allow Him to capture you with the wonders of His love.

This is a choice. You can hold onto grudges, bitterness, and hurt. You can keep your current perspective and remain stuck. You can continue to strive and struggle, convinced God is only interested in your performance. Or you can lay all that aside and discover a love so profound it will set you free, fill you with love, and give you identity and purpose.

Linda: Patty, thank you for writing this beautiful, life changing book. Where can people find out more about your book, Getting to Know God’s Heart as well as your ministry and other books?

 Patty: To learn more, they can visit www.LibertyinChristMinistries.com

I would also like to invite them to join me on our FB group Quick & Easy Bible Studies for Women at www.facebook.com/groups/quickandeasybiblestudies

 

 

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What If My Marriage Is Not Reconciled?

woman looking upwardWHEN SELENA TOLD ME about her divorce, I was crushed. Years before, she had gone through Marriage 911, reconciled with her husband and been an enthusiastic supporter of others going through our ministry. We hadn’t been in touch for quite a while, and when she informed me of the happenings of the previous year, I was in shock.

She had made so many changes. She was more vibrant. Closer to God. She had literally become a more beautiful woman. She had ministered to others too and helped them walk this difficult journey.

I had not seen this coming, and neither had she. Her husband had seemed supportive, and they had come a long way. His divorcing her was completely unexpected.

For days I drug around, wondering how this could happen, asking God why. I remembered others whose marriages had also not reconciled. People who seemed to be doing all the right things.

One morning as I spent a prolonged time in prayer, God started whispering to my heart with memories, recollections, and encouragement. In my memory I saw Selena when she first came to class and how she was now. She had changed dramatically. She was more vibrant, more beautiful with a light in her eyes and a softness in her face. Her words were uplifting and gracious. She was closer to God and had a vital faith.

As God began to show me this, He began to speak to me in my heart. It’s not all about the marriage, Linda. It’s about the person themselves. And their relationship to me. I want them to come closer to me. And that’s what’s most important.

Awhile later my husband asked me what I was doing. I told him I’d been spending time with God and He was showing me some things.

“What did He show you?” he asked. “I always like hearing what God says to you.”

When I told him, he said, “Well that’s what we say in Marriage 911. You can’t change your spouse. You can only change yourself. It’s about your relationship between you and God.”

“And that’s what people say to me in their emails too,” I said. “Many people, whose marriages weren’t reconciled, email me to say that even though their marriage didn’t get back together and it was one of the hardest times in their life, they wouldn’t trade this experience because they had come so much closer to God.”

So, yes, after spending that time with the Lord, I realized it all comes down to this.

Even though my books and our Marriage 911 ministry have helped to bring about many reconciled marriages, there is no guarantee. Our fallen human natures still impact the results. The sinful choices and desires of a spouse can undermine God’s best plan for us. Likewise, our own past choices may have exhausted the emotional strength and patience of our mate. God gives us free will and does not force His own will upon us.

Sometimes in the searching for answers, we find answers we never expected, answers that explain far more than what initially drove us in our search.

In one of the last stories of my book, Fighting for Your Marriage while Separated, I quote an email sent to me from Theresa, who had gone through Marriage 911 and read Broken Heart on Hold, but whose marriage still ended in a divorce initiated by her husband. In the email she recalls the difficult journey and what she had learned through it.  “What if I was not really fighting for my marriage?” she asks. “What if God was actually having me fight for myself—my soul, my heart, my own salvation?” She finishes the email by saying, “The one that has been restored, I assure you, has been ME! I can finally hear Jesus saying to my heart, “See, I am doing a new thing! Now it springs up; do you not perceive it? I am making a way in the wilderness and streams in the wasteland” (Isaiah 43:19).’”

As I continued to meditate on what God was showing me that day, I pictured someone dancing in God’s presence, joyful in the love surrounding them.  And I realized, although we want to help reconcile marriages, our ultimate goal is this: to open up each person’s heart to God, themselves, and others so they can shed the shabbiness within their souls and become the beautiful creation God intended them to be.

Hopefully, as they dance into their new persona, their spouses will be able to join them in the dance and the two of them can grow together in the pursuit of holiness God wants them to have. But even if their spouse does not join them, they will not dance alone. Jesus is there to lead them into the joyful discovery of all He holds for them. His love will be ever-present and His dance will lift them to new heights.

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Life on Pause: Learning to Wait Well – Interview with Author, Candy Arrington

Book cover for Life on Pause-Learning to Wait WellWAITING IS NOT something most of us like to do. I usually try to get to a doctor’s appointment right on the minute rather than arriving early to cut down on the wait time. I groan when I see the light turning red right before reaching the intersection because I know it means waiting. Most of all, when my husband and I were separated, I didn’t understand why God didn’t answer my prayers immediately and bring our marriage back together sooner. Waiting is hard.  In stressful situations, it can even cause us to question God’s goodness. But author Candy Arrington sees purpose in our waiting. In her new book, Life on Pause: Learning to Wait Well, she explores what it means to us when our life is “On Pause” and even shows us how waiting can be a blessing.

Linda: The books we write often emerge out of our own life experiences. What would you say was the motivation behind your writing Life on Pause: Learning to Wait Well?

Candy: Several years ago, my husband lost two jobs within a year because of declining work in his field. After the first job loss, he secured employment within a few weeks. However, after the second, we encountered a life pause, a time of uncertainty and frustration. As weeks became months, we dealt with the anxiety and fear associated with waiting.

However, this was not our first experience with a season of waiting. Early in our marriage, we traveled the difficult road of infertility. Those years of surgeries, procedures, and heartache were stressful and tested our faith. Thankfully, I was eventually able to conceive and deliver two healthy children over a four-year period.

I’d like to say I handled the years of infertility well, but, in truth, I was angry with God and hurt by thoughtless and intrusive comments from those who had no right to make judgements or give unwanted advice. The infertility years taught me a lot about trusting God and tuning out Satan’s voice. Often, we believe Satan’s lies instead of focusing on promises in God’s Word.

Sometimes, when God sidelines us in a season of waiting, we fail to learn from the experience because we are so consumed with worry about what will happen next. Learning to wait well is a challenge, but if we’re willing, we can learn and grow in a time of waiting, while also strengthening our faith muscles.

Linda: Why do you think most people struggle with waiting?

Candy: We live in an impatient society. We’re trained by advertising to think we must respond immediately to offers, hurry to make purchases, or sign up for events so we don’t miss out. We chafe at delays in drive-thru lines or other waiting scenarios. By our very nature as humans, we are impatient. We want what we want without delay, regardless of consequences or who is hurt by our impulsiveness.

Waiting is counterculture, and like so much in the life of faith, requires us to take a step back from urgency, look to God for direction and discernment, and trust his timing.

Linda: That is so very true. When I tell people my husband and I were separated for three years, people are aghast that I could wait that long for God to bring healing to our marriage. Waiting is hard, but I believe God uses it for His purposes. Tell me, what do you think are the benefits of waiting? Is it ever beneficial?

Candy: We live in a world of instant everything, so waiting feels negative. God’s plans, methods, and time frame are rarely ours, and he has reasons for allowing life pauses. Here are a few I’ve discovered:

Protection – God sees the full picture of our lives while we see only snapshots. Waiting may be God’s way of protecting us from potential Headshot of author Candy Arringtonhazards of which we are unaware.

Preparation – A time of waiting prepares us for what lies ahead. Each difficult situation or period of waiting requires us to acknowledge God, trust him for resolution, and prepares us for future challenges.

Patience – Life pauses help us to cultivate patience, which is something most of us lack. Patience requires discipline, and discipline translates positively into other areas of life.

Rest – A season of waiting may be solely for the purpose of providing rest, a chance to reassess, or recover from trauma, stress, or grief.

Reflection – Most of us move through life at such a rapid pace we rarely take time to process emotions, spend more than brief moments in Bible study and prayer, and reflect on what God is doing in our lives. Seasons of waiting slow us and help us gain new perspective on what is truly important.

Renewal – Life is hard, and obedience to God’s directive to pause allows time for recharging physically, emotionally, and mentally.

Linda: All of those are great points. In light of what we’ve all been going through over the last two years, do you feel the timing of the publication of Life on Pause is significant?

Candy: Yes, when I presented this book idea to a publisher at a conference in 2019, it was not the book I had planned to pitch. But while I was waiting for my appointment, God reminded me of an article I wrote several years before for CBN.com titled “6 Simple Truths for Seasons of Waiting.” I was resistant to moving in a different direction because I had no proposal for a book on waiting, but I pulled up the article on my phone and used it as my outline. Six months later, when I signed a contract for the book, I had no idea our country, and our world, were about to enter a time of waiting related to the pandemic.

Looking back, I can see how God orchestrated the timing of the writing of my book and the publication, and, in fact, the idea for the book in the first place. I was much more in tune with the emotions and uncertainty of waiting as I wrote, and had greater insight, because I was living it!

That is how it is when our lives take an unexpected detour. Often, we can’t see God’s hand in our circumstances until after we wade through deep waters and reach the shore on the other side. Then, we can see he guided us, removed obstacles, and held us up when turbulent trials threaten to pull us under.

Linda: Are there any features in your book, Life on Pause that seem to have ministered most to readers?

Candy: I believe some of the most powerful parts of the book are the eight personal stories of waiting. So many people have said they identify with one or more of the stories because of the honesty and transparency of those who were willing to share.

Often, privacy or embarrassment prevents us from talking about hard life experiences, but when we share our difficulties, and how God taught us in those circumstances, others receive encouragement for what they are facing.

Linda: What do you most want readers to take away from this book?

Candy: In reading Life on Pause, I want readers to learn to see positives when sidelined in a time of waiting, or really in any situation they encounter that causes them to feel out of control or doesn’t make sense to them. I hope readers will realize how crucial it is to trust God’s timing rather than rushing ahead. I want them to cultivate listening ears that are open to God’s direction. When viewed from God’s perspective, waiting is a gift. Embrace waiting. Learn from it. Utilize it. And as you wait, draw closer to God.

Linda: Where can people purchase Life on Pause: Learning to Wait Well as well as find out more about your ministry and your other books, such as When Your Aging Parent Needs Care and AFTERSHOCK: Help, Hope, and Healing in the Wake of Suicide

Candy:  My books can be found on Amazon, Barnes & Noble and other online booksellers and local stores as well. You can see more about my other books and ministry at  CandyArrington.com

 

 

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Creating Safety through Listening

Photo by Etienne Boulang

I OFTEN TALK ABOUT THE IMPORTANCE of creating safety in a relationship to help a marriage thrive or survive a marital collapse. In my book, Fighting for Your Marriage while Separated, it’s a common theme that runs throughout the pages. But what that means is not always easy to understand. For how do you create safety?  It’s not just about refraining from a fight or not attacking the other person. In fact, creating safety can even involve something as simple as how we listen to each other.

How do we react when our partner tells us about a problem? Are we supporting them or trying to fix them? Are we allowing them to express their feelings or are we unintentionally shutting them down by negating emotions that seem illogical to us? Do we interrupt them and interject our own spins on things or do we allow them to finish their story?

Both partners need to feel safe if they are to be happy in the relationship, and we can consciously promote safety in a variety of ways. Learning how to listen when our partner expresses their needs without interjecting ourselves into their narrative is one of the ways we can help them feel safe.

Deborah Maxey, PhD, wrote a great article in MTL magazine called “Can You Hear Me Now” about how to listen to someone when they are in need and expressing deep feelings or hurts.  She specifically lists the ways we often fall short in our listening skills and unintentionally push the person away instead of using the time to help them feel safe and understood. She lists 15 mistakes we often make in our listening. I highly recommend that you read the full article below and see if you can create more safety in your marriage by improving your listening skills.

Can You Hear Me Now?

by Deborah Maxey, Ph.D.

There truly is “more to life” when we have healthy, loving relationships. In my practice as a psychotherapist, assessing the health or issues in relationships was a huge part of my job. Extensive training allowed me to dive deep into what makes a relationship work and what creates distance. As an expert witness, I testified in court over a thousand times on those assessments.

Without question, the biggest characteristic of health or disorder in our relationships is how well we comfort one another. In a time of need, does our partner, friend or child find a safe, cushy place to land where he can share his tender needs with us?

There are key ingredients to being that safe, soft place to land when someone is hurting. The most important thing we can do to build trust as a safe person to share with is to practice getting ourselves out of the way when we listen. Most people are well meaning and think they are good listeners. But even the most compassionate people can make big errors.

To offer quality comfort, we must be open to hearing our loved one’s physical, emotional and spiritual needs without our own feelings and needs interrupting. Here are fifteen ways listening can go wrong and create distance in a relationship.

Continue reading  https://mtlmagazine.com/article/can-you-hear-me-now/

 

You can learn other ways to create safety in a relationship in my book, Fighting for Your Marriage while Separated.

 

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