WHEN SELENA TOLD ME about her divorce, I was crushed. Years before, she had gone through Marriage 911, reconciled with her husband and been an enthusiastic supporter of others going through our ministry. We hadn’t been in touch for quite a while, and when she informed me of the happenings of the previous year, I was in shock.
She had made so many changes. She was more vibrant. Closer to God. She had literally become a more beautiful woman. She had ministered to others too and helped them walk this difficult journey.
I had not seen this coming, and neither had she. Her husband had seemed supportive, and they had come a long way. His divorcing her was completely unexpected.
For days I drug around, wondering how this could happen, asking God why. I remembered others whose marriages had also not reconciled. People who seemed to be doing all the right things.
One morning as I spent a prolonged time in prayer, God started whispering to my heart with memories, recollections, and encouragement. In my memory I saw Selena when she first came to class and how she was now. She had changed dramatically. She was more vibrant, more beautiful with a light in her eyes and a softness in her face. Her words were uplifting and gracious. She was closer to God and had a vital faith.
As God began to show me this, He began to speak to me in my heart. It’s not all about the marriage, Linda. It’s about the person themselves. And their relationship to me. I want them to come closer to me. And that’s what’s most important.
Awhile later my husband asked me what I was doing. I told him I’d been spending time with God and He was showing me some things.
“What did He show you?” he asked. “I always like hearing what God says to you.”
When I told him, he said, “Well that’s what we say in Marriage 911. You can’t change your spouse. You can only change yourself. It’s about your relationship between you and God.”
“And that’s what people say to me in their emails too,” I said. “Many people, whose marriages weren’t reconciled, email me to say that even though their marriage didn’t get back together and it was one of the hardest times in their life, they wouldn’t trade this experience because they had come so much closer to God.”
So, yes, after spending that time with the Lord, I realized it all comes down to this.
Even though my books and our Marriage 911 ministry have helped to bring about many reconciled marriages, there is no guarantee. Our fallen human natures still impact the results. The sinful choices and desires of a spouse can undermine God’s best plan for us. Likewise, our own past choices may have exhausted the emotional strength and patience of our mate. God gives us free will and does not force His own will upon us.
Sometimes in the searching for answers, we find answers we never expected, answers that explain far more than what initially drove us in our search.
In one of the last stories of my book, Fighting for Your Marriage while Separated, I quote an email sent to me from Theresa, who had gone through Marriage 911 and read Broken Heart on Hold, but whose marriage still ended in a divorce initiated by her husband. In the email she recalls the difficult journey and what she had learned through it. “What if I was not really fighting for my marriage?” she asks. “What if God was actually having me fight for myself—my soul, my heart, my own salvation?” She finishes the email by saying, “The one that has been restored, I assure you, has been ME! I can finally hear Jesus saying to my heart, “See, I am doing a new thing! Now it springs up; do you not perceive it? I am making a way in the wilderness and streams in the wasteland” (Isaiah 43:19).’”
As I continued to meditate on what God was showing me that day, I pictured someone dancing in God’s presence, joyful in the love surrounding them. And I realized, although we want to help reconcile marriages, our ultimate goal is this: to open up each person’s heart to God, themselves, and others so they can shed the shabbiness within their souls and become the beautiful creation God intended them to be.
Hopefully, as they dance into their new persona, their spouses will be able to join them in the dance and the two of them can grow together in the pursuit of holiness God wants them to have. But even if their spouse does not join them, they will not dance alone. Jesus is there to lead them into the joyful discovery of all He holds for them. His love will be ever-present and His dance will lift them to new heights.
This is what scares me. My husband and I have been separated for 3 months and the months leading up to the actual separation where devastatingly painful. He agreed to marital counseling (virtually, because we’re forced to be in separate states) but his heart doesn’t seem in it. He only seems to care in the sessions but outside of that, I don’t matter. I’m longing to work on our marriage together in the same space, on the same page and he just keeps stonewalling me. I read all the books, blogs, podcasts, I pray for my husband and for myself but I’m doing it alone. “Broken Heart on Hold” and my renewed relationship with God are the only things that have been keeping me going. I’m reading “Fighting for your Marriage While Separated” now. I don’t want to give up or feel like I should considering he’s attending counseling but he’s not doing the work and I’m losing my mind in the process. It just feels like a cruel trick and I don’t know what to do.
Nicole, I’m sorry for not responding sooner. I just saw this. I know three months seems like a long time, but in reality it’s not that long–especially considering he is attending counseling with you, even though it’s virtual. For the person who is half in/half out of the marriage, it is not unusual for him to act distant when you are not in the counseling sessions. Just be patient and pray for him. Keep reading my books and let God be your focus. Allow God to show you what He wants to show you. If you use this time constructively–with your mind focused on God, your times together– in counseling and–out will move things in a better direction. God bless you, Nicole.