When you don’t feel loving, you never know what might put the love back in your heart . . . and in your marriage.

I awoke one morning not feeling very loving toward my husband at all. I was still  upset with him because of a conversation we’d had the previous evening.

At dinner, I had asked him to help me get some insurance papers off in the mail, but he seemed to ignore me. When I continued to prod him, he finally responded, but his answer felt rude and dismissive. The rest of the evening I avoided him by staying busy in the kitchen.

Now this morning my husband discovered a problem in his work and needed to resolve it. I could tell he wanted to talk to me about it, but I still felt hurt and annoyed over his attitude the night before.

I took a sip of coffee and looked down at the 1 Corinthians 13 love cup in my hands. My eyes immediately rested on a phrase inscribed on the side, which read, “Love endures all things.”

Humph. I don’t feel very loving . . .

But I knew what God was saying in this scripture and God wasn’t asking me how I felt.

God was just asking me to love. And my coffee cup was telling me that love “endures.”  In other words, love keeps loving even when it’s hard, even when you don’t feel like loving.

So even though the irritation still simmered inside me, I listened to my husband and responded. I was polite.

After we discussed his work situation, I glanced over at my husband and sighed.  “I’m still not very happy with you, you know.”

“I’m sorry,” he said. “I wasn’t feeling well last night and had so much on my mind. I thought you were referring to the medical insurance forms I’d received yesterday. I didn’t understand you were talking about the insurance for our trip.”

Oh my – miscommunication unmasked – a familiar and disturbing marital theme!

But God ripped away its destructive potential that morning with a gentle reminder. Our misunderstanding could have gone on for quite awhile with no resolution—except for my coffee cup reminding me about what it means to love and how you do it.

Which reminded me to pick up the Bible and read 1 Corinthians 13 again and think about whether or not I’m loving my husband God’s way—even when I feel offended.

By following God’s instructions in 1 Corinthians 13 about how to love, even when conflict arises we can work through the confusion that often threatens to divide husband and wife during confrontations and quarrels. When we are patient, we wait to hear what the other person has to say without judging. By being kind and gentle with our words, we show that we care and give the other person confidence that they are being heard. By rejoicing in truth, we work together as a team to find the best answer rather than merely insisting on our own way.

This familiar scripture tells us what to avoid as well for if we are boastful, conceited, or selfish when disagreements arise, we will pull further apart rather than finding resolution. When we get angry or begin bringing up past offenses, we muddy the waters, cause tensions to rise, and thrust what may have begun as a simple misunderstanding into thorny and dangerous new areas of offense.

But by protecting the hearts of one another, hoping to find resolution, trusting each other’s motives, and persevering until we come to an understanding, love can reign and hurts mended.

God can help steer us through many disagreements in the home when we follow the instructions He gives us in His Word, particularly when we don’t feel very loving. And sometimes it may help to start our day with the right kind of coffee cup.

Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud.  It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs.  Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth.  It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres (1 Corinthians 13:4-7 NIV).

If your marriage is struggling and either you or your spouse don’t feel very loving but you don’t want to give up on your marriage, I invite you to check out my new book, Fighting for Your Marriage while Separated. It might transform the way you think about the problems in your marriage.