The Importance of Knowing How to Guard Your Heart

February 2, 2020 by Leave a Comment

When I walk with people through their times of brokenness, we often talk about Proverbs 4:23: “Guard your heart for the heart is the wellspring of life.” No one wants a broken heart, but life can be painful. Relationships can be painful. So how do we guard our hearts when trouble overwhelms us? What does this verse mean?

Sometimes to protect our hearts we bury them in superficial, mind numbing distractions or try to escape into worlds created by our own devices. We may build a crust around them so nothing can attack them or cause more hurt. We may think we are “guarding” our hearts by hardening them against the pain, against others who try to get close, and anything threatening to break open the outer shell of protection. Unfortunately, however, by taking these approaches, we may create a gateway for bitterness to grow, a bitterness that will eat away at our hearts and cause more havoc throughout our lives.

Other forces attack our hearts also—not just the pain of our circumstances. And these can be more subtle. When we go through a rough time in life, we are vulnerable to the noise of our culture—the pressures coming from society’s norms and values –and the opinions of other people. We hear them again and again. More and more, their answers begin to sound plausible and logical; they may seem the only way out. Our minds and hearts become clouded, and the whispers of God are unable to penetrate the noise and confusion of outside pressures. It feels easier to listen to those with the loudest voices and go with the culture around us.

Thankfully, when God cautions us to guard our hearts, He also tells us how to do it. In the verses directly before Proverbs 4:23, Proverbs 4:20-22 instructs us how to guard our hearts. “My son, pay attention to what I say; listen closely to my words. Do not let them out of your sight, keep them within your heart; for they are life to those who find them and health to a man’s whole body.” Equally important, the end of Proverbs 4:23 tells us exactly why to guard our hearts.  “Guard your heart for the heart is the wellspring of life.”

When I picture the heart being the wellspring of life, I picture a spring of living water gushing up inside the heart, allowing God’s love, peace, and grace to overflow, washing through the person’s spirit and overflowing onto those around him. The heart is the way God connects with us. It’s the way He brings life to us.

Guarding your heart means pulling your heart away from the forces that have the potential to cause it harm, and trusting your heart to God. It means guarding your heart from the toxicities of the culture and the environment around you that would poison that beautiful life-giving wellspring of life coming from God. It means listening to God’s words to guard your heart from the arrows of Satan who would cause bitterness to grow and deceive you onto wrong paths. Instead of trusting your heart to the deceptive words and persuasions of those who might mislead or hurt you, scripture instructs you to guard your heart by putting it in the hands of the only One you can completely trust, and that is our loving and faithful Father God.

In Jeremiah, the prophet continually addressed a people who looked to the gods of other cultures, rather than the living God they’d known, to fulfill their needs and give them the pleasures they desired. God told Jeremiah to call out to them with the truth, to instruct them to listen to Him, but their hearts were stubborn, refusing to listen to God. They allowed the toxicity of the cultures around them to infect their hearts so they were no longer able to hear God and the things He wanted to tell them. As a result of their failure to “guard their hearts,” disaster came upon them.

When we “are still and know that He is God,” we can step out of the undercurrent of societal pressure and listen to God’s voice. What does He want us to do? Where does He want to lead us? Can we quiet our hearts long enough to hear? Are we allowing that spring of Living Water to bring His refreshing Spirit to wash through the clamor of confusion and stabs of pain so we can hear what He wants to say to us?

When we allow God’s Living Water to flow through our hearts, our hearts can remain soft and malleable to God’s touch. Sometimes that softening brings tears as we submit to the will of One whose ways are above our own, who takes us on paths that we can’t control or understand.  Our hearts are breaking; we are out of control; we no longer know what’s ahead. But when our hearts break in the stillness of God’s presence, Jesus pours His living water into the gaping holes to wash through the debris and residue from past hurts and disappointments to renew us. When our tears join with His Living Water, our souls can breathe in the life He wants to give us. We can walk the path He sets before us, unafraid of where it will lead because our eyes are on our Savior and Lord, our ears are tuned to His voice, and our hearts are alive with the wellspring of life.

* * *

If you are fighting for your marriage and need to know how to guard your heart in the process, check out my new book, Fighting for Your Marriage while Separated.

Share
Filed Under: comfort, faith, God's Word, Grief, Knowing God, Letting go, loss, Marriage problems, Pain, Peace, Prayer, Surrendering to God, Trusting God, Uncategorized Tagged With: , , , , , , , ,

How God Transformed Our Failing Marriage

November 20, 2019 by Leave a Comment

Guest Post by Jennifer Slattery

Photo by Frank McKenna

Back when my husband proposed to me, I didn’t think about how hard marriage would be. Honestly I didn’t think at all. I was swept up in the romance as this sweet man knelt before me, rose in hand, promising to love me for the rest of his life. Actually I’m not sure he even said that. If my memory is correct, he asked, “Do you want to marry me,” and I said yes. We didn’t talk about commitment, the strain of merging two very diverse lives, or any of the other problems we came to face after.

I was young, naïve, and had no idea the work, humility, and the growth it would require to join two lives. I also didn’t realize how completely ill-equipped and ill-prepared I was. I discovered very quickly through a nearly failed marriage that I couldn’t love my husband well in my own wisdom and strength. Half the time, I didn’t even have the gumption to try. I was too focused on myself, too filled with pride and insecurity, to create the type of relationship I longed for.

Although I tried. I followed plans and read books and cajoled and pestered and begged. And prayed, oh, I did a lot of praying—that God would change my husband. Because, you see, I was convinced our mess was entirely his fault. If only he weren’t so selfish or prideful or distracted, if only he spent more time at home, or talked more. . . .  I had quite a list, one I perpetually reviewed but we never seemed to progress toward resolving.

Eventually, in fact, before my daughter‘s fourth birthday, my husband and I found ourselves sitting in a divorce lawyers office, ready to end it all. Neither one of us wanted to be there, but we hadn’t a clue how to unravel the tangle of hurt and distrust we’d created in our now failing marriage.

That evening, I left frustrated with myself, with the the state of our failing marriage, with the prospect of a shattered family, and angry with God. I knew divorce wasn’t His will. Therefore, I determined He wanted me to remain miserable for the rest of my life.

A few nights later, while my husband worked the graveyard shift and my daughter lay upstairs sleeping, I sat in a dark, silent living room, feeling completely alone. Not just alone, but trapped in my loneliness. “God, I give up,” I said. “I can’t do this anymore.”

Though at the time my words were more flippant than heartfelt, God answered, and He began to turn things around. He helped me connect with some strong Christian women—and disconnect from some perpetually unhappy ones who soured the way I viewed my life. But even more importantly, He drew me closer to Himself and shifted my focus off my husband and my failing marriage and onto Christ and myself.

First, He zeroed my gaze on my Savior. He reminded me of the depth of His love and care, of what He’d endured for me. In this, He helped me understand I was to love my husband, first and foremost, out of love for Him. On particularly tense days, when our arguments seemed to outnumber our smiles, I may not have felt my husband deserved anything from me, but Christ deserved my all, my full surrender.

Second, He showed me all the transformational work He longed to do within me. As I sat there in His presence, my heart laid bear before Him, He spoke tenderly to my soul—words of wisdom and insight, and often, conviction. In the light of His grace, as I began to set all my finger pointing aside, clarity came. I realized, yes, my husband had room to grow, but so did I.

God wanted me to focus on growing into the wife and mother He created me to be, entrusting my husband to Him.

And so I did. Surrendering my hurt, my wisdom, and my husband to my Father wasn’t easy, but it was freeing. And healing. Healing for me and our marriage. The more I released my grip, it seemed, the more of God’s power was unleashed within me.

The power to hold my tongue when angry words fought to come out.

The power to see good when everything around me felt hard.

The power to forgive when seeds of bitterness tried to grow.

The power to trust.

The power to love.

The power to hope.

That was over twenty years ago, and God has done amazing things within each of our hearts. I can honestly say, we’re closer than we’ve ever been. Those arguments that used to occur daily are now rare, and they are much shorter lived. The hurt? Gone. And in its place, love—enduring, inconquerable, love. Not because we said or did the right thing or figured this whole relationship dance out, but rather because we surrendered to the One who had. The One who formed us, who loved us, and fought for us.

Can you identify with Jennifer? If you feel you have a failing marriage, what steps do you feel God wants you to take next?

Jennifer Slattery is a writer and international speaker with a passion for helping women discover, embrace, and live out who they are in Christ. As the founder of Wholly Love Ministries, she and her team partner with churches to facilitate events designed to help women rest in their true worth and live with maximum impact. She maintains a devotional blog found at Jennifer Slattery Lives Out Loud and on Crosswalk. Connect with her on Facebook, Instagram, and Twitter. When not writing, reading, or editing, Jennifer loves going on mall dates with her adult daughter and coffee dates with her hilariously fun husband. Contact her HERE to book her for your next women’s event.

Hometown Healing:by Jennifer Slattery  – She’s home again, but not for long…
Unless this cowboy recaptures her heart

 

If you have a failing marriage, find hope and help in my new book, Fighting for Your Marriage while Separated, A Practical Guide for the Brokenhearted. by Linda W. Rooks.

Share
Filed Under: disappointment, Expectations, Letting go, Love, marriage, Marriage problems, New Directions, Reconciliation, Surrendering to God, Uncategorized Tagged With: , , , , , , , ,

A Sacred Flow of Tears

September 10, 2019 by Leave a Comment

. . . When Our Tears Touch the Heart of God . . .

Photo by Claudia

I heard her voice cracking as she described the situation in her marriage to me over the phone. She paused briefly, cleared her throat, and resumed her story. I could tell she was trying to hold back her emotions. At the end of our conversation, I asked if I could pray with her. She agreed. As my prayer ended, she could no longer hold back the tears and began to sob uncontrollably. “I’m sorry,” she said.

“It’s okay,” I said.  “I understand.”

And, oh yes, I did! Not only did I understand, but I knew her flow of tears was sacred in the eyes of God. Her heart was breaking in His presence so He could enter in and bring her healing.

When our lives are rocked with troubles of catastrophic proportions, many of us try not to cry, try to be strong, try to hold back the tears. But when the burning pain within us gets to the breaking point and  tears begin to flow, that’s when the real freedom can start to take hold.

For I believe it’s at those moments when God’s heart is able to reach down to ours to encompass us in His love. God welcomes our tears. In fact, He cherishes them. In Psalm 56:8 David even says God puts our tears in His bottle. “You put my tears into your bottle. Are they not in your book?” David asks.

Why are tears precious to God? Why does the Bible picture God as keeping our tears in a bottle and making note of them in His book?

A Broken Heart

Weeping is often an outward sign of what is happening inwardly. When we cry, our heart is in the midst of breaking. It’s softening. Our control of the situation is at an end. The problem is bigger than we are. Our emotions are telling us we no longer have answers.

When we allow the tears to flow, the pain ripping at our hearts opens them up to a brokenness that can then be healed by the mighty hand of God – if we will let him. Psalm 34 says, “The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit.” Tears are sacred. They are the God-given gift to us that allows Him to prepare the soil of our hearts for His healing so we can receive more of Him and more of the gifts He wants to give us.

When we are walking through the valley, trying to hold on to hope, but knowing hope is only possible by giving our situation to God, many of us struggle to let go. Letting go does not come naturally. We want to hold on and figure things out for ourselves. When we finally do, for some of us letting go and surrendering our circumstances to God may be accompanied by tears as we finally give up trying to be in charge. When our hearts break in His presence, He will sit with us in our grief. He will comfort our hearts and put them back together so they can reflect the mystery of His perfect calling for our life.

Those Who Wept in the Bible

Time and again we read about characters of the Old and New Testaments shedding tears as they prayed and wept before God in anguish over their circumstances. They were not hot angry tears, but surrendering, heartbreaking tears. And when their hearts were surrendered to the Lord, God heard and answered their prayers.

  • The faithful King Hezekiah was given 15 more years to live (Isaiah 38:1-5).
  • Nehemiah was able to go and rebuild the wall of Jerusalem (Nehemiah 1:4 – 2:6).
  • David was protected from his enemies over and over again and went on to become the most celebrated king of Israel (Psalm 6:6-10, 39:12).
  • A sinful woman was forgiven of her many sins while she wept in repentance and washed Jesus’ feet with her tears (Luke 7:44-47).
  • Paul’s anguish and heartfelt tears resulted in God’s leading him with sensitivity in his writing of his letter to the Corinthians so the people could see his love rather than be grieved by his words of correction (2 Cor. 2:4)

Songs of Joy

God heals the brokenhearted. When our tears bring us into communion with God in prayer and we allow Him to come deeper into our hearts, He can transform that pain into something new. Our hearts become fresh clay that He can mold into a more compassionate, caring, and sensitive vessel He can fill with his love and purpose.

And perhaps that’s why the Bible also says, “Those who sow with tears will reap with songs of joy. Those who go out weeping, carrying seed to sow, will return with songs of joy, carrying sheaves with them (Psalm 126:5-6).

I love this image for in it I see a picture of ourselves when we are the brokenhearted. When we come to God, tears flowing and our hearts humbled and surrendered into God’s holy hands, our tears can water the softening soil of our hearts to produce blessings that only His love within us can produce. And with His blessings of love come the songs of joy.

Don’t be afraid of tears. When your heart is breaking, let the tears wash the pain from your heart so your heart is ready to experience God’s healing balm and the fullness of His amazing love.

“My sacrifice, O God, is a broken spirit; a broken and contrite heart you, God, will not despise” (Psalm 51:17).

Think about this. If God’s love is using your tears to water the soil of your heart, what blessings might result from this?  What are the “sheaves” you will carry later on as you sing your songs of joy? I’d love to see your comments.

If you want to fight for your marriage, let me walk with you through the pages of my book, Fighting for Your Marriage while Separated. There you will find practical help that can guide you toward reconciliation even if you’re fighting for your marriage alone.

 

 

Share
Filed Under: comfort, Grief, Jesus, joy, Letting go, Pain, Peace, Surrendering to God, Trying to understand, Uncategorized Tagged With: , , , , , ,

When God Says “No”

May 15, 2019 by 15 Comments

When our world is rocked with crisis and we cry out to God, what do we do when the answer we seem to get from Him is not what we want to hear?  How do we respond when God says “no?”

Award winning author and speaker Janet McHenry has an answer for us, and I asked her to share with us her answers to this question. For in her new book, The Complete Guide to the Prayers of Jesus: What Jesus Prayed and How It Will Change Your Life Today, she tells us how the very prayers that Jesus prayed can teach us how to respond when we hear that disappointing “no.”

So I’m going to turn “Heart Talk” over to Janet today. If you leave a comment for Janet, I will enter your name in a drawing for her new book, The Complete Guide to the Prayers of Jesus, published by Bethany House.

When God Says “No”

by Janet McHenry

One of the toughest things to handle as a Christian is how to respond when God says “No.”

We know that every prayer for healing is not answered.

Every prayer to be saved from bankruptcy is not answered.

Every prayer to save a marriage is not answered.

So . . . what are we to believe about prayer in those contexts? And what are we to believe about God?

After all, didn’t God say in Jeremiah 33:3, “Call to me and I will answer you”?

In Psalm 37:4 God says, “Delight yourself in the Lord and he will give you the desires of your heart.”

And Jesus said, “I tell you the truth, my Father will give you whatever you ask in my name. Until now you have not asked for anything in my name. Ask and you will receive, and your joy will be complete” (John 16:23-24).

Yes, God answers all prayers in some way. Pastor and author Rick Warren has said, “God answers every single prayer. Now, he doesn’t answer them the way you’d like it every time, but it’s an answer. ‘No” is an answer. ‘Wait” is an answer. ‘Grow up’ is an answer. ‘In a little while’ is an answer. ‘In my way’ is an answer. God never leaves a prayer unanswered.”

So, okay, technically the answer was “no” . . . there was an answer, but how do we reconcile that no answer with the earlier scripture promises about fulfilling our heart’s desires and such? And then how do we as Christians respond?

Because I always turn to Jesus as my prayer mentor, I searched how he responded when the Father said “no” to him.

Jesus prayed what I called the two-sided coin prayer in one of my books many years ago: “Abba, Father, everything is possible for you. Take this cup from me. Yet not what I will, but what you will.”

On the one side of the coin: “Take this cup from me.”

On the other side of the coin: “Yet not what I will, but what you will.”

So, Jesus laid out his heart’s desire . . . and his Abba, his Father, said “no” . . . and Jesus headed to the Cross.

The next three of Jesus’s prayers, I believe, spell out how we can respond as Christians when we don’t see our prayers answered the way we’d like. These are the last three of Jesus’s ten prayers that we have—and all of them he said as he was hanging on the Cross.

Forgive 

The first of those three prayers is “Father, forgive them, for they do not know what they are doing” (Luke 23:34). So the first thing we can do is forgive.

Jesus was forgiving the soldiers who had nailed him to the Cross, but perhaps he also was forgiving Pontius Pilate and the Jewish officials and even Peter, who had denied him, and the rest of the disciples, who had vanished.

Years ago my rancher husband had seven cattle that died in a two-day blizzard. Six calves and an old bull had bedded down in a dry creek bed and gotten covered over. Despite those conditions, Craig was convicted of six felony animal abuse charges four years later. Because the judge refused to allow our key witness to testify—a UC Davis vet professor, the chief expert in the West on cattle—and refused to have a lot of important evidence admitted, we won a reversal in the California Court of Appeals, but we had a lot of forgiving to do. That case took six years out of our lives, as well as a lot of financial resources. But forgiveness isn’t about what we deserve; it’s kingdom work, and it’s what Jesus did, so we do it in obedience.

Lament 

The second thing we can do when God says “no” is lament. Lament means to cry out mournfully. And Jesus’s second prayer continues to give us insight about how to respond: “My God, my God, why have you forsaken me?” (Matt. 27:45-46).

Yes, go ahead and cry it out. God can take it. Not complain. But cry out in your pain.

This prayer above all others addresses the biggest, most-often asked question mankind has about God. WHY? Why does God allow suffering? Why must we fall into the hellholes of life? If God loves us so much, wouldn’t such a loving Father steer us around the intersections of pain? Couldn’t there be a better way?

Jesus used the word “forsaken.” He was deserted, dumped, abandoned . . . at least he humanly felt that way. But his being abandoned led to our being adopted. Just as an abandoned baby left at a church or a firehouse might be adopted by a young couple that had been praying for years, Jesus’ abandonment, led to our adoption.

It’s true that we might not always see the purpose in our suffering. We may never. Yes, life isn’t fair. And sometimes the WHY? question gets stuck in our hearts. It hurts. But we can control how we respond.  We can use our pain for others’ good, if we stop, look around, see others who are suffering in similar ways, and reach out to them to encourage and support them. We do not have to stay in that place of feeling forsaken. We can take practical steps to use our hurt to help others.

Submit  

In Jesus’s third prayer from the cross, we learn to submit. Scripture tells us “It was now about the sixth hour, and darkness came over the whole land until the ninth hour, for the sun stopped shining. And the curtain of the temple was torn in two. Jesus called out with a loud voice, ‘Father, into your hands I commit my spirit.’ And when he said this, he breathed his last” (Luke 23:44-46.

“Into your hands.” Wow, that could seem like a scary prayer, except that when we commit or submit ourselves to our heavenly Father fully, we are giving ourselves to the God who redeemed us, the One who adopted us, the one who loves us.

I know such relinquishment, because I saw this through my dad. Six months after he began noticing that he was having a hard time gripping a golf club anymore, he was diagnosed with amyotrophic lateral sclerosis—ALS—which destroys the nerve endings to the muscles until eventually the person cannot move, cannot breathe, cannot count on a heartbeat.

Although the doctors said he would have two to four years, he died five months after diagnosis. However, he not only showed other people how to live with faith; he showed others how to die with faith.

My dad had a quick wit, always turning a phrase and telling jokes. Even in his last hours he was still joking with those around him. The day before he passed away, he was still able to push the call button, so he called for the nurse, who came in and said, “Did you call me, Bob?”

He smiled and said, “Why would I call you Bob? Your name is Mary.”

You see, people, the world doesn’t need to see Christians living out their faith in prosperity and posting all the happy stuff on Facebook. They need to see us facing struggles with dignity, with faith, and with integrity. They need to see us thanking God despite our pain and struggles. They need to see us real and vulnerable, yes . . . but in a looking-up posture that shows that FAITH WORKS: that God is real in our lives, that he is worthy of our trust, and that it is our faith alone that sustains us in the Dark Night of the Soul.

Jesus’ prayers teach us how to respond when God says “no”: forgive, lament, and submit. But they show us something even more important: the ONE THING we need to remember about prayer. God himself is the bigger reason for prayer. He wants us to bring our needs before him. He wants us to offer praise and thanksgiving and confession, but even more than that, HE himself is the bigger reason for prayer. He wants us to develop our relationship with him, to be a bigger part of our daily, moment-by-moment life, drawing closer to him and learning more about his good character.

Prayer is not about finding pockets of time to say a few remote-controlled phrases. Prayer is about relationship—becoming closer to the One who created you and loves you, so that when God says “no,” you simply nod your head and know he still loves you, he is still in control, and he will walk you through the valley you’re in.

If you’d like a chance to receive a free copy of The Complete Guide to the Prayers of Jesus: What Jesus Prayed and How It will Change Your Life Today, please leave a comment below.

* * *

Janet McHenry is an award-winning speaker and the author of 24 books, including the best-selling PrayerWalk and her newest, The Complete Guide to the Prayers of Jesus: What Jesus Prayed and How It Will Change Your Life Today. You can see more about Janet, her speaking ministry, and her books at www.janetmchenry.com.

 

 

 

Share
Filed Under: BOOKS, disappointment, Doubt, faith, Knowing God, Letting go, Prayer, Surrendering to God, Trusting God, Trying to understand, unanswered prayers, Uncategorized Tagged With: , , , ,

Can Separated Couples Reconcile? Bringing about Reconciliation after Separation

March 13, 2019 by 4 Comments

This is Part 3 of a 4 part series on separation. You can read Part 1, and 2 on Heart Talk.

The question that hangs in the air after a separation occurs is, “Can separated couples reconcile? Is it really possible? Are there success stories of couples who have done this? And how is bringing about a reconciliation possible when only one person wants this outcome?”

For the person who wants the marriage to be restored after separation, these are heartrending questions, often blighted by feelings of hopelessness and despair. But contrary to what many believe, there IS hope for the marriage to be reconciled. Surprisingly, if you are that spouse who wants to see your marriage restored, you can begin the process of turning your marriage around even with a partner who has no interest in reconciling.

In parts one and two of this series, we talked about the importance of giving space, creating safety, giving it time, taking responsibility, and speaking positive words. This is how to begin the process and set the stage if reconciliation is to occur.

The idea, however, of one person in the marriage being able to turn the marriage around by themselves after separation may seem an impossibility. How can separated couples reconcile when only one person in the marriage wants that to happen?

While your first inclination may be to focus on how your spouse needs to change and how to resolve issues, the more valuable focus should be on how to build up your spouse through your prayers, words, and actions.  Ephesians 4:29 asks us to “build others up according to their needs.” Pray for God to help you take a compassionate look at your spouse to better understand his or her needs. Step back and look at the dynamics that have typically taken place in your marriage. Is there an imbalance in the way decisions are made? Are your partner’s concerns being heard in marital discussions? What is your spouse’s fears, hopes, and dreams?  Do you understand what your spouse needs emotionally to feel loved? What is important to her? What is he proud of? What makes your spouse feel discouraged or hopeful?

Answering these questions may give you a better understanding of your spouse’s needs so you know how to approach your spouse, alter your behavior, and speak words of encouragement when you are together. Instead of talking about issues at this point, when you have contact, create an atmosphere of safety between you.

Pray

In humility, pray for God to show you your part in the marital impasse. Ask others for their honest input on changes they think you should make—not to become what your spouse wants you to be, but to become the best YOU God created you to be. Find some good Christian books to help you with this too. At the same time, guard your heart. Give your heart into God’s care where He can keep it safe while God brings healing to both your hearts. Proverbs 4:23 wisely tells us to, “Guard your heart for the heart is the wellspring of life.” By giving this time to God, He can strengthen your heart and open your eyes to any changes He wants to make in you. With the strength God gives you, it will be easier to respond more positively to your spouse so you can begin interacting in a safe environment.

Pray also for your spouse—not just that he or she will want to return to you, but that they will know more of God’s grace and have a meaningful encounter with Jesus. When they can heal emotionally and fully understand the love and fulfillment God can bring to their lives, they will then have more love to give to you. Someone who is empty has little to give to another. 1 John 4:7-8 says, “God is love.”  “Beloved, let us love one another, for love is of God; and everyone who loves is born of God and knows God. He who does not love does not know God, for God is love.”

Identify Negative Dynamics in Your Marriage

Try to identify out-of-balance dynamics and negative reactionary circles that have kept your marriage off balance and discover ways to correct them. If you do this, you can start redirecting negative exchanges into positives whenever you have contact with your mate.

One of the surprising realities of relational transformation can be seen when one person decides to respond differently to their spouse during a time of conflict instead of reacting in the usual way that tends to advance a continued cycle of negativity and conflict. When one person disrupts the typical pattern of conflict by responding differently, the reaction of the other person must change also. The circular dynamics of conflict are altered and the relational exchange spins out in a new direction. In this way, one person can turn the relationship in a new direction by finding more effective ways to communicate. Here are a few possibilities:

  • Listen to your spouse without interrupting even if you disagree with what they are saying.
  • Be aware of your own negative body language or tone of voice.
  • Accept and validate your spouse’s feelings and experience without judging.
  • Respond with positive words of encouragement and reassurance.
  • Be willing to take a time out instead of pressing your point.

Let Go of Your Expectations

Finally and most importantly, surrender your marriage to God. Let go of it.  Put it in His hands. This is the hardest part of the process, but the most necessary.  God has answers for you and your mate that you don’t have. He sees the big picture. He knows what each of you needs for your marriage to be restored. With your heart safely in God’s protection, you can experience a new peace. When you let go and surrender it all to God, He can put together all the missing pieces. Then, when positive interactions and safe environments begin to take place between the two of you, you may slowly begin to experience enjoyable times together.

If and when you come to a point when you both want to reconcile, proceed carefully and resist the temptation to move back in together too soon. Listen to one another, encourage one another, and take your spouse’s concerns seriously. Meet with a counselor or attend a peer program like Retrouvaille or Marriage 911 to acquire the necessary tools to successfully mesh your lives back together again. As evangelist Jimmy Sowder used to say, “Always remember: we cannot rush God in His timing, but we sure can delay it.”

Can Separated Couples Reconcile?

Can separated couples reconcile? Has it been done before? Can I give examples?

Absolutely, yes. My husband and I are just one example of a couple with a resurrected marriage who reconciled after three years of separation. And now in the marriage ministry we have lead for the past twelve years, we have seen many other marriages reconcile as well. You can read several of their stories in my new book, Fighting for Your Marriage while Separated, others on my Heart Talk blog, and you can find more of my own story in my first book, Broken Heart on Hold.

So can separated couples reconcile? Yes, they can. Saving a marriage after separation may take a while as you dig beneath the chaos so reconciliation can take place. But if you are growing as a person and in your understanding of God’s great love for you, and if you are allowing God to guard your heart, the waiting may bring unexpected blessings.

Next week: Fighting For Your Marriage While Separated – pulling it all together.

If you want to save your marriage, Fighting for Your Marriage while Separated by Linda W. Rooks  will give you the practical help you need to guide you through the complexities and confusion of a separation. Reconciliation is possible–even if you’re fighting for your marriage alone.

 

 

 

 

Share
Filed Under: Divorce, Letting go, Marital separation, Marriage problems, Reconciliation, Trusting God Tagged With: , , , , ,

It Only Takes ONE to Begin the Reconciliation of a Marriage

June 3, 2016 by 38 Comments

hopeMy friend looked visibly shaken as she crossed the floor of the restaurant to join me at the table. When I asked how her family was doing, she burst into tears.

“Melanie and Ron are getting a divorce,” she said.

As she continued telling me the story of her daughter’s marital collapse, I could hear the pain in her words. My heart grieved for her. I knew this subject all too well.

“You know these are the kinds of situations I deal with all the time,” I said. “Even though Ron wants a divorce, the situation is not hopeless.  If Melanie focuses on God and allows God to show her the changes He wants your daughter to make, things can possibly turn around.  I’ve seen it happen many, many times.

“But both people have to want it,” she said.

“No, they don’t!” I shook my head to emphasize my point. “One person, who doesn’t want the marriage to end, can begin the process of turning a marriage around.”

“But he’s already initiating a divorce.”

And then I told her about the many people who had come to our Marriage 911 classes with divorce papers in hand, couples who had not only reconciled their marriages, but were now thriving as husband and wife.  Families had been restored with children who had witnessed firsthand the power of God.

“I don’t know what to do,” she said. “I don’t want to interfere.”

“How does your daughter feel?” I asked. “Does she want the marriage?”

“Yes. She’s upset, but she’s trying not to show it, and I know she has issues, but what can I do? I don’t want to interfere.”

“Just give her hope,” I said, “Listen to her. Let her talk, but let her know other people have reconciled their marriages even when divorce looked imminent. Encourage her to ask God to show her the things she can do to become the person God wants her to be. This is not just about her marriage, but about her, about her relationship with God.”

It Takes Two – Or Does It?

One of the most common fallacies I hear from people when talking about a “failed” marriage is that “it takes two to want to work on the marriage.”

While that is eventually true before a marriage is actually healed and restored, it only takes one person in the marriage to start the healing process.

One person who is committed to the marriage can actually turn a broken marriage around when he or she gives God their full attention. When their mind is focused on God instead of the spouse, God can open their eyes to their part in the marital breakdown and ways He wants them to change. As the first spouse starts to change, the dynamic of the relationship begins to change. The response of the resistant spouse often begins to adjust to the new behavior they are experiencing from the committed spouse, and the circular patterns of responses begin to shift in new directions.

When the committed spouse gives the changes a chance to marinate over time, reconciliation can eventually take place.

A True Story

When Marta first came to our Marriage 911 class, her heart was broken. Her husband had moved out and wanted nothing to do with reconciliation. Although they went to counseling, he repeatedly said he didn’t see them ever getting back together—ever!  But Marta clung to hope as she started going to church and began to feel the presence of God in her life. She began providing spiritual leadership to their children and felt more at peace. She sought God with all her heart and began to look at herself to see the changes God wanted her to make.

But even as Marta was making changes in herself, her husband continued to dash her hopes on a regular basis by telling her it was time to file for divorce. Still, Marta pressed on with God and asked God for guidance whenever she engaged in conversation with her husband. As a result, Marta stopped pushing and began to show her husband a new respect. When they had arguments, she realized that pressing her point until she could prove she was right wasn’t productive.  Instead, she stepped back and put things in God’s hands.

Eventually, her husband saw the changes in her and began initiating times for them to get together when they could talk and do things together they both enjoyed. However, he still had no interest in reconciling. That was not going to happen.

Finally, two years after they first separated, Marta came to a point where she knew she had to really let go and surrender it all to God. If he wanted to end the marriage, she couldn’t stop him. “God if this is what you want,” she prayed, “then give me the strength.”

As her husband saw Marta truly let go and prepare to move on, his eyes were opened, his heart was moved, and he told her he wanted to reconcile.  They got back together, and today their love is deeper and stronger than before. In her words, “As much as I wouldn’t want to go through this again, I know we are a lot stronger. Our marriage is better than even when we first got married.”

First Things First

Matthew 6 gives a beautiful picture of God’s love for his creation and his care for us. In this passage, Jesus demonstrates to us that God’s sufficiency far exceeds our adversity.  “Now if God so clothes the grass of the field, which today is, and tomorrow is thrown into the oven, will He not much more clothe you, O you of little faith?” (Matthew 6:30)

God is aware of our needs. He wants to give us all good things and He will. But in verse 33, Jesus tells us how to find God’s blessings for ourselves. He says that first we need to go to the source, to seek the one who holds all things together in His hands, the One Who is our Provider.  “Seek first the kingdom of God and His righteousness and all these things shall be added unto you.” [emphasis added] Jesus asks that we seek Him first, to search for Him with all our hearts to discover Him and the wonder of Who He is, and then He will freely provide.  (Matt. 6:33)

Above everything, God seeks to draw us to Himself, to take us deeper into relationship with Him.  Sometimes a broken marriage is one of the few things that will get our attention and drive us to truly seek Him so He can make us into the special child of God He wants us to be.

So if you are reeling in the belief that your marriage—or that of a loved one—is doomed for divorce, stop and change your focus. The person wanting a divorce doesn’t hold all the answers. The Lord of Heaven does. And it only takes one to begin the process of change.

1 Peter 5:6-7 says, “Therefore humble yourselves under the mighty hand of God, that He may exalt you at the proper time, casting all your anxiety on Him, because He cares for you.”

“You will seek Me and find Me, when you search for Me with all your heart.” Jeremiah 29:13

 

If you want to reconcile a broken marriage, let me walk with you through the pages of my new book, Fighting for Your Marriage while Separated to help you find hope. There you will find practical help that can guide you through the complexities so you can see how reconciliation is possible for you– even if you’re fighting for your marriage alone.

Listen to Marv and Linda’s story about their own three-year separation in a three-part series on Family Life Today as they both share from the heart about their separation and reconciliation.

Share
Filed Under: Conflict, Divorce, faith, Hope, Knowing God, Letting go, Marital separation, Reconciliation, Surrendering to God Tagged With: , , , , , ,

Ring of Power and Letting Go

February 19, 2014 by 18 Comments

SONY DSCRecently I sat at a table having dessert with four women who are presently in different stages of transition after marital crisis, some in recovery, others experiencing continued uncertainty and/or upheaval. One of the women whose marriage had made tremendous progress toward healing, began talking about the importance of “letting go,” a subject I also talk about frequently.

The young woman beside me knit her brow with a perplexed expression and frowned. “I get right to the point of being able to let go,” she said, pinching her fingers together as though about to drop something, “and then . . . I just can’t do it.”

The woman next to her nodded. “That’s right. Me too. That’s how I am.”

An Image from The Lord of the Rings

My husband Marv and I had recently watched all three DVD’s of The Lord of the Rings movie, and as my friend spoke, my mind immediately conjured up the image of Frodo standing on the cliff at the end of the movie.  He holds his hand over the edge of the precipice with the ring dangling at the end of the chain. Beneath, is the raging fire which has been his destination all through the movie. It is the one place where he can release the ring, see it destroyed, and with it destroy the evil that is taking over Middle Earth. All he has to do is release the ring, and freedom can reign once again.

“That reminds me of the ending of The Lord of the Rings,” I said.  “All through the movie Frodo has been besieged by the evil that the ring has brought to Middle Earth. He has witnessed again and again the destructive power of the ring and how it corrupts those who lust over it.  He’s seen the damage, the death, the devastation that it causes.  And with amazing strength of character, he has persevered through all of that. He’s survived the struggle, the hardship, the temptation.  He’s been willing to traverse the darkest lands and oppressive terrains and he’s endured the threats of horrendous creatures in order to get to the mountain where he can destroy the evil.  But when he gets to the very end, when he’s finally there, he stands at the edge of the cliff, dangling the ring at the end of the chain. He stares at it, but can’t let go.

Sam yells to him, “Let it GO! Just let GO!”

But he can’t.

The seductive power of the ring has taken hold.”

The Trouble with Surrendering

As we continued to talk that evening, I shared with my friends how The Lord of the Rings presents a perfect visual image of the struggle we have with surrendering everything to God.

Like Frodo, we don’t want to lose control. The ring of power holds us captive. Even though it means the sinful nature will reign instead of God’s will, we can’t put it all in God’s hands. The desire to be in control holds sway over us—especially when we’re afraid that if we let go, God might not do what we want Him to do.

How many times have I seen or heard from a woman or man whose greatest desire is to reunite with their spouse? They’ve gone through the anguish, they’ve suffered hardship to get things to change. But they are unable to surrender to God to let Him take care of it. We want to do it by ourselves, even though our own methods have already failed. We somehow think if we think about it enough, talk about it enough, remind our spouse enough times, things will somehow change. We’re locked in a pattern where we keep repeating the same actions. We’re traveling in circles, or worse, we’re pushing our spouse further away.  We’re afraid if we put it n God’s hands, He’ll do something we won’t like. The fear of losing control, the desire to do it our own way keeps us in bondage. We can’t let go.

But God, who created us, who created our world, who is omnipotent and sees everything . . . understands what is happening; He has answers we don’t have. He knows our spouse inside and out, just like he also knows us.  He can “work all things together for good to those who love Him and are called according to His purpose*” if we can surrender it all to Him and let go of having to control it ourselves.

First, however, we have to summon the inner strength to follow through so we can let go and trust Him. He is the Good that will banish evil. He is the Light that will shine in the darkness. He is the Word of God who will enlighten our understanding and point us in the right direction.

So as we stand on that precipice, holding that ring of power, we have to have the will, the faith, the strength to let it go.

Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make your paths straight.”  Proverbs 3: 5-6

Seek first the kingdom of God and his righteousness and all these things will be added unto you. Mathew 6:33

*(Rom. 8:28)

Share
Filed Under: Doubt, Fear, How to win, Letting go, Marital separation, Marriage problems, Surrendering to God, Trusting God, unanswered prayers, Uncategorized Tagged With: , , , , , , , , ,
« Previous Page
Return to top of page · Copyright © 2024 Linda Rooks All Rights Reserved · Return to Linda Rooks