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When New Life Appears

May 8, 2019 by Linda Rooks 5 Comments

This is what the Sovereign Lord says to these bones: I will make breath enter you, and you will come to life. Then you will know that I am the Lord. Ezekiel 37:5, 6b

When the city arborist stopped by to tell us they had received a grant to plant new trees in our neighborhood, we were delighted. We would receive two Shumard oaks, hearty ones that would grow tall and had a long life span, unlike our pretty laurel oaks that suffered so much in recent hurricanes.

The city planted the oaks, and someone came by regularly to pour water into the irrigation sacks around their trunks. However, a few weeks later the leaves on one of them started turning brown. Before long all the foliage on the tree appeared dead.

One evening when we went out for a walk, Marv said, “I wonder if they’ll take that tree out and bring us a new one,”

“Maybe we should call the city and let them know it’s dead,” I said. “It apparently never got a strong start.”

Each day we speculated about its prospects but didn’t make any calls, and the tree remained.

One morning Marv announced that a city truck came by and the driver again watered our new tree. We shook our heads and wondered why they were still watering a tree that was clearly dead. A few days later, however, when we stepped outside, we noticed a few green leaves at its base. The city continued watering it, and each evening as we went out to take our walk, we were astonished to see new life appear as green leaves continued to spread from the bottom to the top. In a few weeks, the entire tree was green once more. Our new Shumard oak was alive and growing.

“It’s amazing how that tree has come back to life,” Marv said. “You should use it in one of your stories. It would be a good analogy for marriages.”

When New Life Appears in a Marriage

It was, in fact, a good analogy for what had happened in our own marriage. For although at one time our marriage seemed dead, we gradually saw new life appear.

I remembered an afternoon thirteen years earlier at the beginning of what was to become our painful three-year separation. At this point, Marv and I hadn’t seen each other for two months, and the Christian couple he was staying with urged him to come talk to me. When I saw him at the door, I hoped it would be the beginning of reconciliation, but his downcast face quickly told me otherwise.

He slumped in the burgundy club chair he always sat in when we had our “talks.” I sat on the couch.

“I can’t tell you anything you want to hear,” he said dolefully.

My heart withered. I knew that meant he couldn’t say he loved me. I knew that meant he couldn’t say he wanted to reconcile our marriage. But, being a gentleman, he didn’t want to say the words. He didn’t want to hurt me more than he already had.

But I knew. The absence of words told me the ones left unsaid.

I plied him with questions, but he remained expressionless, and his answer stayed the same. When he left, I ran upstairs and collapsed on the bed, sobbing. I could see he felt our marriage was dead.

But like the Shumard oak, even though our marriage appeared to be dead, unbeknownst to either of us, a flicker of life still lingered.

As the months unfolded, each of us began allowing God to convict us of what we individually needed to do to change the dynamics between us. It took time, patience, and grace. But when we gave God the freedom to make us the new persons He wanted us to be, we began to see new life appear in our relationship. Our love returned, and we eventually reconciled.

A New Foundation of Love

Some time after we got back together, a sweet moment signaled that a new foundation of love had finally been rebuilt between us. I had removed the biscuits from the oven, placed the cookie sheet on the stove top, and begun placing the plump rolls onto the serving dish. The rich aroma of pot roast filled the kitchen. Feeling movement behind me, I turned.

Marv’s eyes sparkled as he looked at me. He leaned down and kissed me. “I love you,” he said warmly.

I wrapped my arms around his neck, and he held me tight. “I’m glad to be spending my life with you,” he said.

My heart danced as I gazed happily into his eyes. “Me too.”

Although the words “I love you” were common between us now, the spontaneous gesture gave them special meaning. No longer did the debris of brokenness dull the luster of our renewed relationship. The past hurts had scattered. The empty hole had filled. Our love was truly reborn. Twenty years and five grandchildren after that heart-wrenching day in our living room, life is as good as I could ever have hoped.

Marv tells the men in our marriage classes every week, “Feelings change. Don’t make your decisions based on feelings because they’re unreliable and they change.”

We are living examples. Marriages that appear to be dead can indeed be reborn. Many times people come to us saying the love in their marriage has died. However, when God is given the freedom to work in each of their lives, He can open their hearts to one another so green leaves of new life can begin to sprout.

When new life appears in a marriage it is a testimony to the promise of new life God gives to us both through nature and His Word. His power to bring life from death rocked the world 2,000 years ago and continues to rock the world today.

Share your heart. How can God make things new in your life?

Fighting for Your Marriage while Separated available on Amazon and other online retailers

Listen to Marv and Linda’s story in a three-part series on Family Life Today as they both share from the heart about their separation and restoration.

Filed Under: Divorce, Doubt, Hope, Marital separation, marriage, Marriage problems, New Directions, Reconciliation, Surrendering to God, Trusting God, Uncategorized Tagged With: books for marriage, divorce, fear, Feeling lost, hope, Lonliness, marital reconciliation, marital separation, Marriage, marriage in crisis, New Directions, unanswered prayer

Fighting for Your Marriage While Separated

March 20, 2019 by Linda Rooks 1 Comment

MY NEW BOOK, FIGHTING FOR YOUR MARRIAGE WHILE SEPARATED, A Practical Guide for the Brokenhearted, released this week and is now available on Amazon. My own story of separation and reconciliation, along with the powerful stories of others who’ve walked this road, have prepared me to bring you this battle plan for reconciliation—stories which were born in pain, but now offer new life to struggling marriages.

What Turned Things Around?

But a curious thing happened to me the other morning.

Whenever I’m interviewed on radio or TV one of the inevitable questions I’m asked is what happened to turn things around during my three-year separation from my husband so we were able to reconcile our marriage. That has always been a difficult question for me to answer because there wasn’t just one thing that made the difference. There were many.

But a few mornings ago as I was praying about an interview I had later that day, I suddenly realized I did have the answer! It was right in front of my eyes when I opened the first pages of my new book! It was there in my chapter titles. Each chapter was an expansion of one of the things that had contributed to my own reconciliation story. Without realizing it, as I tried to show others how they could fight for their marriages and win, I had laid out the steps that lead to my own marriage reconciliation.

Through the years I’ve received many emails from readers of Broken Heart on Hold, asking me questions about their own marital challenges as they struggled to find reconciliation for their marriages. After finding hope, strength and encouragement for their marriages in the words of Broken Heart on Hold, they wanted to know how to take the next step. Fighting for Your Marriage while Separated provides the answers to these questions.

Fighting for Your Marriage while Separated, begins where Broken Heart on Hold left off, continuing to guide you through the labyrinths of separation, this time with practical answers to your questions and true life stories to give you hope.

Today I’m giving you a peek into the chapters so you can get a glimpse of some of the things you can put into your arsenal so you can fight for your marriage and win even if you’re separated and fighting for your marriage alone. Each chapter of Fighting for Your Marriage while Separated provides one more link to the winning strategy that brought not only my marriage back together, but many other marriages as well.

Fighting for Your Marriage while Separated

Reacting to Your New Situation – When a spouse first leaves, the one left behind is devastated and often caught off guard. He or she is tempted to react in reckless ways that may actually push his or her mate further away. The first chapter shows the reader how to take steps to turn rash reactions into constructive responses.

Sizing up Your Relationship Dynamics – Looking at the assertive versus passive natures of each spouse in their marriage relationship can provide a surprising glimpse into what brought them to the point of brokenness. This chapter shows the reader how to unravel these complex dynamics and begin moving in a positive direction toward healing.

Exchanging Negative Communication Patterns for Positive Ones – Our negative responses to one another form reactionary circles that take us around and around in a repetitious pattern of interaction that produces the same frustration and hurts again and again. But either spouse can interrupt this sequence of interactions and change the dynamics of the relationship. This chapter shows you how that can be done.

Finding Power in Positive Words –The road to restoring a marriage is paved with responses that will most likely seem unnatural in the midst of anger and deep pain. Taking a positive approach, instead of following negative instincts, can turn a marriage around. How do you actually do this?

Drawing on Outside Help – Those who are separated need support from others to work through the pain and find healthy answers. Knowing where to turn for help and how to recognize the difference between helpful vs. unhelpful support makes a difference. Even when choosing a counselor, it’s important to understand the difference between individual counselors and marriage counselors. Not all counselors are trained in marriage counseling, and an untrained counselor who tries to work with couples can do more harm than good. Marriage counseling is more difficult because the counselor is ministering to three separate clients at the same time and needs to know how to handle any conflict that may erupt in a counseling session. Knowing what to look for and what to avoid is important in getting the help you need.

Protecting Your Child’s Heart – The children of a separated couple are torn in many directions emotionally, but usually hover in the background, unnoticed. How do we help them through their loneliness and confusion without entangling them in our own pain and disappointments? One of my own daughters, who not only suffered through my three-year separation but is now a mental health counselor, sheds light on this important but often overlooked subject.

Stepping into the Prayer Closet – Effective prayer for our marriages encompasses much more than we think. Praying for restoration is only the beginning as we humble ourselves and allow God to sift the chaff from our hearts and lives, pray sacrificially for our spouses, and surrender everything to God.

Letting Go–The Hardest Prescription – The true answer to turning the marriage around starts with letting go of control and giving it all to the God who knows how to put together the broken pieces of our lives to create something beautiful. How do we do that?

Unwrapping the New You – To have a healthy marriage, we need two healthy individuals in that marriage. The separated person not only needs to take care of him/herself, but also let God unwrap the potential within. God uses the trials in our lives for a purpose. One of His purposes is to make us into more of the person He first designed us to be. We have a creative God who can use this time to take us on a new personal adventure of growth.

Turning the Prayer Closet into a War Room – Once we have humbled ourselves and completely put our trust in God, we are ready to declare war on the enemy of our marriage. We begin by entering into God’s courts with praise and then dress ourselves piece by piece in the power of the armor of God.

Making Tough Choices – How do we love the spouse who is tearing our marriage apart and protect ourselves as well? How do we handle a mate caught up in addictions or an affair? And what about an abusive spouse? In setting appropriate heart guards, it’s important to find that fine line between love and self-protection. An in-depth discussion with Counselor, John Tardonia, about physical abuse, a look at how to handle infidelity, and a powerful story from the trenches about addiction will help us find the answers.

Dating as Friends – One perplexing issue a separated couple often begins to grapple with at some point is whether or not they can be friends while separated. The surprising answer to this is that a period of friendship dating can actually be a positive step toward putting a marriage back together.

Knowing If It’s Time To Reconcile – Even when a prodigal spouse is ready to return, the timing may or may not be right for true reconciliation. There is a way that will successfully bring the marriage back together in a healthy forever relationship, and there’s a wrong way that may cause the marriage to break apart again. What are the signs that a separated couple is ready to get back together and rebuild a solid marriage? The story of a couple who did it both the wrong way and the right way sheds light on this subject.

Learning to Live with the Same Spouse in a New Marriage – When a couple finally gets back together, how do they ensure that their marriage has a firmer foundation than before and that bad habits won’t return? How do they create safety for each other? And when relapses do occur, how should they handle them? My husband Marv and I share a number of principles that can help the new reconciled marriage become the marriage you always wanted.

Coping With the “D” Word – Lurking in the separated person’s mind is a dark, dreaded fear. What if, after all the waiting, their mate still decides to file? Wherever this road leads, God has provided. You needn’t be afraid. God’s perfect love will carry you through no matter what happens. Answers to common questions about divorce are provided and helpful programs recommended.

Who Are You Holding For? – Although your heart has been on hold for your spouse, it is only when you truly fill your heart up with Jesus that you will find a completely healed heart. He’s the only one who will give us a perfect love. In your waiting, God has brought you something more precious than what you thought you’d lost—the sweet intimacy of a deeper relationship with Christ. Two stories with different endings show how God is not limited by our own expectations and brings the beauty of restoration to us in different ways.

Finding the Hope to Fight the Fight

If you are separated, there is hope—even if you’re fighting for your marriage alone. Our culture is filled with misconceptions. One of them comes regularly whenever I begin telling people about the many marriages I’ve seen reconcile. After a sad sigh, one person will often say, “But it takes two to want to reconcile.”

While it ultimately does take two to finally get back together, it doesn’t take two to start the process of reconciliation. One spouse, alone, who is willing to trust God, focus on Him, and surrender the marriage to God, can often bring about restoration. But he or she needs to trust God’s ways and His timing and realize God has purposes beyond their own. Yes, eventually, it does take two. But God will restore the person who waits on Him during the waiting, sometimes in unexpected ways, regardless of the eventual outcome.

So come and join the battle. Let me join you as you fight for your marriage. I want to show you principles and strategies to help you win—even if you’re separated and fighting for your marriage alone. Together, let’s look to the Commander and seek Him for direction.

Fighting for Your Marriage while Separated, A Practical Guide for the Brokenhearted

Filed Under: Battles, BOOKS, Divorce, Fear, Hope, How to win, Marital separation, marriage, Marriage problems, Reconciliation, spiritual warfare, Surrendering to God, Trusting God Tagged With: battles, books for marriage, divorce, marital reconciliation, marital separation, Marriage, marriage in crisis, New Directions, reconciled marriage, seeking answers, spiritual warfare, troubled marriage

Can Separated Couples Reconcile? Bringing about Reconciliation after Separation

March 13, 2019 by Linda Rooks 4 Comments

This is Part 3 of a 4 part series on separation. You can read Part 1, and 2 on Heart Talk.

The question that hangs in the air after a separation occurs is, “Can separated couples reconcile? Is it really possible? Are there success stories of couples who have done this? And how is bringing about a reconciliation possible when only one person wants this outcome?”

For the person who wants the marriage to be restored after separation, these are heartrending questions, often blighted by feelings of hopelessness and despair. But contrary to what many believe, there IS hope for the marriage to be reconciled. Surprisingly, if you are that spouse who wants to see your marriage restored, you can begin the process of turning your marriage around even with a partner who has no interest in reconciling.

In parts one and two of this series, we talked about the importance of giving space, creating safety, giving it time, taking responsibility, and speaking positive words. This is how to begin the process and set the stage if reconciliation is to occur.

The idea, however, of one person in the marriage being able to turn the marriage around by themselves after separation may seem an impossibility. How can separated couples reconcile when only one person in the marriage wants that to happen?

While your first inclination may be to focus on how your spouse needs to change and how to resolve issues, the more valuable focus should be on how to build up your spouse through your prayers, words, and actions. Ephesians 4:29 asks us to “build others up according to their needs.” Pray for God to help you take a compassionate look at your spouse to better understand his or her needs. Step back and look at the dynamics that have typically taken place in your marriage. Is there an imbalance in the way decisions are made? Are your partner’s concerns being heard in marital discussions? What is your spouse’s fears, hopes, and dreams? Do you understand what your spouse needs emotionally to feel loved? What is important to her? What is he proud of? What makes your spouse feel discouraged or hopeful?

Answering these questions may give you a better understanding of your spouse’s needs so you know how to approach your spouse, alter your behavior, and speak words of encouragement when you are together. Instead of talking about issues at this point, when you have contact, create an atmosphere of safety between you.

Pray

In humility, pray for God to show you your part in the marital impasse. Ask others for their honest input on changes they think you should make—not to become what your spouse wants you to be, but to become the best YOU God created you to be. Find some good Christian books to help you with this too. At the same time, guard your heart. Give your heart into God’s care where He can keep it safe while God brings healing to both your hearts. Proverbs 4:23 wisely tells us to, “Guard your heart for the heart is the wellspring of life.” By giving this time to God, He can strengthen your heart and open your eyes to any changes He wants to make in you. With the strength God gives you, it will be easier to respond more positively to your spouse so you can begin interacting in a safe environment.

Pray also for your spouse—not just that he or she will want to return to you, but that they will know more of God’s grace and have a meaningful encounter with Jesus. When they can heal emotionally and fully understand the love and fulfillment God can bring to their lives, they will then have more love to give to you. Someone who is empty has little to give to another. 1 John 4:7-8 says, “God is love.” ^“Beloved, let us love one another, for love is of God; and everyone who loves is born of God and knows God. He who does not love does not know God, for God is love.”

Identify Negative Dynamics in Your Marriage

Try to identify out-of-balance dynamics and negative reactionary circles that have kept your marriage off balance and discover ways to correct them. If you do this, you can start redirecting negative exchanges into positives whenever you have contact with your mate.

One of the surprising realities of relational transformation can be seen when one person decides to respond differently to their spouse during a time of conflict instead of reacting in the usual way that tends to advance a continued cycle of negativity and conflict. When one person disrupts the typical pattern of conflict by responding differently, the reaction of the other person must change also. The circular dynamics of conflict are altered and the relational exchange spins out in a new direction. In this way, one person can turn the relationship in a new direction by finding more effective ways to communicate. Here are a few possibilities:

Listen to your spouse without interrupting even if you disagree with what they are saying.
Be aware of your own negative body language or tone of voice.
Accept and validate your spouse’s feelings and experience without judging.
Respond with positive words of encouragement and reassurance.
Be willing to take a time out instead of pressing your point.

Let Go of Your Expectations

Finally and most importantly, surrender your marriage to God. Let go of it. Put it in His hands. This is the hardest part of the process, but the most necessary. God has answers for you and your mate that you don’t have. He sees the big picture. He knows what each of you needs for your marriage to be restored. With your heart safely in God’s protection, you can experience a new peace. When you let go and surrender it all to God, He can put together all the missing pieces. Then, when positive interactions and safe environments begin to take place between the two of you, you may slowly begin to experience enjoyable times together.

If and when you come to a point when you both want to reconcile, proceed carefully and resist the temptation to move back in together too soon. Listen to one another, encourage one another, and take your spouse’s concerns seriously. Meet with a counselor or attend a peer program like Retrouvaille or Marriage 911 to acquire the necessary tools to successfully mesh your lives back together again. As evangelist Jimmy Sowder used to say, “Always remember: we cannot rush God in His timing, but we sure can delay it.”

Can Separated Couples Reconcile?

Can separated couples reconcile? Has it been done before? Can I give examples?

Absolutely, yes. My husband and I are just one example of a couple with a resurrected marriage who reconciled after three years of separation. And now in the marriage ministry we have lead for the past twelve years, we have seen many other marriages reconcile as well. You can read several of their stories in my new book, Fighting for Your Marriage while Separated, others on my Heart Talk blog, and you can find more of my own story in my first book, Broken Heart on Hold.

So can separated couples reconcile? Yes, they can. Saving a marriage after separation may take a while as you dig beneath the chaos so reconciliation can take place. But if you are growing as a person and in your understanding of God’s great love for you, and if you are allowing God to guard your heart, the waiting may bring unexpected blessings.

Next week: Fighting For Your Marriage While Separated – pulling it all together.

If you want to save your marriage, Fighting for Your Marriage while Separated by Linda W. Rooks will give you the practical help you need to guide you through the complexities and confusion of a separation. Reconciliation is possible–even if you’re fighting for your marriage alone.

Filed Under: Divorce, Letting go, Marital separation, Marriage problems, Reconciliation, Trusting God Tagged With: divorce, marital separation, Marriage, marriage in crisis, seeking answers, troubled marriage

Saving A Marriage After Separation – Yes, You Can

March 6, 2019 by Linda Rooks Leave a Comment

This is Part 2 of a series on separation. You can read Part 1, “Is There Hope for The Separated Marriage?” on Heart Talk, posted February 25, 2019

Saving a marriage after separation doesn’t begin the way most people think it would. Most believe both husband and wife need to work on it before there’s a chance for reconciliation. But if just one partner in the marriage perseveres in working toward reconciliation, there’s a good possibility of saving a marriage after separation.

If you are the spouse who wants to reconcile, chances are at the beginning of your separation, you started off by thinking, “How do I make my spouse realize they are wrong about the marriage? How do I convince him or her that I am really a great person worthy of their love? How do I show them their mistakes? After all, your mate is probably the one who chose to separate so they are obviously wrong—right? Consequently, your first inclination may be to convince your spouse they are wrong about the marriage and they are wrong to leave.

Safety

Although these feelings may very well be justified, saving a marriage after separation requires a very different approach. For reconciliation to take place in a separated marriage, one of your first goals should be to create an atmosphere of safety between you. You begin this process by giving your partner some space. Then, take a little coffee break with God and let God calm your heart. He can strengthen you in the waiting so you can carry out the steps He unfolds to you along the way. Proverbs 3:5-6 says, “Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge Him and He will direct your paths.” Use this circumstance to spend time with Jesus. Seek guidance from the Almighty God who loves both you and your spouse and wants to heal your breaking hearts.

Don’t be in a hurry. Remember, change takes time. This crisis didn’t develop overnight, and it won’t be resolved quickly. Don’t set time limits. Realize feelings change. What we feel one day may be very different six months from now. That can be true of your spouse and can also be true of you. But it takes time for this to happen.

With God as your anchor, you can then set in motion the necessary steps for saving a marriage after separation. As a first step, make a decision to start responding more positively to your spouse so you can begin interacting in a safe environment.

Responsibility

Open your heart also to the possibility that your separation is not all your partner’s fault. Look at yourself to see changes God wants you to make – not to become what your spouse wants you to be, but to become what your Heavenly Father wants you to be. Be willing to accept responsibility for your part in the breakdown. During our three-year separation, it took me a whole year before I realized it wasn’t all my husband’s fault. It was when I saw my own part in the marital breakdown that God was able to begin making the necessary changes in both our hearts so we were eventually able to reconcile. Even if the sin of one of you is more egregious, both partners have usually played a part in what has transpired.

Speaking positive words into the life of your partner whenever you have contact while simultaneously letting God show you your own deficiencies can begin a safe and steady move toward the goal of saving a marriage after separation.

Ephesians 4:29 exhorts us to “build others up according to their needs.” Do you understand your spouse’s needs? Do you know how to encourage your spouse and build him up? To bring your marriage back to health, learning how to meet your mate’s emotional needs and building him or her up accordingly can contribute greatly toward fostering the emotional vibrancy necessary to having a healthy marriage relationship.

Positive Words

During our separation, as I considered how saving a marriage after separation might be possible, I encountered a passage in John Gray’s book, Men are From Mars, Women are from Venus that changed the trajectory of my thinking. In his book, Gray maintains that the emotional needs of a man are different from the emotional needs of a woman, and as I read what he described as the emotional needs of a man, I was stunned. As I perused the two lists, I realized I had pretty much been doing what a woman needs for her emotional needs to be met. After all, as a woman, I guess that would come somewhat naturally. But I had been clueless about the emotional needs of a man. As I read that list, I was appalled that I had done so little as a wife to meet the emotional needs that would satisfy my husband as a man.

According to John Gray, a woman’s primary emotional needs are “caring, understanding, respect, devotion, validation, and reassurance.” A man’s primary emotional needs are “trust, acceptance, appreciation, admiration, approval, and encouragement.”

After reading these lists, I immediately began to think about how I could apply this new revelation to my situation. It was hard at first to think of ways to show trust, admiration and approval towards my husband who had turned his back on me. But I knew it was important to find sincere ways to do that. So I sat down and made a list of everything I could think of—even small things—that would build him up emotionally. Then when we had contact, I tried to work one of these encouragements into our conversation. Slowly, as I began to build my husband up, he became more interested in spending time with me. It was a pivotal time that moved us in a more positive direction so that we ultimately were able to restore our marriage.

Understanding these differences and then speaking positive words into the life of your spouse to meet his or her specific needs is an important step toward saving a marriage after separation.

A separation is a heartrending, complicated, and lonely experience in a married person’s life with no simple answers. But answers do exist as you walk with the Lord and allow Him to open your understanding one day at a time. Creating a positive and safe environment where answers can begin to evolve plays a significant role in saving a marriage after separation.

Next week: Part 3 – Can separated couples reconcile? Bringing about a reconciliation.

If you want to fight for your marriage, Fighting for Your Marriage while Separated by Linda W. Rooks will give you the practical help you need to guide you through the complexities and confusion of a separation. Reconciliation is possible–even if you’re fighting for your marriage alone.

Filed Under: Hope, Marital separation, marriage, Marriage problems, Reconciliation, Uncategorized Tagged With: marital reconciliation, marital separation, marriage in crisis, New Directions, troubled marriage

Is There Hope for The Separated Marriage?

February 25, 2019 by Linda Rooks 8 Comments

“My husband left. He wants a divorce” These familiar and heartbreaking words break my heart each time a person comes to me, describing what is happening in their marriage when their spouse wants out. Their pain and desperation is palpable. I know some hard days lie ahead for them, but I also know there is hope if they can reign in their pain and choose the right path. Now that I’ve worked with those who are separated for so many years, I’ve seen God’s miraculous grace rescue marriage after marriage and bring back together those who are separated. So, yes, there is hope for the separated marriage.

How do you find hope for the separated marriage?

If you are in that place, it’s important to step back from your painful circumstances and take a fresh look at your relationship. If you have become separated, something in the marriage is broken. Just as an electrician needs to analyze an electrical system that has broken down in order to fix it, so too when a marriage breaks down, it’s important to locate the parts that are not working.

The process begins by giving space to a partner who is distancing himself and enlisting the aid of the Only One who has the full perspective, and that is our Creator God. As our Creator, God knows each of us inside and out. He knows me and you, and He knows our partners. He knows what needs to change for the relationship to work. When we seek God’s Omniscient perspective and look to Him for the answers, we can begin to take steps toward healing. A separation is messy and complicated. There are no simple answers. But there ARE answers. There are wrong paths we can travel and good ones to choose.

First Steps to Take

Giving space to the one who has left is the first step if you want to find hope for the separated marriage. Chasing after your spouse and forcing them to come up with answers to your questions only pushes them further away and will prolong the process. But giving space allows your partner to sort out the confusion spiraling through his or her head. Because of your pain, this is not an easy prescription, but it’s necessary in order to turn things around.

As you give space to your partner, you need to find healing and a place of safety for yourself. Proverbs 18:10 tells us, “The name of the Lord is a strong tower; the righteous run to it and are safe.” You are on a journey that will carry you over some rocky, barren places, and you need strength to make it through the rough terrain. As you run into the safety of God’s grace, you will find healing and hope. He can take care of your breaking heart. In his loving arms, you will find hope for the separated marriage that has taken place as He helps to soften the bitterness and pain so you can take the second step. For as you receive God’s grace, He will ask you in turn to offer grace to the one who is hurting you.

This means speaking positive words to your spouse, which is your next move as you seek to find hope for the separated marriage. Easing the tensions between you and your spouse by using positive words will provide a bridge over which the two of you can begin to tip toe as you take first steps back toward one another to explore new possibilities in your search for hope.

There is no straight, quick, and easy path to reconciliation, but as you traverse this labyrinth of confusion and pain, the road may bring unexpected healing and happiness as your eyes are opened to new realities. God brings “beauty from ashes, and the oil of joy in place of mourning” when we allow Him to guide us along this difficult journey to find hope for the separated marriage we want to see reconciled.

Next week: Reconciling a Separated marriage

Filed Under: Divorce, Marital separation, marriage, Marriage problems, Trusting God, Trying to understand, Uncategorized, Where is God? Tagged With: marital separation, Marriage, marriage in crisis, seeking answers, troubled marriage, unanswered prayer

A Surprising Reality about Resurrected Marriages

July 31, 2018 by Linda Rooks Leave a Comment

My husband and I recently watched the movie “Parent Trap” on TV, in which two eleven-year old girls randomly meet at a summer camp. When they discover they are actually twins, separated at birth by their divorcing parents, they contrive together to reunite their mom and dad. By switching places and working together, they ultimately succeed, and the family comes together again in a resurrected marriage.

While chatting about the story afterward, Marv and I agreed that several years ago we would have thought it pretty unlikely for a marriage to reconcile after an eleven-year divorce. But, surprisingly, today we actually know a couple who did exactly that.

As we talked about Clint and Penny—the couple who’d been divorced for eleven years and reconciled, it occurred to me they weren’t the only ones. I remembered a story I included in my book about another couple who experienced a resurrected marriage after being divorced for eight years. And in both cases, these marriages are continuing to thrive.

Having been in ministry to marriages in crisis for the past eleven years, we were able to recollect more and more couples whose marriages had collapsed at some point and then been resurrected years later. Strange, how the closer you are to an issue, the less preposterous the possibilities become for something like a resurrected marriage that otherwise may seem improbable—if not almost impossible.

Of course, our personal story was a starting point. We ourselves had experienced our own resurrected marriage after three years of separation . And to many people, that seemed impossible. As we continued to talk about it, we each conjured up memories of couples who had been separated for several years, and others who had divorced and remarried.

The difference between the movie fantasy and the real life reconciliation stories however, was that it took more than a candlelit dinner and a few resurrected memories to put the marriages back together. Fantasy and reality do differ in that respect after all. And what brought people back together in real life was change. Someone—or in most cases, both someones—changed.

When a divorce or separation occurs, it means something in the marriage is broken. It may simply result from a failure in the ability to communicate or resolve conflicts, or a serious imbalance in the dynamics of the relationship. Or perhaps the marriage came under attack by either an outside assailant or a toxic dependency that was allowed to invade the marriage.

The beautiful reality about how God created us, however, is that change is possible, and a new resurrected marriage between the same two people can grow from the willingness to change.

In my experience, change happens when at least one of the parties humbles themselves before God and allows Him to sift their hearts and lives. As they can begin to see themselves through God’s eyes, they then start to recognize their own flawed behavior that may have contributed to the demise of the marriage. Although, their partner undoubtedly contributed to the downfall of the marriage as well, the one partner’s willingness to change can set positive things in motion.

Can candlelight and lovely memories bring a marriage back together? Yes. But chances are the new marriage won’t last if change has not taken place as well. The starry-eyed reconciliation stories I have witnessed eventually come crashing down when couples do not put the necessary work into creating something new between them. Change is necessary.

God is a God of hope. But He is also a God who wants to create something new in our lives. The beauty of a resurrected marriage is built upon the humility of two people willing to let God mold them into His design where love and respect can thrive between them.

And it can start with just one .

If you want a resurrected marriage, Fighting for Your Marriage while Separated by Linda W. Rooks will give you the practical help you need to guide you through the complexities and confusion of a separation. Reconciliation is possible–even if you’re fighting for your marriage alone.

Filed Under: Divorce, Marital separation, marriage, Reconciliation Tagged With: divorce, marital separation, Marriage, marriage in crisis, reconciled marriage, unanswered prayer

You Are Not Alone

April 19, 2018 by Linda Rooks 2 Comments

When you feel your marriage beginning to crumble in crisis, fragments of unresolved issues, confusion, and pain can shatter your dreams and expectations for the life you thought you had. You feel all alone. You look around and see two camps of people: One camp with marriages intact, happily moving forward in their lives; the other camp with people who are divorced but apparently stable, moving past the hurts to find new dreams.

Two camps. Two choices. This is all you see.

And then some brave soul steps forward to share a true life experience of healing. They open their life to others to tell of deep, painful times in their marriage that God turned around in their life for good.

This happened the other day on my Facebook Page. As I told of one marriage that was beginning to reconcile, other people jumped in to share their stories of how God had healed their marriages also. One after another, people emerged from the shadows of cyberspace to share a story of hope.

Others shared struggles they were still dealing with, and once again courageous souls jumped in to encourage them.

And many hurting people began to see they were not alone. There was a third camp—a third answer.

This is the beauty of Christian lives that are honest and vulnerable, allowing God to use the encouragement He has given them to encourage others. They show us a third option, something the world doesn’t see because most people want to put the hard times behind and not look back.

Through and beyond the stories of the honest and vulnerable, is a testimony of God’s wondrous power and love. God is our healer, and when we bring our brokenness to Him, He can bathe it in a healing balm that pulls everything together through the light He sheds into our darkness.

I’ve seen God do it in my own life, and now I’ve seen Him do it in many others as well. We are not alone. Others have walked this journey before us, and many have seen God breathe new life into marriages that appeared to have died slow and painful deaths.

We are not alone. We are never alone. Whether or not that courageous soul steps forth to speak to us of the hope they found for their marriage, God is by our side, waiting for us to come to Him, waiting for us to bring Him our pain and confusion so He can comfort us and lead us on a path into the light of His healing.

He wants to walk beside you on this journey. He holds hope in the palm of His hand. When you take His hand, you take hold of the hope of Jesus. You are not alone.

“May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in him, so that you can overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit” (Romans 15:13).

Do you have a story of hope? Are you struggling? Please share your own story by leaving a comment.

Listen to Marv and Linda’s story about their own three-year separation in a three-part series on Family Life Today as they both share from the heart about their separation and reconciliation.

If you want to reconcile a broken marriage, let me walk with you through the pages of my new award winning book, Fighting for Your Marriage while Separated to help you find hope. There you will find practical help that can guide you through the complexities so you can see how reconciliation is possible for you– even if you’re fighting for your marriage alone.

Filed Under: Divorce, Grief, Hope, Lonliness, Marital separation, Marriage problems, Reconciliation, Uncategorized Tagged With: divorce, Feeling lost, grief, Lonliness, marital separation, marriage in crisis, seeking answers, troubled marriage

Whatever Happened to Heart Talk?

October 9, 2017 by Linda Rooks 2 Comments

Linda at Marjorie Kennan Rawlings typewriter

Dear Reader,

I haven’t forgotten you. I’ve received a few emails asking why it’s been so long since I posted a new blog, and I want you to know you are not forgotten. In fact, you are on my mind almost every day. I haven’t forgotten the challenges you face, the fears that grip your heart, or the hope you cling to when rays of sunshine break through.

Please forgive me for seeming to have abandoned my weekly conversation with you here on Heart Talk, but it’s not because I’m not thinking of you . . . or have run out of things to say. In fact, I think of you almost every day and have so much to say I have been writing a new book—a book that will hopefully give many of you the answers you’ve been looking for.

The working title is Fighting For Your Marriage While Separated, A Practical Guide for the Brokenhearted. This new book begins where Broken Heart on Hold left off, continuing to guide you through the labyrinths of separation, this time with practical answers to the many questions you have sent me. Separations are unpredictable with many twists and turns and complicated undertones. Finding the path to reconciliation and healing means stepping outside the box of normalcy to find solutions. Fighting for Your Marriage While Separated will be a guide for the separated person who is standing and fighting for their marriage, often against great odds.

From a professional standpoint, I’ve had a hard time focusing on anything besides this book. But personally I’ve had a few interruptions along the way as well, such as hurricanes, my husband falling and needing surgery and help during recovery, and the death of a loved one. So please stick with me.

I hope to be adding a few new blogs in the next few weeks, even as I continue working on Fighting For Your Marriage While Separated. Some of these posts may give you a glimpse of what is coming when the book is eventually released by New Growth Press.

In the meantime, know that I am praying for you. Please pray with me that God gives me every word that goes into this book to His glory and your good. My heart’s desire is to provide you with what you need to find healing for yourself and your marriage.

Filed Under: BOOKS, Marital separation, Reconciliation, Uncategorized Tagged With: books for marriage, marital separation

The Single Dad Detour – Interview with Author Tez Brooks

January 19, 2017 by Linda Rooks Leave a Comment

If you’re a dad in a broken marriage and marital reconciliation looks more and more remote, my interview today with my friend Tez Brooks will be especially meaningful and, perhaps, a life-changer. In his award-winning book, The Single Dad Detour, Tez Brooks provides wise guidance laced with humor to help divorced and separated dads navigate through difficult circumstances in parenting. I’m hoping Tez’s experience and insights will offer answers to many of the questions men commonly ask in their emails to me. A review of the book by author Rick James says, “If I were a single parent on this journey, I’d want Tez’s comforting voice on my GPS. It’s a warm and understanding voice that’s traveled the back roads and knows where it’s going.”

Linda: Tez, tell our readers a little about yourself and your journey.

Tez: Sure. Well, I made a decision to follow Christ when I was 6, felt a call to ministry at 18 and went to Bible College. I was a 22-year-old youth pastor when I married a girl from my hometown. During our 10-year marriage we had two children who are now adults.

But there were a lot of hidden issues we were dealing with as a couple. I had abuse in my background and was a bit of a control freak. I could be a real jerk sometimes. My wife had undiagnosed bi-polar disorder and some other mental health issues that we didn’t know were affecting our marriage. I thought that’s just what marriage was supposed to be—a roller coaster.

On top of that, she was chronically unfaithful and although I saw evidence of this while we were dating, I figured a wedding ring would solve this. I was young and naïve and didn’t have any older men speaking into my life who might have warned me. I took her back several times but eventually, her unfaithfulness led to a divorce.

That’s not what I wanted for us. I continued to make attempts to salvage our marriage. Counseling, marriage conferences, books, prayer, fasting—everything. Even after the divorce I was open to reconciliation. I believed with the Lord we could work through anything. But at the time, only one of us was walking with God. And honestly, you can’t force someone to love you.

We shared custody of our son and daughter. Sometimes they lived with me, other times they were with my ex. It was a lonely depressing time for me. The kids experienced a lot of loss too. In all, the kids lived with me full-time for about 3 years. As you’ve heard, no one wins. Divorce is a lose/lose situation.

After being divorced 7 years, I met and married my lovely wife Christine and we’ve had 2 more girls. It’s such a joy to raise children with a godly woman who loves me and shares the same values as a parent.

Linda: Your book, The Single Dad Detour was recently a winner for the 2016 Royal Palm Literary Award. Although your book has a Christian worldview, this was a secular competition. Obviously they saw your book contained some unique insight and encouragement for any audience. How is that?

Tez: Maybe it’s because I didn’t try to get too deep or theological? I’m not sure. I talk a lot about the importance of having a personal relationship with God in order to effectively parent your child through a broken family situation. But if you know me, I just don’t get in people’s faces as a bible-thumper. Sharing my faith is a more natural, relational thing with me. Perhaps the judges sensed this? I’m just thankful they acknowledged a religious book. I’m chalking it up to God’s grace.

It was certainly an honor to receive such a prestigious award. I’m blown away by how God is using it to minister to single parents around the world. I currently have 2 single dads I’m mentoring solely because they heard about the book and contacted me.

A counselor I know gives copies to parents who are having marriage trouble. In Singapore, Teen Challenge uses it as a resource for single dads coming through their addiction recovery program to help them learn how to be better fathers. But actually more women buy the book than men. Mothers get it for their divorced sons. Women give copies to their boyfriends who have kids. I’m humbled by every story I hear.

Linda: You’ve said it was difficult to write it because of the memories that surfaced. What led you to write it anyways?

Tez: I really struggled. I’d been re-married several years and had moved so far past that season of darkness. I didn’t want to re-visit some memories.

But the Lord started giving me compassion for single dads and I remembered how there just wasn’t anything out there for me when I was going through it. Especially books with a Christian worldview. What was available was too preachy for me. So I wrote something that would encourage guys with a little humor and offer some practical advice and action points.

Linda: Many men build their lives on the idea that a wife, kids and a house equals success. When that crumbles down, where can they find their identity?

Tez: That’s a great question because our identity needs to be grounded in Christ to begin with. If that’s not there when tragedy strikes, we’re in trouble. That’s where I found myself. I was a Christian but I didn’t really understand my identity as a child of God. I thought the American dream was where my self worth was. When that disappeared I was suddenly a man in my 30s with no real value to anyone. At least that’s what I believed.

I embraced the world’s view of who and what I was. In essence I allowed the world to place a price tag on my forehead. Suddenly that tag was marked down 95% and I was thrown in the bargain bin.

It can take a long time for the message of Christ to get from our heads down to our hearts. That’s what needed to happen with me. Thankfully the Holy Spirit began a work to reveal the value God placed on me. It was vital to my healing.

Linda: You’ve been happily married to Christine for 15 years now. But what about the single dad reading your book who is believing for a marital reconciliation? Do you support that?

Tez: Absolutely. God hates divorce and he desires for us to honor and keep those wedding vows of “…till death do us part.” I commend and respect couples like you and Marv who are able to work through some very heart-wrenching issues and preserve a marriage after long periods of painful separation. Some of these couples even re-marry one another…so even a divorce is not necessarily final. That’s what I want readers to hear.

In chapter 3 of The Single Dad Detour I mention the importance of attempting to restore your marriage. Divorce should always be a last resort. But I also know every couple has different situations. Not all marriages are in trouble because of unfaithfulness or desertion. And even for those marriages that are, the spouse who desires a reconciliation might be the very one who sinned but is now repentant.

Whatever the story, some folks don’t get the luxury of having a spouse who agrees that the marriage must be saved. So you may be all alone in hoping for marital restoration. But God is still there. He was for me.

When it became obvious my marriage was irreconcilable, I was swallowed up by an even darker shadow. Because I thought scripture wouldn’t allow me to marry again. I prepared to spend the rest of my life single.

While I was embracing some very cool opportunities to serve the Lord in ways only a single could, I still struggled as a man in my 30s, knowing loneliness and sexual temptation would always be part of my life.

It took a brave pastor to walk me through some scripture passages and show me I was free to remarry. Even after that, I was suspicious and didn’t trust women in general. I watched Christine for a year before I decided to court her.

It was scary for me but I’ve never dreamed marriage could be so fulfilling. Does this make me pro-divorce/remarriage? No. But life is messy. You don’t always get what you expected or planned for. And watching God redeem your life in spite of bad decisions is an amazing thing to experience.

Linda: What is one thing you want men to get from reading The Single Dad Detour?

Tez: I want readers to walk away encouraged to keep going. Whether God restores your marriage or not, he is coming alongside you in that journey. I want to challenge dads to step up to the plate in their parenting, while still trying to save the marriage if they can.

But outcomes are not always under our control. Yet there is hope for an abundant life if the marriage dissolves permanently. If men can celebrate what they’re doing right, while still leaning desperately on the Savior for hope, it will make the road they’re navigating much easier.

Linda: Where can people learn more about you and your book, The Single Dad Detour?

Tez: They can learn more me and The Single Dad Detour at www.everysingledad.com, on Facebook (everysingledad) or Twitter (tezd63).

Filed Under: BOOKS, Children, Divorce, Fathers, Interviews, Marital separation, Uncategorized Tagged With: author interview, children, divorce, Fathers, marital separation, single dads

It Only Takes ONE to Begin the Reconciliation of a Marriage

June 3, 2016 by Linda Rooks 38 Comments

My friend looked visibly shaken as she crossed the floor of the restaurant to join me at the table. When I asked how her family was doing, she burst into tears.

“Melanie and Ron are getting a divorce,” she said.

As she continued telling me the story of her daughter’s marital collapse, I could hear the pain in her words. My heart grieved for her. I knew this subject all too well.

“You know these are the kinds of situations I deal with all the time,” I said. “Even though Ron wants a divorce, the situation is not hopeless. If Melanie focuses on God and allows God to show her the changes He wants your daughter to make, things can possibly turn around. I’ve seen it happen many, many times.

“But both people have to want it,” she said.

“No, they don’t!” I shook my head to emphasize my point. “One person, who doesn’t want the marriage to end, can begin the process of turning a marriage around.”

“But he’s already initiating a divorce.”

And then I told her about the many people who had come to our Marriage 911 classes with divorce papers in hand, couples who had not only reconciled their marriages, but were now thriving as husband and wife. Families had been restored with children who had witnessed firsthand the power of God.

“I don’t know what to do,” she said. “I don’t want to interfere.”

“How does your daughter feel?” I asked. “Does she want the marriage?”

“Yes. She’s upset, but she’s trying not to show it, and I know she has issues, but what can I do? I don’t want to interfere.”

“Just give her hope,” I said, “Listen to her. Let her talk, but let her know other people have reconciled their marriages even when divorce looked imminent. Encourage her to ask God to show her the things she can do to become the person God wants her to be. This is not just about her marriage, but about her, about her relationship with God.”

It Takes Two – Or Does It?

One of the most common fallacies I hear from people when talking about a “failed” marriage is that “it takes two to want to work on the marriage.”

While that is eventually true before a marriage is actually healed and restored, it only takes one person in the marriage to start the healing process.

One person who is committed to the marriage can actually turn a broken marriage around when he or she gives God their full attention. When their mind is focused on God instead of the spouse, God can open their eyes to their part in the marital breakdown and ways He wants them to change. As the first spouse starts to change, the dynamic of the relationship begins to change. The response of the resistant spouse often begins to adjust to the new behavior they are experiencing from the committed spouse, and the circular patterns of responses begin to shift in new directions.

When the committed spouse gives the changes a chance to marinate over time, reconciliation can eventually take place.

A True Story

When Marta first came to our Marriage 911 class, her heart was broken. Her husband had moved out and wanted nothing to do with reconciliation. Although they went to counseling, he repeatedly said he didn’t see them ever getting back together—ever! But Marta clung to hope as she started going to church and began to feel the presence of God in her life. She began providing spiritual leadership to their children and felt more at peace. She sought God with all her heart and began to look at herself to see the changes God wanted her to make.

But even as Marta was making changes in herself, her husband continued to dash her hopes on a regular basis by telling her it was time to file for divorce. Still, Marta pressed on with God and asked God for guidance whenever she engaged in conversation with her husband. As a result, Marta stopped pushing and began to show her husband a new respect. When they had arguments, she realized that pressing her point until she could prove she was right wasn’t productive. Instead, she stepped back and put things in God’s hands.

Eventually, her husband saw the changes in her and began initiating times for them to get together when they could talk and do things together they both enjoyed. However, he still had no interest in reconciling. That was not going to happen.

Finally, two years after they first separated, Marta came to a point where she knew she had to really let go and surrender it all to God. If he wanted to end the marriage, she couldn’t stop him. “God if this is what you want,” she prayed, “then give me the strength.”

As her husband saw Marta truly let go and prepare to move on, his eyes were opened, his heart was moved, and he told her he wanted to reconcile. They got back together, and today their love is deeper and stronger than before. In her words, “As much as I wouldn’t want to go through this again, I know we are a lot stronger. Our marriage is better than even when we first got married.”

First Things First

Matthew 6 gives a beautiful picture of God’s love for his creation and his care for us. In this passage, Jesus demonstrates to us that God’s sufficiency far exceeds our adversity. “Now if God so clothes the grass of the field, which today is, and tomorrow is thrown into the oven, will He not much more clothe you, O you of little faith?” (Matthew 6:30)

God is aware of our needs. He wants to give us all good things and He will. But in verse 33, Jesus tells us how to find God’s blessings for ourselves. He says that first we need to go to the source, to seek the one who holds all things together in His hands, the One Who is our Provider. “Seek first the kingdom of God and His righteousness and all these things shall be added unto you.” [emphasis added] Jesus asks that we seek Him first, to search for Him with all our hearts to discover Him and the wonder of Who He is, and then He will freely provide. (Matt. 6:33)

Above everything, God seeks to draw us to Himself, to take us deeper into relationship with Him. Sometimes a broken marriage is one of the few things that will get our attention and drive us to truly seek Him so He can make us into the special child of God He wants us to be.

So if you are reeling in the belief that your marriage—or that of a loved one—is doomed for divorce, stop and change your focus. The person wanting a divorce doesn’t hold all the answers. The Lord of Heaven does. And it only takes one to begin the process of change.

1 Peter 5:6-7 says, “Therefore humble yourselves under the mighty hand of God, that He may exalt you at the proper time, casting all your anxiety on Him, because He cares for you.”

“You will seek Me and find Me, when you search for Me with all your heart.” Jeremiah 29:13

If you want to reconcile a broken marriage, let me walk with you through the pages of my new book, Fighting for Your Marriage while Separated to help you find hope. There you will find practical help that can guide you through the complexities so you can see how reconciliation is possible for you– even if you’re fighting for your marriage alone.