Marital separation Archives - Page 4 of 5 - Heart Talk with Linda Rooks

The Prodigals We Love

September 11, 2015 by Linda Rooks 1 Comment

A couple of weeks ago, while sitting in church, I began thinking about the prodigals in our lives, those who are lost and walking apart from God. So often, despite our love, despite our longing to reach out to them, we seem unable to reach them—unable to touch their hearts.

In the midst of my musings, words of scripture crept into my thoughts and I heard the mournful words of Jesus in my head. “Oh Jerusalem, Jerusalem, you who kill the prophets and stone those sent to you, how often I have longed to gather your children together, as a hen gathers her chicks under her wings, but you were not willing.” (Matt 23:37.)

Through His words, I saw the grieving face of Jesus as he reached out to his people, only to be rejected, and I realized how thoroughly Jesus understands our pain. Even Jesus experienced the pain of rejection from those He loved, His chosen ones. Even Jesus—God Himself, could not force individuals to come to Him and return His love.

But rejection did not stop Jesus from loving. At the time he spoke these words, he stood in the temple courts, facing suspicious questions and doubting stares, knowing that in a few short days He would lay down His life for these very people who turned their backs on Him.

You hear the emotions in His words that day. He was angry at the Pharisees, sad at the deadness of their hearts, distressed that, despite the love of the Father, the people continued in their willfulness, each person headstrong to go his own way instead of following God.

But in spite of his disappointment, Jesus’ love pressed through to do the Father’s will. For not long after He spoke these words, He willingly died to save the lost, including the very ones who persecuted him.

God does not force His love on any of us, but wants each person to choose to come to Him. Lovingly he waits, ready to receive the repentant one He cherishes.

Although our hearts are heavy and our minds anxious for our prodigals’ return, we too must wait. Even though we long to reach out to them with love, often they are resistant. In fact, pursuing them may actually drive them further away.

Ultimately, the other person has to choose.

But that doesn’t mean we must stop loving. As followers of Christ we are called to love as Jesus loved.

For those prodigals in our lives, we cannot make them return to God or to us, but with a sacrificial love, we can seek God on their behalf through prayer. In spite of rejection, we can humble ourselves to speak words of encouragement instead of shame. And as we sit at the feet of our Father and pour over His words to us in the Bible, we can learn more about how to love with the love He gives to us.

“God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us.”
Romans 5:8

Jesus speaking in the temple: Matthew 23: 13-39

Story of the Prodigal son: Luke 15: 11-32 Luke 15: 11-32

Filed Under: disappointment, Divorce, Jesus, Love, Marital separation, Prayer, Prodigals, Reconciliation, Uncategorized Tagged With: divorce, grief, Lonliness, Love, marital separation, prodigal

Marriage on the Mend, Healing Your Marriage after Crisis, Separation or Divorce – Interview with Co-author Penny Bragg

May 7, 2015 by Linda Rooks 3 Comments

I am so very pleased to introduce Penny Bragg, co-author of Marriage on the Mend, Healing Your Marriage after Crisis, Separation or Divorce. Authors Penny and Clint Bragg are dear friends who have served alongside us in marriage ministry for a number of years. Every year, when we lead our Marriage 911 class, we invite Clint and Penny to share their amazing story of reconciliation with class participants, and every year their story provides new hope for couples who thought their marriages might be over.

Marriage on the Mend is a book that is long overdue to be published. While my book, Broken Heart on Hold, and others provide hope for reconciliation and strength to make it through the journey of crisis, Marriage on the Mend gives couples the tools to actually put their marriages back together, brick by brick, after they make the decision to reconcile. So I am thrilled to be able to interview Penny today.

Linda: Penny, you have an extraordinary testimony of reconciliation. After your divorce, did you ever think it would be possible to remarry each other?

Penny: Neither of us ever imagined God would reconcile our marriage. We had been divorced for over a decade and had absolutely NO contact with each other during those years. And when we say, “no contact,” we mean it. We had not spoken since the day our divorce papers were notarized citing, “Irreconcilable differences have caused the permanent breakdown of our marriage.” Once that happened, we each went our separate ways.

Early Married Life and How it All Unraveled

Linda: Were you Christians when you were married back in 1989?

Penny: Yes, we were Christians. We were married in the church and had a beautiful ceremony. However, we had no clue how to be married. We thought if we loved God and each other, that was enough. We were not mature enough in our faith to realize that we were going to have to work hard to have a good marriage. We also didn’t want to tell anyone we were struggling because we were in leadership positions in the church.

Linda: Yes, I’m afraid that can easily happen to people in leadership. Tell me though, were there specific issues that led up to your separation and divorce?

Penny: Yes, we can look back at it all now and see it so clearly. We both had a ton of baggage from our childhoods and secrets we never shared with one another. Those things seemed to subtly crawl out from under the carpet and creep in between us. We had gone on a mission trip together after our first year of marriage and when we came back, that’s when the division started. We couldn’t really put our finger on what was wrong. Clint could feel me pulling away, but we didn’t have good communication skills to work through things. He started getting worried because I was spending a lot of time away from our house and away from him. He confronted me about an affair, but I denied it.

Linda: Did you attempt to reconcile after you were separated?

Penny: I was the one who walked out. I wasn’t being honest with Clint. I was being unfaithful to him and to God. Clint tried to do all the right things to reconcile, but I would have NONE of it. The more he pursued me, the more I ran away. When he showed up unexpectedly at my workplace, I threw my wedding ring across the room at him. It was ugly. I was ugly. I closed my Bible and I closed my heart. I understand now that I had never really let Jesus heal all the wounds from my childhood and that I took out all that pain on Clint. He now understands that he was doing the same thing to me.

Reconciliation and Remarriage

Linda: I’ve heard you share your amazing story of how God started the ball of reconciliation rolling. Would you share with our readers what happened?

Penny: Unbeknownst to either of us at the time, God had paralleled our lives during our eleven years apart. But, He never allowed us to intersect. What we didn’t know was that we had both recommitted our lives to Christ after wandering our own paths away from Him. We finally let Him reach down and touch all the wounds in our hearts. I was working with a Christian counselor, trying to heal and bring closure to things in my life that I had broken through sin. The LAST thing on my list was contacting Clint, even though he should have been at the top. I was too scared after all I had done to him. I had NO intention to try and reconcile, just to heal and confess the truth to him. I also wanted to ask his forgiveness and apologize for what I had done.

Linda: The rest of the details of your incredible reconciliation are in your new book, Marriage on the Mend, right? Tell me more about your remarriage and your new book.

Penny: Yes, Marriage on the Mend—Healing Your Relationship After Crisis, Separation, or Divorce, (Kregel, 2015) contains our story. But it also covers the first five years of our remarriage to each other. Once we remarried in 2002, we had a mountain of consequences to overcome. People tend to think that you just reconcile and then cross it off your list. WRONG. Reconciliation is something we work on every day. We’ve now been remarried for almost 13 years. We’ve learned over and over again that reconciliation is not about following a recipe, it’s about following Jesus Christ. God did not allow us to have contact with each other until we had both reconciled our relationships with Him.

Tools for Reconciling

Linda: What great insight! So often, couples want to just repair the marriage itself, but until their hearts are right with God, it’s hard for them to get their hearts right with each other. What would you say are the main tools that have helped you build a strong marriage the second time around?

Penny: There are many tools that have helped us along the way. During our first remarriage conflict, God really got our attention. We didn’t want to fail at our marriage again. We were desperate for Him. We also didn’t have any counselor or books that seemed to meet our needs. But, we had both established a strong relationship with God which included meeting with Him alone daily. That is the most important thing in our remarriage that has made all the difference. In addition, we never leave the house without praying together in the morning first. We also meet together once-a-week to read the Word and pray together. Having prayer/accountability partners is another must in our marriage. Those people have permission to call us on the carpet when needed. They are our marriage advocates. We also get away with God each quarter to really talk about the deeper issues in our marriage, to seek Him together, set goals, and assess our progress. All of these tools have drastically cut down the conflict in our marriage.

Linda: What are some of the hardest issues you think couples must deal with after they reconcile?

Penny: Unforgiveness and bitterness over past mistakes seems to plague most couples who reconcile. The key is learning to accept forgiveness and reconciliation as a PROCESS…an ongoing process that takes time and effort. In addition, couples must learn a way out of the cycle or revolving door that gets them stuck in the same offense or argument over and over again. We have several tools in our book to address these issues.

Linda: Tell me about the QR codes in the book and why you wanted to integrate video into the reading experience.

Penny: As former educators in the public school system, we know how important it is to model the things that are taught. People need to see tools and concepts in action to understand how to apply them. We were thrilled when our publisher, Kregel, suggested we take all the video podcasts we had made and link them right into the book using QR codes. That way, as you read you can scan the QR code with your Smartphone or tablet and see a visual demonstration of each tool. There are 40 podcasts connected and threaded into the book. We also posted all those videos on the Internet so people can access them for free, even if they haven’t read the book. They can also be accessed through our website http://www.InverseMinistriesPodcast.org or on our Marriage on the Mend YouTube channel. https://www.youtube.com/user/MarriageontheMend

Advice for the Separated or Divorced

Linda: A number of the people reading this may be separated or divorced. What advice would you give?

Penny: Focus on strengthening your individual relationship with God daily. We designed some free resources to help you do that, including our “Give God 40 Days” devotional. We also have a resource entitled, “Do the Desert Well,” which encourages you with specific ways to allow God to change and heal your heart. Just e-mail us at reconcile@inverseministries.org and we are more than happy to send these to you. We also have a set of 40 scripture/prayer cards to deepen your prayer life. We know how painful the journey is for those who feel like their spouse or ex-spouse is showing NO signs of reconciliation. That’s why we created so many resources to walk alongside those who feel like there is no hope. If God can reconcile our marriage, He can reconcile ANY marriage!

Linda: Where can people find out more about your book?

Penny: Our website has all the information about our book including what others are saying and an informational video. http://www.InverseMinistries.org .

Filed Under: BOOKS, Conflict, Divorce, Doubt, Hope, Interviews, Marital separation, marriage, Marriage problems, mistakes, New Directions, Reconciliation, Uncategorized Tagged With: author interview, books for marriage, divorce, Doubt, marital separation, Marriage, marriage in crisis, Reconciliation, troubled marriage

Forgotten and Overlooked

January 26, 2015 by Linda Rooks 18 Comments

Sometimes when I recall that desperate time in my life that was shrouded in confusion and pain at the beginning of my husband’s and my separation, I see a young face in the shadows of my memory. As I look back now, I spot expressions of confusion and pain on her face too. But my overwhelming distress at the time shut her out from my conscious awareness. She was hurting, and I was her mother. But I was too overwhelmed with my own raw emotions to reach out to help her.

It’s a sad memory for me, filled with regret.

I say this because I know some of you are in that place too. In the midst of the turmoil in the home and your own unhappiness, one thing that is often forgotten and overlooked may be your children. While your own mind spins in upheaval, they watch in lonely bewilderment. Their anchor is gone. They feel their security slipping away and they don’t know where to turn or what to do.

This is one of those times when our weak humanity feels all too frail and fallible, and as parents caught in a swamp of emotional pain, trying to hold ourselves together may be about all we can muster, and yet . . . there is someone else, young and vulnerable . . . watching and disoriented. . . depending on us to be strong.

And that is the problem with trying to do it all on our own.

We can’t.

In my book, Broken Heart on Hold, I speak of such a moment early on during the separation between my husband and me.

“Finally, when my tears were exhausted and my anger was spent, I cried out in despair to God.” p. 20

Yes, in despair I cried to God. As I struggled in the weakness of my independence to hold everything together, I woefully discovered it is only God who can hold us together. Only God can guide us on the right path and give us eyes to see those young faces in the shadows.

In troubling times, our children absorb a lot from our emotions. In our bad moments, emotional garbage eats into their hearts and minds and festers there. They need God just as we do. They need to discover God’s love and provision when they are floundering in the wilderness of chaos.

My neighbor Faith set a good example for me when her husband left her and their two growing boys. While she read Christian books and sought help from a number of other Christian sources to make herself strong, she also hunkered down with her sons on the bed at night and answered their questions. She read uplifting Christian stories with them, listened to CDs together in the car, and spent time with them individually to find out how they were feeling–both emotionally and spiritually. Faith encouraged them that with God’s help, they would get through this time.

With a tasteful balance between openness and discretion, she kept them in the loop of what was happening as the separation from their father continued. God was her focal point. In her bed late at night, she wept bitter tears, but during the day she gave honest encouragement to her sons. Attention to her boys did not waver. Although they could see her pain, they also saw her trusting God. I know Faith’s testimony produced much-needed faith into their minds and hearts, which will strengthen them during their own trials in years to come.

If you are struggling through a painful time in your life, remember your children. Pray for them and look for resources for them. You can find books like those offered in my last blog interview, or a previous one where I talked about The Kingdom Series by Chuck Black, and others I will be mentioning in the future. Watch positive, hopeful movies together. Talk to your children. Give them hope that God is in control so that whatever happens He will provide for them in their needs.

Also, find other people and resources to reassure them that God has a future for them and plans for them (Jer. 29:11), and that “All things work together for good for those who love God and are called according to His purpose” (Rom. 8:28). Help your children seek God when they feel discouraged. As they watch you go through times of trouble, they learn themselves how to cope. Your example teaches them lessons they will be able to apply to the rest of their lives.

Filed Under: Children, Divorce, Grief, Marital separation, Marriage problems, Uncategorized Tagged With: children, confusion, divorce, Feeling lost, hard times, marital separation, marriage in crisis, seeking answers

Interview with Karen Whiting, Author of The One Year My Princess Devotions and The One Year Devotions for Active Boys.

January 14, 2015 by Linda Rooks 8 Comments

In the craziness of our lives, we can sometimes overlook the need to provide resources to help our children navigate through their own challenges and disappointments. This week, I am interviewing Karen Whiting, author of two new devotional books for children, The One Year My Princess Devotions and The One Year Devotions for Active Boys. Karen is an international speaker, award-winning author of 19 books, and former host of the television series Puppets on Parade for Miami educational TV. Last year The One Year My Princess Devotions won the 2014 Christian Retailing Best Award in children’s nonfiction. Karen has graciously offered to give one of each of the books away in a drawing among those who make comments at the end of this blog. If you make a comment, please let us know which of the books you’d like to receive. I know your children will love these books. So comment away.

Linda: Karen, I know you’ve written many devotionals, for both women, military families, and children. Why do you feel devotion books are important for children?

Karen: Devotions provide an easy way to connect to God on a daily basis. Starting them young helps children develop a lifetime habit of spending time with God. When they are young it gives them a continual sense of God’s presence. Through a year of studying God’s word, many topics are addressed and there’s always the sense of God’s interaction.

Linda: Every book has a unique focus or slant. What is unique in each of these two books for children?

Karen: The princess book focuses on showing girls that a real princess is one with virtues and good character traits who puts God’s word into action. This shows girls how to apply God’s word daily.

The book for Active Boys is interactive. Each day includes a fun activity (jokes, puzzles, secret code, experiment, weird facts, awesome activities, liftoff-list, etc). The activities are actually paired with the devotional focus to reinforce the message. They also allow boys to do something fun and many build skills. The liftoff-list is a self-assessment for boys to reflect on how they are doing that lets them see and choose good deeds and actions or reflect on how they are developing as men. It can develop a habit of reflecting on actions and thinking about good choices.

Linda: I understand that, as a mother of five, you did devotions with your children as they grew up. What benefits did you see as a result of that?

Karen: Besides cultivating their faith (and they have strong faith), the other benefits amazed me. The devotions developed their cognitive skills, increased their vocabulary and reading comprehension, and helped them be able to converse better.

Linda: Some little girls who feel abandoned by their father, when he has left the home, need reassurance that they are valuable and loved. Would you’re My Princess Devotions fill that need for them? If so, how?

Karen: The My Princess Devotions goes beyond thinking of Mom and Dad as family to thinking of being part of the larger family of God. Many days the prayer starts with “Dear Father King” or “Father God.” That can help girls know they have a heavenly father and a bigger family that includes people in their church. About once a month there is a devotional that includes the words mommy or daddy but it is not a constant usage. Many days, the action step focuses on doing something for everyone in her family as a gentler focus on the ones who do live with them.

There are over a dozen devotions that talk about being sad as well as many that talk about forgiving people or being hurt. These are opportunities for moms to chat about the sadness or hurt her daughter is experiencing because her dad doesn’t live with them or may not communicate often. Through being real and open about problems, girls can heal and feel whole.

September 12 talks about how God is with us even when we have trouble and bad days. That sense of God’s love is throughout the book. When girls experience pain, knowing God cares and loves them helps them.

Linda: Feeling rejected by his father can have a devastating effect on a little boy. Are there ways your Devotions for Active Boys might compensate for that feeling and help a young boy grow stronger through this traumatic period?

Karen: Devotions for Active Boys provides many devotions that encourage boys to move beyond hurt and pain. There is a story (Aug 23) about the singer Jason Gray’s stuttering that began when his parents divorced. The devotion shares how God called Jason to speak and sing in public.

Quite a few stories use experiences of fathers and sons that should serve as role models for boys who don’t have dads actively involved in their lives. Moms should encourage their sons to think about growing up to be great dads and how they can have such experiences with their future sons. Jesse Florea, the co-author, grew up without his dad after his parents divorced. He has a passion for providing a role model for other young boys that he himself did not have, and I know this comes through in the stories in the book.

Other days provide action steps to help overcome hurt (Dec 1 is one example with an acrostic for a healthy heart).

Linda: How else can these devotional books help children whose families are in the midst of turmoil?

Karen: The books show stories of God’s people in turmoil and even the death of Jesus. These devotions are all opportunities to start dialogues with your child. The stories that bring up sad events or bad days (even for Job and other Bible characters) provide opportunities to talk about the reality of what’s happening in your child’s life.

Devotions for Active Boys includes many real stories of people who overcame and others who may not have had happy endings but found peace in God. For example, there’s a true story of my son who had a 24/7 migraine for eleven years, a mountain climber who has two artificial legs, and the true story of how someone stole my son James’ new bike, which was ultimately replaced with a used bike. These stories can bring hope and the determination to persist.

Linda: How can we make the gift of a child’s devotional special and precious so our children will treasure doing it daily?

Karen: I believe it is best to give the child a devotional as a special gift. Have a favorite meal and at the end give them the book all wrapped up. Let them know it is a gift that will help them with their life. For young ones, plan to read it together. For older children, let them choose to do it alone or with you, but make a point to ask weekly what devotions they enjoyed most. We do want boys and girls to own their faith so at some point we want them to spend time alone with God. You can still have a weekly family devotion time even if they are doing devotions on their own as they grow. As my children hit the teen years we did devotions together at least three times a week.

Linda: Is there a way for children in broken homes to use these devotions to involve the missing parent?

Karen: First of all, the prayer time can be a time to pray for the absent parent.

Secondly, you might tell the other parent what your child is doing and suggest that he/she buy a copy of the book also to read daily to enable them to chat about the book with their child.

Thirdly, for those children in communication with their dads, I’d encourage moms to have their young daughters draw pictures of the devotion and fax or scan and then email it to him.

Similarly, for sons in this situation, encourage them to write in a special journal they make for their dads and let the boys show their dads what they’ve written when they get together. Another possibility would be for the boys to text their dad about the devotions. It’s important to keep lines of communication as open as possible.

Linda: Thanks Karen. Where can people find out more about these books?

Karen: Information can be found on my website at www.karenwhiting.com

Filed Under: BOOKS, Children, disappointment, Divorce, Interviews, Knowing God, Love, Marital separation, Time with God, Uncategorized Tagged With: author interview, children, devotional, divorce, marital separation

God’s Paradoxical Ways–Sometimes God Asks Us To Do the Illogical

October 1, 2014 by Linda Rooks 4 Comments

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YEARS AGO AT CHURCH I volunteered in a ministry where I found myself at loggerheads with the other woman involved. We completely clashed in the way we wanted to reach our objectives. I was discouraged over our impasse and frustrated with this person who seemed so inflexible in her unwillingness to consider my point of view.

But sometime prior to this, my husband and I had been convicted that whenever we had problems with someone, we should begin praying for them. So grudgingly, I started praying for this woman who was causing me such anxiety.

A few weeks later . . . after we started praying for her, my husband and I were thrust into a social setting with her and her husband and as we spent time talking together, we found that we had a lot in common . . . and we enjoyed them! Within about six months, they had become some of our best friends.

The crazy thing about this turnaround in that particular relationship is that, as we applied this principle to other problem relationships as well, the outcome wasn’t unique. Again and again, when we had trouble with someone and prayed for them specifically, they ended up becoming especially good friends. In fact, it happened so often that it became almost funny. Anytime we had problems with someone and we prayed for them, we halfway expected they’d end up becoming some of our best friends.

The Paradox

The paradox in following God is that while our human inclinations often take us in the opposite direction from what God wants us to do, it’s His leading and His ways that produce the positive consequences we want. But too often we react in the flesh without seeking God and wind up in problems we could have avoided.

In a troublesome relationship, arguing, becoming aloof, or maneuvering our way around the situation seems a much more logical approach than praying for someone who annoys us, hurts us, angers us, or causes us problems.

But God, in His infinite wisdom, whose thoughts and ways are higher than ours, has a different way. And He wants us to come to Him to find out what it is.

Because—actually, coming to Him and asking is the only way we can find out what His different way is.

In the story of Job, when everything in his life fell apart, friends allegedly came to comfort him. But instead they accused him, vilified him, doubted his integrity and caused him great grief.

During these exchanges with his friends, Job continually sought God to come and talk to him. When God did come and answer Job, God told Job to pray for these men who had been so unkind and tactless.

[The Lord] said to Eliphaz the Temanite, “I am angry with you and your two friends . . . . My servant Job will pray for you, and I will accept his prayer and not deal with you according to your folly.”Job 42:7, 8b

At this declaration from God, I wonder if Job’s first inclination was to do a double take. “Huh? Me pray for them? After all their accusations in the midst of my suffering?”

But Job did what the Lord said to do. Job prayed for his friends.

“And the Lord accepted Job’s prayer.” Job 42:9

But not only did God “accept” Job’s prayer, God used Job’s praying for his friends to bless Job as well . . . in amazing ways.

“After Job had prayed for his friends, the Lord made him prosperous again and gave him twice as much as he had before.” Job 42:10

Job’s Prayer

Job’s prayers are what let his friends off the hook with God so He did not punish them. And after Job prayed for his friends, the Lord healed him and blessed him. But why didn’t God just forgive Job’s friends on His own if He wanted to do that and bless Job as He apparently wanted to do? Why put that responsibility on Job when he was hurting and had reason to resent his friends’ actions?

Because God was doing something that transcends our human understanding. In the spiritual realm, actions that seem paradoxical to our human flesh often bring about shifts in heavenly places. By praying for his friends, Job humbled himself to acknowledge that God’s understanding was far beyond his own and that surrendering to God’s unfathomable ways was the key to living a life pleasing to God.

This principle applies to some of the deeper and stickier issues of life as well.

In my ministry to people who are separated or in a martial crisis, one of the things I often encourage them to do is to completely focus on God and “let go” of their spouse. But I frequently get this question as a result. “Does letting go mean that I should stop praying for him/her?”

In my response I urge them to simply let go of the expectations that God will do what they want Him to do and just pray that God will bless their spouse with a new love for God and an enlightened and discerning heart. No strings attached.

It’s not what we want to do in the natural. Our flesh rails against the idea. We want the strings. But the humility of our obedience even though it turns our hearts inside out, reaches the heart of God. With our hearts softened and malleable to His touch, our hurts become a spiritual sacrifice that He uses to bless us and give us a transformed heart, mind, and life.

God’s paradox is our lifeline to His heart.

Filed Under: Conflict, disappointment, Grief, How to win, Knowing God, Marital separation, Marriage problems, Prayer, stress, Surrendering to God, Trusting God, Trying to understand, Uncategorized Tagged With: conflicts, friends, marital separation, prayer, seeking answers, troubled marriage

A Thank You to Dads Who Persevere

June 13, 2014 by Linda Rooks Leave a Comment

AS FATHER’S DAY DRAWS NEAR, I want to recognize a particular group of dads who may approach the day with a bit of apprehension.

These are dads I sometimes get emails from who are persevering even in the midst of separation or divorce. Their wives have left or asked them to leave, and the pain of being separated not only from their wife but their children is tearing them apart.

In some situations, of course, the wife has had a good reason for her actions, but whether this is true in his particular case or not, the man I pay tribute to today has taken this to God, understands how he has erred, sought forgiveness, and is taking the necessary steps to become the man God created him to be. In the meantime, while he tries to rebuild trust with his wife, he is attempting to be a good dad to his children.

Dads who are separated or divorced have an especially difficult task, and I say kudos to those who keep their promises, make the effort to be a part of their children’s lives, show up for baseball games and dance recitals, is respectful of their mother in spite of the situation, and tries to maintain consistency in their child’s life while the child is shuffled between two different households.

Being a good dad is important to him. While he is aware of his failures, he wants with all his heart to be a good dad. He wants his children to be proud of him and know that he loves them. He doesn’t want to disappoint them. He wants to overcome the challenges.

So instead of criticizing his wife, he is humble and honest about his own shortcomings as God reveals them to him. He doesn’t try to drive a wedge between the children and their mother and prays with the children that God will use these adverse circumstances to bring good into their lives according to Romans 8:28, which says, “All things work together for good for those who love God and are called according to His purpose.” And without expectations from his wife, he continues to take appropriate responsibility in the home.

These are dads who are doing everything they can to let God change them into the men He created them to be, who step up to their role as fathers and become stronger men in the process, showing their children how to handle life’s challenges and failures. By seeking God and looking to Him for guidance, by humbly admitting mistakes, and honestly confronting their issues without blaming and being defensive, they become an example to their children of humble, honest, and godly manhood.

So this Father’s Day, I want to say thanks to the dad who rises up to become the man, the dad, and the husband God has called him to be, putting behind him the insecurities and failures of the past and pressing on to follow God and to be an example to his children of the power of God’s redemption.

And on this week of Father’s Day, I also have a message for those of us whose fathers are still alive and able to receive our love. Although mine has been gone for 25 years, my heart still yearns for the opportunity to redo my conversation the last time I spoke with him. We take certain things for granted and may not express our love today because we always figure we can do it tomorrow. But sometimes tomorrow doesn’t come. To read my article about my dad and me, you can read it on the website of Valley Living for the Whole Family Magazine. http://www.valleyliving.org/2014/05/words-unspoken/ The article is called, “Words Unspoken.”

Filed Under: Children, Divorce, Fathers, Feeling unworthy, Goals and Resolutions, Marital separation, New Directions Tagged With: children, difficult life, Fathers, hard times, marital separation, seeking answers

A Little Less of This . . . A Little More of That

May 23, 2014 by Linda Rooks Leave a Comment

Tweaking an Out-of-Balance Marriage

Eddie loved to joke around and brought a fun spirit into every gathering. Jeanne loved to laugh but probed deeply into every decision with a serious mindset. When they met, the two were immediately attracted to the strengths of the other. Jeanne enjoyed a new frivolity in herself she’d never experienced, and Eddie appreciated the new-found depth of conversation. After a few years of marriage however, Eddie’s goofball ways began to get on Jeanne’s nerves, and Eddie wondered where his fun-loving wife had gone. He wanted her to lighten up. A rift grew between them, and their marriage hit a rough patch.

As Jeanne sought the Lord for answers and examined herself, God’s peace lightened her spirit and grew a sweet confidence in her. She began to add some light and humorous moments into their times together. As God began to work in both their hearts, Eddie began going deeper in his spiritual life and took a closer look at his wife. Their softer and gentler approach to one another brought them back together in a meaningful way, and they found their love reborn.

A Marriage Unravels

When a marriage begins to unravel, husbands and wives often try to blame each other. The core problem, however, may not be anyone’s fault. In many cases, it’s simply a matter of finding the right balance in daily interactions. In fact, when we really get honest with ourselves, it may be that each of us just needs a little less of this and a little more of that.

Our personality types, emotional make-ups, and past experiences often cause us to lean heavily on certain character strengths or relationship skills that have worked for us in the past and helped us achieve our goals. These qualities may have even served as an asset in the early stages of attraction to one another.

In a marriage, however, those strengths, when pushed too far over a span of years, can become weaknesses, building tension between husband and wife until eventually a chasm develops.

At this point, a little self-examination might show us ways to tweak our attitudes and actions so we can find a better balance. Since opposites attract, quite possibly both spouses need to make adjustments.

If your marriage seems to be on a downhill slide, see if you can find yourself on the list of opposites below. Perhaps it can help you break the fall.

A Little Bit of Tweaking

· If you’ve been too serious, try to be more lighthearted. Change the pace with humor to throw in some comic relief. If you’re the jokester, start listening more and look at the serious side of things.
· If you’ve been withdrawn, become more assertive in expressing your thoughts and ideas. If you’ve been too assertive, start holding your tongue before speaking.
· If you’ve been judgmental and critical, begin to compliment. If you’ve been compliant and passive, start thinking about and expressing what you want and need.
· If you’ve been the pursuer, give your spouse more space. If you’ve been too distant, reach out in positive ways to communicate and affirm.
· If you depend too much on your spouse to make you happy, think of ways to nurture yourself. If you spend a significant amount of time on your own pleasure, start thinking of ways to please your spouse.

Because we identify these tendencies as such a part of our personalities, we don’t see the negative impact they have on our relationship. But when we take some serious time to humbly look at ourselves and ask God for wisdom and insight, we may discover that saving our marriage doesn’t require us to become different people—we simply need to balance a little less of this and a little more of that.

Search me, God, and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts. Psalm 139:23

Filed Under: Marital separation, marriage, Marriage problems, New Directions, Uncategorized Tagged With: marital separation, marriage in crisis, seeking answers, troubled marriage

Divine Inconveniences

February 26, 2014 by Linda Rooks 2 Comments

EVERY NOW AND THEN A SET OF “COINCIDENCES” HAPPEN that makes me gape in wonder at the loving God who orchestrates little details of an afternoon so that someone can find healing for a broken heart. Often it happens through a series of inconveniences that God allows, which prevents us from doing things according to our own plan, but works together for His. And then after my fretting and complaining about the inconvenience, I have to chuckle at my own naiveté and lack of understanding about the ways of God. OF COURSE, he’s using all these things for His purposes. He’s told us He’s doing that. But again and again we’re surprised.

But after the surprise, comes the wonder, the joy, and the knowledge that God is in control.

It Happened to Me

This happened to me one year at the International Christian Retailing Show, an event where publishers exhibit their books, and bookstore owners come to buy. Authors like me sometimes go also to meet with editors and submit book proposals.

After spending the day tromping up and down the long aisles of the Convention Center for a number of appointments and meetings, my high heels pinched at my toes, and my legs ached. I had just finished meeting with an editor of a publishing company about my latest book project, and now I was worn-out and ready for a break. It seemed a good time to phone my husband back too as we’d been missing each others’ calls all day.

Spotting a lone bench at the periphery of the booths, I made my way toward it and was about to sit down when I realized I was missing my purse. Speculating I had left it at the booth where I had just had my last appointment. I wearily wound my way back through the aisles, and, sure enough, discovered my purse next to the seat where I’d been sitting.

I retrieved it and made my way back to the bench only to find someone else sitting there. More fatigued than ever, I wandered down several more aisles, looking for a place to rest until I finally found another vacant bench. I sat and called my husband. He didn’t answer.

A Chance Encounter

A woman sat down beside me, and just to make conversation, I asked her if she owned a bookstore since that was generally true of most of the people there. She said she did and asked if I was a bookstore owner too. When I said I was an author, she asked what I’d written, but before I could give her an answer, my cell phone rang. It was my husband. Not wanting to miss him again, I told her I needed to answer the call but she was welcome to look at my book. Then I grabbed a copy of Broken Heart on Hold from my bag and handed it to her.

As I spoke to my husband, I noticed the woman poring over the book, reading the back copy and the table of contents, flipping through the pages, and perusing several selections.

When I hung up the phone, the woman turned to me and said with great delight and a sense of amazement. “This is the book I’ve been looking for.”

Puzzled by her comment, I asked her what she meant.

Before she came to the retail show, she explained, a woman had come into her bookstore looking for a book to help her cope spiritually with her situation and offer encouragement. Her husband had left her, and she was devastated.

The bookstore owner told her she didn’t know of such a book, but since she was going soon to the retail show where every Christian publisher displayed their books, she promised to find what the woman needed. Then she prayed to be able to fulfill her promise. Unhappily though, as she went from one publisher’s booth to another, she had not as yet found anything appropriate.

And so God orchestrated the strange maneuverings of our chance encounter, with me forgetting my purse, having sore feet, and not finding a place to sit, then beginning an offhand conversation with a stranger, which was interrupted by a phone call from my husband. All of this resulted in my responding to her question by handing her my book.

On her end, as she had approached the bench where I was sitting, she intended to take the seat behind me, but when someone intervened to take it first, she instead sat next to me where she “just happened” to discover the book she was praying to find.

So at the end of the day, a heart found help for healing, and I was reminded never to underestimate how intimately God’s love works in our lives to bind up the wounds of the brokenhearted.

“Look at the birds of the sky; they don’t sow or reap or gather into barns, yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Aren’t you worth more than they?” Matt 6:26

“For we know that all things work together for good for those who love God and are called according to His purpose.” Romans 8:28

Filed Under: Love, Marital separation, Prayer, Trusting God, Uncategorized, Where is God? Tagged With: coincidence, Feeling lost, God's love, inconveniences, irritations, marital separation, marriage in crisis, trust, weariness

Ring of Power and Letting Go

February 19, 2014 by Linda Rooks 18 Comments

Recently I sat at a table having dessert with four women who are presently in different stages of transition after marital crisis, some in recovery, others experiencing continued uncertainty and/or upheaval. One of the women whose marriage had made tremendous progress toward healing, began talking about the importance of “letting go,” a subject I also talk about frequently.

The young woman beside me knit her brow with a perplexed expression and frowned. “I get right to the point of being able to let go,” she said, pinching her fingers together as though about to drop something, “and then . . . I just can’t do it.”

The woman next to her nodded. “That’s right. Me too. That’s how I am.”

An Image from The Lord of the Rings

My husband Marv and I had recently watched all three DVD’s of The Lord of the Rings movie, and as my friend spoke, my mind immediately conjured up the image of Frodo standing on the cliff at the end of the movie. He holds his hand over the edge of the precipice with the ring dangling at the end of the chain. Beneath, is the raging fire which has been his destination all through the movie. It is the one place where he can release the ring, see it destroyed, and with it destroy the evil that is taking over Middle Earth. All he has to do is release the ring, and freedom can reign once again.

“That reminds me of the ending of The Lord of the Rings,” I said. “All through the movie Frodo has been besieged by the evil that the ring has brought to Middle Earth. He has witnessed again and again the destructive power of the ring and how it corrupts those who lust over it. He’s seen the damage, the death, the devastation that it causes. And with amazing strength of character, he has persevered through all of that. He’s survived the struggle, the hardship, the temptation. He’s been willing to traverse the darkest lands and oppressive terrains and he’s endured the threats of horrendous creatures in order to get to the mountain where he can destroy the evil. But when he gets to the very end, when he’s finally there, he stands at the edge of the cliff, dangling the ring at the end of the chain. He stares at it, but can’t let go.

Sam yells to him, “Let it GO! Just let GO!”

But he can’t.

The seductive power of the ring has taken hold.”

The Trouble with Surrendering

As we continued to talk that evening, I shared with my friends how The Lord of the Rings presents a perfect visual image of the struggle we have with surrendering everything to God.

Like Frodo, we don’t want to lose control. The ring of power holds us captive. Even though it means the sinful nature will reign instead of God’s will, we can’t put it all in God’s hands. The desire to be in control holds sway over us—especially when we’re afraid that if we let go, God might not do what we want Him to do.

How many times have I seen or heard from a woman or man whose greatest desire is to reunite with their spouse? They’ve gone through the anguish, they’ve suffered hardship to get things to change. But they are unable to surrender to God to let Him take care of it. We want to do it by ourselves, even though our own methods have already failed. We somehow think if we think about it enough, talk about it enough, remind our spouse enough times, things will somehow change. We’re locked in a pattern where we keep repeating the same actions. We’re traveling in circles, or worse, we’re pushing our spouse further away. We’re afraid if we put it n God’s hands, He’ll do something we won’t like. The fear of losing control, the desire to do it our own way keeps us in bondage. We can’t let go.

But God, who created us, who created our world, who is omnipotent and sees everything . . . understands what is happening; He has answers we don’t have. He knows our spouse inside and out, just like he also knows us. He can “work all things together for good to those who love Him and are called according to His purpose*” if we can surrender it all to Him and let go of having to control it ourselves.

First, however, we have to summon the inner strength to follow through so we can let go and trust Him. He is the Good that will banish evil. He is the Light that will shine in the darkness. He is the Word of God who will enlighten our understanding and point us in the right direction.

So as we stand on that precipice, holding that ring of power, we have to have the will, the faith, the strength to let it go.

Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make your paths straight.” Proverbs 3: 5-6

Seek first the kingdom of God and his righteousness and all these things will be added unto you. Mathew 6:33

*(Rom. 8:28)

Filed Under: Doubt, Fear, How to win, Letting go, Marital separation, Marriage problems, Surrendering to God, Trusting God, unanswered prayers, Uncategorized Tagged With: faith, fear, Feeling lost, letting go, Lord of the Rings, marriage in crisis, troubled marriage, trust, unanswered prayers, what to do

Whose Battle?

January 29, 2014 by Linda Rooks 3 Comments

BATTLES ARE AN INHERENT PART OF OUR LIVES. We often seem to be in one kind of struggle or another. Maybe it’s a financial battle, or we may be fighting for our health or our very lives. Perhaps we’re fighting to save our marriage or to find peace and resolution in the midst of a chaotic situation or hostile relationship. Maybe it’s a battle to save ourselves from depression or addiction. Right now I’m battling my computer that wants to gobble up my email files and leave me without the resources to communicate with my readers. Technology seems to be a persistent battlefield for me.

How do we fight these battles? More importantly, how do we win them?

Natural Inclinations

Instinctively, we want to lash out, to fight the battle in our own strength. That is our default mode—our natural inclination, or what God calls our “flesh.”

In Jesus Calling, we hear God’s voice through the words of Sarah Young who pens, “Give up the illusion that you deserve a problem-free life. Part of you is still hungering for the resolution of all difficulties. This is a false hope!” And then she refers her readers to John 16:3 where Jesus told his disciples, ‘in the world you will have trouble.’”

So how do we deal with these troubles? How do we fight the battles?

Before David defeated the giant Goliath, he declared, “The battle is the Lord’s.” (1 Samuel 17:47) When King Jehosophat was forced to do battle against a vast army, the Lord said to him, “Do not be afraid or discouraged because of this vast army. For the battle is not yours, but God’s.” (2 Chronicles 20:15).

Time and again we read stories in the Old Testament where God-fearing kings and leaders were triumphant in battle despite enormous odds against them. Not only Jehosophat, but Hezekiah, Asa, and others were each besieged by armies much larger than theirs, and yet they easily won the battle.

Why?

The Winning Strategy

Jehosophat fasted and prayed to the Lord. He called his people together, and they praised God for the splendor of His holiness, proclaiming that “His love endures forever.” “As they began to sing and praise, the Lord set ambushes against the men of Ammon and Moab and Mount Sier who were invading Judah, and they were defeated.” (2 Chronicles 20:22)

Hezekiah’s first act as king was to purify the temple and call the people to worship the Lord. Afterwards, when an enormous army from Assyria came against him, he “cried out in prayer to heaven . . . and the Lord sent an angel who annihilated all the fighting men and the leaders and officers in the camp of the Assyrian king.” (2 Chronicles 32:20-21).

When the huge army of the Cushites came against king Asa, he “called to the Lord his God and said, “’Lord, there is no one like you to help the powerless against the mighty. Help us, O Lord our God, for we rely on you and in your name we have come against this vast army. O Lord, you are our God; do not let men prevail against you.’ The Lord struck down the Cushites before Asa and Judah.’” (2 Chronicles 14:11)

Last week, in Janet’s story of victory over a dying marriage, God called her to fast and pray before she had even a glimpse of how the story would end. She was obedient, and throughout this time the Lord told her to continue to hold on. She praised God—even when her situation looked increasingly hopeless. She did spiritual battle—not against her husband, but against the spiritual enemies that were trying to destroy him and their marriage. She acknowledged that the battle was the Lord’s. She humbled herself to surrender the situation to God. Instead of trying to understand what she should do or what God would do, she left it in the hands of her mighty God whose “ways are higher than” our own. (Isaiah 55:8-9)

And God prevailed. The enemy lost. Her husband’s heart returned to her, and her marriage was restored.

When we find ourselves locked in conflict and nothing is resolved, it may be that we misunderstand the nature of the battle. While we run skirmshes with bows and arrows, the enemy of our souls is shooting missles. War rages in heavenly places, but we engage in futile maneuvers that simply move the conflict from one turf to another. God’s powerful weapons can demolish Satan’s strongholds, but we, as His children, need to give Him the reins of power so He can do it. He won’t take them from us; it’s up to us to relinquish them freely into His hands.

If the battle is truly the Lord’s, it makes sense to do as these righteous kings of Judah did, surrendering everything to God, obeying even when it doesn’t make sense, and praising God when our situation seems hopeless and victory looks impossible. Most of all, we need to lay our hearts out before Him with whole-hearted humility and trust.

If you would like to understand more about spiritual warfare, check out the 100 Huntley Street interview segments below, in which Moira Brown interviews Neil T. Anderson, author of The Bondage Breaker.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2ESddXkBAfg

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=z0HVd7iQ-vk

Let us shout our praises to God. Let us come into His presence with singing. Our God holds victory in His hands.

Filed Under: Battles, Conflict, How to win, Marital separation, marriage, Prayer, spiritual warfare, unanswered prayers Tagged With: addiction, battles, conflicts, depression, fasting, praise, spiritual warfare, troubled marriage, unanswered prayer