What is the number one reason for divorce? Author Cindi McMenamin says divorce is most frequently caused by the existence of an emotional disconnect between husband and wife. And in our interview today, Cindi says the failure to know how to communicate brings this about. In her new book, 12 Ways to Experience More with Your Husband, Cindi shows wives how to renew and re-glue the relationships with their husbands and reignite the joy they once shared. Cindi is a national women’s speaker and author of 17 books, including When God sees Your Tears. She and her husband Hugh also co-authored When Couples Walk Together: 31 Days to a Closer Connection. I pray you find encouragement from my interview with her today.
Linda: What inspired you to write this book?
Cindi: After finding a stack of love letters from my husband that were nearly 30 years old, I realized I hadn’t received one of those from him in years. And then I realized that I was, in many ways, no longer the same woman to whom my husband had written those romantic, endearing words. I realized if I became that woman once again and treated him the way I once did, perhaps he’d speak or write to me the way he once did. As I shared my journey to recapture my husband’s heart in conversations with women, I realized they, too, wanted to know how to experience more joy, trust, and passion in their marriages. Also, I receive so many emails from women asking for help in their marriages so I wanted to provide a resource to give wives tangible ways to keep him first, switch it up, close the gap, and stick it out (those are a few of my chapter titles, by the way.)
Linda: What surprised you the most during the research and writing of your book?
Cindi: I was surprised to discover that today the No. 1 reason cited for divorce is an emotional disconnect, resulting from a failure to communicate (or communicating poorly). A decade ago it was infidelity. Today, it’s an inability to communicate effectively with one’s spouse. That’s a workable situation and my book gives wives practical ways to close those emotional and communication gaps.
Linda: Tell me what you’ve discovered about ways to narrow that emotional gap between a husband and wife?
Cindi: Simply taking the time to reconnect with one another can do wonders for a marriage. Invest in your time together. Attend a marriage conference, plan a getaway for the two of you, or take the initiative to set aside time at least once a month for a date night. The more you make your husband a priority the more you will start to close the gap that has developed between the two of you out of neglect, disinterest, or distrust.
Linda: In your chapter “Think It Through” you talk about gaining a “new wife” mindset. Please explain that.
Cindi: Every wife wants her husband to treat her the way he once did. But how did she once treat her husband? I started looking at the Song of Songs in the Bible, which is a wedding song, and it contains intimate dialog between a husband and a wife. It shows us how a wife refers to her new husband, and how she addresses him directly. I point out several principles this new wife put into practice toward her husband, and it helps me understand why it is he cherished her so much. I believe that if wives today start talking like this new bride addressed Solomon, their husbands would be more likely to start treating them as their cherished bride once again.
Linda: How can we let offenses go so they don’t deteriorate the marriage?
Cindi: First, we must identify what triggers pain in our own life and then surrender that pain to God, who is the only One who can heal it. When we know our true identity – that we are a loved, cherished child of God – we can combat the lies we tend to hear when our husbands might say something that 
triggers some pain from our past, some insecurity we have, or some offense we haven’t yet given to God. Once we know who we are in God’s eyes and have surrendered our pain to Him, we can practice grace and forgiveness toward our husbands, realizing they are not trying to hurt or offend us. Most of the time our own wounds and baggage from the past keeps us in a place of pain and our husbands have no clue what we are hurting about.
Linda: You have a chapter called “Keep Him First.” What are some of the ways a wife fails to prioritize her husband?
Cindi: It’s easy for wives to start putting their husbands second next to their work schedules, next to the kids, and next to their friends or hobbies. Your husband needs to know he is your first earthly priority, otherwise he will feel last. In my book, I make the clarification that ultimately our relationship with God must come first. When it does, we will more easily prioritize our husband over other earthly priorities.
You can start prioritizing your husband by creating quality moments for the two of you, considering his needs above anyone else’s, and committing to weekly time together. Our goal as moms is to get our kids to eventually leave home and have a life of their own. However, our goal as wives is to keep our husbands for life. We can inadvertently be preparing the way out the door for them, too, if we aren’t investing in our marriage while we are raising our kids.
Linda: You talk about “switching it up” in your book. Tell me more about this. What is one way a wife can “switch it up” at home?
Cindi: We can switch things up by treating our husbands as guests in their own homes. Think about it. We show such hospitality to others, but we expect our own family members and our husband in particular to clean up after himself, don’t make a mess, take the garbage out, and so on. What if we treated him, every once in awhile, as a guest who was worthy of our attention and hospitality My sister in law shared with me that when she went to a health spa she read a sign over the door that said “Leave your baggage at the door. This is a place of peace and rest.” How our marriages would improve if we had that philosophy about our own homes.
Linda: How has God used the message of your book in your own life?
Cindi: When I started practicing the “new wife” concept in chapter 2 that God laid on my heart– becoming the woman I once was when we first married – it transformed my marriage. As I started treating my husband like a new groom, he fell in love with me all over again. I learned from that experience that I can’t just wait for him to change or feel a different way toward me. The change needed to start with me.
Linda: What’s your favorite section in this book?
Cindi: In my chapter “Close the Gap,” my husband wrote a sidebar called “Don’t Skip the Small Print” in which he “decodes” for wives what their husbands really mean when they say things that their wives misinterpret or misunderstand. That’s been helpful to so many readers already.
Linda: What advice do you have for the wife who feels that perhaps it’s too late for her marriage because too much damage has been done?
Cindi: Nothing is impossible if you know the God of the Impossible. Nothing is unfixable if you know the God who can redeem and renew all things. Be willing to start with you and tell God you are willing to do whatever it takes—within reason—to be the kind of wife your husband needs. God will bless those efforts. Aim to be a person of forgiveness and see what God can do with the two of you.
Linda: Where can readers find out more about you, your books, and your speaking?
Cindi: You can visit my website at www.StrengthForTheSoul.com to find my newest book, 12 Ways to Experience More with Your Husband: More Trust. More Passion. More Communication, and other resources to help your walk with God, your marriage, and your parenting.
