Marriage Archives - Page 3 of 6 - Heart Talk with Linda Rooks

My Word for 2020

January 19, 2020 by Linda Rooks Leave a Comment

Photo by Ben White

Have you chosen a “word” for the year 2020?

Each New Year many people choose a word to give them focus and inspiration for the year ahead. Often, it’s a word to motivate them with a theme, a new direction, a filter for decision making, or a word that lifts their spirits.

This year, I decided to focus on a word that is more self-improvement in nature to fine-tune the way I communicate with my husband. That word is “tone.”

Have you ever said something to your spouse that seems perfectly innocent, only to receive a negative reaction that catches you completely by surprise? “Why did that make him angry or annoyed? Why is she so upset? I only said . . . . . (fill in the blank.)

I’ve become more and more aware lately of how my tone of voice can distort my intended meaning in conversations with my husband. Sometimes my tone becomes elevated (a nice way of saying “louder” or “higher”.) Other times the added emphasis I put on a certain word sends an unintended message of displeasure.

Take the question, “Why did you do that?” Consider the following differences in how this simple question can be interpreted depending on the tone of voice.

Perhaps you are working on a project together. You are struggling to get something right when your partner switches direction and does it differently. You’re not sure what he is trying to do. And you say, “Hmmm. Why did you do that?” An honest question, looking for an honest answer.

But if you’re inwardly questioning his decision to switch directions, you might say it in one of the following ways:

Why did you do THAT?

Why DID you do that?

W-H-Y did you do THAT?

Why did you DO that?

Or simply, Why did you do that?”

Or, if he/she did something different that created a mess, you might say it this way. WHY DID YOU DO THAT? (yelling.)

The words are the same, but the tone of voice makes a difference in the way your spouse perceives what you say, and a difference in the way he or she may respond to you. Tone of voice can make the words sound angry, sarcastic, whining, arrogant, disrespectful, belittling, irritable, nagging, annoyed and more. And that difference can create tension and discord between you. You may find yourselves arguing –- not about a difference of opinion—but about the perception one of you has about the intentions of the other –- because of your tone of voice.

My husband and I have realized in recent weeks that tone of voice can sometimes stir up negative feelings or even conflict between us. I might think he sounds irritable even though his words are innocent. And in other instances, he hears disapproval in my tone of voice even though my actual words don’t convey that message at all. One of the silliest mind-sets, shared by both my husband and myself is that neither of us wants to cause stress or inconvenience to the other, and when we think we have, we can sometimes sound defensive.

For instance, I am writing this late at night. Since my husband was asleep, I shut my office door so I wouldn’t awaken him. Consequently, when he poked his head in the door a few minutes ago and said, “Hi,” I immediately thought I woke him up.

I quickly turned toward him and asked, “Why are you up?” I was annoyed at myself for having possibly awakened him, but my tone of voice may have implied I was annoyed with him. Actually, I didn’t wake him up at all. He was thirsty and wanted a drink. See how silly conflicts can begin? Fortunately, I think I was more aware of my tone of voice than he was—since that’s my focus word for the year—so all is good. But that is an example of how it can begin.

So in 2020, I intend to think about “tone.” That is my word. What unintended message do my words convey because of my tone of voice? How can I modify my voice so it conveys love and respect without allowing fleeting emotions to warp my words? I want my speech to be soothing and uplifting, encouraging and respectful. Being aware of my tone of voice can hopefully make that happen.

Proverbs 15:1 says, “A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger.” And Proverbs 16:24 reminds us that, “Pleasant words are a honeycomb, sweet to the soul and healing to the bones.”

If you struggle with this as well, you might want to join me in praying this prayer from Psalm 141:3. “Set a guard over my mouth, O Lord, Keep watch over the door of my lips.”

What is your word for the year? I’d love to hear about it.

* * *

If you are struggling through a rough time in your marriage and your spouse is unresponsive to your efforts to make things better, check out my award winning new book, Fighting for Your Marriage while Separated. Although a true separation happens when you and your spouse live in separate households, some separations also take place within the same residence. This book can help in either case.

Filed Under: Conflict, How to win, Love, marriage, Marriage problems, mistakes, New Years, Uncategorized Tagged With: communication, conflicts, marital reconciliation, Marriage, marriage in crisis, seeking answers, troubled marriage, word for the year

Marriage 911 – Interview with Founders, Joe and Michelle Williams

January 8, 2020 by Linda Rooks 1 Comment

Where do you find help when your marriage is in crisis? Who do you turn to?

Many of you reading this blog know that my husband Marv and I have been leading a Marriage 911 class in our church for many years and have seen many, many marriages healed and restored. But you may not know the couple behind Marriage 911 who God has used in a powerful way to create this amazing program. So let me introduce you to Joe and Michelle Williams so you can hear their story of how this ministry helps marriages and how it unfolded in such a unique and effective way to bring about reconciliation for so many couples.

Linda: Michelle, tell us what lead you to start Marriage 911 God’s Way? When and how did it start?

Michelle: Joe and I were separated for two years in the late 1980’s. When we finally reconciled we discovered that the couples in our large evangelical church, who were secretly struggling in their marriages, felt comfortable reaching out to us. They wanted help.

For instance, one of the women on staff admitted to me one day that she felt her marriage was in crisis but she was afraid that if she told anyone, her job might be in jeopardy. This led me to ask if she wanted to meet on her lunch hour and I would take her through a workbook that we were putting together for marriages in crisis. She agreed, and this setting resulted in the support partner aspect of our ministry.

Linda: That’s awesome. So you began to meet with some women. Did you get the husbands involved also?

Joe: I knew a few guys in our church who thought they had to pretend all was well at home or their wife would be upset with them. When I started having coffee with them one-on-one they really opened up. Once Michelle and I talked more about it, we decided that maybe separating the men and women into small discussion groups in a classroom setting might be the answer. When we discussed this with one of our pastors, it led to us being asked to help start a reconciliation ministry, which we called “Reconciling God’s Way—now called Marriage 911 God’s Way”.

Linda: How did you go about putting the course together?

Joe: We continued to meet privately and also in small group settings (separating the men and women) and being very strategic in sticking to questions which helped them do three things over a 12-week period:

Change their focus from their spouse and start working on a deeper relationship with God, and also self-nurturing in order to take the pressure off their spouse meeting all their needs.
Work on issues such as anger, honesty, and fear-based relationships by implementing biblical principles and practicing tools to help them make lasting changes—regardless of their spouse’s behavior
Put a plan together as to how to move forward after the 12 weeks were over. Serving in a ministry alone or with their spouse, or taking additional classes or getting more counseling.

Linda: So you started the class in your church. But how did it end up being duplicated in other churches?

Michelle: When a national syndicated columnist, Mike McManus, visited our church in 1997, to celebrate the 10 year anniversary of signing the first national marriage covenant in our hometown of Modesto, California, he loved what we had created to help crisis marriages. He invited us to speak at a Smart Marriage Conference in Washington, DC, in 1997, and our local ministry became national almost overnight. Over 100 pastors approached us that weekend and asked how to start their own ministry. This led to us creating a more detailed leader’s kit, helping churches to do their own Reconciling God’s Way ministry for people in a crisis marriage.

Linda: Many of our ministries began because of problems we have experienced ourselves. I know this is true of you as well. Can you tell us a little about that?

Michelle: When we were asked to speak at that conference in Washington, D.C. in 1997, we gave our testimony as to how in our own marriage crisis the pastors and people on staff seemed to either ignore our pleas for help, or act as if they didn’t care. Later, after we reconciled, we realized that their behavior was only a result of them not knowing what to do.

The main problem we had in our own marriage was that our focus was always on each other instead of the Lord. We tried to control, fix, correct, and micro-manage each other. We had unrealistic expectations, and our happiness was dependent on the behavior of each of us, rather than God. These expectations led to our placing too much demands on others to “fix” our marriage. We tried to attend marriage seminars but this only made things worse since the speaker would send us home to do exercises as a couple and we were never able to stop arguing long enough to get anything accomplished.

Once we were separated, but not necessarily seeking a divorce, each of us was left to work on the marriage without the help or expectation of the other. This alone time is what God used in our lives to create the 27 tools that eventually ended up being in our workbook. Each tool is used individually, and does not depend on couples in order to accomplish change in the marriage.

Linda: That seems like a revolutionary idea! And in my own experience in working with Marriage 911 I’ve seen what a powerful approach that is. So tell us what is the purpose of Marriage 911 God’s Way ministry?

Michelle: Once we started seeing couples reconciling who seemed as hopeless as we had been, our hearts began to move more to expanding the ministry to even more churches so that more marriages could be saved. While not all marriages are saved, the purpose of the 12-week class and workbook is to provide tools and support to the person who wants to work on the marriage but feels hopeless.

During the 12 weeks, each spouse will learn ways to deal with Focus, Heart Attitude, and Hope, God’s Way—even if their spouse is unwilling to do their part. The support partner aspect of the ministry provides additional prayer and accountability. Many of the churches who have our ministry in place just keep the workbook and support partner book on hand at all times so that if someone calls for help, they can get started immediately rather than waiting for a class or small group to start. The person just gets a support partner, or the church has ready mentors/support partners available to help one on one.

Joe: It’s pretty bad when a guy contacts me to say that his church doesn’t have anything at all in place for crisis marriages. I tell the guy to get the workbook and ask another man to be his support partner and get started. Then I let him know that once he has come through his own crisis, he can be the one to help another guy. One time a guy called me back and said, “ I just wanted to let you know that I asked an older gentleman to be my support partner, and he answered back, ‘I’ve been attending this church for 15 years and you’re the first person to ask me to do anything! Yes, I will!’”

Michelle: Another purpose of our ministry is to give those who might have felt unworthy due to divorce or marriage problems a place to serve. God uses people who have been broken in certain areas to help others who need someone that can relate. Our ministry is much like AA or Celebrate Recovery in the sense that once a person comes through their own crisis, they need a place to give back.

Linda: How is Marriage 911 different from other marriage ministries?

This ministry and all of the resources are not dependent on whether or not both spouses want to participate. It is not a couple’s ministry. Men support men, and women support women, and each willing spouse learns to depend on God rather than their spouse for their happiness.

While there are plenty of marriage ministries across the U.S. and other countries, there are few that have a system in place to quickly provide what a couple or person in crisis needs. That’s why the marriage workbook is titled “Marriage 911: First Response”. Can you imagine dialing 911 in an emergency and having the person on the other line say, “I’m sorry, everyone is busy until spring?” We have created a way for an emergency marriage crisis to get the help they need immediately. All they have to do is order a workbook, support book, and watch our online videos and they can get the help they need while waiting for counseling or a class if that is needed.

Linda: What kinds of results have you seen? Can you share any stories about this?

Michelle: For people who go through the whole 12 weeks (even without their spouse), the results of their relationship with God being stronger, and having peace in their hearts is 100% better. While we get to hear success stories of saved marriages from many people, this ministry does not focus on saving the marriage as much as it focuses on each person growing in their relationship with God and with all people, including their spouse.

The best success stories are of those who not only reconcile their marriage, but also go on to help others. Recently we heard from one of our leaders in Washington State who shared this: “I had a phone call from a lady who went through our Marriage 911 class, and they have stayed together and are doing well. Not only that, but her husband decided he wants them to start their own Marriage 911 ministry! She calls me every few months just to check in and get some words of encouragement. Being her support partner has allowed me to experience God in a special way!”

Linda: Why should a church offer Marriage 911 to their congregation?

Michelle: We hear from men and women from all over the world who are looking for help in their local church for their crisis marriage. Most churches offer classes for engaged couples, seminars and retreats to build a healthier marriage, and divorce-recovery classes once a marriage ends…but few offer help and support for separated or crisis couples. That is the focus of what Marriage 911 provides.

Linda: What states/cities presently have a Marriage 911 class?

Joe: We presently have over 50 churches across the nation who offer the ministry. The cities that have the most active ministries are those in which the senior pastor promotes it from the pulpit or believes so strongly in it that he or she personally refers people. Some of the cities are: Branson, MO, Orlando, Fl, Tampa, Fl, Stockton, CA, Turlock, CA, Calgary, Canada, Mesa, Arizona, and several churches in Tennessee, and other cities in Florida.

Michelle: As we mentioned already, however, there are many churches who do not advertise or offer classes, but either send people to our website for help, or keep a few copies of the Marriage 911: First Response workbook and support partner handbook on their shelves or front desk so that when someone reaches out to their church for help, they have something ready.

My heart breaks when I think of that person sitting alone in their home, searching the Internet for help because their own church either doesn’t want to bother with a crisis marriage or just doesn’t know what to do and doesn’t take the time to ask for help. There should be a crisis marriage ministry in every city! Of course, we think Marriage 911 God’s Way is the easiest and least expensive way to offer it, but they at least need to offer something!

Joe: Once a church gets our leader’s kit (which costs less than one counseling appointment) they can get the workbooks in bulk at a 30% discount on our website, rather than going to Amazon…or they can send people directly to Amazon themselves and not have to spend a dime. Most couples don’t mind investing in a book that can be used over and over, and then used to help someone else as well! There’s no reason for people to feel alone and abandoned when they have a crisis marriage. The help is here.

Linda: If someone wants to start a Marriage 911 program in their church, how should they go about it?

Michelle: It’s easy to start a ministry. Just visit the website: Marriage911Godsway.com, and order a leader’s kit. We have a step-by-step plan in the leader’s guide, which explains how to start a small group or class, or use the resources one-on-one. The weekly videos on our website can be used in a small group or class, or the person can do it on their own. We have made it easy because we know that people need quick, easy access when they reach out to a church. We used to travel to churches to help them set up a ministry, but now that we have everything online, its so simple that we don’t need to do that anymore. This saves the church and our ministry time and money, and is much quicker for everyone.

Linda: If someone wants to attend, but there isn’t a Marriage 911 class nearby, is there an alternative?

Joe: We offer trained national support partners and online videos once a person orders any of our workbooks or book.

Linda: Where can people get more information about your ministry?

Michelle: For more information about how we started the ministry, and an overview of the contents of the Marriage 911: First Response workbook and other resources, they should visit our website at Marriage 911godsway.com. If they click the “weekly videos” link, they can hear more of our testimony and the testimony of others.

Watch this video where Joe and Michelle tell more about Marriage 911 at “Introduction and Overview of Section One: Where’s Your Focus?” at https://marriage911godsway.com/videos/

For those of you who live in Central Florida, my husband Marv and I will be starting a new Marriage 911 class on January 29. To learn more about the class and see how to sign up, visit https://lindarooks.com/speaking/

Filed Under: Conflict, Divorce, Interviews, Marital separation, marriage, Marriage problems, marriage resources, men & women, Reconciliation, Uncategorized Tagged With: divorce, marital reconciliation, marital separation, Marriage, marriage in crisis, Marriage resources, troubled marriage

Platinum Faith – Live Brilliant, Be Resilient, & Know Your Worth, Author Interview with Michelle Medlock Adams

December 5, 2019 by Linda Rooks Leave a Comment

When our faith is challenged in the midst of difficult circumstances, we may wonder if we have enough faith to keep moving forward to claim God’s promises. But according to author Michelle Medlock Adams, this may be our opportunity to grow “platinum faith.” Michelle, an award-winning journalist who has earned over 50 industry awards, is a NY Times best-selling ghostwriter and author with close to 4 million books sold. Her new book, Platinum Faith, shows readers how to live brilliant, be resilient, and know your worth. She joins me here to tell you more.

Linda: I’m intrigued with the title of your book, Platinum Faith. Can you tell us what you mean by platinum faith? What makes our faith ‘platinum’?

Michelle: Platinum exemplifies some of the most rare, useful qualities of all metals. It’s precious; it’s valuable; it’s malleable; it’s able to resist corrosion; it can withstand the heat; it has a heavy presence; it shines brightly; it’s able to bond easily and so much more. These characteristics are also favored qualities for those who desire to grow in their Christian faith. That’s why we have chosen to highlight twelve platinum properties, and how they relate to our walk of faith. More specifically, we delve into how they parallel our divine calling, our eternal value, and the unlimited love and blessings that He desires for us.

Each chapter features a platinum property, a promise, a platinum project, and a prayer. By combining meaningful stories from our own lives with truths from the Word of God, we challenge you to pursue platinum faith. #progressnotperfection

Platinum faith doesn’t mean perfect faith; it just means “all-in” faith. Though we might not walk in platinum faith every day, the Bible assures us that we all have a measure of faith, which means we all have the potential to grow our faith. And, that’s what this book is all about—growing closer to God and walking in confidence that your life is valuable and counts for God’s kingdom.

Linda: I know you went through some challenging times during the writing of this book. How did writing Platinum Faith increase your own faith?

Michelle: It was a difficult season. In fact, during the beginning stages of writing Platinum Faith, I received news that my 14-month-old grandson, Bear, was diagnosed with an inoperable brainstem tumor. Of course, when I received the news, I certainly didn’t feel full of faith. I felt full of fear. It was a turning point in my life, and I wrote about the struggle I had in the midst of facing this bad news. That’s in Chapter one which is called “All In Faith.” That’s the kind of faith you have to possess when you receive earth-shattering news. (Update: Bear is doing great. Every MRI since the original one in January has shown no change in the tumor at all, so the doctors believe that it’s benign. Praise the Lord.) But, during those seasons of bad news or difficult situations, you have to dig your heels in the Word of God and say, “I’m all in, Lord. I trust You. I have faith that You not only have all the answers, You are the answer!”

Bethany Jett, my co-author, and I both felt this was the hardest book we’ve ever written. Each chapter caused us to really seek God and come face-to-face with our own shortcomings. Writing a book about faith will cause you to take inventory of your own life. It was a humbling experience, and though it was difficult, I wouldn’t trade it for anything. I drew closer to God, closer to my coauthor, and it caused me to press into the things of God like never before.

Linda: Do the ideas behind Platinum Faith apply to marriage in any way?

Michelle: As any spouse will tell you, it takes all kinds of faith to have a happy, healthy marriage, especially in today’s world. The devil is after our families, so as women of faith, we need to pray—in faith—for our husbands and our children. What do I mean by “praying in faith”? I mean standing on those scriptures regarding your family and never giving up until you see the breakthroughs that you’re believing God to do in the lives of your loved ones.

Actually, every aspect of Platinum Faith that we cover such as: being malleable and being responsive and not reactive applies to marriage. It takes faith—platinum faith—to be in a healthy relationship, day in and day out. Let’s face it; marriage isn’t always easy, but I’ve been married to Jeff for over 28 years, and I’m thankful that we choose to see the best in each other and love one another on the good days and the not-so-good days. Faith and love go hand-in-hand. You really can’t have one without the other, and you’ll need both to have a healthy, happy marriage. When our youngest daughter battled anorexia; when my mom was dying of cancer; when Jeff’s father was in the nursing home; and so many other difficult situations that we’ve been through together—if we hadn’t had faith in God and faith in one another, we couldn’t have survived. But we did, and we continue to do so. This faith walk is a journey. It’s not a sprint, it’s a marathon, and some days, we can grow weary. But on those days, we can turn to our Heavenly Father and He will carry us.

Linda: Some of us are hard on ourselves and just don’t feel worthy of God’s love. I believe you address that in Platinum Faith. Does feeling unworthy affect our faith?

Michelle: Good question. One of the properties of platinum is that it’s so rare and valuable. We cover that in Chapter 4. I truly believe that until we grasp just how much our Father loves us and treasures us, it’s almost impossible to walk in faith. It’s hard to trust Him because we aren’t sure if He loves us. That’s why it’s so important to meditate on the scriptures that tell us just how much God loves us and values us—scriptures like Jeremiah 31:3 that says, “I have loved you with an everlasting love.” We need to see ourselves through our Heavenly Father’s eyes. Once you understand how valuable you are and know in your “knower” that God treasures you and has a plan for you, your faith will grow. Your joy level will increase. You won’t be moved by difficult circumstances because you’ll have faith in God, knowing He works all things for the good of those who love Him (Romans 8:28).

Linda: How do you walk in your calling when you feel overwhelmed to do what God is calling you to do?

Michelle: The good news is this: God never calls us without equipping us. But He also wants us to have dreams that are way bigger than we feel qualified to fulfill. If we could handle it all on our own without God, that wouldn’t take any faith at all. But, as we grow in our faith and learn His voice and follow after Him, we can accomplish much for the Kingdom.

Linda: I’ve heard you talk about having “Sassy Faith”—what is that?

Michelle: Yes, I often say, “It’s time to get your sassy faith on!” What I mean by that is this: it’s time to get up on the inside and walk in Platinum Faith. Remember the story of the synagogue ruler whose little girl had died? (Mark 5) After Jesus told the father not to be afraid and only believe, he went to the home of the little girl and took her hand and said: “Talitha koum” which means, “Little girl, I say to you, get up!” I think the Lord is saying that same thing to us—“Child of God, I say to you, get up!” Get up and get that sassy faith on! Stand on the Word of God. Believe that He has a plan for your life. Believe that He has called you and equipped you. And, when you’ve done everything else, stand. Stand in faith, knowing that God has got you! Sassy Faith is Platinum Faith, and we need all the sass we can get to do Kingdom work for such a time as this.

Linda: I love that! Tell me now, what would be the one thing—the most important thing—you want a reader to take away after reading your book?

Michelle: One thing…I guess it would be that God didn’t call us to have perfect faith. He says in His Word that we are attaining from glory to glory, so I would want people to know that it’s a journey of faith. The Bible tells us that we are all given a measure of faith, but let’s not settle there. Let’s strive for Platinum Faith. It’s about progress, not perfection.

Linda: One last question: you’ve written a number of adult books, but I know you’ve also written some award winning children’s books, including “C is for Christmas.” Since Christmas is right around the corner, some readers might like to see what else you have written. Where can people find out more about your books and ministry?

Michelle: Thank you for asking. Yes, I have written more than 60 children’s books. I love speaking into the lives of little ones. My holiday books include: “C is for Christmas” “What is Christmas?” and “Happy Birthday, Jesus!” I might mention that “What is Christmas?” is part of my award-winning “What is?” series with WorthyKids that also includes: “What is Easter?” “What is Thanksgiving” “What is Halloween?” and “What is America?”

In January, my book, “Cuddle-Up Prayers” debuts with WorthyKids, and I have another children’s book coming out in April called, “I Love You Bigger Than the Sky.”

You can find all of my books at www.michellemedlockadams.com or anywhere books are sold.

I love speaking at women’s conferences and philanthropic events, and readers can find me under “Michelle Medlock Adams” at womenspeakers.com to see my topics and listen to a sample of my speaking.

Filed Under: BOOKS, faith, God's goodness, Interviews, Knowing God, marriage, Time with God, Trusting God, Uncategorized Tagged With: author interview, Doubt, faith, Marriage, trust

How God Transformed Our Failing Marriage

November 20, 2019 by Linda Rooks Leave a Comment

Guest Post by Jennifer Slattery

Photo by Frank McKenna

Back when my husband proposed to me, I didn’t think about how hard marriage would be. Honestly I didn’t think at all. I was swept up in the romance as this sweet man knelt before me, rose in hand, promising to love me for the rest of his life. Actually I’m not sure he even said that. If my memory is correct, he asked, “Do you want to marry me,” and I said yes. We didn’t talk about commitment, the strain of merging two very diverse lives, or any of the other problems we came to face after.

I was young, naïve, and had no idea the work, humility, and the growth it would require to join two lives. I also didn’t realize how completely ill-equipped and ill-prepared I was. I discovered very quickly through a nearly failed marriage that I couldn’t love my husband well in my own wisdom and strength. Half the time, I didn’t even have the gumption to try. I was too focused on myself, too filled with pride and insecurity, to create the type of relationship I longed for.

Although I tried. I followed plans and read books and cajoled and pestered and begged. And prayed, oh, I did a lot of praying—that God would change my husband. Because, you see, I was convinced our mess was entirely his fault. If only he weren’t so selfish or prideful or distracted, if only he spent more time at home, or talked more. . . . I had quite a list, one I perpetually reviewed but we never seemed to progress toward resolving.

Eventually, in fact, before my daughter‘s fourth birthday, my husband and I found ourselves sitting in a divorce lawyers office, ready to end it all. Neither one of us wanted to be there, but we hadn’t a clue how to unravel the tangle of hurt and distrust we’d created in our now failing marriage.

That evening, I left frustrated with myself, with the the state of our failing marriage, with the prospect of a shattered family, and angry with God. I knew divorce wasn’t His will. Therefore, I determined He wanted me to remain miserable for the rest of my life.

A few nights later, while my husband worked the graveyard shift and my daughter lay upstairs sleeping, I sat in a dark, silent living room, feeling completely alone. Not just alone, but trapped in my loneliness. “God, I give up,” I said. “I can’t do this anymore.”

Though at the time my words were more flippant than heartfelt, God answered, and He began to turn things around. He helped me connect with some strong Christian women—and disconnect from some perpetually unhappy ones who soured the way I viewed my life. But even more importantly, He drew me closer to Himself and shifted my focus off my husband and my failing marriage and onto Christ and myself.

First, He zeroed my gaze on my Savior. He reminded me of the depth of His love and care, of what He’d endured for me. In this, He helped me understand I was to love my husband, first and foremost, out of love for Him. On particularly tense days, when our arguments seemed to outnumber our smiles, I may not have felt my husband deserved anything from me, but Christ deserved my all, my full surrender.

Second, He showed me all the transformational work He longed to do within me. As I sat there in His presence, my heart laid bear before Him, He spoke tenderly to my soul—words of wisdom and insight, and often, conviction. In the light of His grace, as I began to set all my finger pointing aside, clarity came. I realized, yes, my husband had room to grow, but so did I.

God wanted me to focus on growing into the wife and mother He created me to be, entrusting my husband to Him.

And so I did. Surrendering my hurt, my wisdom, and my husband to my Father wasn’t easy, but it was freeing. And healing. Healing for me and our marriage. The more I released my grip, it seemed, the more of God’s power was unleashed within me.

The power to hold my tongue when angry words fought to come out.

The power to see good when everything around me felt hard.

The power to forgive when seeds of bitterness tried to grow.

The power to trust.

The power to love.

The power to hope.

That was over twenty years ago, and God has done amazing things within each of our hearts. I can honestly say, we’re closer than we’ve ever been. Those arguments that used to occur daily are now rare, and they are much shorter lived. The hurt? Gone. And in its place, love—enduring, inconquerable, love. Not because we said or did the right thing or figured this whole relationship dance out, but rather because we surrendered to the One who had. The One who formed us, who loved us, and fought for us.

Can you identify with Jennifer? If you feel you have a failing marriage, what steps do you feel God wants you to take next?

Jennifer Slattery is a writer and international speaker with a passion for helping women discover, embrace, and live out who they are in Christ. As the founder of Wholly Love Ministries, she and her team partner with churches to facilitate events designed to help women rest in their true worth and live with maximum impact. She maintains a devotional blog found at Jennifer Slattery Lives Out Loud and on Crosswalk. Connect with her on Facebook, Instagram, and Twitter. When not writing, reading, or editing, Jennifer loves going on mall dates with her adult daughter and coffee dates with her hilariously fun husband. Contact her HERE to book her for your next women’s event.

Hometown Healing:by Jennifer Slattery – She’s home again, but not for long…
Unless this cowboy recaptures her heart

If you have a failing marriage, find hope and help in my new book, Fighting for Your Marriage while Separated, A Practical Guide for the Brokenhearted. by Linda W. Rooks.

Filed Under: disappointment, Expectations, Letting go, Love, marriage, Marriage problems, New Directions, Reconciliation, Surrendering to God, Uncategorized Tagged With: Feeling lost, hope, Love, marital reconciliation, Marriage, marriage in crisis, seeking answers, troubled marriage, what to do

16 Marriage Resources to Help Hurting Marriages

November 14, 2019 by Linda Rooks Leave a Comment

Photo by Amanda SixSmith

Years ago when my marriage began to fall apart, I felt lost. I didn’t know where to turn for help. It was an uncharted path for me as I know it is for many of you.

I went to Christian bookstores looking for books to provide guidance. I made an appointment with a pastor at church. I listened to Christian radio a little more attentively than usual. I was desperate for answers. But I found few resources that could really help.

Now that I’ve traversed this difficult road, found healing in my own marriage, and become involved in ministry to help heal hurting marriages, I have happily found resources that can help hurting marriages in crisis. Conferences, retreats, courses, intensives, books and Internet sites are available to those looking for help. Below are sixteen resources available to help in the healing of hurting marriages.

Programs You Can Attend that Help Hurting Marriages

A good marriage program can offer a big dose of healing in a relatively short period of time. Many marriages have turned around, found healing, and become reconciled because of the following programs. The first three programs listed below are peer-lead by people who have experienced and overcome crisis in their own marriages.

Marriage 911 is a twelve or thirteen week international program founded in Modesto, California in 1990 by Joe and Michelle Williams, now helping hurting marriages in over sixty cities throughout the U.S., as well as Canada, Australia and the Virgin Islands. Unlike what is common in other marriage programs, Marriage 911 can bring healing to a marriage even when only one spouse attends. Because men and women participate separately, each spouse learns to focus on God and what God is personally telling them to do to become healthy individuals and have a healthy marriage. Many families are together today because of the commitment of just one spouse’s participation. My husband and I have personally been leading this class in our Central Florida community for 14 years, and have seen many marriages healed. Because of this program, countless numbers of couples around the country have survived crisis in their marriages to experience the joy of renewal and wholeness in their families. For more information: https://marriage911godsway.com/

Retrouvaille (French for rediscovery) is an international program that begins with a weekend retreat where couples learn communication tools that help them connect at a heart level. It’s a transformative weekend for couples whose marriages are in crisis and can completely bring renewal to a marriage regardless of how broken it is when you attend. My husband and I personally experienced this transformation when our marriage was in the first stages of recovery from our three-year separation. We were still separated but finally decided we wanted help to put our marriage back together. Retrouvaille enabled us to do that. Retrouvaille is usually sponsored through the Catholic Church and can be found throughout the United States as well as other countries around the world. You can see more at: https://www.helpourmarriage.org/

The Marriage Helper Workshop Retreat considers itself to be the emergency room for marriages in trouble. It is a twenty-year-old program that boasts a 77% success rate after having helped thousands of couples. During the three-day workshop, leaders help couples tackle real-life situations, addressing principles that people identify with, whether or not one or both of them actually want to save the marriage. The workshop offers hands-on help by those who have experienced and overcome a crisis in their own marriage to rescue relationships and help couples grow deeper in intimacy and passion. No one is judged for what lead to the marriage crisis. The workshop takes place in Nashville, Tennessee. For more information: https://marriagehelper.com/

Getting The Love You Want Workshop for Couples –This workshop based on Imago Relationship Therapy developed by Harville Hendrix, Ph.D and Helen LaKelly Hunt, Ph.D, teaches that relationship power-struggles are an opportunity for healing and growth and can establish a deeper connection between partners. In this workshop, certified therapists and facilitators help couples break destructive patterns of communication, find emotional healing, and learn new conflict resolution strategies. Through Imago, couples can develop increased compassion and understanding of one another and renew the passion and pleasure in the relationship. Imago workshops can be found across the country. https://imagorelationshipswork.com/find-a-professional/workshops

Marriage Intensives Specifically Designed to Help Hurting Marriages

A marriage intensive involves either a weekend or several days of intense professional marriage counseling with a small group of couples and can be extremely effective in helping a couple identify and resolve core issues hurting their marriage. The following ones are highly recommended.

A marriage intensive through Focus on the Family’s Hope Restored program offers help from trained professional counselors in a picturesque retreat center in one of three locations, including Missouri, Michigan, and Georgia. http://hoperestored.com.
Hope and Healing intensives are for those recovering from adultery in their marriage. Mona and Gary Shriver, authors of Unfaithful, lead the intensives, which usually take place in Northern California. https://www.hopeandhealing.us/

Books for Hurting Marriages – In Depth Help You Can Review Again and Again

The good thing about a book is that you can keep it with you and read it again and again. You can underline your favorite parts, share it with your spouse or others, and use it as a launch pad for discussion.

Broken Heart on Hold, Surviving Separation by Linda W. Rooks, brings emotional and spiritual healing to breaking hearts so readers can focus on the next step and make wise decisions. My own story of my husband’s and my three-year separation is woven through the short chapters to heal their emotional pain, lift the reader up to God and give them hope for their future.
Award winning Fighting for Your Marriage while Separated, A Practical Guide for the Brokenhearted, by Linda W. Rooks, walks with the separated person step-by-step from the first day of a break-up to eventual healing, guiding them toward reconciliation, but preparing them with God’s undergirding love for whatever the outcome. Practical insights, breakthrough strategies, biblical wisdom, and real life stories provide a roadmap through the confusion of a separation.
Yes, Your Marriage Can Be Saved: 12 Truths for Rescuing Your Marriage by Joe and Michelle Williams is written by the creators of the Marriage 911 God’s Way ministry. Against the backdrop of their own separation and reconciliation stories, the book shares numerous insights that help those in troubled marriages look at themselves personally in the context of their marriage and recognize where change needs to happen. An invaluable resource for helping individuals and couples through the tough times in marriage.
Marriage Off Course: Trusting God in the Desert of Unwanted Separation or Divorce by Clint and Penny Bragg uses the poetry of a desert analogy to offer biblical guidance and practical tools to strengthen the faith of those languishing in the desert of separation or divorce. The Braggs also provide an insightful perspective into the mind of a prodigal spouse and the husband she left behind. Their own experience of an eleven-year divorce that resulted in reconciliation, plus many stories from others, brings welcome encouragement while walking with the reader on a path toward healing.
The DNA of Relationships for Couples by Greg Smalley and Robert S. Paul uses a fictionalized account of an actual marriage intensive to unravel a variety of untenable marital situations and unveil simple principles of hope and healing. Written like a novel, the book puts you in the heads of four couples at a four-day marriage intensive headed for divorce. As they wrestle with their problems day and night, counselors reveal insights that are gradually able to untie the messy knots of their relationships.
I Do Again: How We Found a Second chance at our Marriage–and You Can Too, by Cheryl and Jeff Scruggs, reveals the hidden secrets that can slowly destroy a marriage and the spiritual awakening that can open the way to healing. Written like a romance novel, I Do Again is a riveting story about the marriage, divorce, and remarriage of Cheryl and Jeff Scruggs. The book offers renewed hope for even the most troubled marriages and reveals why the rewards of restoration are well worth the wait.
Unfaithful by Gary and Mona Shriver is a must-read for any couple dealing with the aftermath of unfaithfulness in their marriage. The Shrivers, who experienced unfaithfulness in their own relationship, walk the road of recovery with readers as they take turns sharing their story of healing and the necessary steps that brought them back together. The wisdom and recommended tools are invaluable for a couple recovering from an affair.

Help on the Internet for Hurting Marriages

The Internet offers opportunities for regular encouragement and community with others in similar situations. Hope and help are only a click away and always available.

Heart Talk – Finding Hope in Unexpected Places – This is my blog for those who need weekly encouragement to help them walk through a difficult time in life or find hope for their marriage. http://lindarooks.com
Spiritually Unequal Marriage – A community of hope and encouragement offering a variety of resources for those married to unbelievers http://.spirituallyunequalmarriage.com
Marriage Builders – Valuable marriage advice from Dr. Willard F. Harley on a variety of subjects through Articles, Q & A Columns, Discussion forums, radio shows and more. https://www.marriagebuilders.com/

If your marriage is hurting, there is help even if your spouse is unwilling to try. Decide today where you plan to start. Hope is just around the corner.

Fighting for Your Marriage while Separated offers practical guidance through a separation.

Filed Under: BOOKS, Divorce, Hope, Marital separation, marriage, Marriage problems, marriage resources, Reconciliation, Uncategorized Tagged With: books for marriage, hope, marital reconciliation, marital separation, Marriage, marriage in crisis, Marriage resources, troubled marriage

Marriage Resources that Can Enhance Your Marriage

October 31, 2019 by Linda Rooks Leave a Comment

Photo by Jenny Marvin

Marriages that thrive are marriages that don’t settle for okay, but continually try to make their marriages stronger and more loving. If you have survived a serious challenge to your marriage, if you are newly married, or if your marriage has happily continued on a positive track, make a serious effort to nurture your marriage.

At least once a year try to attend a marriage conference or retreat or take a marriage course at a local church to strengthen communication and rekindle your love for one another. Or sit down and read a book together that can enrich your marriage and bring you together spiritually. Marriages can be strong at one point and still drift into rough waters if unattended to. Finding a marriage resource to enhance your marriage can take you to a new level of satisfaction in your relationship.

Marriage Conferences and Retreats

Here are seven national marriage conferences, weekend retreats, or workshops that can enhance your marriage and take it to the next level when your marriage is on a positive track.

Weekend to Remember sponsored by Family Life – A two-and-a-half day romantic weekend that entices you to invest in and strengthen your marriage―no matter how firm or fragile. Weekend to Remember is designed to enhance your marriage by helping the two of you to: handle issues well as they arise so resentments don’t fester; express feelings positively; maintain a vital sexual connection; resolve conflict in healthy, productive ways; and forgive freely and completely. Weekend events are scheduled all over the country every year. Couples can easily find one in a nearby location. Weekend to Remember

Gary Chapman’s the Five Love Languages (also called Toward a Growing Marriage) This Conference with best-selling author and counselor Gary Chapman helps you and your loved one learn how to speak your spouse’s love language. This weekend event helps you put the wisdom of The 5 Love Languages® into practice so you can gain new insight into your relationships so you can experience a more loving marriage. Based on Gary Chapman’s best selling book, The Five Love Languages. https://www.5lovelanguages.com/conference/5-love-languages-marriage-conference/

Laugh Your Way to a Better Marriage – A two day Couples’ Comedy Event® uses humor to explore the underlying dynamics of male/female relationships. Mark Gungor’s teaching is touted as “enjoyable, effective and memorable” while bringing clarity and practical solutions to common relationship woes. Mark is Senior Pastor of Celebration Church—a multi-site church in Wisconsin. https://markgungor.com/pages/live-events-1

Marriage Encounter Weekend – A worldwide program that can restore communication, renew commitment, and rekindle romance in your marriage. Rather than listening to lectures, couples actually learn and practice a practical communication technique that can help you rediscover your hopes and dreams for your marriage. Marriage Encounter is offered in numerous languages and dialects in nearly 100 countries. Weekends take place across the North American continent. http://www.wwme.org/

Marriage on the Rock –Jimmy and Karen Evans – XO Marriage conferences are a one or two-day experience that provides expert marriage advice and practical teachings to help you navigate your marriage journey and recharge your relationship. Conferences take place all across the U.S. For thirty years Jimmy and Karen Evans have used the international ministry of Marriage Today to minister to couples on TV and the Internet. Jimmy is senior pastor of Gateway Church in Dallas. https://marriagetoday.com/event/

Love Like You Mean It Marriage Cruise – This event, sponsored by Family Life, is a getaway for married couples looking for relaxation, renewal, romance and life-long memories. The eight-day seven night, fully-chartered cruise sails from Fort Lauderdale, FL to Coco Cay Bahamas, San Juan Puerto Rico, and St. Thomas. The cruise includes biblical teaching and refreshing words on marriage by top Christian leaders along with concerts and entertainment by Christian artists. Best of all you can enjoy lots of quality time with your spouse. https://www.lovelikeyoumeanitcruise.com/

Getting The Love You Want Workshop for Couples – Certified therapists and facilitators can transform your relationship by helping you connect at a deeper level. This workshop based on Imago Relationship Therapy developed by Harville Hendrix, Ph.D and Helen LaKelly Hunt, Ph.D, guides couples with practical tools and strategies to create satisfying and long-lasting relationships. Imago teaches that relationship power-struggles are an opportunity for healing and growth and can establish a deeper connection in couples. When you learn how to move through conflict with compassion and empathy, disagreements in your relationship evolve into something deeper and more fulfilling. Imago workshops can be found across the country. https://imagorelationshipswork.com/find-a-professional/workshops

Close-to-Home Marriage Resources That Can Enhance Your Marriage

Marriage Classes at a Local Church

If you can’t afford to invest in a weekend event, but still want to find a way to recharge your marriage, another alternative is to attend a marriage class at your own church or one in your community. These close-at-home marriage resources may be easier to fit into busy lives and still enhance your marriage in significant ways. Here are a few popular ones to look for.

Marriage Oneness – Explores God’s design for marriage oneness of heart, mind and soul. After a private relationship assessment at the beginning of the course, each session covers one of seven important issues affecting marriage, including communication, conflict resolution, finances, spiritual beliefs, sexual intimacy, roles and responsibilities, and family and friends. https://www.familylife.com/smallgroups/marriage-oneness/

Love and Respect – Helps you discover a simple truth hidden in plain sight that explains why your spouse negatively reacts to you, and shows you how to change your reaction. Based on the best selling book, Love and Respect by Emerson Eggerichs, PhD. https://www.loveandrespect.com/

The Art of Marriage – The Art of Marriage weaves together expert teaching, real-life stories, humorous vignettes, and more to portray both the challenges and the beauty of God’s design. The course helps you identify your top 10 list of what you are doing RIGHT in your marriage. The class shows you that when you are aware of what you are doing right and intentionally repeat those things with confidence, you will enhance your marriage. Video topics take you through the stages of love in marriage. https://www.familylife.com/art-of-marriage/video-event

The Marriage Course – The Marriage Course is a series of seven sessions, designed to help couples invest in their relationship and build a strong marriage. The class features videos of couples talking about their marriages. https://themarriagecourses.org/

The above resources can enhance your marriage, but some marriages need more.

Marriage Resources to Heal Hurting Marriages

Resources that merely enhance your marriage probably aren’t enough, however, if your marriage is spiraling downward. If your marriage is in crisis and needs special help to even survive, there are conferences, programs, classes, and books that are just for you also. Two weeks from now, we will look at some of these. Next week, I will interview the authors of one of these books, Marriage Off Course by Clint and Penny Bragg. The following week, we will look at more marriage resources that can both heal and enhance your marriage.

If you need help right now though to restore your marriage, I encourage you to pick up one of the books below.

Fighting for Your Marriage while Separated gives practical guidance and strategies to heal and restore a broken marriage.
Broken Heart on Hold helps you find healing from the emotional pain of a hurting marriage and strengthens you to take the next step.
Together, these books will walk with you on your journey to wholeness.

Have you attended any of these conferences or classes? What did you think about them? We’d love to hear your comments.

Also, what marriage resources do you plan to take advantage of next to enhance your marriage? What is your next step?

Filed Under: Hope, How to win, Love, marriage, marriage resources, Reconciliation, Uncategorized Tagged With: Goal Setting, hope, Love, marital reconciliation, Marriage, Marriage resources, New Directions, seeking answers, what to do

Don’t Stop with Okay, We’re Fixed . . . Keep on Growing.

October 24, 2019 by Linda Rooks Leave a Comment

Last week’s story of a couple whose marriage soared to heights of great happiness after first encountering and surmounting problems, challenges many of us to examine just how much fuel we are giving to our own marriages so we can achieve a similar level of happiness in our relationships.

Rick and Jolene found a fix for their problems when they went through Marriage 911, but they didn’t stop with okay, we’re fixed. They wanted more. They went to classes and seminars, retreats, and cruises, they read books together—anything they could find to strengthen their relationship, improve communication, and heighten their romance. And they achieved the marriage of their dreams.

It’s so easy to settle in when things are just okay instead of doing the work to go the next step so your marriage can thrive rather than stopping at just okay.

Joe Williams, co-founder of Marriage 911, often says the natural direction of marriage is to separate. In other words, if you are not working to make your marriage better, chances are it will grow worse.

Life is busy, and distractions are many. There’s money to make, careers to grow, children to love and take care of, and duties to carry out. If our marriage is no longer hurting, it’s easy to let it slip into the back seat and stop with okay.

But what can you do to take your marriage to the next level?

Here are some suggestions to make sure you are keeping God in the center of your marriage and that you are nourishing your relationship by spending quality time together.

Pray together daily.
Read the Bible or take part in a Bible study together.
Go to church together every week.
Have date nights regularly (at least once a month, but preferably more).
Read a book on marriage together at least once or twice a year.
Listen or watch a marriage podcast once a month.
Take weekend or week-long trips together.
Plan to attend at least one major enrichment event a year such as a retreat, seminar, class, or cruise.

Making your marriage a priority now can save you from more heartache later. If you worry about taking time away from your children, realize a strong marriage gives your children a firm and solid foundation from which they can later sprout wings in their personal lives to appropriately explore the world they will one day enter as adults.

When my husband’s and my marriage fell apart and we became separated in the ’90s, our older daughter was in her second year of college. She writes of that time, “As a college student on my own for the first time ever, it had been as if I was in a little row boat in the middle of the sea. My one source of stability had been that I knew there was a large ship within rowing distance that I could easily get to whenever I needed it. In that moment [when my parents separated], it felt like that ship was blown up and sinking to the bottom of the ocean. I was alone. There was no one I could turn to for security or stability. All I had ever known that was secure was no more.”

Keeping your marriage strong (or strengthening it after recovering from a crisis), will not only improve your couple communication and bring greater happiness to you, but strengthen the stability and confidence of your children. If you’ve suffered through a marital collapse, allowing your children to watch you grow your marriage into a more loving and fruitful relationship will teach them the value of pursuing God’s best in marriage.

Instead of stopping with okay, take your marriage to the next level. Give yourselves the gift of a great marriage. Take the time to engage in marriage enrichment opportunities to expand your framework of ideas and strategies to attack common problems that arise. Realize these programs can open your eyes to issues that might be undermining your relationship that you may not even be aware of. Enjoy finding out how to make love deposits in your spouse’s love bank that will create a love reserve so future problems won’t exact a toll on your marriage. Best of all, discover how making these discoveries can bring you the happiness that God intended when He created this thing called marriage.

Next week in Heart Talk, let’s look at specific programs, retreats, books, podcasts, etc. that can enhance your marriage.

Don’t stop with okay. Keep on growing. Have a great marriage!

f you need help in fighting for your marriage, let me walk with you through the pages of my book, Fighting for Your Marriage while Separated. There you will find practical help that can guide you toward reconciliation even if you’re fighting for your marriage alone.

Filed Under: Expectations, How to win, joy, Love, marriage, New Directions, Uncategorized Tagged With: Goal Setting, happy marriage, Love, Marriage, New Directions, True love

Overcoming Obstacles in Your Marriage to Find Joy for the Journey

October 17, 2019 by Linda Rooks 1 Comment

A True Love Story that Unlocks the Secret of How to Overcome –

I still remember that first phone call from Jolene as she described the situation in her marriage that was causing her such heartache. Her husband’s life and hers were going in two different directions as their expectations diverged and their emotional needs increasingly went unmet. She had tried to get Rick to understand why she was unhappy and what he was doing that was causing such anxiety, hurt, and discouragement. But he simply didn’t get it.

When she called me, she was ready to walk away from the marriage.

“Do you think Marriage 911 would help us?” she asked. “Is ours the type of situation that would benefit from your class?”

I told her I believed it would. And so they came . . . even though Rick still didn’t understand Jolene’s concern. During those thirteen weeks they faithfully went through the Marriage 911 workbook with the class and participated in their individual small groups. Jolene stayed strong, believing God would break through their gridlock as she read Broken Heart on Hold and allowed God to nurture her heart.

Rick struggled honestly to understand, and then somewhere in the middle of the class, my husband Marv, the leader of Rick’s group, spoke words that illuminated a new understanding in Rick’s mind. A light went off. For years afterward, Rick not only remembered my husband’s words verbatim, but repeated them regularly every time he spoke of this incident. “It’s the appearance of impropriety . . . even though it’s not actual impropriety, it’s the appearance of impropriety.” Once he heard the words, the words popped. He saw it. He got it!

As the thirteen weeks wore on, Jolene’s smile grew more radiant as she began to understand Rick’s new appreciation for her concerns. Their communication began to improve. By the end of the class, their marriage had taken a new turn toward wholeness and healing.

Wanting More Joy for the Journey

But Rick and Jolene weren’t satisfied to stop at merely fixing the problem. They wanted more for their marriage. They wanted to avoid any other slips into miscommunication. They had heard enough stories and learned enough to know more was possible. They didn’t want just an okay marriage or even a good marriage. They wanted a fantastic marriage. They wanted to experience true joy for the journey as they traveled this life together. And they were willing to do whatever necessary to pursue that dream.

They went on a weekend retreat called Retrouvaille where they learned to communicate more clearly and connect with each other’s hearts. They took more marriage classes like Love and Respect, Marriage Oneness and others and read books to grow their relationship. They went on a weekend retreat called Weekend to Remember sponsored by Family Life, which took them to a whole new level of appreciation for one another. One of their favorite romantic adventures was going on a Love Like You Mean It Marriage Cruise, sponsored by Family Life.

In the span of about a year they went from a marriage drifting into possible separation or divorce to a marriage that soared with new possibilities. They had found the joy for the journey they’d been looking for.

A Second Phone Call

A little over a year after they had participated in Marriage 911, I received another phone call from Jolene. After telling me about the transformation in their marriage, she told me they now wanted to give back and help others achieve the joy in their marriages like they had found for their own journey. They became leaders in our Marriage 911 class and then began to facilitate other marriage classes as well. They became active in a wonderful Christian program called Tres Dias that took people on a closer walk with Christ. Rick had a heart for men and organized a Stepping Up seminar at church where many men made stronger commitments to God and to their roles as leaders in their home and church. Rick and Jolene’s marriage became a shining light to others, and for ten years they touched countless other lives and marriages through their ministry.

A New Crisis in Their Marriage

But a year and a half ago, something began happening to Rick that they didn’t understand. A new challenge was unfolding – a life changing one that would take them on a new and frightening journey.

I first noticed it in our Marriage 911 class when I asked Rick, as one of our leaders, to come up to the microphone and offer a prayer. He limped to the front of the room, leaning on a cane. Questions went off in my mind. What was wrong with Rick? Why was he using a cane?

I later learned he had been experiencing weakness in his joints. After a number of doctor’s appointments and medical tests, Rick was diagnosed with ALS.

ALS is a terrible fatal disease that affects nerve cells in the brain and spinal cord, causing loss of muscle control. The muscles all over the body begin to get weaker until paralysis sets in. It’s also called Lou Gehrig’s Disease. In spite of his body growing weaker, however, Rick and Jolene’s faith grew even stronger. They prayed together. They laughed together. And they cried together –always hanging onto hope because they knew their hope was anchored on the solid foundation of Jesus Christ.

And they continued to minister together. At the beginning of this year, Jolene wheeled Rick into our Marriage 911 class in a wheel chair so they could once more share their testimony before our class about how God had healed their marriage. They continued sharing with others all through this time to convey to them how God has given them joy for the journey—even on a journey as difficult as the one they traveled this past year. Because of their beautiful witness, others saw Jesus’ redemptive love and joy shine forth from their lives in a number of venues again and again, even as Rick suffered through debilitating illness and affliction and Jolene walked by his side.

On September 26 of this year, Rick was healed—not in the earthly way we had prayed for—but In God’s infinite mercy He took Rick home before the pain had intensified. God gave Rick a new heavenly body, perfectly designed for Rick’s eternal home in heaven.

Through Jolene’s tears, I see the joy of having a love that endured the pain of their earlier years, a love that overcame misunderstandings and heartache, a love that persevered through sickness and affliction, a love that grew to soar on wings like eagles as together they ministered to other hurting hearts and lives and brought people to Christ so others could experience a joy of their own.

The Love Story Rick Left Behind for Us to Share

But before his homecoming to Heaven, during the early days of his illness when he was being diagnosed with ALS, Rick wrote a love letter to Jolene that says it all. Here is a part of it.

“Having the pleasure of you as my wife has been the best thing that has ever happened to me. I have not always been the best of husbands, but you have stood by me in good times and in bad. I can’t imagine anyone else but you by my side.

As we have learned to show the kind of love and respect that we each need, I have gained a new understanding of how awesome God’s design for marriage can be. Your love for me has made me a better man. You have helped me be the leader of our home and have given me the confidence to be God’s servant to you and others. I thank you for your faith and your love for God.

Thank you for joining me on this wonderful journey. You have given my life purpose. You still are the woman of my dreams and all I could have hoped for. Thank you for loving me for who I am and treating me like a man of God. I love you with all my heart… I love you more”

Rick and Jolene not only overcame, they went further. They learned. They grew. And then they gave to others. Their joy was grounded in the never-changing love of God which fueled their own love, a love that overcame and gave them joy for the journey.

For one last glimpse of the man we are honoring today, you can hear from his own lips and Jolene’s how God has accompanied them throughout their lives and during this difficult battle with ALS to give them joy for the journey. This was taped about a month before God took Rick home.

Video of Rick when he had ALS https://drive.google.com/file/d/1RLXueUn76CB9TFFznnFlT3a0l1H7s3R6/view

“Therefore if you have any encouragement from being united with Christ, if any comfort from his love, if any common sharing in the Spirit, if any tenderness and compassion, ²then make my joy complete by being like-minded, having the same love, being one in spirit and of one mind. ³Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit. Rather, in humility value others above yourselves, ⁴not looking to your own interests but each of you to the interests of the others” Philippians 2: 1-4

Would you like to leave a comment? How did this story encourage you?

Filed Under: Expectations, Grief, health, health issues, Hope, How to win, joy, Love, Marriage problems, New Directions, Reconciliation, Uncategorized Tagged With: conflicts, hope, Love, Marriage, marriage in crisis, New Directions, seeking answers, troubled marriage

Winning Him Without Words, 10 Keys To Thriving in Your Spiritually Mismatched Marriage

October 10, 2019 by Linda Rooks Leave a Comment

Author Interview with Lynn Donovan

If you are a Christian married to an unbeliever, you have a unique challenge in walking out your faith. Lynn Donovan, author of Winning Him Without Words, refers to it as a spiritually mismatched marriage and has traveled this path herself. If you struggle with how to love both God and your spouse in a way that pleases each of them, I believe you will find hope and inspiration in what Lynn has to share with us today.

In addition to her book, Winning Him Without Words, Lynn is the author of two other related books as well: 10 Keys to Thriving in Your Spiritually Mismatched Marriage, and Not Alone, Trusting God To Help You Raise Godly Kids in a Spiritually Mismatched Home. Lynn has appeared on 700 Club Interactive, Focus on the Family, Dr. James Dobson’s FamilyTalk, and FamilyLife Today

But I will let Lynn introduce herself and tell you more about her story. Here’s Lynn.

Lynn: Hello everyone! I’m joining your community this week to share a bit about my God-sized story. I’m so thankful that Linda has asked me to be a part of your home.

My friends, my story is about a Prodigal child – me (Luke 15:11-31). I fled my childhood Sunday school days in my twenties. I left my loving Father for all the promises the world said were mine. I met my husband in these dark years and we fell in love. We were married and for the first three years everything was fine. But the world’s lure proved shallow, unkind and untrue. I heard my faithful Father calling in the distance and He wooed me.

I went running home into the arms of my Papa and was thrilled to once again have a relationship with God. But, I ran home dragging my unbelieving spouse behind me kicking and screaming all the way. To say that my husband was unhappy about this new “Man” in my life, was a serious understatement.

I am unequally yoked.

There are many women such as me who sit alone week after week in church. There are women who are married to men who say they believe and yet they are also like me, living in a spiritually mismatched marriage. We are committed to our marriage covenant and wish to honor our Lord no matter how we arrived in our spiritually mismatched marriage.

My journey has been a crazy adventure, filled with loneliness at times, as my husband and I view life through two different world views. On this journey I’ve had to face fears over my children’s salvation, as well as having to live with the disappointment of attending church alone, wanting to be a “normal” couple, and the most difficult—the rejection of my faith by my best friend on earth.

But don’t feel sad for me…. Because I serve the risen Savior and through His love and power, I have discovered that the unequally yoked can truly thrive while living with an unbeliever. We can grow in our faith, love and respect for our spouse, raise our children to a vibrant faith, and walk in the Presence of the Most High.

Linda: I’m looking forward to hearing what else you learned on this 22 year adventure, Lynn. But tell me, what does your husband think about this ministry?

Lynn: By the grace of God my husband is fully supportive of my ministry and he encourages me to help others who are also in spiritually mismatched marriages. I call that a “Way cool God thing.”

Thriving in a Spiritually Mismatched Marriage

Linda: Lynn, you mentioned to me that you discovered a powerful scripture that changed everything about your marriage.

Lynn: Yes, I did, it is: (Jesus) answered, “‘Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your strength and with all your mind’; and, ‘Love your neighbor as yourself.'” —Luke 10:27

Linda: How did this make a difference in your marriage?

Lynn: When you love God, His Son and the Spirit with all of your heart, soul, mind and strength you are transformed. Your mind is transformed and then disappointment and bitterness no longer has influence in your life. You discover an unending joy bubbles out of you, flowing onto your husband and your children. This kind of love transforms a heart, heals a body, restores a marriage, and leads little ones to faith.

I had to remove my eyes and expectations from my human husband and place all of my hopes upon Christ. When I did this our marriage moved into THRIVING. My husband found freedom to discover God in his own way without my manipulation and I found my expectations were replaced by God explanations. I was transformed by the love of God.

It’s a miracle! Woo Hoo!!!!

And Linda one of my favorite truths I share is this:

A man can ignore a nagging wife, but he can’t ignore the truth of a transformed life.

Linda: I like that. But tell me what do you think is the biggest struggle for those who have a spiritually mismatched marriage?

Lynn: Across the board, men and women, who are married to pre-believers (we like to call them pre-believers) struggle through a season of loneliness. In our book, Winning Him Without Words, the entire first chapter addresses this season. What I want to tell everyone who is unequally yoked is to press forward during this season. This is the training ground for growing your faith into a vibrant, strong and intimate love relationship with the Father.

You can overcome this. You can attend church alone and receive great blessing from your church family. You will discover the truth of Hebrews 13:5 God has said, “Never will I leave you; never will I forsake you.”

Ministering to Your Children in a Spiritually Mismatched Marriage

Linda: Many times I hear from people who are concerned as to how a spiritually mismatched marriage will affect the children. What do you say to that? And have you found specific encouragement in the Bible to help you on this walk?

Lynn: Yes, there is actually a passage in the Bible that was written just for us. God knew there would be unbelievers married to believers and that’s why 1 Corinthians 7:12-14 exists. Let’s read it from the Message translation as it is rich in meaning and implication. This verse specifically gives me great comfort as a mother raising children in a spiritually mismatched home.

For the rest of you who are in mixed marriages—Christian married to non-Christian—we have no explicit command from the Master. So this is what you must do. If you are a man with a wife who is not a believer but who still wants to live with you, hold on to her. If you are a woman with a husband who is not a believer but he wants to live with you, hold on to him. The unbelieving husband shares to an extent in the holiness of his wife, and the unbelieving wife is likewise touched by the holiness of her husband. Otherwise, your children would be left out; as it is, they also are included in the spiritual purposes of God. —1 Corinthians 7:12-14

I’m learning that when we as believers love Jesus and walk in the power and presence of the Holy Spirit, we impact our environment. And, in fact, we bring God’s will and purposes into our lives and into the lives of our children. The living presence of God within us becomes so powerful that, Paul tells us through the believing spouse every member in the home is sanctified. The living presence of God is so contagious, so powerful, that it creates an umbrella of safety over anyone who comes into that environment.

Linda: So are you saying that it is simply your faith, walked out in the home, which ministers to your children? Even though your husband has a different worldview, your faith is enough to point the children to God?

Lynn: Yes, we as believers are uniquely positioned to release the purposes, the love and the very power of God into our children’s lives. Our kids are then included in God’s plans for their lives. They are sanctified—set apart as holy unto the Lord. They belong to the Lord. When we grasp this truth, praying with faith through the Holy Spirit for our kids, we need not live in fear for their salvation. Our love, our example, our Jesus is always enough. I believe this promise for my children’s future and for their eternity.

Wow…… just WOW! Today if I can talk personally to your readers, I’d like to say, “Let the truth of this passage roar in your spirit. Your faith covers your home. This was a paradigm shift in my thinking and changed how I approached spiritual warfare for my kids and husband. My holiness covers them. They are under the love umbrella of God because an ordinary wife lives with Jesus in her heart and home. Of course, this isn’t a guarantee of their salvation but it is a great encouragement and it keeps me from living in constant fear for their eternity.

And Linda, our faith and our prayers truly impact our spouse. This year, 2019, after 27 years of contending for the faith of my husband, he was baptized on March 14th. As a special gift from the Father, this was ON our wedding anniversary. I pray that those reading this message will find their spouse comes to faith soon. And I affirm each one who is praying for an unsaved loved one. Don’t give up and believe. God is so good and loves your spouse.

Linda: That is so exciting, Lynn! What a beautiful testimony of living out your faith in a spiritually mismatched marriage. That must have been an absolute thrill for you.

Lynn: Yes, and I share more of my overcoming story in my new book, Marching Around Jericho, Praying Your Unsaved Spouse Into The Kingdom. The book launches in January 2020. I pray it reaches the hands of every spouse who walks this unique road of matrimony.

Linda: Thank you, Lynn. I know this is a serious battle for a number of people reading this interview, and we need a real prayer covering for our homes and our children. Would you like to close us with a prayer?

Lynn: Lord, let this passage bring freedom to every woman and man here today. Let the truth and the power that comes with your living and active Word permeate every place in his or her heart and home. I ask that the Holy Spirit would prove the truth of how the prayers of a righteous mama (or papa) availeth much. In Jesus name. Amen.

Linda, thank you for allowing me to share the hope that I have. Hope is a person, Jesus Christ.

I love you and count it a privilege to be here with your community.

Linda: It’s been a blessing to all of us to hear your story about thriving in the midst of a spiritually mismatched marriage. It’s a message many people need to hear. Please tell us where readers can find out more about your ministry, your book, Winning Him Without Words and your other books.

Lynn: You can visit me online at http://.spirituallyunequalmarriage.com

Filed Under: BOOKS, Children, Expectations, faith, Hope, Interviews, Love, marriage, Marriage problems, Receiving Christ, Trusting God, Uncategorized, unequally yoked Tagged With: author interview, books for marriage, conflicts, God's love, Love, Marriage, marriage problems, unequally yoked

Avoiding the 12 Relationship Mistakes Women Make – Interview with Author Georgia Shaffer

September 18, 2019 by Linda Rooks Leave a Comment

Relationships are challenging. And we all make mistakes.. But Georgia Shaffer, author of Avoiding the 12 Relationship Mistakes Women Make, believes there are 12 that are common to all of us, and we can avoid them if we can first identify them and then do the work to overcome them. In addition to authoring several books, Georgia is a licensed psychologist in Pennsylvania, a Christian life coach, and a professional speaker who is a charter member of AACC’s International Christian Coaching Association. Her story and photos are featured in the film Letters to God, where she shares her story as a cancer survivor who was told over 22 years ago that she had a two percent chance of living another 10 years.

It’s a privilege to be able to spend some time with Georgia so she can share bits of her wisdom with you all. I’m excited about what you’ll hear from her. And, by the way, Men, don’t let the title fool you. This is for you too.

Linda: In your book, Avoiding 12 Relationship Mistakes Women Make you talk a lot about relational blind spots. We can all relate to the idea of having visual blind spots when driving, but what do you mean by the term “relational blind spot”?

Georgia: A relational blind spot is our inability to see things in ourselves, or in others close to us, as they really are. A blind spot may also be something we do notice but discount as not important when, in fact, that thing is very significant. About 80 percent of the time, we see our connections with others accurately. But 20 percent of the time, we only think we see ourselves or our relationships clearly, when, in fact, we do not. Unfortunately, self-deception is not the exception.

Linda: What led you to write about relational blind spots in this book?

Georgia: Years ago when I was researching for a previous book, I came across the concept of “psychological blind spots.” The source did not refer to them as “relational.” As I thought about how they impact our interactions with others, I decided to call them “relational blind spots.” What’s interesting is that I never learned about these blind spots, even though I’m a licensed psychologist in Pennsylvania. It was a new concept for me.

As I spoke about relational blind spots at retreats and conferences, I realized I wasn’t the only one that didn’t know about their existence.

Our relational blind spots are so important. Jesus talks about them in Matthew 7:3 when he says we fail to pay attention to our blindness. I wrote Avoiding the 12 Relationship Mistakes Women Make to help more people understand that we all have relational blind spots, what they are, and how we can minimize their destructive impact.

Linda: You talk about this for women. But I don’t want to let the men off the hook here. So tell me, do men have relational blind spots too?

Georgia: Even though the book focuses on women, men have the same blind spots as women do.

Common Blind Spots

Linda: What is one of our most common blind spots?

Georgia: The blind spot of failing to pay attention to our limitations.

Just like a gas tank has a limited capacity and needs to be refilled to keep a car running, we have a limited amount of financial, physical, mental and emotional resources. If we fail to pay attention to our limits, rather than accepting and accommodating for them, our relationships suffer. Sometimes the relationship consequences of this failure are minor. We might just become mildly annoying and people might wish we would just relax. Other times, failure to heed our limitations can cause irreparable damage—like a divorce.

Rather than ignore our limitations, we need to embrace them. God created us with our particular limitations, so we honor him when we learn to live within them.

We need to be intentional about taking time to recharge and renew ourselves—physically, emotionally, and spiritually. When I’m trying to do too much too fast, that’s usually when I am most crabby with those around me. Unfortunately, too many times I don’t realize how irritated or exhausted I am until I hurt someone’s feelings.

If your readers are interested in knowing all 12 of the relationship mistakes we make, they might want to visit the free resources page at www.GeorgiaShaffer.com for a complete list.

Linda: Once we realize we have blind spots, what can we do to protect our relationships from the destructive blind spots? Could you give us at least two examples?

Georgia: First, seek God’s wisdom: Jesus told his disciples, “Blessed are your eyes because they see, and your ears because they hear” (Matthew 13:16 NIV). To be like that, we need to pray that the Holy Spirit, the spirit of truth, will guide us and show us what we miss.

Second, listen to wise counsel: Since we can miss what is obvious to others, seeking and listening to wise counsel is vital. Other people usually have a clearer understanding of our shortcomings than we do. A neutral, trustworthy, wise person can give us insight into a difficult situation. In Proverbs 15:31 NLT, we read, “If you listen to constructive criticism, you will be at home among the wise.”

Be sure, however, to seek counsel only from safe, godly people you have learned are trustworthy. Don’t go around asking everyone’s advice. If you do, you will be sure to get bad advice.

Becoming Self-Aware

Linda: You say that to have healthy relationships we have to see ourselves as we really are. What are some characteristics of people who are self-aware?

Georgia: People who rate high in self-awareness are:

– Clear about what they do well and how they can help others

– Aware of their flaws and hidden motives

– Willing to spend time on self-reflection

– Open to learning from their mistakes

One research study of top performers in a work setting found that 83 percent of them also rated high in self-awareness. If you want to be a top performer in your relationships, then you will cultivate self-awareness.

Linda: Another interesting blind spot you write about is “Thinking we are the exception to the rule.” Tell me more about that.

Georgia: We incorrectly assume that other people’s experiences don’t apply to our lives. We do this often. We think we’re different somehow. A friend who read a draft of Avoiding the 12 Relationship Mistakes Women Make told her husband about the illustration I used to discuss this blind spot. I talk about the visual blind spots we have on either side of a car’s front windshield. Unless we move our head forward and backward, something like a truck or pedestrian can be hidden behind the frame that supports the windshield.

“My car doesn’t have that blind spot,” her husband said. A few weeks later, however, he came home from work, shaking.

“What happened?” my friend asked”

“I barely missed hitting a truck that was hidden by that blind spot on the side of my windshield. . . I guess I do have that blind spot after all.”

Although you are unique, that does not necessarily mean you are exceptional. As Romans 12:3 says, “Do not think of yourself more highly than you ought, but rather think of yourself with sober judgment.”

Linda: While I know we can’t avoid all misunderstandings and conflicts, what is another thing we can do routinely to minimize relational difficulties?

Georgia: Be willing to cultivate self-awareness. Take time for reflection, asking God to help you see yourself as you are and to understand that he loves and accepts you as you are—the good parts and the unflattering ones.

At first, seeing ourselves as we are is uncomfortable. Once we make that breakthrough, we can make wiser decisions. Most importantly, we can experience the relational freedom God intends for us to enjoy.

Linda: Thanks, Georgia. This has been helpful in looking at some of the relationship mistakes we make. Tell us again where we can learn more about the other relational blindspots and where we can find more about your book, 12 Relationship Mistakes Women Make. Also, some readers today may want to know how to find out more about your other books, including the one about surviving cancer, as well as your ministry and coaching.

Georgia: Avoiding the 12 Relationship Mistakes Women Make, along with the other books I’ve written, is available at www.GeorgiaShaffer.com on the book page. It can also be found at all online bookstores such as Amazon.com and Barnes and Noble.

Filed Under: BOOKS, How to win, Interviews, marriage, Marriage problems, mistakes, Trying to understand, Uncategorized Tagged With: author interview, battles, books for marriage, conflicts, Marriage, marriage in crisis, troubled marriage