My Word for 2020

January 19, 2020 by Leave a Comment

Photo by Ben White

Have you chosen a “word” for the year 2020?

Each New Year many people choose a word to give them focus and inspiration for the year ahead. Often, it’s a word to motivate them with a theme, a new direction, a filter for decision making, or a word that lifts their spirits.

This year, I decided to focus on a word that is more self-improvement in nature to fine-tune the way I communicate with my husband. That word is “tone.”

Have you ever said something to your spouse that seems perfectly innocent, only to receive a negative reaction that catches you completely by surprise?  “Why did that make him angry or annoyed? Why is she so upset? I only said . . . . .   (fill in the blank.)

I’ve become more and more aware lately of how my tone of voice can distort my intended meaning in conversations with my husband. Sometimes my tone becomes elevated (a nice way of saying “louder” or “higher”.)  Other times the added emphasis I put on a certain word sends an unintended message of displeasure.

Take the question, “Why did you do that?” Consider the following differences in how this simple question can be interpreted depending on the tone of voice.

Perhaps you are working on a project together. You are struggling to get something right when your partner switches direction and does it differently. You’re not sure what he is trying to do. And you say, “Hmmm. Why did you do that?” An honest question, looking for an honest answer.

But if you’re inwardly questioning his decision to switch directions, you might say it in one of the following ways:

Why did you do THAT?

Why DID you do that?

W-H-Y did you do THAT?

Why did you DO that?

Or simply, Why did you do that?”

Or, if he/she did something different that created a mess, you might say it this way. WHY DID YOU DO THAT? (yelling.)

The words are the same, but the tone of voice makes a difference in the way your spouse perceives what you say, and a difference in the way he or she may respond to you. Tone of voice can make the words sound angry, sarcastic, whining, arrogant, disrespectful, belittling, irritable, nagging, annoyed and more. And that difference can create tension and discord between you. You may find yourselves arguing –- not about a difference of opinion—but about the perception one of you has about the intentions of the other –- because of your tone of voice.

My husband and I have realized in recent weeks that tone of voice can sometimes stir up negative feelings or even conflict between us. I might think he sounds irritable even though his words are innocent. And in other instances, he hears disapproval in my tone of voice even though my actual words don’t convey that message at all. One of the silliest mind-sets, shared by both my husband and myself is that neither of us wants to cause stress or inconvenience to the other, and when we think we have, we can sometimes sound defensive.

For instance, I am writing this late at night. Since my husband was asleep, I shut my office door so I wouldn’t awaken him. Consequently, when he poked his head in the door a few minutes ago and said, “Hi,” I immediately thought I woke him up.

I quickly turned toward him and asked, “Why are you up?” I was annoyed at myself for having possibly awakened him, but my tone of voice may have implied I was annoyed with him. Actually, I didn’t wake him up at all. He was thirsty and wanted a drink. See how silly conflicts can begin? Fortunately, I think I was more aware of my tone of voice than he was—since that’s my focus word for the year—so all is good. But that is an example of how it can begin.

So in 2020, I intend to think about “tone.” That is my word. What unintended message do my words convey because of my tone of voice? How can I modify my voice so it conveys love and respect without allowing fleeting emotions to warp my words? I want my speech to be soothing and uplifting, encouraging and respectful. Being aware of my tone of voice can hopefully make that happen.

Proverbs 15:1 says, “A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger.” And Proverbs 16:24 reminds us that, “Pleasant words are a honeycomb, sweet to the soul and healing to the bones.”

If you struggle with this as well, you might want to join me in praying this prayer from Psalm 141:3. “Set a guard over my mouth, O Lord, Keep watch over the door of my lips.”

What is your word for the year?  I’d love to hear about it.

* * *

If you are struggling through a rough time in your marriage and your spouse is unresponsive to your efforts to make things better, check out my award winning new book, Fighting for Your Marriage while Separated.  Although a true separation happens when you and your spouse live in separate households, some separations also take place within the same residence. This book can help in either case.

 

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Filed Under: Conflict, How to win, Love, marriage, Marriage problems, mistakes, New Years, Uncategorized Tagged With: , , , , , , ,

Marriage 911 – Interview with Founders, Joe and Michelle Williams

January 8, 2020 by 1 Comment

Where do you find help when your marriage is in crisis? Who do you turn to?

Many of you reading this blog know that my husband Marv and I have been leading a Marriage 911 class in our church for many years and have seen many, many marriages healed and restored.  But you may not know the couple behind Marriage 911 who God has used in a powerful way to create this amazing program.  So let me introduce you to Joe and Michelle Williams so you can hear their story of how this ministry helps marriages and how it unfolded in such a unique and effective way to bring about reconciliation for so many couples.

Linda: Michelle, tell us what lead you to start Marriage 911 God’s Way? When and how did it start?

Michelle: Joe and I were separated for two years in the late 1980’s. When we finally reconciled we discovered that the couples in our large evangelical church, who were secretly struggling in their marriages, felt comfortable reaching out to us. They wanted help.

For instance, one of the women on staff admitted to me one day that she felt her marriage was in crisis but she was afraid that if she told anyone, her job might be in jeopardy. This led me to ask if she wanted to meet on her lunch hour and I would take her through a workbook that we were putting together for marriages in crisis. She agreed, and this setting resulted in the support partner aspect of our ministry.

Linda: That’s awesome. So you began to meet with some women. Did you get the husbands involved also?

 Joe: I knew a few guys in our church who thought they had to pretend all was well at home or their wife would be upset with them. When I started having coffee with them one-on-one they really opened up. Once Michelle and I talked more about it, we decided that maybe separating the men and women into small discussion groups in a classroom setting might be the answer. When we discussed this with one of our pastors, it led to us being asked to help start a reconciliation ministry, which we called “Reconciling God’s Way—now called Marriage 911 God’s Way”.

Linda: How did you go about putting the course together?

 Joe: We continued to meet privately and also in small group settings (separating the men and women) and being very strategic in sticking to questions which helped them do three things over a 12-week period:

  1. Change their focus from their spouse and start working on a deeper relationship with God, and also self-nurturing in order to take the pressure off their spouse meeting all their needs.
  2. Work on issues such as anger, honesty, and fear-based relationships by implementing biblical principles and practicing tools to help them make lasting changes—regardless of their spouse’s behavior
  3. Put a plan together as to how to move forward after the 12 weeks were over. Serving in a ministry alone or with their spouse, or taking additional classes or getting more counseling.

Linda: So you started the class in your church. But how did it end up being duplicated in other churches?

Michelle: When a national syndicated columnist, Mike McManus, visited our church in 1997, to celebrate the 10 year anniversary of signing the first national marriage covenant in our hometown of Modesto, California, he loved what we had created to help crisis marriages. He invited us to speak at a Smart Marriage Conference in Washington, DC, in 1997, and our local ministry became national almost overnight. Over 100 pastors approached us that weekend and asked how to start their own ministry. This led to us creating a more detailed leader’s kit, helping churches to do their own Reconciling God’s Way ministry for people in a crisis marriage.

Linda: Many of our ministries began because of problems we have experienced ourselves. I know this is true of you as well.  Can you tell us a little about that?

Michelle: When we were asked to speak at that conference in Washington, D.C. in 1997, we gave our testimony as to how in our own marriage crisis the pastors and people on staff seemed to either ignore our pleas for help, or act as if they didn’t care. Later, after we reconciled, we realized that their behavior was only a result of them not knowing what to do.

The main problem we had in our own marriage was that our focus was always on each other instead of the Lord. We tried to control, fix, correct, and micro-manage each other. We had unrealistic expectations, and our happiness was dependent on the behavior of each of us, rather than God. These expectations led to our placing too much demands on others to “fix” our marriage. We tried to attend marriage seminars but this only made things worse since the speaker would send us home to do exercises as a couple and we were never able to stop arguing long enough to get anything accomplished.

Once we were separated, but not necessarily seeking a divorce, each of us was left to work on the marriage without the help or expectation of the other. This alone time is what God used in our lives to create the 27 tools that eventually ended up being in our workbook. Each tool is used individually, and does not depend on couples in order to accomplish change in the marriage.

Linda:  That seems like a revolutionary idea! And in my own experience in working with Marriage 911 I’ve seen what a powerful approach that is. So tell us what is the purpose of Marriage 911 God’s Way ministry?

Michelle: Once we started seeing couples reconciling who seemed as hopeless as we had been, our hearts began to move more to expanding the ministry to even more churches so that more marriages could be saved. While not all marriages are saved, the purpose of the 12-week class and workbook is to provide tools and support to the person who wants to work on the marriage but feels hopeless.

During the 12 weeks, each spouse will learn ways to deal with Focus, Heart Attitude, and Hope, God’s Way—even if their spouse is unwilling to do their part. The support partner aspect of the ministry provides additional prayer and accountability. Many of the churches who have our ministry in place just keep the workbook and support partner book on hand at all times so that if someone calls for help, they can get started immediately rather than waiting for a class or small group to start. The person just gets a support partner, or the church has ready mentors/support partners available to help one on one.

 Joe: It’s pretty bad when a guy contacts me to say that his church doesn’t have anything at all in place for crisis marriages. I tell the guy to get the workbook and ask another man to be his support partner and get started. Then I let him know that once he has come through his own crisis, he can be the one to help another guy. One time a guy called me back and said, “ I just wanted to let you know that I asked an older gentleman to be my support partner, and he answered back, ‘I’ve been attending this church for 15 years and you’re the first person to ask me to do anything! Yes, I will!’”

Michelle: Another purpose of our ministry is to give those who might have felt unworthy due to divorce or marriage problems a place to serve. God uses people who have been broken in certain areas to help others who need someone that can relate. Our ministry is much like AA or Celebrate Recovery in the sense that once a person comes through their own crisis, they need a place to give back.

Linda: How is Marriage 911 different from other marriage ministries?

This ministry and all of the resources are not dependent on whether or not both spouses want to participate. It is not a couple’s ministry. Men support men, and women support women, and each willing spouse learns to depend on God rather than their spouse for their happiness.

While there are plenty of marriage ministries across the U.S. and other countries, there are few that have a system in place to quickly provide what a couple or person in crisis needs. That’s why the marriage workbook is titled “Marriage 911: First Response”. Can you imagine dialing 911 in an emergency and having the person on the other line say, “I’m sorry, everyone is busy until spring?” We have created a way for an emergency marriage crisis to get the help they need immediately. All they have to do is order a workbook, support book, and watch our online videos and they can get the help they need while waiting for counseling or a class if that is needed.

Linda: What kinds of results have you seen? Can you share any stories about this?

Michelle: For people who go through the whole 12 weeks (even without their spouse), the results of their relationship with God being stronger, and having peace in their hearts is 100% better. While we get to hear success stories of saved marriages from many people, this ministry does not focus on saving the marriage as much as it focuses on each person growing in their relationship with God and with all people, including their spouse.

The best success stories are of those who not only reconcile their marriage, but also go on to help others. Recently we heard from one of our leaders in Washington State who shared this: “I had a phone call from a lady who went through our Marriage 911 class, and they have stayed together and are doing well. Not only that, but her husband decided he wants them to start their own Marriage 911 ministry! She calls me every few months just to check in and get some words of encouragement. Being her support partner has allowed me to experience God in a special way!”

Linda: Why should a church offer Marriage 911 to their congregation?

 Michelle: We hear from men and women from all over the world who are looking for help in their local church for their crisis marriage. Most churches offer classes for engaged couples, seminars and retreats to build a healthier marriage, and divorce-recovery classes once a marriage ends…but few offer help and support for separated or crisis couples. That is the focus of what Marriage 911 provides.

Linda: What states/cities presently have a Marriage 911 class?

Joe: We presently have over 50 churches across the nation who offer the ministry. The cities that have the most active ministries are those in which the senior pastor promotes it from the pulpit or believes so strongly in it that he or she personally refers people. Some of the cities are: Branson, MO, Orlando, Fl, Tampa, Fl, Stockton, CA, Turlock, CA, Calgary, Canada, Mesa, Arizona, and several churches in Tennessee, and other cities in Florida.

Michelle: As we mentioned already, however, there are many churches who do not advertise or offer classes, but either send people to our website for help, or keep a few copies of the Marriage 911: First Response workbook and support partner handbook on their shelves or front desk so that when someone reaches out to their church for help, they have something ready.

My heart breaks when I think of that person sitting alone in their home, searching the Internet for help because their own church either doesn’t want to bother with a crisis marriage or just doesn’t know what to do and doesn’t take the time to ask for help. There should be a crisis marriage ministry in every city! Of course, we think Marriage 911 God’s Way is the easiest and least expensive way to offer it, but they at least need to offer something!

Joe: Once a church gets our leader’s kit (which costs less than one counseling appointment) they can get the workbooks in bulk at a 30% discount on our website, rather than going to Amazon…or they can send people directly to Amazon themselves and not have to spend a dime. Most couples don’t mind investing in a book that can be used over and over, and then used to help someone else as well! There’s no reason for people to feel alone and abandoned when they have a crisis marriage. The help is here.

Linda:  If someone wants to start a Marriage 911 program in their church, how should they go about it?

Michelle: It’s easy to start a ministry. Just visit the website: Marriage911Godsway.com, and order a leader’s kit. We have a step-by-step plan in the leader’s guide, which explains how to start a small group or class, or use the resources one-on-one. The weekly videos on our website can be used in a small group or class, or the person can do it on their own. We have made it easy because we know that people need quick, easy access when they reach out to a church. We used to travel to churches to help them set up a ministry, but now that we have everything online, its so simple that we don’t need to do that anymore. This saves the church and our ministry time and money, and is much quicker for everyone.

Linda: If someone wants to attend, but there isn’t a Marriage 911 class nearby, is there an alternative?

Joe: We offer trained national support partners and online videos once a person orders any of our workbooks or book.

Linda: Where can people get more information about your ministry?

Michelle: For more information about how we started the ministry, and an overview of the contents of the Marriage 911: First Response workbook and other resources, they should visit our website at Marriage 911godsway.com. If they click the “weekly videos” link, they can hear more of our testimony and the testimony of others.

Watch this video where Joe and Michelle tell more about Marriage 911 at “Introduction and Overview of Section One: Where’s Your Focus?” at https://marriage911godsway.com/videos/

For those of you who live in Central Florida, my husband Marv and I will be starting a new Marriage 911 class on January 29. To learn more about the class and see how to sign up, visit https://lindarooks.com/speaking/

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Filed Under: Conflict, Divorce, Interviews, Marital separation, marriage, Marriage problems, marriage resources, men & women, Reconciliation, Uncategorized Tagged With: , , , , , ,

Would I Be Happier with a Divorce?

September 3, 2019 by 6 Comments

When problems begin eating away at your marriage, one question that often rises to the surface is whether you might be happier with a divorce. In fact, if crisis erupts, it may be one of the first options that come to mind.

But would divorce make you happier? Would it resolve the turmoil and nagging anxiety that keeps you off balance?  And would remaining in a seemingly bad marriage keep you miserable?

With these questions in mind, Sociologist Linda Waite and a team of family experts conducted a study of 5,212 married adults a number of years ago, asking them if they were happy, very happy, unhappy, or very unhappy.  Then, five years later, they interviewed these individuals again, asking them the same questions.

The results were surprising.

Of those who originally rated their marriage as unhappy, two-thirds of them who stayed married ranked their marriage as happy five years later. But even more dramatic was the turnaround of those who rated their marriages as VERY unhappy.  Five years after the original interview, eight out of ten of those who initially rated their marriage as very unhappy, now reported five years later that their marriage was now happy.

So what happened?

The most important factor for those couples who turned unhappy marriages into happy marriages was commitment. The study found that in order to overcome obstacles so happiness in the marriage could be achieved, the process had to begin with commitment. Then appropriate change could take place. These couples apparently rejected the idea that they would be happier with a divorce, but how that happiness was attained was accomplished in three different ways.

In some cases, couples actively worked to solve their problems and did. But for others in a second scenario, happiness came about in a different way. For them, the sources of conflicts that had divided husband and wife eventually disappeared as financial and job problems eased, conflicts over children went away, depression let up, or the pain of infidelity faded. Finally, a third group of these overcomers simply found alternative sources of happiness for themselves by not depending on their spouses to make them happy.

These people were not just trying to cope with simple, solvable problems. In interviewing 55 of these formerly unhappy couples who had achieved happiness in their marriages five years later, the researchers found that many of them had endured extended periods of unhappiness, including such things as “alcoholism, infidelity, verbal abuse, emotional neglect, depression, illness, and work reversals.” 1

Those who divorced

So what happened to those who thought they would be happier with a divorce? If they got a divorce, were they happier with the end result?

In this study collected by the National Survey of Family and Households, researchers found that partners who divorced after rating themselves as unhappy in their marriages were typically no happier than those unhappy adults who stayed married—even if they remarried.

After controlling for race, age, gender, and income and rating participants on 12 different measures of psychological well-being, the study showed that “divorce did not typically reduce symptoms of depression, raise self-esteem, or increase a sense of mastery.”2 Although some sources of stress were eliminated, other situations were set in motion by the divorce which resulted in new problems. These included, “the response of one’s spouse to divorce, the reactions of children, potential disappointments and aggravation in custody, child support, and visitation orders, new financial or health stresses for one or both parents, and new relationships or marriages.”3

So what’s the answer? Would you be happier with a divorce?

When we consider the three types of approaches mentioned by the researchers that enabled couples to turn unhappy marriages into happy marriages, the attitude chosen by the third group of overcomers who found alternative sources of happiness may be the best place to start. Instead of relying on their partners to make them happy, they found something else to focus on. No one can meet all of our needs, and when we depend on our spouses to make us happy, they will invariably fall short. Only God can meet all of our needs. So for us as believers, when problems come, if we begin by focusing on Jesus instead of our spouse, He can lift us above those painful circumstances and give us a peace and joy that surmounts the stress of our situation. He can open our eyes to the answers He has for us . . . and that brings us to the plan used by the first group who overcame a bad marriage to turn it into a good marriage . . .

Change.

When we focus on God, He can show us the changes He wants us to make as individuals to make us into the persons He wants us to be. He can also lead us to make needed changes in our relationship. As believers, we are all hopefully in the process of becoming who God wants us to be, and when we surrender our situations to Him, He can use them to purify our hearts and lives. His Word shows us how to communicate in healthy ways, and when we spend more time poring over God’s Word to find the wisdom He has for us, we can begin to see new ways to improve our relationships.

And that brings us to the second group who simply seemed to outlast their problems. What is true today might not be true tomorrow.  Our lives are ever-evolving. Circumstances change. Children grow up. Jobs come and go. Finances can change dramatically. When we make serious lifelong decisions based on a temporary juncture in life, we cut short our ability to see God’s overall plan for redemption and reconciliation. When we can join with our spouse to push through these temporary stresses, the partnership we form together can outlast life’s troubles and worries to create a beautiful and lasting union we will celebrate in times to come. When we give God time to work and surrender our problems to Him, He is faithful to give us answers along with His peace and joy

Tipping the Scales

So would you be happier with a divorce?

When we grow impatient with our circumstances and seek relief from the pain and discomfort they bring, divorce may appear to be the answer. And in some cases, such as with physical abuse or a spouse who persists in a sinful lifestyle that harms the family, there may be no other choice. But as the above study suggested, in many cases, we may just be inviting new problems into our life.

What can tip the scales in favor of fighting for our marriages is how much we believe in the power and wisdom of God.

When we believe that God is sovereign and has the power to move mountains, we can also rest in the assurance that He can change hearts and lives. If we believe His promise that He does indeed bring beauty from ashes, we can give the ashes of a crumbling marriage to Him while we wait for the beauty and joy of resurrection to appear.  Then we will discover the truth of Psalm 30:5, which says, “Weeping may endure for a night, But joy comes in the morning.”

 

If you are willing to fight for your marriage, let me walk with you through the pages of my book, Fighting for Your Marriage while Separated. There you will find practical help that can guide you toward reconciliation even if you’re fighting for your marriage alone.

Statistics and quotes above taken from: “Does Divorce Make People Happy? Findings from a Study of Unhappy Marriages” by Linda J. Waite, Don Browning, William J. Doherty, Maggie Gallagher, Ye Luo, and Scott M. Stanley, Institute for American Values.

What do you think of the results of this study? Add a comment and share what’s on your mind.

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Filed Under: Conflict, disappointment, Divorce, Hope, How to win, loss, Love, Marital separation, marriage, Marriage problems, Problems, Reconciliation, Trusting God, Uncategorized Tagged With: , , , , , , , , , ,

The Power of Forgiving the Unforgivable

August 21, 2019 by Leave a Comment

Guest post by Andrea Chatelain

The situation was out of my control as I watched people I love stung by betrayal.

With anger, sadness, and hope all fighting for my attention, my emotions swung back and forth to become a bitter weapon at one moment or a peaceful salve at another. I felt useless—until I realized the healing power I possessed, but was holding back: undeserved forgiveness.

When the people I love are hurt, my first reaction is sometimes to speak and act out of my emotion rather than my faith. But as I recently navigated relational pain, God pushed me to remember my story—how He pursued me. He used some of my darkest moments for my good, to bring me closer to Him in faith. And if it’s true for me, it’s true for those who’ve hurt me too.

Jesus taught and modeled some hard lessons to swallow. Love your enemy. Be peacemakers. Pursue mercy. Forgive because your Heavenly Father has forgiven you. These commands all sound good, until you have to put them into practice. If you’re like me, your heart sends out condemning messages instead like, You hurt me! You don’t deserve my forgiveness! How could you do that? That was wrong.

That’s why I need the Holy Spirit to guide my thoughts. I have to check in with truth in Scripture of what I’ve freely received from God and never deserved.

Like this…

“So if there is any encouragement in Christ, any comfort from love, any participation in the Spirit, any affection and sympathy, complete my joy by being of the same mind, having the same love, being in full accord and of one mind. Do nothing from selfish ambition or conceit, but in humility count others more significant than yourselves” (Philippians 2:1-3 ESV).

That Scripture challenges me to ask, what do I get from knowing Jesus? And do others receive the overflow from me?

I think of how He’s comforted and encouraged me through depression and anxiety. How in Him I found mercy and unconditional love in spite of my rebellion. As I reflected on times I screwed up big or small, hurt others, or acted foolish and sinful, I map out evidence that God pursued me in my pits. It’s the jolt of reality I need to help me forgive others well.

God grew a beautiful faith out of my blunders. Knowing He loved me despite my imperfection, switches my mindset towards others who outwardly offend. God’s actively redeeming their story too. No matter how far they’ve gone.

So when my thoughts want to condemn the people who feel like my enemy, the Holy Spirit counters saying, Who are you to stand in my way of redeeming my people? I bought you back when you were a sinner. And I’m on a mission to free them too. You get to choose what role you want to play. You can be a mirror of the undeserved life-giving forgiveness that I extended to you, or you can harbor bitterness that leads them farther away.

 We forgive because we’ve been forgiven. But we also forgive because we know that knowing Jesus is the only way for our enemies to change. It’s a springboard for God to do His redemptive work in their lives.

 Paul urges this, saying, “For such a one, this punishment by the majority is enough, so you should rather turn to forgive and comfort him, or he may be overwhelmed by excessive sorrow. So I beg you to reaffirm your love for him” (2 Corinthians 2:6-8 ESV).

I’ve seen people punished by the majority for their sins. And at times, I wanted to heap coals on the fire too. But God calls us to be a different kind of firelight.

When we choose the harder way of forgiveness, Paul says we save that person from excessive sorrow and we bring them back into love. It’s a beautiful picture of the gospel. The person will never forget it. And you can be sure God will use your faithfulness for His glory and your good.

What have you received freely from Christ? When have you felt His comfort, love, and mercy? When have you needed forgiveness? Reach out, reaffirm your brotherly or sisterly love for someone who perhaps doesn’t deserve forgiveness. Pray that God uses your obedience to help that person experience God’s love in a big way. And trust that He is actively working in their story just like He redeemed yours.

About the Author

Andrea Chatelain’s mission is to meet those who are struggling and love them forward with God’s truth. She’s a Midwest mom of three, faith and family writer at A Fruitful Woman, writer/speaker for WhollyLoved Ministries, and college English instructor to immigrants and refugees. She believes God is still in the business of restoring and redeeming His people, and she loves connecting with others to remind them of God’s love.

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Filed Under: Conflict, disappointment, forgiveness, Jesus, Problems, Prodigals, Reconciliation, Uncategorized Tagged With: , , , ,

Why Can’t He Be More Like Me?, Author Interview with Poppy Smith

July 10, 2019 by Leave a Comment

“Why can’t he be more like me?”

I’m sure many of us women have looked at our husbands at times and struggled with that question. Why does he do the things he does? Why can’t he think and act the way I do? In my interview with Poppy Smith about her book, Why Can’t He Be More Like Me?, you will learn her answer to that bewildering question.  It’s clear to me that Poppy feels deeply about marriage and the importance of sharing what she’s learned with women who are grappling with this issue, for despite a very busy schedule, she graciously worked this interview with me in between edits of her newest book and flights in and out of the country for speaking engagements.

Poppy Smith is British, married to an American, and is an international speaker and multi-published author.  Her delightful sense of humor and honest practicality is evident in some of her book titles: I’m Too Young to Be This Old; and I’m Too Human to Be Like Jesus.  I believe you will be encouraged by the wisdom she has to share with you.

Linda: Tell us why you wrote Why Can’t He Be More Like Me. Does it come from your personal struggles?

Poppy:  Marriage is difficult for many reasons and our culture’s message is, If you’re unhappy, move on. But God has another message, use your difficulties and differences to grow closer to Him and let Him change you.

I’m from England and met and married my American husband, Jim, when I lived and worked as a secretary in Kenya. Neither of us was in ministry. I was a young, immature Christian and Jim was a doctor with the Peace Corp. Six weeks after our wedding we came to America. I was 22, an immigrant without family or friends. Jim was the only person I knew and he was buried in his studies and work. Desperately lonely, I became very angry, questioning what I had done and where God was. I wanted to run back to Kenya or England, but knew that wasn’t what God wanted.

I was miserable for many years, but bit by bit God helped me. I learned to analyze where our problems were coming from, how to adjust my expectations, and how to accept life with someone who was my total opposite. As a speaker, author, and spiritual life-coach, I’ve found that through my difficult experiences I’m able to identify with and minister to both single and married women. I wrote, Why Can’t He Be More Like Me? to help women who are considering marriage, or baffled and upset by the man they married. It is full of practical tools and quizzes to help singles and couples understand themselves and why their relationship isn’t all they dreamed of and what they can do about it.

Linda: What do you think lies behind difficulties in marriage?

 Poppy:  There are many reasons. We have expectations that we’ve never been aware of, until we find them not being met.  Often we assume we have the same ways of looking at things, same values, same tastes, and same priorities.  We think our way of thinking and doing things is normal and wonder what the matter is with our spouse. My chapter, He’s Not My Clone, deals with many of these reasons.

 Linda: Do you think that a couple’s different upbringings can sometimes contribute to difficulties?poppy-smith

Poppy: Yes, even if you marry the boy next door, you still had different upbringings that can produce conflict. I expected my husband to lock the doors at night because my father did, Jim didn’t think about it because they never locked their home on the farm.  I tackle this common source of many disagreements in We Weren’t Raised in the Same Home. We can have different values, work ethics, ideas on raising children, handling conflict, money, communication and countless other issues because we were raised differently.

Linda: What about their different personalities and ways of processing information and events?

Poppy: Research shows that the brains of men and women are wired differently.  Understanding this fact can reduce a lot of conflict.  Understanding your personality type is also extremely helpful.  You might want to be involved in lots of events, but your spouse might prefer a quieter life. He might have high energy and want to be the life of the party, maybe he is loud or dominant. You might be the opposite, soft-spoken and preferring quiet.  Opposites often attract, but unless both partners learn to accept and respect one another, their differences can often lead to attacks.   There’s no perfect match of personalities that will ensure a happy marriage. In the end, every relationship is determined by how you treat each other. Appreciate your different strengths and focus on them.

Linda: In Why Can’t He Be More Like Me, you talk about men and women having some emotional needs in common, but they also have different needs.  Tell us more about that.

Poppy: Studies show that a primary need of women is affection.  For men, it is sexual intimacy.

Most of us feel loved when our husband spontaneously hugs and kisses us.  The majority of men, however, feel loved and accepted when their wife is sensitive to their sexual needs. Both want to feel loved, but it is perceived in different ways.  God made men with a legitimate sexual hunger that we are to respect as part of His design. Other human needs we have in common are attention, admiration, companionship, encouragement and domestic support.

Linda: Learning to communicate so you both hear what the other is saying is a key part of understanding each other.  What have you found most helpful?

Poppy: I took it for granted that my husband would know when I wanted attention and affection. That he’d know the sweet, soothing words I needed when I was upset. When this didn’t happen, I was hurt and wallowed in disappointment and negativity toward him.  I’ve learned that I need to adjust my expectations of him, because he just doesn’t think or respond as I would. He’s not bad, he’s a man. He’s not a woman and he’s not my clone.  I now explain my feelings and needs to him and ask for what I want at that moment. In addition, we’ve both learned to speak up when we feel hurt by the other. This enables us to apologize and grow closer as a couple.  

Linda: How can a couple find healthy ways to deal with conflict.

Poppy: I give many steps to defuse conflict in He Handles Conflict One Way, I Handle It Another. Four simple tips are: Learn to stop and ask yourself: what is this conflict about? Sometimes you’re reacting to different issues and don’t realize it.

Listen to each other’s reasoning and feelings without interrupting.

Decide what’s best for your relationship, not who is right.

Practice taking turns with who gets their preference.

Linda: Where can people find your book, Why Can’t He Be More Like Me?

Poppy:  You can order it anywhere books are sold. I’m delighted to send a signed copy if it’s ordered from my website: www.poppysmith.com  Your readers can find more at my website about my other books and the various topics I speak on—including marriage, domestic violence, the power of our words, and how to thrive no matter what.

 

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Understanding Personality Differences in Your Marriage

July 3, 2019 by 2 Comments

Photo by andrew welch on Unsplash

One of the odd and sometimes sad realities of many marriages is that the opposites, which originally contributed to your falling in love, can actually begin to erode the relationship in the later stages of marriage. The same opposites that first attracted you can eventually become annoying and bring about conflict.

To the serious minded person, that happy-go-lucky personality that originally beguiled her can begin to feel frivolous and unsupportive. She wants someone who helps around the house and relieves some of the workload. Likewise, for the fun-loving person who was originally drawn to the character strengths of his serious-minded mate, those qualities can eventually begin to seem dull, drab, and unexciting. He doesn’t want to spend his time working; he wants someone who likes to have fun.

In this kind of scenario, resentments can grow and marriages begin to unravel.

But it doesn’t have to be this way. Understanding those basic personality traits and learning to use the strengths and weaknesses of each partner to compliment the other can actually give you a stronger marriage and fill in the gaps. As you learn to appreciate each other’s strengths and humbly admit your own weaknesses, you become a stronger team to face life’s challenges.

Ann and Rocky

 

“When we learned about the personality differences and saw that I was a lion and he was an otter, we began to understand why we had some of the conflicts we had,” Ann told our Marriage 911 class when she and her husband gave their testimony a few years after they had reconciled from a four year separation. ”It was so much easier for us to work together and make the most of our strengths and weaknesses. Understanding the personalities made a huge difference in our relationship and the way we interacted with each other.”

The “lion” and “otter” Ann refers to are the terms sometimes used to describe two of the four personality types first developed by Hippocrates. The more universal terms used by him and many personality professionals are sanguine, choleric, melancholy, and phlegmatic. The animal equivalents Ann referred to are otter, lion, beaver, and golden retriever. Some newer and more descriptive terms developed by Linda Golden and Linda Goldfarb in their book, Linked, Maximizing Life Connections One Link at Time, are socializer, mobilizer, organizer, and stabilizer.

Understanding Personality Differences

As Gilden and Goldfarb describe them, the socializer or sanguine is the  playful one or the life of the party, the mobilizer or choleric is the powerful personality that gets things done, the organizer or melancholy is the purposeful personality who keeps everything in order, and the stabilizer or phlegmatic is the easy going one who keeps things peaceful.

When my husband Marv and I took the tests, we discovered he falls into the sanguine, otter, socializer cagegory, and I am the melancholy, beaver, organizer. Marv has a great sense of humor, is a good conversationalist and a people magnet and is generally tuned into the pop culture. I am more serious and analytical, usually have a list to accomplish, and love working with words. My secondary trait is socializer and  his is stabilizer. I love the fun he brings into my life, and he appreciates my nesting instincts that keep our lives in order.

Through the years we’ve gradually learned how our personality characteristics can work together to form a more perfect union as man and wife, but it has taken time.

Packing for Family Vacations

When Marv and I went on a recent trip to the mountains, we laughed at the angst we used to experience in our early marriage when we took vacations with the children. One of the stresses we regularly encountered was the job of packing the car. Being the husband, the father, and the man of the house, he would haul the suitcases out to the car and load them into the trunk. I would typically come out, look inside, and want him to rearrange things to make more room for additional bags and paraphernalia the children and I would bring.  It was one of the conflicts that often put a damper on the start of family road trips.

After many years of such frustration, we finally came to a realization about our innate strengths and weaknesses and made a change that satisfied us both. So today while he is stronger than I and carries the suitcases out to the car, I take on the role of organizer and happily set about moving the suitcases and bags around in the trunk until everything fits perfectly. For me as the melancholy, beaver, organizer personality, it is like putting together a puzzle. Meanwhile, he can sit back and watch me maneuver things around while getting out some music CDs to play in the car. As a result, the car is less crowded and more neatly put together and the trip more enjoyable.. Both of us are happy.

Discovering Your Personality Types

By taking the tests at one of the links below, you can discover your own personality type and that of your spouse. Often you will find you have a dominant personality type and one that runs a close second. When you recognize your own strengths and weaknesses and those of your mate you can begin to work together as a team by minimizing your own weaknesses in the home environment and benefiting from each other’s strengths.

Eventually, you may find that when you step back from some of your misunderstandings and look at them from the perspective of your personality differences, problematic practices can be tweaked so both of you win.

You can take an online test at one of the following links to discover your own personality types and that of your spouse.

Gotoquiz.com

Solvemymaths.files.wordpress.com

For more help in bringing reconciliation to a troubled marriage, read Fighting for Your Marriage while Separated.

 

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Using Positive Words to Become a Rainmaker in Your Marriage

June 19, 2019 by Leave a Comment

Photo by Morgan Sessions on Unsplash

Although Florida summers are known for their humidity and rain, one year the hot summer sun sizzled across the Florida landscape for several weeks with hardly a trace of rain.  Fires broke out. Yards turned brown and plants were dying. Water bills skyrocketed. When the refreshing rains finally came, I and my fellow Floridians sighed with relief.

As I reminisced about the arid weather that year that caused everything to wither, I thought about relationships that sometimes wither for lack of nourishment. Too often, each person looks to the other for love without realizing they themselves are the rainmakers.  Each of them—by themselves—could bring refreshment to their relationship through the power of uplifting and positive words.

In general, we all know the importance of words.  But often we fail to distinguish the differences in how a man and woman perceive them.  What is important to a woman isn’t necessarily what encourages a man. . . and vice versa.

Meeting Emotional Needs

Early in the separation between my husband and me, I was stunned to realize how terribly my words had missed the mark in meeting his needs.  I thought I was a fairly nice person.  I didn’t cuss or swear.  I didn’t call names.  I didn’t lie.  I tried to be considerate.  So when I started reading books on marriage and honing in on changes I needed to make in myself, I was startled to discover how utterly lacking I was in meeting my husband’s emotional needs.

But why?  Why did I fail in this regard?  One reason can be explained quite simply:  I am a woman and my husband is a man.

John Gray, in his book, Men are From Mars, Women are from Venus, describes the differences in the emotional needs of men and women in the following way.  A man’s primary emotional needs are “trust, acceptance, appreciation, admiration, approval, and encouragement.”  However, “caring, understanding, respect, devotion, validation, and reassurance,” meet the emotional needs of a woman.

As a woman, I assumed the comments I found encouraging would also be uplifting to my husband.  And sometimes I got it right. But too often I didn’t. In the e-mails I get from readers and in the classes my husband and I lead, I have seen how common a problem this is for us as husbands and wives. Yes, men see things through a masculine lens. Women view things from a feminine one. Even science has now shown the differences between the perceptions of men and women through the studies of the brain.

Let’s look at what happens in the common course of our marriages.

Positive Words for the Men

During the demands of everyday family life, a woman‘s verbal exchanges often shift from fostering a relationship to fostering a routine. To move forward with life, we may lose the sense of our husband’s personal needs and focus on responsibilities instead. He becomes our partner in solving problems and fulfilling responsibilities rather than a person who needs the appreciation we may have lavished on him when we were dating or first married.

When our husbands return home from work, we may greet him with a kiss followed by a litany of the frustrations of our day. Okay, the kiss shows we care (we think); the litany of frustrations is a request for understanding. The husband’s eyes gloss over. Having finished his workday, he is looking for approval and appreciation for his contribution to the family. He secretly hopes for an enthusiastic greeting that welcomes him home as hero and man of our dreams.

One of our pastors described with obvious pleasure the greeting he often receives from his wife when he returns home at night. Upon hearing him come in the door, his wife hurries to meet him with a smile, exclaiming, “Here’s my man!” The grin on his face as he told the story said it all. That one statement met many of his emotional needs all wrapped into a few words.  In short, he felt admired, accepted, and appreciated all at once.

Positive words of appreciation like “thank you” and “I think that’s really great that you___ (fill in the blank)” lifts a man’s spirits.  When your husband relates an accomplishment at work, congratulating him with “You’re the greatest; I’m so proud of you,” feeds his need for admiration and makes his spirits soar. Is he feeling like a failure?  Showing confidence in him with, “I know you can do it, or you’ll do better tomorrow,” expresses approval, encouragement, and trust.

When a man messes up, words like, “I know you had a hard day; it’s okay,” gives him a sense of a world in harmony. Celebrating his finishing the 10K with cheers and congratulations—even if he finished last—encourages him and makes him feel appreciated.

In contrast, when a wife says, “Oh, there’s a parking place over there,” another woman might see that as a caring and supportive comment, but a man’s interpretation is that you are not trusting him to find the parking place. Chances are, he even sees a comment like this as controlling and lacking respect.

Sometimes it’s hard as women to just be silent.  But at times no words are the most positive words.

Positive Words for the Women

So what about husbands? How do men miss the mark in meeting the needs of their wives?

Before he marries, a man focuses his attention on his wife-to-be, but afterwards the hunter in him shifts his attention to his career. He walks in the door thinking about his need for personal time and hopes to be appreciated for what he’s accomplished during his work day.  He looks to his wife to be his fan, his support person.

When his wife meets him at the door with a list of her troubles, he sighs in frustration, assuming he is expected to fix all her problems. But what she really wants is understanding, respect, and validation. He only needs to sit and listen and validate her for doing her best, and that is enough. At the end of his listening, she will feel understood, respected, validated, and reassured—emotional needs met and few words needed. He does not have to fix the problem.

To be a loving husband, upon arriving at home a man needs to shift gears and reach outside of himself so he can open his ears and heart  to what his wife has to say about her day.  He needs to study her needs, and be ready to communicate, realizing it’s not yet time to tune out.

At various times, saying, “I love you,” “This was a great dinner” or “you look beautiful in that new blouse,” gives her the feeling of being cared for, validated, and reassured. When you see her struggling to open a jar or having difficulty with a project, saying, “Here, let me help you with that” and then doing it if she wants you to, shows that you care.

When she has something to tell you, listen. That shows respect. When she cries, put your arm around her or hold her hand and tell her you love her. That shows devotion and caring.  On the other hand, when you don’t say encouraging words in circumstances like these, she may feel you don’t care, don’t respect her, and don’t understand.

When your wife expresses ideas that are different from yours, listen. Instead of bulldozing them, try them on for size. If your wife is complaining about you, really listen.  Instead of getting defensive, take a deep breath, nod your head and say “Okay, I’ll think about that.” Then go to the Bible or talk to a Christian friend to see if there is truth to her concerns. If there is, act accordingly. She will feel validated, understood and cared for.

For both men and women, positive listening and patient silences can be just as important as positive words.

Positive Words When Separated

But whether you’re a man or a woman, what if you’ve really blown it?  Perhaps your marriage is in crisis or you’re separated?  Sit down and think about positive words or actions that can meet the emotional needs of your spouse.  Make a list. Then take advantage of each time you are together to put them into action.

The bottom line, however, is that in our human fallenness, none of us is adequate to meet all the emotional needs of our spouses.  Only God can do that.  And only God can give us the wisdom to satisfactorily meet even some of their needs ourselves.  But as we look to Him in humility and ask for guidance, He will strengthen our hearts and show us how to love.  When the Bible instructs men “to love their wives” and a woman “to respect her husband,” it tells us there’s a difference in the needs of men and women.  When we explore this instruction further and flesh it out in real life situations and words we understand, we will learn how to nourish marriages that were in the process of withering for lack of love.

For more help in healing a hurting marriage, my new book, Fighting for Your Marriage while Separated, might give you the support you’re looking for.

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Understanding our Differences

June 12, 2019 by Leave a Comment

Why do we like differences?

Why do we not like differences?

Yes, two opposite questions and two opposite assumptions.

Sometimes differences are exciting and add vibrancy and variety to our lives. Other times differences are irritating and rub us the wrong way.

If everything and everyone was the same, it might be boring, right? We like life to be colorful and interesting. But when people are different, we can have a hard time understanding and relating to something that is unfamiliar to our own thinking.

Last week I did two interviews. One was for women on a show called “Girlfriendit!” And a few days later I did an interview on a show for men called “Real Men Connect.” (This one won’t go on air for another 3 weeks.) The questions and the perspectives by the interviewers were vastly different; in one case we spoke into the needs and emotional responses of a woman, and in the other case we spoke into the needs and natural inclinations of a man. But in both cases the interview was for people who want to fight for their marriage during a separation or a troubled period in their relationship.

Last week my blog interview with Joyce Zook about her book 12 Keys for Marriage Success, What a Wife Can Do To Create a Wonderful Marriage was directed to women. The interview brought out some of the differences of men and women that a woman might want to consider in trying to improve her marriage. In a few weeks, I hope to have another interview with a man who brings out a man’s perspective.

Differences. It’s important to understand them.

For the next few weeks on Heart Talk, I want to talk about differences. What I’ve found over the years is that sometimes the frustrations we feel with our mates are not because our spouses are intentionally doing something to be selfish, ornery, or difficult. Instead, natural differences between us cause them to act in ways that simply do not correspond with our own expectations.

These can be:

  • men/women differences,
  • personality differences, or
  • differences in what makes us feel loved by our spouse.

So for the next few weeks, join me in this discussion. And if you have perspectives you’d like to add or questions you’d like to ask, I welcome them. Let’s discuss differences.

What are some of the good things you appreciate about differences between you and your spouse?

Read more about how to reconcile a broken marriage in my book, Fighting for Your Marriage while Separated., A Practical Guide for the Brokenhearted.

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Seedbed of Discovery

April 24, 2019 by Leave a Comment

Create in me a clean heart, O God; and renew a right spirit within me.  (Psalm 51:10 KJV)

Dressed in jean shorts and an old shirt, I pull on my gardening gloves, grab the Folgers coffee can where I keep my gardening tools and head to the patch of dirt by the screen porch. Winter has now passed, and my Florida spring garden needs refreshing. With the annuals from last year gone, invasive ferns have already encroached on the area, and a number of weeds have popped up.

I crouch on my knees beside the bed and dive into my work. Weeds need pulling, dirt needs loosening and holes need digging. As I work, I think about the beauty that will take place once I’m done. For it is here I create a seedbed of discovery where the flowers I bought at the nursery can begin to grow and bloom.

But first I need to dig into the dirt. When peat and fertilizer get mixed into the soil and dust flies everywhere, I’m in the midst of it. I ruthlessly pull weeds, dig holes for planting, scoop up soil and pat it down around the new plants. Although I wear gloves, dirt manages to find thin places and tears in the fabric, and the powdery Florida sand works its way beneath my fingernails. Fine grains have even seeped through the canvas of my tennis shoes. At the end of my labor, the flower bed looks pretty, but I don’t. I’m a mess. I’m covered with dirt.

But I really don’t mind the dirt. Strangely, when the dirt and I intermingle in the garden, I feel closer to God and the outdoors I love. It’s here pulling weeds and digging in the dirt, that God often whispers His words of wisdom to me, life changing truths written through the analogies of nature. It often becomes the seedbed of my own discovery.

Like digging in the garden to make things beautiful, life sometimes means getting down into the dirt and feeling a little dirty in order to find the truth. Cleaning up our lives means conquering avoidance. Overcoming problems means facing things we don’t like, plunging forward, grappling with the unlovely things in our relationships or our own natures. We can’t pretend they’re not there. We can’t turn our head. We can’t stay on our gardening pillow. Sifting through the dirt can lead us to the seedbed of our discovery.

“If you call out for insight and cry aloud for understanding, and if you look for it as for silver and search for it as for hidden treasure, then you will understand the fear of the Lord and find the knowledge of God. For the Lord gives wisdom and from his mouth come knowledge and understanding. He holds victory in store for the upright, he is a shield to those whose walk is blameless” (Proverbs 2:3-8).

Although I like the pursuit of gardening and don’t even mind getting dirty, my reward at the end is a lovely, refreshing shower. The flow of cool water spilling over my sweaty and dusty body cleanses and renews me, and I am ready for the rest of the day.

When we honestly look at ourselves in this seedbed of discovery and allow God to show us the changes we need to make, He is so amazingly gracious. He doesn’t leave us there in our sin or make us wallow in our past even though we may fear He will.  For when we focus our gaze on Him and allow His word to refresh our souls, His Spirit washes through us and makes us clean. He renews our hearts and minds and sets us on a path to a future of grace and goodness so we are ready for what comes next.

But sometimes it begins by digging down into our own seedbed of discovery so we can learn the truths God has waiting for us.

“Be transformed by the renewing of your mind.” Romans 12:2

What do you need to face right now?  How can God’s Holy Spirit refresh you and make you clean?

©Linda Rooks 2019

Fighting for Your Marriage while Separated is now available at your favorite online retailers.

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Don’t Go To Bed Angry, Stay Up and Fight, Interview with Author Deb DeArmond

November 27, 2018 by Leave a Comment

Conflict and poor communication skills are often cited as some of the top reasons for divorce today. Deb DeArmond and her husband Ron, in their newest book, Don’t Go To Bed Angry, Stay Up and Fight, provide insight into how to divert potential conflict into a healthy conversation instead. In our interview Deb maps out a plan for couples when anger escalates and is about to undermine a necessary discussion. In addition to authoring three books on family relationships, Deb is a speaker and relationship coach with the goal of helping her clients improve their interactions both at work and at home. Don’t Go To Bed Angry won the 2018 Selah Award for Christian non-fiction.

Linda: The title of your book is intriguing, Deb. What do you mean when you say, “Don’t go to bed angry; stay up and fight?”

Deb: When my husband and I wrote this book, Linda, we conducted surveys, interviews, and facilitated a focus group. Most Christians who attended marriage preparation or counseling through their church were given the direction found in Ephesians 4:26: “And don’t sin by letting anger control you. Don’t let the sun go down while you are still angry,” (NLT). It’s often considered the most significant rule of marital bliss offered to engaged or newly married couple.

But let’s examine the scripture carefully. It does not say: “Stay up all night if necessary until you come to a mutual solution.” Nor does the passage suggest, “There will be no sleep until you have arrived at a peaceful, detailed decision you can both support.”

It’s not what it says. But it’s what many of us have come to believe.

Linda: What would you say this scripture directs us to do?

Deb: Just as it suggests: Steer clear of sin and refuse to let anger control the conversation. The scripture encourages us to stop the anger and take it out of the equation. How? We stop the discussion once we recognize anger has taken center stage, directing what we say and how we say it.

Linda: So if couples stop the discussion at this point, what do they do instead? How do they proceed to find a solution to the conflict?

Deb: We deal with the anger. Right then, in that moment. Either spouse can stop and say something like, “Let’s step back for a moment. We’ve lost control of the discussion and anger has taken over the conversation. It’s not pleasing to God and it’s not good for us. Would you forgive me for allowing the enemy to fuel my words, my tone, and (if appropriate) my volume? I don’t think it’s likely we can reach a solid solution tonight. Could we agree to delay making a decision and reconcile our differences tomorrow morning after a good night’s sleep?”

Linda:  How does that work? What if the other spouse is unwilling?

Deb: They might be. But most often, we’ve discovered, couples just want it to be done. At least for the moment. We’re exhausted and so often we have not previously had a method to peacefully disengage without someone just throwing in the towel. And when there’s no resolution, we’re destined to experience that same conflict in the future.

Realistically, conflict could happen any time of day. The time doesn’t matter. As long as you agree on a time to come back together to reach agreement, you are on the right path.

Linda: What inspired you and your husband to arrive at this process?

Deb:  There are two principles or truths at work here; we submit to both. The first is: if you have to fight, fight fair. And the second is even more essential: be clear about who the enemy is—and isn’t.

There is an enemy who sets himself against us because we follow Jesus. His identity is made clear in Ephesians 6:12: “For we are not fighting against flesh-and-blood enemies, but against evil rulers and authorities of the unseen world, against mighty powers in this dark world, and against evil spirits in the heavenly places,” (NLT).

People —in this case, our mate—are not the enemy. We don’t need to target them or engage in the wrong combat.

Linda: What do you mean by the “wrong combat?”

Deb: There’s two components in play.

We just discussed the first component: remembering who the real enemy is. When we fight against one another in anger, we both lose, and our marriage suffers. But fighting—together—for our marriage is essential.

The second component is more complex. We treat conflict as a problem. Many avoid conflict at all costs. As a result, conflict exists; it’s not expressed, but it remains and it’s unresolved.

Conflict is not the real problem. It’s how we deal with it that determines where it takes us. Conflict begins with a difference of opinion, experience, belief, or perception.

When conflict is handled poorly, carelessly, or callously, it can lead to damage, and ultimately, destruction of the relationship.

It can also lead to discovery—greater insight and understanding of our partner’s thoughts, feelings, and perspective. As in “Wow! I never saw it that way. That’s great.” Or “Now I understand how what I said hurt you. Thanks for helping me see that.”

It’s up to us to choose which direction we will go – discovery or destruction.

Linda: Good insights! What tools can you share with us that might be helpful to choose discovery over destruction?

Deb: Interestingly, poor communication was the highest rated cause of conflict in our survey. So, if the problem started because of poor communication, solving it verbally is not a reliable option. Tools are essential to tackling this issue. Skill power is far greater than willpower when it comes to choosing a healthy approach to conflict.

Building strong communication skills prevent a disagreement from becoming a war, and if a battle breaks out, we’re equipped to declare a truce. We must learn to deal with what we’ve created.

We will use the four letters of D-E-A-L as a way to remember a proactive approach to free yourself (and your loved one) from escalating into anger.

D – Don’t take the bait.

E – Explain the impact of the behavior and express your expectations.

A – Ask questions to draw your spouse into dialogue.

L – Let go of the need to manage your mate’s behavior. Self-manage your own.

Linda: Could you explain these points a little further?

Deb: Okay, let’s talk about how to deal with conflict before it gets away from us and develops into a destructive discussion. 

  • Don’t Take the Bait

When the bait is dangled on that hook, their goal is to get you to bite, to react in the moment in order to serve the purposes of the one serving the bait, regardless of the impact on you.

But whether it’s silence or volume, sarcasm or vindictiveness your mate expresses, your objective is to respond, not react. What’s the difference? A response is a thoughtful, purposeful reply, considered and chosen according to your relationship with your spouse and God.

A reaction is an in-the-moment reply often based on emotion like anger, hurt, or pride. Think of it as the quick-draw retort that you (and the Lord) will regret the moment it leaves your lips.

  • Explain the impact of the behavior and express your expectations.

Help your spouse recognize and understand the impact on you as a result of the issue. Express your expectations as the conversation continues. For example, if your spouse yells to make the point in an attempt to overpower you and push your concern aside, it’s important to respond appropriately. Here’s how that might sound:

“We agreed to curb spending, but your purchase disregarded our agreement. I feel disregarded, too. It’s a trust issue. We need to talk about this, but please let’s discuss it respectfully without raised voices or anger.”

Once the impact is explained, and expectations are established, you’re ready to move ahead and begin the discussion.

  • Ask questions to draw your spouse into dialogue.

Open-ended questions invite engagement. They often start with how or what. The purpose here  is to invite your spouse into solutions-building, with the goal of a joint decision. Continuing our example, it may sound like this:

“If the positions were reversed, how would you feel? What message would you take had I been the spender today?”

“How do we keep this from continuing? What steps can we take to insure there are no more surprises?”

You may discover information you were unaware of, changing the way you view the issue. Or not. Either way, you’re beginning the work of building a solution together.

Eventually, steps will surface, and you can begin to create a plan.

Be patient and remember, you manage you, let your spouse do the same. Which brings us to the final element of dealing with the conflict.

  • Let go of the need to control your mate’s behavior. Self-manage your own.

This conversation is not about me controlling you. I’m here to control me.

Even if you never verbalize this, don’t ever forget it. We have our hands full managing our own behavior. You can redirect the tone and direction of the conversation if you remember this principle.

You may be tempted to try to manage or control his/her behavior. Remember your first priority is to give your spouse insight into how their behavior impacts you. It’s best done with an attitude of, “I’m here to give you helpful information about me and how this affected me.” This approach gives your spouse the benefit of the doubt, which helps minimize the potential offense and moves the couple forward.

And forward is where we want to go!

Linda: Thanks Deb. Where can readers find out more about you and your books?

Deb: You can find out more about my books and my ministry at Deb DeArmond/Family Matters (www.debdearmond.com)

 

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Filed Under: BOOKS, Conflict, How to win, Interviews, marriage, Marriage problems, Uncategorized Tagged With: , , ,
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