A Savior Who Knows the Pain of Rejection

March 31, 2021 by Leave a Comment

As we approach Easter and the celebration of the resurrection, we first come to the cross.As we approach Easter and the celebration of the resurrection, we first come to the cross.

For before the victory is the pain and suffering.

If we are among those who have suffered rejection, we meet there a Savior who knows our pain. For not only did Jesus suffer the pain of an excruciating death on the cross and the unrelenting harassment by his enemies, but during his most horrific moments of his earthly life, HE ALSO EXPERIENCED REJECTION FROM THOSE CLOSEST TO HIM.

As he was marched to his execution, where were his disciples, the men He had loved and poured His life into for the past three years?

THEY HAD DESERTED HIM, scattered in fear and confusion. One of them had betrayed Him, taken the sweet privilege of walking beside Him, enjoying his companionship, and listening to His personal confidences and used this intimacy to turn him into his enemies.

Another, Peter, who had vowed to fight for Him, never to leave Him crumbled at the simple questioning and accusations of a humble servant girl, swearing to her that HE DIDN’T EVEN KNOW HIM. Then, in shame, he too had run away.

Of the twelve, only the disciple John stood by him. And, indeed, his mother.

Yes, JESUS KNEW REJECTION.  He knows our pain. And He comes to us as He did long ago to heal us, comfort us, and give us a newness of life. For those of us who felt the stab of betrayal or rejection from spouses who vowed to love us for a lifetime, we are not alone. The very God of the Universe, the One who created us, and told us He came to heal the brokenhearted and bind up our wounds knows the pain of rejection from those closest to him on this earth.

Sometimes on this desolate journey, we feel all alone. No one seems to understand just how painful rejection can be when a spouse turns their back on us. We don’t know where to turn, who to talk to. But as we come to the cross, as we look up to the One who spilled out his blood on our behalf, whose love bleeds sacrificially into the healing of our hearts, we can know WE HAVE A SAVIOR WHO DOES UNDERSTAND. He’s been there. He’s felt our pain. He loves us, and He promises to heal our broken hearts.

This Easter, experience your Savior’s love as a personal gift to you. Let the love He offered on the cross heal the wounds of rejection.

And as the salve of love binds up your heart, allow yourself to capture the beautiful climax of what happened next. JESUS SHOWS US THAT REJECTION AND PAIN ARE NOT THE END. That with Him beside us, there is victory. Let Him comfort you in your pain, but through His resurrection, let Him also show you the path to the abundant life He so desperately wants you to have. He wants so much for you to experience the wonderful new life He has for you that He died to give it to you.

If you’re looking for more help to heal your broken heart, I pray my book, Broken Heart on Hold, Surviving Separation, can help fill in the gaps.

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Filed Under: comfort, Depression, Easter, Grief, Jesus, Lonliness, loss, Love, Pain, Receiving Christ, Rejection, Uncategorized Tagged With: , , , , , , ,

The Challenge of Letting Go

February 17, 2021 by Leave a Comment

Photo by Zac Durant

RESTORING A BROKEN MARRIAGE RELATIONSHIP encompasses a number of steps and heart changes along the way. But as I’ve walked beside people over the years, the most important one that takes place in an individual’s heart prior to the marriage actually being restored is when the one fighting for the marriage is able to truly let go and give it to God.

It’s hard to do though, and it’s not easy to understand.

I talk about it a lot, and as I think about it today, I remember a conversation I had years ago at a get-together with some women who were struggling through marital separation. One of the women whose marriage had already made tremendous progress toward healing, began talking about the importance of “letting go.”

The young woman beside me knit her brow with a perplexed expression and frowned. “I get right to the point of being able to let go,” she said, pinching her fingers together as though about to drop something, “and then . . . I just can’t do it.”

The woman next to her nodded. “That’s right. Me too. That’s how I am.”

An Image from The Lord of the Rings

My husband Marv and I had recently watched all three DVD’s of The Lord of the Rings movie, and as my friend spoke, my mind immediately conjured up the image of Frodo standing on the cliff at the end of the movie. He holds his hand over the edge of the precipice with the ring dangling at the end of the chain. Beneath, is the raging fire which has been his destination all through the movie. It is the one place where he can release the ring, see it destroyed, and with it destroy the evil that is taking over Middle Earth. All he has to do is release the ring and freedom can reign once again.

“That reminds me of the ending of The Lord of the Rings,” I said. “All through the movie Frodo has been besieged by the evil that the ring has brought to Middle Earth. He has witnessed again and again the destructive power of the ring and how it corrupts those who lust over it.  He’s seen the damage, the death, the devastation that it causes. And with amazing strength of character, he has persevered through all of that. He’s survived the struggle, the hardship, the temptation. He’s been willing to traverse the darkest lands and oppressive terrains and he’s endured the threats of horrendous creatures in order to get to the mountain where he can destroy the evil.  But when he gets to the very end, when he’s finally there, he stands at the edge of the cliff, dangling the ring at the end of the chain. He stares at it, but can’t let go.

Sam yells to him, “Let it GO! Just let GO!”

But he can’t.

The seductive power of the ring has taken hold.”

The Trouble with Surrendering and Letting Go

As we continued to talk that evening about the challenge of letting go, I shared with my friends how The Lord of the Rings presents a perfect visual image of the struggle we have with surrendering everything to God.

Like Frodo, we don’t want to lose control. The ring of power holds us captive. Even though it means our fleshly nature will reign instead of God’s will, we can’t put it all in God’s hands. The desire to be in control holds sway over us—especially when we’re afraid that if we let go, God might not do what we want Him to do.

How many times have I seen or heard from a woman or man whose greatest desire is to reunite with their spouse? They’ve gone through the anguish, they’ve suffered hardship to get things to change. But they are unable to surrender to God to let Him take care of it. We want to do it by ourselves, even though our own methods have already failed. We somehow think if we think about it enough, talk about it enough, remind our spouse enough times, things will somehow change. We’re locked in a pattern where we keep repeating the same actions. We’re traveling in circles, or worse, we’re pushing our spouse further away. We’re afraid if we put it in God’s hands, He’ll do something we won’t like. The fear of losing control, the desire to do it our own way keeps us in bondage. We can’t let go.

But God, who created us, who created our world, who is omnipotent and sees everything . . . understands what is happening; He has answers we don’t have. He knows our spouse inside and out, just like he also knows us. He can “work all things together for good to those who love Him and are called according to His purpose*” if we can surrender it all to Him and let go of having to control it ourselves.

First, however, we have to summon the inner strength to follow through so we can let go and trust Him. He is the Good that will banish evil. He is the Light that will shine in the darkness. He is the Word of God who will enlighten our understanding and point us in the right direction.

So as we stand on that precipice, holding that ring of power, we have to have the will, the faith, the strength to let it go.

Proverbs 3:5-6 tells us to, “Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make your paths straight.”

Seek first the kingdom of God and his righteousness and all these things will be added unto you (Mathew 6:33).

*(Rom. 8:28)

If your marriage is in trouble and you need to know how to fight for it, letting go is an important part of experiencing the victory. My books, Broken Heart on Hold and Fighting for Your Marriage while Separated can show you the path through the labyrinth of confusion so you can find the hope God has for you.

Nest week: Perhaps the hardest issue of all–infidelity.

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Filed Under: Divorce, faith, Hope, How to win, Letting go, Love, Marital separation, marriage, Marriage problems, Reconciliation, Surrendering to God, Trusting God, Trying to understand Tagged With: , , , , , , , ,

Men, Do You Know How To Fight for Your Marriage?

January 28, 2021 by Leave a Comment

Photo by Diego Fagundes

WHAT DOES A MAN DO when his wife threatens to leave or get a divorce? His marriage can still be saved – even after a separation, but there is a right way and a wrong way to do it.  Too often, men don’t know how to fight for their marriage and end up doing it the wrong way. But be encouraged! There is a right way to fight for your marriage, and with a little patience and soul searching, you have a good chance of turning things around. Below are two stories – the first  shows the wrong way to fight for your marriage; the second shows the right way.

DOING IT THE WRONG WAY

When Wayne’s wife told him she wanted to get a divorce, he was stunned. He never saw it coming. At first, he just didn’t believe her when she said she wanted a divorce. He knew she loved him and usually went along with what he wanted. She couldn’t be serious. So he sent her some flowers and told her he loved her.

When she wasn’t swayed from her decision and told him she indeed was serious and wanted a divorce, he spent some time in denial.  He would just go on as normal for awhile, and she’d get over it. But she didn’t get over it. She moved out.

Now he was angry. He went to her new apartment and argued with her, trying to persuade her to change her mind. He ridiculed her for wanting to run away from problems. But she didn’t back down. She asked him to leave.

Wayne was not used to losing. He was a born winner, and he would figure out how to get her to change her mind. He sent her flowers again, then bought her a lovely coat she’d been wanting.

She returned the coat and said she would be filing for divorce soon.

When he received the papers, he was devastated. But he wasn’t about to let her see his pain. No, he didn’t want a divorce, but he wasn’t going to crawl to her either.

He knew how to play this game, and he would win.

Gathering together all his male gutzpa, he decided he would simply show her she couldn’t win. He’d show her that without him, she would have a hard time surviving on her own. He’d show her who was boss. He hired an attorney and figured out how to squash her hopes of separating and divorcing by using every trick he could to keep her from getting any of his money. He fought to keep her from getting any of his retirement. He fought to deny her a share of his 401K. He fought to keep her from continuing on his insurance. Some fights he won, and some he lost. It was a nasty fight. And it became a nasty and bitter divorce—a divorce that DID take place despite his bitter determination.

When the divorce happened, reality set in for him. Suddenly, he realized he’d lost the love of his life. The fight was over, and she was gone. With the final decree, he was beside himself. How did this happen? How did he lose her? How would he go on without her? The pain he’d been holding back now had no place to go. He dissolved into a state of depression – sometimes trying to escape with a bottle, sometimes with other women, sometimes in a lonely state of grief. He even called her once, crying on the phone, telling her he loved her and wanted her back. But it was over. The divorce was final. She was moving on.

Occasionally, he tried to reach out to her with a note of apology, but now she didn’t even answer. His heart was broken, and it was years before he was able to move forward again.

A BETTER WAY TO FIGHT FOR YOUR MARRIAGE

When Seth’s wife told him she wanted a divorce, he was shocked. He never expected his loving and agreeable wife to want to leave him. He immediately questioned her, asked her why and what he could do to change her mind. She said there was nothing he could do, that it was too late for change, and she’d made up her mind.  Seth was devastated.

Although heartbroken, he took a step back from their situation and tried to get a fresh look. He talked to a pastor, a counselor, and a trusted Christian friend.  They advised him to trust God, to give his wife some space, and to ask God to show him the truth about what had been happening in his relationship with his wife. He turned to God in prayer, asking God for wisdom and direction. He found a couple of Christian books, and all the while, instead of chasing after his wife, he gave her some space.

As Seth searched the scriptures, read the books, and talked to his counselor, he began to see changes he needed to make in himself. He realized he’d been too controlling and too dismissive about his wife’s needs. He realized he hadn’t given her a voice in resolving conflicts and disagreements. He always won the arguments – or so he thought. But did he really win? Or did he just wear her out until she gave in to him?

As he recognized his failures, he wrote her a letter, apologizing to her for the many times he’d been insensitive to her and for railroading his own agenda instead of truly listening to her about her own needs and wants. Although she thanked him, she had no intention of changing course. She still wanted a divorce.

Seth was horribly discouraged, but his Christian friend as well as his counselor told him to give it time. That’s what the books said too. When he had contact with his wife, he didn’t press her or argue with her. Instead, he tried to encourage her and show her appreciation.  He suggested they go to counseling and when she refused, telling him it was over, he told her he understood he’d made a lot of mistakes, and she had reason to want to back away. But he also said he was trying to make changes, and he thought they could work it out if they went to counseling and trusted God for their marriage. He told her he didn’t want a divorce, and if she wanted it, she’d have to be the one to file.

She visited a lawyer and talked about filing, but time went by with very little change. Whenever they had contact, he tried to have a positive attitude. He offered to help her with her car when it broke down and took care of her cat when she went away to visit her parents in another state. He tried to be supportive of her.

One day he called her to tell her about a change in their insurance, and they ended up having a long conversation – not about their relationship or their future, but just about what each of them were doing. They soon began having other conversations by text and phone – congenial conversations about current events in their lives and the lives of their families.  Finally, in one of those conversations, Seth asked if she’d like to meet for coffee. She agreed, and gradually, they began to meet for other occasions – once to shop for a present for his sister who was having a baby, another time to catch one of their favorite music acts that had come to town. By this time, two years had gone by since his wife first said she wanted a divorce. They continued for several more months, having a merely friendly relationship – not talking about their marriage or their future together—just enjoying the times they spent together.

Finally, one day over coffee, his wife looked at him, and said, “You’ve changed.”

He felt his heart thumping inside of him. “Thank you,” he said. “God has been showing me some things I needed to see.” She smiled, and he smiled back. And then he said it. “Do you think there’s a chance we might be able to work this out?”

“Perhaps,” she said. “Maybe we should give it a try.”

These two stories are compilations from true stories that have happened to actual people. If your marriage is in crisis, I pray they will help you take an honest look at yourself so you can take a step back and move forward with God to bring positive change to your marriage.

If you want to fight for your marriage and avoid common pitfalls in order to save it, my book, Fighting for Your Marriage while Separated, will guide you through this difficult labyrinth of decision making and confusion so you can find the happy ending you are looking for.

Next week: Women: Do you know how to fight for your marriage?

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Filed Under: Divorce, Hope, How to win, Love, Marital separation, marriage, Marriage problems, men & women, Reconciliation, Uncategorized Tagged With: , , , , , , , , , , , ,

A Special Family Christmas Eve Service in Your Own Home

December 22, 2020 by Leave a Comment

Photo by Jose Antonio Hernandez

Since Christmas Eve services might look different this year and may even be non-existent in places where churches are closed, I want to offer you a sweet and meaningful alternative you can have in your own home. It’s the Family Christmas Eve service my parents did with my brother and I when we were growing up.

It became a treasured tradition I even carried into my own family when my husband and I had children of our own. In fact, we still do it today, even when we attend services at church. Many times our adult children and their children participate as well. Although the Christmas Eve services at church are always beautiful and meaningful, our folksy Christmas Eve service at home joins us together as a family in a personal celebration of the Christ child that took root in my soul as a child and imprinted cherished memories in my heart for a lifetime.

If you’re lamenting the loss of attending a Christmas Eve service, Covid doesn’t have to steal Christmas from you. In fact, it may launch a tradition you will treasure for years to come.

Family Christmas Eve Service

Leader: The service will begin with the youngest member of the family lighting the Christmas candle in honor of the Holy Christ Child.

(While the candle is being lit, read)

Leader: And Jesus said: “Suffer little children to come unto me, and forbid them not: for of such is the kingdom of God.  Verily I say unto you, whosoever shall not receive the kingdom of God as a little child shall not enter it.” (Luke 18:15-17)

Leader: Now we will read the Christmas story.  (Different members of the family will read different selections.)

Read:  Luke 2:1-7

Everyone sing:  “Away in a Manger”

Read:  Luke 2:8-14

Everyone sing: “Hark the Herald Angels Sing” and “The First Noel.”

Read:  Luke 2:15-20

Everyone sing:  “Oh Little Town of Bethlehem”

Read:  Matthew 2:1-12

Everyone sing:  “We Three Kings”

Leader: Now let us pray.

Prayer:

Oh precious Father of our Lord, who was born on this sacred day, and Father of mankind, a mankind that is not always aware of your constant presence, and Father of ours, we thank you this evening for the original Christmas gift that you gave, which awakened our hearts to Thy love and which gave us the loving Christmas spirit of giving which is at the very core of our Christmas tradition.  Thank you for the gift of your only Son whom You loved, but whom You gave for us because You so loved us.

Dear Father, help us to remember the true meaning of Christmas all through the Christmas season, even when horns are honking at us in the Christmas rush traffic, when shoppers jostle us or carelessly block our way when we are hurrying about our business.  Imbue us with the Christmas spirit at these times and on Christmas day when we are filled with the excitement of opening presents, eating turkey and Christmas goodies, and visiting with family and friends.

But most of all, help the Christmas season to be just a beginning to our New Year so that throughout the coming year we are filled with, and can spread to others, the Christmas spirit of love, joy, peace, hope and understanding.  Infiltrate our thoughts and our desires so that we will desire what you would have us desire and so that we will remember those who need us, our services, and our worldly goods.

Help us not to bypass anyone who we could help, nor say an unkind word to save our pride, but help us to live as Christ taught us to live and to remember His words, “Inasmuch as you have done it unto one of the least of these, you have done it unto me.”

Finally, dear Lord, give a peace to our souls so that in the stillness that You provide, we can block out the clamor, frustrations, and worries of the world sufficiently enough to be aware of Your constant presence, to hear Your voice, and to discover Your will for our lives.  And as each year passes, help our spirits to grow and mature so that in our final years our souls will be able to enter into Your heavenly glory, not as strangers, but as your true sons and daughters.

In the name of the holy Babe of Christmas we pray.  Amen

Everyone sing:  “Silent Night”

Leader: The oldest member of the family will extinguish the candle, ending the ceremony, but beginning a year of service to our newborn Lord.

*Suggested preparation: Put out one Christmas candle, find four Bibles (or pass one around and share), hand out song sheets for everyone. (lyrics can be found by clicking on song links above).

If you’re trying to hold together a broken family because of a troubled marriage, let my book, Fighting for Your Marriage while Separated, help you put it back together.

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Filed Under: Children, Christmas, faith, Jesus, joy, Love, parenting, Time with God, Uncategorized, Where is God? Tagged With: , , , , , , ,

You Are Loved

September 3, 2020 by 3 Comments

Sitting on the patio, I watched my dog Katie as she settled down into a patch of sunshine on the lawn.  She lifted her head and sniffed at the air, then rested her chin on one paw and closed her eyes. With one ear drooping in characteristic fashion and the sun gleaming on her red coat, she looked wonderfully content.

As I studied her, just laying there, no care in the world, I thought about how she served no real purpose in life. She was a sweet dog, but what did her life accomplish?

She was a life created by God simply because He decided He would create a demure, mild-tempered, but slightly neurotic dog with one floppy ear and one upright ear, who loved sniffing out as many smells as she could. God created Katie because He delighted in doing so—and He enjoyed her because she was his creation, just as he enjoyed the other living things he created. They may serve no deep purpose in the world, but if not, they weren’t meant to. They simply exist because they are God’s creation, and God enjoys His creations.

God’s delight in what He created is evident beginning in Genesis where it says: “God made the wild animals according to their kinds, the livestock according to their kinds, and all the creatures that move along the ground according to their kinds. And God saw that it was good.” (Genesis 1:25)

“It was good.”  God loves his creation.  Like the saying goes, “God doesn’t make no junk.”

As I continued watching Katie and contemplated this simple truth, I thought about myself and how I tend to feel that to be loved I must do something, I must perform, I must earn love.

And I realized this was just not true.

God loves us purely because we are His creation. God loves me simply because I am His. God loves you simply because YOU are His—not because of anything you have done or anything I have done or will do.

“I have loved you with an everlasting love” God declares in Jeremiah 31: 3

And the Psalmist says, “For the Lord takes delight in his people” (Psalm 149:4)

Over and over in the scriptures, we read of God’s love for us—His delight in us—even when we fail Him, even when we’re weak.

“How priceless is your unfailing love, O God! People take refuge in the shadow of your wings.” (Psalm 36:7)

“The Lord your God is with you, the Mighty Warrior who saves. He will take great delight in you; in his love he will no longer rebuke you, but will rejoice over you with singing.”  (Zephaniah 3:17)

I imagine many times you probably feel like I did—that you must earn love, that you are unworthy of love unless you do something significant.  If so, take a minute to bask in the sunshine of God’s unfailing and everlasting love. Turn your eyes to heaven, and your heart to the One who delights in you simply because you are His. Enjoy loving the true lover of your soul.

He doesn’t love us because we perform.  He doesn’t stop loving us when we do something wrong.  He just loves us.  We are his creation.

***

Yes, God loves you despite what is happening with your marriage or other relationships. If you need encouragement, I invite you to check out my book, Broken Heart on Hold, Surviving Separation.  It will be a friend to you whenever the circumstances of life are pulling you down.

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Filed Under: Feeling unworthy, God's goodness, Love, Searching for purpose, Uncategorized Tagged With: , , , ,

Social-Distancing-Safe Easter Event for Kids

April 2, 2020 by Leave a Comment

Easter is coming, and the kids are at home and anxious for something to do. Community Easter egg hunts and parties have been cancelled, and churches have gone online.

The world seems to have turned upside down, but even in the midst of this pandemic, Easter is coming! We will still celebrate Jesus’ rising from the dead to bring us new life through his sacrifice on the cross. We will still praise Him for His mercies and grace. He is king of all creation.

But how do we celebrate Easter with our kids in this lockdown? My article, “Bringing Children to the Heart of Easter” in the March issue of MTL Magazine might provide some ideas for you.

A Neighborhood Social-Distancing-Safe Event for the Kids

In addition, however, we can also give our children a fun neighborhood event which is social-distancing-safe to celebrate the coming of Easter. With kids stuck  at home during this pandemic, the Moon Rabbit Watch Party provides an opportunity for kids to enjoy a new discovery that will delight them for years to come. You can also use it to teach your children about what Jesus did for us at Easter. And you can make it a neighborhood party that is social-distancing-safe!

Since the date for Easter is determined by the first full moon after the advent of spring, the moon plays a significant part in the coming of Easter. But what is most intriguing to those of us in the U.S. is the discovery that there is also a rabbit in the shadows of the moon! Although most of us in the West have never heard of him, those in Asian countries have celebrated him for centuries. They have even created legends about how the rabbit got there. You can see this rabbit in the moon for yourself when the full moon arrives on April 7. But be sure to include your kids!

A Rabbit in the Moon and the Moon Rabbit Watch Party

And this year, when everyone is secluded in their homes, you can make it a neighborhood party – The Moon Rabbit Watch Party that is social-distancing-safe.  Plus, you can use it to have a meaningful talk with your kids about what Jesus did for us at Easter. The coincidence between the Easter bunny and the fact that there is a rabbit in the moon brings a new twist to the Easter bunny and gives us something fun to add to our Easter tradition.

The Neighborhood Moon Rabbit Watch Party fills the gap in preparation for the coming of Easter when Easter egg hunts have disappeared and everyone has to stay at home. Neighbors begin by hanging a balloon in front of their house to let people know they are part of the party, then look for the rabbit in the moon from their own yard on the evening of April 7. When they see him, they blow on a horn, ring a bell, or shout, “I see the rabbit.”  They can share pictures on Instagram too. It’s a way to have a neighborhood family event that is social-distancing-safe to herald the coming of Easter.

Tying This All to The True Easter Story

The Bunny Side of Easter

But how does this tie into the true Easter story and what Jesus did for us on the cross? In my children’s Easter picture book, The Bunny Side of Easter, I use this premise about the rabbit in the moon to tell an exciting, but winsome adventure story about how the heroism of a little rabbit made him the Easter bunny and the rabbit in the moon. In the story, bits of allegory about the bunny’s heroism point children to Jesus, the biggest hero of all. You can learn more at my website: bunnysideofeaster.com, where you can also download a discussion guide for parents to help you use the story to point your children to what Jesus did for them on the cross at Easter. On the website, you can also get a FREE FUNPACK of activities for kids to keep them busy and entertained when you order one of the books. The book is also available on Amazon and you can get it on Prime here. (But it won’t include the FUNPACK.)

Children delight in discovering the rabbit in the moon and love hearing stories of how he got there. The rabbit can be seen in the shadows on the left side of every full moon. You might see a large bunny facing to the left with his ears back and an Easter egg at his feet. Or you might make out a bunny facing to the right with his ears flopped over and his head bowed in prayer. Or you might spot a smaller bunny at the top. He can be seen in three different ways.

If you want to join the Neighborhood Moon Rabbit Watch Party and make it a neighborhood event that is social-distancing-safe, you can download flyers about the event from my website at http://bunnysideofeaster.com/happenings/neighborhood-events/ to distribute the flyer in your own neighborhood.

Remember that regardless of this pandemic, Easter is coming to remind us that Jesus conquered death and gives life to those who seek Him. Let’s share this hope with others and give our children the message of new life that will shape their lives from this time forward.

For a preview about The Bunny Side of Easter, watch this Video Trailer

The Bunny Side of Easter

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Filed Under: Children, Easter, Jesus, Knowing God, Love, parenting, Receiving Christ, Uncategorized Tagged With: , , , , , ,

Finding a Deeper Love

February 12, 2020 by Leave a Comment

As February 14 approaches so does Valentine Day.  It’s all about hearts and flowers and love. In every store we see Valentine cards, heart-shaped boxes of chocolates, and huggy stuffed bears saying, “I love you.”

It’s a happy, fun time for many and an opportunity to celebrate that special person in your life. But for some of you the advent of Valentine’s Day magnifies the pain that already eats away at your heart.  Focusing on love is the last thing you want to do.

If that’s where you are today, raise your eyes above the frills and flowery language. Let your heart rest in a prayer to the One who will love you forever.

The human love we experience here on earth is a mere shadow of the deep and eternal love that will never disappoint and always hold us close. By looking up instead of inward, we can chase away those fears of rejection by earthly lovers and embrace the true lover of our souls.

The author of love stands ready to enfold us in His arms. He is always ready to give and receive our love. He will never leave us. His is the pure, unconditional love we long for, but will never find on this earth among fallen humankind.

Who else would pursue us through eternity to give us life by subjecting Himself to his own death?  Who else is so intent on giving us joy that He would take upon Himself intense sorrow and pain so we can live with Him forever?

Not only will he never leave us, He has literally turned the world upside down so we can be with Him. He longs to be with us so we can enter into the wonder of an eternity He has prepared for us.

In the book of Ephesians, Paul pleads for us to understand this when he says: “I pray that Christ will be more and more at home in your hearts, living within you as you trust in him. May your roots go down deep into the soil of God’s marvelous love; and may you be able to feel and understand, as all God’s children should, how long, how wide, how deep, and how high his love really is; and to experience this love for yourselves, though it is so great that you will never see the end of it or fully know or understand it. And so at last you will be filled up with God himself.”  (Ephesians 3:17-19 Living Bible)

Cling now to these words. Fill your mind up with this incredible truth. Open your heart to Paul’s prayer in Ephesians and accept God’s deep and wondrous love that is meant for YOU.

Can you truly wrap your mind around, “How long, how wide, how deep, and how high [Christ’s] love really is?”  How amazing this is!  How incomprehensible. This Valentine’s Day meditate on these words.  Let God’s deep love embrace you.

If you look up instead of inward, as my grandchildren often say, “It may be the best Valentine’s Day ever.”

But God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us. (Romans 5:8)

* * *

If Valentine’s Day is a hard day for you because of a marriage that is broken, my new book, Fighting for Your Marriage while Separated, may give you the hope you need to regain the love you thought you’d lost.

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Filed Under: disappointment, Feeling unworthy, joy, Love, Uncategorized, Valentine's Day Tagged With: , ,

My Word for 2020

January 19, 2020 by Leave a Comment

Photo by Ben White

Have you chosen a “word” for the year 2020?

Each New Year many people choose a word to give them focus and inspiration for the year ahead. Often, it’s a word to motivate them with a theme, a new direction, a filter for decision making, or a word that lifts their spirits.

This year, I decided to focus on a word that is more self-improvement in nature to fine-tune the way I communicate with my husband. That word is “tone.”

Have you ever said something to your spouse that seems perfectly innocent, only to receive a negative reaction that catches you completely by surprise?  “Why did that make him angry or annoyed? Why is she so upset? I only said . . . . .   (fill in the blank.)

I’ve become more and more aware lately of how my tone of voice can distort my intended meaning in conversations with my husband. Sometimes my tone becomes elevated (a nice way of saying “louder” or “higher”.)  Other times the added emphasis I put on a certain word sends an unintended message of displeasure.

Take the question, “Why did you do that?” Consider the following differences in how this simple question can be interpreted depending on the tone of voice.

Perhaps you are working on a project together. You are struggling to get something right when your partner switches direction and does it differently. You’re not sure what he is trying to do. And you say, “Hmmm. Why did you do that?” An honest question, looking for an honest answer.

But if you’re inwardly questioning his decision to switch directions, you might say it in one of the following ways:

Why did you do THAT?

Why DID you do that?

W-H-Y did you do THAT?

Why did you DO that?

Or simply, Why did you do that?”

Or, if he/she did something different that created a mess, you might say it this way. WHY DID YOU DO THAT? (yelling.)

The words are the same, but the tone of voice makes a difference in the way your spouse perceives what you say, and a difference in the way he or she may respond to you. Tone of voice can make the words sound angry, sarcastic, whining, arrogant, disrespectful, belittling, irritable, nagging, annoyed and more. And that difference can create tension and discord between you. You may find yourselves arguing –- not about a difference of opinion—but about the perception one of you has about the intentions of the other –- because of your tone of voice.

My husband and I have realized in recent weeks that tone of voice can sometimes stir up negative feelings or even conflict between us. I might think he sounds irritable even though his words are innocent. And in other instances, he hears disapproval in my tone of voice even though my actual words don’t convey that message at all. One of the silliest mind-sets, shared by both my husband and myself is that neither of us wants to cause stress or inconvenience to the other, and when we think we have, we can sometimes sound defensive.

For instance, I am writing this late at night. Since my husband was asleep, I shut my office door so I wouldn’t awaken him. Consequently, when he poked his head in the door a few minutes ago and said, “Hi,” I immediately thought I woke him up.

I quickly turned toward him and asked, “Why are you up?” I was annoyed at myself for having possibly awakened him, but my tone of voice may have implied I was annoyed with him. Actually, I didn’t wake him up at all. He was thirsty and wanted a drink. See how silly conflicts can begin? Fortunately, I think I was more aware of my tone of voice than he was—since that’s my focus word for the year—so all is good. But that is an example of how it can begin.

So in 2020, I intend to think about “tone.” That is my word. What unintended message do my words convey because of my tone of voice? How can I modify my voice so it conveys love and respect without allowing fleeting emotions to warp my words? I want my speech to be soothing and uplifting, encouraging and respectful. Being aware of my tone of voice can hopefully make that happen.

Proverbs 15:1 says, “A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger.” And Proverbs 16:24 reminds us that, “Pleasant words are a honeycomb, sweet to the soul and healing to the bones.”

If you struggle with this as well, you might want to join me in praying this prayer from Psalm 141:3. “Set a guard over my mouth, O Lord, Keep watch over the door of my lips.”

What is your word for the year?  I’d love to hear about it.

* * *

If you are struggling through a rough time in your marriage and your spouse is unresponsive to your efforts to make things better, check out my award winning new book, Fighting for Your Marriage while Separated.  Although a true separation happens when you and your spouse live in separate households, some separations also take place within the same residence. This book can help in either case.

 

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Filed Under: Conflict, How to win, Love, marriage, Marriage problems, mistakes, New Years, Uncategorized Tagged With: , , , , , , ,

How God Transformed Our Failing Marriage

November 20, 2019 by Leave a Comment

Guest Post by Jennifer Slattery

Photo by Frank McKenna

Back when my husband proposed to me, I didn’t think about how hard marriage would be. Honestly I didn’t think at all. I was swept up in the romance as this sweet man knelt before me, rose in hand, promising to love me for the rest of his life. Actually I’m not sure he even said that. If my memory is correct, he asked, “Do you want to marry me,” and I said yes. We didn’t talk about commitment, the strain of merging two very diverse lives, or any of the other problems we came to face after.

I was young, naïve, and had no idea the work, humility, and the growth it would require to join two lives. I also didn’t realize how completely ill-equipped and ill-prepared I was. I discovered very quickly through a nearly failed marriage that I couldn’t love my husband well in my own wisdom and strength. Half the time, I didn’t even have the gumption to try. I was too focused on myself, too filled with pride and insecurity, to create the type of relationship I longed for.

Although I tried. I followed plans and read books and cajoled and pestered and begged. And prayed, oh, I did a lot of praying—that God would change my husband. Because, you see, I was convinced our mess was entirely his fault. If only he weren’t so selfish or prideful or distracted, if only he spent more time at home, or talked more. . . .  I had quite a list, one I perpetually reviewed but we never seemed to progress toward resolving.

Eventually, in fact, before my daughter‘s fourth birthday, my husband and I found ourselves sitting in a divorce lawyers office, ready to end it all. Neither one of us wanted to be there, but we hadn’t a clue how to unravel the tangle of hurt and distrust we’d created in our now failing marriage.

That evening, I left frustrated with myself, with the the state of our failing marriage, with the prospect of a shattered family, and angry with God. I knew divorce wasn’t His will. Therefore, I determined He wanted me to remain miserable for the rest of my life.

A few nights later, while my husband worked the graveyard shift and my daughter lay upstairs sleeping, I sat in a dark, silent living room, feeling completely alone. Not just alone, but trapped in my loneliness. “God, I give up,” I said. “I can’t do this anymore.”

Though at the time my words were more flippant than heartfelt, God answered, and He began to turn things around. He helped me connect with some strong Christian women—and disconnect from some perpetually unhappy ones who soured the way I viewed my life. But even more importantly, He drew me closer to Himself and shifted my focus off my husband and my failing marriage and onto Christ and myself.

First, He zeroed my gaze on my Savior. He reminded me of the depth of His love and care, of what He’d endured for me. In this, He helped me understand I was to love my husband, first and foremost, out of love for Him. On particularly tense days, when our arguments seemed to outnumber our smiles, I may not have felt my husband deserved anything from me, but Christ deserved my all, my full surrender.

Second, He showed me all the transformational work He longed to do within me. As I sat there in His presence, my heart laid bear before Him, He spoke tenderly to my soul—words of wisdom and insight, and often, conviction. In the light of His grace, as I began to set all my finger pointing aside, clarity came. I realized, yes, my husband had room to grow, but so did I.

God wanted me to focus on growing into the wife and mother He created me to be, entrusting my husband to Him.

And so I did. Surrendering my hurt, my wisdom, and my husband to my Father wasn’t easy, but it was freeing. And healing. Healing for me and our marriage. The more I released my grip, it seemed, the more of God’s power was unleashed within me.

The power to hold my tongue when angry words fought to come out.

The power to see good when everything around me felt hard.

The power to forgive when seeds of bitterness tried to grow.

The power to trust.

The power to love.

The power to hope.

That was over twenty years ago, and God has done amazing things within each of our hearts. I can honestly say, we’re closer than we’ve ever been. Those arguments that used to occur daily are now rare, and they are much shorter lived. The hurt? Gone. And in its place, love—enduring, inconquerable, love. Not because we said or did the right thing or figured this whole relationship dance out, but rather because we surrendered to the One who had. The One who formed us, who loved us, and fought for us.

Can you identify with Jennifer? If you feel you have a failing marriage, what steps do you feel God wants you to take next?

Jennifer Slattery is a writer and international speaker with a passion for helping women discover, embrace, and live out who they are in Christ. As the founder of Wholly Love Ministries, she and her team partner with churches to facilitate events designed to help women rest in their true worth and live with maximum impact. She maintains a devotional blog found at Jennifer Slattery Lives Out Loud and on Crosswalk. Connect with her on Facebook, Instagram, and Twitter. When not writing, reading, or editing, Jennifer loves going on mall dates with her adult daughter and coffee dates with her hilariously fun husband. Contact her HERE to book her for your next women’s event.

Hometown Healing:by Jennifer Slattery  – She’s home again, but not for long…
Unless this cowboy recaptures her heart

 

If you have a failing marriage, find hope and help in my new book, Fighting for Your Marriage while Separated, A Practical Guide for the Brokenhearted. by Linda W. Rooks.

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Filed Under: disappointment, Expectations, Letting go, Love, marriage, Marriage problems, New Directions, Reconciliation, Surrendering to God, Uncategorized Tagged With: , , , , , , , ,

Marriage Resources that Can Enhance Your Marriage

October 31, 2019 by Leave a Comment

Photo by Jenny Marvin

Marriages that thrive are marriages that don’t settle for okay, but continually try to make their marriages stronger and more loving. If you have survived a serious challenge to your marriage, if you are newly married, or if your marriage has happily continued on a positive track, make a serious effort to nurture your marriage.

At least once a year try to attend a marriage conference or retreat or take a marriage course at a local church to strengthen communication and rekindle your love for one another.  Or sit down and read a book together that can enrich your marriage and bring you together spiritually. Marriages can be strong at one point and still drift into rough waters if unattended to. Finding a marriage resource to enhance your marriage can take you to a new level of satisfaction in your relationship.

Marriage Conferences and Retreats

Here are seven national marriage conferences, weekend retreats, or workshops that can enhance your marriage and take it to the next level when your marriage is on a positive track.

Weekend to Remember sponsored by Family Life – A two-and-a-half day romantic weekend that entices you to invest in and strengthen your marriage―no matter how firm or fragile. Weekend to Remember is designed to enhance your marriage by helping the two of you to: handle issues well as they arise so resentments don’t fester; express feelings positively; maintain a vital sexual connection; resolve conflict in healthy, productive ways; and forgive freely and completely. Weekend events are scheduled all over the country every year. Couples can easily find one in a nearby location. Weekend to Remember

Gary Chapman’s the Five Love Languages (also called Toward a Growing Marriage)  This Conference with best-selling author and counselor Gary Chapman helps you and your loved one learn how to speak your spouse’s love language. This weekend event helps you put the wisdom of The 5 Love Languages® into practice so you can gain new insight into your relationships so you can experience a more loving marriage. Based on Gary Chapman’s best selling book, The Five Love Languages. https://www.5lovelanguages.com/conference/5-love-languages-marriage-conference/

Laugh Your Way to a Better Marriage –  A two day Couples’ Comedy Event® uses humor to explore the underlying dynamics of male/female relationships. Mark Gungor’s teaching is touted as “enjoyable, effective and memorable” while bringing clarity and practical solutions to common relationship woes. Mark is Senior Pastor of Celebration Church—a multi-site church in Wisconsin. https://markgungor.com/pages/live-events-1

Marriage Encounter Weekend – A worldwide program that can restore communication, renew commitment, and rekindle romance in your marriage. Rather than listening to lectures, couples actually learn and practice a practical communication technique that can help you rediscover your hopes and dreams for your marriage. Marriage Encounter is offered in numerous languages and dialects in nearly 100 countries. Weekends take place across the North American continent.  http://www.wwme.org/

Marriage on the Rock –Jimmy and Karen Evans –  XO Marriage conferences are a one or two-day experience that provides expert marriage advice and practical teachings to help you navigate your marriage journey and recharge your relationship. Conferences take place all across the U.S.  For thirty years Jimmy and Karen Evans have used the international ministry of Marriage Today to minister to couples on TV and the Internet. Jimmy is senior pastor of Gateway Church in Dallas.   https://marriagetoday.com/event/

Love Like You Mean It Marriage Cruise – This event, sponsored by Family Life, is a getaway for married couples looking for relaxation, renewal, romance and life-long memories. The eight-day seven night, fully-chartered cruise sails from Fort Lauderdale, FL to Coco Cay Bahamas, San Juan Puerto Rico, and St. Thomas. The cruise includes biblical teaching and refreshing words on marriage by top Christian leaders along with concerts and entertainment by Christian artists. Best of all you can enjoy lots of quality time with your spouse. https://www.lovelikeyoumeanitcruise.com/

Getting The Love You Want Workshop for Couples – Certified therapists and facilitators can transform your relationship by helping you connect at a deeper level. This workshop based on Imago Relationship Therapy developed by Harville Hendrix, Ph.D and Helen LaKelly Hunt, Ph.D, guides couples with practical tools and strategies to create satisfying and long-lasting relationships. Imago teaches that relationship power-struggles are an opportunity for healing and growth and can establish a deeper connection in couples. When you learn how to move through conflict with compassion and empathy, disagreements in your relationship evolve into something deeper and more fulfilling. Imago workshops can be found across the country. https://imagorelationshipswork.com/find-a-professional/workshops

Close-to-Home Marriage Resources That Can Enhance Your Marriage

Marriage Classes at a Local Church

If you can’t afford to invest in a weekend event, but still want to find a way to recharge your marriage, another alternative is to attend a marriage class at your own church or one in your community. These close-at-home marriage resources may be easier to fit into busy lives and still enhance your marriage in significant ways. Here are a few popular ones to look for.

Marriage Oneness – Explores God’s design for marriage oneness of heart, mind and soul. After a private relationship assessment at the beginning of the course, each session covers one of seven important issues affecting marriage, including communication, conflict resolution, finances, spiritual beliefs, sexual intimacy, roles and responsibilities, and family and friends. https://www.familylife.com/smallgroups/marriage-oneness/

Love and Respect – Helps you discover a simple truth hidden in plain sight that explains why your spouse negatively reacts to you, and shows you how to change your reaction. Based on the best selling book, Love and Respect by Emerson Eggerichs, PhD.  https://www.loveandrespect.com/

The Art of Marriage – The Art of Marriage weaves together expert teaching, real-life stories, humorous vignettes, and more to portray both the challenges and the beauty of God’s design. The course helps you identify your top 10 list of what you are doing RIGHT in your marriage. The class shows you that when you are aware of what you are doing right and intentionally repeat those things with confidence, you will enhance your marriage. Video topics take you through the stages of love in marriage. https://www.familylife.com/art-of-marriage/video-event

The Marriage Course – The Marriage Course is a series of seven sessions, designed to help couples invest in their relationship and build a strong marriage. The class features videos of couples talking about their marriages. https://themarriagecourses.org/

The above resources can enhance your marriage, but some marriages need more.

Marriage Resources to Heal Hurting Marriages

Resources that merely enhance your marriage probably aren’t enough, however, if your marriage is spiraling downward. If your marriage is in crisis and needs special help to even survive, there are conferences, programs, classes, and books that are just for you also. Two weeks from now, we will look at some of these. Next week, I will interview the authors of one of these books, Marriage Off Course by Clint and Penny Bragg. The following week, we will look at more marriage resources that can both heal and enhance your marriage.

If you need help right now though to restore your marriage, I encourage you to pick up one of the books below.

  • Fighting for Your Marriage while Separated gives practical guidance and strategies to heal and restore a broken marriage.
  • Broken Heart on Hold helps you find healing from the emotional pain of a hurting marriage and strengthens you to take the next step.
  • Together, these books will walk with you on your journey to wholeness.

Have you attended any of these conferences or classes? What did you think about them?  We’d love to hear your comments.

Also, what marriage resources do you plan to take advantage of next to enhance your marriage? What is your next step?

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Filed Under: Hope, How to win, Love, marriage, marriage resources, Reconciliation, Uncategorized Tagged With: , , , , , , , ,
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