16 Marriage Resources to Help Hurting Marriages

November 14, 2019 by Leave a Comment

Photo by Amanda SixSmith

Years ago when my marriage began to fall apart, I felt lost. I didn’t know where to turn for help. It was an uncharted path for me as I know it is for many of you.

I went to Christian bookstores looking for books to provide guidance. I made an appointment with a pastor at church. I listened to Christian radio a little more attentively than usual. I was desperate for answers. But I found few resources that could really help.

Now that I’ve traversed this difficult road, found healing in my own marriage, and become involved in ministry to help heal hurting marriages, I have happily found resources that can help hurting marriages in crisis. Conferences, retreats, courses, intensives, books and Internet sites are available to those looking for help. Below are sixteen resources available to help in the healing of hurting marriages.

Programs You Can Attend that Help Hurting Marriages

A good marriage program can offer a big dose of healing in a relatively short period of time. Many marriages have turned around, found healing, and become reconciled because of the following programs. The first three programs listed below are peer-lead by people who have experienced and overcome crisis in their own marriages.

  • Marriage 911 is a twelve or thirteen week international program founded in Modesto, California in 1990 by Joe and Michelle Williams, now helping hurting marriages in over sixty cities throughout the U.S., as well as Canada, Australia and the Virgin Islands. Unlike what is common in other marriage programs, Marriage 911 can bring healing to a marriage even when only one spouse attends.  Because men and women participate separately, each spouse learns to focus on God and what God is personally telling them to do to become healthy individuals and have a healthy marriage. Many families are together today because of the commitment of just one spouse’s participation. My husband and I have personally been leading this class in our Central Florida community for 14 years, and have seen many marriages healed. Because of this program, countless numbers of couples around the country have survived crisis in their marriages to experience the joy of renewal and wholeness in their families. For more information: https://marriage911godsway.com/
  • Retrouvaille (French for rediscovery) is an international program that begins with a weekend retreat where couples learn communication tools that help them connect at a heart level. It’s a transformative weekend for couples whose marriages are in crisis and can completely bring renewal to a marriage regardless of how broken it is when you attend. My husband and I personally experienced this transformation when our marriage was in the first stages of recovery from our three-year separation. We were still separated but finally decided we wanted help to put our marriage back together. Retrouvaille enabled us to do that. Retrouvaille is usually sponsored through the Catholic Church and can be found throughout the United States as well as other countries around the world. You can see more at: https://www.helpourmarriage.org/
  • The Marriage Helper Workshop Retreat considers itself to be the emergency room for marriages in trouble. It is a twenty-year-old program that boasts a 77% success rate after having helped thousands of couples. During the three-day workshop, leaders help couples tackle real-life situations, addressing principles that people identify with, whether or not one or both of them actually want to save the marriage. The workshop offers hands-on help by those who have experienced and overcome a crisis in their own marriage to rescue relationships and help couples grow deeper in intimacy and passion. No one is judged for what lead to the marriage crisis. The workshop takes place in Nashville, Tennessee. For more information: https://marriagehelper.com/

Getting The Love You Want Workshop for Couples –This workshop based on Imago Relationship Therapy developed by Harville Hendrix, Ph.D and Helen LaKelly Hunt, Ph.D, teaches that relationship power-struggles are an opportunity for healing and growth and can establish a deeper connection between partners. In this workshop, certified therapists and facilitators help couples break destructive patterns of communication, find emotional healing, and learn new conflict resolution strategies. Through Imago, couples can develop increased compassion and understanding of one another and renew the passion and pleasure in the relationship. Imago workshops can be found across the country. https://imagorelationshipswork.com/find-a-professional/workshops

Marriage Intensives Specifically Designed to Help Hurting Marriages

A marriage intensive involves either a weekend or several days of intense professional marriage counseling with a small group of couples and can be extremely effective in helping a couple identify and resolve core issues hurting their marriage. The following ones are highly recommended.

  • A marriage intensive through Focus on the Family’s Hope Restored program offers help from trained professional counselors in a picturesque retreat center in one of three locations, including Missouri, Michigan, and Georgia. http://hoperestored.com.
  • Hope and Healing intensives are for those recovering from adultery in their marriage. Mona and Gary Shriver, authors of Unfaithful, lead the intensives, which usually take place in Northern California. https://www.hopeandhealing.us/

Books for Hurting Marriages – In Depth Help You Can Review Again and Again

The good thing about a book is that you can keep it with you and read it again and again. You can underline your favorite parts, share it with your spouse or others, and use it as a launch pad for discussion.

  • Broken Heart on Hold, Surviving Separation by Linda W. Rooks, brings emotional and spiritual healing to breaking hearts so readers can focus on the next step and make wise decisions. My own story of my husband’s and my three-year separation is woven through the short chapters to heal their emotional pain, lift the reader up to God and give them hope for their future.
  • Award winning Fighting for Your Marriage while Separated, A Practical Guide for the Brokenhearted, by Linda W. Rooks, walks with the separated person step-by-step from the first day of a break-up to eventual healing, guiding them toward reconciliation, but preparing them with God’s undergirding love for whatever the outcome. Practical insights, breakthrough strategies, biblical wisdom, and real life stories provide a roadmap through the confusion of a separation.
  • Yes, Your Marriage Can Be Saved: 12 Truths for Rescuing Your Marriage by Joe and Michelle Williams is written by the creators of the Marriage 911 God’s Way ministry. Against the backdrop of their own separation and reconciliation stories, the book shares numerous insights that help those in troubled marriages look at themselves personally in the context of their marriage and recognize where change needs to happen. An invaluable resource for helping individuals and couples through the tough times in marriage.
  • Marriage Off Course: Trusting God in the Desert of Unwanted Separation or Divorce by Clint and Penny Bragg uses the poetry of a desert analogy to offer biblical guidance and practical tools to strengthen the faith of those languishing in the desert of separation or divorce. The Braggs also provide an insightful perspective into the mind of a prodigal spouse and the husband she left behind. Their own experience of an eleven-year divorce that resulted in reconciliation, plus many stories from others, brings welcome encouragement while walking with the reader on a path toward healing.
  • The DNA of Relationships for Couples by Greg Smalley and Robert S. Paul uses a fictionalized account of an actual marriage intensive to unravel a variety of untenable marital situations and unveil simple principles of hope and healing. Written like a novel, the book puts you in the heads of four couples at a four-day marriage intensive headed for divorce. As they wrestle with their problems day and night, counselors reveal insights that are gradually able to untie the messy knots of their relationships.
  • I Do Again: How We Found a Second chance at our Marriage–and You Can Too, by Cheryl and Jeff Scruggs, reveals the hidden secrets that can slowly destroy a marriage and the spiritual awakening that can open the way to healing. Written like a romance novel, I Do Again is a riveting story about the marriage, divorce, and remarriage of Cheryl and Jeff Scruggs. The book offers renewed hope for even the most troubled marriages and reveals why the rewards of restoration are well worth the wait.
  • Unfaithful by Gary and Mona Shriver is a must-read for any couple dealing with the aftermath of unfaithfulness in their marriage. The Shrivers, who experienced unfaithfulness in their own relationship, walk the road of recovery with readers as they take turns sharing their story of healing and the necessary steps that brought them back together. The wisdom and recommended tools are invaluable for a couple recovering from an affair.

Help on the Internet for Hurting Marriages

The Internet offers opportunities for regular encouragement and community with others in similar situations. Hope and help are only a click away and always available.

  • Heart Talk – Finding Hope in Unexpected Places – This is my blog for those who need weekly encouragement to help them walk through a difficult time in life or find hope for their marriage. http://lindarooks.com
  • Spiritually Unequal Marriage – A community of hope and encouragement offering a variety of resources for those married to unbelievers http://.spirituallyunequalmarriage.com
  • Marriage Builders – Valuable marriage advice from Dr. Willard F. Harley on a variety of subjects through Articles, Q & A Columns, Discussion forums, radio shows and more. https://www.marriagebuilders.com/

If your marriage is hurting, there is help even if your spouse is unwilling to try. Decide today where you plan to start. Hope is just around the corner.

 

Fighting for Your Marriage while Separated offers practical guidance through a separation.

Share
Filed Under: BOOKS, Divorce, Hope, Marital separation, marriage, Marriage problems, marriage resources, Reconciliation, Uncategorized Tagged With: , , , , , , ,

Marriage Resources that Can Enhance Your Marriage

October 31, 2019 by Leave a Comment

Photo by Jenny Marvin

Marriages that thrive are marriages that don’t settle for okay, but continually try to make their marriages stronger and more loving. If you have survived a serious challenge to your marriage, if you are newly married, or if your marriage has happily continued on a positive track, make a serious effort to nurture your marriage.

At least once a year try to attend a marriage conference or retreat or take a marriage course at a local church to strengthen communication and rekindle your love for one another.  Or sit down and read a book together that can enrich your marriage and bring you together spiritually. Marriages can be strong at one point and still drift into rough waters if unattended to. Finding a marriage resource to enhance your marriage can take you to a new level of satisfaction in your relationship.

Marriage Conferences and Retreats

Here are seven national marriage conferences, weekend retreats, or workshops that can enhance your marriage and take it to the next level when your marriage is on a positive track.

Weekend to Remember sponsored by Family Life – A two-and-a-half day romantic weekend that entices you to invest in and strengthen your marriage―no matter how firm or fragile. Weekend to Remember is designed to enhance your marriage by helping the two of you to: handle issues well as they arise so resentments don’t fester; express feelings positively; maintain a vital sexual connection; resolve conflict in healthy, productive ways; and forgive freely and completely. Weekend events are scheduled all over the country every year. Couples can easily find one in a nearby location. Weekend to Remember

Gary Chapman’s the Five Love Languages (also called Toward a Growing Marriage)  This Conference with best-selling author and counselor Gary Chapman helps you and your loved one learn how to speak your spouse’s love language. This weekend event helps you put the wisdom of The 5 Love Languages® into practice so you can gain new insight into your relationships so you can experience a more loving marriage. Based on Gary Chapman’s best selling book, The Five Love Languages. https://www.5lovelanguages.com/conference/5-love-languages-marriage-conference/

Laugh Your Way to a Better Marriage –  A two day Couples’ Comedy Event® uses humor to explore the underlying dynamics of male/female relationships. Mark Gungor’s teaching is touted as “enjoyable, effective and memorable” while bringing clarity and practical solutions to common relationship woes. Mark is Senior Pastor of Celebration Church—a multi-site church in Wisconsin. https://markgungor.com/pages/live-events-1

Marriage Encounter Weekend – A worldwide program that can restore communication, renew commitment, and rekindle romance in your marriage. Rather than listening to lectures, couples actually learn and practice a practical communication technique that can help you rediscover your hopes and dreams for your marriage. Marriage Encounter is offered in numerous languages and dialects in nearly 100 countries. Weekends take place across the North American continent.  http://www.wwme.org/

Marriage on the Rock –Jimmy and Karen Evans –  XO Marriage conferences are a one or two-day experience that provides expert marriage advice and practical teachings to help you navigate your marriage journey and recharge your relationship. Conferences take place all across the U.S.  For thirty years Jimmy and Karen Evans have used the international ministry of Marriage Today to minister to couples on TV and the Internet. Jimmy is senior pastor of Gateway Church in Dallas.   https://marriagetoday.com/event/

Love Like You Mean It Marriage Cruise – This event, sponsored by Family Life, is a getaway for married couples looking for relaxation, renewal, romance and life-long memories. The eight-day seven night, fully-chartered cruise sails from Fort Lauderdale, FL to Coco Cay Bahamas, San Juan Puerto Rico, and St. Thomas. The cruise includes biblical teaching and refreshing words on marriage by top Christian leaders along with concerts and entertainment by Christian artists. Best of all you can enjoy lots of quality time with your spouse. https://www.lovelikeyoumeanitcruise.com/

Getting The Love You Want Workshop for Couples – Certified therapists and facilitators can transform your relationship by helping you connect at a deeper level. This workshop based on Imago Relationship Therapy developed by Harville Hendrix, Ph.D and Helen LaKelly Hunt, Ph.D, guides couples with practical tools and strategies to create satisfying and long-lasting relationships. Imago teaches that relationship power-struggles are an opportunity for healing and growth and can establish a deeper connection in couples. When you learn how to move through conflict with compassion and empathy, disagreements in your relationship evolve into something deeper and more fulfilling. Imago workshops can be found across the country. https://imagorelationshipswork.com/find-a-professional/workshops

Close-to-Home Marriage Resources That Can Enhance Your Marriage

Marriage Classes at a Local Church

If you can’t afford to invest in a weekend event, but still want to find a way to recharge your marriage, another alternative is to attend a marriage class at your own church or one in your community. These close-at-home marriage resources may be easier to fit into busy lives and still enhance your marriage in significant ways. Here are a few popular ones to look for.

Marriage Oneness – Explores God’s design for marriage oneness of heart, mind and soul. After a private relationship assessment at the beginning of the course, each session covers one of seven important issues affecting marriage, including communication, conflict resolution, finances, spiritual beliefs, sexual intimacy, roles and responsibilities, and family and friends. https://www.familylife.com/smallgroups/marriage-oneness/

Love and Respect – Helps you discover a simple truth hidden in plain sight that explains why your spouse negatively reacts to you, and shows you how to change your reaction. Based on the best selling book, Love and Respect by Emerson Eggerichs, PhD.  https://www.loveandrespect.com/

The Art of Marriage – The Art of Marriage weaves together expert teaching, real-life stories, humorous vignettes, and more to portray both the challenges and the beauty of God’s design. The course helps you identify your top 10 list of what you are doing RIGHT in your marriage. The class shows you that when you are aware of what you are doing right and intentionally repeat those things with confidence, you will enhance your marriage. Video topics take you through the stages of love in marriage. https://www.familylife.com/art-of-marriage/video-event

The Marriage Course – The Marriage Course is a series of seven sessions, designed to help couples invest in their relationship and build a strong marriage. The class features videos of couples talking about their marriages. https://themarriagecourses.org/

The above resources can enhance your marriage, but some marriages need more.

Marriage Resources to Heal Hurting Marriages

Resources that merely enhance your marriage probably aren’t enough, however, if your marriage is spiraling downward. If your marriage is in crisis and needs special help to even survive, there are conferences, programs, classes, and books that are just for you also. Two weeks from now, we will look at some of these. Next week, I will interview the authors of one of these books, Marriage Off Course by Clint and Penny Bragg. The following week, we will look at more marriage resources that can both heal and enhance your marriage.

If you need help right now though to restore your marriage, I encourage you to pick up one of the books below.

  • Fighting for Your Marriage while Separated gives practical guidance and strategies to heal and restore a broken marriage.
  • Broken Heart on Hold helps you find healing from the emotional pain of a hurting marriage and strengthens you to take the next step.
  • Together, these books will walk with you on your journey to wholeness.

Have you attended any of these conferences or classes? What did you think about them?  We’d love to hear your comments.

Also, what marriage resources do you plan to take advantage of next to enhance your marriage? What is your next step?

Share
Filed Under: Hope, How to win, Love, marriage, marriage resources, Reconciliation, Uncategorized Tagged With: , , , , , , , ,

Don’t Stop with Okay, We’re Fixed . . . Keep on Growing.

October 24, 2019 by Leave a Comment

Last week’s story of a couple whose marriage soared to heights of great happiness after first encountering and surmounting problems, challenges many of us to examine just how much fuel we are giving to our own marriages so we can achieve a similar level of happiness in our relationships.

Rick and Jolene found a fix for their problems when they went through Marriage 911, but they didn’t stop with okay, we’re fixed. They wanted more. They went to classes and seminars, retreats, and cruises, they read books together—anything they could find to strengthen their relationship, improve communication, and heighten their romance. And they achieved the marriage of their dreams.

It’s so easy to settle in when things are just okay instead of doing the work to go the next step so your marriage can thrive rather than stopping at just okay.

Joe Williams, co-founder of Marriage 911, often says the natural direction of marriage is to separate. In other words, if you are not working to make your marriage better, chances are it will grow worse.

Life is busy, and distractions are many. There’s money to make, careers to grow, children to love and take care of, and duties to carry out. If our marriage is no longer hurting, it’s easy to let it slip into the back seat and stop with okay.

But what can you do to take your marriage to the next level?

Here are some suggestions to make sure you are keeping God in the center of your marriage and that you are nourishing your relationship by spending quality time together.

  • Pray together daily.
  • Read the Bible or take part in a Bible study together.
  • Go to church together every week.
  • Have date nights regularly (at least once a month, but preferably more).
  • Read a book on marriage together at least once or twice a year.
  • Listen or watch a marriage podcast once a month.
  • Take weekend or week-long trips together.
  • Plan to attend at least one major enrichment event a year such as a retreat, seminar, class, or cruise.

Making your marriage a priority now can save you from more heartache later. If you worry about taking time away from your children, realize a strong marriage gives your children a firm and solid foundation from which they can later sprout wings in their personal lives to appropriately explore the world they will one day enter as adults.

When my husband’s and my marriage fell apart and we became separated in the ’90s, our older daughter was in her second year of college. She writes of that time, “As a college student on my own for the first time ever, it had been as if I was in a little row boat in the middle of the sea. My one source of stability had been that I knew there was a large ship within rowing distance that I could easily get to whenever I needed it. In that moment [when my parents separated], it felt like that ship was blown up and sinking to the bottom of the ocean. I was alone. There was no one I could turn to for security or stability. All I had ever known that was secure was no more.”

Keeping your marriage strong (or strengthening it after recovering from a crisis), will not only improve your couple communication and bring greater happiness to you, but strengthen the stability and confidence of your children. If you’ve suffered through a marital collapse, allowing your children to watch you grow your marriage into a more loving and fruitful relationship will teach them the value of pursuing God’s best in marriage.

Instead of stopping with okay, take your marriage to the next level. Give yourselves the gift of a great marriage. Take the time to engage in marriage enrichment opportunities to expand your framework of ideas and strategies to attack common problems that arise. Realize these programs can open your eyes to issues that might be undermining your relationship that you may not even be aware of. Enjoy finding out how to make love deposits in your spouse’s love bank that will create a love reserve so future problems won’t exact a toll on your marriage. Best of all, discover how making these discoveries can bring you the happiness that God intended when He created this thing called marriage.

Next week in Heart Talk, let’s look at specific programs, retreats, books, podcasts, etc. that can enhance your marriage.

Don’t stop with okay. Keep on growing. Have a great marriage!

f you need help in fighting for your marriage, let me walk with you through the pages of my book, Fighting for Your Marriage while Separated. There you will find practical help that can guide you toward reconciliation even if you’re fighting for your marriage alone.

 

Share
Filed Under: Expectations, How to win, joy, Love, marriage, New Directions, Uncategorized Tagged With: , , , , ,

Winning Him Without Words, 10 Keys To Thriving in Your Spiritually Mismatched Marriage

October 10, 2019 by Leave a Comment

Author Interview with Lynn Donovan

If you are a Christian married to an unbeliever, you have a unique challenge in walking out your faith. Lynn Donovan, author of Winning Him Without Words, refers to it as a spiritually mismatched marriage and has traveled this path herself.  If you struggle with how to love both God and your spouse in a way that pleases each of them, I believe you will find hope and inspiration in what Lynn has to share with us today.

In addition to her book, Winning Him Without Words, Lynn is the author of two other related books as well: 10 Keys to Thriving in Your Spiritually Mismatched Marriage, and Not Alone, Trusting God To Help You Raise Godly Kids in a Spiritually Mismatched Home. Lynn has appeared on 700 Club Interactive, Focus on the Family, Dr. James Dobson’s FamilyTalk, and FamilyLife Today

But I will let Lynn introduce herself and tell you more about her story.  Here’s Lynn.

Lynn:  Hello everyone! I’m joining your community this week to share a bit about my God-sized story. I’m so thankful that Linda has asked me to be a part of your home.

My friends, my story is about a Prodigal child – me (Luke 15:11-31). I fled my childhood Sunday school days in my twenties. I left my loving Father for all the promises the world said were mine. I met my husband in these dark years and we fell in love. We were married and for the first three years everything was fine. But the world’s lure proved shallow, unkind and untrue. I heard my faithful Father calling in the distance and He wooed me.

I went running home into the arms of my Papa and was thrilled to once again have a relationship with God. But, I ran home dragging my unbelieving spouse behind me kicking and screaming all the way. To say that my husband was unhappy about this new “Man” in my life, was a serious understatement.

I am unequally yoked.

There are many women such as me who sit alone week after week in church. There are women who are married to men who say they believe and yet they are also like me, living in a spiritually mismatched marriage. We are committed to our marriage covenant and wish to honor our Lord no matter how we arrived in our spiritually mismatched marriage.

My journey has been a crazy adventure, filled with loneliness at times, as my husband and I view life through two different world views. On this journey I’ve had to face fears over my children’s salvation, as well as having to live with the disappointment of attending church alone, wanting to be a “normal” couple, and the most difficult—the rejection of my faith by my best friend on earth.

But don’t feel sad for me….  Because I serve the risen Savior and through His love and power, I have discovered that the unequally yoked can truly thrive while living with an unbeliever. We can grow in our faith, love and respect for our spouse, raise our children to a vibrant faith, and walk in the Presence of the Most High.

Linda:  I’m looking forward to hearing what else you learned on this 22 year adventure, Lynn.  But tell me, what does your husband think about this ministry?

Lynn: By the grace of God my husband is fully supportive of my ministry and he encourages me to help others who are also in spiritually mismatched marriages. I call that a “Way cool God thing.”

Thriving in a Spiritually Mismatched Marriage

Linda:  Lynn, you mentioned to me that you discovered a powerful scripture that changed everything about your marriage.

Lynn: Yes, I did, it is: (Jesus) answered, “‘Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your strength and with all your mind’; and, ‘Love your neighbor as yourself.'” —Luke 10:27

Linda: How did this make a difference in your marriage?

Lynn: When you love God, His Son and the Spirit with all of your heart, soul, mind and strength you are transformed. Your mind is transformed and then disappointment and bitterness no longer has influence in your life. You discover an unending joy bubbles out of you, flowing onto your husband and your children. This kind of love transforms a heart, heals a body, restores a marriage, and leads little ones to faith.

I had to remove my eyes and expectations from my human husband and place all of my hopes upon Christ. When I did this our marriage moved into THRIVING. My husband found freedom to discover God in his own way without my manipulation and I found my expectations were replaced by God explanations. I was transformed by the love of God.

It’s a miracle! Woo Hoo!!!!

And Linda one of my favorite truths I share is this:

A man can ignore a nagging wife, but he can’t ignore the truth of a transformed life.

Linda:  I like that.  But tell me what do you think is the biggest struggle for those who have a spiritually mismatched marriage?

Lynn:  Across the board, men and women, who are married to pre-believers (we like to call them pre-believers) struggle through a season of loneliness. In our book, Winning Him Without Words, the entire first chapter addresses this season. What I want to tell everyone who is unequally yoked is to press forward during this season. This is the training ground for growing your faith into a vibrant, strong and intimate love relationship with the Father.

You can overcome this. You can attend church alone and receive great blessing from your church family. You will discover the truth of Hebrews 13:5 God has said, “Never will I leave you; never will I forsake you.”

Ministering to Your Children in a Spiritually Mismatched Marriage

Linda:  Many times I hear from people who are concerned as to how a spiritually mismatched marriage will affect the children.  What do you say to that?  And have you found specific encouragement in the Bible to help you on this walk?

Lynn:  Yes, there is actually a passage in the Bible that was written just for us. God knew there would be unbelievers married to believers and that’s why 1 Corinthians 7:12-14 exists. Let’s read it from the Message translation as it is rich in meaning and implication. This verse specifically gives me great comfort as a mother raising children in a spiritually mismatched home.

For the rest of you who are in mixed marriages—Christian married to non-Christian—we have no explicit command from the Master. So this is what you must do. If you are a man with a wife who is not a believer but who still wants to live with you, hold on to her. If you are a woman with a husband who is not a believer but he wants to live with you, hold on to him. The unbelieving husband shares to an extent in the holiness of his wife, and the unbelieving wife is likewise touched by the holiness of her husband. Otherwise, your children would be left out; as it is, they also are included in the spiritual purposes of God. —1 Corinthians 7:12-14

I’m learning that when we as believers love Jesus and walk in the power and presence of the Holy Spirit, we impact our environment. And, in fact, we bring God’s will and purposes into our lives and into the lives of our children. The living presence of God within us becomes so powerful that, Paul tells us through the believing spouse every member in the home is sanctified. The living presence of God is so contagious, so powerful, that it creates an umbrella of safety over anyone who comes into that environment.

Linda: So are you saying that it is simply your faith, walked out in the home, which ministers to your children?  Even though your husband has a different worldview, your faith is enough to point the children to God?

Lynn:  Yes, we as believers are uniquely positioned to release the purposes, the love and the very power of God into our children’s lives. Our kids are then included in God’s plans for their lives. They are sanctified—set apart as holy unto the Lord. They belong to the Lord. When we grasp this truth, praying with faith through the Holy Spirit for our kids, we need not live in fear for their salvation. Our love, our example, our Jesus is always enough. I believe this promise for my children’s future and for their eternity.

Wow…… just WOW!  Today if I can talk personally to your readers, I’d like to say, “Let the truth of this passage roar in your spirit. Your faith covers your home. This was a paradigm shift in my thinking and changed how I approached spiritual warfare for my kids and husband. My holiness covers them. They are under the love umbrella of God because an ordinary wife lives with Jesus in her heart and home. Of course, this isn’t a guarantee of their salvation but it is a great encouragement and it keeps me from living in constant fear for their eternity.

And Linda, our faith and our prayers truly impact our spouse. This year, 2019, after 27 years of contending for the faith of my husband, he was baptized on March 14th. As a special gift from the Father, this was ON our wedding anniversary. I pray that those reading this message will find their spouse comes to faith soon. And I affirm each one who is praying for an unsaved loved one. Don’t give up and believe. God is so good and loves your spouse.

Linda: That is so exciting, Lynn! What a beautiful testimony of living out your faith in a spiritually mismatched marriage. That must have been an absolute thrill for you.

Lynn: Yes, and I share more of my overcoming story in my new book, Marching Around Jericho, Praying Your Unsaved Spouse Into The Kingdom. The book launches in January 2020. I pray it reaches the hands of every spouse who walks this unique road of matrimony.

Linda: Thank you, Lynn.  I know this is a serious battle for a number of people reading this interview, and we need a real prayer covering for our homes and our children. Would you like to close us with a prayer?

Lynn: Lord, let this passage bring freedom to every woman and man here today. Let the truth and the power that comes with your living and active Word permeate every place in his or her heart and home. I ask that the Holy Spirit would prove the truth of how the prayers of a righteous mama (or papa) availeth much. In Jesus name. Amen.

Linda, thank you for allowing me to share the hope that I have. Hope is a person, Jesus Christ.

I love you and count it a privilege to be here with your community.

Linda: It’s been a blessing to all of us to hear your story about thriving in the midst of a spiritually mismatched marriage. It’s a message many people need to hear. Please tell us where readers can find out more about your ministry, your book, Winning Him Without Words and your other books.

Lynn:  You can visit me online at http://.spirituallyunequalmarriage.com

 

Share
Filed Under: BOOKS, Children, Expectations, faith, Hope, Interviews, Love, marriage, Marriage problems, Receiving Christ, Trusting God, Uncategorized, unequally yoked Tagged With: , , , , , , ,

I Don’t Want a Divorce

October 3, 2019 by 2 Comments

“I did everything I could to keep it from happening,” she said. “I asked him to give it another try. I suggested we go to counseling. I even pleaded with him. Nothing worked. We’ve been divorced now for a year.” Her sad eyes told me she still wanted her marriage. She didn’t want a divorce, but she was out of answers.

What could I say to her? Yes, she’d done everything she thought could help. But, unfortunately, the approach she took—which countless others take as well—usually fails to bring about the desired results. She didn’t want a divorce, but divorce came anyway.

It’s a story I’ve heard too many times. A story that ends the way no one really wants, but seems inevitable. But is it?

Doing What Comes Naturally

No one expects a separation to happen . . . or a divorce.  And if it does happen, at least one of the parties is usually unprepared. They don’t know what to do so they do what comes naturally. But “naturally” usually takes them down the wrong road that eventually leads to divorce. There is an answer though. There is a right way to respond that has a good chance of saving the marriage.

If you are in this situation, and your spouse’s decision to leave or file for divorce, catches you off guard, and if they seem to have made up their mind on this course of action, if you don’t want a divorce, the first thing to do is not to plead, but to give them space.

If a spouse has actually left the home or says they want a divorce, they are usually running from conflict—whether that conflict is in the home or a conflict raging within their own head. Chasing after them with questions or trying to persuade them to come home or do something to help the marriage, causes them to experience more conflict. Giving them space, and then following up with positive words when you have contact, can ease their fears of your being the source of further conflict.

When you speak words that are positive and encouraging, you don’t need to show acceptance of what he or she is doing. Simply say things that communicate your acceptance of him or her as a person.  Let your positive words be sincere, not stilted or forced. Try to think of something. . . anything . . . that you really mean, no matter how small. A “thank you for picking up the kids,” can do. Or “I’m glad the apartment you’re renting is close by.” Or, “I like the new way you’re doing your hair.” Positive interactions provide a safe environment that can move your relationship in a more positive direction and create a path forward for possible reconciliation.

Calming Your Turbulent Emotions

Meanwhile, as you take this positive attitude toward your mate, you also need to discover ways to deal with your own turbulent emotions and find answers for your own journey. The decision to give space and speak positively, when your heart is breaking and your emotions are on a roller coaster, needs supernatural backup. And supernatural backup is available. God is waiting on the doorstep of your heart, wanting to give you His peace, His wisdom, and His love. He has answers for you. So in the midst of your turmoil, reach out and invite Him in to sit with you in your grief. He has much to teach you and show you. He can lift you up during these hard times. He will walk with you on this journey.

I Don’t Want a Divorce

Realize, too, that you need to give this time. When separation or serious steps toward divorce occur, something in the marriage is broken and change needs to happen. But change takes time. If you let God accompany you on this journey, He will lead you through this labyrinth of confusion one step at a time. He can teach you what He wants you to know, and, if you don’t set time limits, you can give God time to reach into your spouse’s heart and bring about needed changes there too. If you don’t want a divorce and can put your hope in God instead of being in a hurry for resolution, there’s a good chance you can reconnect with your spouse in God’s perfect timing and eventually come together again with a healthy marriage.

Finding the Hope

If your emotions are tearing you apart and you feel like your world is collapsing around you, my first book, Broken Heart on Hold, will give you the emotional and spiritual strength to make it through this troubling time so you can be whole again and make good decisions. Broken Heart on Hold is a friend to walk beside you on this journey and has already helped countless others. I know it can help you too.

If you don’t want a divorce and want guidance on how to make the right decisions so you and your spouse can begin to connect again in a positive way, my second award-winning book, Fighting for Your Marriage while Separated, can take you step by step toward healing.

When separation occurs or one spouse moves toward divorce, many people think it’s hopeless. But it’s not. Just like what happened with my husband and I after being separated for three years, feelings can change. If one of you doesn’t want a divorce and is committed to doing what you can to turn things around, there is a strong possibility you can pivot your relationship in a new direction so a resurrected marriage can take place.

What have you tried to do to help your own marriage? I’d love to hear your comments.

 

If you don’t want a divorce and are willing to fight for your marriage, let me walk with you through the pages of my book, Fighting for Your Marriage while Separated. There you will find practical help that can guide you toward reconciliation even if you’re fighting for your marriage alone.

Share
Filed Under: BOOKS, Divorce, Marital separation, marriage, Marriage problems, Reconciliation, Uncategorized Tagged With: , , , , ,

Avoiding the 12 Relationship Mistakes Women Make – Interview with Author Georgia Shaffer

September 18, 2019 by Leave a Comment

Relationships are challenging. And we all make mistakes.. But Georgia Shaffer, author of Avoiding the 12 Relationship Mistakes Women Make, believes there are 12 that are common to all of us, and we can avoid them if we can first identify them and then do the work to overcome them.  In addition to authoring several books, Georgia is a licensed psychologist in Pennsylvania, a Christian life coach, and a professional speaker who is a charter member of AACC’s International Christian Coaching Association. Her story and photos are featured in the film Letters to God, where she shares her story as a cancer survivor who was told over 22 years ago that she had a two percent chance of living another 10 years.

It’s a privilege to be able to spend some time with Georgia so she can share bits of her wisdom with you all.  I’m excited about what you’ll hear from her. And, by the way, Men, don’t let the title fool you. This is for you too.

Linda: In your book, Avoiding 12 Relationship Mistakes Women Make you talk a lot about relational blind spots. We can all relate to the idea of having visual blind spots when driving, but what do you mean by the term “relational blind spot”?

Georgia: A relational blind spot is our inability to see things in ourselves, or in others close to us, as they really are. A blind spot may also be something we do notice but discount as not important when, in fact, that thing is very significant. About 80 percent of the time, we see our connections with others accurately. But 20 percent of the time, we only think we see ourselves or our relationships clearly, when, in fact, we do not. Unfortunately, self-deception is not the exception.

 Linda: What led you to write about relational blind spots in this book?

 Georgia: Years ago when I was researching for a previous book, I came across the concept of “psychological blind spots.” The source did not refer to them as “relational.” As I thought about how they impact our interactions with others, I decided to call them “relational blind spots.”  What’s interesting is that I never learned about these blind spots, even though I’m a licensed psychologist in Pennsylvania. It was a new concept for me.

As I spoke about relational blind spots at retreats and conferences, I realized I wasn’t the only one that didn’t know about their existence.

Our relational blind spots are so important. Jesus talks about them in Matthew 7:3 when he says we fail to pay attention to our blindness. I wrote Avoiding the 12 Relationship Mistakes Women Make to help more people understand that we all have relational blind spots, what they are, and how we can minimize their destructive impact.

Linda: You talk about this for women.  But I don’t want to let the men off the hook here. So tell me, do men have relational blind spots too?

 Georgia: Even though the book focuses on women, men have the same blind spots as women do.

Common Blind Spots

 Linda: What is one of our most common blind spots?

 Georgia: The blind spot of failing to pay attention to our limitations.

 Just like a gas tank has a limited capacity and needs to be refilled to keep a car running, we have a limited amount of financial, physical, mental and emotional resources. If we fail to pay attention to our limits, rather than accepting and accommodating for them, our relationships suffer. Sometimes the relationship consequences of this failure are minor. We might just become mildly annoying and people might wish we would just relax. Other times, failure to heed our limitations can cause irreparable damage—like a divorce.

Rather than ignore our limitations, we need to embrace them. God created us with our particular limitations, so we honor him when we learn to live within them.

We need to be intentional about taking time to recharge and renew ourselves—physically, emotionally, and spiritually.  When I’m trying to do too much too fast, that’s usually when I am most crabby with those around me. Unfortunately, too many times I don’t realize how irritated or exhausted I am until I hurt someone’s feelings.

If your readers are interested in knowing all 12 of the relationship mistakes we make, they might want to visit the free resources page at www.GeorgiaShaffer.com for a complete list.

Linda: Once we realize we have blind spots, what can we do to protect our relationships from the destructive blind spots? Could you give us at least two examples?

Georgia: First, seek God’s wisdom: Jesus told his disciples, “Blessed are your eyes because they see, and your ears because they hear” (Matthew 13:16 NIV). To be like that, we need to pray that the Holy Spirit, the spirit of truth, will guide us and show us what we miss.

Second, listen to wise counsel: Since we can miss what is obvious to others, seeking and listening to wise counsel is vital. Other people usually have a clearer understanding of our shortcomings than we do. A neutral, trustworthy, wise person can give us insight into a difficult situation. In Proverbs 15:31 NLT, we read, “If you listen to constructive criticism, you will be at home among the wise.”

Be sure, however, to seek counsel only from safe, godly people you have learned are trustworthy. Don’t go around asking everyone’s advice. If you do, you will be sure to get bad advice.

Becoming Self-Aware

Linda:  You say that to have healthy relationships we have to see ourselves as we really are. What are some characteristics of people who are self-aware? 

Georgia: People who rate high in self-awareness are:

–        Clear about what they do well and how they can help others

–        Aware of their flaws and hidden motives

–        Willing to spend time on self-reflection

–        Open to learning from their mistakes 

One research study of top performers in a work setting found that 83 percent of them also rated high in self-awareness. If you want to be a top performer in your relationships, then you will cultivate self-awareness.

Linda:  Another interesting blind spot you write about is “Thinking we are the exception to the rule.” Tell me more about that.

 Georgia: We incorrectly assume that other people’s experiences don’t apply to our lives. We do this often. We think we’re different somehow. A friend who read a draft of Avoiding the 12 Relationship Mistakes Women Make told her husband about the illustration I used to discuss this blind spot. I talk about the visual blind spots we have on either side of a car’s front windshield. Unless we move our head forward and backward, something like a truck or pedestrian can be hidden behind the frame that supports the windshield.

“My car doesn’t have that blind spot,” her husband said. A few weeks later, however, he came home from work, shaking.

“What happened?” my friend asked”

“I barely missed hitting a truck that was hidden by that blind spot on the side of my windshield. . . I guess I do have that blind spot after all.”

Although you are unique, that does not necessarily mean you are exceptional. As Romans 12:3 says, “Do not think of yourself more highly than you ought, but rather think of yourself with sober judgment.”

Linda:  While I know we can’t avoid all misunderstandings and conflicts, what is another thing we can do routinely to minimize relational difficulties? 

Georgia: Be willing to cultivate self-awareness. Take time for reflection, asking God to help you see yourself as you are and to understand that he loves and accepts you as you are—the good parts and the unflattering ones.

At first, seeing ourselves as we are is uncomfortable. Once we make that breakthrough, we can make wiser decisions. Most importantly, we can experience the relational freedom God intends for us to enjoy.

 Linda: Thanks, Georgia. This has been helpful in looking at some of the relationship mistakes we make. Tell us again where we can learn more about the other relational blindspots and where we can find more about your book, 12 Relationship Mistakes Women Make. Also, some readers today may want to know how to find out more about your other books, including the one about surviving cancer, as well as your ministry and coaching.

Georgia: Avoiding the 12 Relationship Mistakes Women Make, along with the other books I’ve written, is available at www.GeorgiaShaffer.com on the book page. It can also be found at all online bookstores such as Amazon.com and Barnes and Noble.

 

Share
Filed Under: BOOKS, How to win, Interviews, marriage, Marriage problems, mistakes, Trying to understand, Uncategorized Tagged With: , , , , , ,

Would I Be Happier with a Divorce?

September 3, 2019 by 6 Comments

When problems begin eating away at your marriage, one question that often rises to the surface is whether you might be happier with a divorce. In fact, if crisis erupts, it may be one of the first options that come to mind.

But would divorce make you happier? Would it resolve the turmoil and nagging anxiety that keeps you off balance?  And would remaining in a seemingly bad marriage keep you miserable?

With these questions in mind, Sociologist Linda Waite and a team of family experts conducted a study of 5,212 married adults a number of years ago, asking them if they were happy, very happy, unhappy, or very unhappy.  Then, five years later, they interviewed these individuals again, asking them the same questions.

The results were surprising.

Of those who originally rated their marriage as unhappy, two-thirds of them who stayed married ranked their marriage as happy five years later. But even more dramatic was the turnaround of those who rated their marriages as VERY unhappy.  Five years after the original interview, eight out of ten of those who initially rated their marriage as very unhappy, now reported five years later that their marriage was now happy.

So what happened?

The most important factor for those couples who turned unhappy marriages into happy marriages was commitment. The study found that in order to overcome obstacles so happiness in the marriage could be achieved, the process had to begin with commitment. Then appropriate change could take place. These couples apparently rejected the idea that they would be happier with a divorce, but how that happiness was attained was accomplished in three different ways.

In some cases, couples actively worked to solve their problems and did. But for others in a second scenario, happiness came about in a different way. For them, the sources of conflicts that had divided husband and wife eventually disappeared as financial and job problems eased, conflicts over children went away, depression let up, or the pain of infidelity faded. Finally, a third group of these overcomers simply found alternative sources of happiness for themselves by not depending on their spouses to make them happy.

These people were not just trying to cope with simple, solvable problems. In interviewing 55 of these formerly unhappy couples who had achieved happiness in their marriages five years later, the researchers found that many of them had endured extended periods of unhappiness, including such things as “alcoholism, infidelity, verbal abuse, emotional neglect, depression, illness, and work reversals.” 1

Those who divorced

So what happened to those who thought they would be happier with a divorce? If they got a divorce, were they happier with the end result?

In this study collected by the National Survey of Family and Households, researchers found that partners who divorced after rating themselves as unhappy in their marriages were typically no happier than those unhappy adults who stayed married—even if they remarried.

After controlling for race, age, gender, and income and rating participants on 12 different measures of psychological well-being, the study showed that “divorce did not typically reduce symptoms of depression, raise self-esteem, or increase a sense of mastery.”2 Although some sources of stress were eliminated, other situations were set in motion by the divorce which resulted in new problems. These included, “the response of one’s spouse to divorce, the reactions of children, potential disappointments and aggravation in custody, child support, and visitation orders, new financial or health stresses for one or both parents, and new relationships or marriages.”3

So what’s the answer? Would you be happier with a divorce?

When we consider the three types of approaches mentioned by the researchers that enabled couples to turn unhappy marriages into happy marriages, the attitude chosen by the third group of overcomers who found alternative sources of happiness may be the best place to start. Instead of relying on their partners to make them happy, they found something else to focus on. No one can meet all of our needs, and when we depend on our spouses to make us happy, they will invariably fall short. Only God can meet all of our needs. So for us as believers, when problems come, if we begin by focusing on Jesus instead of our spouse, He can lift us above those painful circumstances and give us a peace and joy that surmounts the stress of our situation. He can open our eyes to the answers He has for us . . . and that brings us to the plan used by the first group who overcame a bad marriage to turn it into a good marriage . . .

Change.

When we focus on God, He can show us the changes He wants us to make as individuals to make us into the persons He wants us to be. He can also lead us to make needed changes in our relationship. As believers, we are all hopefully in the process of becoming who God wants us to be, and when we surrender our situations to Him, He can use them to purify our hearts and lives. His Word shows us how to communicate in healthy ways, and when we spend more time poring over God’s Word to find the wisdom He has for us, we can begin to see new ways to improve our relationships.

And that brings us to the second group who simply seemed to outlast their problems. What is true today might not be true tomorrow.  Our lives are ever-evolving. Circumstances change. Children grow up. Jobs come and go. Finances can change dramatically. When we make serious lifelong decisions based on a temporary juncture in life, we cut short our ability to see God’s overall plan for redemption and reconciliation. When we can join with our spouse to push through these temporary stresses, the partnership we form together can outlast life’s troubles and worries to create a beautiful and lasting union we will celebrate in times to come. When we give God time to work and surrender our problems to Him, He is faithful to give us answers along with His peace and joy

Tipping the Scales

So would you be happier with a divorce?

When we grow impatient with our circumstances and seek relief from the pain and discomfort they bring, divorce may appear to be the answer. And in some cases, such as with physical abuse or a spouse who persists in a sinful lifestyle that harms the family, there may be no other choice. But as the above study suggested, in many cases, we may just be inviting new problems into our life.

What can tip the scales in favor of fighting for our marriages is how much we believe in the power and wisdom of God.

When we believe that God is sovereign and has the power to move mountains, we can also rest in the assurance that He can change hearts and lives. If we believe His promise that He does indeed bring beauty from ashes, we can give the ashes of a crumbling marriage to Him while we wait for the beauty and joy of resurrection to appear.  Then we will discover the truth of Psalm 30:5, which says, “Weeping may endure for a night, But joy comes in the morning.”

 

If you are willing to fight for your marriage, let me walk with you through the pages of my book, Fighting for Your Marriage while Separated. There you will find practical help that can guide you toward reconciliation even if you’re fighting for your marriage alone.

Statistics and quotes above taken from: “Does Divorce Make People Happy? Findings from a Study of Unhappy Marriages” by Linda J. Waite, Don Browning, William J. Doherty, Maggie Gallagher, Ye Luo, and Scott M. Stanley, Institute for American Values.

What do you think of the results of this study? Add a comment and share what’s on your mind.

Share
Filed Under: Conflict, disappointment, Divorce, Hope, How to win, loss, Love, Marital separation, marriage, Marriage problems, Problems, Reconciliation, Trusting God, Uncategorized Tagged With: , , , , , , , , , ,

A Wonderful Love Letter

July 17, 2019 by 1 Comment

Photo by Himesh Kumar Behera on Unsplash

I read an inspiring letter from a soldier to his wife written a week before he was killed in battle. As I read, I thought about how much that letter must have meant to her. I imagine how his wife must have read that love letter many times after his death, over and over. What an assurance of his love it must have been! Reading the letter would bring him near once again and remind her of all they had together.

We have a letter like that also. And it is from the One who loves us more than anyone else ever has or ever will. It is a love letter from God.

Did you ever have a lover who told you, “I have so much to tell you, and I’m sending you a letter that will tell you everything,” and then when you got the letter, you set it aside and didn’t read it?

That is what we do when we put aside God’s Word and don’t read it. God’s Word is His love letter to us. In it He tells the story of His love—how He has chased us and wooed us and spoken to us through the ages. In this love letter He lays out His plans for us, tells us about the gifts He has for us and how we can obtain them. He shares His heart by telling us what’s important to Him and how we can come close to Him. He gives intimate clues in how to communicate with Him – how to both talk to Him and listen to Him.

How much God loves you

Do you fully understand just how much God loves you? In Ephesians 3, Paul expresses with great emotion his desire for you “to be able to feel and understand, as all God’s children should, how long, how wide, how deep and how high his love really is, and to experience this love for yourselves, though it is so great that you will never see the end of it or fully know or understand it. And so at least you will be filled up with God himself.”  (Ephesians 3: 18-19 TLB)

In John 3:16, the apostle John tells us just how much God loves us and what He did to demonstrate that love. “For God loved the world so much that He gave His only Son so that anyone who believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life.”

Then in Romans 8:34-35, 38-39, Paul again pleads with us to grasp the breadth and strength of Christ’s love “who died for us and came back to life again for us and is sitting at the place of highest honor next to God, pleading for us there in heaven. . . .  Who then,” he asks, “can ever keep Christ’s love from us?”

Paul gives us the answer to that question with great authority.  “I am convinced that nothing can ever separate us from his love. Death can’t, and life can’t. The angels won’t, and all the powers of hell itself cannot keep God’s love away. Our fears for today, our worries about tomorrow, or where we are—high above the sky, or in the deepest ocean—nothing will ever be able to separate us from the love of God demonstrated by our Lord Jesus Christ when he died for us.” (emphasis mine)

Wow! How could anyone’s love be greater than that? How could we ever receive a love letter that carries more emotion, sincerity, and power? Why would you and I not want to read that over and over?

It’s there in that love letter

The very first time I ever read Romans 8, I cried from sheer amazement that the God of the universe could love me so much. If you ever need to be reminded of how much God loves you in spite of your disappointments and failures, read Romans 8. The power of God’s love will grab hold of your heart, and you will know that no earthly love could ever be a match for the love of our wonderful Lord.

Earthly love will sometimes fail us. People will disillusion us. But God’s love will hold us up through each and every crisis we face or obstacle we need to overcome.

With Paul in his letter to the Ephesians in chapter 3: 17, 18, I pray that as you pick up the love letter God has written for you and begin to read it, “your roots [will] go down deep into the soil of God’s marvelous love so you will “be able to feel and understand . . . how long, how wide, how deep and how high his love really is.”

Scripture references taken from the Living Bible.

****

If you need help to heal a hurting marriage, my new book, Fighting for Your Marriage while Separated, offers the tools you need to win back the love in your relationship even if you’re fighting for your marriage alone.

 

Share
Filed Under: God's Word, Love, marriage, Time with God, Uncategorized, Where is God? Tagged With: , , , ,

Why Can’t He Be More Like Me?, Author Interview with Poppy Smith

July 10, 2019 by Leave a Comment

“Why can’t he be more like me?”

I’m sure many of us women have looked at our husbands at times and struggled with that question. Why does he do the things he does? Why can’t he think and act the way I do? In my interview with Poppy Smith about her book, Why Can’t He Be More Like Me?, you will learn her answer to that bewildering question.  It’s clear to me that Poppy feels deeply about marriage and the importance of sharing what she’s learned with women who are grappling with this issue, for despite a very busy schedule, she graciously worked this interview with me in between edits of her newest book and flights in and out of the country for speaking engagements.

Poppy Smith is British, married to an American, and is an international speaker and multi-published author.  Her delightful sense of humor and honest practicality is evident in some of her book titles: I’m Too Young to Be This Old; and I’m Too Human to Be Like Jesus.  I believe you will be encouraged by the wisdom she has to share with you.

Linda: Tell us why you wrote Why Can’t He Be More Like Me. Does it come from your personal struggles?

Poppy:  Marriage is difficult for many reasons and our culture’s message is, If you’re unhappy, move on. But God has another message, use your difficulties and differences to grow closer to Him and let Him change you.

I’m from England and met and married my American husband, Jim, when I lived and worked as a secretary in Kenya. Neither of us was in ministry. I was a young, immature Christian and Jim was a doctor with the Peace Corp. Six weeks after our wedding we came to America. I was 22, an immigrant without family or friends. Jim was the only person I knew and he was buried in his studies and work. Desperately lonely, I became very angry, questioning what I had done and where God was. I wanted to run back to Kenya or England, but knew that wasn’t what God wanted.

I was miserable for many years, but bit by bit God helped me. I learned to analyze where our problems were coming from, how to adjust my expectations, and how to accept life with someone who was my total opposite. As a speaker, author, and spiritual life-coach, I’ve found that through my difficult experiences I’m able to identify with and minister to both single and married women. I wrote, Why Can’t He Be More Like Me? to help women who are considering marriage, or baffled and upset by the man they married. It is full of practical tools and quizzes to help singles and couples understand themselves and why their relationship isn’t all they dreamed of and what they can do about it.

Linda: What do you think lies behind difficulties in marriage?

 Poppy:  There are many reasons. We have expectations that we’ve never been aware of, until we find them not being met.  Often we assume we have the same ways of looking at things, same values, same tastes, and same priorities.  We think our way of thinking and doing things is normal and wonder what the matter is with our spouse. My chapter, He’s Not My Clone, deals with many of these reasons.

 Linda: Do you think that a couple’s different upbringings can sometimes contribute to difficulties?poppy-smith

Poppy: Yes, even if you marry the boy next door, you still had different upbringings that can produce conflict. I expected my husband to lock the doors at night because my father did, Jim didn’t think about it because they never locked their home on the farm.  I tackle this common source of many disagreements in We Weren’t Raised in the Same Home. We can have different values, work ethics, ideas on raising children, handling conflict, money, communication and countless other issues because we were raised differently.

Linda: What about their different personalities and ways of processing information and events?

Poppy: Research shows that the brains of men and women are wired differently.  Understanding this fact can reduce a lot of conflict.  Understanding your personality type is also extremely helpful.  You might want to be involved in lots of events, but your spouse might prefer a quieter life. He might have high energy and want to be the life of the party, maybe he is loud or dominant. You might be the opposite, soft-spoken and preferring quiet.  Opposites often attract, but unless both partners learn to accept and respect one another, their differences can often lead to attacks.   There’s no perfect match of personalities that will ensure a happy marriage. In the end, every relationship is determined by how you treat each other. Appreciate your different strengths and focus on them.

Linda: In Why Can’t He Be More Like Me, you talk about men and women having some emotional needs in common, but they also have different needs.  Tell us more about that.

Poppy: Studies show that a primary need of women is affection.  For men, it is sexual intimacy.

Most of us feel loved when our husband spontaneously hugs and kisses us.  The majority of men, however, feel loved and accepted when their wife is sensitive to their sexual needs. Both want to feel loved, but it is perceived in different ways.  God made men with a legitimate sexual hunger that we are to respect as part of His design. Other human needs we have in common are attention, admiration, companionship, encouragement and domestic support.

Linda: Learning to communicate so you both hear what the other is saying is a key part of understanding each other.  What have you found most helpful?

Poppy: I took it for granted that my husband would know when I wanted attention and affection. That he’d know the sweet, soothing words I needed when I was upset. When this didn’t happen, I was hurt and wallowed in disappointment and negativity toward him.  I’ve learned that I need to adjust my expectations of him, because he just doesn’t think or respond as I would. He’s not bad, he’s a man. He’s not a woman and he’s not my clone.  I now explain my feelings and needs to him and ask for what I want at that moment. In addition, we’ve both learned to speak up when we feel hurt by the other. This enables us to apologize and grow closer as a couple.  

Linda: How can a couple find healthy ways to deal with conflict.

Poppy: I give many steps to defuse conflict in He Handles Conflict One Way, I Handle It Another. Four simple tips are: Learn to stop and ask yourself: what is this conflict about? Sometimes you’re reacting to different issues and don’t realize it.

Listen to each other’s reasoning and feelings without interrupting.

Decide what’s best for your relationship, not who is right.

Practice taking turns with who gets their preference.

Linda: Where can people find your book, Why Can’t He Be More Like Me?

Poppy:  You can order it anywhere books are sold. I’m delighted to send a signed copy if it’s ordered from my website: www.poppysmith.com  Your readers can find more at my website about my other books and the various topics I speak on—including marriage, domestic violence, the power of our words, and how to thrive no matter what.

 

Share
Filed Under: BOOKS, Conflict, disappointment, Expectations, Interviews, marriage, Marriage problems, men & women, Problems, Trying to understand, Uncategorized Tagged With: , , , , ,

Understanding Your Spouse’s Love Language

June 26, 2019 by Leave a Comment

How do we express love to our spouse? And how can we be sure our husband or wife really feels our love? Without feeling loved, misunderstandings in a marriage can sometimes become magnified. Even though we tell our spouse we love them and do what we can to show it, he or she still may not feel loved. Saying I love you isn’t always enough.

The Five Love Languages

In Gary Chapman’s revolutionary book, The Five Love Languages, Chapman lays out his now-popular theory that love is expressed and experienced in five different ways. He calls these love languages. Each person, he believes, responds more favorably to one or two of them, making it important for husbands and wives to express love through the preferred love language of their spouse. He describes the love languages as quality time, words of affirmation, acts of service, gifts, and physical touch.

At one of Chapman’s seminars at a marriage conference I attended, Chapman told the story of a couple who came to him for counseling. The woman complained of not feeling loved, but her husband expressed incredulity. He didn’t understand how she felt this way because of all the many things he did to try to please her and show his love. His wife responded that what he said was true, but he never spent time with her. As Gary Chapman delved deeper with this couple, he discovered the problem was that they spoke different love languages. The husband was showing love through “acts of service.” But the wife wanted to receive love through “quality time.”

In any good marriage we need to feel loved by our partner. When we don’t, there’s a void. Not surprisingly, when a spouse’s emotional need for love is not being met, that person can easily interpret the void as rejection. Feeling rejected leaves a person vulnerable to various escapes and some of those can be destructive to the marriage. Chapman explained that since few husbands and wives share the same love language, misunderstandings often occur when one marriage partner needlessly goes around feeling unloved.

Understanding the Five Love Languages

So how do we show love to our partner in a way that will be meaningful to them? How do we apply these love languages to our relationships?

Quality time – When a person’s love language is quality time, they feel loved when their spouse wants to spend time with them. If a husband or wife is too busy at work or devoting time to the children, the spouse may feel neglected. Quality time does not just mean sitting in front of the TV together, it means actually spending time interacting. It can be sitting and talking, going to dinner or a movie, riding bikes together or taking a walk – anything in which you can actively enjoy each other’s company.

Words of affirmation – If words of affirmation is your spouse’s love language, he or she will feel loved when you pay a compliment, offer encouraging words, say “I love you,” or speak with kindness and affection. Proverbs 16:24 says, “Pleasant words are a honeycomb, sweet to the soul and healing to the bones.” Positive words always carry power in a relationship, but for those whose love language is words of affirmation, encouraging words are even more important. In my book, Fighting for Your Marriage while Separated, I spend an entire chapter on this subject. Positive and affirming words can make an enormous difference in whether or not your spouse feels loved.

Acts of service – Those who have this love language may have just the opposite reaction to what is described above. If you tell your mate you love her and pay her compliments, but she doesn’t see your words backed up by actions, she may see the words as meaningless. She (or he) feels that if you really loved her (or him), you would do things to show it. When you don’t, your words or other gestures seem empty and your spouse may feel distant from you. As a result, feelings can grow cold. Taking your spouse a cup of coffee in the morning, doing the dishes for her, making him a nice meal speaks of love to someone whose love language is acts of service.

Gifts –  If one spouse looks forward to receiving nice gifts on special occasions, but gift giving is not a part of his spouse’s repertoire, a spouse may feel ignored and unloved if gift giving is his love language. Receiving a thoughtful gift from his spouse makes him feel special. He feels loved when you’ve taken the time to think about getting a present and then go out and get it. A spontaneous gift for no reason is a special treat as well as remembrances on special days.

Physical touch – Some people crave physical touch like hugs, hand holding, or a sweet kiss. If you are not a touchy feely person, times together with your spouse may lack physical touching. But if physical touch is your spouse’s love language, your husband or wife may have experienced feelings of rejection if times together lack this physical dimension. Sex may be one “dialect” of this love language, but more often it refers to non-sexual touch like an arm around her shoulder, a back rub, or merely holding hands.

Without understanding your spouse’s love language, you may have inadvertently neglected to show love in a manner your partner understands and appreciates. Consequently, reaffirming your love in a way that shows it rather than says it, speaks volumes. Fighting for your marriage by using your spouse’s love language whenever you have a chance can promote healing and, if you are separated or going through a troubled time in your marriage, speaking the right love language can possibly reignite the love that has been lost.

To understand more about the love languages, read The Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman.

Read more about how to reconcile a broken marriage in my book, Fighting for Your Marriage while Separated., A Practical Guide for the Brokenhearted.

Share
Filed Under: Love, marriage, Marriage problems, Problems, Reconciliation, Trying to understand, Uncategorized Tagged With: , , , , , , ,
« Previous Page
Next Page »
Return to top of page · Copyright © 2024 Linda Rooks All Rights Reserved · Return to Linda Rooks