Start Where You Are

Photo by Cheron James

When the world thrusts new challenges in our path – sometimes a life-changing challenge in the form of crisis that we are unprepared to deal with, what do we do? What is our first inclination?

Usually for me it’s to try to figure out all the angles so I can understand it better. For some people, it may be doing a Google search or calling a friend. Others might first visit the gym to work off the anxiety. Or maybe they just go to bed and sleep, hoping it will all go away. Unfortunately, some might even try to numb the tension by escaping through drinking, smoking, or drugs.

With no prospects for immediate solutions, our minds spin in confusion, and everything’s a blur. How do we make wise choices when we can’t understand what’s happening? Where do we go? How do we start?

The best place to start is right where you are.

“Be still,” says Psalm 46:10, “and know that I am God,”

Yes, the first thing to do is stop what you’re doing—whatever it is—and look up. Grasp hold of the one thing you know to be true and real and lasting. And that is the living God, the Creator of Heaven and Earth, our loving Father God,

One morning as a teenager, when I was experiencing a time of heartache, I opened my Bible and read Matthew 6:33.  In that passage God revealed the answer to my yearning and the secret to the new beginnings I needed so I could move forward. “Seek FIRST the kingdom of God and His righteousness, and ALL THESE THINGS will be added to you.”  The words jumped out at me and came alive in my spirit. I knew God was speaking to me, telling me to seek Him first, to come close to Him, and then I would find what I was looking for. That scripture became a tablet on my heart. From that day forward, I have seen Him unfold good things in my life when seeking Him remains my priority. When I veer away from that and start wandering into anxiety, God has a way of bringing me back to that truth until I once again look up and seek Him first. That’s when the answers begin to come.

If we first seek the kingdom of God; if we first seek His righteousness, then these other things will come in His timing and His sovereignty. And we might be surprised at the good things He has in store for us when we let Him direct our paths.

Our Father God is the ultimate reality, the only truth we can always depend on.  When we start with Him He will lead us along paths of victory. My friend and evangelist Jimmy Sowder often told his audiences, “Our greatest glory is not in never failing, but in rising every time we fail.”

If you are struggling for answers and need direction, grab hold of Jesus’ hand so He can lift you up. Let your mind be taken captive by the Word of God. Seek His wisdom and ask Him to show you the next best step and the next. Clear your mind of the garbage that holds you back, and put the messiness of the past behind you. Focus completely on God and His Word. If your thinking lingers on the past, remember what God has done for you in former times, the ways He has pulled you out of scrapes and rescued you. Have you thanked Him for these times of deliverance? Whether you did or didn’t, do so now. Acknowledge Him as your Lord and Savior who saves you out of all your worries.

God will lift you up and show you the direction to take. Trust Him one day at a time. He is your loving Father. And He knows the way.

God is our refuge and strength,
an ever-present help in trouble.
Therefore we will not fear, though the earth give way
and the mountains fall into the heart of the sea,
 though its waters roar and foam
and the mountains quake with their surging (Psalm 46:1-3).

 

Find a path through separation with my new book, Fighting for Your Marriage while Separated.

 

 

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Tearing Down and Building Up

Photo by Meric Dagli

Last year when we finished our Marriage 911 class, I witnessed a startling change.

When the class first began, I stood at the podium and looked out at people whose marriages had crumbled around them and their lives falling apart. Their faces were despondent; their eyes filled with questions and doubt. But thirteen weeks later on the night of our final class, many of those same people—eyes shining with new hope—spoke up to tell us of resurrected marriages. Others had not seen their marriages restored, but had discovered a new peace in the waiting and a perseverance to hold onto God and follow His lead.

God was doing a new thing. Lives that previously seemed in ruins were being rebuilt.

As wonderful as this is, however, in the middle of the chaos it’s hard to understand. Why does God allow us to go through such suffering?

In the book of Jeremiah, the prophet warns the people of coming calamity. But at the same time he tells them God will restore them and build them up again. God wanted to get their attention to lead them back to Him, but they wouldn’t listen and kept on living a lifestyle of willfulness and rebellion. So, yes, while God had allowed their lives to plummet into a period of apparent hopelessness, at the same time He was working to bring restoration so He could give them a brand new future.

Isn’t this what sometimes happens to us as Christians when we experience trials? Whether the trial comes about as a result of our own sin, someone else’s sin, or just rough circumstances, crisis brings us to our knees where we finally look up to God for help. And when we do, He shows up, pointing out changes He wants us to make, sins He wants us to abandon, or a new direction He wants us to go.

We are such stubborn creatures, going our own way, doing our own thing, we seldom take the time to really listen to our ever-present Father who wants to lead us into the future He has planned for us. Once He gets our attention, once we start to listen to His words, once we begin to obey what He is telling us to do, He begins to build us up again.

In Jeremiah 31:3 – 4, the Lord’s words ring out to remind us of his love and His presence in our lives even during times of trouble. “I have loved you with an everlasting love, I have drawn you with loving kindness. I will build you up again and you will be rebuilt.”

When trials come and our lives seem to be collapsing around us, it may be a time to look up. God may be trying to get our attention, and if we haven’t been listening, the turmoil we’re experiencing may be His megaphone. But He will not leave us in a place of hopelessness.

His encouraging words in Jeremiah 31.13 tell us His plan. “I will turn their mourning into gladness; I will give them comfort and joy instead of sorrow.”

In every life, seasons come. If you are in a season of tumult and confusion, find comfort in the fact that this is only a season, and other seasons will come. Put your hope in God, and He will build you up.

For everything there is a season, and a time for every matter under heaven:

a time to be born, and a time to die;
a time to plant, and a time to pluck up what is planted;
a time to kill, and a time to heal;
a time to break down, and a time to build up;
a time to weep, and a time to laugh;
a time to mourn, and a time to dance;
a time to cast away stones, and a time to gather stones together;
a time to embrace, and a time to refrain from embracing;
a time to seek, and a time to lose;
a time to keep, and a time to cast away;
a time to rend, and a time to sew;
a time to keep silence, and a time to speak;
a time to love, and a time to hate;
a time for war, and a time for peace.

Ecclesiastes 3:1-8

To learn how to rebuild your marriage during a time of marital separation or crisis, check out my latest book, Fighting for Your Marriage while Separated. A Practical Guide for the Brokenhearted. Let me walk with you on this road to hope and restoration.

 

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How God Transformed Our Failing Marriage

Guest Post by Jennifer Slattery

Photo by Frank McKenna

Back when my husband proposed to me, I didn’t think about how hard marriage would be. Honestly I didn’t think at all. I was swept up in the romance as this sweet man knelt before me, rose in hand, promising to love me for the rest of his life. Actually I’m not sure he even said that. If my memory is correct, he asked, “Do you want to marry me,” and I said yes. We didn’t talk about commitment, the strain of merging two very diverse lives, or any of the other problems we came to face after.

I was young, naïve, and had no idea the work, humility, and the growth it would require to join two lives. I also didn’t realize how completely ill-equipped and ill-prepared I was. I discovered very quickly through a nearly failed marriage that I couldn’t love my husband well in my own wisdom and strength. Half the time, I didn’t even have the gumption to try. I was too focused on myself, too filled with pride and insecurity, to create the type of relationship I longed for.

Although I tried. I followed plans and read books and cajoled and pestered and begged. And prayed, oh, I did a lot of praying—that God would change my husband. Because, you see, I was convinced our mess was entirely his fault. If only he weren’t so selfish or prideful or distracted, if only he spent more time at home, or talked more. . . .  I had quite a list, one I perpetually reviewed but we never seemed to progress toward resolving.

Eventually, in fact, before my daughter‘s fourth birthday, my husband and I found ourselves sitting in a divorce lawyers office, ready to end it all. Neither one of us wanted to be there, but we hadn’t a clue how to unravel the tangle of hurt and distrust we’d created in our now failing marriage.

That evening, I left frustrated with myself, with the the state of our failing marriage, with the prospect of a shattered family, and angry with God. I knew divorce wasn’t His will. Therefore, I determined He wanted me to remain miserable for the rest of my life.

A few nights later, while my husband worked the graveyard shift and my daughter lay upstairs sleeping, I sat in a dark, silent living room, feeling completely alone. Not just alone, but trapped in my loneliness. “God, I give up,” I said. “I can’t do this anymore.”

Though at the time my words were more flippant than heartfelt, God answered, and He began to turn things around. He helped me connect with some strong Christian women—and disconnect from some perpetually unhappy ones who soured the way I viewed my life. But even more importantly, He drew me closer to Himself and shifted my focus off my husband and my failing marriage and onto Christ and myself.

First, He zeroed my gaze on my Savior. He reminded me of the depth of His love and care, of what He’d endured for me. In this, He helped me understand I was to love my husband, first and foremost, out of love for Him. On particularly tense days, when our arguments seemed to outnumber our smiles, I may not have felt my husband deserved anything from me, but Christ deserved my all, my full surrender.

Second, He showed me all the transformational work He longed to do within me. As I sat there in His presence, my heart laid bear before Him, He spoke tenderly to my soul—words of wisdom and insight, and often, conviction. In the light of His grace, as I began to set all my finger pointing aside, clarity came. I realized, yes, my husband had room to grow, but so did I.

God wanted me to focus on growing into the wife and mother He created me to be, entrusting my husband to Him.

And so I did. Surrendering my hurt, my wisdom, and my husband to my Father wasn’t easy, but it was freeing. And healing. Healing for me and our marriage. The more I released my grip, it seemed, the more of God’s power was unleashed within me.

The power to hold my tongue when angry words fought to come out.

The power to see good when everything around me felt hard.

The power to forgive when seeds of bitterness tried to grow.

The power to trust.

The power to love.

The power to hope.

That was over twenty years ago, and God has done amazing things within each of our hearts. I can honestly say, we’re closer than we’ve ever been. Those arguments that used to occur daily are now rare, and they are much shorter lived. The hurt? Gone. And in its place, love—enduring, inconquerable, love. Not because we said or did the right thing or figured this whole relationship dance out, but rather because we surrendered to the One who had. The One who formed us, who loved us, and fought for us.

Can you identify with Jennifer? If you feel you have a failing marriage, what steps do you feel God wants you to take next?

Jennifer Slattery is a writer and international speaker with a passion for helping women discover, embrace, and live out who they are in Christ. As the founder of Wholly Love Ministries, she and her team partner with churches to facilitate events designed to help women rest in their true worth and live with maximum impact. She maintains a devotional blog found at Jennifer Slattery Lives Out Loud and on Crosswalk. Connect with her on Facebook, Instagram, and Twitter. When not writing, reading, or editing, Jennifer loves going on mall dates with her adult daughter and coffee dates with her hilariously fun husband. Contact her HERE to book her for your next women’s event.

Hometown Healing:by Jennifer Slattery  – She’s home again, but not for long…
Unless this cowboy recaptures her heart

 

If you have a failing marriage, find hope and help in my new book, Fighting for Your Marriage while Separated, A Practical Guide for the Brokenhearted. by Linda W. Rooks.

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Marriage Off Course, Interview with Authors Clint and Penny Bragg

A marital separation can take a person down many different roads. The confusion and complexities often keep a separated spouse continually off balance and uncertain about what path to take or decision to make. It’s almost always a desert experience. Many of you have probably read my two books, Fighting for Your Marriage while Separated and Broken Heart on Hold, but I want to introduce you to the authors of another book on separation that might offer new perspectives to help you on this difficult and unwanted journey.

Clint and Penny Bragg know about separation, but they also know about divorce. They were divorced for eleven years before they rediscovered each other and remarried. Knowing both the pain of divorce and the joy of a reconciled marriage, their new book, Marriage Off Course, Trusting God in the Desert of Unwanted Separation or Divorce, walks with readers through the desert of both separation and divorce to strengthen their faith and help them heal. The Braggs also provide insightful perspective into the mind of a prodigal wife and the husband who is left behind. For those of you men who want a book from the perspective of a husband whose wife has left, the Bragg’s book offers, among other things, a compassionate friend who understands what a man is going through when his wife has left.

Linda: Why did you write your latest book, Marriage Off Course: Trusting God in the Desert of Separation and Divorce?

Penny and Clint: The sorrow and grief of a broken marriage is a pain like no other. We know. We’ve been there. In the summer of 1991, our marriage blew into a billion tiny pieces. Yes, we were Christians. Yes, we were involved in a church. We even served in leadership positions. Still, we did not understand how to cultivate a Christ-based marriage, how to communicate, how to honor each other’s differences, and many other important aspects of having a healthy marriage. Little by little, a distance began forming between us emotionally, spiritually, and physically. We tried counseling and meeting with our pastor. Nothing helped. Reconciliation seemed impossible. One balmy July evening, I (Penny) packed a few things in a suitcase, walked out our front door, and never looked back.

All hopes for a saved marriage were dashed. We divorced. Many years would pass.

Enter God. In a manner that can only be described as a modern-day miracle, after no contact for over a decade, God orchestrated our reconnection. Soon after, He reconciled our marriage. After we remarried and began seeking God together and putting Christ as the head of our marriage in every area, we knew that someday, we would reach out to those who were suffering the pain of a broken marriage. Marriage Off Course is our way of coming alongside others who are in need of hope, offering tangible ways to thrive in the desert season of a dying marriage. There is hope! There is help!

Linda: Tell me, Clint, when you and Penny separated and eventually divorced, what did you do to initially survive the heartbreak and hopelessness? What mistakes did you make?

Clint: Actually, I didn’t handle things well at all. At that time, there were no resources or other people I could talk to who understood what I was feeling. I also made several attempts to contact Penny even after she told me to stay away. I showed up at her apartment unannounced, as well as her workplace. In these ways, I was trying to “help” God by convincing Penny to come back. When all my attempts backfired, I slowly inched away from my relationship with God. Big mistake. That’s another reason we wrote Marriage Off Course: it contains very tangible do’s and don’ts. I hope that I can help others not to make the mistakes I made.

Bottom line: I turned my back on the only One who could heal my heart. To be honest, I was angry at God for not bringing Penny home, but I was afraid to admit that. As a result, my life continued to unravel for many years until I confessed my feelings of anger, asked God for forgiveness, and began seeking Him in every area of my life: spiritual, relationships, finances, health, home, profession, and my life dreams.

Looking back on it all now, I wish I would have focused on becoming more whole in Christ, instead of pulling away from Him. In chapter 7 of the book, we include several “timeline” exercises that will help you focus on using this time of brokenness in your marriage as the catalyst for becoming more whole. Perhaps that is part of God’s desire for you in all this.

 Linda: I’m glad you mentioned that chapter, Clint. It is one of my favorite parts of your book. It provides a great way to chart out the ups and downs in our lives so we can find healing from the past that we’re carrying into our present. But let me switch to your perspective, Penny, as the one who left the marriage. What would you say to those who are hoping their prodigal wife or husband will return?

Penny: Your spouse may act like everything is fine and they are moving along with their happy life, but deep down he/she knows that God is NOT in favor of their choice to walk away from the marriage. Don’t give up praying for him or her. In the book, we offer an entire chapter on various ways to use prayer as the power tool it was meant to be. More than a fight for your marriage, this is a fight for your own faith. Do you believe He is able to…?

It’s also important to remember that as you wait for your prayers to be answered, you are waiting on God, not your spouse or your circumstances. What you do with the “wait time” is essential to your spiritual and emotional survival. In chapters 3 and 6 of Marriage Off Course, we offer some very tangible ideas to help you grow closer to God as you wait on Him. As hard as it is to say, circumstances often get even more bleak during a separation before they get better. All the more reason to deepen your relationship with God. Knowing this now can help you faithfully endure the duration of the journey.

Linda: Some people in an unwanted separation or divorce find that as time passes, the people in their support system seem to burn out and give up. They know they can’t do this alone, but don’t know what to do. Do you have suggestions for them?

Clint and Penny: Over the years we have been helping spouses in crisis, we have heard this same heart-cry. That’s also one of the reasons we wrote this book to be a source of spiritual companionship. Receiving prayer from marriage advocates is critical, but sometimes scarce. Therefore, at the end of each chapter you will find a QR code to scan with your Smartphone or tablet and listen to a recorded prayer from us.

As seasons come and go, your support system may have to change. God doesn’t change, but people do. Stay involved and in fellowship with other believers. You may find that doing so provides you with new friends and prayer partners. Also, be willing to try new things, i.e. Christian workshops, classes, retreats, and worship gatherings. When prayer is offered at these types of events, take full advantage of the opportunity to receive it. Don’t isolate in your pain. Force yourself to stay connected in healthy life-giving relationships.

Linda: Throughout the book, you share bits and pieces of your story, but you also include the stories of others. Some of their marriages were reconciled, others were not. Why did you include both?

Penny and Clint: You aren’t the first person to ask us about that. When we were conducting interviews for the book, one divorced spouse asked us, “Why do you want to include my story? My marriage wasn’t saved.”

Every marriage can be reconciled, but not every marriage is reconciled. That’s a hard statement to make. But God is concerned with every individual heart of His children. You matter to God. Whatever the outcome, your story matters. Every detail in your story is held close to His heart. Your worth is not measured by the success of your marriage, or a lack thereof.

Linda: “You are known as “marriage missionaries.” Would you explain what that means, what you do, and where you go as missionaries?”

Clint and Penny: We have been serving as “marriage missionaries” since 2006. Each year, we embark on a number of mission trips across the United States. Basically, we load all our teaching materials and books in our van and drive to any church that invites us. During those trips, we also meet with spouses and couples in crisis who are on our route. We share our testimony of reconciliation, pray with spouses in need, teach workshops, and train marriage ministry teams and pastors. We’ve traveled overseas to several countries as well. As marriage missionaries, we raise all our own support so that there is no financial burden on churches or families.

Linda: “How can people find out more about your books and ministry or contact you if they want you to come to their area of the country?”

Penny and Clint: We LOVE being asked that question! We can be reached through our Inverse Ministries website at www.InverseMinistries.org. You can also access more information about our three marriage books, Marriage on the Mend, Your Marriage, God’s Mission, and Marriage Off Course on our website as well. We also offer a variety of free resources for spouses in crisis. Just email us at reconcile@inverseministries.org

 

If you’re going through a separation or divorce and wanting to reconcile your marriage, please feel free to ask Clint or Penny a question.

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Don’t Stop with Okay, We’re Fixed . . . Keep on Growing.

Last week’s story of a couple whose marriage soared to heights of great happiness after first encountering and surmounting problems, challenges many of us to examine just how much fuel we are giving to our own marriages so we can achieve a similar level of happiness in our relationships.

Rick and Jolene found a fix for their problems when they went through Marriage 911, but they didn’t stop with okay, we’re fixed. They wanted more. They went to classes and seminars, retreats, and cruises, they read books together—anything they could find to strengthen their relationship, improve communication, and heighten their romance. And they achieved the marriage of their dreams.

It’s so easy to settle in when things are just okay instead of doing the work to go the next step so your marriage can thrive rather than stopping at just okay.

Joe Williams, co-founder of Marriage 911, often says the natural direction of marriage is to separate. In other words, if you are not working to make your marriage better, chances are it will grow worse.

Life is busy, and distractions are many. There’s money to make, careers to grow, children to love and take care of, and duties to carry out. If our marriage is no longer hurting, it’s easy to let it slip into the back seat and stop with okay.

But what can you do to take your marriage to the next level?

Here are some suggestions to make sure you are keeping God in the center of your marriage and that you are nourishing your relationship by spending quality time together.

  • Pray together daily.
  • Read the Bible or take part in a Bible study together.
  • Go to church together every week.
  • Have date nights regularly (at least once a month, but preferably more).
  • Read a book on marriage together at least once or twice a year.
  • Listen or watch a marriage podcast once a month.
  • Take weekend or week-long trips together.
  • Plan to attend at least one major enrichment event a year such as a retreat, seminar, class, or cruise.

Making your marriage a priority now can save you from more heartache later. If you worry about taking time away from your children, realize a strong marriage gives your children a firm and solid foundation from which they can later sprout wings in their personal lives to appropriately explore the world they will one day enter as adults.

When my husband’s and my marriage fell apart and we became separated in the ’90s, our older daughter was in her second year of college. She writes of that time, “As a college student on my own for the first time ever, it had been as if I was in a little row boat in the middle of the sea. My one source of stability had been that I knew there was a large ship within rowing distance that I could easily get to whenever I needed it. In that moment [when my parents separated], it felt like that ship was blown up and sinking to the bottom of the ocean. I was alone. There was no one I could turn to for security or stability. All I had ever known that was secure was no more.”

Keeping your marriage strong (or strengthening it after recovering from a crisis), will not only improve your couple communication and bring greater happiness to you, but strengthen the stability and confidence of your children. If you’ve suffered through a marital collapse, allowing your children to watch you grow your marriage into a more loving and fruitful relationship will teach them the value of pursuing God’s best in marriage.

Instead of stopping with okay, take your marriage to the next level. Give yourselves the gift of a great marriage. Take the time to engage in marriage enrichment opportunities to expand your framework of ideas and strategies to attack common problems that arise. Realize these programs can open your eyes to issues that might be undermining your relationship that you may not even be aware of. Enjoy finding out how to make love deposits in your spouse’s love bank that will create a love reserve so future problems won’t exact a toll on your marriage. Best of all, discover how making these discoveries can bring you the happiness that God intended when He created this thing called marriage.

Next week in Heart Talk, let’s look at specific programs, retreats, books, podcasts, etc. that can enhance your marriage.

Don’t stop with okay. Keep on growing. Have a great marriage!

f you need help in fighting for your marriage, let me walk with you through the pages of my book, Fighting for Your Marriage while Separated. There you will find practical help that can guide you toward reconciliation even if you’re fighting for your marriage alone.

 

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Overcoming Obstacles in Your Marriage to Find Joy for the Journey

A True Love Story that Unlocks the Secret of How to Overcome –

I still remember that first phone call from Jolene as she described the situation in her marriage that was causing her such heartache. Her husband’s life and hers were going in two different directions as their expectations diverged and their emotional needs increasingly went unmet. She had tried to get Rick to understand why she was unhappy and what he was doing that was causing such anxiety, hurt, and discouragement. But he simply didn’t get it.

When she called me, she was ready to walk away from the marriage.

“Do you think Marriage 911 would help us?” she asked. “Is ours the type of situation that would benefit from your class?”

I told her I believed it would. And so they came . . . even though Rick still didn’t understand Jolene’s concern. During those thirteen weeks they faithfully went through the Marriage 911 workbook with the class and participated in their individual small groups. Jolene stayed strong, believing God would break through their gridlock as she read Broken Heart on Hold and allowed God to nurture her heart.

Rick struggled honestly to understand, and then somewhere in the middle of the class, my husband Marv, the leader of Rick’s group, spoke words that illuminated a new understanding in Rick’s mind. A light went off. For years afterward, Rick not only remembered my husband’s words verbatim, but repeated them regularly every time he spoke of this incident. “It’s the appearance of impropriety . . . even though it’s not actual impropriety, it’s the appearance of impropriety.” Once he heard the words, the words popped. He saw it. He got it!

As the thirteen weeks wore on, Jolene’s smile grew more radiant as she began to understand Rick’s new appreciation for her concerns. Their communication began to improve. By the end of the class, their marriage had taken a new turn toward wholeness and healing.

Wanting More Joy for the Journey

But Rick and Jolene weren’t satisfied to stop at merely fixing the problem. They wanted more for their marriage. They wanted to avoid any other slips into miscommunication. They had heard enough stories and learned enough to know more was possible. They didn’t want just an okay marriage or even a good marriage. They wanted a fantastic marriage. They wanted to experience true joy for the journey as they traveled this life together. And they were willing to do whatever necessary to pursue that dream.

They went on a weekend retreat called Retrouvaille where they learned to communicate more clearly and connect with each other’s hearts. They took more marriage classes like Love and Respect, Marriage Oneness and others and read books to grow their relationship. They went on a weekend retreat called Weekend to Remember sponsored by Family Life, which took them to a whole new level of appreciation for one another. One of their favorite romantic adventures was going on a Love Like You Mean It Marriage Cruise, sponsored by Family Life.

In the span of about a year they went from a marriage drifting into possible separation or divorce to a marriage that soared with new possibilities. They had found the joy for the journey they’d been looking for.

A Second Phone Call

A little over a year after they had participated in Marriage 911, I received another phone call from Jolene. After telling me about the transformation in their marriage, she told me they now wanted to give back and help others achieve the joy in their marriages like they had found for their own journey. They became leaders in our Marriage 911 class and then began to facilitate other marriage classes as well. They became active in a wonderful Christian program called Tres Dias that took people on a closer walk with Christ. Rick had a heart for men and organized a Stepping Up seminar at church where many men made stronger commitments to God and to their roles as leaders in their home and church.  Rick and Jolene’s marriage became a shining light to others, and for ten years they touched countless other lives and marriages through their ministry.

A New Crisis in Their Marriage

But a year and a half ago, something began happening to Rick that they didn’t understand. A new challenge was unfolding – a life changing one that would take them on a new and frightening journey.

I first noticed it in our Marriage 911 class when I asked Rick, as one of our leaders, to come up to the microphone and offer a prayer. He limped to the front of the room, leaning on a cane. Questions went off in my mind. What was wrong with Rick? Why was he using a cane?

I later learned he had been experiencing weakness in his joints. After a number of doctor’s appointments and medical tests, Rick was diagnosed with ALS.

ALS is a terrible fatal disease that affects nerve cells in the brain and spinal cord, causing loss of muscle control. The muscles all over the body begin to get weaker until paralysis sets in. It’s also called Lou Gehrig’s Disease. In spite of his body growing weaker, however, Rick and Jolene’s faith grew even stronger. They prayed together. They laughed together. And they cried together –always hanging onto hope because they knew their hope was anchored on the solid foundation of Jesus Christ.

And they continued to minister together. At the beginning of this year, Jolene wheeled Rick into our Marriage 911 class in a wheel chair so they could once more share their testimony before our class about how God had healed their marriage. They continued sharing with others all through this time to convey to them how God has given them joy for the journey—even on a journey as difficult as the one they traveled this past year. Because of their beautiful witness, others saw Jesus’ redemptive love and joy shine forth from their lives in a number of venues again and again, even as Rick suffered through debilitating illness and affliction and Jolene walked by his side.

On September 26 of this year, Rick was healed—not in the earthly way we had prayed for—but In God’s infinite mercy He took Rick home before the pain had intensified. God gave Rick a new heavenly body, perfectly designed for Rick’s eternal home in heaven.

Through Jolene’s tears, I see the joy of having a love that endured the pain of their earlier years, a love that overcame misunderstandings and heartache, a love that persevered through sickness and affliction, a love that grew to soar on wings like eagles as together they ministered to other hurting hearts and lives and brought people to Christ so others could experience a joy of their own.

The Love Story Rick Left Behind for Us to Share

But before his homecoming to Heaven, during the early days of his illness when he was being diagnosed with ALS, Rick wrote a love letter to Jolene that says it all. Here is a part of it.

“Having the pleasure of you as my wife has been the best thing that has ever happened to me. I have not always been the best of husbands, but you have stood by me in good times and in bad. I can’t imagine anyone else but you by my side.

As we have learned to show the kind of love and respect that we each need, I have gained a new understanding of how awesome God’s design for marriage can be. Your love for me has made me a better man. You have helped me be the leader of our home and have given me the confidence to be God’s servant to you and others. I thank you for your faith and your love for God.

Thank you for joining me on this wonderful journey. You have given my life purpose. You still are the woman of my dreams and all I could have hoped for. Thank you for loving me for who I am and treating me like a man of God. I love you with all my heart… I love you more”

Rick and Jolene not only overcame, they went further. They learned. They grew. And then they gave to others. Their joy was grounded in the never-changing love of God which fueled their own love, a love that overcame and gave them joy for the journey.

For one last glimpse of the man we are honoring today, you can hear from his own lips and Jolene’s how God has accompanied them throughout their lives and during this difficult battle with ALS to give them joy for the journey. This was taped about a month before God took Rick home.

Video of Rick when he had ALS https://drive.google.com/file/d/1RLXueUn76CB9TFFznnFlT3a0l1H7s3R6/view

 

 

 

 

 

 

“Therefore if you have any encouragement from being united with Christ, if any comfort from his love, if any common sharing in the Spirit, if any tenderness and compassion, then make my joy complete by being like-minded, having the same love, being one in spirit and of one mind. Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit. Rather, in humility value others above yourselves, not looking to your own interests but each of you to the interests of the others” Philippians 2: 1-4

Would you like to leave a comment? How did this story encourage you?

 

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A Rock in Life’s Quakes

By Michael Kmet

By Tina Yeager

With a bit of apprehension I offered my head to the hairstyling apprentice. She needed to practice, so I agreed to become the lab rat of her experiment. Few had seen the procedure and my outcome was difficult to predict. Bowls of gel mixtures littered the small table. Countless paint strokes surrounded me. After an hour, I resembled an alien with head of silver tentacles sprouting hair. A cosmic halo orbited my noggin, projecting heat onto the foils. An anxious flutter stirred in my belly, churning a bit of acid to rise into my throat.

It’s only hair, I told myself. No matter how this turns out, I will be okay.

This year brings a variety of changes for me, all more significant than the balayage venture (which proved less dramatic than I anticipated, by the way). We’ve moved away from the home in which we raised our kids. One son now lives over two hours away, while my youngest begins his doctoral program in another city. At the same time, I grieve the loss of my church family, and my career is undergoing a major transition. I’m not sure how the results will look, but a different world is shaping up around me.

Change shakes up our lives in a myriad of forms. It can often prove refreshing as some novelty brings joy. Hence the constant trend shifts in technology, fashion, and adventurous recreation. New movies rock. Hidden waterfalls delight the soul. Who doesn’t love a fresh outfit?

The transitions we don’t seek will occur, too, however. We age. People leave us. Security blankets blow away in one strong gust of calamity. Expected or not, certain life-upheavals rattle our roots from their comfortable places. From relocation to chronic health issues to grief, uncomfortable transitions stretch across differing levels of life’s Richter scale. They all begin with a similar emotion, as the first thing felt in an unwanted quake is loss. Pain screams to the forefront of human awareness, blocking other details from our perspective.

The amount of time it takes to recover varies with how deeply we’ve been impacted by the shifting circumstances around us. Change can feel like a seismic event, but the painful aftershocks will diminish and the dust of our disorientation will settle after a while. Even before opening  our eyes to survey the land, we know it has changed. We don’t need to look to acknowledge the change has affected us. Life shifted, and things are not as they were.

I cannot move on from a state of loss until I open my eyes and accept the new reality. I must survey the landscape to identify my resources. A strange realization dawns in the moment of clarity after the impact has subsided. Despite the change, all is not lost. My greatest resource remained with me even when I could not see Him.

In the tumult of life in this errant world, God remains steadfast. He never leaves us. His love gushes endlessly over us whether we sense it or not. Often, He brings our sweetest blessings in the times we feel most lost and alone. Regardless of the many transitions and losses we experience, God never changes.

As my maturing sons depart and I work and worship, landscapes transform; these changes occur on the temporary plane of my existence. Even if I lose all I hold dear, the Lord will sustain me with His precious loving presence to the end of mortality. And then, all be restored. Adonai, Whose every work surpasses excellence, revitalizes life with extra gobs of glory lavished on top. Eternity will gather my entire spiritual family to worship and serve together. Ultimately, nothing will be lost forever. I will be better than okay.

  “The Lord himself goes before you and will be with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged” (Deut. 31:6).

What changes are you experiencing today? Try offering a prayer of trust and praise with me. Choose to believe in God’s steadfast nature, despite the shuddering earth. Let’s cling with all our faith to the Rock in the midst of life’s quake.

By Tina Yeager, author of Beautiful Warrior: Finding Victory Over the Lies Formed Against You

Beautiful Warrior: Finding Victory Over the Lies Formed Against You empowers women to break free from the traps of insecurity and sabotaging mindsets. As empowered warriors, women can raise their shields and become the divine heroines they were destined to become. With therapeutic tips, a solid biblical foundation, and empowering questions, women can free themselves from ongoing negative patterns, overcome common obstacles to healthy self-esteem, deepen awareness of Christ-centered identity, and embrace divine esteem.To connect with Tina, visit tinayeager.com.

 

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12 Keys for Marriage Success, Interview with Author Joyce Zook

What does a good marriage look like? For those struggling in broken marriages, that’s a lofty aspiration. But if your marriage is still intact, you may benefit from the advice of author and marriage coach Joyce Zook, who believes she can not only show women what a good marriage looks like, but how to create a wonderful marriage. She tells us more about this in our interview about her award-winning book, 12 Keys for Marriage Success. Although this book is for women, some of you men may glean something from her comments as well.

What inspired you to write 12 Keys for Marriage Success?

I love my life and my marriage, but it has not always been full of pleasant experiences. My loving husband, Aaron, and I have been married for forty years, but my first marriage ended in divorce and abuse. I wrote the book because I wanted to tell other women how they could experience the love we have found.

What guided you in your search for creating a successful marriage?

We got married in a small ceremony at my husband’s family home in Pennsylvania. Over the next two years, we both accepted Jesus Christ as our Lord and Savior, and neither of us desired a repeat of our shameful pasts. Our mentors suggested we study the Bible and reap the benefits from the wellspring of knowledge it encompasses.

When we applied what we learned, we fought less often, and our friendship and devotion for one another grew. Best of all, joy and peace filled our hearts when we implemented the truths we discovered.

How did you come up with 12 Keys to improve marriages?

After speaking for many years on Love that Lasts a Lifetime, I got invited to do a radio interview. They wanted twelve questions they could ask me about creating long-lasting marriages. I chose to give them the main points from my talk and the specific lesson I had learned.

The subtitle of your book is “what a wife can do to create a wonderful marriage.” Tell me how a wife can change her marriage all by herself? Most people think it takes two people to make a marriage work.

Some men join their wives and put forth the effort to improve their marriages and others refuse. Most guys won’t even pick up a self-help book or visit a counselor. Therefore, wives often strive alone to revive their relationships without the assistance of their spouse.

The Lord never stops caring for us and continues to guide and show us how we can have marriages filled with His love. Just as the Lord doesn’t’ give up on us, neither should we end our attempts to rekindle love while any spark of hope still exists.

I encourage women to press on even if it’s by themselves because most marriages get better with their consistent efforts. And best of all, God will help us to repair and restore our marital relationships

What are the 12 Keys for Marriage Success?

  • Key 1: Stick Like Glue ─ Staying married takes commitment
  • Key 2:Think Like a Couple ─ Leave singleness behind and develop your new identity as a couple
  • Key 3 Let God Direct ─Get to know the Creator of marriage the Bible, prayer, and worship
  • Key 4: Give Your Best ─ Give yourself and your husband a gift of a happy, healthy and rested you
  • Key 5: Save Time for Your Husband ─ Rearrange your schedule and find time to spend with the man you married
  • Key 6 : Respect Your Man ─ Affirm your husband’s opinions and preferences. Honor your husband by respecting his ideas, capabilities and worth
  • Key 7: No Nagging ─ Change yourself first, and you set the atmosphere for him to want to alter his actions
  • Key 8: Admire Your Hunk ─ Praise his body, personality, work ethic and he won’t be a tempted to look elsewhere for attention
  • Key 9 : Do It His Way­ Learn to follow his lead as an act of submission to the Lord
  • Key 10 : Talk – Talk – Talk­ Learn the basic techniques to have a good fight and discuss the problems which plague your marriage
  • Key 11 : Date Your Mate ─Spend quality time alone by dating your spouse to keep the fun, and romance alive
  • Key 12: Light the Fire ­ Celebrate your love for each other and learn to get in the mood for those intimate moments

How can we get our men to change their bad habits or other things we don’t like?

As much as we would like to do it, we can’t change our men. Fact is, we can’t make anyone willingly alter their behavior by our words or our willpower. The only person we can force to modify their actions is ourselves, which is extremely hard. But we can set up circumstances which make our husbands want to adapt and adjust their lives for the better.

If we try to fix or force our spouses to perform a task our way, it frequently backfires. It is possible though to amend our own behavior and thereby produce an atmosphere which influences our guys to change their reactions to us.

Can you give me an example of how this works?

Say two people are dancing together on the dance floor when one of them decides they want something to drink and walks away. The other person, now stranded in the middle of the room, has to determine what they will do. They usually do something different, often following their partner to get refreshments.

The same thing happens in our marriages. When one person makes significant changes in their actions and responses, the other person has to decide what they will do next. When our husbands experience our consistent behavior changes, they will usually modify what they do. Consequently, marriages begin to heal.

I love your analogy of the dance. Let’s talk about nagging though. We wives are often guilty of nagging in trying to bring about change. Please tell us why nagging doesn’t work.

Our spouses rarely exchange their behavior for a different type of response due to our nagging or critical comments. If we sound like their mother, most guys tune us out or walk away in anger. Grown men don’t want to be told what to do or be treated as children.

Nagging rarely causes anyone to switch what they do without resentment. But our husbands will show a renewed interest in us as women and wives when they experience our acceptance and admiration for who they are.

Shifting our behavior to act as their girlfriend and lover, not their mom, causes our mates’ reactions to turn for the better. We create an environment which invites them to adjust their conduct because they feel valued. Once they sense our continued support, they begin to express their appreciation and love for us more readily.

One of the 12 Keys you list in your book is “Date Your Mate.” How does dating our husbands help heal a damaged marriage?

We yearn for marriages packed full of passion and romance where we are cherished by our men. To maintain this type of close connection means we have to devote quality time to be with our spouses on a regular basis. Weekly dates protect our friendship with our husband, keep the passion alive and maintain open lines of communication.

What do dates for a married couple look like?

Good dates involve three parts. First, we need time alone with our guys. Then we want to do a fun activity to enjoy each other while chatting and getting reconnected. Finally, dates for husbands and wives include private time to celebrate our love for one another. Sharing the pleasure of making love may happen before the date, after, or the next morning.

What’s the most important thing you want women to take away when they read your book?

Marriages can change for the better. Suppose our guys don’t show any initiative to work on the relationship or don’t agree there’s a problem to fix. We still have the opportunity to completely transform our marriages even if we are the only ones trying to improve it. Our consistent adjustments to our conduct set the stage for our mates to reconsider their responses and actions.

The Lord works through and alongside us as we embrace His truths to build the deep connections we crave with our husbands. We can discover greater happiness and a richer intimacy with our husbands by incorporating the twelve keys for marriage success into our lives.

Where can people find out more about your book 12 Keys for Marriage Success and your other books as well?

Readers can visit www.Joyce@JoyceZook.com for more information about my books, my coaching services, and free resources.

 

 

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When New Life Appears

This is what the Sovereign Lord says to these bones: I will make breath enter you, and you will come to life. Then you will know that I am the Lord. Ezekiel 37:5, 6b

When the city arborist stopped by to tell us they had received a grant to plant new trees in our neighborhood, we were delighted. We would receive two Shumard oaks, hearty ones that would grow tall and had a long life span, unlike our pretty laurel oaks that suffered so much in recent hurricanes.

The city planted the oaks, and someone came by regularly to pour water into the irrigation sacks around their trunks. However, a few weeks later the leaves on one of them started turning brown. Before long all the foliage on the tree appeared dead.

One evening when we went out for a walk, Marv said, “I wonder if they’ll take that tree out and bring us a new one,”

“Maybe we should call the city and let them know it’s dead,” I said. “It apparently never got a strong start.”

Each day we speculated about its prospects but didn’t make any calls, and the tree remained.

One morning Marv announced that a city truck came by and the driver again watered our new tree. We shook our heads and wondered why they were still watering a tree that was clearly dead. A few days later, however, when we stepped outside, we noticed a few green leaves at its base. The city continued watering it, and each evening as we went out to take our walk, we were astonished to see new life appear as green leaves continued to spread from the bottom to the top. In a few weeks, the entire tree was green once more. Our new Shumard oak was alive and growing.

“It’s amazing how that tree has come back to life,” Marv said. “You should use it in one of your stories. It would be a good analogy for marriages.”

When New Life Appears in a Marriage

It was, in fact, a good analogy for what had happened in our own marriage. For although at one time our marriage seemed dead, we gradually saw new life appear.

I remembered an afternoon thirteen years earlier at the beginning of what was to become our painful three-year separation. At this point, Marv and I hadn’t seen each other for two months, and the Christian couple he was staying with urged him to come talk to me. When I saw him at the door, I hoped it would be the beginning of reconciliation, but his downcast face quickly told me otherwise.

He slumped in the burgundy club chair he always sat in when we had our “talks.” I sat on the couch.

“I can’t tell you anything you want to hear,” he said dolefully.

My heart withered. I knew that meant he couldn’t say he loved me. I knew that meant he couldn’t say he wanted to reconcile our marriage. But, being a gentleman, he didn’t want to say the words. He didn’t want to hurt me more than he already had.

But I knew. The absence of words told me the ones left unsaid.

I plied him with questions, but he remained expressionless, and his answer stayed the same. When he left, I ran upstairs and collapsed on the bed, sobbing. I could see he felt our marriage was dead.

But like the Shumard oak, even though our marriage appeared to be dead, unbeknownst to either of us, a flicker of life still lingered.

As the months unfolded, each of us began allowing God to convict us of what we individually needed to do to change the dynamics between us. It took time, patience, and grace. But when we gave God the freedom to make us the new persons He wanted us to be, we began to see new life appear in our relationship. Our love returned, and we eventually reconciled.

A New Foundation of Love

Some time after we got back together, a sweet moment signaled that a new foundation of love had finally been rebuilt between us. I had removed the biscuits from the oven, placed the cookie sheet on the stove top, and begun placing the plump rolls onto the serving dish. The rich aroma of pot roast filled the kitchen. Feeling movement behind me, I turned.

Marv’s eyes sparkled as he looked at me. He leaned down and kissed me. “I love you,” he said warmly.

I wrapped my arms around his neck, and he held me tight. “I’m glad to be spending my life with you,” he said.

My heart danced as I gazed happily into his eyes. “Me too.”

Although the words “I love you” were common between us now, the spontaneous gesture gave them special meaning. No longer did the debris of brokenness dull the luster of our renewed relationship. The past hurts had scattered. The empty hole had filled. Our love was truly reborn. Twenty years and five grandchildren after that heart-wrenching day in our living room, life is as good as I could ever have hoped.

Marv tells the men in our marriage classes every week, “Feelings change. Don’t make your decisions based on feelings because they’re unreliable and they change.”

We are living examples. Marriages that appear to be dead can indeed be reborn. Many times people come to us saying the love in their marriage has died. However, when God is given the freedom to work in each of their lives, He can open their hearts to one another so green leaves of new life can begin to sprout.

When new life appears in a marriage it is a testimony to the promise of new life God gives to us both through nature and His Word. His power to bring life from death rocked the world 2,000 years ago and continues to rock the world today.

Share your heart. How can God make things new in your life?

© Linda Rooks 2019

Fighting for Your Marriage while Separated available on Amazon and other online retailers

Listen to Marv and Linda’s story in a three-part series on Family Life Today as they both share from the heart about their separation and restoration.

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Hidden Things of the Heart

Search me, O God, and know my heart; test me and know my thoughts.  See if there is any wicked way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting.  Psalm 139:23-224

After a couple of hard freezes one winter, the sun was finally shining. I stepped outside to see that the bed of impatiens in our front yard had disappeared, apparently killed by the frost. In their place was a variety of weeds that had been growing, hidden beneath the cover of flowers. Before today I’d been unaware of them, but now that the awning of red, white, and pink blooms had died away, the weeds were all too noticeable. The flowers had vanished, but the weeds had survived.

As spring approached, other weeds shot up too, lone innocuous ones—tall, thin and lacy, but hardly noticeable among the other plantings.  Because the more virulent and intrusive vines and runaway fern posed a more difficult challenge, I went after them, and ignored these delicate weeds, leaving them for later.  Eventually, they grew taller and multiplied all over the yard.  Realizing I had an escalating problem, I began yanking them from the ground, but as I jerked the stems, little seeds flew off and scattered everywhere.

The Deception of Innocuous Weeds

These weeds reminded me of some hidden things in the heart we might not want to think about. Jeremiah 17:9-10 tells us “The heart is deceitful above all things and beyond cure. Who can understand it?” Unrecognized sin may lie in wait like the weeds hidden beneath my impatiens, unnoticed and seemingly innocuous. Negative effects of this sin may not surface for years as these hidden things of the heart fester and sprout beneath the cover of a pleasant personality.

Often these are not egregious seeming sins—the blatant sins we categorize as illegal, immoral, or cruel.  Some begin as a white lie, a puff of pride, a bitter reaction, a selfish thought, or a harsh word.  Inconspicuous sins like these can lurk beneath our false facade and seem innocuous like the delicate Florida Queen Anne’s lace that spawned throughout my flower beds.  When we hold them up beside the more intrusive, neon flashing sins of our neighbor, our co-worker, our parent or our mate, they seem to pale in comparison.  We shrug them off as merely a sign of being human.  We’re not expected to be perfect after all.

The time comes, however, when we find ourselves wrestling in our own willfulness – a constant veering off course to do things our own way instead of God’s. When we finally become aware of the severity of our sin, its persistence may have already caused havoc in our character, circumstances, or relationships. We cringe at the seeds of ugliness these hidden things of the heart have spawned.

This happened to me. When crisis stripped away the security and comfort in my life, the conviction of sin poked its ugly head through the frozen petals of my smiling exterior and hacked into my consciousness. There I saw the straggly vine of self-righteousness and pride and realized the hurtful consequences.

Recognizing the Hidden Things of the Heart

How do we recognize these hidden things of the heart since we are often blind to what is hidden so deep within our personalities? Psalm 19:12-14 says, “Who can discern his errors? Forgive my hidden faults. Keep your servant also from willful sins; may they not rule over me.

If we are truly sincere about wanting to address the weeds and blemishes in our character, the first thing we need is a teachable spirit. Instead of being defensive, we must open ourselves to hearing the truth even if it hurts—even to the point of asking those close to us if they see flaws we should address.  Most of all, it’s important that we pray and spend time in God’s Word, asking God to show us the hidden things in our hearts and changes He wants to make in us.

If we humbly search our hearts and honestly look at our actions, what will we find? Are we envious? Or covetous of another’s success?  Do we use witty remarks that reek of sarcasm and may unwittingly drive a knife into another’s self-esteem? Do we harbor unforgiveness, which starts out as a little grudge, but takes root as a bitter cancer to our soul?  Do we feel self-righteous in the face of another’s weakness? Do we glory in the pride of our accomplishments that are actually gifts from God?  Do we convince ourselves that a crafty manipulation of money or goods isn’t stealing—although it is?  Are we caught up in the flirtatious verbal tinkering with another person’s reputation that scripture condemns as gossip?  Or deep within our hearts are we guilty of the shortcoming shared by us all—the tug of selfishness that pulls us back into ourselves and keeps us imprisoned in a mind alien to God?

When Nathan confronted David about his sexual sin, David did not hesitate to admit his culpability. With a humble and teachable spirit, David immediately repented and accepted the punishment the Lord had for him.

“Against you, you only, have I sinned and done what is evil in your sight, so that you are proved right when you speak and justified when you judge.” David cried out in Psalm 51: 4, 7 & 8.  “Cleanse me with hyssop, and I will be clean; wash me, and I will be whiter than snow.  Hide your face from my sins and blot out all my iniquity.”

When we walk with God, we don’t have to fear condemnation. He knows our weaknesses. He will gently reveal to us the dark spots in our character and the hidden things of the heart.  When we honestly acknowledge the weeds that hover menacingly within our lives and seek God’s forgiveness, He will lead us in the way everlasting.

 Examine yourselves to see whether you are in the faith; test yourselves. (2 Corinthians 13:5)

©Linda Rooks 2019

Fighting for Your Marriage while Separated now available on Amazon and all your favorite online retailers.

 

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