Reconciliation Archives - Page 3 of 5 - Heart Talk with Linda Rooks

Marriage 911 – Interview with Founders, Joe and Michelle Williams

January 8, 2020 by Linda Rooks 1 Comment

Where do you find help when your marriage is in crisis? Who do you turn to?

Many of you reading this blog know that my husband Marv and I have been leading a Marriage 911 class in our church for many years and have seen many, many marriages healed and restored. But you may not know the couple behind Marriage 911 who God has used in a powerful way to create this amazing program. So let me introduce you to Joe and Michelle Williams so you can hear their story of how this ministry helps marriages and how it unfolded in such a unique and effective way to bring about reconciliation for so many couples.

Linda: Michelle, tell us what lead you to start Marriage 911 God’s Way? When and how did it start?

Michelle: Joe and I were separated for two years in the late 1980’s. When we finally reconciled we discovered that the couples in our large evangelical church, who were secretly struggling in their marriages, felt comfortable reaching out to us. They wanted help.

For instance, one of the women on staff admitted to me one day that she felt her marriage was in crisis but she was afraid that if she told anyone, her job might be in jeopardy. This led me to ask if she wanted to meet on her lunch hour and I would take her through a workbook that we were putting together for marriages in crisis. She agreed, and this setting resulted in the support partner aspect of our ministry.

Linda: That’s awesome. So you began to meet with some women. Did you get the husbands involved also?

Joe: I knew a few guys in our church who thought they had to pretend all was well at home or their wife would be upset with them. When I started having coffee with them one-on-one they really opened up. Once Michelle and I talked more about it, we decided that maybe separating the men and women into small discussion groups in a classroom setting might be the answer. When we discussed this with one of our pastors, it led to us being asked to help start a reconciliation ministry, which we called “Reconciling God’s Way—now called Marriage 911 God’s Way”.

Linda: How did you go about putting the course together?

Joe: We continued to meet privately and also in small group settings (separating the men and women) and being very strategic in sticking to questions which helped them do three things over a 12-week period:

Change their focus from their spouse and start working on a deeper relationship with God, and also self-nurturing in order to take the pressure off their spouse meeting all their needs.
Work on issues such as anger, honesty, and fear-based relationships by implementing biblical principles and practicing tools to help them make lasting changes—regardless of their spouse’s behavior
Put a plan together as to how to move forward after the 12 weeks were over. Serving in a ministry alone or with their spouse, or taking additional classes or getting more counseling.

Linda: So you started the class in your church. But how did it end up being duplicated in other churches?

Michelle: When a national syndicated columnist, Mike McManus, visited our church in 1997, to celebrate the 10 year anniversary of signing the first national marriage covenant in our hometown of Modesto, California, he loved what we had created to help crisis marriages. He invited us to speak at a Smart Marriage Conference in Washington, DC, in 1997, and our local ministry became national almost overnight. Over 100 pastors approached us that weekend and asked how to start their own ministry. This led to us creating a more detailed leader’s kit, helping churches to do their own Reconciling God’s Way ministry for people in a crisis marriage.

Linda: Many of our ministries began because of problems we have experienced ourselves. I know this is true of you as well. Can you tell us a little about that?

Michelle: When we were asked to speak at that conference in Washington, D.C. in 1997, we gave our testimony as to how in our own marriage crisis the pastors and people on staff seemed to either ignore our pleas for help, or act as if they didn’t care. Later, after we reconciled, we realized that their behavior was only a result of them not knowing what to do.

The main problem we had in our own marriage was that our focus was always on each other instead of the Lord. We tried to control, fix, correct, and micro-manage each other. We had unrealistic expectations, and our happiness was dependent on the behavior of each of us, rather than God. These expectations led to our placing too much demands on others to “fix” our marriage. We tried to attend marriage seminars but this only made things worse since the speaker would send us home to do exercises as a couple and we were never able to stop arguing long enough to get anything accomplished.

Once we were separated, but not necessarily seeking a divorce, each of us was left to work on the marriage without the help or expectation of the other. This alone time is what God used in our lives to create the 27 tools that eventually ended up being in our workbook. Each tool is used individually, and does not depend on couples in order to accomplish change in the marriage.

Linda: That seems like a revolutionary idea! And in my own experience in working with Marriage 911 I’ve seen what a powerful approach that is. So tell us what is the purpose of Marriage 911 God’s Way ministry?

Michelle: Once we started seeing couples reconciling who seemed as hopeless as we had been, our hearts began to move more to expanding the ministry to even more churches so that more marriages could be saved. While not all marriages are saved, the purpose of the 12-week class and workbook is to provide tools and support to the person who wants to work on the marriage but feels hopeless.

During the 12 weeks, each spouse will learn ways to deal with Focus, Heart Attitude, and Hope, God’s Way—even if their spouse is unwilling to do their part. The support partner aspect of the ministry provides additional prayer and accountability. Many of the churches who have our ministry in place just keep the workbook and support partner book on hand at all times so that if someone calls for help, they can get started immediately rather than waiting for a class or small group to start. The person just gets a support partner, or the church has ready mentors/support partners available to help one on one.

Joe: It’s pretty bad when a guy contacts me to say that his church doesn’t have anything at all in place for crisis marriages. I tell the guy to get the workbook and ask another man to be his support partner and get started. Then I let him know that once he has come through his own crisis, he can be the one to help another guy. One time a guy called me back and said, “ I just wanted to let you know that I asked an older gentleman to be my support partner, and he answered back, ‘I’ve been attending this church for 15 years and you’re the first person to ask me to do anything! Yes, I will!’”

Michelle: Another purpose of our ministry is to give those who might have felt unworthy due to divorce or marriage problems a place to serve. God uses people who have been broken in certain areas to help others who need someone that can relate. Our ministry is much like AA or Celebrate Recovery in the sense that once a person comes through their own crisis, they need a place to give back.

Linda: How is Marriage 911 different from other marriage ministries?

This ministry and all of the resources are not dependent on whether or not both spouses want to participate. It is not a couple’s ministry. Men support men, and women support women, and each willing spouse learns to depend on God rather than their spouse for their happiness.

While there are plenty of marriage ministries across the U.S. and other countries, there are few that have a system in place to quickly provide what a couple or person in crisis needs. That’s why the marriage workbook is titled “Marriage 911: First Response”. Can you imagine dialing 911 in an emergency and having the person on the other line say, “I’m sorry, everyone is busy until spring?” We have created a way for an emergency marriage crisis to get the help they need immediately. All they have to do is order a workbook, support book, and watch our online videos and they can get the help they need while waiting for counseling or a class if that is needed.

Linda: What kinds of results have you seen? Can you share any stories about this?

Michelle: For people who go through the whole 12 weeks (even without their spouse), the results of their relationship with God being stronger, and having peace in their hearts is 100% better. While we get to hear success stories of saved marriages from many people, this ministry does not focus on saving the marriage as much as it focuses on each person growing in their relationship with God and with all people, including their spouse.

The best success stories are of those who not only reconcile their marriage, but also go on to help others. Recently we heard from one of our leaders in Washington State who shared this: “I had a phone call from a lady who went through our Marriage 911 class, and they have stayed together and are doing well. Not only that, but her husband decided he wants them to start their own Marriage 911 ministry! She calls me every few months just to check in and get some words of encouragement. Being her support partner has allowed me to experience God in a special way!”

Linda: Why should a church offer Marriage 911 to their congregation?

Michelle: We hear from men and women from all over the world who are looking for help in their local church for their crisis marriage. Most churches offer classes for engaged couples, seminars and retreats to build a healthier marriage, and divorce-recovery classes once a marriage ends…but few offer help and support for separated or crisis couples. That is the focus of what Marriage 911 provides.

Linda: What states/cities presently have a Marriage 911 class?

Joe: We presently have over 50 churches across the nation who offer the ministry. The cities that have the most active ministries are those in which the senior pastor promotes it from the pulpit or believes so strongly in it that he or she personally refers people. Some of the cities are: Branson, MO, Orlando, Fl, Tampa, Fl, Stockton, CA, Turlock, CA, Calgary, Canada, Mesa, Arizona, and several churches in Tennessee, and other cities in Florida.

Michelle: As we mentioned already, however, there are many churches who do not advertise or offer classes, but either send people to our website for help, or keep a few copies of the Marriage 911: First Response workbook and support partner handbook on their shelves or front desk so that when someone reaches out to their church for help, they have something ready.

My heart breaks when I think of that person sitting alone in their home, searching the Internet for help because their own church either doesn’t want to bother with a crisis marriage or just doesn’t know what to do and doesn’t take the time to ask for help. There should be a crisis marriage ministry in every city! Of course, we think Marriage 911 God’s Way is the easiest and least expensive way to offer it, but they at least need to offer something!

Joe: Once a church gets our leader’s kit (which costs less than one counseling appointment) they can get the workbooks in bulk at a 30% discount on our website, rather than going to Amazon…or they can send people directly to Amazon themselves and not have to spend a dime. Most couples don’t mind investing in a book that can be used over and over, and then used to help someone else as well! There’s no reason for people to feel alone and abandoned when they have a crisis marriage. The help is here.

Linda: If someone wants to start a Marriage 911 program in their church, how should they go about it?

Michelle: It’s easy to start a ministry. Just visit the website: Marriage911Godsway.com, and order a leader’s kit. We have a step-by-step plan in the leader’s guide, which explains how to start a small group or class, or use the resources one-on-one. The weekly videos on our website can be used in a small group or class, or the person can do it on their own. We have made it easy because we know that people need quick, easy access when they reach out to a church. We used to travel to churches to help them set up a ministry, but now that we have everything online, its so simple that we don’t need to do that anymore. This saves the church and our ministry time and money, and is much quicker for everyone.

Linda: If someone wants to attend, but there isn’t a Marriage 911 class nearby, is there an alternative?

Joe: We offer trained national support partners and online videos once a person orders any of our workbooks or book.

Linda: Where can people get more information about your ministry?

Michelle: For more information about how we started the ministry, and an overview of the contents of the Marriage 911: First Response workbook and other resources, they should visit our website at Marriage 911godsway.com. If they click the “weekly videos” link, they can hear more of our testimony and the testimony of others.

Watch this video where Joe and Michelle tell more about Marriage 911 at “Introduction and Overview of Section One: Where’s Your Focus?” at https://marriage911godsway.com/videos/

For those of you who live in Central Florida, my husband Marv and I will be starting a new Marriage 911 class on January 29. To learn more about the class and see how to sign up, visit https://lindarooks.com/speaking/

Filed Under: Conflict, Divorce, Interviews, Marital separation, marriage, Marriage problems, marriage resources, men & women, Reconciliation, Uncategorized Tagged With: divorce, marital reconciliation, marital separation, Marriage, marriage in crisis, Marriage resources, troubled marriage

How God Transformed Our Failing Marriage

November 20, 2019 by Linda Rooks Leave a Comment

Guest Post by Jennifer Slattery

Photo by Frank McKenna

Back when my husband proposed to me, I didn’t think about how hard marriage would be. Honestly I didn’t think at all. I was swept up in the romance as this sweet man knelt before me, rose in hand, promising to love me for the rest of his life. Actually I’m not sure he even said that. If my memory is correct, he asked, “Do you want to marry me,” and I said yes. We didn’t talk about commitment, the strain of merging two very diverse lives, or any of the other problems we came to face after.

I was young, naïve, and had no idea the work, humility, and the growth it would require to join two lives. I also didn’t realize how completely ill-equipped and ill-prepared I was. I discovered very quickly through a nearly failed marriage that I couldn’t love my husband well in my own wisdom and strength. Half the time, I didn’t even have the gumption to try. I was too focused on myself, too filled with pride and insecurity, to create the type of relationship I longed for.

Although I tried. I followed plans and read books and cajoled and pestered and begged. And prayed, oh, I did a lot of praying—that God would change my husband. Because, you see, I was convinced our mess was entirely his fault. If only he weren’t so selfish or prideful or distracted, if only he spent more time at home, or talked more. . . . I had quite a list, one I perpetually reviewed but we never seemed to progress toward resolving.

Eventually, in fact, before my daughter‘s fourth birthday, my husband and I found ourselves sitting in a divorce lawyers office, ready to end it all. Neither one of us wanted to be there, but we hadn’t a clue how to unravel the tangle of hurt and distrust we’d created in our now failing marriage.

That evening, I left frustrated with myself, with the the state of our failing marriage, with the prospect of a shattered family, and angry with God. I knew divorce wasn’t His will. Therefore, I determined He wanted me to remain miserable for the rest of my life.

A few nights later, while my husband worked the graveyard shift and my daughter lay upstairs sleeping, I sat in a dark, silent living room, feeling completely alone. Not just alone, but trapped in my loneliness. “God, I give up,” I said. “I can’t do this anymore.”

Though at the time my words were more flippant than heartfelt, God answered, and He began to turn things around. He helped me connect with some strong Christian women—and disconnect from some perpetually unhappy ones who soured the way I viewed my life. But even more importantly, He drew me closer to Himself and shifted my focus off my husband and my failing marriage and onto Christ and myself.

First, He zeroed my gaze on my Savior. He reminded me of the depth of His love and care, of what He’d endured for me. In this, He helped me understand I was to love my husband, first and foremost, out of love for Him. On particularly tense days, when our arguments seemed to outnumber our smiles, I may not have felt my husband deserved anything from me, but Christ deserved my all, my full surrender.

Second, He showed me all the transformational work He longed to do within me. As I sat there in His presence, my heart laid bear before Him, He spoke tenderly to my soul—words of wisdom and insight, and often, conviction. In the light of His grace, as I began to set all my finger pointing aside, clarity came. I realized, yes, my husband had room to grow, but so did I.

God wanted me to focus on growing into the wife and mother He created me to be, entrusting my husband to Him.

And so I did. Surrendering my hurt, my wisdom, and my husband to my Father wasn’t easy, but it was freeing. And healing. Healing for me and our marriage. The more I released my grip, it seemed, the more of God’s power was unleashed within me.

The power to hold my tongue when angry words fought to come out.

The power to see good when everything around me felt hard.

The power to forgive when seeds of bitterness tried to grow.

The power to trust.

The power to love.

The power to hope.

That was over twenty years ago, and God has done amazing things within each of our hearts. I can honestly say, we’re closer than we’ve ever been. Those arguments that used to occur daily are now rare, and they are much shorter lived. The hurt? Gone. And in its place, love—enduring, inconquerable, love. Not because we said or did the right thing or figured this whole relationship dance out, but rather because we surrendered to the One who had. The One who formed us, who loved us, and fought for us.

Can you identify with Jennifer? If you feel you have a failing marriage, what steps do you feel God wants you to take next?

Jennifer Slattery is a writer and international speaker with a passion for helping women discover, embrace, and live out who they are in Christ. As the founder of Wholly Love Ministries, she and her team partner with churches to facilitate events designed to help women rest in their true worth and live with maximum impact. She maintains a devotional blog found at Jennifer Slattery Lives Out Loud and on Crosswalk. Connect with her on Facebook, Instagram, and Twitter. When not writing, reading, or editing, Jennifer loves going on mall dates with her adult daughter and coffee dates with her hilariously fun husband. Contact her HERE to book her for your next women’s event.

Hometown Healing:by Jennifer Slattery – She’s home again, but not for long…
Unless this cowboy recaptures her heart

If you have a failing marriage, find hope and help in my new book, Fighting for Your Marriage while Separated, A Practical Guide for the Brokenhearted. by Linda W. Rooks.

Filed Under: disappointment, Expectations, Letting go, Love, marriage, Marriage problems, New Directions, Reconciliation, Surrendering to God, Uncategorized Tagged With: Feeling lost, hope, Love, marital reconciliation, Marriage, marriage in crisis, seeking answers, troubled marriage, what to do

16 Marriage Resources to Help Hurting Marriages

November 14, 2019 by Linda Rooks Leave a Comment

Photo by Amanda SixSmith

Years ago when my marriage began to fall apart, I felt lost. I didn’t know where to turn for help. It was an uncharted path for me as I know it is for many of you.

I went to Christian bookstores looking for books to provide guidance. I made an appointment with a pastor at church. I listened to Christian radio a little more attentively than usual. I was desperate for answers. But I found few resources that could really help.

Now that I’ve traversed this difficult road, found healing in my own marriage, and become involved in ministry to help heal hurting marriages, I have happily found resources that can help hurting marriages in crisis. Conferences, retreats, courses, intensives, books and Internet sites are available to those looking for help. Below are sixteen resources available to help in the healing of hurting marriages.

Programs You Can Attend that Help Hurting Marriages

A good marriage program can offer a big dose of healing in a relatively short period of time. Many marriages have turned around, found healing, and become reconciled because of the following programs. The first three programs listed below are peer-lead by people who have experienced and overcome crisis in their own marriages.

Marriage 911 is a twelve or thirteen week international program founded in Modesto, California in 1990 by Joe and Michelle Williams, now helping hurting marriages in over sixty cities throughout the U.S., as well as Canada, Australia and the Virgin Islands. Unlike what is common in other marriage programs, Marriage 911 can bring healing to a marriage even when only one spouse attends. Because men and women participate separately, each spouse learns to focus on God and what God is personally telling them to do to become healthy individuals and have a healthy marriage. Many families are together today because of the commitment of just one spouse’s participation. My husband and I have personally been leading this class in our Central Florida community for 14 years, and have seen many marriages healed. Because of this program, countless numbers of couples around the country have survived crisis in their marriages to experience the joy of renewal and wholeness in their families. For more information: https://marriage911godsway.com/

Retrouvaille (French for rediscovery) is an international program that begins with a weekend retreat where couples learn communication tools that help them connect at a heart level. It’s a transformative weekend for couples whose marriages are in crisis and can completely bring renewal to a marriage regardless of how broken it is when you attend. My husband and I personally experienced this transformation when our marriage was in the first stages of recovery from our three-year separation. We were still separated but finally decided we wanted help to put our marriage back together. Retrouvaille enabled us to do that. Retrouvaille is usually sponsored through the Catholic Church and can be found throughout the United States as well as other countries around the world. You can see more at: https://www.helpourmarriage.org/

The Marriage Helper Workshop Retreat considers itself to be the emergency room for marriages in trouble. It is a twenty-year-old program that boasts a 77% success rate after having helped thousands of couples. During the three-day workshop, leaders help couples tackle real-life situations, addressing principles that people identify with, whether or not one or both of them actually want to save the marriage. The workshop offers hands-on help by those who have experienced and overcome a crisis in their own marriage to rescue relationships and help couples grow deeper in intimacy and passion. No one is judged for what lead to the marriage crisis. The workshop takes place in Nashville, Tennessee. For more information: https://marriagehelper.com/

Getting The Love You Want Workshop for Couples –This workshop based on Imago Relationship Therapy developed by Harville Hendrix, Ph.D and Helen LaKelly Hunt, Ph.D, teaches that relationship power-struggles are an opportunity for healing and growth and can establish a deeper connection between partners. In this workshop, certified therapists and facilitators help couples break destructive patterns of communication, find emotional healing, and learn new conflict resolution strategies. Through Imago, couples can develop increased compassion and understanding of one another and renew the passion and pleasure in the relationship. Imago workshops can be found across the country. https://imagorelationshipswork.com/find-a-professional/workshops

Marriage Intensives Specifically Designed to Help Hurting Marriages

A marriage intensive involves either a weekend or several days of intense professional marriage counseling with a small group of couples and can be extremely effective in helping a couple identify and resolve core issues hurting their marriage. The following ones are highly recommended.

A marriage intensive through Focus on the Family’s Hope Restored program offers help from trained professional counselors in a picturesque retreat center in one of three locations, including Missouri, Michigan, and Georgia. http://hoperestored.com.
Hope and Healing intensives are for those recovering from adultery in their marriage. Mona and Gary Shriver, authors of Unfaithful, lead the intensives, which usually take place in Northern California. https://www.hopeandhealing.us/

Books for Hurting Marriages – In Depth Help You Can Review Again and Again

The good thing about a book is that you can keep it with you and read it again and again. You can underline your favorite parts, share it with your spouse or others, and use it as a launch pad for discussion.

Broken Heart on Hold, Surviving Separation by Linda W. Rooks, brings emotional and spiritual healing to breaking hearts so readers can focus on the next step and make wise decisions. My own story of my husband’s and my three-year separation is woven through the short chapters to heal their emotional pain, lift the reader up to God and give them hope for their future.
Award winning Fighting for Your Marriage while Separated, A Practical Guide for the Brokenhearted, by Linda W. Rooks, walks with the separated person step-by-step from the first day of a break-up to eventual healing, guiding them toward reconciliation, but preparing them with God’s undergirding love for whatever the outcome. Practical insights, breakthrough strategies, biblical wisdom, and real life stories provide a roadmap through the confusion of a separation.
Yes, Your Marriage Can Be Saved: 12 Truths for Rescuing Your Marriage by Joe and Michelle Williams is written by the creators of the Marriage 911 God’s Way ministry. Against the backdrop of their own separation and reconciliation stories, the book shares numerous insights that help those in troubled marriages look at themselves personally in the context of their marriage and recognize where change needs to happen. An invaluable resource for helping individuals and couples through the tough times in marriage.
Marriage Off Course: Trusting God in the Desert of Unwanted Separation or Divorce by Clint and Penny Bragg uses the poetry of a desert analogy to offer biblical guidance and practical tools to strengthen the faith of those languishing in the desert of separation or divorce. The Braggs also provide an insightful perspective into the mind of a prodigal spouse and the husband she left behind. Their own experience of an eleven-year divorce that resulted in reconciliation, plus many stories from others, brings welcome encouragement while walking with the reader on a path toward healing.
The DNA of Relationships for Couples by Greg Smalley and Robert S. Paul uses a fictionalized account of an actual marriage intensive to unravel a variety of untenable marital situations and unveil simple principles of hope and healing. Written like a novel, the book puts you in the heads of four couples at a four-day marriage intensive headed for divorce. As they wrestle with their problems day and night, counselors reveal insights that are gradually able to untie the messy knots of their relationships.
I Do Again: How We Found a Second chance at our Marriage–and You Can Too, by Cheryl and Jeff Scruggs, reveals the hidden secrets that can slowly destroy a marriage and the spiritual awakening that can open the way to healing. Written like a romance novel, I Do Again is a riveting story about the marriage, divorce, and remarriage of Cheryl and Jeff Scruggs. The book offers renewed hope for even the most troubled marriages and reveals why the rewards of restoration are well worth the wait.
Unfaithful by Gary and Mona Shriver is a must-read for any couple dealing with the aftermath of unfaithfulness in their marriage. The Shrivers, who experienced unfaithfulness in their own relationship, walk the road of recovery with readers as they take turns sharing their story of healing and the necessary steps that brought them back together. The wisdom and recommended tools are invaluable for a couple recovering from an affair.

Help on the Internet for Hurting Marriages

The Internet offers opportunities for regular encouragement and community with others in similar situations. Hope and help are only a click away and always available.

Heart Talk – Finding Hope in Unexpected Places – This is my blog for those who need weekly encouragement to help them walk through a difficult time in life or find hope for their marriage. http://lindarooks.com
Spiritually Unequal Marriage – A community of hope and encouragement offering a variety of resources for those married to unbelievers http://.spirituallyunequalmarriage.com
Marriage Builders – Valuable marriage advice from Dr. Willard F. Harley on a variety of subjects through Articles, Q & A Columns, Discussion forums, radio shows and more. https://www.marriagebuilders.com/

If your marriage is hurting, there is help even if your spouse is unwilling to try. Decide today where you plan to start. Hope is just around the corner.

Fighting for Your Marriage while Separated offers practical guidance through a separation.

Filed Under: BOOKS, Divorce, Hope, Marital separation, marriage, Marriage problems, marriage resources, Reconciliation, Uncategorized Tagged With: books for marriage, hope, marital reconciliation, marital separation, Marriage, marriage in crisis, Marriage resources, troubled marriage

Marriage Off Course, Interview with Authors Clint and Penny Bragg

November 6, 2019 by Linda Rooks Leave a Comment

A marital separation can take a person down many different roads. The confusion and complexities often keep a separated spouse continually off balance and uncertain about what path to take or decision to make. It’s almost always a desert experience. Many of you have probably read my two books, Fighting for Your Marriage while Separated and Broken Heart on Hold, but I want to introduce you to the authors of another book on separation that might offer new perspectives to help you on this difficult and unwanted journey.

Clint and Penny Bragg know about separation, but they also know about divorce. They were divorced for eleven years before they rediscovered each other and remarried. Knowing both the pain of divorce and the joy of a reconciled marriage, their new book, Marriage Off Course, Trusting God in the Desert of Unwanted Separation or Divorce, walks with readers through the desert of both separation and divorce to strengthen their faith and help them heal. The Braggs also provide insightful perspective into the mind of a prodigal wife and the husband who is left behind. For those of you men who want a book from the perspective of a husband whose wife has left, the Bragg’s book offers, among other things, a compassionate friend who understands what a man is going through when his wife has left.

Linda: Why did you write your latest book, Marriage Off Course: Trusting God in the Desert of Separation and Divorce?

Penny and Clint: The sorrow and grief of a broken marriage is a pain like no other. We know. We’ve been there. In the summer of 1991, our marriage blew into a billion tiny pieces. Yes, we were Christians. Yes, we were involved in a church. We even served in leadership positions. Still, we did not understand how to cultivate a Christ-based marriage, how to communicate, how to honor each other’s differences, and many other important aspects of having a healthy marriage. Little by little, a distance began forming between us emotionally, spiritually, and physically. We tried counseling and meeting with our pastor. Nothing helped. Reconciliation seemed impossible. One balmy July evening, I (Penny) packed a few things in a suitcase, walked out our front door, and never looked back.

All hopes for a saved marriage were dashed. We divorced. Many years would pass.

Enter God. In a manner that can only be described as a modern-day miracle, after no contact for over a decade, God orchestrated our reconnection. Soon after, He reconciled our marriage. After we remarried and began seeking God together and putting Christ as the head of our marriage in every area, we knew that someday, we would reach out to those who were suffering the pain of a broken marriage. Marriage Off Course is our way of coming alongside others who are in need of hope, offering tangible ways to thrive in the desert season of a dying marriage. There is hope! There is help!

Linda: Tell me, Clint, when you and Penny separated and eventually divorced, what did you do to initially survive the heartbreak and hopelessness? What mistakes did you make?

Clint: Actually, I didn’t handle things well at all. At that time, there were no resources or other people I could talk to who understood what I was feeling. I also made several attempts to contact Penny even after she told me to stay away. I showed up at her apartment unannounced, as well as her workplace. In these ways, I was trying to “help” God by convincing Penny to come back. When all my attempts backfired, I slowly inched away from my relationship with God. Big mistake. That’s another reason we wrote Marriage Off Course: it contains very tangible do’s and don’ts. I hope that I can help others not to make the mistakes I made.

Bottom line: I turned my back on the only One who could heal my heart. To be honest, I was angry at God for not bringing Penny home, but I was afraid to admit that. As a result, my life continued to unravel for many years until I confessed my feelings of anger, asked God for forgiveness, and began seeking Him in every area of my life: spiritual, relationships, finances, health, home, profession, and my life dreams.

Looking back on it all now, I wish I would have focused on becoming more whole in Christ, instead of pulling away from Him. In chapter 7 of the book, we include several “timeline” exercises that will help you focus on using this time of brokenness in your marriage as the catalyst for becoming more whole. Perhaps that is part of God’s desire for you in all this.

Linda: I’m glad you mentioned that chapter, Clint. It is one of my favorite parts of your book. It provides a great way to chart out the ups and downs in our lives so we can find healing from the past that we’re carrying into our present. But let me switch to your perspective, Penny, as the one who left the marriage. What would you say to those who are hoping their prodigal wife or husband will return?

Penny: Your spouse may act like everything is fine and they are moving along with their happy life, but deep down he/she knows that God is NOT in favor of their choice to walk away from the marriage. Don’t give up praying for him or her. In the book, we offer an entire chapter on various ways to use prayer as the power tool it was meant to be. More than a fight for your marriage, this is a fight for your own faith. Do you believe He is able to…?

It’s also important to remember that as you wait for your prayers to be answered, you are waiting on God, not your spouse or your circumstances. What you do with the “wait time” is essential to your spiritual and emotional survival. In chapters 3 and 6 of Marriage Off Course, we offer some very tangible ideas to help you grow closer to God as you wait on Him. As hard as it is to say, circumstances often get even more bleak during a separation before they get better. All the more reason to deepen your relationship with God. Knowing this now can help you faithfully endure the duration of the journey.

Linda: Some people in an unwanted separation or divorce find that as time passes, the people in their support system seem to burn out and give up. They know they can’t do this alone, but don’t know what to do. Do you have suggestions for them?

Clint and Penny: Over the years we have been helping spouses in crisis, we have heard this same heart-cry. That’s also one of the reasons we wrote this book to be a source of spiritual companionship. Receiving prayer from marriage advocates is critical, but sometimes scarce. Therefore, at the end of each chapter you will find a QR code to scan with your Smartphone or tablet and listen to a recorded prayer from us.

As seasons come and go, your support system may have to change. God doesn’t change, but people do. Stay involved and in fellowship with other believers. You may find that doing so provides you with new friends and prayer partners. Also, be willing to try new things, i.e. Christian workshops, classes, retreats, and worship gatherings. When prayer is offered at these types of events, take full advantage of the opportunity to receive it. Don’t isolate in your pain. Force yourself to stay connected in healthy life-giving relationships.

Linda: Throughout the book, you share bits and pieces of your story, but you also include the stories of others. Some of their marriages were reconciled, others were not. Why did you include both?

Penny and Clint: You aren’t the first person to ask us about that. When we were conducting interviews for the book, one divorced spouse asked us, “Why do you want to include my story? My marriage wasn’t saved.”

Every marriage can be reconciled, but not every marriage is reconciled. That’s a hard statement to make. But God is concerned with every individual heart of His children. You matter to God. Whatever the outcome, your story matters. Every detail in your story is held close to His heart. Your worth is not measured by the success of your marriage, or a lack thereof.

Linda: “You are known as “marriage missionaries.” Would you explain what that means, what you do, and where you go as missionaries?”

Clint and Penny: We have been serving as “marriage missionaries” since 2006. Each year, we embark on a number of mission trips across the United States. Basically, we load all our teaching materials and books in our van and drive to any church that invites us. During those trips, we also meet with spouses and couples in crisis who are on our route. We share our testimony of reconciliation, pray with spouses in need, teach workshops, and train marriage ministry teams and pastors. We’ve traveled overseas to several countries as well. As marriage missionaries, we raise all our own support so that there is no financial burden on churches or families.

Linda: “How can people find out more about your books and ministry or contact you if they want you to come to their area of the country?”

Penny and Clint: We LOVE being asked that question! We can be reached through our Inverse Ministries website at www.InverseMinistries.org. You can also access more information about our three marriage books, Marriage on the Mend, Your Marriage, God’s Mission, and Marriage Off Course on our website as well. We also offer a variety of free resources for spouses in crisis. Just email us at reconcile@inverseministries.org

If you’re going through a separation or divorce and wanting to reconcile your marriage, please feel free to ask Clint or Penny a question.

Filed Under: BOOKS, Divorce, faith, Hope, Interviews, Marital separation, Marriage problems, marriage resources, mistakes, New Directions, Pain, Prayer, Reconciliation, Trusting God, Uncategorized Tagged With: books for marriage, divorce, faith, hope, marital reconciliation, marital separation, marriage in crisis, prayer, troubled marriage

Marriage Resources that Can Enhance Your Marriage

October 31, 2019 by Linda Rooks Leave a Comment

Photo by Jenny Marvin

Marriages that thrive are marriages that don’t settle for okay, but continually try to make their marriages stronger and more loving. If you have survived a serious challenge to your marriage, if you are newly married, or if your marriage has happily continued on a positive track, make a serious effort to nurture your marriage.

At least once a year try to attend a marriage conference or retreat or take a marriage course at a local church to strengthen communication and rekindle your love for one another. Or sit down and read a book together that can enrich your marriage and bring you together spiritually. Marriages can be strong at one point and still drift into rough waters if unattended to. Finding a marriage resource to enhance your marriage can take you to a new level of satisfaction in your relationship.

Marriage Conferences and Retreats

Here are seven national marriage conferences, weekend retreats, or workshops that can enhance your marriage and take it to the next level when your marriage is on a positive track.

Weekend to Remember sponsored by Family Life – A two-and-a-half day romantic weekend that entices you to invest in and strengthen your marriage―no matter how firm or fragile. Weekend to Remember is designed to enhance your marriage by helping the two of you to: handle issues well as they arise so resentments don’t fester; express feelings positively; maintain a vital sexual connection; resolve conflict in healthy, productive ways; and forgive freely and completely. Weekend events are scheduled all over the country every year. Couples can easily find one in a nearby location. Weekend to Remember

Gary Chapman’s the Five Love Languages (also called Toward a Growing Marriage) This Conference with best-selling author and counselor Gary Chapman helps you and your loved one learn how to speak your spouse’s love language. This weekend event helps you put the wisdom of The 5 Love Languages® into practice so you can gain new insight into your relationships so you can experience a more loving marriage. Based on Gary Chapman’s best selling book, The Five Love Languages. https://www.5lovelanguages.com/conference/5-love-languages-marriage-conference/

Laugh Your Way to a Better Marriage – A two day Couples’ Comedy Event® uses humor to explore the underlying dynamics of male/female relationships. Mark Gungor’s teaching is touted as “enjoyable, effective and memorable” while bringing clarity and practical solutions to common relationship woes. Mark is Senior Pastor of Celebration Church—a multi-site church in Wisconsin. https://markgungor.com/pages/live-events-1

Marriage Encounter Weekend – A worldwide program that can restore communication, renew commitment, and rekindle romance in your marriage. Rather than listening to lectures, couples actually learn and practice a practical communication technique that can help you rediscover your hopes and dreams for your marriage. Marriage Encounter is offered in numerous languages and dialects in nearly 100 countries. Weekends take place across the North American continent. http://www.wwme.org/

Marriage on the Rock –Jimmy and Karen Evans – XO Marriage conferences are a one or two-day experience that provides expert marriage advice and practical teachings to help you navigate your marriage journey and recharge your relationship. Conferences take place all across the U.S. For thirty years Jimmy and Karen Evans have used the international ministry of Marriage Today to minister to couples on TV and the Internet. Jimmy is senior pastor of Gateway Church in Dallas. https://marriagetoday.com/event/

Love Like You Mean It Marriage Cruise – This event, sponsored by Family Life, is a getaway for married couples looking for relaxation, renewal, romance and life-long memories. The eight-day seven night, fully-chartered cruise sails from Fort Lauderdale, FL to Coco Cay Bahamas, San Juan Puerto Rico, and St. Thomas. The cruise includes biblical teaching and refreshing words on marriage by top Christian leaders along with concerts and entertainment by Christian artists. Best of all you can enjoy lots of quality time with your spouse. https://www.lovelikeyoumeanitcruise.com/

Getting The Love You Want Workshop for Couples – Certified therapists and facilitators can transform your relationship by helping you connect at a deeper level. This workshop based on Imago Relationship Therapy developed by Harville Hendrix, Ph.D and Helen LaKelly Hunt, Ph.D, guides couples with practical tools and strategies to create satisfying and long-lasting relationships. Imago teaches that relationship power-struggles are an opportunity for healing and growth and can establish a deeper connection in couples. When you learn how to move through conflict with compassion and empathy, disagreements in your relationship evolve into something deeper and more fulfilling. Imago workshops can be found across the country. https://imagorelationshipswork.com/find-a-professional/workshops

Close-to-Home Marriage Resources That Can Enhance Your Marriage

Marriage Classes at a Local Church

If you can’t afford to invest in a weekend event, but still want to find a way to recharge your marriage, another alternative is to attend a marriage class at your own church or one in your community. These close-at-home marriage resources may be easier to fit into busy lives and still enhance your marriage in significant ways. Here are a few popular ones to look for.

Marriage Oneness – Explores God’s design for marriage oneness of heart, mind and soul. After a private relationship assessment at the beginning of the course, each session covers one of seven important issues affecting marriage, including communication, conflict resolution, finances, spiritual beliefs, sexual intimacy, roles and responsibilities, and family and friends. https://www.familylife.com/smallgroups/marriage-oneness/

Love and Respect – Helps you discover a simple truth hidden in plain sight that explains why your spouse negatively reacts to you, and shows you how to change your reaction. Based on the best selling book, Love and Respect by Emerson Eggerichs, PhD. https://www.loveandrespect.com/

The Art of Marriage – The Art of Marriage weaves together expert teaching, real-life stories, humorous vignettes, and more to portray both the challenges and the beauty of God’s design. The course helps you identify your top 10 list of what you are doing RIGHT in your marriage. The class shows you that when you are aware of what you are doing right and intentionally repeat those things with confidence, you will enhance your marriage. Video topics take you through the stages of love in marriage. https://www.familylife.com/art-of-marriage/video-event

The Marriage Course – The Marriage Course is a series of seven sessions, designed to help couples invest in their relationship and build a strong marriage. The class features videos of couples talking about their marriages. https://themarriagecourses.org/

The above resources can enhance your marriage, but some marriages need more.

Marriage Resources to Heal Hurting Marriages

Resources that merely enhance your marriage probably aren’t enough, however, if your marriage is spiraling downward. If your marriage is in crisis and needs special help to even survive, there are conferences, programs, classes, and books that are just for you also. Two weeks from now, we will look at some of these. Next week, I will interview the authors of one of these books, Marriage Off Course by Clint and Penny Bragg. The following week, we will look at more marriage resources that can both heal and enhance your marriage.

If you need help right now though to restore your marriage, I encourage you to pick up one of the books below.

Fighting for Your Marriage while Separated gives practical guidance and strategies to heal and restore a broken marriage.
Broken Heart on Hold helps you find healing from the emotional pain of a hurting marriage and strengthens you to take the next step.
Together, these books will walk with you on your journey to wholeness.

Have you attended any of these conferences or classes? What did you think about them? We’d love to hear your comments.

Also, what marriage resources do you plan to take advantage of next to enhance your marriage? What is your next step?

Filed Under: Hope, How to win, Love, marriage, marriage resources, Reconciliation, Uncategorized Tagged With: Goal Setting, hope, Love, marital reconciliation, Marriage, Marriage resources, New Directions, seeking answers, what to do

Overcoming Obstacles in Your Marriage to Find Joy for the Journey

October 17, 2019 by Linda Rooks 1 Comment

A True Love Story that Unlocks the Secret of How to Overcome –

I still remember that first phone call from Jolene as she described the situation in her marriage that was causing her such heartache. Her husband’s life and hers were going in two different directions as their expectations diverged and their emotional needs increasingly went unmet. She had tried to get Rick to understand why she was unhappy and what he was doing that was causing such anxiety, hurt, and discouragement. But he simply didn’t get it.

When she called me, she was ready to walk away from the marriage.

“Do you think Marriage 911 would help us?” she asked. “Is ours the type of situation that would benefit from your class?”

I told her I believed it would. And so they came . . . even though Rick still didn’t understand Jolene’s concern. During those thirteen weeks they faithfully went through the Marriage 911 workbook with the class and participated in their individual small groups. Jolene stayed strong, believing God would break through their gridlock as she read Broken Heart on Hold and allowed God to nurture her heart.

Rick struggled honestly to understand, and then somewhere in the middle of the class, my husband Marv, the leader of Rick’s group, spoke words that illuminated a new understanding in Rick’s mind. A light went off. For years afterward, Rick not only remembered my husband’s words verbatim, but repeated them regularly every time he spoke of this incident. “It’s the appearance of impropriety . . . even though it’s not actual impropriety, it’s the appearance of impropriety.” Once he heard the words, the words popped. He saw it. He got it!

As the thirteen weeks wore on, Jolene’s smile grew more radiant as she began to understand Rick’s new appreciation for her concerns. Their communication began to improve. By the end of the class, their marriage had taken a new turn toward wholeness and healing.

Wanting More Joy for the Journey

But Rick and Jolene weren’t satisfied to stop at merely fixing the problem. They wanted more for their marriage. They wanted to avoid any other slips into miscommunication. They had heard enough stories and learned enough to know more was possible. They didn’t want just an okay marriage or even a good marriage. They wanted a fantastic marriage. They wanted to experience true joy for the journey as they traveled this life together. And they were willing to do whatever necessary to pursue that dream.

They went on a weekend retreat called Retrouvaille where they learned to communicate more clearly and connect with each other’s hearts. They took more marriage classes like Love and Respect, Marriage Oneness and others and read books to grow their relationship. They went on a weekend retreat called Weekend to Remember sponsored by Family Life, which took them to a whole new level of appreciation for one another. One of their favorite romantic adventures was going on a Love Like You Mean It Marriage Cruise, sponsored by Family Life.

In the span of about a year they went from a marriage drifting into possible separation or divorce to a marriage that soared with new possibilities. They had found the joy for the journey they’d been looking for.

A Second Phone Call

A little over a year after they had participated in Marriage 911, I received another phone call from Jolene. After telling me about the transformation in their marriage, she told me they now wanted to give back and help others achieve the joy in their marriages like they had found for their own journey. They became leaders in our Marriage 911 class and then began to facilitate other marriage classes as well. They became active in a wonderful Christian program called Tres Dias that took people on a closer walk with Christ. Rick had a heart for men and organized a Stepping Up seminar at church where many men made stronger commitments to God and to their roles as leaders in their home and church. Rick and Jolene’s marriage became a shining light to others, and for ten years they touched countless other lives and marriages through their ministry.

A New Crisis in Their Marriage

But a year and a half ago, something began happening to Rick that they didn’t understand. A new challenge was unfolding – a life changing one that would take them on a new and frightening journey.

I first noticed it in our Marriage 911 class when I asked Rick, as one of our leaders, to come up to the microphone and offer a prayer. He limped to the front of the room, leaning on a cane. Questions went off in my mind. What was wrong with Rick? Why was he using a cane?

I later learned he had been experiencing weakness in his joints. After a number of doctor’s appointments and medical tests, Rick was diagnosed with ALS.

ALS is a terrible fatal disease that affects nerve cells in the brain and spinal cord, causing loss of muscle control. The muscles all over the body begin to get weaker until paralysis sets in. It’s also called Lou Gehrig’s Disease. In spite of his body growing weaker, however, Rick and Jolene’s faith grew even stronger. They prayed together. They laughed together. And they cried together –always hanging onto hope because they knew their hope was anchored on the solid foundation of Jesus Christ.

And they continued to minister together. At the beginning of this year, Jolene wheeled Rick into our Marriage 911 class in a wheel chair so they could once more share their testimony before our class about how God had healed their marriage. They continued sharing with others all through this time to convey to them how God has given them joy for the journey—even on a journey as difficult as the one they traveled this past year. Because of their beautiful witness, others saw Jesus’ redemptive love and joy shine forth from their lives in a number of venues again and again, even as Rick suffered through debilitating illness and affliction and Jolene walked by his side.

On September 26 of this year, Rick was healed—not in the earthly way we had prayed for—but In God’s infinite mercy He took Rick home before the pain had intensified. God gave Rick a new heavenly body, perfectly designed for Rick’s eternal home in heaven.

Through Jolene’s tears, I see the joy of having a love that endured the pain of their earlier years, a love that overcame misunderstandings and heartache, a love that persevered through sickness and affliction, a love that grew to soar on wings like eagles as together they ministered to other hurting hearts and lives and brought people to Christ so others could experience a joy of their own.

The Love Story Rick Left Behind for Us to Share

But before his homecoming to Heaven, during the early days of his illness when he was being diagnosed with ALS, Rick wrote a love letter to Jolene that says it all. Here is a part of it.

“Having the pleasure of you as my wife has been the best thing that has ever happened to me. I have not always been the best of husbands, but you have stood by me in good times and in bad. I can’t imagine anyone else but you by my side.

As we have learned to show the kind of love and respect that we each need, I have gained a new understanding of how awesome God’s design for marriage can be. Your love for me has made me a better man. You have helped me be the leader of our home and have given me the confidence to be God’s servant to you and others. I thank you for your faith and your love for God.

Thank you for joining me on this wonderful journey. You have given my life purpose. You still are the woman of my dreams and all I could have hoped for. Thank you for loving me for who I am and treating me like a man of God. I love you with all my heart… I love you more”

Rick and Jolene not only overcame, they went further. They learned. They grew. And then they gave to others. Their joy was grounded in the never-changing love of God which fueled their own love, a love that overcame and gave them joy for the journey.

For one last glimpse of the man we are honoring today, you can hear from his own lips and Jolene’s how God has accompanied them throughout their lives and during this difficult battle with ALS to give them joy for the journey. This was taped about a month before God took Rick home.

Video of Rick when he had ALS https://drive.google.com/file/d/1RLXueUn76CB9TFFznnFlT3a0l1H7s3R6/view

“Therefore if you have any encouragement from being united with Christ, if any comfort from his love, if any common sharing in the Spirit, if any tenderness and compassion, ²then make my joy complete by being like-minded, having the same love, being one in spirit and of one mind. ³Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit. Rather, in humility value others above yourselves, ⁴not looking to your own interests but each of you to the interests of the others” Philippians 2: 1-4

Would you like to leave a comment? How did this story encourage you?

Filed Under: Expectations, Grief, health, health issues, Hope, How to win, joy, Love, Marriage problems, New Directions, Reconciliation, Uncategorized Tagged With: conflicts, hope, Love, Marriage, marriage in crisis, New Directions, seeking answers, troubled marriage

I Don’t Want a Divorce

October 3, 2019 by Linda Rooks 2 Comments

“I did everything I could to keep it from happening,” she said. “I asked him to give it another try. I suggested we go to counseling. I even pleaded with him. Nothing worked. We’ve been divorced now for a year.” Her sad eyes told me she still wanted her marriage. She didn’t want a divorce, but she was out of answers.

What could I say to her? Yes, she’d done everything she thought could help. But, unfortunately, the approach she took—which countless others take as well—usually fails to bring about the desired results. She didn’t want a divorce, but divorce came anyway.

It’s a story I’ve heard too many times. A story that ends the way no one really wants, but seems inevitable. But is it?

Doing What Comes Naturally

No one expects a separation to happen . . . or a divorce. And if it does happen, at least one of the parties is usually unprepared. They don’t know what to do so they do what comes naturally. But “naturally” usually takes them down the wrong road that eventually leads to divorce. There is an answer though. There is a right way to respond that has a good chance of saving the marriage.

If you are in this situation, and your spouse’s decision to leave or file for divorce, catches you off guard, and if they seem to have made up their mind on this course of action, if you don’t want a divorce, the first thing to do is not to plead, but to give them space.

If a spouse has actually left the home or says they want a divorce, they are usually running from conflict—whether that conflict is in the home or a conflict raging within their own head. Chasing after them with questions or trying to persuade them to come home or do something to help the marriage, causes them to experience more conflict. Giving them space, and then following up with positive words when you have contact, can ease their fears of your being the source of further conflict.

When you speak words that are positive and encouraging, you don’t need to show acceptance of what he or she is doing. Simply say things that communicate your acceptance of him or her as a person. Let your positive words be sincere, not stilted or forced. Try to think of something. . . anything . . . that you really mean, no matter how small. A “thank you for picking up the kids,” can do. Or “I’m glad the apartment you’re renting is close by.” Or, “I like the new way you’re doing your hair.” Positive interactions provide a safe environment that can move your relationship in a more positive direction and create a path forward for possible reconciliation.

Calming Your Turbulent Emotions

Meanwhile, as you take this positive attitude toward your mate, you also need to discover ways to deal with your own turbulent emotions and find answers for your own journey. The decision to give space and speak positively, when your heart is breaking and your emotions are on a roller coaster, needs supernatural backup. And supernatural backup is available. God is waiting on the doorstep of your heart, wanting to give you His peace, His wisdom, and His love. He has answers for you. So in the midst of your turmoil, reach out and invite Him in to sit with you in your grief. He has much to teach you and show you. He can lift you up during these hard times. He will walk with you on this journey.

I Don’t Want a Divorce

Realize, too, that you need to give this time. When separation or serious steps toward divorce occur, something in the marriage is broken and change needs to happen. But change takes time. If you let God accompany you on this journey, He will lead you through this labyrinth of confusion one step at a time. He can teach you what He wants you to know, and, if you don’t set time limits, you can give God time to reach into your spouse’s heart and bring about needed changes there too. If you don’t want a divorce and can put your hope in God instead of being in a hurry for resolution, there’s a good chance you can reconnect with your spouse in God’s perfect timing and eventually come together again with a healthy marriage.

Finding the Hope

If your emotions are tearing you apart and you feel like your world is collapsing around you, my first book, Broken Heart on Hold, will give you the emotional and spiritual strength to make it through this troubling time so you can be whole again and make good decisions. Broken Heart on Hold is a friend to walk beside you on this journey and has already helped countless others. I know it can help you too.

If you don’t want a divorce and want guidance on how to make the right decisions so you and your spouse can begin to connect again in a positive way, my second award-winning book, Fighting for Your Marriage while Separated, can take you step by step toward healing.

When separation occurs or one spouse moves toward divorce, many people think it’s hopeless. But it’s not. Just like what happened with my husband and I after being separated for three years, feelings can change. If one of you doesn’t want a divorce and is committed to doing what you can to turn things around, there is a strong possibility you can pivot your relationship in a new direction so a resurrected marriage can take place.

What have you tried to do to help your own marriage? I’d love to hear your comments.

If you don’t want a divorce and are willing to fight for your marriage, let me walk with you through the pages of my book, Fighting for Your Marriage while Separated. There you will find practical help that can guide you toward reconciliation even if you’re fighting for your marriage alone.

Filed Under: BOOKS, Divorce, Marital separation, marriage, Marriage problems, Reconciliation, Uncategorized Tagged With: divorce, hope, marital separation, marriage in crisis, seeking answers, troubled marriage

Would I Be Happier with a Divorce?

September 3, 2019 by Linda Rooks 6 Comments

When problems begin eating away at your marriage, one question that often rises to the surface is whether you might be happier with a divorce. In fact, if crisis erupts, it may be one of the first options that come to mind.

But would divorce make you happier? Would it resolve the turmoil and nagging anxiety that keeps you off balance? And would remaining in a seemingly bad marriage keep you miserable?

With these questions in mind, Sociologist Linda Waite and a team of family experts conducted a study of 5,212 married adults a number of years ago, asking them if they were happy, very happy, unhappy, or very unhappy. Then, five years later, they interviewed these individuals again, asking them the same questions.

The results were surprising.

Of those who originally rated their marriage as unhappy, two-thirds of them who stayed married ranked their marriage as happy five years later. But even more dramatic was the turnaround of those who rated their marriages as VERY unhappy. Five years after the original interview, eight out of ten of those who initially rated their marriage as very unhappy, now reported five years later that their marriage was now happy.

So what happened?

The most important factor for those couples who turned unhappy marriages into happy marriages was commitment. The study found that in order to overcome obstacles so happiness in the marriage could be achieved, the process had to begin with commitment. Then appropriate change could take place. These couples apparently rejected the idea that they would be happier with a divorce, but how that happiness was attained was accomplished in three different ways.

In some cases, couples actively worked to solve their problems and did. But for others in a second scenario, happiness came about in a different way. For them, the sources of conflicts that had divided husband and wife eventually disappeared as financial and job problems eased, conflicts over children went away, depression let up, or the pain of infidelity faded. Finally, a third group of these overcomers simply found alternative sources of happiness for themselves by not depending on their spouses to make them happy.

These people were not just trying to cope with simple, solvable problems. In interviewing 55 of these formerly unhappy couples who had achieved happiness in their marriages five years later, the researchers found that many of them had endured extended periods of unhappiness, including such things as “alcoholism, infidelity, verbal abuse, emotional neglect, depression, illness, and work reversals.” 1

Those who divorced

So what happened to those who thought they would be happier with a divorce? If they got a divorce, were they happier with the end result?

In this study collected by the National Survey of Family and Households, researchers found that partners who divorced after rating themselves as unhappy in their marriages were typically no happier than those unhappy adults who stayed married—even if they remarried.

After controlling for race, age, gender, and income and rating participants on 12 different measures of psychological well-being, the study showed that “divorce did not typically reduce symptoms of depression, raise self-esteem, or increase a sense of mastery.”2 Although some sources of stress were eliminated, other situations were set in motion by the divorce which resulted in new problems. These included, “the response of one’s spouse to divorce, the reactions of children, potential disappointments and aggravation in custody, child support, and visitation orders, new financial or health stresses for one or both parents, and new relationships or marriages.”3

So what’s the answer? Would you be happier with a divorce?

When we consider the three types of approaches mentioned by the researchers that enabled couples to turn unhappy marriages into happy marriages, the attitude chosen by the third group of overcomers who found alternative sources of happiness may be the best place to start. Instead of relying on their partners to make them happy, they found something else to focus on. No one can meet all of our needs, and when we depend on our spouses to make us happy, they will invariably fall short. Only God can meet all of our needs. So for us as believers, when problems come, if we begin by focusing on Jesus instead of our spouse, He can lift us above those painful circumstances and give us a peace and joy that surmounts the stress of our situation. He can open our eyes to the answers He has for us . . . and that brings us to the plan used by the first group who overcame a bad marriage to turn it into a good marriage . . .

Change.

When we focus on God, He can show us the changes He wants us to make as individuals to make us into the persons He wants us to be. He can also lead us to make needed changes in our relationship. As believers, we are all hopefully in the process of becoming who God wants us to be, and when we surrender our situations to Him, He can use them to purify our hearts and lives. His Word shows us how to communicate in healthy ways, and when we spend more time poring over God’s Word to find the wisdom He has for us, we can begin to see new ways to improve our relationships.

And that brings us to the second group who simply seemed to outlast their problems. What is true today might not be true tomorrow. Our lives are ever-evolving. Circumstances change. Children grow up. Jobs come and go. Finances can change dramatically. When we make serious lifelong decisions based on a temporary juncture in life, we cut short our ability to see God’s overall plan for redemption and reconciliation. When we can join with our spouse to push through these temporary stresses, the partnership we form together can outlast life’s troubles and worries to create a beautiful and lasting union we will celebrate in times to come. When we give God time to work and surrender our problems to Him, He is faithful to give us answers along with His peace and joy

Tipping the Scales

So would you be happier with a divorce?

When we grow impatient with our circumstances and seek relief from the pain and discomfort they bring, divorce may appear to be the answer. And in some cases, such as with physical abuse or a spouse who persists in a sinful lifestyle that harms the family, there may be no other choice. But as the above study suggested, in many cases, we may just be inviting new problems into our life.

What can tip the scales in favor of fighting for our marriages is how much we believe in the power and wisdom of God.

When we believe that God is sovereign and has the power to move mountains, we can also rest in the assurance that He can change hearts and lives. If we believe His promise that He does indeed bring beauty from ashes, we can give the ashes of a crumbling marriage to Him while we wait for the beauty and joy of resurrection to appear. Then we will discover the truth of Psalm 30:5, which says, “Weeping may endure for a night, But joy comes in the morning.”

If you are willing to fight for your marriage, let me walk with you through the pages of my book, Fighting for Your Marriage while Separated. There you will find practical help that can guide you toward reconciliation even if you’re fighting for your marriage alone.

Statistics and quotes above taken from: “Does Divorce Make People Happy? Findings from a Study of Unhappy Marriages” by Linda J. Waite, Don Browning, William J. Doherty, Maggie Gallagher, Ye Luo, and Scott M. Stanley, Institute for American Values.

What do you think of the results of this study? Add a comment and share what’s on your mind.

Filed Under: Conflict, disappointment, Divorce, Hope, How to win, loss, Love, Marital separation, marriage, Marriage problems, Problems, Reconciliation, Trusting God, Uncategorized Tagged With: conflicts, difficult life, divorce, Feeling lost, hard times, Love, marital reconciliation, marital separation, marriage in crisis, seeking answers, troubled marriage

The Power of Forgiving the Unforgivable

August 21, 2019 by Linda Rooks Leave a Comment

Guest post by Andrea Chatelain

The situation was out of my control as I watched people I love stung by betrayal.

With anger, sadness, and hope all fighting for my attention, my emotions swung back and forth to become a bitter weapon at one moment or a peaceful salve at another. I felt useless—until I realized the healing power I possessed, but was holding back: undeserved forgiveness.

When the people I love are hurt, my first reaction is sometimes to speak and act out of my emotion rather than my faith. But as I recently navigated relational pain, God pushed me to remember my story—how He pursued me. He used some of my darkest moments for my good, to bring me closer to Him in faith. And if it’s true for me, it’s true for those who’ve hurt me too.

Jesus taught and modeled some hard lessons to swallow. Love your enemy. Be peacemakers. Pursue mercy. Forgive because your Heavenly Father has forgiven you. These commands all sound good, until you have to put them into practice. If you’re like me, your heart sends out condemning messages instead like, You hurt me! You don’t deserve my forgiveness! How could you do that? That was wrong.

That’s why I need the Holy Spirit to guide my thoughts. I have to check in with truth in Scripture of what I’ve freely received from God and never deserved.

Like this…

“So if there is any encouragement in Christ, any comfort from love, any participation in the Spirit, any affection and sympathy, complete my joy by being of the same mind, having the same love, being in full accord and of one mind. Do nothing from selfish ambition or conceit, but in humility count others more significant than yourselves” (Philippians 2:1-3 ESV).

That Scripture challenges me to ask, what do I get from knowing Jesus? And do others receive the overflow from me?

I think of how He’s comforted and encouraged me through depression and anxiety. How in Him I found mercy and unconditional love in spite of my rebellion. As I reflected on times I screwed up big or small, hurt others, or acted foolish and sinful, I map out evidence that God pursued me in my pits. It’s the jolt of reality I need to help me forgive others well.

God grew a beautiful faith out of my blunders. Knowing He loved me despite my imperfection, switches my mindset towards others who outwardly offend. God’s actively redeeming their story too. No matter how far they’ve gone.

So when my thoughts want to condemn the people who feel like my enemy, the Holy Spirit counters saying, Who are you to stand in my way of redeeming my people? I bought you back when you were a sinner. And I’m on a mission to free them too. You get to choose what role you want to play. You can be a mirror of the undeserved life-giving forgiveness that I extended to you, or you can harbor bitterness that leads them farther away.

We forgive because we’ve been forgiven. But we also forgive because we know that knowing Jesus is the only way for our enemies to change. It’s a springboard for God to do His redemptive work in their lives.

Paul urges this, saying, “For such a one, this punishment by the majority is enough, so you should rather turn to forgive and comfort him, or he may be overwhelmed by excessive sorrow. So I beg you to reaffirm your love for him” (2 Corinthians 2:6-8 ESV).

I’ve seen people punished by the majority for their sins. And at times, I wanted to heap coals on the fire too. But God calls us to be a different kind of firelight.

When we choose the harder way of forgiveness, Paul says we save that person from excessive sorrow and we bring them back into love. It’s a beautiful picture of the gospel. The person will never forget it. And you can be sure God will use your faithfulness for His glory and your good.

What have you received freely from Christ? When have you felt His comfort, love, and mercy? When have you needed forgiveness? Reach out, reaffirm your brotherly or sisterly love for someone who perhaps doesn’t deserve forgiveness. Pray that God uses your obedience to help that person experience God’s love in a big way. And trust that He is actively working in their story just like He redeemed yours.

About the Author

Andrea Chatelain’s mission is to meet those who are struggling and love them forward with God’s truth. She’s a Midwest mom of three, faith and family writer at A Fruitful Woman, writer/speaker for WhollyLoved Ministries, and college English instructor to immigrants and refugees. She believes God is still in the business of restoring and redeeming His people, and she loves connecting with others to remind them of God’s love.

Filed Under: Conflict, disappointment, forgiveness, Jesus, Problems, Prodigals, Reconciliation, Uncategorized Tagged With: conflicts, forgiveness, hard times, hope, Reconciliation

Understanding Personality Differences in Your Marriage

July 3, 2019 by Linda Rooks 2 Comments

Photo by andrew welch on Unsplash

One of the odd and sometimes sad realities of many marriages is that the opposites, which originally contributed to your falling in love, can actually begin to erode the relationship in the later stages of marriage. The same opposites that first attracted you can eventually become annoying and bring about conflict.

To the serious minded person, that happy-go-lucky personality that originally beguiled her can begin to feel frivolous and unsupportive. She wants someone who helps around the house and relieves some of the workload. Likewise, for the fun-loving person who was originally drawn to the character strengths of his serious-minded mate, those qualities can eventually begin to seem dull, drab, and unexciting. He doesn’t want to spend his time working; he wants someone who likes to have fun.

In this kind of scenario, resentments can grow and marriages begin to unravel.

But it doesn’t have to be this way. Understanding those basic personality traits and learning to use the strengths and weaknesses of each partner to compliment the other can actually give you a stronger marriage and fill in the gaps. As you learn to appreciate each other’s strengths and humbly admit your own weaknesses, you become a stronger team to face life’s challenges.

Ann and Rocky

“When we learned about the personality differences and saw that I was a lion and he was an otter, we began to understand why we had some of the conflicts we had,” Ann told our Marriage 911 class when she and her husband gave their testimony a few years after they had reconciled from a four year separation. ”It was so much easier for us to work together and make the most of our strengths and weaknesses. Understanding the personalities made a huge difference in our relationship and the way we interacted with each other.”

The “lion” and “otter” Ann refers to are the terms sometimes used to describe two of the four personality types first developed by Hippocrates. The more universal terms used by him and many personality professionals are sanguine, choleric, melancholy, and phlegmatic. The animal equivalents Ann referred to are otter, lion, beaver, and golden retriever. Some newer and more descriptive terms developed by Linda Golden and Linda Goldfarb in their book, Linked, Maximizing Life Connections One Link at Time, are socializer, mobilizer, organizer, and stabilizer.

Understanding Personality Differences

As Gilden and Goldfarb describe them, the socializer or sanguine is the playful one or the life of the party, the mobilizer or choleric is the powerful personality that gets things done, the organizer or melancholy is the purposeful personality who keeps everything in order, and the stabilizer or phlegmatic is the easy going one who keeps things peaceful.

When my husband Marv and I took the tests, we discovered he falls into the sanguine, otter, socializer cagegory, and I am the melancholy, beaver, organizer. Marv has a great sense of humor, is a good conversationalist and a people magnet and is generally tuned into the pop culture. I am more serious and analytical, usually have a list to accomplish, and love working with words. My secondary trait is socializer and his is stabilizer. I love the fun he brings into my life, and he appreciates my nesting instincts that keep our lives in order.

Through the years we’ve gradually learned how our personality characteristics can work together to form a more perfect union as man and wife, but it has taken time.

Packing for Family Vacations

When Marv and I went on a recent trip to the mountains, we laughed at the angst we used to experience in our early marriage when we took vacations with the children. One of the stresses we regularly encountered was the job of packing the car. Being the husband, the father, and the man of the house, he would haul the suitcases out to the car and load them into the trunk. I would typically come out, look inside, and want him to rearrange things to make more room for additional bags and paraphernalia the children and I would bring. It was one of the conflicts that often put a damper on the start of family road trips.

After many years of such frustration, we finally came to a realization about our innate strengths and weaknesses and made a change that satisfied us both. So today while he is stronger than I and carries the suitcases out to the car, I take on the role of organizer and happily set about moving the suitcases and bags around in the trunk until everything fits perfectly. For me as the melancholy, beaver, organizer personality, it is like putting together a puzzle. Meanwhile, he can sit back and watch me maneuver things around while getting out some music CDs to play in the car. As a result, the car is less crowded and more neatly put together and the trip more enjoyable.. Both of us are happy.

Discovering Your Personality Types

By taking the tests at one of the links below, you can discover your own personality type and that of your spouse. Often you will find you have a dominant personality type and one that runs a close second. When you recognize your own strengths and weaknesses and those of your mate you can begin to work together as a team by minimizing your own weaknesses in the home environment and benefiting from each other’s strengths.

Eventually, you may find that when you step back from some of your misunderstandings and look at them from the perspective of your personality differences, problematic practices can be tweaked so both of you win.

You can take an online test at one of the following links to discover your own personality types and that of your spouse.

Gotoquiz.com

Solvemymaths.files.wordpress.com

For more help in bringing reconciliation to a troubled marriage, read Fighting for Your Marriage while Separated.

Filed Under: Conflict, disappointment, Expectations, How to win, Love, Marriage problems, Problems, Reconciliation, Trying to understand, Uncategorized Tagged With: books for marriage, conflicts, marital reconciliation, New Directions, personalities, seeking answers, troubled marriage

Guest Post by Jennifer Slattery

Programs You Can Attend that Help Hurting Marriages

Marriage Intensives Specifically Designed to Help Hurting Marriages

Books for Hurting Marriages – In Depth Help You Can Review Again and Again

Help on the Internet for Hurting Marriages

Marriage Conferences and Retreats

Close-to-Home Marriage Resources That Can Enhance Your Marriage

Marriage Classes at a Local Church

Marriage Resources to Heal Hurting Marriages

A True Love Story that Unlocks the Secret of How to Overcome –

Wanting More Joy for the Journey

A Second Phone Call

A New Crisis in Their Marriage

The Love Story Rick Left Behind for Us to Share

Doing What Comes Naturally

Calming Your Turbulent Emotions

I Don’t Want a Divorce

Finding the Hope

So what happened?

Those who divorced

So what’s the answer? Would you be happier with a divorce?

Tipping the Scales

About the Author

Ann and Rocky

Understanding Personality Differences

Packing for Family Vacations

Discovering Your Personality Types

Beyond Our Imagination

Sign up for Heart Talk & Receive My Blog by Email

Contact Linda

Archives

Categories

Latest from the Blog