Don’t Stop with Okay, We’re Fixed . . . Keep on Growing.

October 24, 2019 by Leave a Comment

Last week’s story of a couple whose marriage soared to heights of great happiness after first encountering and surmounting problems, challenges many of us to examine just how much fuel we are giving to our own marriages so we can achieve a similar level of happiness in our relationships.

Rick and Jolene found a fix for their problems when they went through Marriage 911, but they didn’t stop with okay, we’re fixed. They wanted more. They went to classes and seminars, retreats, and cruises, they read books together—anything they could find to strengthen their relationship, improve communication, and heighten their romance. And they achieved the marriage of their dreams.

It’s so easy to settle in when things are just okay instead of doing the work to go the next step so your marriage can thrive rather than stopping at just okay.

Joe Williams, co-founder of Marriage 911, often says the natural direction of marriage is to separate. In other words, if you are not working to make your marriage better, chances are it will grow worse.

Life is busy, and distractions are many. There’s money to make, careers to grow, children to love and take care of, and duties to carry out. If our marriage is no longer hurting, it’s easy to let it slip into the back seat and stop with okay.

But what can you do to take your marriage to the next level?

Here are some suggestions to make sure you are keeping God in the center of your marriage and that you are nourishing your relationship by spending quality time together.

  • Pray together daily.
  • Read the Bible or take part in a Bible study together.
  • Go to church together every week.
  • Have date nights regularly (at least once a month, but preferably more).
  • Read a book on marriage together at least once or twice a year.
  • Listen or watch a marriage podcast once a month.
  • Take weekend or week-long trips together.
  • Plan to attend at least one major enrichment event a year such as a retreat, seminar, class, or cruise.

Making your marriage a priority now can save you from more heartache later. If you worry about taking time away from your children, realize a strong marriage gives your children a firm and solid foundation from which they can later sprout wings in their personal lives to appropriately explore the world they will one day enter as adults.

When my husband’s and my marriage fell apart and we became separated in the ’90s, our older daughter was in her second year of college. She writes of that time, “As a college student on my own for the first time ever, it had been as if I was in a little row boat in the middle of the sea. My one source of stability had been that I knew there was a large ship within rowing distance that I could easily get to whenever I needed it. In that moment [when my parents separated], it felt like that ship was blown up and sinking to the bottom of the ocean. I was alone. There was no one I could turn to for security or stability. All I had ever known that was secure was no more.”

Keeping your marriage strong (or strengthening it after recovering from a crisis), will not only improve your couple communication and bring greater happiness to you, but strengthen the stability and confidence of your children. If you’ve suffered through a marital collapse, allowing your children to watch you grow your marriage into a more loving and fruitful relationship will teach them the value of pursuing God’s best in marriage.

Instead of stopping with okay, take your marriage to the next level. Give yourselves the gift of a great marriage. Take the time to engage in marriage enrichment opportunities to expand your framework of ideas and strategies to attack common problems that arise. Realize these programs can open your eyes to issues that might be undermining your relationship that you may not even be aware of. Enjoy finding out how to make love deposits in your spouse’s love bank that will create a love reserve so future problems won’t exact a toll on your marriage. Best of all, discover how making these discoveries can bring you the happiness that God intended when He created this thing called marriage.

Next week in Heart Talk, let’s look at specific programs, retreats, books, podcasts, etc. that can enhance your marriage.

Don’t stop with okay. Keep on growing. Have a great marriage!

f you need help in fighting for your marriage, let me walk with you through the pages of my book, Fighting for Your Marriage while Separated. There you will find practical help that can guide you toward reconciliation even if you’re fighting for your marriage alone.

 

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Filed Under: Expectations, How to win, joy, Love, marriage, New Directions, Uncategorized Tagged With: , , , , ,

Interview with Kathy Collard Miller, Co-author of Never Ever Be the Same

June 8, 2016 by 19 Comments

Never, Ever Be the SameSometimes we know we need to make changes in ourselves, but just don’t know how to do it. Two years ago, Kathy Collard Miller and I were co-leaders of a workshop at a national conference where she shared insights on why we do some of the things we do and how to make changes. In her new book, Never, Ever Be the Same, Kathy and her husband Larry Miller develop those ideas further and take us into a fascinating look at the whys and hows of character changes we need to make. Kathy is author of over 50 books and an international speaker. If you’d like a FREE copy of her book, we’ll be doing a drawing on Tuesday among those who make comments at the end of this post.

Linda: Kathy, if you summarized your book Never Ever Be the Same: A New You Starts Today, what would you say?

 Kathy: There is hope for making changes in your life by recognizing the source of ungodly reactions, and that includes your marriage and relationships!

Linda: That sounds exciting—and hopeful! Tell us more.

 Kathy: We answer the question, “Why do I do what I do?” and “Why do I keep doing what I said I’d stop?” So often even when we’ve prayed for God’s help, we just can’t stop making hurtful and harmful choices. My husband and co-author, Larry, and I wanted to help readers identify the underlying reasons for those responses. Using the book’s principles, we’ve found progress in our own lives and marriage and we want to share what we learned so that we all can trust God more.

Linda: Is this a marriage book specifically?

 Kathy: No, the focus is not marriage but we include many examples and applications for marriage and relationships, primarily because most of life is our reactions to other people, especially in the closest relationships. For instance, Larry sometimes asks me, “What were you thinking when you did that?” Because of experiences from my childhood, I vowed to never feel or be seen as stupid. When Larry asks me that question, it feels as if I’m hearing, “You must be so stupid to have thought that!” And I get angry! He didn’t say or mean to say I’m stupid but I overreact to him because of that “wound” in my childhood.

Linda: Is there a story behind your book?

 Kathy: Oh yes. Ten years ago a very good friend of ours went to a seminar where he learned how to give “soul care” counseling. As he described it to Larry, Larry asked, “Do you think Kathy and I would gain something from it since we often give counsel to couples at couples retreats?”

Our friend said, “Oh, yes” and we went.

We didn’t realize that not only would we be taught how to give soul care to others through our lay ministry, but we would also be given soul care for ourselves by our teacher.

We received the training through a ministry called Journey Kathy Collard Miller & husbandCompanions Ministries (www.journeycompanionsministries.org) and we highly recommend it. We learned to examine our hearts and discover our underlying motives—and then trust God more. We also began giving soul care counseling in our home to others and we discovered what was effective. That’s what we share in our book. We’ve seen God use our book and our counseling to draw others closer to Him.

Linda: How is your book different from other books that tell people how to make their lives better?

 Kathy: The difference we see is that we don’t advise people or couples what to do or not do. We help them examine their heart’s motives. For instance, we help them see if there are idols, “railroad tracks,” wounds, wrong beliefs, and sinful, self-protective strategies in their lives. We share lots of stories from our own lives and from the lives of others who have been impacted by these ideas, including many married couples. We also point out Biblical principles that reveal what’s going on in our hearts. For instance, God tells his people in Jeremiah 2:13 that they keep drinking the muddy water of broken cisterns when He offers them a fresh living spring. We help our readers discover the ways they are drinking that muddy water and how to go to God’s living spring of abundant life.

Linda: You mentioned “railroad tracks” earlier. I’m intrigued. What do you mean by that?

 Kathy: So often we say something like, “Oh, I trust God completely but I’m worried that my husband won’t make wise decisions for us.” When someone tells us that, we hear two conflicting thoughts, and we ask whether they see how trusting and worrying are the opposite. We may think we have a “mono rail” in our hearts of only trusting God but there’s actually two rails like railroad tracks: worrying and trusting. Only when we identify that we have opposing reactions can we see how we’re not living as close to God as we think and then make changes.

Linda: Tell my readers another concept from Never Ever Be the Same.

Kathy: We refer to being “hooked” as any reaction that is the opposite of the fruit of the Spirit: love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, self-control (Galatians 5:22-23). So often our ungodly reactions seem normal or “benign” because we’ve been reacting like that for so long. It seems there’s no other way to react. In order to ask God to change us, we need to recognize how we’re being selfish instead of “loving;” believing God won’t come through for us instead of “joyful;” disgruntled instead of “peaceful.” You get the idea. It’s amazing even to Larry and I that we can call a sinful reaction “no big deal.” But every ungodly reaction hurts ourselves and others. It separates us from God’s empowerment to love and value others, especially our spouse.

Linda: You also talked about “wounds.” What do you mean by that and how is it important?

 Kathy: We have seen that difficult or traumatic things that occur in our childhood or even in adulthood can create wrong beliefs. We usually don’t recognize there are lies as a part of that wound. For instance, when I was in third grade, I fell on the playground face first and shattered my top two front teeth. One of the many thoughts that came into my mind was, “God allowed that to happen. He must not love me and he can’t be trusted.” As a child, I didn’t know how to counteract that “message” which was a lie. I attended church but had already begun believing God was waiting for me to become perfect before He could love me.

To try to figure out life, I created a self-protective sinful strategy of perfectionism. I decided that if I could become perfect I could have a happy life. When I became a Christian at age eighteen, it was hard to believe God really graciously loved me with no strings attached.

Linda: How did that affect your marriage?

 Kathy: When Larry and I married, I expected Larry to be my perfect Prince Charming. When he wasn’t, I believed he had fallen out of love with me and I reacted with anger and unrealistic expectations. Because of Larry’s own childhood wounds, he withdrew from me because he felt out of control, unable to make me happy. We were in a downward spiral. We praise God that He healed us and we’ve been married over 45 years. We are able to meet each other’s needs in better ways now because we don’t get “hooked” with each other as often.

Linda: What do you suggest in your book for healing of the wounds and lies?

 Kathy: First of all recognizing what motivates each of us. Then we must acknowledge how we’re not depending upon God and ask for forgiveness and be cleansed each time we get hooked.

Secondly, surrender to whatever God wants for us, even if it seems scary to not defend ourselves. For instance, in those times Larry says something like, “What were you thinking?” and I start to “hear” “I’m stupid,” I can slow down my reaction and believe the truth: even if Larry sees me as stupid, I have the mind of Christ and God doesn’t see me as stupid. I can also express what’s going on inside of me to help me see if I’m having “railroad tracks.”

Both repentance and surrender are a part of the process of sanctification and we’ll have to make those wise choices over and over again. But in time we’ll turn our attention to God more quickly.

Linda: Kathy, I know that you’re a speaker as well as a writer. Where can readers find out more about you and your ministry?

 Kathy: Yes, thanks for asking about my speaking. Since I gave my first presentation in 1980, God has opened doors for me to speak in 31 states and 8 foreign countries. I’m amazed at what God has done. Your readers can learn more at www.KathyCollardMiller.com.

Remember to make a comment for the chance of winning a FREE book.

 

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Filed Under: BOOKS, Feeling unworthy, Goals and Resolutions, Interviews, Marriage problems, mistakes, New Directions, Problems, Uncategorized Tagged With: , , ,

Love & Care For The One and Only You – Interview with Author Michelle Medlock Adams

January 6, 2016 by 5 Comments

Love and Care For the One & Only YouAs you shrug off the last vestiges of 2015 and walk into a new year, many of you are asking yourselves what lies ahead and how you should approach the new challenges. Sometimes the first thing to do is simply start where you are—with you. Michelle Medlock Adams wants to help you begin that journey through her book, Love & Care For The One and Only You by providing inspiration that will help you face your tomorrows with health, hope, and confidence.

Michelle is an award-winning journalist, speaker, and best-selling author, earning top honors from the Associated Press, the Society of Professional Journalists and the Hoosier State Press Association. Author of over 70 books, her book, Divine Stories of the Yahweh Sisterhood, was named a Family Christian Bookstores Premiere Pick in 2006. I’m so pleased to be able to start off 2016 by interviewing someone whom I believe can give you a positive and practical focus for launching into the New Year.

Linda: If you had to summarize what your book, Love & Care For The One and Only You is about in just a few words, what phrase would you use?

Michelle: Striving for progress, not perfection.

Linda: Sounds like something we can all happily relate to. Elaborate on that, would you?

Michelle: Of course. I believe when we accept the fact that we’ll never be perfect, it’s so freeing. It’s true, we will probably never have that perfect supermodel physique, but we are perfectly loved by Almighty God! Once I realized that truth and began striving for progress, not perfection, I could celebrate the little goals I was achieving on this health and fitness journey. That brought joy to the journey, and that changed everything for me. I believe it will change everything for those who read my book, as well.

Linda: What prompted you to write Love & Care For The One and Only You?

Michelle: Well, when I was in journalism school at Indiana University, I was always taught to “Write what you know,” and I know the struggle is real when it comes to achieving a healthy life in all areas—spirit, mind and body. But, I also know the secret lies in God. Exercise gimmicks and gadgets, diet pills and potions, and fad diet programs will all fade away, but God’s Word remains forever true and jam-packed with wisdom. I wanted to communicate those truths in a way that was non-judgmental and encouraging, and that’s why I felt compelled to write this book.

Linda: How is your book different from other health and fitness books in the marketplace?

Michelle: This is not your typical “go for the burn” “be more disciplined” “work out more, eat less” fitness book. This is an inspirational devotional that encourages women to become the best version of themselves; to strive for progress, not perfection; and to live a happier, healthier life. I want women who read my book to realize that they are precious to God and that their lives matter, which is why they need to become healthy and whole to fulfill their individual callings. Whether a stay-at-home mom or a businesswoman, we can accomplish more and be happier if we’re spiritually, emotionally and physically healthy. Women shouldn’t just go through the motions of life exhausted, but rather enjoy every day life empowered!

Linda: I so agree with you there! I know you’ve written more than 70 books—many specifically for women—is your latest book similar to any of your other devotionals for women?

Michelle: Love & Care For The One and Only You is probably most similar to my 60-day devotionals (Barbour) called, Secrets of Happiness and Secrets of Beauty. However, Love & Care For The One And Only You is my first inspirational title about becoming spiritually, emotionally and physically fit.

Linda: How did your personal background/experiences prepare you for the writing of this book?

Michelle: My personal background plays into the writing of this book because I have always been and am currently a certified fitness Michelle Adamsinstructor. I love helping women get healthy! And, I love encouraging others—whether that’s through personal training, speaking at churches and women’s events, or through the words in my books. Plus, I am in the trenches with these readers! I’ve battled self-esteem issues much of my life, and I know how the devil works, whispering in our ears that we’re not good enough. But I also know that through His Word, we can be confident that we are more than enough! That we are conquerors! That we are the head and not the tail! That we are the apple of God’s eye! That we are empowered and able to do all things through Christ Jesus! And, that our Heavenly Father treasures us!

Linda: Who is this book for, specifically?

Michelle: Love & Care For The One And Only You is written for women who are discouraged, disgusted and disillusioned by the supermodel fitness expert offering weight-loss and exercise advice. Like me, they have probably tried and failed at numerous “fool-proof diet plans” and started and quit more exercise programs than they care to admit. They are busy with endless responsibilities. They want to eat better and live a healthier life but many have given up.

My book is for successful business women, moms, grandmoms and women who have been subjected to fitness programs and diet plans that required so much and gave back so little. Unrealistic expectations, ridiculous and restrictive rules, and unattainable goals may have left many of my readers without hope, without vision, and without a workable solution. My message is one of hope, vision and workable solutions, equipping them with the power tools it takes to become healthier spiritually, emotionally and physically. I know these readers because I am one of these readers. I’ve lived it. I’ve learned it, and now I’m sharing it with the other women who desperately need faith, hope and fitness.

Linda: How does caring for yourself contribute to resolving relationship issues?

Michelle: You know, I believe that when we get healthy—spiritually, physically and mentally—we become better in every area including our relationships. Personally speaking, when I feel better about myself, I am more apt to try new things and be more engaging and adventurous in life. I am just happier and more fun to be around, which in turn, makes my spouse happier. In addition, getting healthy can be a great way to bond with your significant other. I speak about that in my book, actually. My hubby of 24 years, Jeff, and I love to go on walks together and hit the gym as a couple. We also love to cook together, trying out new healthy recipes side by side. He’s actually a better cook than I am, but don’t tell him I admitted that, haha. (There are healthy recipes included in my book!) We achieve healthy goals together, and we celebrate those achievements together which makes them even more meaningful.

Linda: Are there times when caring for yourself can actually have a detrimental effect on relationships? Can we overdo the idea of caring for self?

Michelle: I think we can overdo anything in life and it can become detrimental. If we become too self-absorbed, then that can definitely be a negative in our relationships with God and with our families. It’s really all about your mindset. If you’re simply working out and eating healthy so that you can fit into your skinny jeans and feel hot, then your mindset isn’t where it should be. Fitting into your skinny jeans and feeling good about yourself are certainly benefits from making healthy choices but they shouldn’t be your sole motivation. Caring for ourselves is vital so that we can better care for (and enjoy) those precious people in our lives, as well as fulfill our destinies here on earth. If we are too tired or feel too awful in our bodies, then we won’t have the energy to fulfill all that God has for us to do in this lifetime.

Linda: Any parting words?

Michelle: I so wish I could physically be there to go on this health and wellness journey with each of the ladies who picks up my book, but it’s the next best thing. I’ve prayed over this book, and I so believe it’s from the heart of God. Lastly, if you’ve talked yourself into thinking that the status quo is as good as it gets, I’m here to tell you that is not the case. You can be happier, stronger and healthier in 2016, and you can enjoy the journey! I just want my sisters out there to go into this New Year excited and encouraged.

Linda: Where can readers find out more about you and your books?

Michelle: You can learn more on my website at www.michellemedlockadams.com

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Filed Under: BOOKS, Feeling unworthy, Goals and Resolutions, health, Hope, How to win, Interviews, New Directions, New Years, Uncategorized Tagged With: , , , ,
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