Creating Safety through Listening

July 6, 2021 by Leave a Comment

Photo by Etienne Boulang

I OFTEN TALK ABOUT THE IMPORTANCE of creating safety in a relationship to help a marriage thrive or survive a marital collapse. In my book, Fighting for Your Marriage while Separated, it’s a common theme that runs throughout the pages. But what that means is not always easy to understand. For how do you create safety?  It’s not just about refraining from a fight or not attacking the other person. In fact, creating safety can even involve something as simple as how we listen to each other.

How do we react when our partner tells us about a problem? Are we supporting them or trying to fix them? Are we allowing them to express their feelings or are we unintentionally shutting them down by negating emotions that seem illogical to us? Do we interrupt them and interject our own spins on things or do we allow them to finish their story?

Both partners need to feel safe if they are to be happy in the relationship, and we can consciously promote safety in a variety of ways. Learning how to listen when our partner expresses their needs without interjecting ourselves into their narrative is one of the ways we can help them feel safe.

Deborah Maxey, PhD, wrote a great article in MTL magazine called “Can You Hear Me Now” about how to listen to someone when they are in need and expressing deep feelings or hurts.  She specifically lists the ways we often fall short in our listening skills and unintentionally push the person away instead of using the time to help them feel safe and understood. She lists 15 mistakes we often make in our listening. I highly recommend that you read the full article below and see if you can create more safety in your marriage by improving your listening skills.

Can You Hear Me Now?

by Deborah Maxey, Ph.D.

There truly is “more to life” when we have healthy, loving relationships. In my practice as a psychotherapist, assessing the health or issues in relationships was a huge part of my job. Extensive training allowed me to dive deep into what makes a relationship work and what creates distance. As an expert witness, I testified in court over a thousand times on those assessments.

Without question, the biggest characteristic of health or disorder in our relationships is how well we comfort one another. In a time of need, does our partner, friend or child find a safe, cushy place to land where he can share his tender needs with us?

There are key ingredients to being that safe, soft place to land when someone is hurting. The most important thing we can do to build trust as a safe person to share with is to practice getting ourselves out of the way when we listen. Most people are well meaning and think they are good listeners. But even the most compassionate people can make big errors.

To offer quality comfort, we must be open to hearing our loved one’s physical, emotional and spiritual needs without our own feelings and needs interrupting. Here are fifteen ways listening can go wrong and create distance in a relationship.

Continue reading  https://mtlmagazine.com/article/can-you-hear-me-now/

 

You can learn other ways to create safety in a relationship in my book, Fighting for Your Marriage while Separated.

 

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Filed Under: communication, Expectations, How to win, Marital separation, marriage, Marriage problems, Problems, Reconciliation, Uncategorized Tagged With: , , , , , ,

Interview with Tara Royer Steele, Author of Eat. Pie. Love.

June 8, 2021 by Leave a Comment

Words - Eat, Pie, LoveAS SUMMER ROLLS IN and the lockdowns from Covid begin to roll out, most of us are ready to take a deep refreshing breath, sit back, and experience some of life’s sweetness. Author Tara Royer Steele has just the recipe for us. As owner of her own nationally acclaimed bakery, Royers Pie Haven, she suggests  “1 dash of love + 1 heaping scoop of grace = life sweeter than pie.”

In her new devotional book, Eat. Pie. Love., Tara shares some of her delicious pie recipes and artwork while using the analogy of pie baking to remind us that our lives can become messy or unsavory, depending on the ingredients or choices we make. But when we trust the hands of our Creator, we can experience wholeness and the sweeter side to life. I’m pleased to give you a look into what her book has to offer through the following interview with her.

Linda: What gave you the idea to write Eat. Pie. Love.? Tell us why you decided to include recipes and your own artwork?

Tara: I never had the idea in my heart to write a book, but friends who were authors, others who walked alongside me through the hard times, and customers who saw how I had overcome hard things continually told me I should.  The idea of a devotional grew from little snippets I posted on social media.  In the mornings, during my quiet time, God would give me digital downloads from the music I was listening to, or what I had been reading. I would then turn that into a, “doodle” or illustration, and then write what God had laid on my heart.  Of course, being in the restaurant and pie business everyone wanted recipes!  It had been over 20 years since our family had put out a book.

Linda: Tell us how you see our lives as a parallel to pie baking and Jesus as the baker?

Tara: When we bake a pie, we combine the right ingredients to pour into the pie crust. We can’t just put flour into the crust, that wouldn’t taste great.  We must add the eggs, chocolate, sugar, butter, and vanilla too. When we pull it out of the fire it comes out smelling delightful, and looks beautiful. When we let God be our foundation, and Jesus fills us with the right ingredients, and through the refining, our lives can become beautiful masterpieces.

Linda: In your book, Eat. Pie. Love., you clarify the difference between a peacekeeper and peacemaker?  How does this apply to marriage and family?

Tara: I thought for the longest that keeping the peace was the way to be. I was wrong. I would try to keep peace between my brothers, or my parents, or my husband.  I would smooth things over, and try to make everyone happy, and that only lasted for a while. Soon, the struggle was back, and usually even larger. I could no longer keep putting a bandaid on things. My husband said that we can’t keep going like this, I can’t be in the middle of you and your family business.  You’re going to have to stand up and do hard things and set boundaries.  We have to work on the issues at hand, and like grown adults, come together and make peace.

The only way to run a successful family business is with open communication and a willingness to listen, lay down your selfish desires, and follow God’s lead for peace. I was weary, and once I decided that my family, our business, and my marriage were all what God had intended for my life, I was able to meet everyone where they were and come to the table with The Holy Spirit leading my words.

Linda: You are open about some of the messiness of your life including divorcing an abusive first husband and a short time of partying. What helped you realize you needed to make changes in yourself?

Tara: I knew that I needed to make a change, but I didn’t make the decision. God continually chased me. (I grew up in a Christian home) He pursued me, even when I wasn’t looking at Him. He never gave up on me. God grabbed me, and Jesus interrupted my life. I was dating several guys, having a good ‘ole time, not worrying about anything, even our family business. I really had come to my wits end. DONE. Wanted to just do me for awhile, this was back when online dating was just beginning, and I was on match.com. I sent a message to my future husband, Rick, and he responded the next morning. We chatted through instant messenger for a few weeks, and decided to meet.

The moment I saw him I knew he was the one. I had been searching, and searching for someone to love me, see me, and He did. Jesus reminded me that I have always loved you, and never left you. I mean, you can say the rest is history, we have been married for 15 years, and it feels like yesterday. It’s been the sweetest gift.

Linda:  What has your beautiful second marriage and motherhood taught you about God?

Tara:  My marriage to Rick has taught me that I am so loved, just as I am. In my brokenness. Rick has loved me through all the baggage. He never gave up on me. God is the same. There is nothing that I could do to escape His love. Surrendering my life to Him is the best choice I’ve ever made. God is the giver of all good. My two boys, Brayden (12), and Bentley (!0), are the sweetest treasure. They walk into a room, and all Berry piethe cares of the world are melted away.  hat is how much God loves me. He is so generous, patient, and forgiving.

Linda: One of my favorite scriptures is, “Be still and know that I am God,” (Psalm 46:10). What is the value in being still? How can we learn to trust the process of being still?

Tara: I am a doer, gooooo, goooo, goooo.  I always thought that the more I did, the more successful I’d be. A big ‘ole NO!! I picked up so many good things, but they weren’t HIS good. I didn’t realize this until so much later—actually it was through the writing process. Sitting with Him gave me the tools I needed to tackle the day.  nd, honestly, learning to just show up in love is what I learned was the best tool. I was always a planner and list maker. Yes, there are things that have to be done, but He’s already made a way.  I just need to show up and follow His lead and do the next right thing.

Linda: In what ways do we pour ingredients into our lives? What are some of the positive ingredients we should strive for?

Tara: We pour social media, to do lists, shopping, work, addictions,  striving for success into our lives, just to name a few. These things can be good for a bit. They soothe and comfort for a moment, but they don’t make things better. Pursuing quiet time with God through rest, praying, gardening, art, baking, or pursuing whatever gift He’s placed in your life and community are things we should pour into our lives.  These draw us closer to Him because we see Him in the details.

Linda: Where can we find out more about you, your book, and your delicious pies?

Tara: You can find more about me at tararoyersteele.com or social media @tararoyersteele or @royerspiehaven or @allthingsacres @royersroundtopcafe

woman in kitchen baking

 

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Filed Under: BOOKS, comfort, faith, God's goodness, Interviews, Love, New Directions, Uncategorized Tagged With: , , , , , ,

The Challenge of Letting Go

February 17, 2021 by Leave a Comment

Photo by Zac Durant

RESTORING A BROKEN MARRIAGE RELATIONSHIP encompasses a number of steps and heart changes along the way. But as I’ve walked beside people over the years, the most important one that takes place in an individual’s heart prior to the marriage actually being restored is when the one fighting for the marriage is able to truly let go and give it to God.

It’s hard to do though, and it’s not easy to understand.

I talk about it a lot, and as I think about it today, I remember a conversation I had years ago at a get-together with some women who were struggling through marital separation. One of the women whose marriage had already made tremendous progress toward healing, began talking about the importance of “letting go.”

The young woman beside me knit her brow with a perplexed expression and frowned. “I get right to the point of being able to let go,” she said, pinching her fingers together as though about to drop something, “and then . . . I just can’t do it.”

The woman next to her nodded. “That’s right. Me too. That’s how I am.”

An Image from The Lord of the Rings

My husband Marv and I had recently watched all three DVD’s of The Lord of the Rings movie, and as my friend spoke, my mind immediately conjured up the image of Frodo standing on the cliff at the end of the movie. He holds his hand over the edge of the precipice with the ring dangling at the end of the chain. Beneath, is the raging fire which has been his destination all through the movie. It is the one place where he can release the ring, see it destroyed, and with it destroy the evil that is taking over Middle Earth. All he has to do is release the ring and freedom can reign once again.

“That reminds me of the ending of The Lord of the Rings,” I said. “All through the movie Frodo has been besieged by the evil that the ring has brought to Middle Earth. He has witnessed again and again the destructive power of the ring and how it corrupts those who lust over it.  He’s seen the damage, the death, the devastation that it causes. And with amazing strength of character, he has persevered through all of that. He’s survived the struggle, the hardship, the temptation. He’s been willing to traverse the darkest lands and oppressive terrains and he’s endured the threats of horrendous creatures in order to get to the mountain where he can destroy the evil.  But when he gets to the very end, when he’s finally there, he stands at the edge of the cliff, dangling the ring at the end of the chain. He stares at it, but can’t let go.

Sam yells to him, “Let it GO! Just let GO!”

But he can’t.

The seductive power of the ring has taken hold.”

The Trouble with Surrendering and Letting Go

As we continued to talk that evening about the challenge of letting go, I shared with my friends how The Lord of the Rings presents a perfect visual image of the struggle we have with surrendering everything to God.

Like Frodo, we don’t want to lose control. The ring of power holds us captive. Even though it means our fleshly nature will reign instead of God’s will, we can’t put it all in God’s hands. The desire to be in control holds sway over us—especially when we’re afraid that if we let go, God might not do what we want Him to do.

How many times have I seen or heard from a woman or man whose greatest desire is to reunite with their spouse? They’ve gone through the anguish, they’ve suffered hardship to get things to change. But they are unable to surrender to God to let Him take care of it. We want to do it by ourselves, even though our own methods have already failed. We somehow think if we think about it enough, talk about it enough, remind our spouse enough times, things will somehow change. We’re locked in a pattern where we keep repeating the same actions. We’re traveling in circles, or worse, we’re pushing our spouse further away. We’re afraid if we put it in God’s hands, He’ll do something we won’t like. The fear of losing control, the desire to do it our own way keeps us in bondage. We can’t let go.

But God, who created us, who created our world, who is omnipotent and sees everything . . . understands what is happening; He has answers we don’t have. He knows our spouse inside and out, just like he also knows us. He can “work all things together for good to those who love Him and are called according to His purpose*” if we can surrender it all to Him and let go of having to control it ourselves.

First, however, we have to summon the inner strength to follow through so we can let go and trust Him. He is the Good that will banish evil. He is the Light that will shine in the darkness. He is the Word of God who will enlighten our understanding and point us in the right direction.

So as we stand on that precipice, holding that ring of power, we have to have the will, the faith, the strength to let it go.

Proverbs 3:5-6 tells us to, “Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make your paths straight.”

Seek first the kingdom of God and his righteousness and all these things will be added unto you (Mathew 6:33).

*(Rom. 8:28)

If your marriage is in trouble and you need to know how to fight for it, letting go is an important part of experiencing the victory. My books, Broken Heart on Hold and Fighting for Your Marriage while Separated can show you the path through the labyrinth of confusion so you can find the hope God has for you.

Nest week: Perhaps the hardest issue of all–infidelity.

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Filed Under: Divorce, faith, Hope, How to win, Letting go, Love, Marital separation, marriage, Marriage problems, Reconciliation, Surrendering to God, Trusting God, Trying to understand Tagged With: , , , , , , , ,

Men, Do You Know How To Fight for Your Marriage?

January 28, 2021 by Leave a Comment

Photo by Diego Fagundes

WHAT DOES A MAN DO when his wife threatens to leave or get a divorce? His marriage can still be saved – even after a separation, but there is a right way and a wrong way to do it.  Too often, men don’t know how to fight for their marriage and end up doing it the wrong way. But be encouraged! There is a right way to fight for your marriage, and with a little patience and soul searching, you have a good chance of turning things around. Below are two stories – the first  shows the wrong way to fight for your marriage; the second shows the right way.

DOING IT THE WRONG WAY

When Wayne’s wife told him she wanted to get a divorce, he was stunned. He never saw it coming. At first, he just didn’t believe her when she said she wanted a divorce. He knew she loved him and usually went along with what he wanted. She couldn’t be serious. So he sent her some flowers and told her he loved her.

When she wasn’t swayed from her decision and told him she indeed was serious and wanted a divorce, he spent some time in denial.  He would just go on as normal for awhile, and she’d get over it. But she didn’t get over it. She moved out.

Now he was angry. He went to her new apartment and argued with her, trying to persuade her to change her mind. He ridiculed her for wanting to run away from problems. But she didn’t back down. She asked him to leave.

Wayne was not used to losing. He was a born winner, and he would figure out how to get her to change her mind. He sent her flowers again, then bought her a lovely coat she’d been wanting.

She returned the coat and said she would be filing for divorce soon.

When he received the papers, he was devastated. But he wasn’t about to let her see his pain. No, he didn’t want a divorce, but he wasn’t going to crawl to her either.

He knew how to play this game, and he would win.

Gathering together all his male gutzpa, he decided he would simply show her she couldn’t win. He’d show her that without him, she would have a hard time surviving on her own. He’d show her who was boss. He hired an attorney and figured out how to squash her hopes of separating and divorcing by using every trick he could to keep her from getting any of his money. He fought to keep her from getting any of his retirement. He fought to deny her a share of his 401K. He fought to keep her from continuing on his insurance. Some fights he won, and some he lost. It was a nasty fight. And it became a nasty and bitter divorce—a divorce that DID take place despite his bitter determination.

When the divorce happened, reality set in for him. Suddenly, he realized he’d lost the love of his life. The fight was over, and she was gone. With the final decree, he was beside himself. How did this happen? How did he lose her? How would he go on without her? The pain he’d been holding back now had no place to go. He dissolved into a state of depression – sometimes trying to escape with a bottle, sometimes with other women, sometimes in a lonely state of grief. He even called her once, crying on the phone, telling her he loved her and wanted her back. But it was over. The divorce was final. She was moving on.

Occasionally, he tried to reach out to her with a note of apology, but now she didn’t even answer. His heart was broken, and it was years before he was able to move forward again.

A BETTER WAY TO FIGHT FOR YOUR MARRIAGE

When Seth’s wife told him she wanted a divorce, he was shocked. He never expected his loving and agreeable wife to want to leave him. He immediately questioned her, asked her why and what he could do to change her mind. She said there was nothing he could do, that it was too late for change, and she’d made up her mind.  Seth was devastated.

Although heartbroken, he took a step back from their situation and tried to get a fresh look. He talked to a pastor, a counselor, and a trusted Christian friend.  They advised him to trust God, to give his wife some space, and to ask God to show him the truth about what had been happening in his relationship with his wife. He turned to God in prayer, asking God for wisdom and direction. He found a couple of Christian books, and all the while, instead of chasing after his wife, he gave her some space.

As Seth searched the scriptures, read the books, and talked to his counselor, he began to see changes he needed to make in himself. He realized he’d been too controlling and too dismissive about his wife’s needs. He realized he hadn’t given her a voice in resolving conflicts and disagreements. He always won the arguments – or so he thought. But did he really win? Or did he just wear her out until she gave in to him?

As he recognized his failures, he wrote her a letter, apologizing to her for the many times he’d been insensitive to her and for railroading his own agenda instead of truly listening to her about her own needs and wants. Although she thanked him, she had no intention of changing course. She still wanted a divorce.

Seth was horribly discouraged, but his Christian friend as well as his counselor told him to give it time. That’s what the books said too. When he had contact with his wife, he didn’t press her or argue with her. Instead, he tried to encourage her and show her appreciation.  He suggested they go to counseling and when she refused, telling him it was over, he told her he understood he’d made a lot of mistakes, and she had reason to want to back away. But he also said he was trying to make changes, and he thought they could work it out if they went to counseling and trusted God for their marriage. He told her he didn’t want a divorce, and if she wanted it, she’d have to be the one to file.

She visited a lawyer and talked about filing, but time went by with very little change. Whenever they had contact, he tried to have a positive attitude. He offered to help her with her car when it broke down and took care of her cat when she went away to visit her parents in another state. He tried to be supportive of her.

One day he called her to tell her about a change in their insurance, and they ended up having a long conversation – not about their relationship or their future, but just about what each of them were doing. They soon began having other conversations by text and phone – congenial conversations about current events in their lives and the lives of their families.  Finally, in one of those conversations, Seth asked if she’d like to meet for coffee. She agreed, and gradually, they began to meet for other occasions – once to shop for a present for his sister who was having a baby, another time to catch one of their favorite music acts that had come to town. By this time, two years had gone by since his wife first said she wanted a divorce. They continued for several more months, having a merely friendly relationship – not talking about their marriage or their future together—just enjoying the times they spent together.

Finally, one day over coffee, his wife looked at him, and said, “You’ve changed.”

He felt his heart thumping inside of him. “Thank you,” he said. “God has been showing me some things I needed to see.” She smiled, and he smiled back. And then he said it. “Do you think there’s a chance we might be able to work this out?”

“Perhaps,” she said. “Maybe we should give it a try.”

These two stories are compilations from true stories that have happened to actual people. If your marriage is in crisis, I pray they will help you take an honest look at yourself so you can take a step back and move forward with God to bring positive change to your marriage.

If you want to fight for your marriage and avoid common pitfalls in order to save it, my book, Fighting for Your Marriage while Separated, will guide you through this difficult labyrinth of decision making and confusion so you can find the happy ending you are looking for.

Next week: Women: Do you know how to fight for your marriage?

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Filed Under: Divorce, Hope, How to win, Love, Marital separation, marriage, Marriage problems, men & women, Reconciliation, Uncategorized Tagged With: , , , , , , , , , , , ,

A Special Family Christmas Eve Service in Your Own Home

December 22, 2020 by Leave a Comment

Photo by Jose Antonio Hernandez

Since Christmas Eve services might look different this year and may even be non-existent in places where churches are closed, I want to offer you a sweet and meaningful alternative you can have in your own home. It’s the Family Christmas Eve service my parents did with my brother and I when we were growing up.

It became a treasured tradition I even carried into my own family when my husband and I had children of our own. In fact, we still do it today, even when we attend services at church. Many times our adult children and their children participate as well. Although the Christmas Eve services at church are always beautiful and meaningful, our folksy Christmas Eve service at home joins us together as a family in a personal celebration of the Christ child that took root in my soul as a child and imprinted cherished memories in my heart for a lifetime.

If you’re lamenting the loss of attending a Christmas Eve service, Covid doesn’t have to steal Christmas from you. In fact, it may launch a tradition you will treasure for years to come.

Family Christmas Eve Service

Leader: The service will begin with the youngest member of the family lighting the Christmas candle in honor of the Holy Christ Child.

(While the candle is being lit, read)

Leader: And Jesus said: “Suffer little children to come unto me, and forbid them not: for of such is the kingdom of God.  Verily I say unto you, whosoever shall not receive the kingdom of God as a little child shall not enter it.” (Luke 18:15-17)

Leader: Now we will read the Christmas story.  (Different members of the family will read different selections.)

Read:  Luke 2:1-7

Everyone sing:  “Away in a Manger”

Read:  Luke 2:8-14

Everyone sing: “Hark the Herald Angels Sing” and “The First Noel.”

Read:  Luke 2:15-20

Everyone sing:  “Oh Little Town of Bethlehem”

Read:  Matthew 2:1-12

Everyone sing:  “We Three Kings”

Leader: Now let us pray.

Prayer:

Oh precious Father of our Lord, who was born on this sacred day, and Father of mankind, a mankind that is not always aware of your constant presence, and Father of ours, we thank you this evening for the original Christmas gift that you gave, which awakened our hearts to Thy love and which gave us the loving Christmas spirit of giving which is at the very core of our Christmas tradition.  Thank you for the gift of your only Son whom You loved, but whom You gave for us because You so loved us.

Dear Father, help us to remember the true meaning of Christmas all through the Christmas season, even when horns are honking at us in the Christmas rush traffic, when shoppers jostle us or carelessly block our way when we are hurrying about our business.  Imbue us with the Christmas spirit at these times and on Christmas day when we are filled with the excitement of opening presents, eating turkey and Christmas goodies, and visiting with family and friends.

But most of all, help the Christmas season to be just a beginning to our New Year so that throughout the coming year we are filled with, and can spread to others, the Christmas spirit of love, joy, peace, hope and understanding.  Infiltrate our thoughts and our desires so that we will desire what you would have us desire and so that we will remember those who need us, our services, and our worldly goods.

Help us not to bypass anyone who we could help, nor say an unkind word to save our pride, but help us to live as Christ taught us to live and to remember His words, “Inasmuch as you have done it unto one of the least of these, you have done it unto me.”

Finally, dear Lord, give a peace to our souls so that in the stillness that You provide, we can block out the clamor, frustrations, and worries of the world sufficiently enough to be aware of Your constant presence, to hear Your voice, and to discover Your will for our lives.  And as each year passes, help our spirits to grow and mature so that in our final years our souls will be able to enter into Your heavenly glory, not as strangers, but as your true sons and daughters.

In the name of the holy Babe of Christmas we pray.  Amen

Everyone sing:  “Silent Night”

Leader: The oldest member of the family will extinguish the candle, ending the ceremony, but beginning a year of service to our newborn Lord.

*Suggested preparation: Put out one Christmas candle, find four Bibles (or pass one around and share), hand out song sheets for everyone. (lyrics can be found by clicking on song links above).

If you’re trying to hold together a broken family because of a troubled marriage, let my book, Fighting for Your Marriage while Separated, help you put it back together.

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Filed Under: Children, Christmas, faith, Jesus, joy, Love, parenting, Time with God, Uncategorized, Where is God? Tagged With: , , , , , , ,

You Are Loved

September 3, 2020 by 3 Comments

Sitting on the patio, I watched my dog Katie as she settled down into a patch of sunshine on the lawn.  She lifted her head and sniffed at the air, then rested her chin on one paw and closed her eyes. With one ear drooping in characteristic fashion and the sun gleaming on her red coat, she looked wonderfully content.

As I studied her, just laying there, no care in the world, I thought about how she served no real purpose in life. She was a sweet dog, but what did her life accomplish?

She was a life created by God simply because He decided He would create a demure, mild-tempered, but slightly neurotic dog with one floppy ear and one upright ear, who loved sniffing out as many smells as she could. God created Katie because He delighted in doing so—and He enjoyed her because she was his creation, just as he enjoyed the other living things he created. They may serve no deep purpose in the world, but if not, they weren’t meant to. They simply exist because they are God’s creation, and God enjoys His creations.

God’s delight in what He created is evident beginning in Genesis where it says: “God made the wild animals according to their kinds, the livestock according to their kinds, and all the creatures that move along the ground according to their kinds. And God saw that it was good.” (Genesis 1:25)

“It was good.”  God loves his creation.  Like the saying goes, “God doesn’t make no junk.”

As I continued watching Katie and contemplated this simple truth, I thought about myself and how I tend to feel that to be loved I must do something, I must perform, I must earn love.

And I realized this was just not true.

God loves us purely because we are His creation. God loves me simply because I am His. God loves you simply because YOU are His—not because of anything you have done or anything I have done or will do.

“I have loved you with an everlasting love” God declares in Jeremiah 31: 3

And the Psalmist says, “For the Lord takes delight in his people” (Psalm 149:4)

Over and over in the scriptures, we read of God’s love for us—His delight in us—even when we fail Him, even when we’re weak.

“How priceless is your unfailing love, O God! People take refuge in the shadow of your wings.” (Psalm 36:7)

“The Lord your God is with you, the Mighty Warrior who saves. He will take great delight in you; in his love he will no longer rebuke you, but will rejoice over you with singing.”  (Zephaniah 3:17)

I imagine many times you probably feel like I did—that you must earn love, that you are unworthy of love unless you do something significant.  If so, take a minute to bask in the sunshine of God’s unfailing and everlasting love. Turn your eyes to heaven, and your heart to the One who delights in you simply because you are His. Enjoy loving the true lover of your soul.

He doesn’t love us because we perform.  He doesn’t stop loving us when we do something wrong.  He just loves us.  We are his creation.

***

Yes, God loves you despite what is happening with your marriage or other relationships. If you need encouragement, I invite you to check out my book, Broken Heart on Hold, Surviving Separation.  It will be a friend to you whenever the circumstances of life are pulling you down.

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Filed Under: Feeling unworthy, God's goodness, Love, Searching for purpose, Uncategorized Tagged With: , , , ,

A Christian Response to Covid

July 29, 2020 by Leave a Comment

Photo by LN@younis67

When I was a youth, I remember often singing a popular song in church called, “They Will Know We Are Christians by Our Love.” It was a lovely reminder of the words of Jesus and often repeated by the apostles John and Paul that, as Christians, we are to share God’s love, and through our love for others we will shine a light in this dark world.

During the last five months when the world has been in crisis and people are hurting, we as Christians have had a unique opportunity to step into the gap of fear and uncertainty to share Christ’s love. And many have done that. Christian churches and ministries around the country have poured out God’s love by distributing food and financial help to those who have been adversely impacted by the virus. Some such as Samaritan’s Purse even set up tents in New York City and Italy to provide medical assistance when the pandemic first raged uncontrollably.

A Guiding Light Through Covid

These are difficult days in our country and in our world, and as people look for help and hope to guide them through the fear and uncertainty of unprecedented times, we as Christians have an opportunity to be salt and light to the world and lead people to Christ through our love and concern.

And in so many ways Christians are doing just that.

But on one issue, Christians may need to take a second look about whether we are acting out of love or missing an opportunity to demonstrate that love to protect the vulnerable. A controversy has arisen that seems to have diverted our attention from the more important mission Jesus gave us to love our neighbors. And that is about whether or not to wear masks.What should our response be on this issue? What should guide us?

We all have our preferences. We have our rights. But as those who live in this world but are not of this world, what should be our guiding light? Are we taking advantage of the opportunity to provide guidance through what God has taught us through the scriptures? Are we ourselves looking for guidance from the scriptures? It’s all right there in God’s Word – our prescription for how to work through confusing and troubling times and handle disputes. For me personally, it’s the only thing that helps me discern the right direction in difficult times.

Getting Direction from Scripture

So, if you will give me the privilege of sharing some scriptures with you, let’s look at some of them together to try to get perspective.

When disputes come about, Romans 12:10 tells us to “Honor one another above yourselves.” Likewise, Philippians 2:3-4 tells us, “In humility consider others better than yourselves. Each of you should look not only to your own interests, but also to the interests of others.” And Colossians 3:12-13 says, “as God’s chosen people, holy and dearly loved, clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness, and patience. Bear with each other . . . .”

As we consider those who are fearful about this virus, shouldn’t we as Christians take their concerns seriously? Even if you are one who believes the threat is not as great as the world asserts, Romans 15:1-2 says, “We who are strong ought to bear with the failings of the weak and not to please ourselves. Each of us should please his neighbor for his good, to build him up.” For those who feel safer when masks are worn—even if it seems unnecessary to you, why not go the extra mile to show them love and concern?  We have an opportunity to really be the church, to be the body of Christ, to speak with one heart – a heart of love to protect the vulnerable and show the world the love of Christ.

“If it is possible,” says Romans 12:18, “as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone.”  Romans 14:29 says, “Let us therefore make every effort to do what leads to peace and mutual edification.”

Paul sums up his plea for unity with these words in Romans 15:5-7. “May the God who gives endurance and encouragement give you a spirit of unity among yourselves as you follow Christ Jesus, so that with one heart and mouth you may glorify the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ. Accept one another, then, just as Christ accepted you, in order to bring praise to God.”

Bringing Us Together or Tearing Us Apart

Isn’t this what we all want as Christians? To bring praise and glory to God? Is our controversy over masks doing that? Or is it pulling us apart and giving the world a fractured picture of who we are that does not glorify His name?

Over and over again we are reminded in scripture that LOVE is what God asks of us. As right as we might be in other areas of our Christian life, LOVE is the most important. “If I have the gift of prophecy and all knowledge and if I have a faith that moves mountains, but have not love, I am nothing.” (1 Cor: 13:2.)

It’s been a rough few months with lots of change, discomfort and anxiety. Nobody knows what’s really going on. There are promising cures being discussed, but until the medical community comes together on them, there is not a recognized solution we can all rely on. It’s confusing. Some have doubts and questions about what’s happening in our culture and what impact this can have. Legitimate questions abound. But which of us truly has the answer?  “For by the grace given to me,” Paul says in Romans 12:3, “I say to every one of you: Do not think of yourself more highly than you ought, but rather think  of yourself with sober judgement in accordance with the measure of faith God has given you . . . in Christ we who are many form one body . . . .”

Having a humble attitude, looking at others as better than ourselves, protecting the weak and vulnerable, loving others as ourselves, and “living in harmony with one another” is a good way to start. While we need to keep our eyes open and be “wise as serpents”, we also need to be “harmless as doves” (Matthew 10:16) so we can give off that sweet aroma of Jesus that draws people to Him.  (Ephesians 5:2)

There are many important issues we as Christians need to address in our culture where we need to take a stand, and we need to be careful not to waste the capital of our credibility and influence on something that boils down to a matter of preference. We are, after all, told in scripture to “submit . . . to the governing authorities.” (Romans 12:1). If we are to protest governmental decisions and actions, let’s choose our battles and fight for God’s priorities, not our own. This period of uneasiness in our world is a time for us to join together to extend love to our communities, to offer hope, and show concern and compassion.

Perhaps hardest of all, even if we can accept the above instructions from our Lord, is to do what Paul tells us to do in Philippians 2:14-16, but it’s also the most rewarding. “Do everything without complaining or arguing, so that you may become blameless and pure, children of God without fault in a crooked and depraved generation, in which you shine like stars in the universe as you hold out the word of life—in order that I may boast on the day of Christ . . .”

And in the midst of all this, we need to support our pastors who are trying to do a juggling act by balancing the concerns of everyone in their congregations.  Let us “live in harmony with one another,” says Romans 12:16, and we can start by doing this in our very own churches.

“Dear children, let us not love with words or tongue but with actions and in truth.” 1 John 3:18

“Walk in love, as Christ also has loved us and given Himself for us, an offering and a sacrifice to God for a sweet-smelling aroma.” (Ephesians 5:2)

Do you remember this song?

They Will Know We Are Christians By Our Love.

You can listen here.

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Filed Under: Conflict, Evangelism, Fear, God's Word, health, health issues, national concerns, Peace, Reconciliation Tagged With: , , , , ,

Finding a Deeper Love

February 12, 2020 by Leave a Comment

As February 14 approaches so does Valentine Day.  It’s all about hearts and flowers and love. In every store we see Valentine cards, heart-shaped boxes of chocolates, and huggy stuffed bears saying, “I love you.”

It’s a happy, fun time for many and an opportunity to celebrate that special person in your life. But for some of you the advent of Valentine’s Day magnifies the pain that already eats away at your heart.  Focusing on love is the last thing you want to do.

If that’s where you are today, raise your eyes above the frills and flowery language. Let your heart rest in a prayer to the One who will love you forever.

The human love we experience here on earth is a mere shadow of the deep and eternal love that will never disappoint and always hold us close. By looking up instead of inward, we can chase away those fears of rejection by earthly lovers and embrace the true lover of our souls.

The author of love stands ready to enfold us in His arms. He is always ready to give and receive our love. He will never leave us. His is the pure, unconditional love we long for, but will never find on this earth among fallen humankind.

Who else would pursue us through eternity to give us life by subjecting Himself to his own death?  Who else is so intent on giving us joy that He would take upon Himself intense sorrow and pain so we can live with Him forever?

Not only will he never leave us, He has literally turned the world upside down so we can be with Him. He longs to be with us so we can enter into the wonder of an eternity He has prepared for us.

In the book of Ephesians, Paul pleads for us to understand this when he says: “I pray that Christ will be more and more at home in your hearts, living within you as you trust in him. May your roots go down deep into the soil of God’s marvelous love; and may you be able to feel and understand, as all God’s children should, how long, how wide, how deep, and how high his love really is; and to experience this love for yourselves, though it is so great that you will never see the end of it or fully know or understand it. And so at last you will be filled up with God himself.”  (Ephesians 3:17-19 Living Bible)

Cling now to these words. Fill your mind up with this incredible truth. Open your heart to Paul’s prayer in Ephesians and accept God’s deep and wondrous love that is meant for YOU.

Can you truly wrap your mind around, “How long, how wide, how deep, and how high [Christ’s] love really is?”  How amazing this is!  How incomprehensible. This Valentine’s Day meditate on these words.  Let God’s deep love embrace you.

If you look up instead of inward, as my grandchildren often say, “It may be the best Valentine’s Day ever.”

But God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us. (Romans 5:8)

* * *

If Valentine’s Day is a hard day for you because of a marriage that is broken, my new book, Fighting for Your Marriage while Separated, may give you the hope you need to regain the love you thought you’d lost.

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Filed Under: disappointment, Feeling unworthy, joy, Love, Uncategorized, Valentine's Day Tagged With: , ,

When the “Merry” Has Disappeared from Christmas

December 18, 2019 by Leave a Comment

Christmas seems to have fully arrived. You see it everywhere you go. Festive displays glisten on the main streets of town. Lights sparkle throughout the neighborhood.  The words Merry Christmas and Happy Holiday greet you continually.

But for many of you the “merry” has disappeared from Christmas this year.  Things are different, and a “Merry Christmas” greeting has a hollow ring. Your heart is heavy with the idea of how you will even “get through” Christmas. This isn’t the Christmas you wanted. This isn’t the way it’s supposed to be. The sparkle and laughter are gone as memories of Christmases past assault your heart, and anxiety nibbles at future hopes and dreams.

When gloom hangs over our lives, however, we may discover within ourselves a more natural yearning to peer into the reality of the Christmas we celebrate. As we put aside the glamour, it becomes easier to travel back to how it all began—before the sparkle, before the happy music, before the hustle and bustle of Christmas shopping.

There was hustle and bustle on that day, but not of people shopping; it was the descending of large numbers of people upon a small town, all trying to find the basic comforts of a place to stay and something to eat. We see a young woman, nine months pregnant riding a donkey. Can you imagine riding 80 miles on a donkey when you are nine months pregnant? And when she was ready to deliver her baby, who was the Son of the eternal God, she couldn’t even find a decent place to stay. Imagine having to deliver your baby in a smelly stable!

And that is how God came to us – not in a convenient, clean, easy way, but through tough and challenging circumstances. No warm, fine bed for Mary, the mother of God, no fragrant rooms, no support of family and friends who were far away and may have even questioned her virtue and the conception of this baby. No, God came to us in the midst of doubt, confusion, political unrest, and physical hardship. When God sent his Son to be born on this earth, he didn’t clear an easy path for him. He didn’t have a room waiting in Bethlehem. It was hard.

And, oftentimes, that is the way God still comes to us.  In the distractions of active lives, we are often too busy to notice God’s presence. We may have thought we had everything figured out ourselves – that we’d surely find a room in Bethlehem.  We never expected to have to stay in a smelly stable.  We still can’t figure out why things have turned out the way they have.

But, cradled on a bed of hay, in the middle of the odors and pain, we see a tiny baby, the gift of God’s love. It was the first time God was visible to mankind. And in the midst of the difficulties of your life, God has come to show you Himself. It is sometimes only when these other things are stripped away that our eyes are fully opened and we see beyond the glitter into the glory where finally we see Christmas. Perhaps for the first time, the invisible God becomes visible in our eyes, and we see Jesus himself.

God has come to love you with a love you will not find anywhere else—not in a husband or wife, not a parent or a child or a friend. God’s love will not fail you. It is unconditional and everlasting. He will not always show you a clear, easy path to your destination. But He will be with you and guide you, and at just the right time, He may prompt the wife of an innkeeper to say, “I have a place for you. I have an answer. There’s a stable out back…”

His ways are not our ways. His thoughts are higher than ours. He has a plan that is beyond anything we can see. When we take hold of God, we move beyond the barriers of our finite understanding into the reaches of God’s eternal purposes. Eternity is within our grasp. We become a part of His story.

Two thousand years ago, Mary and Joseph didn’t hear the refrains of Silent Night as they gathered clean straw to make a bed for Mary to bear a child; they didn’t see the picturesque setting of a child being born in a manger as they settled down among the animals. It was hard.

But God came to them in the middle of these difficult circumstances, not just for them, but for us.  Jesus was born into our world and into our lives.  And this is the Christmas we celebrate…a Christmas born in hardship, but wrapped in holiness and love, extending through all the ages of the earth into the glories and wonders of eternity.

If the “merry” has disappeared from your Christmas, may God’s blessings shine through the midst of your circumstances and give you a deep joy and peace that rises high above and beyond your understanding.

*  * *

And if the merry has disappeared from your Christmas because of a marriage in crisis, you can find hope and healing in my books Broken Heart on Hold and Fighting for Your Marriage while Separated.

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Filed Under: Christmas, Depression, Expectations, faith, Jesus, Knowing God, Problems, Receiving Christ, Trusting God, Uncategorized, Where is God? Tagged With: , , , , , , , , ,

How God Transformed Our Failing Marriage

November 20, 2019 by Leave a Comment

Guest Post by Jennifer Slattery

Photo by Frank McKenna

Back when my husband proposed to me, I didn’t think about how hard marriage would be. Honestly I didn’t think at all. I was swept up in the romance as this sweet man knelt before me, rose in hand, promising to love me for the rest of his life. Actually I’m not sure he even said that. If my memory is correct, he asked, “Do you want to marry me,” and I said yes. We didn’t talk about commitment, the strain of merging two very diverse lives, or any of the other problems we came to face after.

I was young, naïve, and had no idea the work, humility, and the growth it would require to join two lives. I also didn’t realize how completely ill-equipped and ill-prepared I was. I discovered very quickly through a nearly failed marriage that I couldn’t love my husband well in my own wisdom and strength. Half the time, I didn’t even have the gumption to try. I was too focused on myself, too filled with pride and insecurity, to create the type of relationship I longed for.

Although I tried. I followed plans and read books and cajoled and pestered and begged. And prayed, oh, I did a lot of praying—that God would change my husband. Because, you see, I was convinced our mess was entirely his fault. If only he weren’t so selfish or prideful or distracted, if only he spent more time at home, or talked more. . . .  I had quite a list, one I perpetually reviewed but we never seemed to progress toward resolving.

Eventually, in fact, before my daughter‘s fourth birthday, my husband and I found ourselves sitting in a divorce lawyers office, ready to end it all. Neither one of us wanted to be there, but we hadn’t a clue how to unravel the tangle of hurt and distrust we’d created in our now failing marriage.

That evening, I left frustrated with myself, with the the state of our failing marriage, with the prospect of a shattered family, and angry with God. I knew divorce wasn’t His will. Therefore, I determined He wanted me to remain miserable for the rest of my life.

A few nights later, while my husband worked the graveyard shift and my daughter lay upstairs sleeping, I sat in a dark, silent living room, feeling completely alone. Not just alone, but trapped in my loneliness. “God, I give up,” I said. “I can’t do this anymore.”

Though at the time my words were more flippant than heartfelt, God answered, and He began to turn things around. He helped me connect with some strong Christian women—and disconnect from some perpetually unhappy ones who soured the way I viewed my life. But even more importantly, He drew me closer to Himself and shifted my focus off my husband and my failing marriage and onto Christ and myself.

First, He zeroed my gaze on my Savior. He reminded me of the depth of His love and care, of what He’d endured for me. In this, He helped me understand I was to love my husband, first and foremost, out of love for Him. On particularly tense days, when our arguments seemed to outnumber our smiles, I may not have felt my husband deserved anything from me, but Christ deserved my all, my full surrender.

Second, He showed me all the transformational work He longed to do within me. As I sat there in His presence, my heart laid bear before Him, He spoke tenderly to my soul—words of wisdom and insight, and often, conviction. In the light of His grace, as I began to set all my finger pointing aside, clarity came. I realized, yes, my husband had room to grow, but so did I.

God wanted me to focus on growing into the wife and mother He created me to be, entrusting my husband to Him.

And so I did. Surrendering my hurt, my wisdom, and my husband to my Father wasn’t easy, but it was freeing. And healing. Healing for me and our marriage. The more I released my grip, it seemed, the more of God’s power was unleashed within me.

The power to hold my tongue when angry words fought to come out.

The power to see good when everything around me felt hard.

The power to forgive when seeds of bitterness tried to grow.

The power to trust.

The power to love.

The power to hope.

That was over twenty years ago, and God has done amazing things within each of our hearts. I can honestly say, we’re closer than we’ve ever been. Those arguments that used to occur daily are now rare, and they are much shorter lived. The hurt? Gone. And in its place, love—enduring, inconquerable, love. Not because we said or did the right thing or figured this whole relationship dance out, but rather because we surrendered to the One who had. The One who formed us, who loved us, and fought for us.

Can you identify with Jennifer? If you feel you have a failing marriage, what steps do you feel God wants you to take next?

Jennifer Slattery is a writer and international speaker with a passion for helping women discover, embrace, and live out who they are in Christ. As the founder of Wholly Love Ministries, she and her team partner with churches to facilitate events designed to help women rest in their true worth and live with maximum impact. She maintains a devotional blog found at Jennifer Slattery Lives Out Loud and on Crosswalk. Connect with her on Facebook, Instagram, and Twitter. When not writing, reading, or editing, Jennifer loves going on mall dates with her adult daughter and coffee dates with her hilariously fun husband. Contact her HERE to book her for your next women’s event.

Hometown Healing:by Jennifer Slattery  – She’s home again, but not for long…
Unless this cowboy recaptures her heart

 

If you have a failing marriage, find hope and help in my new book, Fighting for Your Marriage while Separated, A Practical Guide for the Brokenhearted. by Linda W. Rooks.

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Filed Under: disappointment, Expectations, Letting go, Love, marriage, Marriage problems, New Directions, Reconciliation, Surrendering to God, Uncategorized Tagged With: , , , , , , , ,
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