With our recent celebration of the 4th of July, fond thoughts still linger on the brave men and women who have fought to make America free. Many of these military families have unique challenges on the home front as well as the battlefield. Through their two books, Called to Serve and Honored to Serve, Penny Monetti and her husband Lt. Col. Tony Monetti encourage both military and civilian families by providing combat care, recovery, and stress management for trauma and crisis victims. Penny is a Marriage Life Coach, is certified in the neuroscience of anxiety and mood disorders, and serves on Missouri Congresswoman’s Military Advisory Board.

Linda: What motivated you to write books that inspire both military members and civilians to overcome life’s tough challenges?

Penny: Living the military life as an Air Force B-2 bomber pilot’s wife and serving from the home front has truly been an honor. Along with changing addresses as often as a smoke detector changes batteries and forging lifelong friendships with people world wide, I also experienced other unique military-related challenges. Numerous times my husband informed me that he was leaving due to military missions. He could not tell me where or for how long. With young children in tow, I waved my husband off to combat or dangerous exercises, not knowing if and when he would return.

As boxes were packed for the thirteenth move, I reassured my children that they would make new friends again. I witnessed and experienced the collateral damage that combat places on families after war comes home.

Then, as our once seemingly perfect marriage went south, and I became transparent about my marital fires, I discovered the vast expanse of others whose outwardly strong relationships were inwardly dying. These diverse life experiences sparked a burning desire to help fellow military members overcome personal battles and reignite the love in their relationships. However, I surprisingly discovered readers, unaffiliated with military life, also related with our stories, such as couples, single parents, truck drivers, and others whose jobs required travel away from home.

After sharing painful issues such as pornography, temptations, destructive behaviors, and neglecting each others’ unmet needs, my husband Tony and I realized we could inspire others who felt lost, desperate, and as hopeless as we once did.

Many people currently live a life void of joy; they are unaware that the powerful life-changing tools reside within themselves. I believe that God used my painful experiences for His purpose to help others’ marriages not only survive pain but thrive because of pain.

Staying in a Painful Relationship

Linda: If pain prevailed in your relationship, could you tell us why you decided to fight to save it? Was there a defining moment you decided to stick it out?

Penny: At one point Tony and I were living at opposite ends of the house to avoid fighting. Our feelings of love seemingly disappeared. During this time, I read an inspirational book that a friend coincidentally gave me. When the book’s main character recounted her married history, my icy heart melted. I reflected on my own marriage. Tony and I had shared births and the death of our unborn child together. We experienced first steps, 2:00 a.m. fevers, Little League, and piano recitals. We survived wars, served community and country, wiped tears, and built a strong family. At one time, we were each others’ best friends. We couldn’t lose that.

I set the tear-stained book on my nightstand and grabbed my laptop computer. Tony was in London serving as the keynote speaker at a week-long aviation symposium. My mom was visiting me. With childcare taken care of, I decided to prove my commitment to Tony through extreme action. I clicked on a travel site and booked a flight the following day (worth a college semester’s tuition) to Great Britain. For the first time, I understood the “for worse” part of the marriage vows. I promised God to love my husband even when the worldly kingdom’s easy answer would be to bail out. As I clicked on the airline’s submit button to purchase the ticket, I truly submitted my marriage to God.

Just because I decided to be obedient to my vows, feelings of love did not magically reappear. Tough times awaited me; however, I hoped that with God’s powerful guidance, we could find our way back to each other and the love we once shared. The rest of this defining experience is included in Called to Serve and for me; it is our most powerful story. Although I couldn’t see it then, I can now look back and see that when I was at the darkest, weakest point in my life, God revealed His strength, turning my pain into His wonderful purpose.

Dealing with Pain

Linda: So are you saying pain can be good?

Penny: Face it. No one raises their hands in the Suffering 101 class shouting, “Pick me. Pick me!”

However, life’s inevitable trials serve a purpose if we choose to view them as a catalyst for growth. Pain serves as a messenger to thwart destructive threats. Our body’s pain receptors message the brain to reflexively remove ourself from danger to avoid further injury.

However, too often, we view pain as the enemy. We will do anything and everything to avoid pain. We down pills and alcohol to numb it. We secretly search for better relationships in person or via social media to escape it. We disassociate from people and experiences that trigger memories of it. We overwork, over commit, and over indulge to deflect it.

Instead of avoiding pain, if we allow ourselves to experience its message, we open doors to the life changing lessons it holds. God does not instruct us to avoid pain; instead he states the opposite. He says that we WILL suffer, yet, He will be at our side. Isaiah 43: 1-3 says, “Fear not… you are mine. When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and through the rivers, they shall not overwhelm you; when you walk through fire you shall not be burned, and the flame shall not consume you (ESV, emphasis mine).

Growth, healing, and a rich marriage relationship occurred because of the painful fires we traveled. When we could not depend on each other, we focused on God, who became a mirror that enabled us to view ourselves as we really are—broken, unworthy sinners in need of a Savior. When we both submitted to God’s control, He began molding our marriage into the union He intended it to be. Proverbs 25:4 says, “Purge the dross from the silver, and material for a vessel comes forth for the silversmith (ISV). Dross is an impure by-product that is purged from silver when placed in a scorching hot furnace, over 600 degrees hot. The dross, also referred to as scum, rises to the top and the refiner removes it so the malleable silver can be molded into a beautiful vessel. Relational scum blocked us from experiencing a deeper, richer, beautiful union. God knew the degrees of refining heat required to render our relationship pure.

Verbal and Physical Abuse in Marriage

Linda: As a professional marriage life coach who specializes in stress management for trauma and crisis victims, what advice do you have if verbal or physical abuse is present?

Penny: I see clients weekly who live in physically or verbally abusive relationships. Many are concerned about remaining obedient to their marital vows and God’s precepts. My advice is this: Never remain in a threatening environment. Protect children and self first.

After the crisis passes, convey to your spouse that protecting the family is necessary, and leaving a dangerous situation is not equivalent to giving up on the relationship. Communicate that you want your spouse in your life, but needs to get healthy for your family come first. Set boundaries and seek to restore the relationship within strict parameters of professional guidance. If both parties are willing, hope exists.

Linda: What advice can you offer to someone who is walking through the fires of a separation?

Penny: While experiencing any stressful life situation, I advocate that individuals practice PMS: the kind you WANT to have. PMS is physical, mental and spiritual balance. Visualize this acronym as a three-legged stool. If one leg is missing, the stool tumbles. To make good mental decisions and be the best partner and parent, incorporate PMS into daily living.

Physical, Mental and Spiritual Balance in Stressful Times

Linda: Could you explain PMS a little more?

Penny: Certainly. Here’s a brief overview.

Physical– Twenty minutes of cardio exercise/day release endorphins and dopamine. These neurotransmitters play a key role in reducing anxiety and depression. According to Mayo clinic, endorphins’ effect on physical pain may be as effective as a dose of morphine. Endorphins are also known to have an anti-aging affect on the body.

Mental– Keep it positive. Surround yourself with supportive friends who encourage. Reduce negative influences that are energy vampires. You know who they are; their high maintenance friendships suck the life from you. Don’t de-friend them on Facebook; however, set boundaries. Focus your energies on encouraging friends.

Add positive self-talk into your inner dialogue, and say positive affirmations OUT LOUD, while including your name, at least three times daily. For instance, “(State your name) is compassionate and a loyal friend.” By listening to positive self-talk, your auditory neural pathways connect with cognitive thoughts and rewire the brain from obsessive self-defeating thoughts to hopeful thinking. After twenty-one days, this action will become a habit.

Spiritual – Studies indicate that prayer and meditation also redirect the brain’s neural pathways responsible for rumination and decreases depression and anxiety. Research shows that less than 1% of married couples who pray together divorce. Pretty amazing when the reported divorce rate is 52%.

Linda: What would you like the readers to take away from this interview?

Penny: If you don’t remember anything else, remember: love is a choice not a feeling. You chose to say I do, and when you vowed love to your spouse, you not only committed your marriage to each other, but also to God. Feelings of love during your marriage may fade, but His love remains steadfast. He promises that when we are weak, He is strong. When two individuals commit to abide in His love, all things are possible.

Linda: Where can readers find more information about you and your ministry?

Penny: The book is presently on sale and can be found at: https://dhp.org/dhp-pages/font-color-red-i-called-to-serve-i-and-i-honored-to-serve-i-font.html Readers can find more about our military ministry on Pennymonetti.com.