Thirteen Things We May Have Learned In Quarantine

May 19, 2020 by Leave a Comment

Photo by Umit Bulut

Now that parts of the country are beginning to open up again, and before we move too fast to getting back to “normal,” perhaps it would be good to reflect on what we’ve learned during this time of quarantine.

Only few times in history has the entire world suffered through the same experience at the same time, but 2020 will long be remembered as a time when we all knew the fear and anxiety of a worldwide pandemic that arbitrarily claims lives. It will also be remembered as a time when we all were cloistered within our homes with few interactions with those outside our immediate family.

As tragic as this situation has been for many, I believe in every situation—good or bad, we have an opportunity to learn something that will grow us into stronger and better individuals.

So what have we learned during this quarantine?

  1. One of the happiest sights I’ve seen during this time of isolation are families strolling through the neighborhood, talking and laughing together. Moms and Dads and their kids are spending time with each other in large chunks of both quantity and quality time. It’s been an opportunity to get to know and enjoy the individuals living in our own house. Without the outside interference, the nuclear family is sharing new experiences together. Perhaps this time of quarantine has even created unique and special memories for our children.
  2. And how about the joy of spending time outside! With gyms closed, we’re learning to enjoy nature by running, walking, and biking instead of going to the gym. While in quarantine, I’ve been reading a book about having a healthier brain. In this book, author Timothy R. Jennings, M.D. sites studies, showing that spending time in nature provides multiple healthy benefits. Beyond that though, these studies also show that “exercise conducted outdoors rather than indoors appears to have a more robust heath benefit.” He goes on to cite research that shows how physical exercise conducted outdoors instead of indoors results in lower rates of depression, improvement in self-esteem and mood, as well as benefits in such things as heart rate, blood pressure, autonomic response and endocrine markers. Something to remember when gyms open up again and life resumes its usual pace.
  3. Learning to appreciate the luxury of going to the grocery store and finding anything we want on the shelves. Not every country has this luxury. Here in the U.S. we are so blessed as a nation in simply being able to go to the store, knowing we can find whatever we’re in the mood for. Having now gone through a time when many shelves were bare during the quarantine, let’s remember this lesson when we return to normal and be thankful for the many advantages we have in this country instead of dwelling on what we don’t have.
  4. Learning to appreciate our jobs and getting a paycheck. We might complain about them at times, but when they’re taken away from us, we realize how fortunate we truly are. We may not be as rich as some of our friends or someone we see on TV, but by having a job, we are able to support ourselves and our family.
  5. Since neighbors are the only people we really get to see, we are getting a chance to know them a little better – even if it’s only a social-distancing safe encounter. Continuing to foster these friendships with neighbors when the quarantine is over can strengthen our sense of community.
  6. Appreciating technology. This is a big one for me because I often complain about it. However, without the amazing advances of technology we would have no way to communicate with the outside world during this time of isolation. How thankful I am for it now so we are not completely shut off from friends and family who live apart from us.
  7. However, we are also learning that communicating through technology is not as satisfying as communicating with people in person. We have particularly found that online learning is not as successful as learning in the classroom. Seeing how many students struggle with classes, time management, and staying focused with distance learning, we realize more than ever the significance of a teacher’s role in a child’s learning experience. Having a real live, present teacher to interact with and respond to is so much more rewarding than staring at a computer screen even if there’s a talking head on the other end. I think we’ve learned that we are social creatures after all.
  8. Because of fewer visits to the grocery store, some of us may be learning to do a better job of conserving food and using leftovers. Knowing I can’t immediately go to the store to replenish ingredients makes me stretch the food I already have so it lasts longer. A recent study of the habits of 2,000 Americans showed that the average American wastes 103 pounds of food per year. Perhaps being quarantined has helped us learn to manage our food more carefully, frugally, and creatively.
  9. For those of us who are a little more industrious, we may be celebrating the chance to use the extra time to clean out closets or drawers or even our garage. (My hand is going up here.) Having to stay home has provided a good opportunity to finish up projects or start one we’ve had to put off because of our usual busyness.
  10. We may also be realizing the importance of validating elderly parents and grandparents with our visits. One of the saddest things for me during this season of COVID 19 is seeing those in nursing homes and assisted living facilities living in isolation without visits from family and friends or even congregating together for meals and activities. Remembering my own mother when she lived in a nursing home for a time, I know how important my daily visits were to her. I can’t imagine her mental and emotional health could have survived months of isolation. My prayer is that those who care for the elderly in these facilities will soon be given plans to bring relief to the loneliness of their charges. I pray also that each of us will value our elderly relatives more than ever and shower them with our love and attention when things return to normal.
  11. Children have learned things too. During the quarantine, they’ve been able to use their free time to rediscover the fun of imaginative play and creative ventures like building forts, playing make believe, making crafts, or reading books for pleasure and discovering board games and puzzles with family.
  12. And, of course, we’ve learned the importance of  washing our hands for 20 seconds on a regular basis. Because it’s hard to tick off the seconds correctly, I recently learned that singing the Doxology while washing your hands is a good reminder of how to measure the time. It’s also a good reminder to continually lift our voices in praise to our loving Father throughout the day. Here’s a quick reminder of the words: “Praise God from whom all blessings flow. Praise Him all creatures here below. Praise Father, Son, and Holy Ghost. Amen.” If you just read that, it should have been a 20 second read! You might remember that next time you wash your hands.
  13. And this brings us to perhaps the most significant question many of us have dealt with during this time—the question of our mortality. As we’ve watched the COVID 19 death toll rising each day, we realize death is a part of life. Our own mortality stares us in the face each time the news reports peel off the new statistics. Because of this, we’re perhaps more aware of the finiteness of life, our limited time on earth, and the frailty of our individual lives. Prayer and thoughts of God and eternity may hover a little longer in our minds. We indeed are finite creatures, small in the context of a larger universe. But this needn’t bring fear when we open our hearts and minds to the sovereignty of a God who loves us and designed us to be in fellowship and relationship with Him. He has a plan for us, a future for us, and when we submit ourselves to His love, our lives can become richer and fuller as we walk toward the eternity He prepared for us through the gift of His son.

In each event of life—both good and bad—I see the truth of God’s promise in Romans 8:28: “All things work together for good for those who love God and are called according to His purpose.” I believe that this is even true in the days of COVID 19. In spite of the difficulties of this time, God can use it for our good and His purposes when we come to Him with open hearts and minds.

What have you learned in quarantine? I’d love to hear about your experiences.

If this quarantine has been strained because of a marriage in trouble, my new book, Fighting for Your Marriage while Separated might help you take the next best step.

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Ambushed by Glory in My Grief, Interview with Author Rebecca Carpenter

May 7, 2020 by Leave a Comment

As I begin this interview with author Rebecca Carpenter, over 68,000 people are reported to have died from Covid 19 in the United States and over 259,000 throughout the world. The subject of dying is not far from our minds. But for some of us the subject is far too personal. Loved ones have died, and whether or not they died from Covid 19 or another cause, they have been taken from us. We grieve for them.

When Rebecca Carpenter’s husband died six years ago, she grieved also, but in the midst of her grief God brought a comfort to her she didn’t expect. Her book, Ambushed by Glory in My Grief, has brought comfort and solace to many, and I pray it can also comfort some of you who have lost loved ones.

Linda: Rebecca, what prompted you to write a book on grief?  

Rebecca: I certainly didn’t plan to write a book about grief. For years, I wrote devotionals about nature and articles for my church, magazines, and anthologies. Sometimes I sent emails of my work and printed out stories for friends. When people commented that they enjoyed reading my writings, my son set up a blog for me.

After I retired, I spent hours on my patio watching wildlife and getting ideas for my devotionals. My husband Alan and I traveled around the world so I also wrote about our trips. He constantly encouraged me to write. My parents often told me how much they liked what I wrote.

Difficult situations changed my life. Mother’s health deteriorated. Leukemia, diabetes, and other health issues curtailed her normally active life.

Not long after that, Alan learned he had idiopathic pulmonary fibrosis. For a while his symptoms were mild. But they increased and our traveling stopped. Even normal daily activities wore him out. Except for doctor visits, he stayed home.

While I dealt with both of them, my dad’s health also declined. For years, he fought to regain strength after heart surgeries, knee surgeries, cancer and multiple other health problems. But when constantly visiting my mom in the nursing home, he had multiple strokes and never fully recovered from the major ones.

My life consisted of caring for Alan and taking care of financial and health matters for my parents. Stress joined me every day. Writing provided a release for my pain and grief at knowing I was losing them.

Within eleven months, all three passed away. Writing every day helped me deal with my losses. When I shared my writings, friends told me to put my devotionals into a book.

At first I resisted because writing a book seemed overwhelming.  But over and over, I heard I should do it. Finally, I felt God telling me the book would help others who were grieving. Only then did I realize I had to do it and God would help me.

Since Alan, mom and dad had encouraged me to write, I felt a book on grief would be a tribute to them.

Linda: Why did you choose the title Ambushed by Glory in My Grief? 

When I was mourning the loss of my husband, my mom, and my dad, God often showed up in wonderful but unexpected ways. 

At times, I felt foggy and unfocused. Just when I thought I was handling grief well, a memory, song or situation threw me back into sadness and tears. It helped just to discover my feelings were normal, which I learned by attending Griefshare, a Christian support group for people who are grieving. At Griefshare, I learned grief ambushed me.

When I shared my writings and my need for a title in my writers critique group at Word Weavers International, one of my fellow writers suggested this title. It was perfect.

Linda: Does your book cover represent anything special?

Rebecca: Yes, it does. With God ambushing me over and over with surprises of His glory, I wanted to show light with the darkness. I used a picture of sunrise over my lake.

The lake calms me and constantly provides beauty and lessons from His creation. Sunrises, eagles in the trees, ducks on the lake, flowers of all kinds are a few examples. I feel blessed every time I look out over the lake and know God is with me through all kinds of circumstances. I wanted my book to show that even in dark times, Jesus shows up as the Light.

Linda: How did Alan’s illness affect your marriage?

Rebecca: We had only been married three years when he received his diagnosis. However, we dated for seven years before our marriage, which was the year we both retired.

Because we both had been single for a long time, we didn’t jump into marriage again quickly. I had been single for sixteen years and he was single for twenty-six. When we finally married, we looked at things differently than we would have as youngsters. Although both of us had our own ideas of how to do things, a sense of humor helped prevent major struggles.

We enjoyed working together, traveling and going on mission trips. He always looked out for me and took care of chores I had been used to doing myself as a single parent. I felt pampered. I loved doing things for him too.

After our last mission trip, he felt worse. When we visited his doctor, Alan shocked me by asking the doctor how long he had to live. Although I knew he was more fatigued, I didn’t want to admit the terminal disease was taking his life. Our time together was supposed to be much longer.

The doctor said, “Six months.”

I could hardly breathe. Somehow, I made it to the car and picked Alan up from a wheelchair in front of the building. I had become his caregiver. No longer could he take care of me like I was used to. I hated the role reversal and so did he.

When we got home, he called hospice and they came out that day. He began his journey of dying with a purpose. On a legal sized paper, he wrote a long list of items to accomplish for his limited time. Most of what he wrote benefited me. He wanted to make life easier for me before he died and after he was gone.

Every day, I think of how much he loved me and showed it by using his limited energy for tasks like making phone calls to insurance companies, buying a new car and bike for me, and giving away some of his clothes.

There was sadness during his final months, but our love for each other pushed it to the side. We wanted to make the most of every day. We didn’t argue or complain but enjoyed being together.

Unfortunately, the doctor was wrong. Alan only lived two months longer and not six.

Linda: It sounds like Alan did indeed take care of you, even in those months before he died. Since that time, how has publishing your book changed your life?

Rebecca: Frequently, I hear from people who have read my book and have been encouraged. There is a ripple effect as they give my book to others who are grieving. People open up to me in their pain because they know I understand.

I feel compassion in a new way for those with losses. My heart hurts for them. Because I have been comforted, I can do the same for them. I ask God each day to show me who I can help and frequently, it is someone who is grieving.

Linda: Have you finished grieving after six years?

Rebecca: No. However, the grief is less intense and more like an ache instead of a sharp pain. Ambushes still occur but less frequently. Last year on Alan’s birthday, I cried easily for two days. The year before I didn’t cry at all. I have learned grief is unpredictable but so are the wonderful ambushes of God. He has been with me through the entire process and enables me to reach out to others who are grieving.

Linda: Where can people find your book, Ambushed by Glory in My Grief, and how can they find your blog?

Rebecca: People can find my book on Amazon in both print and kindle formats and also in some local Christian bookstores. I’d love to have people visit me on my blog at http://rebeccacarpenter.blogspot.com

 

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Crying Out to God in Distress

April 23, 2020 by 2 Comments

Photo by Ben White

Often as an author, when I get e-mails from readers, I hear stories of devastation, where not only a person’s marriage is in shambles, but a child is rebelling, a house is in foreclosure, jobs have been lost, a mother is dying, and more.  Crisis seems to come in clusters.  One misfortune would certainly be enough for any person to handle, yet many times catastrophe piles on top of calamity until a person can scarcely breathe—crushed beneath the weight of disaster.

Some of you may feel like this now. In the middle of this pandemic, sickness threatens in every corner of the globe bringing fear about everything you touch. But even if you’re able to keep that monster at bay, your finances may be drying up; debtors call on the phone and you try to decide between paying a bill and buying food. In addition, perhaps in an already stressed family situation your brain has begun to feel like it’s about to explode in the close quarters of your living space.

The fear and anxiety is mounting to an unprecedented level, and you simply don’t know where to turn.

Psalms 107 recites story after story of people in dire distress who came to the end of their rope. Some were wanderers with no place to live and nothing to eat and drink, some were in prison, some were suffering addictive behavior, some traveled on the seas in ships during a tempest. And in each situation, they came to the end of their ropes when they saw no hope. But when they came to this point, The Bible says, “Then they cried out to the Lord in their trouble, and he delivered them from their distress.”  Psalm 107:6

They couldn’t stand it any longer, and they cried out to the Lord in their trouble. I’ve been there. I’ve felt like that. I can feel that cry! Can’t you? A cry that comes from deep within the soul. A cry that says I can’t do this anymore. A cry of desperation. A cry of deep pain.

Just as in those emails I get, you may be in this place too. With the world collapsing around you, you may be crying out to God for answers.

Why does this happen though?  Why does a loving God allow the problems to accumulate, hit all at the same time, and the pain to grow until we feel utterly helpless to deal with what is happening in our lives?  Has He no mercy?  When is enough enough?

C.S. Lewis in his book, The Problem of Pain, says, “God whispers to us in our pleasures, speaks in our conscience, but shouts in our pain.  It is His megaphone to rouse a deaf world.”

Often it is only when we are suffocating beneath the load of crisis that we truly come to a place where we cry out to Him and are willing to surrender our wrestling wills to Him. After one attack occurs, we may be in the process of looking for help. We think about praying. Maybe we do. Maybe we bow our heads in prayer and ask God to solve the dilemma. But when the problems begin to pile up, we feel paralyzed.  There is nowhere to turn. God becomes our only hope.  Even then we doubt and wonder, and only by God’s grace do we hold on.

It’s hard, but we have no place else to go. Our hearts melt in helplessness, and we hold onto God.

As our dependence on Him grows, roots begin to take hold in the soil of our souls.  We go deeper.  What began as only a temporary surrender, stays longer. Our characteristic tendency to recover quickly and then forget the God who brought us out of calamity dissipates as He keeps us longer in our place of dependence and strengthens our weak knees. When we have finally recovered, we will stand with confidence and new resilience and be transformed into more of what God called us to become.

And perhaps we will be ready to listen to what He wants to say to us. Perhaps we will hear His voice when he attempts to steer us in new directions. Perhaps we will be more willing to look into ourselves to see what changes He might want us to make.

There’s no more wonderful feeling than knowing God has heard your cry and delivered you from your distress. The hard part is coming to that place of surrender when you truly “cry out” to the Lord instead of stewing in the trouble.

Remember, what Satan means for your destruction, God means for your good.  Remember to call on His name! And stay with Him. Wait on Him. Wait to see the deliverance of your God.

Fighting for Your Marriage while Separated, A Practical Guide for the Brokenhearted is available now.

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Tearing Down and Building Up

February 28, 2020 by 2 Comments

Photo by Meric Dagli

Last year when we finished our Marriage 911 class, I witnessed a startling change.

When the class first began, I stood at the podium and looked out at people whose marriages had crumbled around them and their lives falling apart. Their faces were despondent; their eyes filled with questions and doubt. But thirteen weeks later on the night of our final class, many of those same people—eyes shining with new hope—spoke up to tell us of resurrected marriages. Others had not seen their marriages restored, but had discovered a new peace in the waiting and a perseverance to hold onto God and follow His lead.

God was doing a new thing. Lives that previously seemed in ruins were being rebuilt.

As wonderful as this is, however, in the middle of the chaos it’s hard to understand. Why does God allow us to go through such suffering?

In the book of Jeremiah, the prophet warns the people of coming calamity. But at the same time he tells them God will restore them and build them up again. God wanted to get their attention to lead them back to Him, but they wouldn’t listen and kept on living a lifestyle of willfulness and rebellion. So, yes, while God had allowed their lives to plummet into a period of apparent hopelessness, at the same time He was working to bring restoration so He could give them a brand new future.

Isn’t this what sometimes happens to us as Christians when we experience trials? Whether the trial comes about as a result of our own sin, someone else’s sin, or just rough circumstances, crisis brings us to our knees where we finally look up to God for help. And when we do, He shows up, pointing out changes He wants us to make, sins He wants us to abandon, or a new direction He wants us to go.

We are such stubborn creatures, going our own way, doing our own thing, we seldom take the time to really listen to our ever-present Father who wants to lead us into the future He has planned for us. Once He gets our attention, once we start to listen to His words, once we begin to obey what He is telling us to do, He begins to build us up again.

In Jeremiah 31:3 – 4, the Lord’s words ring out to remind us of his love and His presence in our lives even during times of trouble. “I have loved you with an everlasting love, I have drawn you with loving kindness. I will build you up again and you will be rebuilt.”

When trials come and our lives seem to be collapsing around us, it may be a time to look up. God may be trying to get our attention, and if we haven’t been listening, the turmoil we’re experiencing may be His megaphone. But He will not leave us in a place of hopelessness.

His encouraging words in Jeremiah 31.13 tell us His plan. “I will turn their mourning into gladness; I will give them comfort and joy instead of sorrow.”

In every life, seasons come. If you are in a season of tumult and confusion, find comfort in the fact that this is only a season, and other seasons will come. Put your hope in God, and He will build you up.

For everything there is a season, and a time for every matter under heaven:

a time to be born, and a time to die;
a time to plant, and a time to pluck up what is planted;
a time to kill, and a time to heal;
a time to break down, and a time to build up;
a time to weep, and a time to laugh;
a time to mourn, and a time to dance;
a time to cast away stones, and a time to gather stones together;
a time to embrace, and a time to refrain from embracing;
a time to seek, and a time to lose;
a time to keep, and a time to cast away;
a time to rend, and a time to sew;
a time to keep silence, and a time to speak;
a time to love, and a time to hate;
a time for war, and a time for peace.

Ecclesiastes 3:1-8

To learn how to rebuild your marriage during a time of marital separation or crisis, check out my latest book, Fighting for Your Marriage while Separated. A Practical Guide for the Brokenhearted. Let me walk with you on this road to hope and restoration.

 

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The Importance of Knowing How to Guard Your Heart

February 2, 2020 by Leave a Comment

When I walk with people through their times of brokenness, we often talk about Proverbs 4:23: “Guard your heart for the heart is the wellspring of life.” No one wants a broken heart, but life can be painful. Relationships can be painful. So how do we guard our hearts when trouble overwhelms us? What does this verse mean?

Sometimes to protect our hearts we bury them in superficial, mind numbing distractions or try to escape into worlds created by our own devices. We may build a crust around them so nothing can attack them or cause more hurt. We may think we are “guarding” our hearts by hardening them against the pain, against others who try to get close, and anything threatening to break open the outer shell of protection. Unfortunately, however, by taking these approaches, we may create a gateway for bitterness to grow, a bitterness that will eat away at our hearts and cause more havoc throughout our lives.

Other forces attack our hearts also—not just the pain of our circumstances. And these can be more subtle. When we go through a rough time in life, we are vulnerable to the noise of our culture—the pressures coming from society’s norms and values –and the opinions of other people. We hear them again and again. More and more, their answers begin to sound plausible and logical; they may seem the only way out. Our minds and hearts become clouded, and the whispers of God are unable to penetrate the noise and confusion of outside pressures. It feels easier to listen to those with the loudest voices and go with the culture around us.

Thankfully, when God cautions us to guard our hearts, He also tells us how to do it. In the verses directly before Proverbs 4:23, Proverbs 4:20-22 instructs us how to guard our hearts. “My son, pay attention to what I say; listen closely to my words. Do not let them out of your sight, keep them within your heart; for they are life to those who find them and health to a man’s whole body.” Equally important, the end of Proverbs 4:23 tells us exactly why to guard our hearts.  “Guard your heart for the heart is the wellspring of life.”

When I picture the heart being the wellspring of life, I picture a spring of living water gushing up inside the heart, allowing God’s love, peace, and grace to overflow, washing through the person’s spirit and overflowing onto those around him. The heart is the way God connects with us. It’s the way He brings life to us.

Guarding your heart means pulling your heart away from the forces that have the potential to cause it harm, and trusting your heart to God. It means guarding your heart from the toxicities of the culture and the environment around you that would poison that beautiful life-giving wellspring of life coming from God. It means listening to God’s words to guard your heart from the arrows of Satan who would cause bitterness to grow and deceive you onto wrong paths. Instead of trusting your heart to the deceptive words and persuasions of those who might mislead or hurt you, scripture instructs you to guard your heart by putting it in the hands of the only One you can completely trust, and that is our loving and faithful Father God.

In Jeremiah, the prophet continually addressed a people who looked to the gods of other cultures, rather than the living God they’d known, to fulfill their needs and give them the pleasures they desired. God told Jeremiah to call out to them with the truth, to instruct them to listen to Him, but their hearts were stubborn, refusing to listen to God. They allowed the toxicity of the cultures around them to infect their hearts so they were no longer able to hear God and the things He wanted to tell them. As a result of their failure to “guard their hearts,” disaster came upon them.

When we “are still and know that He is God,” we can step out of the undercurrent of societal pressure and listen to God’s voice. What does He want us to do? Where does He want to lead us? Can we quiet our hearts long enough to hear? Are we allowing that spring of Living Water to bring His refreshing Spirit to wash through the clamor of confusion and stabs of pain so we can hear what He wants to say to us?

When we allow God’s Living Water to flow through our hearts, our hearts can remain soft and malleable to God’s touch. Sometimes that softening brings tears as we submit to the will of One whose ways are above our own, who takes us on paths that we can’t control or understand.  Our hearts are breaking; we are out of control; we no longer know what’s ahead. But when our hearts break in the stillness of God’s presence, Jesus pours His living water into the gaping holes to wash through the debris and residue from past hurts and disappointments to renew us. When our tears join with His Living Water, our souls can breathe in the life He wants to give us. We can walk the path He sets before us, unafraid of where it will lead because our eyes are on our Savior and Lord, our ears are tuned to His voice, and our hearts are alive with the wellspring of life.

* * *

If you are fighting for your marriage and need to know how to guard your heart in the process, check out my new book, Fighting for Your Marriage while Separated.

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Would I Be Happier with a Divorce?

September 3, 2019 by 6 Comments

When problems begin eating away at your marriage, one question that often rises to the surface is whether you might be happier with a divorce. In fact, if crisis erupts, it may be one of the first options that come to mind.

But would divorce make you happier? Would it resolve the turmoil and nagging anxiety that keeps you off balance?  And would remaining in a seemingly bad marriage keep you miserable?

With these questions in mind, Sociologist Linda Waite and a team of family experts conducted a study of 5,212 married adults a number of years ago, asking them if they were happy, very happy, unhappy, or very unhappy.  Then, five years later, they interviewed these individuals again, asking them the same questions.

The results were surprising.

Of those who originally rated their marriage as unhappy, two-thirds of them who stayed married ranked their marriage as happy five years later. But even more dramatic was the turnaround of those who rated their marriages as VERY unhappy.  Five years after the original interview, eight out of ten of those who initially rated their marriage as very unhappy, now reported five years later that their marriage was now happy.

So what happened?

The most important factor for those couples who turned unhappy marriages into happy marriages was commitment. The study found that in order to overcome obstacles so happiness in the marriage could be achieved, the process had to begin with commitment. Then appropriate change could take place. These couples apparently rejected the idea that they would be happier with a divorce, but how that happiness was attained was accomplished in three different ways.

In some cases, couples actively worked to solve their problems and did. But for others in a second scenario, happiness came about in a different way. For them, the sources of conflicts that had divided husband and wife eventually disappeared as financial and job problems eased, conflicts over children went away, depression let up, or the pain of infidelity faded. Finally, a third group of these overcomers simply found alternative sources of happiness for themselves by not depending on their spouses to make them happy.

These people were not just trying to cope with simple, solvable problems. In interviewing 55 of these formerly unhappy couples who had achieved happiness in their marriages five years later, the researchers found that many of them had endured extended periods of unhappiness, including such things as “alcoholism, infidelity, verbal abuse, emotional neglect, depression, illness, and work reversals.” 1

Those who divorced

So what happened to those who thought they would be happier with a divorce? If they got a divorce, were they happier with the end result?

In this study collected by the National Survey of Family and Households, researchers found that partners who divorced after rating themselves as unhappy in their marriages were typically no happier than those unhappy adults who stayed married—even if they remarried.

After controlling for race, age, gender, and income and rating participants on 12 different measures of psychological well-being, the study showed that “divorce did not typically reduce symptoms of depression, raise self-esteem, or increase a sense of mastery.”2 Although some sources of stress were eliminated, other situations were set in motion by the divorce which resulted in new problems. These included, “the response of one’s spouse to divorce, the reactions of children, potential disappointments and aggravation in custody, child support, and visitation orders, new financial or health stresses for one or both parents, and new relationships or marriages.”3

So what’s the answer? Would you be happier with a divorce?

When we consider the three types of approaches mentioned by the researchers that enabled couples to turn unhappy marriages into happy marriages, the attitude chosen by the third group of overcomers who found alternative sources of happiness may be the best place to start. Instead of relying on their partners to make them happy, they found something else to focus on. No one can meet all of our needs, and when we depend on our spouses to make us happy, they will invariably fall short. Only God can meet all of our needs. So for us as believers, when problems come, if we begin by focusing on Jesus instead of our spouse, He can lift us above those painful circumstances and give us a peace and joy that surmounts the stress of our situation. He can open our eyes to the answers He has for us . . . and that brings us to the plan used by the first group who overcame a bad marriage to turn it into a good marriage . . .

Change.

When we focus on God, He can show us the changes He wants us to make as individuals to make us into the persons He wants us to be. He can also lead us to make needed changes in our relationship. As believers, we are all hopefully in the process of becoming who God wants us to be, and when we surrender our situations to Him, He can use them to purify our hearts and lives. His Word shows us how to communicate in healthy ways, and when we spend more time poring over God’s Word to find the wisdom He has for us, we can begin to see new ways to improve our relationships.

And that brings us to the second group who simply seemed to outlast their problems. What is true today might not be true tomorrow.  Our lives are ever-evolving. Circumstances change. Children grow up. Jobs come and go. Finances can change dramatically. When we make serious lifelong decisions based on a temporary juncture in life, we cut short our ability to see God’s overall plan for redemption and reconciliation. When we can join with our spouse to push through these temporary stresses, the partnership we form together can outlast life’s troubles and worries to create a beautiful and lasting union we will celebrate in times to come. When we give God time to work and surrender our problems to Him, He is faithful to give us answers along with His peace and joy

Tipping the Scales

So would you be happier with a divorce?

When we grow impatient with our circumstances and seek relief from the pain and discomfort they bring, divorce may appear to be the answer. And in some cases, such as with physical abuse or a spouse who persists in a sinful lifestyle that harms the family, there may be no other choice. But as the above study suggested, in many cases, we may just be inviting new problems into our life.

What can tip the scales in favor of fighting for our marriages is how much we believe in the power and wisdom of God.

When we believe that God is sovereign and has the power to move mountains, we can also rest in the assurance that He can change hearts and lives. If we believe His promise that He does indeed bring beauty from ashes, we can give the ashes of a crumbling marriage to Him while we wait for the beauty and joy of resurrection to appear.  Then we will discover the truth of Psalm 30:5, which says, “Weeping may endure for a night, But joy comes in the morning.”

 

If you are willing to fight for your marriage, let me walk with you through the pages of my book, Fighting for Your Marriage while Separated. There you will find practical help that can guide you toward reconciliation even if you’re fighting for your marriage alone.

Statistics and quotes above taken from: “Does Divorce Make People Happy? Findings from a Study of Unhappy Marriages” by Linda J. Waite, Don Browning, William J. Doherty, Maggie Gallagher, Ye Luo, and Scott M. Stanley, Institute for American Values.

What do you think of the results of this study? Add a comment and share what’s on your mind.

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A Rock in Life’s Quakes

July 31, 2019 by Leave a Comment

By Michael Kmet

By Tina Yeager

With a bit of apprehension I offered my head to the hairstyling apprentice. She needed to practice, so I agreed to become the lab rat of her experiment. Few had seen the procedure and my outcome was difficult to predict. Bowls of gel mixtures littered the small table. Countless paint strokes surrounded me. After an hour, I resembled an alien with head of silver tentacles sprouting hair. A cosmic halo orbited my noggin, projecting heat onto the foils. An anxious flutter stirred in my belly, churning a bit of acid to rise into my throat.

It’s only hair, I told myself. No matter how this turns out, I will be okay.

This year brings a variety of changes for me, all more significant than the balayage venture (which proved less dramatic than I anticipated, by the way). We’ve moved away from the home in which we raised our kids. One son now lives over two hours away, while my youngest begins his doctoral program in another city. At the same time, I grieve the loss of my church family, and my career is undergoing a major transition. I’m not sure how the results will look, but a different world is shaping up around me.

Change shakes up our lives in a myriad of forms. It can often prove refreshing as some novelty brings joy. Hence the constant trend shifts in technology, fashion, and adventurous recreation. New movies rock. Hidden waterfalls delight the soul. Who doesn’t love a fresh outfit?

The transitions we don’t seek will occur, too, however. We age. People leave us. Security blankets blow away in one strong gust of calamity. Expected or not, certain life-upheavals rattle our roots from their comfortable places. From relocation to chronic health issues to grief, uncomfortable transitions stretch across differing levels of life’s Richter scale. They all begin with a similar emotion, as the first thing felt in an unwanted quake is loss. Pain screams to the forefront of human awareness, blocking other details from our perspective.

The amount of time it takes to recover varies with how deeply we’ve been impacted by the shifting circumstances around us. Change can feel like a seismic event, but the painful aftershocks will diminish and the dust of our disorientation will settle after a while. Even before opening  our eyes to survey the land, we know it has changed. We don’t need to look to acknowledge the change has affected us. Life shifted, and things are not as they were.

I cannot move on from a state of loss until I open my eyes and accept the new reality. I must survey the landscape to identify my resources. A strange realization dawns in the moment of clarity after the impact has subsided. Despite the change, all is not lost. My greatest resource remained with me even when I could not see Him.

In the tumult of life in this errant world, God remains steadfast. He never leaves us. His love gushes endlessly over us whether we sense it or not. Often, He brings our sweetest blessings in the times we feel most lost and alone. Regardless of the many transitions and losses we experience, God never changes.

As my maturing sons depart and I work and worship, landscapes transform; these changes occur on the temporary plane of my existence. Even if I lose all I hold dear, the Lord will sustain me with His precious loving presence to the end of mortality. And then, all be restored. Adonai, Whose every work surpasses excellence, revitalizes life with extra gobs of glory lavished on top. Eternity will gather my entire spiritual family to worship and serve together. Ultimately, nothing will be lost forever. I will be better than okay.

  “The Lord himself goes before you and will be with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged” (Deut. 31:6).

What changes are you experiencing today? Try offering a prayer of trust and praise with me. Choose to believe in God’s steadfast nature, despite the shuddering earth. Let’s cling with all our faith to the Rock in the midst of life’s quake.

By Tina Yeager, author of Beautiful Warrior: Finding Victory Over the Lies Formed Against You

Beautiful Warrior: Finding Victory Over the Lies Formed Against You empowers women to break free from the traps of insecurity and sabotaging mindsets. As empowered warriors, women can raise their shields and become the divine heroines they were destined to become. With therapeutic tips, a solid biblical foundation, and empowering questions, women can free themselves from ongoing negative patterns, overcome common obstacles to healthy self-esteem, deepen awareness of Christ-centered identity, and embrace divine esteem.To connect with Tina, visit tinayeager.com.

 

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Filed Under: Hope, Knowing God, loss, New Directions, Pain, Peace, Problems, stress, Trusting God, Trying to understand, Uncategorized, Where is God? Tagged With: , , , , , , , , ,

When You Need a 911 Prayer Line

July 24, 2019 by 1 Comment

Jason Leung

A few years ago, when Hurricane Matthew was bearing down upon our home in Florida, my daughter in California texted me the entire passage of Psalm 91, a comforting Psalm about God’s protection.

A year later, when fires raged not far from her California home, I texted her that same Psalm to reassure her that God was watching over her.

Psalm 91 became our go-to scripture whenever we needed peace to face frightening circumstances.

Months later while we were again dealing with a worrisome situation, my daughter pointed out an amazing fact about this powerful scripture.

When we read or pray over Psalm 91, we are dialing 911 to God. Psalm 91:1 and the verses that follow bring on God’s rescue team whenever we’re afraid. They are full of His promises. And when we are fearful, these words not only comfort our hearts, but cover us with God’s loving protection so He can shield us from harm. Psalm 91:1 begins:

“He who dwells in the shelter of the Most High will rest in the shadow of the Almighty. I will say of the Lord, “He is my refuge and my fortress, my God, in whom I trust.” Surely he will save you from the fowler’s snare and from the deadly pestilence. He will cover you with his feathers, and under his wings you will find refuge; his faithfulness will be your shield and rampart. You will not fear the terror of night nor the arrow that flies by day, nor the pestilence that stalks in the darkness, nor the plague that destroys at midday” (Psalm 91:1-6).

Life can be scary at times. Recently our world has been besieged with hurricanes, fires, tornadoes, floods, earthquakes, and even a volcanic eruption. But frequently the fear is more personal. It may be a life-threatening physical ailment, a relationship breakdown like a separation or impending divorce, financial hardship, or mental or emotional stress from the many pressures we face.

Just as we dial 911 to bring the ambulance to our doorstep, when we call out to God, we summon His angels to our rescue. And just as we need to trust the paramedics to skillfully handle our situation and treat our wounds, so we must trust our heavenly Father to take command of our circumstances. Then His peace will quiet our hearts and assure us that He is in control.

Verse 10 of Psalm 91 continues with, “If you make the Most High your dwelling—even the Lord, who is my refuge—then no harm will befall you, no disaster will come near your tent. For he will command his angels concerning you to guard you in all your ways;” (Psalm 91:10-11).

When we ask God to abide with us as our Lord and Savior, our 911 emergency prayer mode can kick in more naturally to provide sure and lasting protection when danger threatens.  For when we ask Him to take a permanent role in our lives, He walks with us through our troubles.  We need only to call on Him to bring Him to our rescue. “Because he loves me,” says the Lord, “I will rescue him; I will protect him, for he acknowledges my name. He will call upon me, and I will answer him; I will be with him in trouble. I will deliver him and honor him” (Psalm 91: 14-15).

Whenever you feel overwhelmed with fear, call God’s 911 hotline by turning to Psalm 91:1 and the verses that follow. His promises will calm your heart and remind you that you have a mighty God who loves you and watches over you. All you have to do is call on His name.

 

If you are struggling through a difficult time in your marriage, please check out my new book, Fighting for Your Marriage while Separated

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Dear God I’m Desperate – Author Interview with Jeanne Le May

August 23, 2018 by Leave a Comment

DO YOU EVER WISH you could write a letter to God, telling Him your troubles, and then get a direct response back from Him with a specific answer to your particular concern? In Jeanne Le May’s new book, Dear God I’m Desperate–Women Have Issues, God Has Answers, Jeanne does just this. Each chapter begins with an honest and desperate letter to God, followed by an encouraging and scripturally based answer.

Today, I’m happy to be interviewing author Jeanne Le May to learn more about what readers can expect when reading her book.

Linda: What led you to write this book?

Jeanne:  My personal struggles in two broken marriages that ended in divorce prompted me to face the reality of my own desperation. Overusing prescription drugs to cope with my pain brought no relief.

Distraught and without hope, journaling became my heart’s constant cry to God. A pattern of communication developed, I’d pour out my raw emotions to God, and He would answer with loving kindness from His Word. No matter the circumstances, I could come to Him, and He would nurture, comfort and encourage my soul.

Soon, everywhere I turned, I observed other women also suffering with serious issues. I kept thinking God could help them, too—if only they would cry out to their loving Father. So I started writing letters to God on their behalf . . . and God answered.

Linda:  I love the idea of journaling. I found that so helpful too when I was separated from my husband. And journaling from God’s Word brings real answers. The subtitle of your book is Women Have Issues, God Has Answers. What are some examples of the issues you address in your book?

Jeanne: Dear God I’m Desperate includes difficult topics of universal interest to women that our culture and churches often tend to ignore for the sake of political correctness:

  • Divorce
  • Husbands addicted to pornography
  • Post-abortion heartache
  • Homosexuality
  • Depression
  • Abuse

This book creates a shame-free platform for discussion of all of our concerns—no issue is off limits.

Linda: What made you choose to use a letter format for the book?

Jeanne: The newspaper column Dear Abby provided inspiration—women wrote to her for decades seeking help. As Christians, however, our help comes from God Almighty, so why not write to Him and seek His Truth to guide us through our difficulties? He’s ready, willing, and able to help us when we humble ourselves before Him. He longs for us to admit that we’re struggling and trust Him with our relationships and circumstances. The letter format creates a personal connection with our heavenly Father.

Linda: How did you come up with the answers you give to each of these desperate cries for help?

Jeanne: That’s a great question, Linda. The answers are based on my 20 years of daily saturation in God’s Word. Every morning I pour my heart out to God about my concerns, questions, and heartaches and then search scriptures until the Holy Spirit reveals applicable truth. For the Dear God I’m Desperate letters, I identified problems other women face and used the same dialog process. James 1:5 outlines the principle on which these answers are based, “If you need wisdom, ask our generous God, and He will give it to you.”  I ask—confident that God will answer—and He provides wisdom.

Linda: I see that you’ve created a fictional setting called Hysteria Lane, the home of all the characters in your book. How did you come up with that idea?

Jeanne: The stars on the TV program “Desperate Housewives” lived on Wisteria Lane; I always chuckled to myself that, with all the drama in their lives, they should live on Hysteria Lane. As I wrote Dear God I’m Desperate, that idea resurfaced. In order to tie the women together in their hearts and minds, I developed a community of women who live on Hysteria Lane.

Imagine four friends who live on Hysteria Lane gathering for coffee. Julie shares her tears as she recounts her devastating day in divorce court (Zach’s Final Lie). Danielle, recently widowed, explains her struggle with depression at the death of her lifelong husband (Withered Heart). Laurie reports her relief in ending chemotherapy and her further distress at the toll the treatments have taken on her depleted body, soul, and spirit (The Red Cocktail). Christina dares to admit her sorrow over the abortion of her precious Amy on the day that would have been her sixteenth birthday (Sweet Sixteen and Never Been Kissed.) Women sharing their hearts deepens their love and caring for one another. In their willingness to be vulnerable, the women find encouragement and hope as their friendships strengthen.

In Dear God I’m Desperate, God reveals His trustworthy promises to calm and heal their hearts.

Linda: Who will benefit from reading your book?

Jeanne: This book is intended for women struggling with everyday issues.

Women alone.

Women faced with shattered marriages.

Women plagued with depression.

Women distressed with doubts, confusion, and fears.

Women stunned by bad news.

Women overwhelmed with guilt.

Women brokenhearted by children.

Women abused.

One of my readers said in her review on Amazon, “This book is a very honest, straightforward description of real world problems faced by women of all walks of life. One may not identify with every issue, but you will find yourself in its pages. Not only will this book guide you to God’s word, it will provide the much needed comfort you seek when struggling with life today. It is both confident and tender in its guidance.”

Linda: In your book you refer to the concept of “Divine Exchange.” What do you mean by that?

Jeanne: “Divine Exchange” refers to a spiritual transaction that changes our lives.  When we bring our troubles to our Creator, He unburdens our hearts. For example, He exchanges despair for hope and replaces worry with peace. Faith in Him casts out fear. Dignity as daughters of the King displaces shame.

Linda: What do you hope women glean by reading your book?

Jeanne: Linda, it’s my desire that women develop intimacy with God our Father. In the book, after each chapter, space has been provided for readers to write their own heart’s cry to God. Then, scriptures may be applied to their personal issues. This format provides a model for their ongoing conversations with God where they can find hope, encouragement, and validation as God’s precious daughters and know they are not alone in their struggles.

Linda: What are your future goals?

Jeanne: I believe God has provided this book as a way for Him to allow me to speak to women’s hearts. Writing for me provides ministry for desperate women. Much of my time is also spent in speaking engagements. My closet contains 80 journals filled with personal dialogs with God. So however I can serve whether through writing or speaking, that’s what I want to do.

Linda: Where can readers find your book and learn more about you?

Jeanne: The book is available online at Amazon, Barnes & Noble & other booksellers.  Readers can visit my website, blog and Facebook page: jeannelemay@mac.com.  On September 14, 2018, I will be speaking in Daytona Beach, FL at the JOY conference sponsored by Glorious Living Ministries. The conference is free as is God’s love. For details, go to: glorious living.net, which also contains my bio.

 

 

 

 

 

 

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Caring for the Caregiver, Author Interview with Cheri Swalwell

June 18, 2018 by 1 Comment

Even when couples have a good, loving marriage, certain attacks can come from the outside that put an unusually heavy strain on the relationship. One of these attacks comes in the form of health issues, requiring one spouse to become the caregiver of the other. In this case, both partners must learn to navigate their marriage relationship while also taking on new and different roles with one another. One must learn to deal with their new disability. The other must develop a new skill set and the strength to take on their new responsibility.

Cheri Swalwell has written a Bible study called Caring for the Caregiver to help sustain the caregiver when taking on such an unexpected role in their marriage. 

Linda:  You wrote a book titled Caring for the Caregiver. Could you explain how that offers hope to couples in difficult marriages?

Cheri: Difficulties in marriage come about through internal or external circumstances. Our difficulties occurred through a series of external circumstances.

In 1999, I married my best friend. We got married in our late twenties and decided we’d start a family sooner rather than later. By 2006, I was fulfilling my dream to be a “stay at home” working mom with a six-year-old and a three-year-old. Life was good.

In September 2006 I decided to join a women’s Bible study. I remember driving home one evening, thinking about the group conversation that night. One question kept repeating in my mind: Did I trust God? I knew He was in my heart and I loved Him, but did I really trust Him?

Sadly, my answer was no. I didn’t trust God – not with my husband, my kids, or what mattered most. Right then, I prayed and told God I wanted to trust Him, asked Him to help me learn how to trust Him, but to please be gentle during the process. I waited a few minutes and was met with silence.

While I didn’t forget about the conversation, I didn’t pursue it any further. I’d asked, so I figured the next move was His. It didn’t take me long to realize God is faithful to answer when we ask with the right attitude.

Linda: That’s quite the statement to make to God. I love how even though you didn’t think you trusted God, you still knew He would answer your heartfelt prayer.

Cheri: Exactly. I didn’t know how, but I knew enough about God to know He would answer in His time. About halfway through the Bible study, I found out we were pregnant with our third child. While my husband and I had planned for two children, God planned a “plus one more.” I was over the top ecstatic. Thankfully, my husband felt the same way and I relished every minute of being pregnant one more time.

Except for an announcement to family only at Thanksgiving, the pregnancy was kept a secret during the first trimester. In mid-December, we felt it was safe enough to start telling. Three days later, one day shy of the official 12-week mark, I woke up bleeding. Less than six hours later, we lost our baby. Due to complications, three days later I was in the ER facing a necessary D&C to allow the physical healing to start. However, the emotional healing would take much longer.

I’d been looking forward to celebrating Christmas with a little one safely nestled inside. However, I faced the Christmas Eve service alone. My husband was confined to bed with the flu and our baby was in Heaven. I felt so alone and completely forgotten.

Linda: I’m so sorry for your loss. Death of a child is hard on a marriage. Yet, I understand your marriage was still to be dealt one more blow. Please tell us about it.

Cheri: Around this time, our church had called a corporate fast to begin in February. God invited me to fast, but not for our church. He asked me if I would fast for my family. He wanted me to fast for the four of us to grow closer together and for my husband and me to grow stronger in our marriage. I accepted the challenge and the fast began the week before Valentine’s Day. I didn’t tell anyone, not even my husband.

The Friday after Valentine’s Day began as a normal day. That evening we put our kids to bed and settled in for the night. During a commercial, my husband went to check on the kids. He got halfway up the stairs and turned around, his pulse racing, his face ashen and physically shaking.

“Cheri, I don’t feel well” was an understatement. He looked awful, so I immediately called the doctor. His symptoms were passed off as “the flu” and I was instructed to watch him during the night, “but he should be better by morning”. Easier said than done. The doctor wasn’t seeing what I was seeing. I couldn’t sleep, begging God to fix whatever was wrong. I had just lost our baby in December; I wasn’t ready to lose my husband, too.

We spent the next six weeks back and forth to the emergency room, hoping they could give us answers. After an approximate 35 pound weight loss in six weeks, my husband was finally admitted to the hospital. We needed to know what we were fighting.

Months later, we received one of many diagnoses and have spent the last ten years pursuing healing and adjusting to life within our new normal. We also learned some valuable lessons from God.

Linda: What is one truth you learned through this experience with your husband that you would like to share with others?  

Cheri: When one person in a family unit is suffering, it affects the entire household. Many times, chronic illness can pull a couple apart. I believe God invited me to fast for our family before the illness hit because He wanted to prepare us for the upcoming journey. I’m so grateful I accepted that invitation and believe it has helped us grow stronger as a family, but more importantly, as a couple.

Approximately six to eight years after our journey began, we were in the office with another new doctor, this time tackling food sensitivities, another symptom of my husband’s autoimmune disease.

At one point the doctor and I were in the room alone. I don’t remember how the conversation started, but I distinctly remember the doctor stating how amazed she was with the support I was showing.

“Why wouldn’t I support my husband? We’re in this together. He doesn’t want to be sick any more than I wish it for him. In fact, if I could, I would take it away from him and suffer instead, if just to give him a break.”

Her reply stuck with me. “You’d be surprised how many spouses don’t support their loved ones. They blame the one who’s sick for the illness or for not doing enough to get better. Your husband is blessed to have your support because sadly, not many married couples are that supportive of each other.”

If I have one word of encouragement to offer others facing similar circumstances, it’s to fight the illness together as a team instead of fighting each other and not the illness.

God was able to use all the above circumstances to help me learn how to trust Him – not just with my husband and kids, but with every area of my life.

Linda: What led you to write a Bible study book about your experience?

 Cheri: As believers, I feel strongly that when we are allowed to experience trials and challenges in life, we are to use the empathy born from those painful experiences to walk alongside others on similar journeys. Pointing others to the One who has the answers produces a ripple effect of blessings in our lives. As God introduced me to couples walking through similar heartaches, our experiences allowed me to offer them encouragement.

Almost ten years later, in January 2017, during one of my now-regular fasting periods, God asked me to take the lessons He taught our family throughout the past decade and share that encouragement on a larger scale in the form of a Bible study for caregivers. I knew this invitation was from God because He downloaded the entire outline of the book to me in about 20 minutes.

In December 2017, Caring for the Caregiver was published. In June I finished co-leading my first Bible study using this material.

Linda, one member from the group sums up her and her husband’s experience in the group so eloquently, “Looking at caregiving as a partnership had not occurred to us and when you look at it that way, things change. God has given us a new tenderness toward looking at fighting the disease/condition together and not being frustrated with the person being cared for.”

 Linda: Is this a book that can only be used as a Bible study and is it specific just for caregiving for one’s spouse?

Cheri: I’m glad you asked, Linda. This book is about more than just caregiving for one’s spouse. It offers encouragement to foster parents, hospice workers, nurses – anyone in a caregiving role of any kind. There are two sets of questions following each chapter to accommodate all caregiving situations. And because all caregivers know time is precious, the chapters are short and easy to read.

 Linda: Where can people learn more about you and your books?

Cheri: Come visit me at Spoken from the Heart to see my full list of books. I’d love to connect with you on Facebook, Twitter, LinkedIn or through email.

 

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Filed Under: BOOKS, health issues, Interviews, loss, stress, Trusting God, Uncategorized Tagged With: , , ,
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