The Wonder of Fertilizer and God’s Strange Ways

April 10, 2019 by Leave a Comment

“How do you get so many blooms on your bird of paradise?” my friend asked. “Mine hardly ever blooms.”

I was amazed at her question because I’ve never been particularly good at getting things to grow in my yard, and she is a much more disciplined gardener than I am. But I did have a beautiful bird of paradise. “I just add a bloom booster fertilizer,” I said, “and cut the dead fronds off.”

“A bloom booster fertilizer?” she repeated as though a revelation had just hit her. “Hmmm, I never thought about using fertilizer with a bird of paradise.”

Fertilizer?

Our conversation stuck in my mind, and got me thinking about fertilizer and God’s strange ways.

I remembered my mother’s yard when she first moved to a new home near San Diego. Her small yard was bursting with blooms of every kind. Passersby stopped to admire it. She credited fertilizer for making her flowers so breathtaking.

Even though I didn’t inherit my mother’s green thumb, I did get her message about the importance of fertilizer. Although I used a bloom booster for established flowering plants, I followed my mother’s example in using simple cow manure for new plantings. And it was downright effective.

But why? Why was it effective? How could the use of cow manure create beauty in the garden? It seemed an incongruity. Yes, the cow manure we bought at the store was composted, but it started as a disgusting fecal matter we wouldn’t want to touch or smell. It’s not pleasing to any of our senses. Yet when composted and sprinkled around plants, it brings out their beauty.

I had to stop and reflect on God’s strange ways and the ironies of God’s creation.

God’s Strange Ways

If I had created the world, I wouldn’t have thought to use cow manure to beautify our world. But God did. He used one of the most revolting elements of his creation to produce some of the most lovely. God’s strange ways taps into a sense of economy that is a thing of wonder.

Amazingly, he does the same thing in people’s lives. I used to be surprised when I heard stories about someone who had recovered from an addiction or emerged from a dark place in life to become an altogether different human being and reach new heights of success. Often they credited their darkest moments with producing the light that led them to God and a new direction.

A friend recently recounted how a dreadful time of sickness became a time of healing between mother and daughter. An estranged relationship was sweetened through adversity and two lives healed. In another case, a time of homelessness became fertile ground where a person met Jesus face to face.

In the early 1970s Chuck Colson went to prison for his perversion of justice in the top levels of government. While in prison, he met God face to face and became a completely new creature in God. Though officially he became a free man for the next three decades before he died, his heart remained captive to the needs of prisoners. He began a prison ministry that spawned counterparts all over the world and changed the hearts of countless numbers of men and women in prison.

Beauty for Broken Lives

When I hear these stories today, I’m no longer surprised. Time and again I’ve seen God’s strange ways bring beauty to broken lives. Even for me, my husband and I were separated for three long years, but when we reconciled, God not only gave us back our marriage, but gave us a ministry to hurting couples. He also birthed in me two books that would help heal broken marriages.

Each time I hear these stories I’m reminded of the wondrous ways God works his economy of purpose into our lives. We wander and stray. We are devastated by the pain inflicted on us by others. But God grabs hold of those situations and molds them into something beautiful that He can use for our good and His glory when we come to that crossroads of decision and surrender it all to Him.

God’s strange ways are a mystery, but they’re also a comfort. God uses everything for good for those who love Him and are called according to his purpose. (Romans 8:28). It’s just a matter of falling in love with God and surrendering our lives to Him. Then He can use everything—every hurt, every past sin, every crisis—to produce something good. It’s fascinating to look into the future and imagine what He will do with the refuse we bring to Him, knowing that when we give it all to Him, He can use the fertilizer of our lives to bring forth beauty in our garden.

Indeed, when we least expect it, God’s strange ways bring hope in unexpected places.

© Linda Rooks 2019

Join the conversation: How would you like to see God turn something around for good in someone’s life and bring beauty from brokenmess?

Fighting for Your Marriage while Separated is now available

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Taking Out Your Emotional Trash, Author Interview with Georgia Shaffer

January 17, 2019 by Leave a Comment

When torn wrapping paper and mashed-in boxes pile up after Christmas, it feels good to carry the trash out to the curb and see it hauled away. It’s great to get everything cleaned up so we can start fresh. Author Georgia Shaffer, Professional Certified Coach with the International Coach Federation and a licensed psychologist in Pennsylvania, helps us see another pile of trash littering our lives that we may be unaware of – emotional trash. In her book, Taking Out Your Emotional Trash, Georgia provides eye-opening insights that can profoundly transform the way we deal with negative feelings and thoughts that might unwittingly bring havoc to our lives.

Linda: Georgia, we can all relate to the job of “taking out our trash,” but what led you to write Taking Out Your Emotional Trash?

Georgia: Like many, I grew up in a home where I never learned the skills needed to handle my disappointments, insecurities, or anger in a healthy way. As a result, my feelings and deep hurts piled up and created more pain in my relationships. It took me years to learn how to deal constructively with my emotions.

As a professional certified coach and licensed psychologist in Pennsylvania, I’ve seen how other people struggle with their negative feelings. Too often they wait until a crisis before saying, “I need help.” Unfortunately, it’s usually our closest relationships, like our marriage, that brings our junk to the surface and it’s those relationships that suffer the most. I wrote Taking Out Your Emotional Trash to help people dump their junk before they trash their relationships. I want people to experience less stress and more of the energy, peace and joy that comes when we get rid of any potentially toxic feelings in a healthy way.

Linda: Could you share with us your definition of “emotional trash”? 

Georgia: I define “emotional trash” as the negative thoughts, feelings and attitudes that accumulate in our hearts and minds, which, when ignored or denied, can lead to strong emotional reactions where we say or do something we later regret.

It’s not that our emotions are unhealthy or dangerous – it’s what we do or don’t do with them that creates problems.

For example, I have a friend whose garbage was not collected one week in the summer and so her husband stored it behind a shed in their back yard. A week later, the night before trash day, he carried it back out to the curb. But it wasn’t until he walked into their garage, back into the light, that he noticed maggots crawling all over his sleeves and hands.

If their garbage had been picked up at the scheduled time, it would not have become infested—and he would have been spared a creepy experience.

The same thing happens to us in our marriages when our grudges and unresolved anger are not dealt with properly and in a timely fashion.  They create the emotional equivalent of maggots crawling all over us.

Linda: At the beginning of the book you talk about spending a day on a beach filled with trash, and how most of the people walked or played around it as if they did not see it. Then you say we often have emotions that we ourselves don’t see or have numbed or grown used to.  What an interesting insight. Can you give us an example? 

Georgia: Resentment is a great example of an unhealthy or destructive feeling that we don’t recognize.  It’s like living near a fast food restaurant and getting use to the smell. After a while we aren’t even aware of its existence.

For example, pay attention to times when you react, rather than respond, to your spouse or someone in your family.  You might be tired or distracted, or your snappish comment could be the result of a deeper resentment lurking beneath the surface. Sometimes our poor attitude has more to do with something deeply rooted in our hearts. For example, one woman recently realized her constant sarcastic remarks to her husband stemmed from the fact that thirty years earlier her husband had encouraged her to get an abortion before they were married.  She had grown used to her bitterness, and it wasn’t until she grieved over the loss of a close relationship that she realized she needed to work through all the emotions that came with her abortion so she could forgive her husband.

Linda: You write about how easily our wants and tightly held expectations can get distorted into needs. You say wrong thinking and a lack of self-awareness can plunge us into a downward cycle. How do we reverse this tendency? 

Georgia: It’s important to pay attention to the expectations we hold too tightly.   Our legitimate desires can become warped by wrong thinking when we believe an expectation we have for our spouse is really a need. James warns of this, “What causes fights and quarrels among you? Don’t they come from your desires that battle within you?” (James 4:1 NIV).

Unless we are paying attention, our unfulfilled desires can plunge us into a downward cycle that looks like this: “I desire that you help me rake the leaves” becomes “I need you to help me.” or “I demand that you help with the fall cleanup.”  Then it can go on to become: “And if you fail to do this, I will punish you in some way –either by withholding my time and attention or by attacking you verbally.”

To reverse this downward cycle, we must 1) recognize which desires have become something we believe we need, 2) grieve the loss of what can’t and might never be, and then 3) embrace what is. It is only at that point we can learn to live with the tension that comes with having desires and dreams without demanding that God or others fulfill them.

Linda: In Taking Out Your Emotional Trash, you talk about destructive and constructive ways of handling anger. Most of us agree that physical and verbal aggressions are harmful, but what are some other destructive ways? And how can we express our anger constructively? 

Georgia: Anger is an energy that needs to be channeled in the right direction at the right time in the right way. Destructive ways of expressing our anger include 

  • Making sarcastic or critical remarks – delivering that zinger and then saying, “I’m only kidding.”
  • Giving the silent treatment – not communicating to your spouse or friend for days or weeks
  • Withholding something like your affection, time or attention, the very thing you know your partner wants.

Whereas some constructive expressions of anger are

  • Exercising
  • Journaling
  • Talking to a safe friend or counselor
  • Righting a wrong
  • Fighting a righteous battle
  • Addressing the relational issue

Linda: You write that it’s important to understand forgiveness as both a choice and a process. What do you mean by that?  

Georgia: First, forgiveness is a choice—not a feeling. But even when you make the decision to forgive, that’s only the beginning. The next step is to work through the feelings of hurt, anger, sadness or betrayal.

You might forgive someone on an intellectual level, but if you fail to do the emotional work then you won’t heal on a deeper level. Working through the process means you verbalize what happened to you and how you feel about it. When you get stuck or want to nurse your grudges, remember what God has done for you and how you’re forgiven. You also want to remember that for something like adultery, it can take months, sometimes even years before you are truly free of the pain.  One of the reasons, it can take so long is we can only handle the pain a little bit at a time. 

Linda: What would you say to someone who is ready to face their bottled-up feelings—their “emotional trash” –but who is overwhelmed by the task?  

Georgia: Many of us get stuck at one point or another in our lives– that’s normal.

One summer I decided to clean my 2-car garage, which at the time barely had room for one car.  It didn’t take me long to realize that making the choice to clean my garage and doing it were two different things. I was overwhelmed by the size of the task. Two months later I still hadn’t done anything.

One friend told me to start in a corner and another friend suggested I do one box or one shelf at a time. But I was still paralyzed by the huge task. Finally, I decided the only way I was going to make any headway was to tackle the job one item at a time. Was I going to throw it out, give it away, or keep it?

The project took five months to complete. But the transformation was amazing. Now I have more space—enough for two cars—but I also have more energy, more joy, and even more money since I now know what I already have and where it is.

If you’re feeling stuck and overwhelmed, focus on one issue at a time. Pray and ask the Lord to show you, “Where do I need to start?  What is the next best step for me? What is one thing I can do?” Don’t be afraid to seek the help of a friend or a Christian counselor because sometimes you can’t do it alone.

Linda: Most of us have emotional meltdowns occasionally. What can we do to minimize these meltdowns, so we can protect our marriages?

Georgia: Be honest with yourself and ask, “Why do I resist dealing with my hurt or feelings?” Are you telling yourself you’re too busy to deal with them or that you have a right to be bitter with, say, with your spouse? Do you think the sadness will destroy you? Do you think if you ignore your unresolved anger it will disappear? The problem with not facing your feelings is it usually means at some point in the future you’ll find yourself spending a day—or more—unable to do anything but deal with your hurt and pain.

Therefore, you want to create and maintain routines that will help you pay attention to how you are doing emotionally and spiritually. Ask yourself: “How am I doing in my closest relationships? Am I reacting or responding to what’s going on around me? Am I getting enough sleep, rest, and exercise?  Am I maintaining a sustainable pace?  Am I protecting myself from total depletion?

Here’s the bottom line. Waste management today can take twenty plastic soda bottles and make a Polertec fleece out of them. But that’s nothing compared to what Jesus can do with your emotional garbage. He’s the master of waste management. He can take your junk and make something beautiful out of it—but you must be willing to give it to him.

Each one of us has emotional trash. The question is what are you doing with yours? Are you holding onto it or are you getting rid of it so you can be free to be the person God created you to be?

Linda: Wonderful insights, Georgia! Where can people find out more about you, your book, Taking Out Your Emotional Trash and your other books as well?

Georgia: Readers can visit  www.GeorgiaShaffer.com for more information about my books, my coaching services, and free resources.

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Dear God I’m Desperate – Author Interview with Jeanne Le May

August 23, 2018 by Leave a Comment

DO YOU EVER WISH you could write a letter to God, telling Him your troubles, and then get a direct response back from Him with a specific answer to your particular concern? In Jeanne Le May’s new book, Dear God I’m Desperate–Women Have Issues, God Has Answers, Jeanne does just this. Each chapter begins with an honest and desperate letter to God, followed by an encouraging and scripturally based answer.

Today, I’m happy to be interviewing author Jeanne Le May to learn more about what readers can expect when reading her book.

Linda: What led you to write this book?

Jeanne:  My personal struggles in two broken marriages that ended in divorce prompted me to face the reality of my own desperation. Overusing prescription drugs to cope with my pain brought no relief.

Distraught and without hope, journaling became my heart’s constant cry to God. A pattern of communication developed, I’d pour out my raw emotions to God, and He would answer with loving kindness from His Word. No matter the circumstances, I could come to Him, and He would nurture, comfort and encourage my soul.

Soon, everywhere I turned, I observed other women also suffering with serious issues. I kept thinking God could help them, too—if only they would cry out to their loving Father. So I started writing letters to God on their behalf . . . and God answered.

Linda:  I love the idea of journaling. I found that so helpful too when I was separated from my husband. And journaling from God’s Word brings real answers. The subtitle of your book is Women Have Issues, God Has Answers. What are some examples of the issues you address in your book?

Jeanne: Dear God I’m Desperate includes difficult topics of universal interest to women that our culture and churches often tend to ignore for the sake of political correctness:

  • Divorce
  • Husbands addicted to pornography
  • Post-abortion heartache
  • Homosexuality
  • Depression
  • Abuse

This book creates a shame-free platform for discussion of all of our concerns—no issue is off limits.

Linda: What made you choose to use a letter format for the book?

Jeanne: The newspaper column Dear Abby provided inspiration—women wrote to her for decades seeking help. As Christians, however, our help comes from God Almighty, so why not write to Him and seek His Truth to guide us through our difficulties? He’s ready, willing, and able to help us when we humble ourselves before Him. He longs for us to admit that we’re struggling and trust Him with our relationships and circumstances. The letter format creates a personal connection with our heavenly Father.

Linda: How did you come up with the answers you give to each of these desperate cries for help?

Jeanne: That’s a great question, Linda. The answers are based on my 20 years of daily saturation in God’s Word. Every morning I pour my heart out to God about my concerns, questions, and heartaches and then search scriptures until the Holy Spirit reveals applicable truth. For the Dear God I’m Desperate letters, I identified problems other women face and used the same dialog process. James 1:5 outlines the principle on which these answers are based, “If you need wisdom, ask our generous God, and He will give it to you.”  I ask—confident that God will answer—and He provides wisdom.

Linda: I see that you’ve created a fictional setting called Hysteria Lane, the home of all the characters in your book. How did you come up with that idea?

Jeanne: The stars on the TV program “Desperate Housewives” lived on Wisteria Lane; I always chuckled to myself that, with all the drama in their lives, they should live on Hysteria Lane. As I wrote Dear God I’m Desperate, that idea resurfaced. In order to tie the women together in their hearts and minds, I developed a community of women who live on Hysteria Lane.

Imagine four friends who live on Hysteria Lane gathering for coffee. Julie shares her tears as she recounts her devastating day in divorce court (Zach’s Final Lie). Danielle, recently widowed, explains her struggle with depression at the death of her lifelong husband (Withered Heart). Laurie reports her relief in ending chemotherapy and her further distress at the toll the treatments have taken on her depleted body, soul, and spirit (The Red Cocktail). Christina dares to admit her sorrow over the abortion of her precious Amy on the day that would have been her sixteenth birthday (Sweet Sixteen and Never Been Kissed.) Women sharing their hearts deepens their love and caring for one another. In their willingness to be vulnerable, the women find encouragement and hope as their friendships strengthen.

In Dear God I’m Desperate, God reveals His trustworthy promises to calm and heal their hearts.

Linda: Who will benefit from reading your book?

Jeanne: This book is intended for women struggling with everyday issues.

Women alone.

Women faced with shattered marriages.

Women plagued with depression.

Women distressed with doubts, confusion, and fears.

Women stunned by bad news.

Women overwhelmed with guilt.

Women brokenhearted by children.

Women abused.

One of my readers said in her review on Amazon, “This book is a very honest, straightforward description of real world problems faced by women of all walks of life. One may not identify with every issue, but you will find yourself in its pages. Not only will this book guide you to God’s word, it will provide the much needed comfort you seek when struggling with life today. It is both confident and tender in its guidance.”

Linda: In your book you refer to the concept of “Divine Exchange.” What do you mean by that?

Jeanne: “Divine Exchange” refers to a spiritual transaction that changes our lives.  When we bring our troubles to our Creator, He unburdens our hearts. For example, He exchanges despair for hope and replaces worry with peace. Faith in Him casts out fear. Dignity as daughters of the King displaces shame.

Linda: What do you hope women glean by reading your book?

Jeanne: Linda, it’s my desire that women develop intimacy with God our Father. In the book, after each chapter, space has been provided for readers to write their own heart’s cry to God. Then, scriptures may be applied to their personal issues. This format provides a model for their ongoing conversations with God where they can find hope, encouragement, and validation as God’s precious daughters and know they are not alone in their struggles.

Linda: What are your future goals?

Jeanne: I believe God has provided this book as a way for Him to allow me to speak to women’s hearts. Writing for me provides ministry for desperate women. Much of my time is also spent in speaking engagements. My closet contains 80 journals filled with personal dialogs with God. So however I can serve whether through writing or speaking, that’s what I want to do.

Linda: Where can readers find your book and learn more about you?

Jeanne: The book is available online at Amazon, Barnes & Noble & other booksellers.  Readers can visit my website, blog and Facebook page: jeannelemay@mac.com.  On September 14, 2018, I will be speaking in Daytona Beach, FL at the JOY conference sponsored by Glorious Living Ministries. The conference is free as is God’s love. For details, go to: glorious living.net, which also contains my bio.

 

 

 

 

 

 

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Interview with Susan B Mead, author of Dance With Jesus: From Grief to Grace

September 22, 2015 by 1 Comment

Susan Mead - Dancing with JesusSusan B. Mead knows about grief. In 2004 she lost her younger sister Bette to suicide, and four years later her 20 year-old son died from drugs and alcohol. Four years after that, her sister-in-law died of cancer. Then in 2013 her world was rocked once more while sitting in the grandstands at the Boston Marathon when the first bomb exploded across the street from her, thankfully sparing her cousin who was still running five minutes from the finish line. But in spite of these heart-rending events, Susan has learned that God is always present. In fact, Susan has learned that God can bring joy to you in the midst of your darkest times.

From Grief to Grace

Linda: What inspired you to write the book Dance with Jesus: From Grief to Grace?

Susan: I was doing the Bible Study, Experiencing God. One question asked what does God want you to do right now? I heard God say in that internal voice, “Sing My love song.” And I laughed out loud! Well, send me a bucket, God, because I can’t carry a tune without one and YOU know that!

Next, came that sweet internal voice whispering a question, “What’s in your hand? Use it.”

An ink pen was in my hand, so I brushed the workbook aside, pulled out a new journal and promptly put pen to paper. The words simply flowed onto paper. At 5:30 AM, as I put the pen down, I realized I had done what I felt God asked me to do – to sing His love song, only it was a written story instead of a song, telling how much He loved me despite the losses I had experienced.

Later that day, the first email I read was from SheSpeaks, the Proverbs 31 Ministries Speakers and Writers Conference. “WRITERS Conference? Really God? You want me to do something with this?” I thought. Okay. And so it began.

Linda: What are you trying to do through your book to help others with their grief?”

Susan: My purpose in Dance With Jesus is to help others with their grief by sharing the story of one who has walked through loss, as that is what I found I so desperately needed in the darkest days of my grief—seeing or reading about others who had experienced tragic loss, yet were living, out loud and in color, with the joy of the Lord evident in their lives.

Linda: I know the title of your book is Dance with Jesus: From Grief to Grace. What do those words “Dance with Jesus” mean to you?

Susan: In a dream, I literally SAW Jesus dance with my son, Kyle, on the morning of Kyle’s funeral. Jesus turned and pointed to me, saying, “This is to bring you great joy. I taught him (Kyle) how. I taught him how to dance.”

So to me, Dance with Jesus means JOY! The joy of being in the presence of our Lord Jesus Christ.

Overcoming the Pain

Linda: In the midst of this grief and chaos in your life how did God reveal Himself to you?

Susan: Oh, in so many ways.

As a child, my mother taught me that I am never alone. “Jesus is always with you. Hold His hand, sweetheart, He will hold yours too,” she wisely instructed. So I did and she was right. He does hold us.

My faith was transformed from knowing about God to truly knowing God after feeling a caress across my broken heart following my sister’s suicide. It brought calm into the chaos of life for me.

I had two beautiful dreams in which I saw Jesus dance with my son in one and my son in the presence of God in the other. Calm assurance those offered. Still does comfort me.

As my sister-in-law lay dying from cancer, prayers were said for her and her face transformed from ashy grey to a soft yellow glow. The light on her face filled the entire room with a soft warm glow as she radiated with the glory of God, literally from her deathbed. We saw the glory of God in that beautiful, life-giving moment. Death to us, eternal life for her.

Linda: What steps did you take that helped you overcome the pain and loss that you were going through? Were you able to come out victorious?

Susan: I looked to the story of OTHERS. If OTHERS could walk through grief, I could too. I read everything I could get my hands on about grief. My faith was strong and I leaned onto God. HEAVILY leaned onto Him. I dug into His beautiful Word in the Bible, to learn what He said about death, mourning, comfort, peace, joy and love to renew my mind-daily.

Linda: When you were going through grief, tell us more about how God lead you to a deep intimate connection with Him.

Susan: God was so precious to me in my grief. When He gave me a magnificent dream of His Son dancing with my son, I KNEW where Kyle was and that brought me such peace.

I felt pulled into the gracious arms of God as He held me close, slowly started to sway with me, and gently lead me step by step back into living once again. I call that stepping onto His toes, as He (Jesus) started teaching me a “new dance” step. Yep, I began to Dance with Jesus and moved from grief to grace.

Overcoming the Challenges

Linda: I love that. Tell me though, in the process of your healing, were there challenges and setbacks, if yes how did you overcome them?

Susan: My oldest son grieved. Oh how he grieved! I reached out to others to surround him and my husband with prayer. I was so broken and did not know how to tend to myself, so how could I even begin to know how to help them heal?

I had to learn that people grieve differently. I also had to let my husband and son grieve they way THEY needed to, not force them to grieve like I did. I had to choose to respect the way they needed to heal.

Many men do not discuss their feelings. I had to let them work through their grief themselves without requiring they confess every thought to me. (I would not have known what to do with it anyway as it was so very different from my grieving process.)

Four years after we lost Kyle, my husband’s sister called to let us know she had cancer. She came to stay with us for her last days. And she passed away exactly four years to the day from us losing Kyle.

That felt like a very heavy burden to me, so I prayed and asked God to pour His abundant grace on me to equip me to carry that load. He answered by letting me know He had given me ONE day to mourn instead of two.

Linda: What advice would you give to those going through similar situations as yours but don’t know what to do?

Susan: Look to the story of others for hope. If they can, so can you. Reach out to someone to hear their story to get hope for yourself. Look to the Word of God to see what He says about YOU, His child. Read what He says about death, mourning, comfort, peace, joy and love.

“He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds.” Psalm 147:3 (NIV)

“You have turned for me my mourning into dancing;You have put off my sackcloth and clothed me with gladness,” Psalm 30:11 New King James Version (NKJV)

“A time to weep and a time to laugh, a time to mourn and a time to dance,” Ecclesiastes 3:4, (NIV)

“Then young women will dance and be glad, young men and old as well. I will turn their mourning into gladness; I will give them comfort and joy instead of sorrow.” Jeremiah 31:13 (NIV)

“For My yoke is easy and My burden is light.” Matthew 11:30 (NKJV)

There are so many beautiful moments when God reveals Himself to us. Very often, they occur in our most fragile, broken state. When we look, HE is there with us, in all of His glory.

To your readers who are mourning a loss, I say: Are you looking for Him? Seeking His word to get to know Him, to see His holiness? Do you want to know Him? Do you know He wants to know you? Oh, how He wants to know you. He loves you. Eternally.

Linda: Great advice! So tell us what you have personally learned through all of this.

Susan: I learned God shines the brightest light in our darkest moments.

Jeremiah 31:3 The Lord appeared to us in the past, saying: “I have loved you with an everlasting love; I have drawn you with unfailing kindness. (NIV)

Linda: Where can readers find your book, Dance With Jesus: From Grief to Grace?

Susan: Amazon bit.ly/DanceWithJesus

Linda: How can readers connect with you?

Susan: DanceWithJesus.com. I would love to share a 5-day prayer challenge to help them dig a little deeper into healing. And it’s free!

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Interview with Penny Monetti, Co-author of Honored to Serve, Guidance and Encouragement for Military Families in Transition

July 10, 2015 by 4 Comments

Honored to Serve_catalogWith our recent celebration of the 4th of July, fond thoughts still linger on the brave men and women who have fought to make America free. Many of these military families have unique challenges on the home front as well as the battlefield. Through their two books, Called to Serve and Honored to Serve, Penny Monetti and her husband Lt. Col. Tony Monetti encourage both military and civilian families by providing combat care, recovery, and stress management for trauma and crisis victims. Penny is a Marriage Life Coach, is certified in the neuroscience of anxiety and mood disorders, and serves on Missouri Congresswoman’s Military Advisory Board.

Linda: What motivated you to write books that inspire both military members and civilians to overcome life’s tough challenges?

Penny: Living the military life as an Air Force B-2 bomber pilot’s wife and serving from the home front has truly been an honor. Along with changing addresses as often as a smoke detector changes batteries and forging lifelong friendships with people world wide, I also experienced other unique military-related challenges. Numerous times my husband informed me that he was leaving due to military missions. He could not tell me where or for how long. With young children in tow, I waved my husband off to combat or dangerous exercises, not knowing if and when he would return.

As boxes were packed for the thirteenth move, I reassured my children that they would make new friends again. I witnessed and experienced the collateral damage that combat places on families after war comes home.

Then, as our once seemingly perfect marriage went south, and I became transparent about my marital fires, I discovered the vast expanse of others whose outwardly strong relationships were inwardly dying. These diverse life experiences sparked a burning desire to help fellow military members overcome personal battles and reignite the love in their relationships. However, I surprisingly discovered readers, unaffiliated with military life, also related with our stories, such as couples, single parents, truck drivers, and others whose jobs required travel away from home.

After sharing painful issues such as pornography, temptations, destructive behaviors, and neglecting each others’ unmet needs, my husband Tony and I realized we could inspire others who felt lost, desperate, and as hopeless as we once did.

Many people currently live a life void of joy; they are unaware that the powerful life-changing tools reside within themselves. I believe that God used my painful experiences for His purpose to help others’ marriages not only survive pain but thrive because of pain.

Staying in a Painful Relationship

Linda: If pain prevailed in your relationship, could you tell us why you decided to fight to save it? Was there a defining moment you decided to stick it out?

Penny: At one point Tony and I were living at opposite ends of the house to avoid fighting. Our feelings of love seemingly disappeared. During this time, I read an inspirational book that a friend coincidentally gave me. When the book’s main character recounted her married history, my icy heart melted. I reflected on my own marriage. Tony and I had shared births and the death of our unborn child together. We experienced first steps, 2:00 a.m. fevers, Little League, and piano recitals. We survived wars, served community and country, wiped tears, and built a strong family. At one time, we were each others’ best friends. We couldn’t lose that.

I set the tear-stained book on my nightstand and grabbed my laptop computer. Tony was in London serving as the keynote speaker at a Penny Monetti & Husband B-2week-long aviation symposium. My mom was visiting me. With childcare taken care of, I decided to prove my commitment to Tony through extreme action. I clicked on a travel site and booked a flight the following day (worth a college semester’s tuition) to Great Britain. For the first time, I understood the “for worse” part of the marriage vows. I promised God to love my husband even when the worldly kingdom’s easy answer would be to bail out. As I clicked on the airline’s submit button to purchase the ticket, I truly submitted my marriage to God.

Just because I decided to be obedient to my vows, feelings of love did not magically reappear. Tough times awaited me; however, I hoped that with God’s powerful guidance, we could find our way back to each other and the love we once shared. The rest of this defining experience is included in Called to Serve and for me; it is our most powerful story. Although I couldn’t see it then, I can now look back and see that when I was at the darkest, weakest point in my life, God revealed His strength, turning my pain into His wonderful purpose.

Dealing with Pain

Linda: So are you saying pain can be good?

Penny: Face it. No one raises their hands in the Suffering 101 class shouting, “Pick me. Pick me!”

However, life’s inevitable trials serve a purpose if we choose to view them as a catalyst for growth. Pain serves as a messenger to thwart destructive threats. Our body’s pain receptors message the brain to reflexively remove ourself from danger to avoid further injury.

However, too often, we view pain as the enemy. We will do anything and everything to avoid pain. We down pills and alcohol to numb it. We secretly search for better relationships in person or via social media to escape it. We disassociate from people and experiences that trigger memories of it. We overwork, over commit, and over indulge to deflect it.

Instead of avoiding pain, if we allow ourselves to experience its message, we open doors to the life changing lessons it holds. God does not instruct us to avoid pain; instead he states the opposite. He says that we WILL suffer, yet, He will be at our side. Isaiah 43: 1-3 says, “Fear not… you are mine. When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and through the rivers, they shall not overwhelm you; when you walk through fire you shall not be burned, and the flame shall not consume you (ESV, emphasis mine).

Growth, healing, and a rich marriage relationship occurred because of the painful fires we traveled. When we could not depend on each Called to Serve book coverother, we focused on God, who became a mirror that enabled us to view ourselves as we really are—broken, unworthy sinners in need of a Savior. When we both submitted to God’s control, He began molding our marriage into the union He intended it to be. Proverbs 25:4 says, “Purge the dross from the silver, and material for a vessel comes forth for the silversmith (ISV). Dross is an impure by-product that is purged from silver when placed in a scorching hot furnace, over 600 degrees hot. The dross, also referred to as scum, rises to the top and the refiner removes it so the malleable silver can be molded into a beautiful vessel. Relational scum blocked us from experiencing a deeper, richer, beautiful union. God knew the degrees of refining heat required to render our relationship pure.

Verbal and Physical Abuse in Marriage

Linda: As a professional marriage life coach who specializes in stress management for trauma and crisis victims, what advice do you have if verbal or physical abuse is present?

Penny: I see clients weekly who live in physically or verbally abusive relationships. Many are concerned about remaining obedient to their marital vows and God’s precepts. My advice is this: Never remain in a threatening environment. Protect children and self first.

After the crisis passes, convey to your spouse that protecting the family is necessary, and leaving a dangerous situation is not equivalent to giving up on the relationship. Communicate that you want your spouse in your life, but needs to get healthy for your family come first. Set boundaries and seek to restore the relationship within strict parameters of professional guidance. If both parties are willing, hope exists.

Linda: What advice can you offer to someone who is walking through the fires of a separation?

Penny: While experiencing any stressful life situation, I advocate that individuals practice PMS: the kind you WANT to have. PMS is physical, mental and spiritual balance. Visualize this acronym as a three-legged stool. If one leg is missing, the stool tumbles. To make good mental decisions and be the best partner and parent, incorporate PMS into daily living.

Physical, Mental and Spiritual Balance in Stressful Times

Linda: Could you explain PMS a little more?

Penny: Certainly. Here’s a brief overview.

Physical– Twenty minutes of cardio exercise/day release endorphins and dopamine. These neurotransmitters play a key role in reducing anxiety and depression. According to Mayo clinic, endorphins’ effect on physical pain may be as effective as a dose of morphine. Endorphins are also known to have an anti-aging affect on the body.

Mental– Keep it positive. Surround yourself with supportive friends who encourage. Reduce negative influences that are energy vampires. You know who they are; their high maintenance friendships suck the life from you. Don’t de-friend them on Facebook; however, set boundaries. Focus your energies on encouraging friends.

Add positive self-talk into your inner dialogue, and say positive affirmations OUT LOUD, while including your name, at least three times daily. For instance, “(State your name) is compassionate and a loyal friend.” By listening to positive self-talk, your auditory neural pathways connect with cognitive thoughts and rewire the brain from obsessive self-defeating thoughts to hopeful thinking. After twenty-one days, this action will become a habit.

Spiritual – Studies indicate that prayer and meditation also redirect the brain’s neural pathways responsible for rumination and decreases depression and anxiety. Research shows that less than 1% of married couples who pray together divorce. Pretty amazing when the reported divorce rate is 52%.

Linda: What would you like the readers to take away from this interview?

Penny: If you don’t remember anything else, remember: love is a choice not a feeling. You chose to say I do, and when you vowed love to your spouse, you not only committed your marriage to each other, but also to God. Feelings of love during your marriage may fade, but His love remains steadfast. He promises that when we are weak, He is strong. When two individuals commit to abide in His love, all things are possible.

Linda: Where can readers find more information about you and your ministry?

Penny: The book is presently on sale and can be found at: https://dhp.org/dhp-pages/font-color-red-i-called-to-serve-i-and-i-honored-to-serve-i-font.html Readers can find more about our military ministry on Pennymonetti.com.

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