Overcoming Obstacles in Your Marriage to Find Joy for the Journey

October 17, 2019 by 1 Comment

A True Love Story that Unlocks the Secret of How to Overcome –

I still remember that first phone call from Jolene as she described the situation in her marriage that was causing her such heartache. Her husband’s life and hers were going in two different directions as their expectations diverged and their emotional needs increasingly went unmet. She had tried to get Rick to understand why she was unhappy and what he was doing that was causing such anxiety, hurt, and discouragement. But he simply didn’t get it.

When she called me, she was ready to walk away from the marriage.

“Do you think Marriage 911 would help us?” she asked. “Is ours the type of situation that would benefit from your class?”

I told her I believed it would. And so they came . . . even though Rick still didn’t understand Jolene’s concern. During those thirteen weeks they faithfully went through the Marriage 911 workbook with the class and participated in their individual small groups. Jolene stayed strong, believing God would break through their gridlock as she read Broken Heart on Hold and allowed God to nurture her heart.

Rick struggled honestly to understand, and then somewhere in the middle of the class, my husband Marv, the leader of Rick’s group, spoke words that illuminated a new understanding in Rick’s mind. A light went off. For years afterward, Rick not only remembered my husband’s words verbatim, but repeated them regularly every time he spoke of this incident. “It’s the appearance of impropriety . . . even though it’s not actual impropriety, it’s the appearance of impropriety.” Once he heard the words, the words popped. He saw it. He got it!

As the thirteen weeks wore on, Jolene’s smile grew more radiant as she began to understand Rick’s new appreciation for her concerns. Their communication began to improve. By the end of the class, their marriage had taken a new turn toward wholeness and healing.

Wanting More Joy for the Journey

But Rick and Jolene weren’t satisfied to stop at merely fixing the problem. They wanted more for their marriage. They wanted to avoid any other slips into miscommunication. They had heard enough stories and learned enough to know more was possible. They didn’t want just an okay marriage or even a good marriage. They wanted a fantastic marriage. They wanted to experience true joy for the journey as they traveled this life together. And they were willing to do whatever necessary to pursue that dream.

They went on a weekend retreat called Retrouvaille where they learned to communicate more clearly and connect with each other’s hearts. They took more marriage classes like Love and Respect, Marriage Oneness and others and read books to grow their relationship. They went on a weekend retreat called Weekend to Remember sponsored by Family Life, which took them to a whole new level of appreciation for one another. One of their favorite romantic adventures was going on a Love Like You Mean It Marriage Cruise, sponsored by Family Life.

In the span of about a year they went from a marriage drifting into possible separation or divorce to a marriage that soared with new possibilities. They had found the joy for the journey they’d been looking for.

A Second Phone Call

A little over a year after they had participated in Marriage 911, I received another phone call from Jolene. After telling me about the transformation in their marriage, she told me they now wanted to give back and help others achieve the joy in their marriages like they had found for their own journey. They became leaders in our Marriage 911 class and then began to facilitate other marriage classes as well. They became active in a wonderful Christian program called Tres Dias that took people on a closer walk with Christ. Rick had a heart for men and organized a Stepping Up seminar at church where many men made stronger commitments to God and to their roles as leaders in their home and church.  Rick and Jolene’s marriage became a shining light to others, and for ten years they touched countless other lives and marriages through their ministry.

A New Crisis in Their Marriage

But a year and a half ago, something began happening to Rick that they didn’t understand. A new challenge was unfolding – a life changing one that would take them on a new and frightening journey.

I first noticed it in our Marriage 911 class when I asked Rick, as one of our leaders, to come up to the microphone and offer a prayer. He limped to the front of the room, leaning on a cane. Questions went off in my mind. What was wrong with Rick? Why was he using a cane?

I later learned he had been experiencing weakness in his joints. After a number of doctor’s appointments and medical tests, Rick was diagnosed with ALS.

ALS is a terrible fatal disease that affects nerve cells in the brain and spinal cord, causing loss of muscle control. The muscles all over the body begin to get weaker until paralysis sets in. It’s also called Lou Gehrig’s Disease. In spite of his body growing weaker, however, Rick and Jolene’s faith grew even stronger. They prayed together. They laughed together. And they cried together –always hanging onto hope because they knew their hope was anchored on the solid foundation of Jesus Christ.

And they continued to minister together. At the beginning of this year, Jolene wheeled Rick into our Marriage 911 class in a wheel chair so they could once more share their testimony before our class about how God had healed their marriage. They continued sharing with others all through this time to convey to them how God has given them joy for the journey—even on a journey as difficult as the one they traveled this past year. Because of their beautiful witness, others saw Jesus’ redemptive love and joy shine forth from their lives in a number of venues again and again, even as Rick suffered through debilitating illness and affliction and Jolene walked by his side.

On September 26 of this year, Rick was healed—not in the earthly way we had prayed for—but In God’s infinite mercy He took Rick home before the pain had intensified. God gave Rick a new heavenly body, perfectly designed for Rick’s eternal home in heaven.

Through Jolene’s tears, I see the joy of having a love that endured the pain of their earlier years, a love that overcame misunderstandings and heartache, a love that persevered through sickness and affliction, a love that grew to soar on wings like eagles as together they ministered to other hurting hearts and lives and brought people to Christ so others could experience a joy of their own.

The Love Story Rick Left Behind for Us to Share

But before his homecoming to Heaven, during the early days of his illness when he was being diagnosed with ALS, Rick wrote a love letter to Jolene that says it all. Here is a part of it.

“Having the pleasure of you as my wife has been the best thing that has ever happened to me. I have not always been the best of husbands, but you have stood by me in good times and in bad. I can’t imagine anyone else but you by my side.

As we have learned to show the kind of love and respect that we each need, I have gained a new understanding of how awesome God’s design for marriage can be. Your love for me has made me a better man. You have helped me be the leader of our home and have given me the confidence to be God’s servant to you and others. I thank you for your faith and your love for God.

Thank you for joining me on this wonderful journey. You have given my life purpose. You still are the woman of my dreams and all I could have hoped for. Thank you for loving me for who I am and treating me like a man of God. I love you with all my heart… I love you more”

Rick and Jolene not only overcame, they went further. They learned. They grew. And then they gave to others. Their joy was grounded in the never-changing love of God which fueled their own love, a love that overcame and gave them joy for the journey.

For one last glimpse of the man we are honoring today, you can hear from his own lips and Jolene’s how God has accompanied them throughout their lives and during this difficult battle with ALS to give them joy for the journey. This was taped about a month before God took Rick home.

Video of Rick when he had ALS https://drive.google.com/file/d/1RLXueUn76CB9TFFznnFlT3a0l1H7s3R6/view

 

 

 

 

 

 

“Therefore if you have any encouragement from being united with Christ, if any comfort from his love, if any common sharing in the Spirit, if any tenderness and compassion, 2 then make my joy complete by being like-minded, having the same love, being one in spirit and of one mind. 3 Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit. Rather, in humility value others above yourselves, 4 not looking to your own interests but each of you to the interests of the others” Philippians 2: 1-4

Would you like to leave a comment? How did this story encourage you?

 

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Filed Under: Expectations, Grief, health, health issues, Hope, How to win, joy, Love, Marriage problems, New Directions, Reconciliation, Uncategorized Tagged With: , , , , , , ,

Winning Him Without Words, 10 Keys To Thriving in Your Spiritually Mismatched Marriage

October 10, 2019 by Leave a Comment

Author Interview with Lynn Donovan

If you are a Christian married to an unbeliever, you have a unique challenge in walking out your faith. Lynn Donovan, author of Winning Him Without Words, refers to it as a spiritually mismatched marriage and has traveled this path herself.  If you struggle with how to love both God and your spouse in a way that pleases each of them, I believe you will find hope and inspiration in what Lynn has to share with us today.

In addition to her book, Winning Him Without Words, Lynn is the author of two other related books as well: 10 Keys to Thriving in Your Spiritually Mismatched Marriage, and Not Alone, Trusting God To Help You Raise Godly Kids in a Spiritually Mismatched Home. Lynn has appeared on 700 Club Interactive, Focus on the Family, Dr. James Dobson’s FamilyTalk, and FamilyLife Today

But I will let Lynn introduce herself and tell you more about her story.  Here’s Lynn.

Lynn:  Hello everyone! I’m joining your community this week to share a bit about my God-sized story. I’m so thankful that Linda has asked me to be a part of your home.

My friends, my story is about a Prodigal child – me (Luke 15:11-31). I fled my childhood Sunday school days in my twenties. I left my loving Father for all the promises the world said were mine. I met my husband in these dark years and we fell in love. We were married and for the first three years everything was fine. But the world’s lure proved shallow, unkind and untrue. I heard my faithful Father calling in the distance and He wooed me.

I went running home into the arms of my Papa and was thrilled to once again have a relationship with God. But, I ran home dragging my unbelieving spouse behind me kicking and screaming all the way. To say that my husband was unhappy about this new “Man” in my life, was a serious understatement.

I am unequally yoked.

There are many women such as me who sit alone week after week in church. There are women who are married to men who say they believe and yet they are also like me, living in a spiritually mismatched marriage. We are committed to our marriage covenant and wish to honor our Lord no matter how we arrived in our spiritually mismatched marriage.

My journey has been a crazy adventure, filled with loneliness at times, as my husband and I view life through two different world views. On this journey I’ve had to face fears over my children’s salvation, as well as having to live with the disappointment of attending church alone, wanting to be a “normal” couple, and the most difficult—the rejection of my faith by my best friend on earth.

But don’t feel sad for me….  Because I serve the risen Savior and through His love and power, I have discovered that the unequally yoked can truly thrive while living with an unbeliever. We can grow in our faith, love and respect for our spouse, raise our children to a vibrant faith, and walk in the Presence of the Most High.

Linda:  I’m looking forward to hearing what else you learned on this 22 year adventure, Lynn.  But tell me, what does your husband think about this ministry?

Lynn: By the grace of God my husband is fully supportive of my ministry and he encourages me to help others who are also in spiritually mismatched marriages. I call that a “Way cool God thing.”

Thriving in a Spiritually Mismatched Marriage

Linda:  Lynn, you mentioned to me that you discovered a powerful scripture that changed everything about your marriage.

Lynn: Yes, I did, it is: (Jesus) answered, “‘Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your strength and with all your mind’; and, ‘Love your neighbor as yourself.'” —Luke 10:27

Linda: How did this make a difference in your marriage?

Lynn: When you love God, His Son and the Spirit with all of your heart, soul, mind and strength you are transformed. Your mind is transformed and then disappointment and bitterness no longer has influence in your life. You discover an unending joy bubbles out of you, flowing onto your husband and your children. This kind of love transforms a heart, heals a body, restores a marriage, and leads little ones to faith.

I had to remove my eyes and expectations from my human husband and place all of my hopes upon Christ. When I did this our marriage moved into THRIVING. My husband found freedom to discover God in his own way without my manipulation and I found my expectations were replaced by God explanations. I was transformed by the love of God.

It’s a miracle! Woo Hoo!!!!

And Linda one of my favorite truths I share is this:

A man can ignore a nagging wife, but he can’t ignore the truth of a transformed life.

Linda:  I like that.  But tell me what do you think is the biggest struggle for those who have a spiritually mismatched marriage?

Lynn:  Across the board, men and women, who are married to pre-believers (we like to call them pre-believers) struggle through a season of loneliness. In our book, Winning Him Without Words, the entire first chapter addresses this season. What I want to tell everyone who is unequally yoked is to press forward during this season. This is the training ground for growing your faith into a vibrant, strong and intimate love relationship with the Father.

You can overcome this. You can attend church alone and receive great blessing from your church family. You will discover the truth of Hebrews 13:5 God has said, “Never will I leave you; never will I forsake you.”

Ministering to Your Children in a Spiritually Mismatched Marriage

Linda:  Many times I hear from people who are concerned as to how a spiritually mismatched marriage will affect the children.  What do you say to that?  And have you found specific encouragement in the Bible to help you on this walk?

Lynn:  Yes, there is actually a passage in the Bible that was written just for us. God knew there would be unbelievers married to believers and that’s why 1 Corinthians 7:12-14 exists. Let’s read it from the Message translation as it is rich in meaning and implication. This verse specifically gives me great comfort as a mother raising children in a spiritually mismatched home.

For the rest of you who are in mixed marriages—Christian married to non-Christian—we have no explicit command from the Master. So this is what you must do. If you are a man with a wife who is not a believer but who still wants to live with you, hold on to her. If you are a woman with a husband who is not a believer but he wants to live with you, hold on to him. The unbelieving husband shares to an extent in the holiness of his wife, and the unbelieving wife is likewise touched by the holiness of her husband. Otherwise, your children would be left out; as it is, they also are included in the spiritual purposes of God. —1 Corinthians 7:12-14

I’m learning that when we as believers love Jesus and walk in the power and presence of the Holy Spirit, we impact our environment. And, in fact, we bring God’s will and purposes into our lives and into the lives of our children. The living presence of God within us becomes so powerful that, Paul tells us through the believing spouse every member in the home is sanctified. The living presence of God is so contagious, so powerful, that it creates an umbrella of safety over anyone who comes into that environment.

Linda: So are you saying that it is simply your faith, walked out in the home, which ministers to your children?  Even though your husband has a different worldview, your faith is enough to point the children to God?

Lynn:  Yes, we as believers are uniquely positioned to release the purposes, the love and the very power of God into our children’s lives. Our kids are then included in God’s plans for their lives. They are sanctified—set apart as holy unto the Lord. They belong to the Lord. When we grasp this truth, praying with faith through the Holy Spirit for our kids, we need not live in fear for their salvation. Our love, our example, our Jesus is always enough. I believe this promise for my children’s future and for their eternity.

Wow…… just WOW!  Today if I can talk personally to your readers, I’d like to say, “Let the truth of this passage roar in your spirit. Your faith covers your home. This was a paradigm shift in my thinking and changed how I approached spiritual warfare for my kids and husband. My holiness covers them. They are under the love umbrella of God because an ordinary wife lives with Jesus in her heart and home. Of course, this isn’t a guarantee of their salvation but it is a great encouragement and it keeps me from living in constant fear for their eternity.

And Linda, our faith and our prayers truly impact our spouse. This year, 2019, after 27 years of contending for the faith of my husband, he was baptized on March 14th. As a special gift from the Father, this was ON our wedding anniversary. I pray that those reading this message will find their spouse comes to faith soon. And I affirm each one who is praying for an unsaved loved one. Don’t give up and believe. God is so good and loves your spouse.

Linda: That is so exciting, Lynn! What a beautiful testimony of living out your faith in a spiritually mismatched marriage. That must have been an absolute thrill for you.

Lynn: Yes, and I share more of my overcoming story in my new book, Marching Around Jericho, Praying Your Unsaved Spouse Into The Kingdom. The book launches in January 2020. I pray it reaches the hands of every spouse who walks this unique road of matrimony.

Linda: Thank you, Lynn.  I know this is a serious battle for a number of people reading this interview, and we need a real prayer covering for our homes and our children. Would you like to close us with a prayer?

Lynn: Lord, let this passage bring freedom to every woman and man here today. Let the truth and the power that comes with your living and active Word permeate every place in his or her heart and home. I ask that the Holy Spirit would prove the truth of how the prayers of a righteous mama (or papa) availeth much. In Jesus name. Amen.

Linda, thank you for allowing me to share the hope that I have. Hope is a person, Jesus Christ.

I love you and count it a privilege to be here with your community.

Linda: It’s been a blessing to all of us to hear your story about thriving in the midst of a spiritually mismatched marriage. It’s a message many people need to hear. Please tell us where readers can find out more about your ministry, your book, Winning Him Without Words and your other books.

Lynn:  You can visit me online at http://.spirituallyunequalmarriage.com

 

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Filed Under: BOOKS, Children, Expectations, faith, Hope, Interviews, Love, marriage, Marriage problems, Receiving Christ, Trusting God, Uncategorized, unequally yoked Tagged With: , , , , , , ,

Avoiding the 12 Relationship Mistakes Women Make – Interview with Author Georgia Shaffer

September 18, 2019 by Leave a Comment

Relationships are challenging. And we all make mistakes.. But Georgia Shaffer, author of Avoiding the 12 Relationship Mistakes Women Make, believes there are 12 that are common to all of us, and we can avoid them if we can first identify them and then do the work to overcome them.  In addition to authoring several books, Georgia is a licensed psychologist in Pennsylvania, a Christian life coach, and a professional speaker who is a charter member of AACC’s International Christian Coaching Association. Her story and photos are featured in the film Letters to God, where she shares her story as a cancer survivor who was told over 22 years ago that she had a two percent chance of living another 10 years.

It’s a privilege to be able to spend some time with Georgia so she can share bits of her wisdom with you all.  I’m excited about what you’ll hear from her. And, by the way, Men, don’t let the title fool you. This is for you too.

Linda: In your book, Avoiding 12 Relationship Mistakes Women Make you talk a lot about relational blind spots. We can all relate to the idea of having visual blind spots when driving, but what do you mean by the term “relational blind spot”?

Georgia: A relational blind spot is our inability to see things in ourselves, or in others close to us, as they really are. A blind spot may also be something we do notice but discount as not important when, in fact, that thing is very significant. About 80 percent of the time, we see our connections with others accurately. But 20 percent of the time, we only think we see ourselves or our relationships clearly, when, in fact, we do not. Unfortunately, self-deception is not the exception.

 Linda: What led you to write about relational blind spots in this book?

 Georgia: Years ago when I was researching for a previous book, I came across the concept of “psychological blind spots.” The source did not refer to them as “relational.” As I thought about how they impact our interactions with others, I decided to call them “relational blind spots.”  What’s interesting is that I never learned about these blind spots, even though I’m a licensed psychologist in Pennsylvania. It was a new concept for me.

As I spoke about relational blind spots at retreats and conferences, I realized I wasn’t the only one that didn’t know about their existence.

Our relational blind spots are so important. Jesus talks about them in Matthew 7:3 when he says we fail to pay attention to our blindness. I wrote Avoiding the 12 Relationship Mistakes Women Make to help more people understand that we all have relational blind spots, what they are, and how we can minimize their destructive impact.

Linda: You talk about this for women.  But I don’t want to let the men off the hook here. So tell me, do men have relational blind spots too?

 Georgia: Even though the book focuses on women, men have the same blind spots as women do.

Common Blind Spots

 Linda: What is one of our most common blind spots?

 Georgia: The blind spot of failing to pay attention to our limitations.

 Just like a gas tank has a limited capacity and needs to be refilled to keep a car running, we have a limited amount of financial, physical, mental and emotional resources. If we fail to pay attention to our limits, rather than accepting and accommodating for them, our relationships suffer. Sometimes the relationship consequences of this failure are minor. We might just become mildly annoying and people might wish we would just relax. Other times, failure to heed our limitations can cause irreparable damage—like a divorce.

Rather than ignore our limitations, we need to embrace them. God created us with our particular limitations, so we honor him when we learn to live within them.

We need to be intentional about taking time to recharge and renew ourselves—physically, emotionally, and spiritually.  When I’m trying to do too much too fast, that’s usually when I am most crabby with those around me. Unfortunately, too many times I don’t realize how irritated or exhausted I am until I hurt someone’s feelings.

If your readers are interested in knowing all 12 of the relationship mistakes we make, they might want to visit the free resources page at www.GeorgiaShaffer.com for a complete list.

Linda: Once we realize we have blind spots, what can we do to protect our relationships from the destructive blind spots? Could you give us at least two examples?

Georgia: First, seek God’s wisdom: Jesus told his disciples, “Blessed are your eyes because they see, and your ears because they hear” (Matthew 13:16 NIV). To be like that, we need to pray that the Holy Spirit, the spirit of truth, will guide us and show us what we miss.

Second, listen to wise counsel: Since we can miss what is obvious to others, seeking and listening to wise counsel is vital. Other people usually have a clearer understanding of our shortcomings than we do. A neutral, trustworthy, wise person can give us insight into a difficult situation. In Proverbs 15:31 NLT, we read, “If you listen to constructive criticism, you will be at home among the wise.”

Be sure, however, to seek counsel only from safe, godly people you have learned are trustworthy. Don’t go around asking everyone’s advice. If you do, you will be sure to get bad advice.

Becoming Self-Aware

Linda:  You say that to have healthy relationships we have to see ourselves as we really are. What are some characteristics of people who are self-aware? 

Georgia: People who rate high in self-awareness are:

–        Clear about what they do well and how they can help others

–        Aware of their flaws and hidden motives

–        Willing to spend time on self-reflection

–        Open to learning from their mistakes 

One research study of top performers in a work setting found that 83 percent of them also rated high in self-awareness. If you want to be a top performer in your relationships, then you will cultivate self-awareness.

Linda:  Another interesting blind spot you write about is “Thinking we are the exception to the rule.” Tell me more about that.

 Georgia: We incorrectly assume that other people’s experiences don’t apply to our lives. We do this often. We think we’re different somehow. A friend who read a draft of Avoiding the 12 Relationship Mistakes Women Make told her husband about the illustration I used to discuss this blind spot. I talk about the visual blind spots we have on either side of a car’s front windshield. Unless we move our head forward and backward, something like a truck or pedestrian can be hidden behind the frame that supports the windshield.

“My car doesn’t have that blind spot,” her husband said. A few weeks later, however, he came home from work, shaking.

“What happened?” my friend asked”

“I barely missed hitting a truck that was hidden by that blind spot on the side of my windshield. . . I guess I do have that blind spot after all.”

Although you are unique, that does not necessarily mean you are exceptional. As Romans 12:3 says, “Do not think of yourself more highly than you ought, but rather think of yourself with sober judgment.”

Linda:  While I know we can’t avoid all misunderstandings and conflicts, what is another thing we can do routinely to minimize relational difficulties? 

Georgia: Be willing to cultivate self-awareness. Take time for reflection, asking God to help you see yourself as you are and to understand that he loves and accepts you as you are—the good parts and the unflattering ones.

At first, seeing ourselves as we are is uncomfortable. Once we make that breakthrough, we can make wiser decisions. Most importantly, we can experience the relational freedom God intends for us to enjoy.

 Linda: Thanks, Georgia. This has been helpful in looking at some of the relationship mistakes we make. Tell us again where we can learn more about the other relational blindspots and where we can find more about your book, 12 Relationship Mistakes Women Make. Also, some readers today may want to know how to find out more about your other books, including the one about surviving cancer, as well as your ministry and coaching.

Georgia: Avoiding the 12 Relationship Mistakes Women Make, along with the other books I’ve written, is available at www.GeorgiaShaffer.com on the book page. It can also be found at all online bookstores such as Amazon.com and Barnes and Noble.

 

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Filed Under: BOOKS, How to win, Interviews, marriage, Marriage problems, mistakes, Trying to understand, Uncategorized Tagged With: , , , , , ,

Would I Be Happier with a Divorce?

September 3, 2019 by 6 Comments

When problems begin eating away at your marriage, one question that often rises to the surface is whether you might be happier with a divorce. In fact, if crisis erupts, it may be one of the first options that come to mind.

But would divorce make you happier? Would it resolve the turmoil and nagging anxiety that keeps you off balance?  And would remaining in a seemingly bad marriage keep you miserable?

With these questions in mind, Sociologist Linda Waite and a team of family experts conducted a study of 5,212 married adults a number of years ago, asking them if they were happy, very happy, unhappy, or very unhappy.  Then, five years later, they interviewed these individuals again, asking them the same questions.

The results were surprising.

Of those who originally rated their marriage as unhappy, two-thirds of them who stayed married ranked their marriage as happy five years later. But even more dramatic was the turnaround of those who rated their marriages as VERY unhappy.  Five years after the original interview, eight out of ten of those who initially rated their marriage as very unhappy, now reported five years later that their marriage was now happy.

So what happened?

The most important factor for those couples who turned unhappy marriages into happy marriages was commitment. The study found that in order to overcome obstacles so happiness in the marriage could be achieved, the process had to begin with commitment. Then appropriate change could take place. These couples apparently rejected the idea that they would be happier with a divorce, but how that happiness was attained was accomplished in three different ways.

In some cases, couples actively worked to solve their problems and did. But for others in a second scenario, happiness came about in a different way. For them, the sources of conflicts that had divided husband and wife eventually disappeared as financial and job problems eased, conflicts over children went away, depression let up, or the pain of infidelity faded. Finally, a third group of these overcomers simply found alternative sources of happiness for themselves by not depending on their spouses to make them happy.

These people were not just trying to cope with simple, solvable problems. In interviewing 55 of these formerly unhappy couples who had achieved happiness in their marriages five years later, the researchers found that many of them had endured extended periods of unhappiness, including such things as “alcoholism, infidelity, verbal abuse, emotional neglect, depression, illness, and work reversals.” 1

Those who divorced

So what happened to those who thought they would be happier with a divorce? If they got a divorce, were they happier with the end result?

In this study collected by the National Survey of Family and Households, researchers found that partners who divorced after rating themselves as unhappy in their marriages were typically no happier than those unhappy adults who stayed married—even if they remarried.

After controlling for race, age, gender, and income and rating participants on 12 different measures of psychological well-being, the study showed that “divorce did not typically reduce symptoms of depression, raise self-esteem, or increase a sense of mastery.”2 Although some sources of stress were eliminated, other situations were set in motion by the divorce which resulted in new problems. These included, “the response of one’s spouse to divorce, the reactions of children, potential disappointments and aggravation in custody, child support, and visitation orders, new financial or health stresses for one or both parents, and new relationships or marriages.”3

So what’s the answer? Would you be happier with a divorce?

When we consider the three types of approaches mentioned by the researchers that enabled couples to turn unhappy marriages into happy marriages, the attitude chosen by the third group of overcomers who found alternative sources of happiness may be the best place to start. Instead of relying on their partners to make them happy, they found something else to focus on. No one can meet all of our needs, and when we depend on our spouses to make us happy, they will invariably fall short. Only God can meet all of our needs. So for us as believers, when problems come, if we begin by focusing on Jesus instead of our spouse, He can lift us above those painful circumstances and give us a peace and joy that surmounts the stress of our situation. He can open our eyes to the answers He has for us . . . and that brings us to the plan used by the first group who overcame a bad marriage to turn it into a good marriage . . .

Change.

When we focus on God, He can show us the changes He wants us to make as individuals to make us into the persons He wants us to be. He can also lead us to make needed changes in our relationship. As believers, we are all hopefully in the process of becoming who God wants us to be, and when we surrender our situations to Him, He can use them to purify our hearts and lives. His Word shows us how to communicate in healthy ways, and when we spend more time poring over God’s Word to find the wisdom He has for us, we can begin to see new ways to improve our relationships.

And that brings us to the second group who simply seemed to outlast their problems. What is true today might not be true tomorrow.  Our lives are ever-evolving. Circumstances change. Children grow up. Jobs come and go. Finances can change dramatically. When we make serious lifelong decisions based on a temporary juncture in life, we cut short our ability to see God’s overall plan for redemption and reconciliation. When we can join with our spouse to push through these temporary stresses, the partnership we form together can outlast life’s troubles and worries to create a beautiful and lasting union we will celebrate in times to come. When we give God time to work and surrender our problems to Him, He is faithful to give us answers along with His peace and joy

Tipping the Scales

So would you be happier with a divorce?

When we grow impatient with our circumstances and seek relief from the pain and discomfort they bring, divorce may appear to be the answer. And in some cases, such as with physical abuse or a spouse who persists in a sinful lifestyle that harms the family, there may be no other choice. But as the above study suggested, in many cases, we may just be inviting new problems into our life.

What can tip the scales in favor of fighting for our marriages is how much we believe in the power and wisdom of God.

When we believe that God is sovereign and has the power to move mountains, we can also rest in the assurance that He can change hearts and lives. If we believe His promise that He does indeed bring beauty from ashes, we can give the ashes of a crumbling marriage to Him while we wait for the beauty and joy of resurrection to appear.  Then we will discover the truth of Psalm 30:5, which says, “Weeping may endure for a night, But joy comes in the morning.”

 

If you are willing to fight for your marriage, let me walk with you through the pages of my book, Fighting for Your Marriage while Separated. There you will find practical help that can guide you toward reconciliation even if you’re fighting for your marriage alone.

Statistics and quotes above taken from: “Does Divorce Make People Happy? Findings from a Study of Unhappy Marriages” by Linda J. Waite, Don Browning, William J. Doherty, Maggie Gallagher, Ye Luo, and Scott M. Stanley, Institute for American Values.

What do you think of the results of this study? Add a comment and share what’s on your mind.

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Filed Under: Conflict, disappointment, Divorce, Hope, How to win, loss, Love, Marital separation, marriage, Marriage problems, Problems, Reconciliation, Trusting God, Uncategorized Tagged With: , , , , , , , , , ,

The Power of Forgiving the Unforgivable

August 21, 2019 by Leave a Comment

Guest post by Andrea Chatelain

The situation was out of my control as I watched people I love stung by betrayal.

With anger, sadness, and hope all fighting for my attention, my emotions swung back and forth to become a bitter weapon at one moment or a peaceful salve at another. I felt useless—until I realized the healing power I possessed, but was holding back: undeserved forgiveness.

When the people I love are hurt, my first reaction is sometimes to speak and act out of my emotion rather than my faith. But as I recently navigated relational pain, God pushed me to remember my story—how He pursued me. He used some of my darkest moments for my good, to bring me closer to Him in faith. And if it’s true for me, it’s true for those who’ve hurt me too.

Jesus taught and modeled some hard lessons to swallow. Love your enemy. Be peacemakers. Pursue mercy. Forgive because your Heavenly Father has forgiven you. These commands all sound good, until you have to put them into practice. If you’re like me, your heart sends out condemning messages instead like, You hurt me! You don’t deserve my forgiveness! How could you do that? That was wrong.

That’s why I need the Holy Spirit to guide my thoughts. I have to check in with truth in Scripture of what I’ve freely received from God and never deserved.

Like this…

“So if there is any encouragement in Christ, any comfort from love, any participation in the Spirit, any affection and sympathy, complete my joy by being of the same mind, having the same love, being in full accord and of one mind. Do nothing from selfish ambition or conceit, but in humility count others more significant than yourselves” (Philippians 2:1-3 ESV).

That Scripture challenges me to ask, what do I get from knowing Jesus? And do others receive the overflow from me?

I think of how He’s comforted and encouraged me through depression and anxiety. How in Him I found mercy and unconditional love in spite of my rebellion. As I reflected on times I screwed up big or small, hurt others, or acted foolish and sinful, I map out evidence that God pursued me in my pits. It’s the jolt of reality I need to help me forgive others well.

God grew a beautiful faith out of my blunders. Knowing He loved me despite my imperfection, switches my mindset towards others who outwardly offend. God’s actively redeeming their story too. No matter how far they’ve gone.

So when my thoughts want to condemn the people who feel like my enemy, the Holy Spirit counters saying, Who are you to stand in my way of redeeming my people? I bought you back when you were a sinner. And I’m on a mission to free them too. You get to choose what role you want to play. You can be a mirror of the undeserved life-giving forgiveness that I extended to you, or you can harbor bitterness that leads them farther away.

 We forgive because we’ve been forgiven. But we also forgive because we know that knowing Jesus is the only way for our enemies to change. It’s a springboard for God to do His redemptive work in their lives.

 Paul urges this, saying, “For such a one, this punishment by the majority is enough, so you should rather turn to forgive and comfort him, or he may be overwhelmed by excessive sorrow. So I beg you to reaffirm your love for him” (2 Corinthians 2:6-8 ESV).

I’ve seen people punished by the majority for their sins. And at times, I wanted to heap coals on the fire too. But God calls us to be a different kind of firelight.

When we choose the harder way of forgiveness, Paul says we save that person from excessive sorrow and we bring them back into love. It’s a beautiful picture of the gospel. The person will never forget it. And you can be sure God will use your faithfulness for His glory and your good.

What have you received freely from Christ? When have you felt His comfort, love, and mercy? When have you needed forgiveness? Reach out, reaffirm your brotherly or sisterly love for someone who perhaps doesn’t deserve forgiveness. Pray that God uses your obedience to help that person experience God’s love in a big way. And trust that He is actively working in their story just like He redeemed yours.

About the Author

Andrea Chatelain’s mission is to meet those who are struggling and love them forward with God’s truth. She’s a Midwest mom of three, faith and family writer at A Fruitful Woman, writer/speaker for WhollyLoved Ministries, and college English instructor to immigrants and refugees. She believes God is still in the business of restoring and redeeming His people, and she loves connecting with others to remind them of God’s love.

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Filed Under: Conflict, disappointment, forgiveness, Jesus, Problems, Prodigals, Reconciliation, Uncategorized Tagged With: , , , ,

Why Can’t He Be More Like Me?, Author Interview with Poppy Smith

July 10, 2019 by Leave a Comment

“Why can’t he be more like me?”

I’m sure many of us women have looked at our husbands at times and struggled with that question. Why does he do the things he does? Why can’t he think and act the way I do? In my interview with Poppy Smith about her book, Why Can’t He Be More Like Me?, you will learn her answer to that bewildering question.  It’s clear to me that Poppy feels deeply about marriage and the importance of sharing what she’s learned with women who are grappling with this issue, for despite a very busy schedule, she graciously worked this interview with me in between edits of her newest book and flights in and out of the country for speaking engagements.

Poppy Smith is British, married to an American, and is an international speaker and multi-published author.  Her delightful sense of humor and honest practicality is evident in some of her book titles: I’m Too Young to Be This Old; and I’m Too Human to Be Like Jesus.  I believe you will be encouraged by the wisdom she has to share with you.

Linda: Tell us why you wrote Why Can’t He Be More Like Me. Does it come from your personal struggles?

Poppy:  Marriage is difficult for many reasons and our culture’s message is, If you’re unhappy, move on. But God has another message, use your difficulties and differences to grow closer to Him and let Him change you.

I’m from England and met and married my American husband, Jim, when I lived and worked as a secretary in Kenya. Neither of us was in ministry. I was a young, immature Christian and Jim was a doctor with the Peace Corp. Six weeks after our wedding we came to America. I was 22, an immigrant without family or friends. Jim was the only person I knew and he was buried in his studies and work. Desperately lonely, I became very angry, questioning what I had done and where God was. I wanted to run back to Kenya or England, but knew that wasn’t what God wanted.

I was miserable for many years, but bit by bit God helped me. I learned to analyze where our problems were coming from, how to adjust my expectations, and how to accept life with someone who was my total opposite. As a speaker, author, and spiritual life-coach, I’ve found that through my difficult experiences I’m able to identify with and minister to both single and married women. I wrote, Why Can’t He Be More Like Me? to help women who are considering marriage, or baffled and upset by the man they married. It is full of practical tools and quizzes to help singles and couples understand themselves and why their relationship isn’t all they dreamed of and what they can do about it.

Linda: What do you think lies behind difficulties in marriage?

 Poppy:  There are many reasons. We have expectations that we’ve never been aware of, until we find them not being met.  Often we assume we have the same ways of looking at things, same values, same tastes, and same priorities.  We think our way of thinking and doing things is normal and wonder what the matter is with our spouse. My chapter, He’s Not My Clone, deals with many of these reasons.

 Linda: Do you think that a couple’s different upbringings can sometimes contribute to difficulties?poppy-smith

Poppy: Yes, even if you marry the boy next door, you still had different upbringings that can produce conflict. I expected my husband to lock the doors at night because my father did, Jim didn’t think about it because they never locked their home on the farm.  I tackle this common source of many disagreements in We Weren’t Raised in the Same Home. We can have different values, work ethics, ideas on raising children, handling conflict, money, communication and countless other issues because we were raised differently.

Linda: What about their different personalities and ways of processing information and events?

Poppy: Research shows that the brains of men and women are wired differently.  Understanding this fact can reduce a lot of conflict.  Understanding your personality type is also extremely helpful.  You might want to be involved in lots of events, but your spouse might prefer a quieter life. He might have high energy and want to be the life of the party, maybe he is loud or dominant. You might be the opposite, soft-spoken and preferring quiet.  Opposites often attract, but unless both partners learn to accept and respect one another, their differences can often lead to attacks.   There’s no perfect match of personalities that will ensure a happy marriage. In the end, every relationship is determined by how you treat each other. Appreciate your different strengths and focus on them.

Linda: In Why Can’t He Be More Like Me, you talk about men and women having some emotional needs in common, but they also have different needs.  Tell us more about that.

Poppy: Studies show that a primary need of women is affection.  For men, it is sexual intimacy.

Most of us feel loved when our husband spontaneously hugs and kisses us.  The majority of men, however, feel loved and accepted when their wife is sensitive to their sexual needs. Both want to feel loved, but it is perceived in different ways.  God made men with a legitimate sexual hunger that we are to respect as part of His design. Other human needs we have in common are attention, admiration, companionship, encouragement and domestic support.

Linda: Learning to communicate so you both hear what the other is saying is a key part of understanding each other.  What have you found most helpful?

Poppy: I took it for granted that my husband would know when I wanted attention and affection. That he’d know the sweet, soothing words I needed when I was upset. When this didn’t happen, I was hurt and wallowed in disappointment and negativity toward him.  I’ve learned that I need to adjust my expectations of him, because he just doesn’t think or respond as I would. He’s not bad, he’s a man. He’s not a woman and he’s not my clone.  I now explain my feelings and needs to him and ask for what I want at that moment. In addition, we’ve both learned to speak up when we feel hurt by the other. This enables us to apologize and grow closer as a couple.  

Linda: How can a couple find healthy ways to deal with conflict.

Poppy: I give many steps to defuse conflict in He Handles Conflict One Way, I Handle It Another. Four simple tips are: Learn to stop and ask yourself: what is this conflict about? Sometimes you’re reacting to different issues and don’t realize it.

Listen to each other’s reasoning and feelings without interrupting.

Decide what’s best for your relationship, not who is right.

Practice taking turns with who gets their preference.

Linda: Where can people find your book, Why Can’t He Be More Like Me?

Poppy:  You can order it anywhere books are sold. I’m delighted to send a signed copy if it’s ordered from my website: www.poppysmith.com  Your readers can find more at my website about my other books and the various topics I speak on—including marriage, domestic violence, the power of our words, and how to thrive no matter what.

 

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Understanding Personality Differences in Your Marriage

July 3, 2019 by 2 Comments

Photo by andrew welch on Unsplash

One of the odd and sometimes sad realities of many marriages is that the opposites, which originally contributed to your falling in love, can actually begin to erode the relationship in the later stages of marriage. The same opposites that first attracted you can eventually become annoying and bring about conflict.

To the serious minded person, that happy-go-lucky personality that originally beguiled her can begin to feel frivolous and unsupportive. She wants someone who helps around the house and relieves some of the workload. Likewise, for the fun-loving person who was originally drawn to the character strengths of his serious-minded mate, those qualities can eventually begin to seem dull, drab, and unexciting. He doesn’t want to spend his time working; he wants someone who likes to have fun.

In this kind of scenario, resentments can grow and marriages begin to unravel.

But it doesn’t have to be this way. Understanding those basic personality traits and learning to use the strengths and weaknesses of each partner to compliment the other can actually give you a stronger marriage and fill in the gaps. As you learn to appreciate each other’s strengths and humbly admit your own weaknesses, you become a stronger team to face life’s challenges.

Ann and Rocky

 

“When we learned about the personality differences and saw that I was a lion and he was an otter, we began to understand why we had some of the conflicts we had,” Ann told our Marriage 911 class when she and her husband gave their testimony a few years after they had reconciled from a four year separation. ”It was so much easier for us to work together and make the most of our strengths and weaknesses. Understanding the personalities made a huge difference in our relationship and the way we interacted with each other.”

The “lion” and “otter” Ann refers to are the terms sometimes used to describe two of the four personality types first developed by Hippocrates. The more universal terms used by him and many personality professionals are sanguine, choleric, melancholy, and phlegmatic. The animal equivalents Ann referred to are otter, lion, beaver, and golden retriever. Some newer and more descriptive terms developed by Linda Golden and Linda Goldfarb in their book, Linked, Maximizing Life Connections One Link at Time, are socializer, mobilizer, organizer, and stabilizer.

Understanding Personality Differences

As Gilden and Goldfarb describe them, the socializer or sanguine is the  playful one or the life of the party, the mobilizer or choleric is the powerful personality that gets things done, the organizer or melancholy is the purposeful personality who keeps everything in order, and the stabilizer or phlegmatic is the easy going one who keeps things peaceful.

When my husband Marv and I took the tests, we discovered he falls into the sanguine, otter, socializer cagegory, and I am the melancholy, beaver, organizer. Marv has a great sense of humor, is a good conversationalist and a people magnet and is generally tuned into the pop culture. I am more serious and analytical, usually have a list to accomplish, and love working with words. My secondary trait is socializer and  his is stabilizer. I love the fun he brings into my life, and he appreciates my nesting instincts that keep our lives in order.

Through the years we’ve gradually learned how our personality characteristics can work together to form a more perfect union as man and wife, but it has taken time.

Packing for Family Vacations

When Marv and I went on a recent trip to the mountains, we laughed at the angst we used to experience in our early marriage when we took vacations with the children. One of the stresses we regularly encountered was the job of packing the car. Being the husband, the father, and the man of the house, he would haul the suitcases out to the car and load them into the trunk. I would typically come out, look inside, and want him to rearrange things to make more room for additional bags and paraphernalia the children and I would bring.  It was one of the conflicts that often put a damper on the start of family road trips.

After many years of such frustration, we finally came to a realization about our innate strengths and weaknesses and made a change that satisfied us both. So today while he is stronger than I and carries the suitcases out to the car, I take on the role of organizer and happily set about moving the suitcases and bags around in the trunk until everything fits perfectly. For me as the melancholy, beaver, organizer personality, it is like putting together a puzzle. Meanwhile, he can sit back and watch me maneuver things around while getting out some music CDs to play in the car. As a result, the car is less crowded and more neatly put together and the trip more enjoyable.. Both of us are happy.

Discovering Your Personality Types

By taking the tests at one of the links below, you can discover your own personality type and that of your spouse. Often you will find you have a dominant personality type and one that runs a close second. When you recognize your own strengths and weaknesses and those of your mate you can begin to work together as a team by minimizing your own weaknesses in the home environment and benefiting from each other’s strengths.

Eventually, you may find that when you step back from some of your misunderstandings and look at them from the perspective of your personality differences, problematic practices can be tweaked so both of you win.

You can take an online test at one of the following links to discover your own personality types and that of your spouse.

Gotoquiz.com

Solvemymaths.files.wordpress.com

For more help in bringing reconciliation to a troubled marriage, read Fighting for Your Marriage while Separated.

 

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Understanding Your Spouse’s Love Language

June 26, 2019 by Leave a Comment

How do we express love to our spouse? And how can we be sure our husband or wife really feels our love? Without feeling loved, misunderstandings in a marriage can sometimes become magnified. Even though we tell our spouse we love them and do what we can to show it, he or she still may not feel loved. Saying I love you isn’t always enough.

The Five Love Languages

In Gary Chapman’s revolutionary book, The Five Love Languages, Chapman lays out his now-popular theory that love is expressed and experienced in five different ways. He calls these love languages. Each person, he believes, responds more favorably to one or two of them, making it important for husbands and wives to express love through the preferred love language of their spouse. He describes the love languages as quality time, words of affirmation, acts of service, gifts, and physical touch.

At one of Chapman’s seminars at a marriage conference I attended, Chapman told the story of a couple who came to him for counseling. The woman complained of not feeling loved, but her husband expressed incredulity. He didn’t understand how she felt this way because of all the many things he did to try to please her and show his love. His wife responded that what he said was true, but he never spent time with her. As Gary Chapman delved deeper with this couple, he discovered the problem was that they spoke different love languages. The husband was showing love through “acts of service.” But the wife wanted to receive love through “quality time.”

In any good marriage we need to feel loved by our partner. When we don’t, there’s a void. Not surprisingly, when a spouse’s emotional need for love is not being met, that person can easily interpret the void as rejection. Feeling rejected leaves a person vulnerable to various escapes and some of those can be destructive to the marriage. Chapman explained that since few husbands and wives share the same love language, misunderstandings often occur when one marriage partner needlessly goes around feeling unloved.

Understanding the Five Love Languages

So how do we show love to our partner in a way that will be meaningful to them? How do we apply these love languages to our relationships?

Quality time – When a person’s love language is quality time, they feel loved when their spouse wants to spend time with them. If a husband or wife is too busy at work or devoting time to the children, the spouse may feel neglected. Quality time does not just mean sitting in front of the TV together, it means actually spending time interacting. It can be sitting and talking, going to dinner or a movie, riding bikes together or taking a walk – anything in which you can actively enjoy each other’s company.

Words of affirmation – If words of affirmation is your spouse’s love language, he or she will feel loved when you pay a compliment, offer encouraging words, say “I love you,” or speak with kindness and affection. Proverbs 16:24 says, “Pleasant words are a honeycomb, sweet to the soul and healing to the bones.” Positive words always carry power in a relationship, but for those whose love language is words of affirmation, encouraging words are even more important. In my book, Fighting for Your Marriage while Separated, I spend an entire chapter on this subject. Positive and affirming words can make an enormous difference in whether or not your spouse feels loved.

Acts of service – Those who have this love language may have just the opposite reaction to what is described above. If you tell your mate you love her and pay her compliments, but she doesn’t see your words backed up by actions, she may see the words as meaningless. She (or he) feels that if you really loved her (or him), you would do things to show it. When you don’t, your words or other gestures seem empty and your spouse may feel distant from you. As a result, feelings can grow cold. Taking your spouse a cup of coffee in the morning, doing the dishes for her, making him a nice meal speaks of love to someone whose love language is acts of service.

Gifts –  If one spouse looks forward to receiving nice gifts on special occasions, but gift giving is not a part of his spouse’s repertoire, a spouse may feel ignored and unloved if gift giving is his love language. Receiving a thoughtful gift from his spouse makes him feel special. He feels loved when you’ve taken the time to think about getting a present and then go out and get it. A spontaneous gift for no reason is a special treat as well as remembrances on special days.

Physical touch – Some people crave physical touch like hugs, hand holding, or a sweet kiss. If you are not a touchy feely person, times together with your spouse may lack physical touching. But if physical touch is your spouse’s love language, your husband or wife may have experienced feelings of rejection if times together lack this physical dimension. Sex may be one “dialect” of this love language, but more often it refers to non-sexual touch like an arm around her shoulder, a back rub, or merely holding hands.

Without understanding your spouse’s love language, you may have inadvertently neglected to show love in a manner your partner understands and appreciates. Consequently, reaffirming your love in a way that shows it rather than says it, speaks volumes. Fighting for your marriage by using your spouse’s love language whenever you have a chance can promote healing and, if you are separated or going through a troubled time in your marriage, speaking the right love language can possibly reignite the love that has been lost.

To understand more about the love languages, read The Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman.

Read more about how to reconcile a broken marriage in my book, Fighting for Your Marriage while Separated., A Practical Guide for the Brokenhearted.

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Using Positive Words to Become a Rainmaker in Your Marriage

June 19, 2019 by Leave a Comment

Photo by Morgan Sessions on Unsplash

Although Florida summers are known for their humidity and rain, one year the hot summer sun sizzled across the Florida landscape for several weeks with hardly a trace of rain.  Fires broke out. Yards turned brown and plants were dying. Water bills skyrocketed. When the refreshing rains finally came, I and my fellow Floridians sighed with relief.

As I reminisced about the arid weather that year that caused everything to wither, I thought about relationships that sometimes wither for lack of nourishment. Too often, each person looks to the other for love without realizing they themselves are the rainmakers.  Each of them—by themselves—could bring refreshment to their relationship through the power of uplifting and positive words.

In general, we all know the importance of words.  But often we fail to distinguish the differences in how a man and woman perceive them.  What is important to a woman isn’t necessarily what encourages a man. . . and vice versa.

Meeting Emotional Needs

Early in the separation between my husband and me, I was stunned to realize how terribly my words had missed the mark in meeting his needs.  I thought I was a fairly nice person.  I didn’t cuss or swear.  I didn’t call names.  I didn’t lie.  I tried to be considerate.  So when I started reading books on marriage and honing in on changes I needed to make in myself, I was startled to discover how utterly lacking I was in meeting my husband’s emotional needs.

But why?  Why did I fail in this regard?  One reason can be explained quite simply:  I am a woman and my husband is a man.

John Gray, in his book, Men are From Mars, Women are from Venus, describes the differences in the emotional needs of men and women in the following way.  A man’s primary emotional needs are “trust, acceptance, appreciation, admiration, approval, and encouragement.”  However, “caring, understanding, respect, devotion, validation, and reassurance,” meet the emotional needs of a woman.

As a woman, I assumed the comments I found encouraging would also be uplifting to my husband.  And sometimes I got it right. But too often I didn’t. In the e-mails I get from readers and in the classes my husband and I lead, I have seen how common a problem this is for us as husbands and wives. Yes, men see things through a masculine lens. Women view things from a feminine one. Even science has now shown the differences between the perceptions of men and women through the studies of the brain.

Let’s look at what happens in the common course of our marriages.

Positive Words for the Men

During the demands of everyday family life, a woman‘s verbal exchanges often shift from fostering a relationship to fostering a routine. To move forward with life, we may lose the sense of our husband’s personal needs and focus on responsibilities instead. He becomes our partner in solving problems and fulfilling responsibilities rather than a person who needs the appreciation we may have lavished on him when we were dating or first married.

When our husbands return home from work, we may greet him with a kiss followed by a litany of the frustrations of our day. Okay, the kiss shows we care (we think); the litany of frustrations is a request for understanding. The husband’s eyes gloss over. Having finished his workday, he is looking for approval and appreciation for his contribution to the family. He secretly hopes for an enthusiastic greeting that welcomes him home as hero and man of our dreams.

One of our pastors described with obvious pleasure the greeting he often receives from his wife when he returns home at night. Upon hearing him come in the door, his wife hurries to meet him with a smile, exclaiming, “Here’s my man!” The grin on his face as he told the story said it all. That one statement met many of his emotional needs all wrapped into a few words.  In short, he felt admired, accepted, and appreciated all at once.

Positive words of appreciation like “thank you” and “I think that’s really great that you___ (fill in the blank)” lifts a man’s spirits.  When your husband relates an accomplishment at work, congratulating him with “You’re the greatest; I’m so proud of you,” feeds his need for admiration and makes his spirits soar. Is he feeling like a failure?  Showing confidence in him with, “I know you can do it, or you’ll do better tomorrow,” expresses approval, encouragement, and trust.

When a man messes up, words like, “I know you had a hard day; it’s okay,” gives him a sense of a world in harmony. Celebrating his finishing the 10K with cheers and congratulations—even if he finished last—encourages him and makes him feel appreciated.

In contrast, when a wife says, “Oh, there’s a parking place over there,” another woman might see that as a caring and supportive comment, but a man’s interpretation is that you are not trusting him to find the parking place. Chances are, he even sees a comment like this as controlling and lacking respect.

Sometimes it’s hard as women to just be silent.  But at times no words are the most positive words.

Positive Words for the Women

So what about husbands? How do men miss the mark in meeting the needs of their wives?

Before he marries, a man focuses his attention on his wife-to-be, but afterwards the hunter in him shifts his attention to his career. He walks in the door thinking about his need for personal time and hopes to be appreciated for what he’s accomplished during his work day.  He looks to his wife to be his fan, his support person.

When his wife meets him at the door with a list of her troubles, he sighs in frustration, assuming he is expected to fix all her problems. But what she really wants is understanding, respect, and validation. He only needs to sit and listen and validate her for doing her best, and that is enough. At the end of his listening, she will feel understood, respected, validated, and reassured—emotional needs met and few words needed. He does not have to fix the problem.

To be a loving husband, upon arriving at home a man needs to shift gears and reach outside of himself so he can open his ears and heart  to what his wife has to say about her day.  He needs to study her needs, and be ready to communicate, realizing it’s not yet time to tune out.

At various times, saying, “I love you,” “This was a great dinner” or “you look beautiful in that new blouse,” gives her the feeling of being cared for, validated, and reassured. When you see her struggling to open a jar or having difficulty with a project, saying, “Here, let me help you with that” and then doing it if she wants you to, shows that you care.

When she has something to tell you, listen. That shows respect. When she cries, put your arm around her or hold her hand and tell her you love her. That shows devotion and caring.  On the other hand, when you don’t say encouraging words in circumstances like these, she may feel you don’t care, don’t respect her, and don’t understand.

When your wife expresses ideas that are different from yours, listen. Instead of bulldozing them, try them on for size. If your wife is complaining about you, really listen.  Instead of getting defensive, take a deep breath, nod your head and say “Okay, I’ll think about that.” Then go to the Bible or talk to a Christian friend to see if there is truth to her concerns. If there is, act accordingly. She will feel validated, understood and cared for.

For both men and women, positive listening and patient silences can be just as important as positive words.

Positive Words When Separated

But whether you’re a man or a woman, what if you’ve really blown it?  Perhaps your marriage is in crisis or you’re separated?  Sit down and think about positive words or actions that can meet the emotional needs of your spouse.  Make a list. Then take advantage of each time you are together to put them into action.

The bottom line, however, is that in our human fallenness, none of us is adequate to meet all the emotional needs of our spouses.  Only God can do that.  And only God can give us the wisdom to satisfactorily meet even some of their needs ourselves.  But as we look to Him in humility and ask for guidance, He will strengthen our hearts and show us how to love.  When the Bible instructs men “to love their wives” and a woman “to respect her husband,” it tells us there’s a difference in the needs of men and women.  When we explore this instruction further and flesh it out in real life situations and words we understand, we will learn how to nourish marriages that were in the process of withering for lack of love.

For more help in healing a hurting marriage, my new book, Fighting for Your Marriage while Separated, might give you the support you’re looking for.

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Understanding our Differences

June 12, 2019 by Leave a Comment

Why do we like differences?

Why do we not like differences?

Yes, two opposite questions and two opposite assumptions.

Sometimes differences are exciting and add vibrancy and variety to our lives. Other times differences are irritating and rub us the wrong way.

If everything and everyone was the same, it might be boring, right? We like life to be colorful and interesting. But when people are different, we can have a hard time understanding and relating to something that is unfamiliar to our own thinking.

Last week I did two interviews. One was for women on a show called “Girlfriendit!” And a few days later I did an interview on a show for men called “Real Men Connect.” (This one won’t go on air for another 3 weeks.) The questions and the perspectives by the interviewers were vastly different; in one case we spoke into the needs and emotional responses of a woman, and in the other case we spoke into the needs and natural inclinations of a man. But in both cases the interview was for people who want to fight for their marriage during a separation or a troubled period in their relationship.

Last week my blog interview with Joyce Zook about her book 12 Keys for Marriage Success, What a Wife Can Do To Create a Wonderful Marriage was directed to women. The interview brought out some of the differences of men and women that a woman might want to consider in trying to improve her marriage. In a few weeks, I hope to have another interview with a man who brings out a man’s perspective.

Differences. It’s important to understand them.

For the next few weeks on Heart Talk, I want to talk about differences. What I’ve found over the years is that sometimes the frustrations we feel with our mates are not because our spouses are intentionally doing something to be selfish, ornery, or difficult. Instead, natural differences between us cause them to act in ways that simply do not correspond with our own expectations.

These can be:

  • men/women differences,
  • personality differences, or
  • differences in what makes us feel loved by our spouse.

So for the next few weeks, join me in this discussion. And if you have perspectives you’d like to add or questions you’d like to ask, I welcome them. Let’s discuss differences.

What are some of the good things you appreciate about differences between you and your spouse?

Read more about how to reconcile a broken marriage in my book, Fighting for Your Marriage while Separated., A Practical Guide for the Brokenhearted.

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Filed Under: Conflict, disappointment, Expectations, marriage, Marriage problems, Problems, Uncategorized Tagged With: , , , ,
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