Seedbed of Discovery

April 24, 2019 by Linda Rooks Leave a Comment

Create in me a clean heart, O God; and renew a right spirit within me. (Psalm 51:10 KJV)

Dressed in jean shorts and an old shirt, I pull on my gardening gloves, grab the Folgers coffee can where I keep my gardening tools and head to the patch of dirt by the screen porch. Winter has now passed, and my Florida spring garden needs refreshing. With the annuals from last year gone, invasive ferns have already encroached on the area, and a number of weeds have popped up.

I crouch on my knees beside the bed and dive into my work. Weeds need pulling, dirt needs loosening and holes need digging. As I work, I think about the beauty that will take place once I’m done. For it is here I create a seedbed of discovery where the flowers I bought at the nursery can begin to grow and bloom.

But first I need to dig into the dirt. When peat and fertilizer get mixed into the soil and dust flies everywhere, I’m in the midst of it. I ruthlessly pull weeds, dig holes for planting, scoop up soil and pat it down around the new plants. Although I wear gloves, dirt manages to find thin places and tears in the fabric, and the powdery Florida sand works its way beneath my fingernails. Fine grains have even seeped through the canvas of my tennis shoes. At the end of my labor, the flower bed looks pretty, but I don’t. I’m a mess. I’m covered with dirt.

But I really don’t mind the dirt. Strangely, when the dirt and I intermingle in the garden, I feel closer to God and the outdoors I love. It’s here pulling weeds and digging in the dirt, that God often whispers His words of wisdom to me, life changing truths written through the analogies of nature. It often becomes the seedbed of my own discovery.

Like digging in the garden to make things beautiful, life sometimes means getting down into the dirt and feeling a little dirty in order to find the truth. Cleaning up our lives means conquering avoidance. Overcoming problems means facing things we don’t like, plunging forward, grappling with the unlovely things in our relationships or our own natures. We can’t pretend they’re not there. We can’t turn our head. We can’t stay on our gardening pillow. Sifting through the dirt can lead us to the seedbed of our discovery.

“If you call out for insight and cry aloud for understanding, and if you look for it as for silver and search for it as for hidden treasure, then you will understand the fear of the Lord and find the knowledge of God. For the Lord gives wisdom and from his mouth come knowledge and understanding. He holds victory in store for the upright, he is a shield to those whose walk is blameless” (Proverbs 2:3-8).

Although I like the pursuit of gardening and don’t even mind getting dirty, my reward at the end is a lovely, refreshing shower. The flow of cool water spilling over my sweaty and dusty body cleanses and renews me, and I am ready for the rest of the day.

When we honestly look at ourselves in this seedbed of discovery and allow God to show us the changes we need to make, He is so amazingly gracious. He doesn’t leave us there in our sin or make us wallow in our past even though we may fear He will. For when we focus our gaze on Him and allow His word to refresh our souls, His Spirit washes through us and makes us clean. He renews our hearts and minds and sets us on a path to a future of grace and goodness so we are ready for what comes next.

But sometimes it begins by digging down into our own seedbed of discovery so we can learn the truths God has waiting for us.

“Be transformed by the renewing of your mind.” Romans 12:2

What do you need to face right now? How can God’s Holy Spirit refresh you and make you clean?

©Linda Rooks 2019

Fighting for Your Marriage while Separated is now available at your favorite online retailers.

Filed Under: Conflict, God's Word, Marriage problems, mistakes, New Directions, Problems, sin, Time with God, Trusting God, Truth, Uncategorized Tagged With: conflicts, confusion, New Directions, problems, seeking answers

Don’t Go To Bed Angry, Stay Up and Fight, Interview with Author Deb DeArmond

November 27, 2018 by Linda Rooks Leave a Comment

Conflict and poor communication skills are often cited as some of the top reasons for divorce today. Deb DeArmond and her husband Ron, in their newest book, Don’t Go To Bed Angry, Stay Up and Fight, provide insight into how to divert potential conflict into a healthy conversation instead. In our interview Deb maps out a plan for couples when anger escalates and is about to undermine a necessary discussion. In addition to authoring three books on family relationships, Deb is a speaker and relationship coach with the goal of helping her clients improve their interactions both at work and at home. Don’t Go To Bed Angry won the 2018 Selah Award for Christian non-fiction.

Linda: The title of your book is intriguing, Deb. What do you mean when you say, “Don’t go to bed angry; stay up and fight?”

Deb: When my husband and I wrote this book, Linda, we conducted surveys, interviews, and facilitated a focus group. Most Christians who attended marriage preparation or counseling through their church were given the direction found in Ephesians 4:26: “And don’t sin by letting anger control you. Don’t let the sun go down while you are still angry,” (NLT). It’s often considered the most significant rule of marital bliss offered to engaged or newly married couple.

But let’s examine the scripture carefully. It does not say: “Stay up all night if necessary until you come to a mutual solution.” Nor does the passage suggest, “There will be no sleep until you have arrived at a peaceful, detailed decision you can both support.”

It’s not what it says. But it’s what many of us have come to believe.

Linda: What would you say this scripture directs us to do?

Deb: Just as it suggests: Steer clear of sin and refuse to let anger control the conversation. The scripture encourages us to stop the anger and take it out of the equation. How? We stop the discussion once we recognize anger has taken center stage, directing what we say and how we say it.

Linda: So if couples stop the discussion at this point, what do they do instead? How do they proceed to find a solution to the conflict?

Deb: We deal with the anger. Right then, in that moment. Either spouse can stop and say something like, “Let’s step back for a moment. We’ve lost control of the discussion and anger has taken over the conversation. It’s not pleasing to God and it’s not good for us. Would you forgive me for allowing the enemy to fuel my words, my tone, and (if appropriate) my volume? I don’t think it’s likely we can reach a solid solution tonight. Could we agree to delay making a decision and reconcile our differences tomorrow morning after a good night’s sleep?”

Linda: How does that work? What if the other spouse is unwilling?

Deb: They might be. But most often, we’ve discovered, couples just want it to be done. At least for the moment. We’re exhausted and so often we have not previously had a method to peacefully disengage without someone just throwing in the towel. And when there’s no resolution, we’re destined to experience that same conflict in the future.

Realistically, conflict could happen any time of day. The time doesn’t matter. As long as you agree on a time to come back together to reach agreement, you are on the right path.

Linda: What inspired you and your husband to arrive at this process?

Deb: There are two principles or truths at work here; we submit to both. The first is: if you have to fight, fight fair. And the second is even more essential: be clear about who the enemy is—and isn’t.

There is an enemy who sets himself against us because we follow Jesus. His identity is made clear in Ephesians 6:12: “For we are not fighting against flesh-and-blood enemies, but against evil rulers and authorities of the unseen world, against mighty powers in this dark world, and against evil spirits in the heavenly places,” (NLT).

People —in this case, our mate—are not the enemy. We don’t need to target them or engage in the wrong combat.

Linda: What do you mean by the “wrong combat?”

Deb: There’s two components in play.

We just discussed the first component: remembering who the real enemy is. When we fight against one another in anger, we both lose, and our marriage suffers. But fighting—together—for our marriage is essential.

The second component is more complex. We treat conflict as a problem. Many avoid conflict at all costs. As a result, conflict exists; it’s not expressed, but it remains and it’s unresolved.

Conflict is not the real problem. It’s how we deal with it that determines where it takes us. Conflict begins with a difference of opinion, experience, belief, or perception.

When conflict is handled poorly, carelessly, or callously, it can lead to damage, and ultimately, destruction of the relationship.

It can also lead to discovery—greater insight and understanding of our partner’s thoughts, feelings, and perspective. As in “Wow! I never saw it that way. That’s great.” Or “Now I understand how what I said hurt you. Thanks for helping me see that.”

It’s up to us to choose which direction we will go – discovery or destruction.

Linda: Good insights! What tools can you share with us that might be helpful to choose discovery over destruction?

Deb: Interestingly, poor communication was the highest rated cause of conflict in our survey. So, if the problem started because of poor communication, solving it verbally is not a reliable option. Tools are essential to tackling this issue. Skill power is far greater than willpower when it comes to choosing a healthy approach to conflict.

Building strong communication skills prevent a disagreement from becoming a war, and if a battle breaks out, we’re equipped to declare a truce. We must learn to deal with what we’ve created.

We will use the four letters of D-E-A-L as a way to remember a proactive approach to free yourself (and your loved one) from escalating into anger.

D – Don’t take the bait.

E – Explain the impact of the behavior and express your expectations.

A – Ask questions to draw your spouse into dialogue.

L – Let go of the need to manage your mate’s behavior. Self-manage your own.

Linda: Could you explain these points a little further?

Deb: Okay, let’s talk about how to deal with conflict before it gets away from us and develops into a destructive discussion.

Don’t Take the Bait

When the bait is dangled on that hook, their goal is to get you to bite, to react in the moment in order to serve the purposes of the one serving the bait, regardless of the impact on you.

But whether it’s silence or volume, sarcasm or vindictiveness your mate expresses, your objective is to respond, not react. What’s the difference? A response is a thoughtful, purposeful reply, considered and chosen according to your relationship with your spouse and God.

A reaction is an in-the-moment reply often based on emotion like anger, hurt, or pride. Think of it as the quick-draw retort that you (and the Lord) will regret the moment it leaves your lips.

Explain the impact of the behavior and express your expectations.

Help your spouse recognize and understand the impact on you as a result of the issue. Express your expectations as the conversation continues. For example, if your spouse yells to make the point in an attempt to overpower you and push your concern aside, it’s important to respond appropriately. Here’s how that might sound:

“We agreed to curb spending, but your purchase disregarded our agreement. I feel disregarded, too. It’s a trust issue. We need to talk about this, but please let’s discuss it respectfully without raised voices or anger.”

Once the impact is explained, and expectations are established, you’re ready to move ahead and begin the discussion.

Ask questions to draw your spouse into dialogue.

Open-ended questions invite engagement. They often start with how or what. The purpose here is to invite your spouse into solutions-building, with the goal of a joint decision. Continuing our example, it may sound like this:

“If the positions were reversed, how would you feel? What message would you take had I been the spender today?”

“How do we keep this from continuing? What steps can we take to insure there are no more surprises?”

You may discover information you were unaware of, changing the way you view the issue. Or not. Either way, you’re beginning the work of building a solution together.

Eventually, steps will surface, and you can begin to create a plan.

Be patient and remember, you manage you, let your spouse do the same. Which brings us to the final element of dealing with the conflict.

Let go of the need to control your mate’s behavior. Self-manage your own.

This conversation is not about me controlling you. I’m here to control me.

Even if you never verbalize this, don’t ever forget it. We have our hands full managing our own behavior. You can redirect the tone and direction of the conversation if you remember this principle.

You may be tempted to try to manage or control his/her behavior. Remember your first priority is to give your spouse insight into how their behavior impacts you. It’s best done with an attitude of, “I’m here to give you helpful information about me and how this affected me.” This approach gives your spouse the benefit of the doubt, which helps minimize the potential offense and moves the couple forward.

And forward is where we want to go!

Linda: Thanks Deb. Where can readers find out more about you and your books?

Deb: You can find out more about my books and my ministry at Deb DeArmond/Family Matters (www.debdearmond.com)

Filed Under: BOOKS, Conflict, How to win, Interviews, marriage, Marriage problems, Uncategorized Tagged With: author interview, books for marriage, conflicts, Marriage

God Speaks about Love from a Coffee Cup

August 14, 2018 by Linda Rooks 2 Comments

I was not happy with my husband.

The night before, when I started talking about wanting to get some insurance papers off in the mail, he was at first unresponsive. I continued to prod him, and when he finally replied, his answer felt rude.

The rest of the evening, I busied myself with cleaning up the kitchen and avoided spending time with him.

Now it was morning, and a new problem had surfaced in his work. My husband needed to resolve it, and I could tell he wanted to talk to me about it. But I still felt miffed.

I took a sip of coffee and looked down at the 1 Corinthians 13 love cup in my hands. My eyes immediately rested on a phrase inscribed on the side, which read, “Love endures all things.”

Humph. I didn’t feel very loving . . .

But I knew what God was saying in this scripture and God wasn’t asking me how I felt.

God was just asking me to love. And my coffee cup was telling me that love “endures.” In other words, love keeps loving even when it’s hard, even when you don’t feel like loving.

So I listened to my husband and responded. I was polite.

After we spent some time talking about his work situation, I looked at my husband and sighed. “I’m still not very happy with you, you know.”

“I’m sorry,” he said. “I wasn’t feeling well last night and had so much on my mind. I thought you were referring to the medical insurance forms I’d received yesterday. I didn’t understand you were talking about the insurance for our trip.”

Oh my – miscommunication unmasked – a familiar and disturbing marital theme!

But God ripped away its destructive potential that morning with a gentle reminder. Our misunderstanding could have gone on for quite awhile with no resolution—except for my coffee cup reminding me about what it means to love and how you do it.

Which reminded me to pick up the Bible and read 1 Corinthians 13 again and think about whether or not I’m loving my husband God’s way—even when I feel offended.

By following God’s instructions in 1 Corinthians 13 about how to love, even when conflict arises we can work through the confusion that often threatens to divide husband and wife during confrontations and quarrels. When we are patient, we wait to hear what the other person has to say without judging. By being kind and gentle with our words, we show that we care and give the other person confidence that they are being heard. By rejoicing in truth, we work together as a team to find the best answer rather than merely insisting on our own way.

This familiar scripture tells us what to avoid as well for if we are boastful, conceited, or selfish when disagreements arise, we will pull further apart rather than finding resolution. When we get angry or begin bringing up past offenses, we muddy the waters, cause tensions to rise, and thrust what may have begun as a simple misunderstanding into thorny and dangerous new areas of offense.

But by protecting the hearts of one another, hoping to find resolution, trusting each other’s motives, and persevering until we come to an understanding, love can reign and hurts mended.

God can help steer us through many disagreements in the home when we follow the instructions He gives us in His Word. And sometimes it may help to start our day with the right kind of coffee cup.

Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres (1 Corinthians 13:4-7 NIV).

Filed Under: Conflict, Love, marriage, Marriage problems, Reconciliation Tagged With: conflicts, Love, Marriage, marriage problems

Guest Post from Kathy Collard Miller, author of Pure-Hearted: The Blessings of Living Out God’s Glory

January 17, 2018 by Linda Rooks 10 Comments

Who holds your heart? God or your spouse? Kathy Collard Miller shares a story with honesty and vulnerability about how she learned the hard way that depending on our spouses to take care of our hearts brings inevitable hurt. She learned, as I have as well, that only God is capable of meeting all our needs.

Kathy is the author of over 50 books including her new one, Pure-Hearted: The Blessings of Living Out God’s Glory, from which this blog is adapted.

Resist Hurt Feelings in Your Marriage

by Kathy Collard Miller

I have a long history of being easily offended—especially in my marriage.

When my husband, Larry, wouldn’t immediately respond to what I believed was important, I felt justified to react with criticism, anger, and manipulation.

If he seemed to indicate I was imperfect, incapable, or unloving, I felt hurt and told myself he never did anything right either. I didn’t recognize I was giving the key to my heart’s contentment and peace to him when only God could provide what I longed for.

Now, I know I can bring glory to God by seeing the truth: being offended blocks my ability to see any of Larry’s motives to protect himself. His comments say less about me than it does his own emotional wounds and needs.

How It Began

I thought I married my Prince Charming. He seemed so committed to being what I wanted while we dated. His confidence and fast decision making skills made me feel secure when I was with him.

But then the real life of marriage set in. What I believed were his wonderful qualities while we were dating, soon became sources of feeling unloved and uncared for. I’d felt unloved in my childhood and without realizing it, I was trying to avoid feeling that way again. His confident decision-making seemed to ignore my opinions.

After seven years of marriage, when Larry and I were at odds with each other, I was furious at him for not meeting my needs. I believed his lack of care communicated I was unimportant. Of all people, he was supposed to be the one telling me I was important.

I felt trapped and uncared for and resorted to anger to defend myself, thinking I was justified in feeling hurt and offended.

What I didn’t realize was my “offense” blocked me from seeing his needs. I could only focus on my needs. I thought if I stopped being angry, I would be exposed to more rejection. I didn’t look to God to be my defender and refuge. And of course, I had no thought of God’s glory. As a result I wasn’t loving my husband well.

In turn, my anger gave Larry the impression he could never satisfy me and that he was a failure as a husband. To protect himself from feeling weak and powerless, he not only resisted but actively avoided interaction with me. He chose to work as a cop and a real estate agent, which kept him away. Plus, he flew planes as a hobby. If he happened to be home, I complained and pointed out all the ways he wasn’t being “good” to me.

Hitting the Wall

One morning Larry announced he was flying north to San Jose for the day. Although I begged to go with him, he countered my reasoning with deftness. I again felt belittled, like I was a little girl who could be easily ignored.

Larry walked away down the hall and then through the laundry room into the garage, closing the door behind him. I was eating an apple and before I realized it, I hurled the half eaten apple toward the closing door. The apple shattered on impact and red and white apple pieces flew throughout the laundry room adhering to the ceiling and the walls.

I whirled around and marched into my bedroom, dropping to kneel beside my bed. “Lord, make his plane crash! I don’t care if he ever comes home again.”

During the following many months, the pieces of apple remained adhered to the walls and ceiling of my laundry room and then began rotting. I saw them as a memorial to the rotten marriage I believed God could not or would not change. I felt there was no hope.

One day while doing housework, however, I sensed God say to me in my heart, “Tell Larry you love him.” I was shocked to hear God’s prodding. I didn’t love Larry and I believed he hated me. I reasoned that if he heard those three little words, “I love you,” that I hadn’t said or thought for over two years, he might think I was approving of his negligence. I flatly refused.

God persistently repeated the message and I adamantly refused again! Then I sensed the Holy Spirit giving a different message: “Then think it the next time you see Larry.

OK, If he doesn’t hear me then he can’t use it against me. Then I’ll do it, even if it’s not true.

That evening, Larry returned from a flying trip and as he walked down the hall toward me, I stared at him, gulped, and thought, “I love you…” and then after a pause, I added, “but I don’t really.” Although I was obeying God, I still couldn’t believe it was true.

But by making that choice to love Larry and as I continued to make loving choices, more loving feelings took over. I also recognized I’d been holding Larry responsible for my happiness. Larry couldn’t meet all my needs—only God could. My perspective was corrected when I realized my motive had been to not feel uncared for and to force him to be what I needed. But I couldn’t change Larry, I could only change myself as I surrendered to God.

That day I went into the laundry room and washed off those rotting apple pieces. I no longer needed a memorial to my rotten marriage.

In time, Larry noticed I wasn’t as angry and demanding of him and agreed to go on a couples retreat with me, which God used as a turning point in our marriage. God graciously healed us, slowly but powerfully. That was in 1978 and soon we’ll celebrate our 48th anniversary. We are best friends and tell each other several times a day how much we love each other.

For a long time, we didn’t fully understand our motives. Purifying our heart’s motives has become a very essential contribution to the happiness of our marriage.

Something to Think About

Have you considered your husband or wife’s motives to protect himself or herself? Have you considered their hurting heart? You are not responsible for their reactions, but you are responsible before God to love them well by seeing them through God’s eyes of love. Then your love will honor God.

The next time you are tempted to be selfish, ask God to reveal if feeling offended or blaming others is involved. If so, you may be trying to avoid taking responsibility for your own choices.

By Kathy Collard Miller

Kathy is making a copy of Pure-Hearted available to the winner of a book drawing. To win, enter by making a comment below . The winner will be drawn on January 24 (US addresses only can win.)

Kathy Collard Miller is an award-winning author of over 50 books that include Christian living topics, women’s Bible studies, and Bible commentaries. She is a speaker who has shared in 8 foreign countries and over 30 US states. Kathy and Larry have been married for 47 years and are the parents of 2 and grandparents of 2. They live in Southern California and often write and speak together. Visit her at www.KathyCollardMiller.com.

Pure-Hearted: The Blessings of Living Out God’s Glory is available at: http://amzn.to/2jzYdWi

Filed Under: BOOKS, Conflict, disappointment, Love, Marriage problems Tagged With: conflicts, troubled marriage, True love

It Only Takes ONE to Begin the Reconciliation of a Marriage

June 3, 2016 by Linda Rooks 38 Comments

My friend looked visibly shaken as she crossed the floor of the restaurant to join me at the table. When I asked how her family was doing, she burst into tears.

“Melanie and Ron are getting a divorce,” she said.

As she continued telling me the story of her daughter’s marital collapse, I could hear the pain in her words. My heart grieved for her. I knew this subject all too well.

“You know these are the kinds of situations I deal with all the time,” I said. “Even though Ron wants a divorce, the situation is not hopeless. If Melanie focuses on God and allows God to show her the changes He wants your daughter to make, things can possibly turn around. I’ve seen it happen many, many times.

“But both people have to want it,” she said.

“No, they don’t!” I shook my head to emphasize my point. “One person, who doesn’t want the marriage to end, can begin the process of turning a marriage around.”

“But he’s already initiating a divorce.”

And then I told her about the many people who had come to our Marriage 911 classes with divorce papers in hand, couples who had not only reconciled their marriages, but were now thriving as husband and wife. Families had been restored with children who had witnessed firsthand the power of God.

“I don’t know what to do,” she said. “I don’t want to interfere.”

“How does your daughter feel?” I asked. “Does she want the marriage?”

“Yes. She’s upset, but she’s trying not to show it, and I know she has issues, but what can I do? I don’t want to interfere.”

“Just give her hope,” I said, “Listen to her. Let her talk, but let her know other people have reconciled their marriages even when divorce looked imminent. Encourage her to ask God to show her the things she can do to become the person God wants her to be. This is not just about her marriage, but about her, about her relationship with God.”

It Takes Two – Or Does It?

One of the most common fallacies I hear from people when talking about a “failed” marriage is that “it takes two to want to work on the marriage.”

While that is eventually true before a marriage is actually healed and restored, it only takes one person in the marriage to start the healing process.

One person who is committed to the marriage can actually turn a broken marriage around when he or she gives God their full attention. When their mind is focused on God instead of the spouse, God can open their eyes to their part in the marital breakdown and ways He wants them to change. As the first spouse starts to change, the dynamic of the relationship begins to change. The response of the resistant spouse often begins to adjust to the new behavior they are experiencing from the committed spouse, and the circular patterns of responses begin to shift in new directions.

When the committed spouse gives the changes a chance to marinate over time, reconciliation can eventually take place.

A True Story

When Marta first came to our Marriage 911 class, her heart was broken. Her husband had moved out and wanted nothing to do with reconciliation. Although they went to counseling, he repeatedly said he didn’t see them ever getting back together—ever! But Marta clung to hope as she started going to church and began to feel the presence of God in her life. She began providing spiritual leadership to their children and felt more at peace. She sought God with all her heart and began to look at herself to see the changes God wanted her to make.

But even as Marta was making changes in herself, her husband continued to dash her hopes on a regular basis by telling her it was time to file for divorce. Still, Marta pressed on with God and asked God for guidance whenever she engaged in conversation with her husband. As a result, Marta stopped pushing and began to show her husband a new respect. When they had arguments, she realized that pressing her point until she could prove she was right wasn’t productive. Instead, she stepped back and put things in God’s hands.

Eventually, her husband saw the changes in her and began initiating times for them to get together when they could talk and do things together they both enjoyed. However, he still had no interest in reconciling. That was not going to happen.

Finally, two years after they first separated, Marta came to a point where she knew she had to really let go and surrender it all to God. If he wanted to end the marriage, she couldn’t stop him. “God if this is what you want,” she prayed, “then give me the strength.”

As her husband saw Marta truly let go and prepare to move on, his eyes were opened, his heart was moved, and he told her he wanted to reconcile. They got back together, and today their love is deeper and stronger than before. In her words, “As much as I wouldn’t want to go through this again, I know we are a lot stronger. Our marriage is better than even when we first got married.”

First Things First

Matthew 6 gives a beautiful picture of God’s love for his creation and his care for us. In this passage, Jesus demonstrates to us that God’s sufficiency far exceeds our adversity. “Now if God so clothes the grass of the field, which today is, and tomorrow is thrown into the oven, will He not much more clothe you, O you of little faith?” (Matthew 6:30)

God is aware of our needs. He wants to give us all good things and He will. But in verse 33, Jesus tells us how to find God’s blessings for ourselves. He says that first we need to go to the source, to seek the one who holds all things together in His hands, the One Who is our Provider. “Seek first the kingdom of God and His righteousness and all these things shall be added unto you.” [emphasis added] Jesus asks that we seek Him first, to search for Him with all our hearts to discover Him and the wonder of Who He is, and then He will freely provide. (Matt. 6:33)

Above everything, God seeks to draw us to Himself, to take us deeper into relationship with Him. Sometimes a broken marriage is one of the few things that will get our attention and drive us to truly seek Him so He can make us into the special child of God He wants us to be.

So if you are reeling in the belief that your marriage—or that of a loved one—is doomed for divorce, stop and change your focus. The person wanting a divorce doesn’t hold all the answers. The Lord of Heaven does. And it only takes one to begin the process of change.

1 Peter 5:6-7 says, “Therefore humble yourselves under the mighty hand of God, that He may exalt you at the proper time, casting all your anxiety on Him, because He cares for you.”

“You will seek Me and find Me, when you search for Me with all your heart.” Jeremiah 29:13

If you want to reconcile a broken marriage, let me walk with you through the pages of my new book, Fighting for Your Marriage while Separated to help you find hope. There you will find practical help that can guide you through the complexities so you can see how reconciliation is possible for you– even if you’re fighting for your marriage alone.

Listen to Marv and Linda’s story about their own three-year separation in a three-part series on Family Life Today as they both share from the heart about their separation and reconciliation.

Filed Under: Conflict, Divorce, faith, Hope, Knowing God, Letting go, Marital separation, Reconciliation, Surrendering to God Tagged With: conflicts, divorce, faith, Feeling lost, marital reconciliation, marital separation, marriage in crisis

Interview with Becky Hunter, Author of Why Her? You, Your Daughter/Mother-in-law and the Big Picture

November 13, 2014 by Linda Rooks Leave a Comment

AS WE APPROACH THANKSGIVING and the holidays, some of us grapple with a nagging concern about some of the extended family challenges we might encounter in the midst of the festivities. One of those at the top of the list is the mother-in-law/daughter-in-law relationship.

This month I am delighted beyond measure to interview Becky Hunter, co-author of Why Her? You, Your Daughter/Mother-in-law and the Big Picture. Becky is the wife of Joel Hunter, pastor of Northland a Church Distributed in Longwood, Florida, which has an active congregation of 20,000 worshippers. But even more special to me, she is my pastor’s wife and a dear friend. One of the unique things about Why Her? is that it’s written from the perspective of both the mother-in-law and the daughter-in-law. (Flip the book to see the different perspectives.) Becky and all three of her daughters-in-law corroborated together to produce this gem of a book about what can be a very challenging relationship. And I can personally attest to the authenticity of what they share in the book.

As president of the Global Pastors Wives Network from 2006 through 2008, Becky led seminars on five continents and was featured in TIME magazine for her ministry to pastors’ wives. She is also the author of, Being Good To Your Husband on Purpose. More than 20,000 people receive her weekly blog Random Bits of Wisdom.

Linda: Becky, tell me, how did you and your daughters-in-law come to write this book?

Becky: My three daughters-in-law and I always had a good relationship. We were often asked how we made the mother-in-law/daughter-in-law connection work. On a family vacation one summer we started talking about why it is that we get along so well and made a decision to write down what we understood about the m-i-l/d-i-l relationship, hopeful that our understanding and experience could help others. We dove into nine aspects of the m-i-l/d-i-l relationship. Each of my daughters-in-law wrote about three of the nine topics from a daughter-in-law perspective and I wrote on the same nine topics from a mother-in-law perspective. An unanticipated but great result of the project was the growth it brought in our relationship with each other. Now, in addition to what we wrote in the book, we tell m-i-ls and d-i-ls that if they get an opportunity to work on something together they might be surprised how positively that alone can affect their relationship.”

Why So Difficult?

Linda: Is there something in particular that makes many mother-in-law/daughter-in-law relationships so difficult?

Becky: “Great question! And the short answer is yes; two women love the same man — one believing her role is to protect him and the other believing him to be her protector. So, the chances of these two women seeing eye-to-eye can be pretty remote. Issues within this relationship are wide ranging. There are so many daughters-in-law that fear their mothers-in-law that there is a clinical term for fear of a mother-in-law! Such fear is called pentheraphobia.” But it’s not just daughters-in-law that have struggles it’s the mothers-in-law as well. And these issues are not new! We even see an example in Greek mythology; the story is told that Cupid’s mother, Venus, the goddess of love and beauty was absolutely beside herself when she found out that her arrow shooting – heart-piercing son had fallen in love with and secretly married the beautiful Psyche, a woman who was only human. Venus put Psyche through several insane tests, always hoping against hope that Psyche would fail.

Linda: Is there anything that a mother-in-law could do to keep from being intimidating or that a daughter-in-law could do to keep from failing?

Becky: When a mother-in-law sees her daughter-in-law from God’s perspective, she begins to not only better understand but also better support the God-given dreams of her daughter-in-law. She doesn’t try to shape her to fit her own wishes. But no two m-i-l/d-i-l relationships are alike so every mother-in-law has to wisely consider what makes the most sense in building her specific life-long relationship with her daughter-in-law. There will be times when the most help is simply staying out of her d-i-l’s way and there are other times when pitching in will bless her d-i-l, but always the most effective help will be when she really prays for her daughter-in-law; and I do mean prays for her, not prays about her!

And as far as a daughter-in-law doing what God loves and what will matter most for the m-i-l/d-i-l relationship and give it the best chance to thrive, the most important thing she can do is to be a loving, helpful, respectful wife to the man that mother-in-law poured her life into all those years.

Linda: If you could share one thing that might help someone have a better relationship with their mother-in-law or daughter-in-law what would you say?

Becky: To mothers-in-law I would say, think about how you would want to have your mother-in-law treat you and be that kind of mother-in-law! To daughters-in-law I would say, think about what kind of daughter-in-law you would like to have some day and be that kind of daughter-in-law! It’s amazing how well this works whenever it is applied. Of course, I can’t take any credit for this brilliant strategy, it was Jesus who said “Do unto others as you would have them do unto you.”

Trouble During the Holidays

Linda: What would you say to a woman whose marriage is in trouble and knows she will be spending time during the holidays with a mother-in-law with whom she has an uneasy relationship?

Becky: Good time of year to be thinking about that! First, it’s important to pray for wisdom and peace before you ever head in her direction. Use Philippians 4:8 as a filter for your prayer – “Fix your thoughts on what is true, honorable, right, pure, lovely, and admirable. Think about things that are excellent and worthy of praise.” When we do that, Scripture promises that such godly things are put into practice and God will be with us and we’ll experience peace.

Second, always be intentional about interacting kindly with your husband and don’t forget to do that when your mother-in-law is around. When relationships are rocky, it is especially important that our words and actions spring from intentional “thinking” more than they do free- wheeling “emoting.” If we don’t want to be staring regret in the face at the end of the day, we have to make wise decisions. Being a good wife ranks priority over being a good daughter-in-law; but the truth is, in a perfect world, being a good wife, is the best definition of a good daughter-in-law.

Flip the book, and it’s about the mother-in-law

And third, take a moment to do something special for your husband’s mother…without expectation of her responding. You could do something really simple, like send her a sweet note or flowers a few days before you get together, or as complex and challenging as prepare and clean up a dinner while you are together, intentionally giving her some time to catch up with her son. All that said, I bet you have a pretty good idea of what your mother-in-law appreciates, and what better time to go the extra mile in spite of a troubled marriage than when you are engaged in family gatherings and traditions over holidays? Say a prayer and bring your best self to that table!”

Linda: What great advice! In spite of the challenges of the situation, I can see how your wise recommendations could actually help promote healing as a whole. What lead you to choose the title Why Her? for a book on the mother-in-law/daughter-in-law relationship?

Becky: As we wrote the manuscript we referred to our efforts as “The MIL/DIL Relationship” but as we got to the final chapters, conversations among the four of us often revolved around the fact that God has a purpose for each relationship in our lives; there is something we can learn from each person, some way we can improve personally because of them, some opportunity to encourage the other. One day Elizabeth suggested that the title “Why Her?” might be most to the point. That really resonated with all of us. We hope each DIL and MIL will consider why God has this woman in her life. He does have a purpose, and whether His reason is rooted in a “so that…” or an “in spite of…”, there is a reason she is in your life.

Linda: And that takes us into the sub-title of your book, “You, Your Daughter/Mother-in-law and the Big Picture”. Sounds like your book shows us that there’s more to this relationship than just the nuts and bolts of interacting.

Becky: Yes, we believe Why Her? Is aptly titled for the book emphasizes “why to” more than a “how to” work on this unique woman-to- woman relationship: in a world where jokes like this one about mothers-in-law are the norm:
“Do you know the real reason the Garden of Eden was so perfect?”
“Umm. No.”
“Because Eve didn’t have a mother-in-law!”

The daunting challenge inherent in the mother-in-law/daughter-in-law relationship is universal. Unless we understand why a positive connection between a m-i-l and d-i-l matters nothing will ever change. Through biblical principles, anecdotes and personal examples, I hope that Why Her? can inspire each married man’s wife and mother to try or perhaps try again to appreciate each other.

Linda: “One final question: Where can people find more information about Why Her?

Becky: Why Her? is available in both softcover and Kindle versions at Amazon.com. Additionally the book is available in the bookstore at Northland, a Church Distributed at 530 Dog Track Road, Longwood, FL 32750. Thanks, for this opportunity to share about Why Her? Linda. I really appreciate that.

Filed Under: Conflict, disappointment, Feeling unworthy, Interviews, Marriage problems, Mother-in-law/daughter-in-law, Uncategorized Tagged With: conflicts, holidays, in-laws, troubled marriage

God’s Paradoxical Ways–Sometimes God Asks Us To Do the Illogical

October 1, 2014 by Linda Rooks 4 Comments

FreeDigitalPhotos.net

YEARS AGO AT CHURCH I volunteered in a ministry where I found myself at loggerheads with the other woman involved. We completely clashed in the way we wanted to reach our objectives. I was discouraged over our impasse and frustrated with this person who seemed so inflexible in her unwillingness to consider my point of view.

But sometime prior to this, my husband and I had been convicted that whenever we had problems with someone, we should begin praying for them. So grudgingly, I started praying for this woman who was causing me such anxiety.

A few weeks later . . . after we started praying for her, my husband and I were thrust into a social setting with her and her husband and as we spent time talking together, we found that we had a lot in common . . . and we enjoyed them! Within about six months, they had become some of our best friends.

The crazy thing about this turnaround in that particular relationship is that, as we applied this principle to other problem relationships as well, the outcome wasn’t unique. Again and again, when we had trouble with someone and prayed for them specifically, they ended up becoming especially good friends. In fact, it happened so often that it became almost funny. Anytime we had problems with someone and we prayed for them, we halfway expected they’d end up becoming some of our best friends.

The Paradox

The paradox in following God is that while our human inclinations often take us in the opposite direction from what God wants us to do, it’s His leading and His ways that produce the positive consequences we want. But too often we react in the flesh without seeking God and wind up in problems we could have avoided.

In a troublesome relationship, arguing, becoming aloof, or maneuvering our way around the situation seems a much more logical approach than praying for someone who annoys us, hurts us, angers us, or causes us problems.

But God, in His infinite wisdom, whose thoughts and ways are higher than ours, has a different way. And He wants us to come to Him to find out what it is.

Because—actually, coming to Him and asking is the only way we can find out what His different way is.

In the story of Job, when everything in his life fell apart, friends allegedly came to comfort him. But instead they accused him, vilified him, doubted his integrity and caused him great grief.

During these exchanges with his friends, Job continually sought God to come and talk to him. When God did come and answer Job, God told Job to pray for these men who had been so unkind and tactless.

[The Lord] said to Eliphaz the Temanite, “I am angry with you and your two friends . . . . My servant Job will pray for you, and I will accept his prayer and not deal with you according to your folly.”Job 42:7, 8b

At this declaration from God, I wonder if Job’s first inclination was to do a double take. “Huh? Me pray for them? After all their accusations in the midst of my suffering?”

But Job did what the Lord said to do. Job prayed for his friends.

“And the Lord accepted Job’s prayer.” Job 42:9

But not only did God “accept” Job’s prayer, God used Job’s praying for his friends to bless Job as well . . . in amazing ways.

“After Job had prayed for his friends, the Lord made him prosperous again and gave him twice as much as he had before.” Job 42:10

Job’s Prayer

Job’s prayers are what let his friends off the hook with God so He did not punish them. And after Job prayed for his friends, the Lord healed him and blessed him. But why didn’t God just forgive Job’s friends on His own if He wanted to do that and bless Job as He apparently wanted to do? Why put that responsibility on Job when he was hurting and had reason to resent his friends’ actions?

Because God was doing something that transcends our human understanding. In the spiritual realm, actions that seem paradoxical to our human flesh often bring about shifts in heavenly places. By praying for his friends, Job humbled himself to acknowledge that God’s understanding was far beyond his own and that surrendering to God’s unfathomable ways was the key to living a life pleasing to God.

This principle applies to some of the deeper and stickier issues of life as well.

In my ministry to people who are separated or in a martial crisis, one of the things I often encourage them to do is to completely focus on God and “let go” of their spouse. But I frequently get this question as a result. “Does letting go mean that I should stop praying for him/her?”

In my response I urge them to simply let go of the expectations that God will do what they want Him to do and just pray that God will bless their spouse with a new love for God and an enlightened and discerning heart. No strings attached.

It’s not what we want to do in the natural. Our flesh rails against the idea. We want the strings. But the humility of our obedience even though it turns our hearts inside out, reaches the heart of God. With our hearts softened and malleable to His touch, our hurts become a spiritual sacrifice that He uses to bless us and give us a transformed heart, mind, and life.

God’s paradox is our lifeline to His heart.

Filed Under: Conflict, disappointment, Grief, How to win, Knowing God, Marital separation, Marriage problems, Prayer, stress, Surrendering to God, Trusting God, Trying to understand, Uncategorized Tagged With: conflicts, friends, marital separation, prayer, seeking answers, troubled marriage

We All Married Idiots: Three Things You Will Never Change About Your Marriage and Ten Things You Can — Interview with Author, Elaine W. Miller

September 17, 2014 by Linda Rooks 2 Comments

Elaine W. Miller says she and her husband of 43 years enjoy a wonderful and sometimes idiotic life together. And maybe that’s the key to her new book, We All Married Idiots. Elaine has authored three books, and by the titles of the other two: Splashes of Serenity: Bathtime Reflections for Drained Moms, and Splashes of Serenity: Bathtime Reflections for Drained Wives, it is clear Elaine must have a great sense of humor. Known for her biblical insights, warmth, enthusiasm, and humor, she has been keynoting and speaking at retreats and seminars around the country for 25 years. She and her husband, an ordained minister, also travel to Europe each year to minister as a couple to International Workers in Bosnia. I am so pleased to be able to interview her today.

Elaine: Linda, thank you for giving me the opportunity to share my heart with your readers. I relate to finding hope in unexpected places, for that is what happened to me.

Linda: You’ve stirred my interest. Please tell us how you found hope in an unexpected place.

Elaine: The first year of my marriage I packed my husband’s bags three times. I almost threw away this amazing man. I thank God that Dan refused to leave or let me go. So, we struggled through our first ten years. At year ten, I hit the wall. Realizing I couldn’t do marriage in my own strength, I surrendered my life to Jesus Christ. In tears I stood at my kitchen window (the unexpected place) and prayed, God, I can’t do this without You. I give my life to you. Do with me whatever you please. Wow! He pleased to do a lot. Bitterness and discontent left as my heart filled with love for Jesus and for my husband. Hope was restored in that unexpected place.

Linda: You’ve been married 43 years. What changed in your marriage after your prayer at the kitchen window?

Elaine: I stopped looking to my husband to satisfy needs that only Jesus Christ can fulfill. What an unfair expectation to put on any human. For the first time I knew true joy and contentment comes from a relationship with Jesus, not from a marriage.

Linda: Your marriage story is included in your book We All Married Idiots: Three Things You Will Never Change About Your Marriage and Ten Things You Can? I’m curious, what caused you to name a book We All Married Idiots?

Elaine: Years ago during an argument with my husband I thought, I must have been an idiot to marry this idiot! Then I laughed realizing that makes me an idiot too! Later, I learned the word “idiot” is derived from the Greek word “common man.” Well, aren’t we all common man? In fact there was only one uncommon man—Jesus Christ. With the staggering divorce rate, there are a lot of spouses thinking they married idiots. I hoped the title would grab their attention because they really did marry an idiot, and so did their spouse.

Linda: What hope does We All Married Idiots give to marriages?

Elaine: My heart is broken for marriages. Too many couples give up too soon for too little reason. Some enter a second marriage only to realize, Ugh, this person is an idiot too! I hope We All Married Idiots will help couples esteem their mate as a gift to treasure not as an idiot to tolerate.

Linda: Can you tell us the three things you’ll never change about your marriage?

Elaine: Sure.

1. The idiosyncrasies. We all have peculiar habits and do little things that annoy. We’d like to change our spouse’s idiosyncrasies, but honestly that is not what we promised on our wedding day. I’ve been to a lot of weddings and never heard this vow, “I promise to make a mental note of everything you do that annoys me and remind you of it as long as we both shall live.”

2. The sin. We all married sinners. Why would we do that? I love Elisabeth Elliot’s answer, “There was no one else to marry!” We all sin and sin inflicts pain. There will be times you and your spouse will hurt each other.

3. The differences. Men and women don’t think the same. We have different ways of solving problems complicated by being raised by different parents.

I promise there is conflict in the marriage of two idiotic sinners who don’t think alike. We can’t change the struggles, but we can change how we respond when the idiosyncrasies, the sin, and the differences arise.

Linda: I’d love to hear a couple of things you can change.

Elaine: I’ll give two in hopes people read We All Married Idiots because all ten changes work together.

1. Let go of your spouse’s mistakes. The Bible says in James 3:2, “We all make a lot of mistakes.” You can choose to let go of mistakes knowing your honey didn’t wake up this morning thinking, Wow! I wonder how many mistakes I can make today? Don’t keep lists of those mistakes. Let them go.

2. Make nice to your spouse. Every day we choose to make nice or make mean. Spouses can be cruel to each other without realizing that every harsh word drives another nail into their marriage coffin.

Linda: I love that. That’s one piece of advice I often give also. Even when things in the marriage are rough, saying positive things on a regular basis plants positive seeds and makes our spouses more receptive. But tell me, what is your very best piece of marriage advice?

Elaine: Funny. I’ve read through the Bible seven times searching for a verse that says, “Examine your spouse.” It’s not there. But the Bible does say “examine yourself.” Couples are too quick to point the blaming finger at each other rather than ask God to point Your finger at me and show me what I am doing wrong.
Remember there is hope in the unexpected. The problems your marriage has today may be gone in five or ten years. I just don’t love him or her anymore is not a reason for a divorce. You don’t feel love today, but you could fall back in love next week or in three years. Husbands and wives grow up, mature, and change for the better. Keep running towards the goal God has for your marriage. There is always hope because with God nothing is impossible.

Linda: Thank you, Elaine. Where can we learn more about your ministry?

Elaine: Thank you Linda and thanks to all your readers. I do pray for marriages and I would love to hear from you and to pray for you. Speaking to live audiences is more fun than a computer screen, so if your group has an event, please consider me as your speaker. More information and my speaking topics are available on my website, www.SplashesofSerenity.com. I’m also on Facebook, Twitter, and Pinterest at Elaine W. Miller. My books are available on line, in your local bookstore, or from my website.

Filed Under: Conflict, disappointment, Divorce, Hope, How to win, Interviews, Love, marriage, Marriage problems, mistakes, Uncategorized Tagged With: author interview, books for marriage, conflicts, divorce, hard times, Marriage, marriage in crisis, troubled marriage

The Spiritually Mismatched Marriage–An Interview with Lynn Donovan

June 4, 2014 by Linda Rooks Leave a Comment

This week I’m happy to introduce you to Lynn Donovan, author of Winning Him Without Words, as well as two other related books, 10 Keys to Thriving in Your Spiritually Mismatched Marriage, and Not Alone, Trusting God To Help You Raise Godly Kids in a Spiritually Mismatched Home.

If you have a spouse who is not a Christian, Lynn has a message that will help you on this walk. Lynn is an author and speaker who has appeared on 700 Club Interactive, Focus on the Family, Dr. James Dobson’s FamilyTalk and FamilyLife Today.

But I will let Lynn introduce herself and tell you more about her story. Here’s Lynn.

Lynn Donovan

Lynn: Hello everyone! I’m joining your community this week to share a bit about my God-sized story. I’m so thankful that Linda has asked me to be a part of your home.

My friends, my story is about a Prodigal child – me (Luke 15:11-31). I fled my childhood Sunday school days in my twenties. I left my loving Father for all the promises the world said were mine. I met my husband in these dark years and we fell in love. We were married and for the first three years everything was fine. But the world’s lure proved shallow, unkind and untrue. I heard my faithful Father calling in the distance and He wooed me.

I went running home into the arms of my Papa and was thrilled to once again have a relationship with God. But, I ran home dragging my unbelieving spouse behind me kicking and screaming all the way. To say that my husband was unhappy about this new “Man” in my life, was a serious understatement.

I am unequally yoked.

There are many women such as me who sit alone week after week in church. There are women who are married to men who say they believe and yet they are also like me, living in a spiritually mismatched marriage. We are committed to our marriage covenant and wish to honor our Lord no matter how we arrived in our spiritually mismatched marriage.

My journey has been a crazy adventure, filled with loneliness at times, as my husband and I view life through two different world views. On this journey I’ve had to face fears over my children’s salvation, as well as having to live with the disappointment of attending church alone, wanting to be a “normal” couple, and the most difficult—the rejection of my faith by my best friend on earth.

But don’t feel sad for me…. Because I serve the risen Savior and through His love and power, I have discovered that the unequally yoked can truly thrive while living with an unbeliever. We can grow in our faith, love and respect for our spouse, raise our children to a vibrant faith, and walk in the Presence of the Most High.

Lynn’s 22 Year Adventure

Linda: I’m looking forward to hearing what else you learned on this 22 year adventure, Lynn. But tell me, what does your husband think about this ministry?

Lynn: By the grace of God my husband is fully supportive of my ministry and he encourages me to help others who are also spiritually mismatched. I call that a “Way cool God thing.”

Linda: Lynn, you mentioned to me that you discovered a powerful scripture that changed everything about your marriage.

Lynn: Yes, I did, it is: (Jesus) answered, “‘Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your strength and with all your mind’; and, ‘Love your neighbor as yourself.'” —Luke 10:27

Linda: How did this make a difference in your marriage?

Lynn: When you love God, His Son and the Spirit with all of your heart, soul, mind and strength you are transformed. Your mind is transformed and then disappointment and bitterness no longer has influence in your life. You discover an unending joy bubbles out of you, flowing onto your husband and your children. This kind of love transforms a heart, heals a body, restores a marriage, and leads little ones to faith.

I had to remove my eyes and expectations from my human husband and place all of my hopes upon Christ. When I did this our marriage moved into THRIVING. My husband found freedom to discover God in his own way without my manipulation and I found my expectations were replaced by God explanations. I was transformed by the love of God.

It’s a miracle! Woo Hoo!!!!

And Linda one of my favorite truths I share is this:

A man can ignore a nagging wife, but he can’t ignore the truth of a transformed life.

Linda: I like that. But tell me what do you think is the biggest struggle for those who are Spiritually Mismatched?

Lynn: Across the board, men and women, who are married to pre-believers (we like to call them pre-believers) struggle through a season of loneliness. In our book, Winning Him Without Words, the entire first chapter addresses this season. What I want to tell everyone who is unequally yoked is to press forward during this season. This is the training ground for growing your faith into a vibrant, strong and intimate love relationship with the Father.

You can overcome this. You can attend church alone and receive great blessing from your church family. You will discover the truth of Hebrews 13:5 God has said, “Never will I leave you; never will I forsake you.”

The Children

Linda: Many times I hear from people who are concerned as to how an unequally yoked marriage will affect the children. What do you say to that? And have you found specific encouragement in the Bible to help you on this walk?

Lynn: Yes, there is actually a passage in the Bible that was written just for us. God knew there would be unbelievers married to believers and that’s why 1 Corinthians 7:12-14 exists. Let’s read it from the Message translation as it is rich in meaning and implication. This verse specifically gives me great comfort as a mother raising children in a spiritually mismatched home.

For the rest of you who are in mixed marriages—Christian married to non-Christian—we have no explicit command from the Master. So this is what you must do. If you are a man with a wife who is not a believer but who still wants to live with you, hold on to her. If you are a woman with a husband who is not a believer but he wants to live with you, hold on to him. The unbelieving husband shares to an extent in the holiness of his wife, and the unbelieving wife is likewise touched by the holiness of her husband. Otherwise, your children would be left out; as it is, they also are included in the spiritual purposes of God. —1 Corinthians 7:12-14

I’m learning that when we as believers love Jesus and walk in the power and presence of the Holy Spirit, we impact our environment. And, in fact, we bring God’s will and purposes into our lives and into the lives of our children. The living presence of God within us becomes so powerful that, Paul tells us through the believing spouse every member in the home is sanctified. The living presence of God is so contagious, so powerful, that it creates an umbrella of safety over anyone who comes into that environment.

Linda: So are you saying that it is simply your faith, walked out in the home, which ministers to your children? Even though your husband has a different worldview, your faith is enough to point the children to God?

Lynn: Yes, we as believers are uniquely positioned to release the purposes, the love and the very power of God into our children’s lives. Our kids are then included in God’s plans for their lives. They are sanctified—set apart as holy unto the Lord. They belong to the Lord. When we grasp this truth, praying with faith through the Holy Spirit for our kids, we need not live in fear for their salvation. Our love, our example, our Jesus is always enough. I believe this promise for my children’s future and for their eternity.

Wow…… just WOW! Today if I can talk personally to your readers, I’d like to say, “Let the truth of this passage roar in your spirit. Your faith covers your home. This was a paradigm shift in my thinking and changed how I approached spiritual warfare for my kids and husband. My holiness covers them. They are under the love umbrella of God because an ordinary wife lives with Jesus in her heart and home. Of course, this isn’t a guarantee of their salvation but it is a great encouragement and it keeps me from living in constant fear for their eternity.

Linda: Thank you, Lynn. I know this is a serious battle for a number of people reading this interview, and we need a real prayer covering for our homes and our children. Would you like to close us with a prayer?

Lynn: Lord, let this passage bring freedom to every woman and man here today. Let the truth and the power that comes with your living and active Word permeate every place in his or her heart and home. I ask that the Holy Spirit would prove the truth of how the prayers of a righteous mama (or papa) availeth much. In Jesus name. Amen.

Linda, thank you for allowing me to share the hope that I have. Hope is a person, Jesus Christ.

I love you and count it a privilege to be here with your community.

Linda: This has been a blessing, Lynn. Please tell us where people can find out more about your ministry and your books.

Lynn: You can visit me online at www.spirituallyunequalmarriage.com

Filed Under: BOOKS, Children, Conflict, Desire, God's Word, How to win, Lonliness, Marriage problems, Surrendering to God, Trusting God, Uncategorized, Worry Tagged With: author interview, battles, conflicts, difficult life, Lonliness, seeking answers, troubled marriage, unanswered prayer

Whose Battle?

January 29, 2014 by Linda Rooks 3 Comments

BATTLES ARE AN INHERENT PART OF OUR LIVES. We often seem to be in one kind of struggle or another. Maybe it’s a financial battle, or we may be fighting for our health or our very lives. Perhaps we’re fighting to save our marriage or to find peace and resolution in the midst of a chaotic situation or hostile relationship. Maybe it’s a battle to save ourselves from depression or addiction. Right now I’m battling my computer that wants to gobble up my email files and leave me without the resources to communicate with my readers. Technology seems to be a persistent battlefield for me.

How do we fight these battles? More importantly, how do we win them?

Natural Inclinations

Instinctively, we want to lash out, to fight the battle in our own strength. That is our default mode—our natural inclination, or what God calls our “flesh.”

In Jesus Calling, we hear God’s voice through the words of Sarah Young who pens, “Give up the illusion that you deserve a problem-free life. Part of you is still hungering for the resolution of all difficulties. This is a false hope!” And then she refers her readers to John 16:3 where Jesus told his disciples, ‘in the world you will have trouble.’”

So how do we deal with these troubles? How do we fight the battles?

Before David defeated the giant Goliath, he declared, “The battle is the Lord’s.” (1 Samuel 17:47) When King Jehosophat was forced to do battle against a vast army, the Lord said to him, “Do not be afraid or discouraged because of this vast army. For the battle is not yours, but God’s.” (2 Chronicles 20:15).

Time and again we read stories in the Old Testament where God-fearing kings and leaders were triumphant in battle despite enormous odds against them. Not only Jehosophat, but Hezekiah, Asa, and others were each besieged by armies much larger than theirs, and yet they easily won the battle.

Why?

The Winning Strategy

Jehosophat fasted and prayed to the Lord. He called his people together, and they praised God for the splendor of His holiness, proclaiming that “His love endures forever.” “As they began to sing and praise, the Lord set ambushes against the men of Ammon and Moab and Mount Sier who were invading Judah, and they were defeated.” (2 Chronicles 20:22)

Hezekiah’s first act as king was to purify the temple and call the people to worship the Lord. Afterwards, when an enormous army from Assyria came against him, he “cried out in prayer to heaven . . . and the Lord sent an angel who annihilated all the fighting men and the leaders and officers in the camp of the Assyrian king.” (2 Chronicles 32:20-21).

When the huge army of the Cushites came against king Asa, he “called to the Lord his God and said, “’Lord, there is no one like you to help the powerless against the mighty. Help us, O Lord our God, for we rely on you and in your name we have come against this vast army. O Lord, you are our God; do not let men prevail against you.’ The Lord struck down the Cushites before Asa and Judah.’” (2 Chronicles 14:11)

Last week, in Janet’s story of victory over a dying marriage, God called her to fast and pray before she had even a glimpse of how the story would end. She was obedient, and throughout this time the Lord told her to continue to hold on. She praised God—even when her situation looked increasingly hopeless. She did spiritual battle—not against her husband, but against the spiritual enemies that were trying to destroy him and their marriage. She acknowledged that the battle was the Lord’s. She humbled herself to surrender the situation to God. Instead of trying to understand what she should do or what God would do, she left it in the hands of her mighty God whose “ways are higher than” our own. (Isaiah 55:8-9)

And God prevailed. The enemy lost. Her husband’s heart returned to her, and her marriage was restored.

When we find ourselves locked in conflict and nothing is resolved, it may be that we misunderstand the nature of the battle. While we run skirmshes with bows and arrows, the enemy of our souls is shooting missles. War rages in heavenly places, but we engage in futile maneuvers that simply move the conflict from one turf to another. God’s powerful weapons can demolish Satan’s strongholds, but we, as His children, need to give Him the reins of power so He can do it. He won’t take them from us; it’s up to us to relinquish them freely into His hands.

If the battle is truly the Lord’s, it makes sense to do as these righteous kings of Judah did, surrendering everything to God, obeying even when it doesn’t make sense, and praising God when our situation seems hopeless and victory looks impossible. Most of all, we need to lay our hearts out before Him with whole-hearted humility and trust.

If you would like to understand more about spiritual warfare, check out the 100 Huntley Street interview segments below, in which Moira Brown interviews Neil T. Anderson, author of The Bondage Breaker.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2ESddXkBAfg

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=z0HVd7iQ-vk

Let us shout our praises to God. Let us come into His presence with singing. Our God holds victory in His hands.

Filed Under: Battles, Conflict, How to win, Marital separation, marriage, Prayer, spiritual warfare, unanswered prayers Tagged With: addiction, battles, conflicts, depression, fasting, praise, spiritual warfare, troubled marriage, unanswered prayer