I Don’t Want a Divorce

October 3, 2019 by 2 Comments

“I did everything I could to keep it from happening,” she said. “I asked him to give it another try. I suggested we go to counseling. I even pleaded with him. Nothing worked. We’ve been divorced now for a year.” Her sad eyes told me she still wanted her marriage. She didn’t want a divorce, but she was out of answers.

What could I say to her? Yes, she’d done everything she thought could help. But, unfortunately, the approach she took—which countless others take as well—usually fails to bring about the desired results. She didn’t want a divorce, but divorce came anyway.

It’s a story I’ve heard too many times. A story that ends the way no one really wants, but seems inevitable. But is it?

Doing What Comes Naturally

No one expects a separation to happen . . . or a divorce.  And if it does happen, at least one of the parties is usually unprepared. They don’t know what to do so they do what comes naturally. But “naturally” usually takes them down the wrong road that eventually leads to divorce. There is an answer though. There is a right way to respond that has a good chance of saving the marriage.

If you are in this situation, and your spouse’s decision to leave or file for divorce, catches you off guard, and if they seem to have made up their mind on this course of action, if you don’t want a divorce, the first thing to do is not to plead, but to give them space.

If a spouse has actually left the home or says they want a divorce, they are usually running from conflict—whether that conflict is in the home or a conflict raging within their own head. Chasing after them with questions or trying to persuade them to come home or do something to help the marriage, causes them to experience more conflict. Giving them space, and then following up with positive words when you have contact, can ease their fears of your being the source of further conflict.

When you speak words that are positive and encouraging, you don’t need to show acceptance of what he or she is doing. Simply say things that communicate your acceptance of him or her as a person.  Let your positive words be sincere, not stilted or forced. Try to think of something. . . anything . . . that you really mean, no matter how small. A “thank you for picking up the kids,” can do. Or “I’m glad the apartment you’re renting is close by.” Or, “I like the new way you’re doing your hair.” Positive interactions provide a safe environment that can move your relationship in a more positive direction and create a path forward for possible reconciliation.

Calming Your Turbulent Emotions

Meanwhile, as you take this positive attitude toward your mate, you also need to discover ways to deal with your own turbulent emotions and find answers for your own journey. The decision to give space and speak positively, when your heart is breaking and your emotions are on a roller coaster, needs supernatural backup. And supernatural backup is available. God is waiting on the doorstep of your heart, wanting to give you His peace, His wisdom, and His love. He has answers for you. So in the midst of your turmoil, reach out and invite Him in to sit with you in your grief. He has much to teach you and show you. He can lift you up during these hard times. He will walk with you on this journey.

I Don’t Want a Divorce

Realize, too, that you need to give this time. When separation or serious steps toward divorce occur, something in the marriage is broken and change needs to happen. But change takes time. If you let God accompany you on this journey, He will lead you through this labyrinth of confusion one step at a time. He can teach you what He wants you to know, and, if you don’t set time limits, you can give God time to reach into your spouse’s heart and bring about needed changes there too. If you don’t want a divorce and can put your hope in God instead of being in a hurry for resolution, there’s a good chance you can reconnect with your spouse in God’s perfect timing and eventually come together again with a healthy marriage.

Finding the Hope

If your emotions are tearing you apart and you feel like your world is collapsing around you, my first book, Broken Heart on Hold, will give you the emotional and spiritual strength to make it through this troubling time so you can be whole again and make good decisions. Broken Heart on Hold is a friend to walk beside you on this journey and has already helped countless others. I know it can help you too.

If you don’t want a divorce and want guidance on how to make the right decisions so you and your spouse can begin to connect again in a positive way, my second award-winning book, Fighting for Your Marriage while Separated, can take you step by step toward healing.

When separation occurs or one spouse moves toward divorce, many people think it’s hopeless. But it’s not. Just like what happened with my husband and I after being separated for three years, feelings can change. If one of you doesn’t want a divorce and is committed to doing what you can to turn things around, there is a strong possibility you can pivot your relationship in a new direction so a resurrected marriage can take place.

What have you tried to do to help your own marriage? I’d love to hear your comments.

 

If you don’t want a divorce and are willing to fight for your marriage, let me walk with you through the pages of my book, Fighting for Your Marriage while Separated. There you will find practical help that can guide you toward reconciliation even if you’re fighting for your marriage alone.

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Filed Under: BOOKS, Divorce, Marital separation, marriage, Marriage problems, Reconciliation, Uncategorized Tagged With: , , , , ,

Would I Be Happier with a Divorce?

September 3, 2019 by 6 Comments

When problems begin eating away at your marriage, one question that often rises to the surface is whether you might be happier with a divorce. In fact, if crisis erupts, it may be one of the first options that come to mind.

But would divorce make you happier? Would it resolve the turmoil and nagging anxiety that keeps you off balance?  And would remaining in a seemingly bad marriage keep you miserable?

With these questions in mind, Sociologist Linda Waite and a team of family experts conducted a study of 5,212 married adults a number of years ago, asking them if they were happy, very happy, unhappy, or very unhappy.  Then, five years later, they interviewed these individuals again, asking them the same questions.

The results were surprising.

Of those who originally rated their marriage as unhappy, two-thirds of them who stayed married ranked their marriage as happy five years later. But even more dramatic was the turnaround of those who rated their marriages as VERY unhappy.  Five years after the original interview, eight out of ten of those who initially rated their marriage as very unhappy, now reported five years later that their marriage was now happy.

So what happened?

The most important factor for those couples who turned unhappy marriages into happy marriages was commitment. The study found that in order to overcome obstacles so happiness in the marriage could be achieved, the process had to begin with commitment. Then appropriate change could take place. These couples apparently rejected the idea that they would be happier with a divorce, but how that happiness was attained was accomplished in three different ways.

In some cases, couples actively worked to solve their problems and did. But for others in a second scenario, happiness came about in a different way. For them, the sources of conflicts that had divided husband and wife eventually disappeared as financial and job problems eased, conflicts over children went away, depression let up, or the pain of infidelity faded. Finally, a third group of these overcomers simply found alternative sources of happiness for themselves by not depending on their spouses to make them happy.

These people were not just trying to cope with simple, solvable problems. In interviewing 55 of these formerly unhappy couples who had achieved happiness in their marriages five years later, the researchers found that many of them had endured extended periods of unhappiness, including such things as “alcoholism, infidelity, verbal abuse, emotional neglect, depression, illness, and work reversals.” 1

Those who divorced

So what happened to those who thought they would be happier with a divorce? If they got a divorce, were they happier with the end result?

In this study collected by the National Survey of Family and Households, researchers found that partners who divorced after rating themselves as unhappy in their marriages were typically no happier than those unhappy adults who stayed married—even if they remarried.

After controlling for race, age, gender, and income and rating participants on 12 different measures of psychological well-being, the study showed that “divorce did not typically reduce symptoms of depression, raise self-esteem, or increase a sense of mastery.”2 Although some sources of stress were eliminated, other situations were set in motion by the divorce which resulted in new problems. These included, “the response of one’s spouse to divorce, the reactions of children, potential disappointments and aggravation in custody, child support, and visitation orders, new financial or health stresses for one or both parents, and new relationships or marriages.”3

So what’s the answer? Would you be happier with a divorce?

When we consider the three types of approaches mentioned by the researchers that enabled couples to turn unhappy marriages into happy marriages, the attitude chosen by the third group of overcomers who found alternative sources of happiness may be the best place to start. Instead of relying on their partners to make them happy, they found something else to focus on. No one can meet all of our needs, and when we depend on our spouses to make us happy, they will invariably fall short. Only God can meet all of our needs. So for us as believers, when problems come, if we begin by focusing on Jesus instead of our spouse, He can lift us above those painful circumstances and give us a peace and joy that surmounts the stress of our situation. He can open our eyes to the answers He has for us . . . and that brings us to the plan used by the first group who overcame a bad marriage to turn it into a good marriage . . .

Change.

When we focus on God, He can show us the changes He wants us to make as individuals to make us into the persons He wants us to be. He can also lead us to make needed changes in our relationship. As believers, we are all hopefully in the process of becoming who God wants us to be, and when we surrender our situations to Him, He can use them to purify our hearts and lives. His Word shows us how to communicate in healthy ways, and when we spend more time poring over God’s Word to find the wisdom He has for us, we can begin to see new ways to improve our relationships.

And that brings us to the second group who simply seemed to outlast their problems. What is true today might not be true tomorrow.  Our lives are ever-evolving. Circumstances change. Children grow up. Jobs come and go. Finances can change dramatically. When we make serious lifelong decisions based on a temporary juncture in life, we cut short our ability to see God’s overall plan for redemption and reconciliation. When we can join with our spouse to push through these temporary stresses, the partnership we form together can outlast life’s troubles and worries to create a beautiful and lasting union we will celebrate in times to come. When we give God time to work and surrender our problems to Him, He is faithful to give us answers along with His peace and joy

Tipping the Scales

So would you be happier with a divorce?

When we grow impatient with our circumstances and seek relief from the pain and discomfort they bring, divorce may appear to be the answer. And in some cases, such as with physical abuse or a spouse who persists in a sinful lifestyle that harms the family, there may be no other choice. But as the above study suggested, in many cases, we may just be inviting new problems into our life.

What can tip the scales in favor of fighting for our marriages is how much we believe in the power and wisdom of God.

When we believe that God is sovereign and has the power to move mountains, we can also rest in the assurance that He can change hearts and lives. If we believe His promise that He does indeed bring beauty from ashes, we can give the ashes of a crumbling marriage to Him while we wait for the beauty and joy of resurrection to appear.  Then we will discover the truth of Psalm 30:5, which says, “Weeping may endure for a night, But joy comes in the morning.”

 

If you are willing to fight for your marriage, let me walk with you through the pages of my book, Fighting for Your Marriage while Separated. There you will find practical help that can guide you toward reconciliation even if you’re fighting for your marriage alone.

Statistics and quotes above taken from: “Does Divorce Make People Happy? Findings from a Study of Unhappy Marriages” by Linda J. Waite, Don Browning, William J. Doherty, Maggie Gallagher, Ye Luo, and Scott M. Stanley, Institute for American Values.

What do you think of the results of this study? Add a comment and share what’s on your mind.

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Filed Under: Conflict, disappointment, Divorce, Hope, How to win, loss, Love, Marital separation, marriage, Marriage problems, Problems, Reconciliation, Trusting God, Uncategorized Tagged With: , , , , , , , , , ,

God’s Timing Amidst His Promises

May 29, 2019 by 1 Comment

At some point early in my painful marital separation, I felt God telling me that my husband and I would one day be baptized together. I don’t remember exactly when or how God put this in my mind, but it was one of the things that helped me hold on through the ups and downs of those difficult three years. Obviously, I realized that if this were to happen, it would mean my husband and I would someday reconcile our marriage. I also felt God telling me that my husband was to initiate it. I was to say nothing.

It was a beautiful picture I held in my heart as a way that my husband and I might one day be reconciled by renewing our faith together and also renewing our marriage commitment. I only told one of my friends exactly what God had shown me. But I always envisioned some very dramatic setting in which this would take place. We would be reconciled, then my husband would look at me starry-eyed and suggest we get baptized together. It would happen in the first few months after we got back together; we’d invite our friends and family; and we would make it a wonderful celebration of our marriage as well as our new life in Christ.

But after we actually did get back together, my husband Marv did not mention getting baptized. A couple of times after hearing baptism mentioned in a sermon, I asked him what he thought about what the pastor had said. He either didn’t have much to say about it at all or he didn’t see that it particularly applied to him. Time passed and nothing happened.

About nine years after we reconciled, one of our pastors preached a sermon about baptism. During the message, my heart burned within me. When the service ended, Marv turned to me and said, “I think you and I should get baptized.” My heart soared.  After eleven years of waiting, the promise was coming true.

A couple of weeks later, with absolutely no pomp and circumstance, Marv and I were baptized together. We signed up only a few days prior and told a few friends and family the night before. The one person who showed up with this last-minute invitation was – you guessed it – the friend I had specifically told about my promise from God. We were able to share our testimony with those present, most of whom we didn’t know, and it was a very personal, beautiful time of renewal for both of us. Having my friend Mary there as a witness to both God’s promise and fulfillment was especially meaningful.

It was probably eleven years from the time I first felt God whisper that promise into my heart until I actually saw the fulfillment of that promise.  And when it came, it looked so different than what I imagined. Was God slow?  Did I hear the message wrong?

We as Christians celebrate Christ as Messiah, our savior who brings salvation and hope to the world. But He as Messiah was not what the Hebrew people expected. They pictured their Messiah to be born in majesty and splendor. They expected him to come with an army to rule this earthly world. They had heard God’s promise, but they expected it’s fulfillment to look very different from what actually transpired.  And to this day, many people have missed seeing the fulfillment of the very promise they long to see take place.

Many of you continue on a difficult journey in your marriage, and while you may have felt God stirring hope in your heart at one time, the promise you’d hoped to see fulfilled is still far from view. Is God slow in answering?

God’s purposes are beyond our own, His thoughts are higher than ours. He has a plan that draws all things together, that brings healing to hearts beyond our own, that reaches down to touch us in the deep places of our soul, which can be so resistant to his voice. God holds all things together. When we look to him and trust him, we will see his promises unfold in our lives…maybe not WHEN we’d like them to…maybe not HOW we’d like them, but they will be perfect in God’s holy sight and will fit into his eternal plan.

As you open your heart in humility to hear God’s voice, I pray His presence will buoy up your heart with love, peace and a new sense of promise.

Read more of my story and how marriages can be reconciled in Fighting for Your Marriage while Separated.

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Filed Under: Desire, Expectations, Hope, Marital separation, Reconciliation, Trusting God, Trying to understand, Where is God? Tagged With: , , , ,

When New Life Appears

May 8, 2019 by 5 Comments

This is what the Sovereign Lord says to these bones: I will make breath enter you, and you will come to life. Then you will know that I am the Lord. Ezekiel 37:5, 6b

When the city arborist stopped by to tell us they had received a grant to plant new trees in our neighborhood, we were delighted. We would receive two Shumard oaks, hearty ones that would grow tall and had a long life span, unlike our pretty laurel oaks that suffered so much in recent hurricanes.

The city planted the oaks, and someone came by regularly to pour water into the irrigation sacks around their trunks. However, a few weeks later the leaves on one of them started turning brown. Before long all the foliage on the tree appeared dead.

One evening when we went out for a walk, Marv said, “I wonder if they’ll take that tree out and bring us a new one,”

“Maybe we should call the city and let them know it’s dead,” I said. “It apparently never got a strong start.”

Each day we speculated about its prospects but didn’t make any calls, and the tree remained.

One morning Marv announced that a city truck came by and the driver again watered our new tree. We shook our heads and wondered why they were still watering a tree that was clearly dead. A few days later, however, when we stepped outside, we noticed a few green leaves at its base. The city continued watering it, and each evening as we went out to take our walk, we were astonished to see new life appear as green leaves continued to spread from the bottom to the top. In a few weeks, the entire tree was green once more. Our new Shumard oak was alive and growing.

“It’s amazing how that tree has come back to life,” Marv said. “You should use it in one of your stories. It would be a good analogy for marriages.”

When New Life Appears in a Marriage

It was, in fact, a good analogy for what had happened in our own marriage. For although at one time our marriage seemed dead, we gradually saw new life appear.

I remembered an afternoon thirteen years earlier at the beginning of what was to become our painful three-year separation. At this point, Marv and I hadn’t seen each other for two months, and the Christian couple he was staying with urged him to come talk to me. When I saw him at the door, I hoped it would be the beginning of reconciliation, but his downcast face quickly told me otherwise.

He slumped in the burgundy club chair he always sat in when we had our “talks.” I sat on the couch.

“I can’t tell you anything you want to hear,” he said dolefully.

My heart withered. I knew that meant he couldn’t say he loved me. I knew that meant he couldn’t say he wanted to reconcile our marriage. But, being a gentleman, he didn’t want to say the words. He didn’t want to hurt me more than he already had.

But I knew. The absence of words told me the ones left unsaid.

I plied him with questions, but he remained expressionless, and his answer stayed the same. When he left, I ran upstairs and collapsed on the bed, sobbing. I could see he felt our marriage was dead.

But like the Shumard oak, even though our marriage appeared to be dead, unbeknownst to either of us, a flicker of life still lingered.

As the months unfolded, each of us began allowing God to convict us of what we individually needed to do to change the dynamics between us. It took time, patience, and grace. But when we gave God the freedom to make us the new persons He wanted us to be, we began to see new life appear in our relationship. Our love returned, and we eventually reconciled.

A New Foundation of Love

Some time after we got back together, a sweet moment signaled that a new foundation of love had finally been rebuilt between us. I had removed the biscuits from the oven, placed the cookie sheet on the stove top, and begun placing the plump rolls onto the serving dish. The rich aroma of pot roast filled the kitchen. Feeling movement behind me, I turned.

Marv’s eyes sparkled as he looked at me. He leaned down and kissed me. “I love you,” he said warmly.

I wrapped my arms around his neck, and he held me tight. “I’m glad to be spending my life with you,” he said.

My heart danced as I gazed happily into his eyes. “Me too.”

Although the words “I love you” were common between us now, the spontaneous gesture gave them special meaning. No longer did the debris of brokenness dull the luster of our renewed relationship. The past hurts had scattered. The empty hole had filled. Our love was truly reborn. Twenty years and five grandchildren after that heart-wrenching day in our living room, life is as good as I could ever have hoped.

Marv tells the men in our marriage classes every week, “Feelings change. Don’t make your decisions based on feelings because they’re unreliable and they change.”

We are living examples. Marriages that appear to be dead can indeed be reborn. Many times people come to us saying the love in their marriage has died. However, when God is given the freedom to work in each of their lives, He can open their hearts to one another so green leaves of new life can begin to sprout.

When new life appears in a marriage it is a testimony to the promise of new life God gives to us both through nature and His Word. His power to bring life from death rocked the world 2,000 years ago and continues to rock the world today.

Share your heart. How can God make things new in your life?

© Linda Rooks 2019

Fighting for Your Marriage while Separated available on Amazon and other online retailers

Listen to Marv and Linda’s story in a three-part series on Family Life Today as they both share from the heart about their separation and restoration.

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Filed Under: Divorce, Doubt, Hope, Marital separation, marriage, Marriage problems, New Directions, Reconciliation, Surrendering to God, Trusting God, Uncategorized Tagged With: , , , , , , , , , , ,

Fighting for Your Marriage While Separated

March 20, 2019 by 1 Comment

MY NEW BOOK, FIGHTING FOR YOUR MARRIAGE WHILE SEPARATED, A Practical Guide for the Brokenhearted, released this week and is now available on Amazon. My own story of separation and reconciliation, along with the powerful stories of others who’ve walked this road, have prepared me to bring you this battle plan for reconciliation—stories which were born in pain, but now offer new life to struggling marriages.

What Turned Things Around?

But a curious thing happened to me the other morning.

Whenever I’m interviewed on radio or TV one of the inevitable questions I’m asked is what happened to turn things around during my three-year separation from my husband so we were able to reconcile our marriage.  That has always been a difficult question for me to answer because there wasn’t just one thing that made the difference. There were many.

But a few mornings ago as I was praying about an interview I had later that day, I suddenly realized I did have the answer! It was right in front of my eyes when I opened the first pages of my new book!  It was there in my chapter titles. Each chapter was an expansion of one of the things that had contributed to my own reconciliation story. Without realizing it, as I tried to show others how they could fight for their marriages and win, I had laid out the steps that lead to my own marriage reconciliation.

Through the years I’ve received many emails from readers of Broken Heart on Hold, asking me questions about their own marital challenges as they struggled to find reconciliation for their marriages. After finding hope, strength and encouragement for their marriages in the words of Broken Heart on Hold, they wanted to know how to take the next step. Fighting for Your Marriage while Separated provides the answers to these questions.

Fighting for Your Marriage while Separated, begins where Broken Heart on Hold left off, continuing to guide you through the labyrinths of separation, this time with practical answers to your questions and true life stories to give you hope.

Today I’m giving you a peek into the chapters so you can get a glimpse of some of the things you can put into your arsenal so you can fight for your marriage and win even if you’re separated and fighting for your marriage alone. Each chapter of Fighting for Your Marriage while Separated provides one more link to the winning strategy that brought not only my marriage back together, but many other marriages as well.

Fighting for Your Marriage while Separated

  1. Reacting to Your New Situation – When a spouse first leaves, the one left behind is devastated and often caught off guard. He or she is tempted to react in reckless ways that may actually push his or her mate further away. The first chapter shows the reader how to take steps to turn rash reactions into constructive responses.
  1. Sizing up Your Relationship Dynamics – Looking at the assertive versus passive natures of each spouse in their marriage relationship can provide a surprising glimpse into what brought them to the point of brokenness. This chapter shows the reader how to unravel these complex dynamics and begin moving in a positive direction toward healing.
  1. Exchanging Negative Communication Patterns for Positive Ones – Our negative responses to one another form reactionary circles that take us around and around in a repetitious pattern of interaction that produces the same frustration and hurts again and again. But either spouse can interrupt this sequence of interactions and change the dynamics of the relationship. This chapter shows you how that can be done.
  1. Finding Power in Positive Words –The road to restoring a marriage is paved with responses that will most likely seem unnatural in the midst of anger and deep pain. Taking a positive approach, instead of following negative instincts, can turn a marriage around. How do you actually do this?
  1. Drawing on Outside Help – Those who are separated need support from others to work through the pain and find healthy answers. Knowing where to turn for help and how to recognize the difference between helpful vs. unhelpful support makes a difference. Even when choosing a counselor, it’s important to understand the difference between individual counselors and marriage counselors. Not all counselors are trained in marriage counseling, and an untrained counselor who tries to work with couples can do more harm than good. Marriage counseling is more difficult because the counselor is ministering to three separate clients at the same time and needs to know how to handle any conflict that may erupt in a counseling session. Knowing what to look for and what to avoid is important in getting the help you need.
  1. Protecting Your Child’s Heart – The children of a separated couple are torn in many directions emotionally, but usually hover in the background, unnoticed. How do we help them through their loneliness and confusion without entangling them in our own pain and disappointments? One of my own daughters, who not only suffered through my three-year separation but is now a mental health counselor, sheds light on this important but often overlooked subject.
  1. Stepping into the Prayer Closet – Effective prayer for our marriages encompasses much more than we think. Praying for restoration is only the beginning as we humble ourselves and allow God to sift the chaff from our hearts and lives, pray sacrificially for our spouses, and surrender everything to God.
  1. Letting Go–The Hardest Prescription – The true answer to turning the marriage around starts with letting go of control and giving it all to the God who knows how to put together the broken pieces of our lives to create something beautiful. How do we do that?
  1. Unwrapping the New You – To have a healthy marriage, we need two healthy individuals in that marriage. The separated person not only needs to take care of him/herself, but also let God unwrap the potential within. God uses the trials in our lives for a purpose. One of His purposes is to make us into more of the person He first designed us to be. We have a creative God who can use this time to take us on a new personal adventure of growth.
  1. Turning the Prayer Closet into a War Room – Once we have humbled ourselves and completely put our trust in God, we are ready to declare war on the enemy of our marriage. We begin by entering into God’s courts with praise and then dress ourselves piece by piece in the power of the armor of God.
  1. Making Tough Choices – How do we love the spouse who is tearing our marriage apart and protect ourselves as well? How do we handle a mate caught up in addictions or an affair? And what about an abusive spouse? In setting appropriate heart guards, it’s important to find that fine line between love and self-protection. An in-depth discussion with Counselor, John Tardonia, about physical abuse, a look at how to handle infidelity, and a powerful story from the trenches about addiction will help us find the answers.
  1. Dating as Friends – One perplexing issue a separated couple often begins to grapple with at some point is whether or not they can be friends while separated. The surprising answer to this is that a period of friendship dating can actually be a positive step toward putting a marriage back together.
  1. Knowing If It’s Time To Reconcile – Even when a prodigal spouse is ready to return, the timing may or may not be right for true reconciliation. There is a way that will successfully bring the marriage back together in a healthy forever relationship, and there’s a wrong way that may cause the marriage to break apart again. What are the signs that a separated couple is ready to get back together and rebuild a solid marriage? The story of a couple who did it both the wrong way and the right way sheds light on this subject.
  1. Learning to Live with the Same Spouse in a New Marriage – When a couple finally gets back together, how do they ensure that their marriage has a firmer foundation than before and that bad habits won’t return? How do they create safety for each other? And when relapses do occur, how should they handle them? My husband Marv and I share a number of principles that can help the new reconciled marriage become the marriage you always wanted.
  1. Coping With the “D” Word – Lurking in the separated person’s mind is a dark, dreaded fear. What if, after all the waiting, their mate still decides to file? Wherever this road leads, God has provided. You needn’t be afraid. God’s perfect love will carry you through no matter what happens. Answers to common questions about divorce are provided and helpful programs recommended.
  1. Who Are You Holding For? – Although your heart has been on hold for your spouse, it is only when you truly fill your heart up with Jesus that you will find a completely healed heart. He’s the only one who will give us a perfect love. In your waiting, God has brought you something more precious than what you thought you’d lost—the sweet intimacy of a deeper relationship with Christ. Two stories with different endings show how God is not limited by our own expectations and brings the beauty of restoration to us in different ways.

Finding the Hope to Fight the Fight

If you are separated, there is hope—even if you’re fighting for your marriage alone. Our culture is filled with misconceptions. One of them comes regularly whenever I begin telling people about the many marriages I’ve seen reconcile. After a sad sigh, one person will often say, “But it takes two to want to reconcile.”

While it ultimately does take two to finally get back together, it doesn’t take two to start the process of reconciliation. One spouse, alone, who is willing to trust God, focus on Him, and surrender the marriage to God, can often bring about restoration. But he or she needs to trust God’s ways and His timing and realize God has purposes beyond their own. Yes, eventually, it does take two. But God will restore the person who waits on Him during the waiting, sometimes in unexpected ways, regardless of the eventual outcome.

So come and join the battle. Let me join you as you fight for your marriage. I want to show you principles and strategies to help you win—even if you’re separated and fighting for your marriage alone. Together, let’s look to the Commander and seek Him for direction.

Fighting for Your Marriage while Separated, A Practical Guide for the Brokenhearted

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Filed Under: Battles, BOOKS, Divorce, Fear, Hope, How to win, Marital separation, marriage, Marriage problems, Reconciliation, spiritual warfare, Surrendering to God, Trusting God Tagged With: , , , , , , , , , , ,

Can Separated Couples Reconcile? Bringing about Reconciliation after Separation

March 13, 2019 by 4 Comments

This is Part 3 of a 4 part series on separation. You can read Part 1, and 2 on Heart Talk.

The question that hangs in the air after a separation occurs is, “Can separated couples reconcile? Is it really possible? Are there success stories of couples who have done this? And how is bringing about a reconciliation possible when only one person wants this outcome?”

For the person who wants the marriage to be restored after separation, these are heartrending questions, often blighted by feelings of hopelessness and despair. But contrary to what many believe, there IS hope for the marriage to be reconciled. Surprisingly, if you are that spouse who wants to see your marriage restored, you can begin the process of turning your marriage around even with a partner who has no interest in reconciling.

In parts one and two of this series, we talked about the importance of giving space, creating safety, giving it time, taking responsibility, and speaking positive words. This is how to begin the process and set the stage if reconciliation is to occur.

The idea, however, of one person in the marriage being able to turn the marriage around by themselves after separation may seem an impossibility. How can separated couples reconcile when only one person in the marriage wants that to happen?

While your first inclination may be to focus on how your spouse needs to change and how to resolve issues, the more valuable focus should be on how to build up your spouse through your prayers, words, and actions.  Ephesians 4:29 asks us to “build others up according to their needs.” Pray for God to help you take a compassionate look at your spouse to better understand his or her needs. Step back and look at the dynamics that have typically taken place in your marriage. Is there an imbalance in the way decisions are made? Are your partner’s concerns being heard in marital discussions? What is your spouse’s fears, hopes, and dreams?  Do you understand what your spouse needs emotionally to feel loved? What is important to her? What is he proud of? What makes your spouse feel discouraged or hopeful?

Answering these questions may give you a better understanding of your spouse’s needs so you know how to approach your spouse, alter your behavior, and speak words of encouragement when you are together. Instead of talking about issues at this point, when you have contact, create an atmosphere of safety between you.

Pray

In humility, pray for God to show you your part in the marital impasse. Ask others for their honest input on changes they think you should make—not to become what your spouse wants you to be, but to become the best YOU God created you to be. Find some good Christian books to help you with this too. At the same time, guard your heart. Give your heart into God’s care where He can keep it safe while God brings healing to both your hearts. Proverbs 4:23 wisely tells us to, “Guard your heart for the heart is the wellspring of life.” By giving this time to God, He can strengthen your heart and open your eyes to any changes He wants to make in you. With the strength God gives you, it will be easier to respond more positively to your spouse so you can begin interacting in a safe environment.

Pray also for your spouse—not just that he or she will want to return to you, but that they will know more of God’s grace and have a meaningful encounter with Jesus. When they can heal emotionally and fully understand the love and fulfillment God can bring to their lives, they will then have more love to give to you. Someone who is empty has little to give to another. 1 John 4:7-8 says, “God is love.”  “Beloved, let us love one another, for love is of God; and everyone who loves is born of God and knows God. He who does not love does not know God, for God is love.”

Identify Negative Dynamics in Your Marriage

Try to identify out-of-balance dynamics and negative reactionary circles that have kept your marriage off balance and discover ways to correct them. If you do this, you can start redirecting negative exchanges into positives whenever you have contact with your mate.

One of the surprising realities of relational transformation can be seen when one person decides to respond differently to their spouse during a time of conflict instead of reacting in the usual way that tends to advance a continued cycle of negativity and conflict. When one person disrupts the typical pattern of conflict by responding differently, the reaction of the other person must change also. The circular dynamics of conflict are altered and the relational exchange spins out in a new direction. In this way, one person can turn the relationship in a new direction by finding more effective ways to communicate. Here are a few possibilities:

  • Listen to your spouse without interrupting even if you disagree with what they are saying.
  • Be aware of your own negative body language or tone of voice.
  • Accept and validate your spouse’s feelings and experience without judging.
  • Respond with positive words of encouragement and reassurance.
  • Be willing to take a time out instead of pressing your point.

Let Go of Your Expectations

Finally and most importantly, surrender your marriage to God. Let go of it.  Put it in His hands. This is the hardest part of the process, but the most necessary.  God has answers for you and your mate that you don’t have. He sees the big picture. He knows what each of you needs for your marriage to be restored. With your heart safely in God’s protection, you can experience a new peace. When you let go and surrender it all to God, He can put together all the missing pieces. Then, when positive interactions and safe environments begin to take place between the two of you, you may slowly begin to experience enjoyable times together.

If and when you come to a point when you both want to reconcile, proceed carefully and resist the temptation to move back in together too soon. Listen to one another, encourage one another, and take your spouse’s concerns seriously. Meet with a counselor or attend a peer program like Retrouvaille or Marriage 911 to acquire the necessary tools to successfully mesh your lives back together again. As evangelist Jimmy Sowder used to say, “Always remember: we cannot rush God in His timing, but we sure can delay it.”

Can Separated Couples Reconcile?

Can separated couples reconcile? Has it been done before? Can I give examples?

Absolutely, yes. My husband and I are just one example of a couple with a resurrected marriage who reconciled after three years of separation. And now in the marriage ministry we have lead for the past twelve years, we have seen many other marriages reconcile as well. You can read several of their stories in my new book, Fighting for Your Marriage while Separated, others on my Heart Talk blog, and you can find more of my own story in my first book, Broken Heart on Hold.

So can separated couples reconcile? Yes, they can. Saving a marriage after separation may take a while as you dig beneath the chaos so reconciliation can take place. But if you are growing as a person and in your understanding of God’s great love for you, and if you are allowing God to guard your heart, the waiting may bring unexpected blessings.

Next week: Fighting For Your Marriage While Separated – pulling it all together.

If you want to save your marriage, Fighting for Your Marriage while Separated by Linda W. Rooks  will give you the practical help you need to guide you through the complexities and confusion of a separation. Reconciliation is possible–even if you’re fighting for your marriage alone.

 

 

 

 

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Saving A Marriage After Separation – Yes, You Can

March 6, 2019 by Leave a Comment
This is Part 2 of a series on separation. You can read Part 1, “Is There Hope for The Separated Marriage?” on Heart Talk, posted February 25, 2019

A women leaning her head against the back of her husband who has turned away fromher and crossing his armsSaving a marriage after separation doesn’t begin the way most people think it would. Most believe both husband and wife need to work on it before there’s a chance for reconciliation. But if just one partner in the marriage perseveres in working toward reconciliation, there’s a good possibility of saving a marriage after separation.

If you are the spouse who wants to reconcile, chances are at the beginning of your separation, you started off by thinking, “How do I make my spouse realize they are wrong about the marriage? How do I convince him or her that I am really a great person worthy of their love? How do I show them their mistakes? After all, your mate is probably the one who chose to separate so they are obviously wrong—right? Consequently, your first inclination may be to convince your spouse they are wrong about the marriage and they are wrong to leave.

Safety

Although these feelings may very well be justified, saving a marriage after separation requires a very different approach. For reconciliation to take place in a separated marriage, one of your first goals should be to create an atmosphere of safety between you. You begin this process by giving your partner some space. Then, take a little coffee break with God and let God calm your heart. He can strengthen you in the waiting so you can carry out the steps He unfolds to you along the way. Proverbs 3:5-6 says, “Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge Him and He will direct your paths.” Use this circumstance to spend time with Jesus. Seek guidance from the Almighty God who loves both you and your spouse and wants to heal your breaking hearts.

Don’t be in a hurry. Remember, change takes time. This crisis didn’t develop overnight, and it won’t be resolved quickly. Don’t set time limits. Realize feelings change. What we feel one day may be very different six months from now. That can be true of your spouse and can also be true of you. But it takes time for this to happen.

With God as your anchor, you can then set in motion the necessary steps for saving a marriage after separation. As a first step, make a decision to start responding more positively to your spouse so you can begin interacting in a safe environment.

Responsibility

Open your heart also to the possibility that your separation is not all your partner’s fault. Look at yourself to see changes God wants you to make – not to become what your spouse wants you to be, but to become what your Heavenly Father wants you to be. Be willing to accept responsibility for your part in the breakdown. During our three-year separation, it took me a whole year before I realized it wasn’t all my husband’s fault. It was when I saw my own part in the marital breakdown that God was able to begin making the necessary changes in both our hearts so we were eventually able to reconcile. Even if the sin of one of you is more egregious, both partners have usually played a part in what has transpired.

Speaking positive words into the life of your partner whenever you have contact while simultaneously letting God show you your own deficiencies can begin a safe and steady move toward the goal of saving a marriage after separation.

Ephesians 4:29 exhorts us to “build others up according to their needs.” Do you understand your spouse’s needs? Do you know how to encourage your spouse and build him up? To bring your marriage back to health, learning how to meet your mate’s emotional needs and building him or her up accordingly can contribute greatly toward fostering the emotional vibrancy necessary to having a healthy marriage relationship.

Positive Words

During our separation, as I considered how saving a marriage after separation might be possible, I encountered a passage in John Gray’s book, Men are From Mars, Women are from Venus that changed the trajectory of my thinking.  In his book, Gray maintains that the emotional needs of a man are different from the emotional needs of a woman, and as I read what he described as the emotional needs of a man, I was stunned. As I perused the two lists, I realized I had pretty much been doing what a woman needs for her emotional needs to be met. After all, as a woman, I guess that would come somewhat naturally. But I had been clueless about the emotional needs of a man. As I read that list, I was appalled that I had done so little as a wife to meet the emotional needs that would satisfy my husband as a man.

According to John Gray, a woman’s primary emotional needs are “caring, understanding, respect, devotion, validation, and reassurance.” A man’s primary emotional needs are “trust, acceptance, appreciation, admiration, approval, and encouragement.”

After reading these lists, I immediately began to think about how I could apply this new revelation to my situation. It was hard at first to think of ways to show trust, admiration and approval towards my husband who had turned his back on me. But I knew it was important to find sincere ways to do that. So I sat down and made a list of everything I could think of—even small things—that would build him up emotionally. Then when we had contact, I tried to work one of these encouragements into our conversation. Slowly, as I began to build my husband up, he became more interested in spending time with me. It was a pivotal time that moved us in a more positive direction so that we ultimately were able to restore our marriage.

Understanding these differences and then speaking positive words into the life of your spouse to meet his or her specific needs is an important step toward saving a marriage after separation.

A separation is a heartrending, complicated, and lonely experience in a married person’s life with no simple answers. But answers do exist as you walk with the Lord and allow Him to open your understanding one day at a time. Creating a positive and safe environment where answers can begin to evolve plays a significant role in saving a marriage after separation.

Next week: Part 3 – Can separated couples reconcile? Bringing about a reconciliation.

If you want to fight for your marriage, Fighting for Your Marriage while Separated by Linda W. Rooks  will give you the practical help you need to guide you through the complexities and confusion of a separation. Reconciliation is possible–even if you’re fighting for your marriage alone.

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Is There Hope for The Separated Marriage?

February 25, 2019 by 8 Comments

Man and woman sitting on the couch and turning away from each other“My husband left. He wants a divorce” These familiar and heartbreaking words break my heart each time a person comes to me, describing what is happening in their marriage when their spouse wants out. Their pain and desperation is palpable. I know some hard days lie ahead for them, but I also know there is hope if they can reign in their pain and choose the right path. Now that I’ve worked with those who are separated for so many years, I’ve seen God’s miraculous grace rescue marriage after marriage and bring back together those who are separated. So, yes, there is hope for the separated marriage.

How do you find hope for the separated marriage?

If you are in that place, it’s important to step back from your painful circumstances and take a fresh look at your relationship. If you have become separated, something in the marriage is broken. Just as an electrician needs to analyze an electrical system that has broken down in order to fix it, so too when a marriage breaks down, it’s important to locate the parts that are not working.

The process begins by giving space to a partner who is distancing himself and enlisting the aid of the Only One who has the full perspective, and that is our Creator God. As our Creator, God knows each of us inside and out. He knows me and you, and He knows our partners. He knows what needs to change for the relationship to work. When we seek God’s Omniscient perspective and look to Him for the answers, we can begin to take steps toward healing. A separation is messy and complicated. There are no simple answers. But there ARE answers. There are wrong paths we can travel and good ones to choose.

First Steps to Take

Giving space to the one who has left is the first step if you want to find hope for the separated marriage. Chasing after your spouse and forcing them to come up with answers to your questions only pushes them further away and will prolong the process. But giving space allows your partner to sort out the confusion spiraling through his or her head. Because of your pain, this is not an easy prescription, but it’s necessary in order to turn things around.

As you give space to your partner, you need to find healing and a place of safety for yourself. Proverbs 18:10 tells us, “The name of the Lord is a strong tower; the righteous run to it and are safe.” You are on a journey that will carry you over some rocky, barren places, and you need strength to make it through the rough terrain. As you run into the safety of God’s grace, you will find healing and hope. He can take care of your breaking heart. In his loving arms, you will find hope for the separated marriage that has taken place as He helps to soften the bitterness and pain so you can take the second step. For as you receive God’s grace, He will ask you in turn to offer grace to the one who is hurting you.

This means speaking positive words to your spouse, which is your next move as you seek to find hope for the separated marriage. Easing the tensions between you and your spouse by using positive words will provide a bridge over which the two of you can begin to tip toe as you take first steps back toward one another to explore new possibilities in your search for hope.

There is no straight, quick, and easy path to reconciliation, but as you traverse this labyrinth of confusion and pain, the road may bring unexpected healing and happiness as your eyes are opened to new realities.  God brings “beauty from ashes, and the oil of joy in place of mourning” when we allow Him to guide us along this difficult journey to find hope for the separated marriage we want to see reconciled.

Next week:  Reconciling a Separated marriage

If you want to fight for your marriage, Fighting for Your Marriage while Separated by Linda W. Rooks  will give you the practical help you need to guide you through the complexities and confusion of a separation. Reconciliation is possible–even if you’re fighting for your marriage alone.

 

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A Surprising Reality about Resurrected Marriages

July 31, 2018 by Leave a Comment

My husband and I recently watched the movie “Parent Trap” on TV, in which two eleven-year old girls randomly meet at a summer camp. When they discover they are actually twins, separated at birth by their divorcing parents, they contrive together to reunite their mom and dad. By switching places and working together, they ultimately succeed, and the family comes together again in a resurrected marriage.

While chatting about the story afterward, Marv and I agreed that several years ago we would have thought it pretty unlikely for a marriage to reconcile after an eleven-year divorce. But, surprisingly, today we actually know a couple who did exactly that.

As we talked about Clint and Penny—the couple who’d been divorced for eleven years and reconciled, it occurred to me they weren’t the only ones.  I remembered a story I included in my book about another couple who experienced a resurrected marriage after being divorced for eight years.  And in both cases, these marriages are continuing to thrive.

Having been in ministry to marriages in crisis for the past eleven years, we were able to recollect more and more couples whose marriages had collapsed at some point and then been resurrected years later. Strange, how the closer you are to an issue, the less preposterous the possibilities become for something like a resurrected marriage that otherwise may seem improbable—if not almost impossible.

Of course, our personal story was a starting point. We ourselves had experienced our own resurrected marriage after three years of separation. And to many people, that seemed impossible. As we continued to talk about it, we each conjured up memories of couples who had been separated for several years, and others who had divorced and remarried.

The difference between the movie fantasy and the real life reconciliation stories however, was that it took more than a candlelit dinner and a few resurrected memories to put the marriages back together.  Fantasy and reality do differ in that respect after all.  And what brought people back together in real life was change. Someone—or in most cases, both someones—changed.

When a divorce or separation occurs, it means something in the marriage is broken. It may simply result from a failure in the ability to communicate or resolve conflicts, or a serious imbalance in the dynamics of the relationship.  Or perhaps the marriage came under attack by either an outside assailant or a toxic dependency that was allowed to invade the marriage.

The beautiful reality about how God created us, however, is that change is possible, and a new resurrected marriage between the same two people can grow from the willingness to change.

In my experience, change happens when at least one of the parties humbles themselves before God and allows Him to sift their hearts and lives. As they can begin to see themselves through God’s eyes, they then start to recognize their own flawed behavior that may have contributed to the demise of the marriage. Although, their partner undoubtedly contributed to the downfall of the marriage as well, the one partner’s willingness to change can set positive things in motion.

Can candlelight and lovely memories bring a marriage back together? Yes. But chances are the new marriage won’t last if change has not taken place as well.  The starry-eyed reconciliation stories I have witnessed eventually come crashing down when couples do not put the necessary work into creating something new between them. Change is necessary.

God is a God of hope. But He is also a God who wants to create something new in our lives. The beauty of a resurrected marriage is built upon the humility of two people willing to let God mold them into His design where love and respect can thrive between them.

And it can start with just one.

If you want a resurrected marriage, Fighting for Your Marriage while Separated by Linda W. Rooks  will give you the practical help you need to guide you through the complexities and confusion of a separation. Reconciliation is possible–even if you’re fighting for your marriage alone.

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You Are Not Alone

April 19, 2018 by 2 Comments

When you feel your marriage beginning to crumble in crisis, fragments of unresolved issues, confusion, and pain can shatter your dreams and expectations for the life you thought you had. You feel all alone. You look around and see two camps of people: One camp with marriages intact, happily moving forward in their lives; the other camp with people who are divorced but apparently stable, moving past the hurts to find new dreams.

Two camps. Two choices. This is all you see.

And then some brave soul steps forward to share a true life experience of healing. They open their life to others to tell of deep, painful times in their marriage that God turned around in their life for good.

This happened the other day on my Facebook Page.  As I told of one marriage that was beginning to reconcile, other people jumped in to share their stories of how God had healed their marriages also. One after another, people emerged from the shadows of cyberspace to share a story of hope.

Others shared struggles they were still dealing with, and once again courageous souls jumped in to encourage them.

And many hurting people began to see they were not alone. There was a third camp—a third answer.

This is the beauty of Christian lives that are honest and vulnerable, allowing God to use the encouragement He has given them to encourage others. They show us a third option, something the world doesn’t see because most people want to put the hard times behind and not look back.

Through and beyond the stories of the honest and vulnerable, is a testimony of God’s wondrous power and love. God is our healer, and when we bring our brokenness to Him, He can bathe it in a healing balm that pulls everything together through the light He sheds into our darkness.

I’ve seen God do it in my own life, and now I’ve seen Him do it in many others as well. We are not alone. Others have walked this journey before us, and many have seen God breathe new life into marriages that appeared to have died slow and painful deaths.

We are not alone. We are never alone. Whether or not that courageous soul steps forth to speak to us of the hope they found for their marriage, God is by our side, waiting for us to come to Him, waiting for us to bring Him our pain and confusion so He can comfort us and lead us on a path into the light of His healing.

He wants to walk beside you on this journey. He holds hope in the palm of His hand. When you take His hand, you take hold of the hope of Jesus. You are not alone.

“May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in him, so that you can overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit” (Romans 15:13).

Do you have a story of hope? Are you struggling? Please share your own story by leaving a comment.

Listen to Marv and Linda’s story about their own three-year separation in a three-part series on Family Life Today as they both share from the heart about their separation and reconciliation.

If you want to reconcile a broken marriage, let me walk with you through the pages of my new award winning book, Fighting for Your Marriage while Separated to help you find hope. There you will find practical help that can guide you through the complexities so you can see how reconciliation is possible for you– even if you’re fighting for your marriage alone.

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