The Power of Forgiving the Unforgivable

August 21, 2019 by Leave a Comment

Guest post by Andrea Chatelain

The situation was out of my control as I watched people I love stung by betrayal.

With anger, sadness, and hope all fighting for my attention, my emotions swung back and forth to become a bitter weapon at one moment or a peaceful salve at another. I felt useless—until I realized the healing power I possessed, but was holding back: undeserved forgiveness.

When the people I love are hurt, my first reaction is sometimes to speak and act out of my emotion rather than my faith. But as I recently navigated relational pain, God pushed me to remember my story—how He pursued me. He used some of my darkest moments for my good, to bring me closer to Him in faith. And if it’s true for me, it’s true for those who’ve hurt me too.

Jesus taught and modeled some hard lessons to swallow. Love your enemy. Be peacemakers. Pursue mercy. Forgive because your Heavenly Father has forgiven you. These commands all sound good, until you have to put them into practice. If you’re like me, your heart sends out condemning messages instead like, You hurt me! You don’t deserve my forgiveness! How could you do that? That was wrong.

That’s why I need the Holy Spirit to guide my thoughts. I have to check in with truth in Scripture of what I’ve freely received from God and never deserved.

Like this…

“So if there is any encouragement in Christ, any comfort from love, any participation in the Spirit, any affection and sympathy, complete my joy by being of the same mind, having the same love, being in full accord and of one mind. Do nothing from selfish ambition or conceit, but in humility count others more significant than yourselves” (Philippians 2:1-3 ESV).

That Scripture challenges me to ask, what do I get from knowing Jesus? And do others receive the overflow from me?

I think of how He’s comforted and encouraged me through depression and anxiety. How in Him I found mercy and unconditional love in spite of my rebellion. As I reflected on times I screwed up big or small, hurt others, or acted foolish and sinful, I map out evidence that God pursued me in my pits. It’s the jolt of reality I need to help me forgive others well.

God grew a beautiful faith out of my blunders. Knowing He loved me despite my imperfection, switches my mindset towards others who outwardly offend. God’s actively redeeming their story too. No matter how far they’ve gone.

So when my thoughts want to condemn the people who feel like my enemy, the Holy Spirit counters saying, Who are you to stand in my way of redeeming my people? I bought you back when you were a sinner. And I’m on a mission to free them too. You get to choose what role you want to play. You can be a mirror of the undeserved life-giving forgiveness that I extended to you, or you can harbor bitterness that leads them farther away.

 We forgive because we’ve been forgiven. But we also forgive because we know that knowing Jesus is the only way for our enemies to change. It’s a springboard for God to do His redemptive work in their lives.

 Paul urges this, saying, “For such a one, this punishment by the majority is enough, so you should rather turn to forgive and comfort him, or he may be overwhelmed by excessive sorrow. So I beg you to reaffirm your love for him” (2 Corinthians 2:6-8 ESV).

I’ve seen people punished by the majority for their sins. And at times, I wanted to heap coals on the fire too. But God calls us to be a different kind of firelight.

When we choose the harder way of forgiveness, Paul says we save that person from excessive sorrow and we bring them back into love. It’s a beautiful picture of the gospel. The person will never forget it. And you can be sure God will use your faithfulness for His glory and your good.

What have you received freely from Christ? When have you felt His comfort, love, and mercy? When have you needed forgiveness? Reach out, reaffirm your brotherly or sisterly love for someone who perhaps doesn’t deserve forgiveness. Pray that God uses your obedience to help that person experience God’s love in a big way. And trust that He is actively working in their story just like He redeemed yours.

About the Author

Andrea Chatelain’s mission is to meet those who are struggling and love them forward with God’s truth. She’s a Midwest mom of three, faith and family writer at A Fruitful Woman, writer/speaker for WhollyLoved Ministries, and college English instructor to immigrants and refugees. She believes God is still in the business of restoring and redeeming His people, and she loves connecting with others to remind them of God’s love.

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Filed Under: Conflict, disappointment, forgiveness, Jesus, Problems, Prodigals, Reconciliation, Uncategorized Tagged With: , , , ,

Why Can’t He Be More Like Me?, Author Interview with Poppy Smith

July 10, 2019 by Leave a Comment

“Why can’t he be more like me?”

I’m sure many of us women have looked at our husbands at times and struggled with that question. Why does he do the things he does? Why can’t he think and act the way I do? In my interview with Poppy Smith about her book, Why Can’t He Be More Like Me?, you will learn her answer to that bewildering question.  It’s clear to me that Poppy feels deeply about marriage and the importance of sharing what she’s learned with women who are grappling with this issue, for despite a very busy schedule, she graciously worked this interview with me in between edits of her newest book and flights in and out of the country for speaking engagements.

Poppy Smith is British, married to an American, and is an international speaker and multi-published author.  Her delightful sense of humor and honest practicality is evident in some of her book titles: I’m Too Young to Be This Old; and I’m Too Human to Be Like Jesus.  I believe you will be encouraged by the wisdom she has to share with you.

Linda: Tell us why you wrote Why Can’t He Be More Like Me. Does it come from your personal struggles?

Poppy:  Marriage is difficult for many reasons and our culture’s message is, If you’re unhappy, move on. But God has another message, use your difficulties and differences to grow closer to Him and let Him change you.

I’m from England and met and married my American husband, Jim, when I lived and worked as a secretary in Kenya. Neither of us was in ministry. I was a young, immature Christian and Jim was a doctor with the Peace Corp. Six weeks after our wedding we came to America. I was 22, an immigrant without family or friends. Jim was the only person I knew and he was buried in his studies and work. Desperately lonely, I became very angry, questioning what I had done and where God was. I wanted to run back to Kenya or England, but knew that wasn’t what God wanted.

I was miserable for many years, but bit by bit God helped me. I learned to analyze where our problems were coming from, how to adjust my expectations, and how to accept life with someone who was my total opposite. As a speaker, author, and spiritual life-coach, I’ve found that through my difficult experiences I’m able to identify with and minister to both single and married women. I wrote, Why Can’t He Be More Like Me? to help women who are considering marriage, or baffled and upset by the man they married. It is full of practical tools and quizzes to help singles and couples understand themselves and why their relationship isn’t all they dreamed of and what they can do about it.

Linda: What do you think lies behind difficulties in marriage?

 Poppy:  There are many reasons. We have expectations that we’ve never been aware of, until we find them not being met.  Often we assume we have the same ways of looking at things, same values, same tastes, and same priorities.  We think our way of thinking and doing things is normal and wonder what the matter is with our spouse. My chapter, He’s Not My Clone, deals with many of these reasons.

 Linda: Do you think that a couple’s different upbringings can sometimes contribute to difficulties?poppy-smith

Poppy: Yes, even if you marry the boy next door, you still had different upbringings that can produce conflict. I expected my husband to lock the doors at night because my father did, Jim didn’t think about it because they never locked their home on the farm.  I tackle this common source of many disagreements in We Weren’t Raised in the Same Home. We can have different values, work ethics, ideas on raising children, handling conflict, money, communication and countless other issues because we were raised differently.

Linda: What about their different personalities and ways of processing information and events?

Poppy: Research shows that the brains of men and women are wired differently.  Understanding this fact can reduce a lot of conflict.  Understanding your personality type is also extremely helpful.  You might want to be involved in lots of events, but your spouse might prefer a quieter life. He might have high energy and want to be the life of the party, maybe he is loud or dominant. You might be the opposite, soft-spoken and preferring quiet.  Opposites often attract, but unless both partners learn to accept and respect one another, their differences can often lead to attacks.   There’s no perfect match of personalities that will ensure a happy marriage. In the end, every relationship is determined by how you treat each other. Appreciate your different strengths and focus on them.

Linda: In Why Can’t He Be More Like Me, you talk about men and women having some emotional needs in common, but they also have different needs.  Tell us more about that.

Poppy: Studies show that a primary need of women is affection.  For men, it is sexual intimacy.

Most of us feel loved when our husband spontaneously hugs and kisses us.  The majority of men, however, feel loved and accepted when their wife is sensitive to their sexual needs. Both want to feel loved, but it is perceived in different ways.  God made men with a legitimate sexual hunger that we are to respect as part of His design. Other human needs we have in common are attention, admiration, companionship, encouragement and domestic support.

Linda: Learning to communicate so you both hear what the other is saying is a key part of understanding each other.  What have you found most helpful?

Poppy: I took it for granted that my husband would know when I wanted attention and affection. That he’d know the sweet, soothing words I needed when I was upset. When this didn’t happen, I was hurt and wallowed in disappointment and negativity toward him.  I’ve learned that I need to adjust my expectations of him, because he just doesn’t think or respond as I would. He’s not bad, he’s a man. He’s not a woman and he’s not my clone.  I now explain my feelings and needs to him and ask for what I want at that moment. In addition, we’ve both learned to speak up when we feel hurt by the other. This enables us to apologize and grow closer as a couple.  

Linda: How can a couple find healthy ways to deal with conflict.

Poppy: I give many steps to defuse conflict in He Handles Conflict One Way, I Handle It Another. Four simple tips are: Learn to stop and ask yourself: what is this conflict about? Sometimes you’re reacting to different issues and don’t realize it.

Listen to each other’s reasoning and feelings without interrupting.

Decide what’s best for your relationship, not who is right.

Practice taking turns with who gets their preference.

Linda: Where can people find your book, Why Can’t He Be More Like Me?

Poppy:  You can order it anywhere books are sold. I’m delighted to send a signed copy if it’s ordered from my website: www.poppysmith.com  Your readers can find more at my website about my other books and the various topics I speak on—including marriage, domestic violence, the power of our words, and how to thrive no matter what.

 

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Understanding Personality Differences in Your Marriage

July 3, 2019 by 2 Comments

Photo by andrew welch on Unsplash

One of the odd and sometimes sad realities of many marriages is that the opposites, which originally contributed to your falling in love, can actually begin to erode the relationship in the later stages of marriage. The same opposites that first attracted you can eventually become annoying and bring about conflict.

To the serious minded person, that happy-go-lucky personality that originally beguiled her can begin to feel frivolous and unsupportive. She wants someone who helps around the house and relieves some of the workload. Likewise, for the fun-loving person who was originally drawn to the character strengths of his serious-minded mate, those qualities can eventually begin to seem dull, drab, and unexciting. He doesn’t want to spend his time working; he wants someone who likes to have fun.

In this kind of scenario, resentments can grow and marriages begin to unravel.

But it doesn’t have to be this way. Understanding those basic personality traits and learning to use the strengths and weaknesses of each partner to compliment the other can actually give you a stronger marriage and fill in the gaps. As you learn to appreciate each other’s strengths and humbly admit your own weaknesses, you become a stronger team to face life’s challenges.

Ann and Rocky

 

“When we learned about the personality differences and saw that I was a lion and he was an otter, we began to understand why we had some of the conflicts we had,” Ann told our Marriage 911 class when she and her husband gave their testimony a few years after they had reconciled from a four year separation. ”It was so much easier for us to work together and make the most of our strengths and weaknesses. Understanding the personalities made a huge difference in our relationship and the way we interacted with each other.”

The “lion” and “otter” Ann refers to are the terms sometimes used to describe two of the four personality types first developed by Hippocrates. The more universal terms used by him and many personality professionals are sanguine, choleric, melancholy, and phlegmatic. The animal equivalents Ann referred to are otter, lion, beaver, and golden retriever. Some newer and more descriptive terms developed by Linda Golden and Linda Goldfarb in their book, Linked, Maximizing Life Connections One Link at Time, are socializer, mobilizer, organizer, and stabilizer.

Understanding Personality Differences

As Gilden and Goldfarb describe them, the socializer or sanguine is the  playful one or the life of the party, the mobilizer or choleric is the powerful personality that gets things done, the organizer or melancholy is the purposeful personality who keeps everything in order, and the stabilizer or phlegmatic is the easy going one who keeps things peaceful.

When my husband Marv and I took the tests, we discovered he falls into the sanguine, otter, socializer cagegory, and I am the melancholy, beaver, organizer. Marv has a great sense of humor, is a good conversationalist and a people magnet and is generally tuned into the pop culture. I am more serious and analytical, usually have a list to accomplish, and love working with words. My secondary trait is socializer and  his is stabilizer. I love the fun he brings into my life, and he appreciates my nesting instincts that keep our lives in order.

Through the years we’ve gradually learned how our personality characteristics can work together to form a more perfect union as man and wife, but it has taken time.

Packing for Family Vacations

When Marv and I went on a recent trip to the mountains, we laughed at the angst we used to experience in our early marriage when we took vacations with the children. One of the stresses we regularly encountered was the job of packing the car. Being the husband, the father, and the man of the house, he would haul the suitcases out to the car and load them into the trunk. I would typically come out, look inside, and want him to rearrange things to make more room for additional bags and paraphernalia the children and I would bring.  It was one of the conflicts that often put a damper on the start of family road trips.

After many years of such frustration, we finally came to a realization about our innate strengths and weaknesses and made a change that satisfied us both. So today while he is stronger than I and carries the suitcases out to the car, I take on the role of organizer and happily set about moving the suitcases and bags around in the trunk until everything fits perfectly. For me as the melancholy, beaver, organizer personality, it is like putting together a puzzle. Meanwhile, he can sit back and watch me maneuver things around while getting out some music CDs to play in the car. As a result, the car is less crowded and more neatly put together and the trip more enjoyable.. Both of us are happy.

Discovering Your Personality Types

By taking the tests at one of the links below, you can discover your own personality type and that of your spouse. Often you will find you have a dominant personality type and one that runs a close second. When you recognize your own strengths and weaknesses and those of your mate you can begin to work together as a team by minimizing your own weaknesses in the home environment and benefiting from each other’s strengths.

Eventually, you may find that when you step back from some of your misunderstandings and look at them from the perspective of your personality differences, problematic practices can be tweaked so both of you win.

You can take an online test at one of the following links to discover your own personality types and that of your spouse.

Gotoquiz.com

Solvemymaths.files.wordpress.com

For more help in bringing reconciliation to a troubled marriage, read Fighting for Your Marriage while Separated.

 

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Filed Under: Conflict, disappointment, Expectations, How to win, Love, Marriage problems, Problems, Reconciliation, Trying to understand, Uncategorized Tagged With: , , , , , ,

Understanding our Differences

June 12, 2019 by Leave a Comment

Why do we like differences?

Why do we not like differences?

Yes, two opposite questions and two opposite assumptions.

Sometimes differences are exciting and add vibrancy and variety to our lives. Other times differences are irritating and rub us the wrong way.

If everything and everyone was the same, it might be boring, right? We like life to be colorful and interesting. But when people are different, we can have a hard time understanding and relating to something that is unfamiliar to our own thinking.

Last week I did two interviews. One was for women on a show called “Girlfriendit!” And a few days later I did an interview on a show for men called “Real Men Connect.” (This one won’t go on air for another 3 weeks.) The questions and the perspectives by the interviewers were vastly different; in one case we spoke into the needs and emotional responses of a woman, and in the other case we spoke into the needs and natural inclinations of a man. But in both cases the interview was for people who want to fight for their marriage during a separation or a troubled period in their relationship.

Last week my blog interview with Joyce Zook about her book 12 Keys for Marriage Success, What a Wife Can Do To Create a Wonderful Marriage was directed to women. The interview brought out some of the differences of men and women that a woman might want to consider in trying to improve her marriage. In a few weeks, I hope to have another interview with a man who brings out a man’s perspective.

Differences. It’s important to understand them.

For the next few weeks on Heart Talk, I want to talk about differences. What I’ve found over the years is that sometimes the frustrations we feel with our mates are not because our spouses are intentionally doing something to be selfish, ornery, or difficult. Instead, natural differences between us cause them to act in ways that simply do not correspond with our own expectations.

These can be:

  • men/women differences,
  • personality differences, or
  • differences in what makes us feel loved by our spouse.

So for the next few weeks, join me in this discussion. And if you have perspectives you’d like to add or questions you’d like to ask, I welcome them. Let’s discuss differences.

What are some of the good things you appreciate about differences between you and your spouse?

Read more about how to reconcile a broken marriage in my book, Fighting for Your Marriage while Separated., A Practical Guide for the Brokenhearted.

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When God Says “No”

May 15, 2019 by 15 Comments

When our world is rocked with crisis and we cry out to God, what do we do when the answer we seem to get from Him is not what we want to hear?  How do we respond when God says “no?”

Award winning author and speaker Janet McHenry has an answer for us, and I asked her to share with us her answers to this question. For in her new book, The Complete Guide to the Prayers of Jesus: What Jesus Prayed and How It Will Change Your Life Today, she tells us how the very prayers that Jesus prayed can teach us how to respond when we hear that disappointing “no.”

So I’m going to turn “Heart Talk” over to Janet today. If you leave a comment for Janet, I will enter your name in a drawing for her new book, The Complete Guide to the Prayers of Jesus, published by Bethany House.

When God Says “No”

by Janet McHenry

One of the toughest things to handle as a Christian is how to respond when God says “No.”

We know that every prayer for healing is not answered.

Every prayer to be saved from bankruptcy is not answered.

Every prayer to save a marriage is not answered.

So . . . what are we to believe about prayer in those contexts? And what are we to believe about God?

After all, didn’t God say in Jeremiah 33:3, “Call to me and I will answer you”?

In Psalm 37:4 God says, “Delight yourself in the Lord and he will give you the desires of your heart.”

And Jesus said, “I tell you the truth, my Father will give you whatever you ask in my name. Until now you have not asked for anything in my name. Ask and you will receive, and your joy will be complete” (John 16:23-24).

Yes, God answers all prayers in some way. Pastor and author Rick Warren has said, “God answers every single prayer. Now, he doesn’t answer them the way you’d like it every time, but it’s an answer. ‘No” is an answer. ‘Wait” is an answer. ‘Grow up’ is an answer. ‘In a little while’ is an answer. ‘In my way’ is an answer. God never leaves a prayer unanswered.”

So, okay, technically the answer was “no” . . . there was an answer, but how do we reconcile that no answer with the earlier scripture promises about fulfilling our heart’s desires and such? And then how do we as Christians respond?

Because I always turn to Jesus as my prayer mentor, I searched how he responded when the Father said “no” to him.

Jesus prayed what I called the two-sided coin prayer in one of my books many years ago: “Abba, Father, everything is possible for you. Take this cup from me. Yet not what I will, but what you will.”

On the one side of the coin: “Take this cup from me.”

On the other side of the coin: “Yet not what I will, but what you will.”

So, Jesus laid out his heart’s desire . . . and his Abba, his Father, said “no” . . . and Jesus headed to the Cross.

The next three of Jesus’s prayers, I believe, spell out how we can respond as Christians when we don’t see our prayers answered the way we’d like. These are the last three of Jesus’s ten prayers that we have—and all of them he said as he was hanging on the Cross.

Forgive 

The first of those three prayers is “Father, forgive them, for they do not know what they are doing” (Luke 23:34). So the first thing we can do is forgive.

Jesus was forgiving the soldiers who had nailed him to the Cross, but perhaps he also was forgiving Pontius Pilate and the Jewish officials and even Peter, who had denied him, and the rest of the disciples, who had vanished.

Years ago my rancher husband had seven cattle that died in a two-day blizzard. Six calves and an old bull had bedded down in a dry creek bed and gotten covered over. Despite those conditions, Craig was convicted of six felony animal abuse charges four years later. Because the judge refused to allow our key witness to testify—a UC Davis vet professor, the chief expert in the West on cattle—and refused to have a lot of important evidence admitted, we won a reversal in the California Court of Appeals, but we had a lot of forgiving to do. That case took six years out of our lives, as well as a lot of financial resources. But forgiveness isn’t about what we deserve; it’s kingdom work, and it’s what Jesus did, so we do it in obedience.

Lament 

The second thing we can do when God says “no” is lament. Lament means to cry out mournfully. And Jesus’s second prayer continues to give us insight about how to respond: “My God, my God, why have you forsaken me?” (Matt. 27:45-46).

Yes, go ahead and cry it out. God can take it. Not complain. But cry out in your pain.

This prayer above all others addresses the biggest, most-often asked question mankind has about God. WHY? Why does God allow suffering? Why must we fall into the hellholes of life? If God loves us so much, wouldn’t such a loving Father steer us around the intersections of pain? Couldn’t there be a better way?

Jesus used the word “forsaken.” He was deserted, dumped, abandoned . . . at least he humanly felt that way. But his being abandoned led to our being adopted. Just as an abandoned baby left at a church or a firehouse might be adopted by a young couple that had been praying for years, Jesus’ abandonment, led to our adoption.

It’s true that we might not always see the purpose in our suffering. We may never. Yes, life isn’t fair. And sometimes the WHY? question gets stuck in our hearts. It hurts. But we can control how we respond.  We can use our pain for others’ good, if we stop, look around, see others who are suffering in similar ways, and reach out to them to encourage and support them. We do not have to stay in that place of feeling forsaken. We can take practical steps to use our hurt to help others.

Submit  

In Jesus’s third prayer from the cross, we learn to submit. Scripture tells us “It was now about the sixth hour, and darkness came over the whole land until the ninth hour, for the sun stopped shining. And the curtain of the temple was torn in two. Jesus called out with a loud voice, ‘Father, into your hands I commit my spirit.’ And when he said this, he breathed his last” (Luke 23:44-46.

“Into your hands.” Wow, that could seem like a scary prayer, except that when we commit or submit ourselves to our heavenly Father fully, we are giving ourselves to the God who redeemed us, the One who adopted us, the one who loves us.

I know such relinquishment, because I saw this through my dad. Six months after he began noticing that he was having a hard time gripping a golf club anymore, he was diagnosed with amyotrophic lateral sclerosis—ALS—which destroys the nerve endings to the muscles until eventually the person cannot move, cannot breathe, cannot count on a heartbeat.

Although the doctors said he would have two to four years, he died five months after diagnosis. However, he not only showed other people how to live with faith; he showed others how to die with faith.

My dad had a quick wit, always turning a phrase and telling jokes. Even in his last hours he was still joking with those around him. The day before he passed away, he was still able to push the call button, so he called for the nurse, who came in and said, “Did you call me, Bob?”

He smiled and said, “Why would I call you Bob? Your name is Mary.”

You see, people, the world doesn’t need to see Christians living out their faith in prosperity and posting all the happy stuff on Facebook. They need to see us facing struggles with dignity, with faith, and with integrity. They need to see us thanking God despite our pain and struggles. They need to see us real and vulnerable, yes . . . but in a looking-up posture that shows that FAITH WORKS: that God is real in our lives, that he is worthy of our trust, and that it is our faith alone that sustains us in the Dark Night of the Soul.

Jesus’ prayers teach us how to respond when God says “no”: forgive, lament, and submit. But they show us something even more important: the ONE THING we need to remember about prayer. God himself is the bigger reason for prayer. He wants us to bring our needs before him. He wants us to offer praise and thanksgiving and confession, but even more than that, HE himself is the bigger reason for prayer. He wants us to develop our relationship with him, to be a bigger part of our daily, moment-by-moment life, drawing closer to him and learning more about his good character.

Prayer is not about finding pockets of time to say a few remote-controlled phrases. Prayer is about relationship—becoming closer to the One who created you and loves you, so that when God says “no,” you simply nod your head and know he still loves you, he is still in control, and he will walk you through the valley you’re in.

If you’d like a chance to receive a free copy of The Complete Guide to the Prayers of Jesus: What Jesus Prayed and How It will Change Your Life Today, please leave a comment below.

* * *

Janet McHenry is an award-winning speaker and the author of 24 books, including the best-selling PrayerWalk and her newest, The Complete Guide to the Prayers of Jesus: What Jesus Prayed and How It Will Change Your Life Today. You can see more about Janet, her speaking ministry, and her books at www.janetmchenry.com.

 

 

 

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MESSY GARDENS – MESSY LIVES

March 27, 2019 by 2 Comments

Feeling the need for a concentrated time of prayer one morning, I stepped onto the patio with Bible in hand and cozied myself into one of the lawn chairs. I felt unsettled.   Things were not going as I thought they should, and I felt my heart tugging in several directions.  The needs in my life seemed numerous and I longed for direction, but my prayers seemed to hang suspended without answers. How was my world fitting together?

As I reflected on my circumstances, I gazed about the wilderness of my yard.  It was wild and messy and reminded me of a scene from The Shack, a book I’d been reading in which the protagonist Mackenzie encounters God and works through some of the ironies of his faith.  In this particular scene, when Mackenzie walks into a garden with a character named Sarayu, who represents the Holy Spirit, Sarayu tells him about the significance of the garden’s messiness. “This garden is your soul,” Sarayu says to Mackenzie.  “This mess is you!”  

The messy garden was his soul?

Wow!

I related.  I felt that I was a mess right then—scrambled and unsure of myself.  Maybe this garden –my own yard—was a picture of my soul, pretty in spots, but unkempt and messy in others.  Certain bushes flowered; others waited for another season to bloom.  Fern and philodendron meandered about, overgrown and out of control.  Everywhere weeds, desperately needing extraction, wound through beds, spoiling what would otherwise be attractive

The words of Sarayu continued swirling through my head as he further unveiled to Mackenzie why they had spent the morning together digging in the garden, which was desperately confusing and messy and “a chaos of color,” but beautiful at the same time.

“Together you and I, we have been working with a purpose in your heart. And it is wild and beautiful and perfectly in process.  To you it seems like a mess, but I see a perfect pattern emerging and growing and alive.”

The memory of Sarayu’s words hit me with meaning. Was this similar to how I was?  My messy garden and my messy life, both in process?  Both wild and beautiful at the same time?  Could the messiness in my life actually be part of the beauty?

A Message Through the Ages

As I read my Bible that day and contemplated the truth I saw in my garden as it related to the scene from The Shack, I realized that this had been one of God’s messages throughout the ages.  When we allow God to work in our lives, He uses our strengths and weaknesses, pain and joy, failures and successes for His good purpose.  We are infinitely complex, and the Holy Spirit joyfully cultivates the beauty and messiness of our lives, scrambling it all together to form a perfect design that pulsates with new life as it emerges from the confusion of its surroundings.   Even the Bible surprises us with countless stories of people who followed God but had imperfect lives.

Take a look at Peter, Jesus’ disciple. He must have bitterly bemoaned his messy and capricious heart as he wept bitter tears after denying Jesus not once but three times and at the very moment his Lord was being condemned to death by the Pharisees.  How his heart must have withered when Jesus looked at him after that third denial.  The conviction that must have burned within his heart!  The self-doubt! The self-condemnation!  Peter had walked beside Jesus for three years, loved him, vowed never to leave him, but in Jesus’ greatest hour of need, he denied that he even knew him.

But Peter—like us—was in process.  He’d come from being a rough-speaking fisherman to a follower of Jesus who one moment was adamant in his unfailing love and the next embarrassed and afraid to be discovered as one of his followers.  After Jesus rose from the dead, Jesus plied Peter with questions to test his heart, then challenged him to take the keys of God’s kingdom to a lost world. Peter led the charge.  He became a leader among the apostles, suffering many times for his steadfast loyalty and courageous preaching about Jesus as the way to salvation.  God took his messy heart and turned him into the rock, the foundation for a growing church of believers.

Like Peter, I’m in process.  You’re in process.  God looks deep within us and sees the good as well as the messy and troublesome parts that with a little prodding can bloom into something beautiful—something He saw there at the beginning of time when He first thought to create us.  He has a future and a plan for us that will grow into reality when we allow Him to be the Gardener of our hearts.

“He who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus. . . . It is God who works in you to will and to act according to his good purpose.” Phil: 1:6 & 2:13

© Linda Rooks 2019

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When Christmas Loses It’s Sparkle

December 13, 2018 by 2 Comments

CHRISTMAS IS COMING SOON. Bright lights sparkle on houses in your neighborhood. Joyous refrains stream throughout department stores and across the airwaves. Everywhere you see Christmas trees, Santa Clauses, and signs that say Merry Christmas or Happy Holidays. But for some of you, the words Merry Christmas have a hollow ring to them this year. Your heart is heavy with the idea of how you will even “get through” Christmas, let alone make it merry. Things are different this year. And it’s hard.

The Christmas we’re used to is full of sparkle and laughter. It’s always been a time of fun and celebration. But when gloom hangs over our lives and questions about the future occupy our minds, we may actually find it easier to peer more closely into the reality of the Christmas we celebrate. For when we put aside the glamor of the holidays, we can travel back to how it really all began—before the sparkle, before the happy music, before the hustle and bustle of Christmas shopping.

There was hustle and bustle on that day, but not of people shopping; it was the descending of large numbers of people upon a small town, all trying to find the basic comforts of a place to stay and something to eat. We see a young woman, nine months pregnant riding a donkey. Can you imagine riding 80 miles on a donkey when you are nine months pregnant? And when she was ready to deliver her baby, who was the Son of the eternal God, she couldn’t even find a decent place to stay. Imagine having to deliver your baby in a smelly stable! And that is how God came to us – not in a convenient, clean, easy way, but through difficult circumstances. No warm, fine bed for Mary, the mother of God, no fragrant rooms, no support of family and friends who were far away and may have even questioned her virtue and the conception of this baby. No, God came to us in the midst of doubt, confusion, political unrest, and physical hardship. When God sent his Son to be born on this earth, he didn’t clear an easy path for him. He didn’t have a room waiting in Bethlehem. It was hard.

And, oftentimes, that is the way God still comes to us.  In the distractions of active lives, we are often too busy to notice God’s presence. We may have thought we had everything figured out ourselves – that we’d surely find a room in Bethlehem.  We never expected to have to stay in a smelly stable.  We still can’t figure out why things have turned out the way they have.

But, cradled on a bed of hay, in the middle of the odors and pain, we see a tiny baby, the gift of God’s love. It was the first time God was visible to mankind. And in the midst of the difficulties of your life, God has come to show you himself. It is sometimes only when these other things are stripped away that our eyes are fully opened and we see beyond the glitter into the glory where finally we see Christmas. Perhaps for the first time, the invisible God becomes visible in our eyes, and we see Jesus himself.

God has come to love you with a love you will not find anywhere else—not in a husband or wife, not a parent or a child or a friend. God’s love will not fail you. It is unconditional and everlasting. He will not always show you a clear, easy path to your destination. But He will be with you and guide you, and at just the right time, He may prompt the wife of an innkeeper to say, “I have a place for you. I have an answer. There’s a stable out back…”

His ways are not our ways. His thoughts are higher than ours. He has a plan that is beyond anything we can see. When we take hold of God, we move beyond the barriers of our finite understanding into the reaches of God’s eternal purposes. Eternity is within our grasp. We become a part of His story.

Two thousand years ago, Mary and Joseph didn’t hear the refrains of Silent Night as they gathered clean straw to make a bed for Mary to bear a child; they didn’t see the picturesque setting of a child being born in a manger as they settled down among the animals. It was hard.

But God came to them in the middle of these difficult circumstances, not just for them, but for us.  Jesus was born into our world and into our lives.  And this is the Christmas we celebrate…a Christmas born in hardship, but wrapped in holiness and love, extending through all the ages of the earth into the glories and wonders of eternity.

May God’s blessings shine through the midst of your circumstances this Christmas and give you a deep joy and peace that rises high above and beyond your understanding.

 

 

 

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Dear God I’m Desperate – Author Interview with Jeanne Le May

August 23, 2018 by Leave a Comment

DO YOU EVER WISH you could write a letter to God, telling Him your troubles, and then get a direct response back from Him with a specific answer to your particular concern? In Jeanne Le May’s new book, Dear God I’m Desperate–Women Have Issues, God Has Answers, Jeanne does just this. Each chapter begins with an honest and desperate letter to God, followed by an encouraging and scripturally based answer.

Today, I’m happy to be interviewing author Jeanne Le May to learn more about what readers can expect when reading her book.

Linda: What led you to write this book?

Jeanne:  My personal struggles in two broken marriages that ended in divorce prompted me to face the reality of my own desperation. Overusing prescription drugs to cope with my pain brought no relief.

Distraught and without hope, journaling became my heart’s constant cry to God. A pattern of communication developed, I’d pour out my raw emotions to God, and He would answer with loving kindness from His Word. No matter the circumstances, I could come to Him, and He would nurture, comfort and encourage my soul.

Soon, everywhere I turned, I observed other women also suffering with serious issues. I kept thinking God could help them, too—if only they would cry out to their loving Father. So I started writing letters to God on their behalf . . . and God answered.

Linda:  I love the idea of journaling. I found that so helpful too when I was separated from my husband. And journaling from God’s Word brings real answers. The subtitle of your book is Women Have Issues, God Has Answers. What are some examples of the issues you address in your book?

Jeanne: Dear God I’m Desperate includes difficult topics of universal interest to women that our culture and churches often tend to ignore for the sake of political correctness:

  • Divorce
  • Husbands addicted to pornography
  • Post-abortion heartache
  • Homosexuality
  • Depression
  • Abuse

This book creates a shame-free platform for discussion of all of our concerns—no issue is off limits.

Linda: What made you choose to use a letter format for the book?

Jeanne: The newspaper column Dear Abby provided inspiration—women wrote to her for decades seeking help. As Christians, however, our help comes from God Almighty, so why not write to Him and seek His Truth to guide us through our difficulties? He’s ready, willing, and able to help us when we humble ourselves before Him. He longs for us to admit that we’re struggling and trust Him with our relationships and circumstances. The letter format creates a personal connection with our heavenly Father.

Linda: How did you come up with the answers you give to each of these desperate cries for help?

Jeanne: That’s a great question, Linda. The answers are based on my 20 years of daily saturation in God’s Word. Every morning I pour my heart out to God about my concerns, questions, and heartaches and then search scriptures until the Holy Spirit reveals applicable truth. For the Dear God I’m Desperate letters, I identified problems other women face and used the same dialog process. James 1:5 outlines the principle on which these answers are based, “If you need wisdom, ask our generous God, and He will give it to you.”  I ask—confident that God will answer—and He provides wisdom.

Linda: I see that you’ve created a fictional setting called Hysteria Lane, the home of all the characters in your book. How did you come up with that idea?

Jeanne: The stars on the TV program “Desperate Housewives” lived on Wisteria Lane; I always chuckled to myself that, with all the drama in their lives, they should live on Hysteria Lane. As I wrote Dear God I’m Desperate, that idea resurfaced. In order to tie the women together in their hearts and minds, I developed a community of women who live on Hysteria Lane.

Imagine four friends who live on Hysteria Lane gathering for coffee. Julie shares her tears as she recounts her devastating day in divorce court (Zach’s Final Lie). Danielle, recently widowed, explains her struggle with depression at the death of her lifelong husband (Withered Heart). Laurie reports her relief in ending chemotherapy and her further distress at the toll the treatments have taken on her depleted body, soul, and spirit (The Red Cocktail). Christina dares to admit her sorrow over the abortion of her precious Amy on the day that would have been her sixteenth birthday (Sweet Sixteen and Never Been Kissed.) Women sharing their hearts deepens their love and caring for one another. In their willingness to be vulnerable, the women find encouragement and hope as their friendships strengthen.

In Dear God I’m Desperate, God reveals His trustworthy promises to calm and heal their hearts.

Linda: Who will benefit from reading your book?

Jeanne: This book is intended for women struggling with everyday issues.

Women alone.

Women faced with shattered marriages.

Women plagued with depression.

Women distressed with doubts, confusion, and fears.

Women stunned by bad news.

Women overwhelmed with guilt.

Women brokenhearted by children.

Women abused.

One of my readers said in her review on Amazon, “This book is a very honest, straightforward description of real world problems faced by women of all walks of life. One may not identify with every issue, but you will find yourself in its pages. Not only will this book guide you to God’s word, it will provide the much needed comfort you seek when struggling with life today. It is both confident and tender in its guidance.”

Linda: In your book you refer to the concept of “Divine Exchange.” What do you mean by that?

Jeanne: “Divine Exchange” refers to a spiritual transaction that changes our lives.  When we bring our troubles to our Creator, He unburdens our hearts. For example, He exchanges despair for hope and replaces worry with peace. Faith in Him casts out fear. Dignity as daughters of the King displaces shame.

Linda: What do you hope women glean by reading your book?

Jeanne: Linda, it’s my desire that women develop intimacy with God our Father. In the book, after each chapter, space has been provided for readers to write their own heart’s cry to God. Then, scriptures may be applied to their personal issues. This format provides a model for their ongoing conversations with God where they can find hope, encouragement, and validation as God’s precious daughters and know they are not alone in their struggles.

Linda: What are your future goals?

Jeanne: I believe God has provided this book as a way for Him to allow me to speak to women’s hearts. Writing for me provides ministry for desperate women. Much of my time is also spent in speaking engagements. My closet contains 80 journals filled with personal dialogs with God. So however I can serve whether through writing or speaking, that’s what I want to do.

Linda: Where can readers find your book and learn more about you?

Jeanne: The book is available online at Amazon, Barnes & Noble & other booksellers.  Readers can visit my website, blog and Facebook page: jeannelemay@mac.com.  On September 14, 2018, I will be speaking in Daytona Beach, FL at the JOY conference sponsored by Glorious Living Ministries. The conference is free as is God’s love. For details, go to: glorious living.net, which also contains my bio.

 

 

 

 

 

 

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Guest Post from Kathy Collard Miller, author of Pure-Hearted: The Blessings of Living Out God’s Glory

January 17, 2018 by 10 Comments

Who holds your heart? God or your spouse? Kathy Collard Miller shares a story with honesty and vulnerability about how she learned the hard way that depending on our spouses to take care of our hearts brings inevitable hurt. She learned, as I have as well, that only God is capable of meeting all our needs.

Kathy is the author of over 50 books including her new one, Pure-Hearted: The Blessings of Living Out God’s Glory, from which this blog is adapted.

Resist Hurt Feelings in Your Marriage

by Kathy Collard Miller

I have a long history of being easily offended—especially in my marriage.

When my husband, Larry, wouldn’t immediately respond to what I believed was important, I felt justified to react with criticism, anger, and manipulation.

If he seemed to indicate I was imperfect, incapable, or unloving, I felt hurt and told myself he never did anything right either. I didn’t recognize I was giving the key to my heart’s contentment and peace to him when only God could provide what I longed for.

Now, I know I can bring glory to God by seeing the truth: being offended blocks my ability to see any of Larry’s motives to protect himself. His comments say less about me than it does his own emotional wounds and needs.

How It Began

I thought I married my Prince Charming. He seemed so committed to being what I wanted while we dated. His confidence and fast decision making skills made me feel secure when I was with him.

But then the real life of marriage set in. What I believed were his wonderful qualities while we were dating, soon became sources of feeling unloved and uncared for. I’d felt unloved in my childhood and without realizing it, I was trying to avoid feeling that way again. His confident decision-making seemed to ignore my opinions.

After seven years of marriage, when Larry and I were at odds with each other, I was furious at him for not meeting my needs. I believed his lack of care communicated I was unimportant. Of all people, he was supposed to be the one telling me I was important.

I felt trapped and uncared for and resorted to anger to defend myself, thinking I was justified in feeling hurt and offended.

What I didn’t realize was my “offense” blocked me from seeing his needs. I could only focus on my needs. I thought if I stopped being angry, I would be exposed to more rejection. I didn’t look to God to be my defender and refuge. And of course, I had no thought of God’s glory. As a result I wasn’t loving my husband well.

In turn, my anger gave Larry the impression he could never satisfy me and that he was a failure as a husband. To protect himself from feeling weak and powerless, he not only resisted but actively avoided interaction with me. He chose to work as a cop and a real estate agent, which kept him away. Plus, he flew planes as a hobby. If he happened to be home, I complained and pointed out all the ways he wasn’t being “good” to me.

Hitting the Wall

One morning Larry announced he was flying north to San Jose for the day. Although I begged to go with him, he countered my reasoning with deftness. I again felt belittled, like I was a little girl who could be easily ignored.

Larry walked away down the hall and then through the laundry room into the garage, closing the door behind him. I was eating an apple and before I realized it, I hurled the half eaten apple toward the closing door. The apple shattered on impact and red and white apple pieces flew throughout the laundry room adhering to the ceiling and the walls.

I whirled around and marched into my bedroom, dropping to kneel beside my bed. “Lord, make his plane crash! I don’t care if he ever comes home again.”

During the following many months, the pieces of apple remained adhered to the walls and ceiling of my laundry room and then began rotting. I saw them as a memorial to the rotten marriage I believed God could not or would not change. I felt there was no hope.

One day while doing housework, however, I sensed God say to me in my heart, “Tell Larry you love him.” I was shocked to hear God’s prodding. I didn’t love Larry and I believed he hated me. I reasoned that if he heard those three little words, “I love you,” that I hadn’t said or thought for over two years, he might think I was approving of his negligence. I flatly refused.

God persistently repeated the message and I adamantly refused again! Then I sensed the Holy Spirit giving a different message: “Then think it the next time you see Larry.

OK, If he doesn’t hear me then he can’t use it against me. Then I’ll do it, even if it’s not true.

That evening, Larry returned from a flying trip and as he walked down the hall toward me, I stared at him, gulped, and thought, “I love you…” and then after a pause, I added, “but I don’t really.” Although I was obeying God, I still couldn’t believe it was true.

But by making that choice to love Larry and as I continued to make loving choices, more loving feelings took over. I also recognized I’d been holding Larry responsible for my happiness. Larry couldn’t meet all my needs—only God could. My perspective was corrected when I realized my motive had been to not feel uncared for and to force him to be what I needed. But I couldn’t change Larry, I could only change myself as I surrendered to God.

That day I went into the laundry room and washed off those rotting apple pieces. I no longer needed a memorial to my rotten marriage.

In time, Larry noticed I wasn’t as angry and demanding of him and agreed to go on a couples retreat with me, which God used as a turning point in our marriage. God graciously healed us, slowly but powerfully. That was in 1978 and soon we’ll celebrate our 48th anniversary. We are best friends and tell each other several times a day how much we love each other.

For a long time, we didn’t fully understand our motives. Purifying our heart’s motives has become a very essential contribution to the happiness of our marriage.

Something to Think About

Have you considered your husband or wife’s motives to protect himself or herself? Have you considered their hurting heart? You are not responsible for their reactions, but you are responsible before God to love them well by seeing them through God’s eyes of love. Then your love will honor God.

The next time you are tempted to be selfish, ask God to reveal if feeling offended or blaming others is involved. If so, you may be trying to avoid taking responsibility for your own choices.

By Kathy Collard Miller

Kathy is making a copy of Pure-Hearted available to the winner of a book drawing. To win, enter by making a comment below . The winner will be drawn on January 24 (US addresses only can win.)

Kathy Collard Miller is an award-winning author of over 50 books that include Christian living topics, women’s Bible studies, and Bible commentaries. She is a speaker who has shared in 8 foreign countries and over 30 US states. Kathy and Larry have been married for 47 years and are the parents of 2 and grandparents of 2. They live in Southern California and often write and speak together. Visit her at www.KathyCollardMiller.com.

Pure-Hearted: The Blessings of Living Out God’s Glory is available at: http://amzn.to/2jzYdWi

 

 

 

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A Bigger Plan for Paul

July 26, 2016 by 2 Comments

arched doorwayWhen Paul, the apostle, was imprisoned in Rome I can imagine the disappointment and confusion he must have felt. Why would God let him languish in prison when the world needed to hear the good news about Jesus?

Paul’s desire was to travel around the known world, evangelizing everyone within the sound of his voice, spreading the good news of Jesus Christ.  But instead, he was sent to prison, where very few were within the sound of his voice, and all he could do was . . .

. . . write letters!

His ambition, his dream, his goal, and I’m sure his prayer was to travel to different cities in the known world so He could bring people to Christ. These were good goals. They were meant to honor and glorify God. And yet God prevented him from doing so.

Why was this?

Because God had an even bigger plan for Paul.  God wanted him to write letters to the churches, whose influence and power would extend far beyond the times in which he lived. The epistles he wrote would become the foundation for the scripture of the New Testament so later generations would reap the benefit of his wisdom and anointing.  If Paul had had his way, only one generation would have benefited from his insights and revelations. His words would have been short-lived, only reaching the ears of whomever he encountered physically.

Instead, God had a bigger plan for you and me to hear his words, so they could produce eternal, lasting fruit for centuries to come.  When God denied Paul the answer to his prayer, God was thinking of us—you and me. Although Paul would never have been able to comprehend it, God’s plan was way larger than Paul’s. His plan was perfect.

God knew what He was doing. He did then, and He does now. He always does.

We nod our heads today and look back to see this clearly in the life of Paul, but can we see it in our own lives as well?  When things don’t go the way we’d like, when our prayers aren’t answered in the way that seems logical for us, how do we react?  Do we still see God at work in our lives? Do we still acknowledge that God is a big God with plans that are above our own? Or do we fuss and complain that our prayers have gone unanswered?

I have to confess that I am writing this for myself. I am most guilty of second-guessing God.  When I write something that glorifies God, but it doesn’t get published, I ask, “Why God?”  But I fail to realize that the God I want to glorify is a God beyond my limited understanding. His ways are higher than mine. His purposes are beyond anything I can presently comprehend.

And so I need to surrender.  I need to be still and let God be God. I need to rest in His arms a little longer and let Him guide me onto the perfect path where my desires are subservient to His glory. Where His love and grace stir my heart and fuel my passion into walking wherever He leads. Maybe down known paths, maybe unknown, but perfect because they lead to His throne and His glory to fulfill His purpose.

Perhaps you, like me, need to surrender your desires, your ambitions, and your dreams to God so He can fulfill the bigger plans He has for your life, plans which are far beyond our own imaginations, plans that bring blessing to us and others in ways that only a creative God can bring about, plans that have glorious and eternal results for His glory and His kingdom.

If you want to see His bigger plans unfold in your life, please pray with me as I lift these things to God:

Everything I have is yours, God. You know how my small offerings can fit into your bigger plan, and I give them to you. Let my prayers become a sweet smelling aroma to you as you transform my desires into manna for your perfect purposes and your everlasting glory. Amen.

 

“I know the plans I have for you . . .plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.” Jeremiah 29:11

“For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways,” declares the Lord.  “As the heavens are higher than the earth,     so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts.” Isaiah 55: 8-9

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