More about Unwrapping the New You

March 15, 2021 by Leave a Comment

Photo by Niclas Gustafsson

A TIME OF WAITING, a time of uncertainty causes us to look for new answers to life.  Part of that is to discover more about who we are and who we want to be.

Some of that self-discovery is inward as we look to God to help us make changes. But some of it might take an outward focus too as we navigate through relationship challenges.

If you are reading my book, Fighting for Your Marriage while Separated, the chapter “Unwrapping the New You” holds some important truths about experiencing the joy of becoming the person God created you to be. In this post, I want to add additional strategies for those of you fighting for your marriage as you go through this period of change. God created us as physical beings, and along with the deeper changes we are making, there are practical ones as well that can contribute to finding victory at the other end of this journey.

Changing Things Up 

We humans seem to be wired to enjoy change every now and then. We go along with things a certain way and then want to spice things up. That can apply to our marriages too, particularly a marriage that has gone stale or veered off course into brokenness or crisis. Doing something new for our marriage relationships can add a little pizzazz, and during a separation it might get a drifting mate’s attention.

So in addition to allowing God to make changes in your character, attitude and actions, you might also consider making some practical changes that stretches who you are. Your purpose is to become the fullest, most vibrant version of who God created you to be. Don’t make the mistake of trying to become who your spouse wants you to be. That’s not you. You want to become the person God wants you to be. You are a unique person, created by God to be His special child. Fulfilling His most complete vision of you is a tribute and honor to Him as well as a gratifying achievement for you. During this time of waiting, while you are exploring God’s heart and purpose for you, it’s your opportunity to spread your wings to mount up like eagles to discover more of God’s purpose in who you are individually as you seek to become the new you.

In doing this, you might want to try taking some fresh new approaches not typical of you, something unexpected. Think outside the box. Expand your interests and try new things. Read some interesting new books or take a course at the university. Consider taking up a new hobby, getting an interesting new job, or venturing out in a bold new direction. The interesting side effect can be that your spouse may take a second look. You might even consider taking a trip to a destination that causes your spouse to sit up and take notice. “You’re going there?  Hmmm, interesting.”

Fighting for your marriage during a separation encompasses every aspect of life on every level. We are fighting Satan who comes to “kill, steal and destroy.” His tactics are numerous, and he takes advantage of every loophole he can find. So as a marriage warrior you need to be vigilant; you need to be wise . . .  and you need to be creative. When Jesus sent his disciples out into the world, He said He was sending them out “as sheep among wolves,” and He instructed them to be “shrewd as snakes and innocent as doves” (Matt: 10:16 NIV).  We take instruction from this as well.

When we are following God and fighting a battle in enemy territory, we too are as “sheep among wolves.”  We need discernment and we need to allow God to lead us creatively as we tiptoe through the minefields of separation.

In her book, The Divorce Remedy Michelle Weiner Davis reminds her readers, “You are competing with your spouse’s fantasy of an ideal life without problems, or perhaps even a real-life affair.” So as a marriage warrior, your goal is to win your spouse’s heart away from Satan’s snares and give him or her a loving and alluring dose of God’s very best.

Practical Upgrades for the New You

When we dig down into some Old Testament stories, we can glean wonderful tidbits of practical wisdom.

In the story of Ruth, Naomi wanted her daughter-in-law to win over her relative Boaz, who had been kind to her, so he would marry her and take care of her. When she gave Ruth some personal advice about making herself attractive, Ruth listened to her mother-in-law’s recommendations. “Now do as I tell you,” Naomi said, “take a bath and put on perfume and dress in your nicest clothes. Then go to the threshing floor, but don’t let Boaz see you until he has finished eating and drinking” (Ruth 3:3 NLT).

As a woman of faith, Naomi was confident her advice to her daughter-in-law was consistent with God’s plan. Encouraging Ruth to make herself more attractive was not intended to manipulate but arouse Boaz’s affection. As a result of Ruth following Naomi’s instructions, Boaz not only married Ruth, but their child became the grandfather of David and was directly in the lineage of Jesus.

In the book of Esther, when Esther wanted to save her people, she did not immediately go to her husband the king and ask for what she wanted. First, she made herself attractive to him, she made him a banquet, and she made him wonder. Even during the first banquet, instead of letting him know what she wanted, she invited him to another feast before revealing what was on her heart. She aroused his curiosity and made him more interested.

Lessons from Ruth and Esther

What lessons can we learn from Ruth and Esther?

Make yourself attractive. Both Ruth and Esther made an extra effort to fix themselves up. For women, you might want to refresh the way you fix your hair, get a stylish new outfit or two, or lose a little weight.  And for men, here’s a news flash. Women like men to look attractive too. So think about your weight as well and wear a nice shirt and neatly pressed pants when you are planning to see your wife.

  • Do we sometimes overlook the importance of the sense of smell? The first thing Naomi said to Ruth is, “Take a bath.” Make sure you bathe regularly, wear clean, fresh smelling clothes, and keep your breath sweet.
  • Be honest with yourself. Look in the mirror. Do you need to shed a few pounds? If so, start a healthy weight loss plan like Weight Watchers instead of a fad diet that merely puts you on a yo-yo cycle of losing/gaining weight.
  • Have you let yourself go over the years? Would a new hair style help? Scan some fashion magazines or talk to a hair stylist to get some ideas.
  • If you’re a woman, you might want to get a facial and freshen up your makeup. If you’re a man, maybe shape up your beard.
  • Think about the style and color of your clothes. Choose outfits that are appropriate for your body type and age. Select colors that complement your skin tone and hair color and bring out the color of your eyes.
  1. Be less predictable and less available. By holding off in telling him what she wanted, Esther aroused the king’s curiosity.  She awakened his interest and kept him coming back for more to see what she was up to.

Because you’re trying to win back your spouse’s heart, you may find yourself becoming co-dependent, trying to please him or her at every turn by doing what they want, when they want it, and how they want it. Instead, let God guide you in your reactions and decisions regarding your spouse. Like Esther, you may want to add variety to your responses and not be too predictable. Be the unique person that you are. And if you’re not sure what that means, let God guide you through His Word as He allows you to unwrap your uniqueness and individuality through your discovery of the gifts He has placed in your heart and hands.

God knows you inside and out.   “Psalm 139: 13 and 16 says, “You created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother’s womb. . . All the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be.” The God who created you, loves you and wants you to be the best YOU you can be, and He knows just how to do it. When you ask Him for wisdom about how to become the new you He has wanted you to be from the beginning, He will show you.

To read more about how to unwrap the new you, my book, Fighting for Your Marriage while Separated, will help you look at yourself in new ways so at the end of this journey you can be proud of the person you have become whether or not your marriage is reconciled.

Share
Filed Under: Divorce, Feeling unworthy, Hope, How to win, marriage, Marriage problems, New Directions, Reconciliation, Uncategorized, weight problems Tagged With: , , , , , , , , ,

Change Me First, Then Heal My Marriage

March 4, 2021 by 3 Comments

EACH YEAR DURING OUR CRISIS MARRIAGE CLASSES, participants from former years come to share their stories. One year, after we had dismissed to our small groups, I asked the women what they wanted to see happen in the coming weeks of class. One woman said, “I’ve seen all these couples come and tell us how their marriages have been restored, and one thing every one of them has said is that God changed them first, and then He healed their marriage. So I want to see how God wants to change me.”

Her perceptive comment impressed me greatly. And in the following weeks, I saw her listen to every word, ponder every idea, question what she didn’t understand, and own her mistakes as God opened her eyes to see them. Throughout our time together, she readily allowed God to make changes in her. Although her husband had initially said he wanted a divorce and had no interest in reconciling, a year later he decided to come to the class also, and their marriage was restored.

Change? What Me?

When crisis tears a marriage apart, something in the marriage is broken, and change is needed. Most people agree, but believe the change needs to happen in THE OTHER PERSON. And once they realize they can’t control or change their spouse, they believe the situation is hopeless.

But there is one person you do have control over. There is one person you can change. And that is YOU. Instead of focusing on your spouse’s faults and their contributions to the problems in your marriage, focus on your own.

Often we have blind spots when it comes to our own deficiencies, and we just don’t see them.  They are hidden from our eyes, buried beneath our personal assumptions, generational patterns of behavior, personal pride, and accumulated life experiences.  Scripture addresses this truth in Luke 6:42.

“how can you say to your brother, ‘Brother, let me remove the speck that is in your eye,’ when you yourself DO NOT SEE the plank that is in your own eye? . . . First remove the plank from your own eye, and THEN YOU WILL SEE CLEARLY to remove the speck that is in your brother’s eye.” (Emphasis added.)

How Do We Start?

So it all begins with you and your heavenly Father as you trust him to show you the truths about yourself. If you are willing to let God take you down a path of change, you may be surprised at the revelations He will show you on your journey. As you peer into the mirror of God’s Word with a humble spirit, one by one you may begin to see shortcomings in your own life that need change. These may include projected assumptions from past wounds that still need healing, negative approaches in your communication, reactions you have that demonstrate unhealthy attitudes, or ingrained outlooks or mindsets that are contrary to what pleases God.

By spending time in prayer, reading the Bible, listening to Christian radio and podcasts, reading Christian books and articles, and talking with Christian friends, the Lord can reveal to you your part in the marital breakdown and help you make changes that may eventually restore your relationship.

One thing to keep in mind, however, is that your intention is not to modify your behavior just to please your spouse, but to transform yourself into the person God created you to be.

God has plans for you. His desire is to draw you ever closer to Himself and grow you into a new and stronger person. You are His precious child, and a marital crisis may be the vehicle He uses to refine you into the person He first envisioned you to be.

“Do not conform any longer to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God’s will is—his good, pleasing and perfect will” (Romans 12:12).

To learn more about some of the changes you can make that will impact your marriage and potentially turn your marriage around, you can find help for a troubled marriage in my book, Fighting for Your Marriage while Separated.

 

Share
Filed Under: God's Word, Hope, Marital separation, marriage, Marriage problems, Reconciliation, Time with God, Trusting God Tagged With: , , , , , , ,

Unfaithful: Hope & Healing after Infidelity – Interview with Co-Author, Mona Shriver

February 24, 2021 by Leave a Comment

WHEN INFIDELITY INVADES the sacred protection of marriage, shock waves strike at the very foundation of the relationship. The revelation brings unbelievable pain, and many marriages don’t survive. But they can. There is hope. According to Mona and Gary Shriver, authors of Unfaithful: Hope & Healing after Infidelity, a marriage can heal from the trauma of infidelity and eventually thrive once again.

For them, this isn’t just a theory. It’s personal. They have lived both the devastation and the recovery. And Mona is here to share from her heart what she learned from this experience and what she can now pass onto others about the hope and healing that is possible. Their story and their book, Unfaithful, is one I regularly recommend to those in our classes, and I am so pleased to be able to introduce her to you today.

Linda: Mona, I know your book, Unfaithful: Hope & Healing after Infidelity, is based on your personal story, and that you and your husband went through adultery in your own marriage. What led you to share such a deeply personal journey?

Mona: I was absolutely blind sighted by Gary’s admission of being unfaithful. I never, ever thought this could happen to us. Never thought Gary would be capable of such a thing.

Gary and I had been married twenty years. Happily, I thought. We had three active boys between the ages of seven and fourteen. Life was busy. We were Christians. We were best friends. The revelation of his adultery made me question everything I thought I knew, including myself. Gary wanted to save our marriage and I knew that was in line with God’s word. But frankly, I didn’t believe for one minute that we could heal. I knew our marriage was over, but I also knew I had to “try” so that when we did divorce, I could say we tried.

What I learned, what we learned, during that process was the reason we wrote Unfaithful. I learned that you can rebuild, or even build anew, a marriage with love, trust, intimacy and respect after infidelity. What we call a healthy marriage. It can be done. God can do it if you’ll both follow Him in the rebuilding. It was the hardest thing either of us has ever done but we are so glad we did.

Most people don’t believe that. That’s because all we normally see are marriages that didn’t heal. We had been told couples healed but when I asked to speak with someone who had done it, no one could be found. Later our counselor asked us to be that couple for someone else.

That’s how Hope & Healing Ministries began. The four of us met for a while, then began working alongside couples in our support groups. As we watched what God was doing for these marriages, the book just had to be written so others could hear the same words of hope.

Linda: You said marriages can heal from infidelity. People can heal. Tell my readers how that can actually happen. What does it take?   

Mona: We tell couples only two things are required to start the healing process. First is a willingness to try. Both of you willing to work together to try and heal. This doesn’t mean you really believe you can do it. I didn’t. You may not know how you feel about the person you’re married to right now. Very understandable. It just means you’ll try.

That meant I would first commit to God. Sitting at God’s feet, seeking His guidance, being willing to do things His way.

The bottom line was that it wasn’t about what I had done or hadn’t done—blame. It wasn’t about trying to control my spouse or making sure our efforts were “even.” It wasn’t about making anybody happy. And it wasn’t about single handedly saving a marriage or manipulating healing. It was about being the person God created me to be whether I remained married or became single. It was about doing my part and not settling for anything less than real healing.

The second requirement is transparent honesty. Answering questions honestly. Expressing what you think and feel as best you can with as much kindness and respect as possible. This is not the time to acquiesce without input. Honesty sets the foundation for healing, and without it, the work you think you’ve done will crumble when the dishonesty is exposed. And everything counts right now. This is hard stuff, and sometimes you have the opportunity to apologize for how you communicated a truth. But as you continue to work together, you can learn how to better communicate. This is where support and a good Christian counselor can help you with new and better tools. We sure didn’t know what to do or how to do it. Some of us need to speak up more. Some of us need to be quiet more. Both of us need to listen. And treat each other with respect, not because they “deserve it” but because God asked us to treat all people with respect.

Linda: Someone might say, “I’m not sure I want to save this marriage.” Now what?

Mona: The revelation of adultery is comparable to the sudden death of someone you love. It is a trauma and it is that big. It overwhelms your ability to adapt. There are physiological changes in your brain that effect how you process information. You’re a mess—emotionally, physically, and spiritually. That means this is not the best time to make major life changing decisions.

So what do you do? Focus on healing. Even if you separate, the healing is still the focus. There is a wound and it’s huge. It needs to heal. And if your spouse is willing to work through that healing process with you, then that can make your healing a bit easier.

If you have children, this person will continue to be a part of your life whether or not the marriage heals. Your children have two parents and no amount of anger or bitterness will change that. In fact, those most hurt by unhealed wounds are the children. So go ahead and invest the time and effort towards healing. Your kids are worth it.

You can focus on healing because you really have nothing more to lose. Your life is already in chaos. The truth is that the quickest way out of this pain and to feeling good about life again is to heal. There is a third choice beside giving up (divorce) and giving in (staying in a miserable relationship) and that is to heal. As the healing progresses you will be better prepared to consider those life changing decisions.

Linda: How long does it take to heal from infidelity? 

Mona: The truly honest answer is that it takes as long as it takes. It takes until both of you agree the healing is complete.

So what does a healed marriage look like? How do you know when it’s done? As you work through the process, gain some understanding, grieve that which was lost, and resurrect that which is necessary, the acute pain goes away. You will never forget—that is impossible. But it will not dominate your thoughts or control your life like it does in the beginning. It will become a sad memory. But we all live with sad memories in our lives—that doesn’t mean we quit living.

Healing is complete when both of you feel you can approach your spouse with anything. Now that doesn’t mean all your talks are fun—we are still human beings after all. The point is to listen to each other and treat each other with respect and kindness even if we don’t agree so we can reach decisions with which we can both live.

The realization that we were fully healed came in retrospect. It happened so slowly I missed the moment. That was okay.

Linda: What else can help couples heal from adultery? 

Mona: Educate yourself on this process of healing. Unfortunately, not all therapists and pastors agree on the best way to heal from adultery. That can not only be confusing it can make it more difficult. We have several recommendations on our website at Hope & Healing Ministries. hopeandhealingministries.us

We also have a free resource available that might be a good place to start. The Crisis Support Booklet offers ten foundational truths in bite-sized pieces about adultery recovery with encouragement from others who have walked this path. Go to the website, click “Couples Support”, click “Infidelity Recovery” and scroll down to “Crisis Support Booklet.” Each person will benefit from having their own copy.

Linda: Is there anything else you’d like to share with our readers? 

Mona: There is so much more I wish I could share. So many have questions on forgiveness, trust and so much more. Unfortunately not all can be addressed here. But you can find answers that will aid your journey to healing.

Oswald Chambers says this. “It is not true to say that God wants to teach us something in our trials. Through every cloud He brings our way, He wants us to unlearn something”. I found this so true in the journey of our healing. I had some “unlearning” to do.

This healing journey is not easy but it is so worth it. Gary nor I are the same people we were before we went through the healing process to rebuild our marriage. And quite frankly, we’re glad. We like ourselves and each other a whole lot more.

You don’t have to go through this alone. There are resources out there to help you. We encourage you to seek and access the resources you need. May the Lord give you the wisdom and the strength to complete the journey.

Linda: Speaking of resources, how can your book Unfaithful help couples who decide they want to try to work through the healing after infidelity takes place in their marriage?

Mona: Our book, Unfaithful: Hope and Healing after Infidelity is written from the perspective of a couple who has been through adultery recovery. By switching back and forth between the perspective of the betrayer and the one betrayed, the book helps couples better understand each other’s experience as they move through the process of healing.

This book conveys some common elements of the healing process along with Biblical principles to help guide readers through recovery. There is also a section on emotional affairs. When the book was revised we were able to add a lot of what we’d learned from the experts and from the hundreds of couples we’ve been privileged to walk alongside. And at the end of each chapter we’ve included discussion questions that can be a great way to begin addressing the issues couples face as they work through their recovery.

Linda: I know in the past you’ve also had marriage intensives for couples after infidelity. Please tell us about them and what you’re doing currently.

Mona: We will always talk with and support couples as long as we’re breathing so we’re not quitting ministry, but we are making changes to the method in which we deliver it. We did Weekend Intensives from 2010 through 2019 and had basically decided to cease offering those when COVID hit. So we’re spending this time making videos of what we consider to be our most important sessions from those weekends. They are filmed and currently being edited so should be available within a few months. Gary just happens to be a professional audio video engineer so he’s just beginning the editing portion of this project. These will also be available on YouTube. We’ll be notifying those on our email list when they’re ready.

Linda: How can people find out more about you, your book Unfaithful, and your ministry?

Mona: People can reach out to us by going to our website, http://hopeandhealing.us.

Share
Filed Under: Adultery, BOOKS, Divorce, forgiveness, Hope, Infidelity, Interviews, marriage, Marriage problems, Reconciliation, Uncategorized Tagged With: , , , , , , , , , , ,

The Challenge of Letting Go

February 17, 2021 by Leave a Comment

Photo by Zac Durant

RESTORING A BROKEN MARRIAGE RELATIONSHIP encompasses a number of steps and heart changes along the way. But as I’ve walked beside people over the years, the most important one that takes place in an individual’s heart prior to the marriage actually being restored is when the one fighting for the marriage is able to truly let go and give it to God.

It’s hard to do though, and it’s not easy to understand.

I talk about it a lot, and as I think about it today, I remember a conversation I had years ago at a get-together with some women who were struggling through marital separation. One of the women whose marriage had already made tremendous progress toward healing, began talking about the importance of “letting go.”

The young woman beside me knit her brow with a perplexed expression and frowned. “I get right to the point of being able to let go,” she said, pinching her fingers together as though about to drop something, “and then . . . I just can’t do it.”

The woman next to her nodded. “That’s right. Me too. That’s how I am.”

An Image from The Lord of the Rings

My husband Marv and I had recently watched all three DVD’s of The Lord of the Rings movie, and as my friend spoke, my mind immediately conjured up the image of Frodo standing on the cliff at the end of the movie. He holds his hand over the edge of the precipice with the ring dangling at the end of the chain. Beneath, is the raging fire which has been his destination all through the movie. It is the one place where he can release the ring, see it destroyed, and with it destroy the evil that is taking over Middle Earth. All he has to do is release the ring and freedom can reign once again.

“That reminds me of the ending of The Lord of the Rings,” I said. “All through the movie Frodo has been besieged by the evil that the ring has brought to Middle Earth. He has witnessed again and again the destructive power of the ring and how it corrupts those who lust over it.  He’s seen the damage, the death, the devastation that it causes. And with amazing strength of character, he has persevered through all of that. He’s survived the struggle, the hardship, the temptation. He’s been willing to traverse the darkest lands and oppressive terrains and he’s endured the threats of horrendous creatures in order to get to the mountain where he can destroy the evil.  But when he gets to the very end, when he’s finally there, he stands at the edge of the cliff, dangling the ring at the end of the chain. He stares at it, but can’t let go.

Sam yells to him, “Let it GO! Just let GO!”

But he can’t.

The seductive power of the ring has taken hold.”

The Trouble with Surrendering and Letting Go

As we continued to talk that evening about the challenge of letting go, I shared with my friends how The Lord of the Rings presents a perfect visual image of the struggle we have with surrendering everything to God.

Like Frodo, we don’t want to lose control. The ring of power holds us captive. Even though it means our fleshly nature will reign instead of God’s will, we can’t put it all in God’s hands. The desire to be in control holds sway over us—especially when we’re afraid that if we let go, God might not do what we want Him to do.

How many times have I seen or heard from a woman or man whose greatest desire is to reunite with their spouse? They’ve gone through the anguish, they’ve suffered hardship to get things to change. But they are unable to surrender to God to let Him take care of it. We want to do it by ourselves, even though our own methods have already failed. We somehow think if we think about it enough, talk about it enough, remind our spouse enough times, things will somehow change. We’re locked in a pattern where we keep repeating the same actions. We’re traveling in circles, or worse, we’re pushing our spouse further away. We’re afraid if we put it in God’s hands, He’ll do something we won’t like. The fear of losing control, the desire to do it our own way keeps us in bondage. We can’t let go.

But God, who created us, who created our world, who is omnipotent and sees everything . . . understands what is happening; He has answers we don’t have. He knows our spouse inside and out, just like he also knows us. He can “work all things together for good to those who love Him and are called according to His purpose*” if we can surrender it all to Him and let go of having to control it ourselves.

First, however, we have to summon the inner strength to follow through so we can let go and trust Him. He is the Good that will banish evil. He is the Light that will shine in the darkness. He is the Word of God who will enlighten our understanding and point us in the right direction.

So as we stand on that precipice, holding that ring of power, we have to have the will, the faith, the strength to let it go.

Proverbs 3:5-6 tells us to, “Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make your paths straight.”

Seek first the kingdom of God and his righteousness and all these things will be added unto you (Mathew 6:33).

*(Rom. 8:28)

If your marriage is in trouble and you need to know how to fight for it, letting go is an important part of experiencing the victory. My books, Broken Heart on Hold and Fighting for Your Marriage while Separated can show you the path through the labyrinth of confusion so you can find the hope God has for you.

Nest week: Perhaps the hardest issue of all–infidelity.

Share
Filed Under: Divorce, faith, Hope, How to win, Letting go, Love, Marital separation, marriage, Marriage problems, Reconciliation, Surrendering to God, Trusting God, Trying to understand Tagged With: , , , , , , , ,

Women, Do You Know How to Fight for and Save Your Marriage?

February 10, 2021 by Leave a Comment

Photo by Kristina V

STORIES CAN SOMETIMES BE A BETTER TEACHING TOOL than mere words of instruction. So today, for you women who want to save your marriage, I want to tell you the story of Wendy. This is a sad story, but sometimes sad stories can show us the way to happier endings.

When Wendy’s husband left, her world fell apart. She never saw it coming. Her husband had been a loving and caring provider. Now suddenly, he said he was leaving. Her mind spun in confusion as she watched him pack up his things. Her heart raced.

“Where are you going?” she asked. “Why are you doing this?”

He shook his head and nuzzled the head of their dog, then headed toward the door.

She grabbed his arm. “I don’t understand. Why are you leaving? When are you coming back?”

“I’m sorry. I just can’t do this anymore. I need a break.”

As he reached for the door handle, tears began streaming down her face. “I can’t believe you’re doing this! Why are you leaving? Where are you going?”

“I’m sorry. I’ll give you a call.” The door closed firmly behind him and soon she heard the car engine roar to life. From the window, she watched his truck pull out of the driveway and head down the street. Wendy stood watching for a moment in shock, then collapsed on the couch.

For the next several days, Wendy walked around like one of the living dead. Her mind was in a fog. She was heartbroken. She called a couple of her friends. They were shocked too, but didn’t know what to say. She called her husband on the phone, hoping he would explain, but his answers were vague and unsettling. She suggested counseling, but he said he couldn’t do it right now. He wouldn’t know what to say.

With the shock and heartbreak of her husband’s sudden departure, Wendy’s reactions were very normal at this point.

But after the initial pain, she had a choice. What direction would she take from this point forward?

A Wrong Direction

Wendy could not push back the pain of her emotions and they began to spiral out of control. Her mind spun in every direction with fears, anger, regrets. For days she’d lie in bed, too depressed to even get up to dress and comb her hair or take calls from friends who wanted to help. The best she could do was nibble on some crackers, feed the dog and let him out in the backyard when he needed to go outside. She could think of nothing except the terrible pain her husband was causing her, and as her emotions changed from day to day—sometimes from hour to hour—she called her husband. Sometimes she called to beg him to come home, other times she sobbed on the phone, asking what was to become of her. More than once, she sent long texts lashing out at him, accusing him, berating him, telling him what a terrible person he was.

“How can you do this to me? How can you treat me this way!” she asked. She called mutual friends and asked them to call too.

Finally, one of Wendy’s friends suggested she take a class at church for those whose marriages were in crisis. Wendy went, and for the first time, she experienced hope.

A New Opportunity

She was told if she wanted to save her marriage, “you need to give your husband space – to put your husband on the back burner and focus on God.” Leaders told her to pray for her husband, say positive things to him when they had contact, and refrain from criticizing him. This was a time for her to put aside all expectations from her husband and simply be a giving, positive friend to him. She was even encouraged to take care of herself and do things she enjoyed without her husband. The other women in her group were dealing with similar situations, and she found the group atmosphere to be encouraging.

She began doing many of the things she was told to do, and her husband began to respond in positive ways. He even began dropping by the house on occasion, admitting to her that he still loved her but felt suffocated by her neediness.

She tried to put into practice the things they talked about in her class, but it was hard. In fact, one thing she just couldn’t do. The women were told to “let go” of their spouses, not to expect anything from them, and trust God with their emotions. She just didn’t understand how to do this. She loved her husband. She wanted him back. She wanted him to love her. She couldn’t let go of him and tell God she would be alright if her husband didn’t come back. She knew for a fact that she wouldn’t be alright if her husband didn’t come back. She needed her husband in her life. Yes, God was good and powerful, but He wasn’t a substitute for her husband. She couldn’t take a chance on letting go of her husband.

One evening her husband came over to visit, but instead of focusing on her and talking with her, all he did was play with their golden retriever. Her initial pain of abandonment returned. Self-pity took hold. But instead of taking her feelings to God to lay the pain at his feet, she just couldn’t keep from saying what was on her mind. “You love the dog more than me,” she complained to her husband.

Her husband didn’t respond but continued playing with the dog.

Although Wendy knew the importance of letting go and keeping things positive when she spent time with her husband, once again her emotions pulled her off balance. She couldn’t resist expressing her dissatisfaction with her husband’s lack of attention. The need for her husband’s love and affirmation held her hostage to her emotions. Her neediness was driving him away. Surrendering her pain to God would have released her from her obsession, providing God the opportunity to breathe a new sense of freedom, love, and commitment into her husband’s heart. But she couldn’t let go and slowly lapsed back into her former pattern of accusing him and pleading with him to come home.

Eventually, her husband stopped coming by. He went days without returning calls and texts. Her broken heart lay in pieces as the relationship slowly ebbed away.

Doesn’t Have To Be This Way if You Want to Save Your Marriage

I hate these sad endings because I know there’s a better way. If you want to save your marriage, the answers lay in the hands of our loving Father. He has a plan for us. He knows where our path will lead. He knows our needs and the needs of our partners. And He can put it all together. But we have to trust Him. We have to lay it all at His feet. We need to surrender our spouses, our marriages, our circumstances, to Him and let Him take control. Then we need to step back, wait, and trust Him for His timing while staying tuned for His voice and following His lead when He tells us to act. While we wait, He will build us up and give us His strength so we are stronger than we were before, strong enough to handle whatever comes our way. Isaiah 40:31 assures us, “Those who wait on the Lord will renew their strength. They will mount up on wings like eagles. They will run and not grow weary. They will walk and not faint.”

There’s another story with a happier ending I invite you to read as well. A true story I posted on Heart Talk in the past . . . the story of Marta. If you want to see a story of success, a story where the woman took the right path, surrendered her marriage to God, and ended up restoring her marriage, Marta’s story is a story that will encourage you as you take steps to save your own marriage..

Yes, unfortunately, we need to acknowledge the fact that our marriages may not survive. We may not be able to save our marriage. Our spouses’ heart may not turn back. God allows them to have free will and make their own decisions. But when placing our situations in the hands of our loving Father, He will make all things new for us and give us a new beginning—either with our partner or by taking us down a new and equally fulfilling road that He prepares for us when we continue to follow His lead.

“I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope ad a future.” Jeremiah 29:11.

Next week: The Challenge of Letting Go

If you want to save your marriage, I encourage you to get my book, Fighting for Your Marriage while Separated. It will walk you step by step through the labyrinths of this difficult journey so you can find the happy ending you are looking for.

Share
Filed Under: Divorce, Expectations, faith, Fear, Hope, How to win, Letting go, Marital separation, marriage, Marriage problems, New Years, Reconciliation, Surrendering to God, Trusting God, Uncategorized Tagged With: , , , , , , , , , , ,

Men, Do You Know How To Fight for Your Marriage?

January 28, 2021 by Leave a Comment

Photo by Diego Fagundes

WHAT DOES A MAN DO when his wife threatens to leave or get a divorce? His marriage can still be saved – even after a separation, but there is a right way and a wrong way to do it.  Too often, men don’t know how to fight for their marriage and end up doing it the wrong way. But be encouraged! There is a right way to fight for your marriage, and with a little patience and soul searching, you have a good chance of turning things around. Below are two stories – the first  shows the wrong way to fight for your marriage; the second shows the right way.

DOING IT THE WRONG WAY

When Wayne’s wife told him she wanted to get a divorce, he was stunned. He never saw it coming. At first, he just didn’t believe her when she said she wanted a divorce. He knew she loved him and usually went along with what he wanted. She couldn’t be serious. So he sent her some flowers and told her he loved her.

When she wasn’t swayed from her decision and told him she indeed was serious and wanted a divorce, he spent some time in denial.  He would just go on as normal for awhile, and she’d get over it. But she didn’t get over it. She moved out.

Now he was angry. He went to her new apartment and argued with her, trying to persuade her to change her mind. He ridiculed her for wanting to run away from problems. But she didn’t back down. She asked him to leave.

Wayne was not used to losing. He was a born winner, and he would figure out how to get her to change her mind. He sent her flowers again, then bought her a lovely coat she’d been wanting.

She returned the coat and said she would be filing for divorce soon.

When he received the papers, he was devastated. But he wasn’t about to let her see his pain. No, he didn’t want a divorce, but he wasn’t going to crawl to her either.

He knew how to play this game, and he would win.

Gathering together all his male gutzpa, he decided he would simply show her she couldn’t win. He’d show her that without him, she would have a hard time surviving on her own. He’d show her who was boss. He hired an attorney and figured out how to squash her hopes of separating and divorcing by using every trick he could to keep her from getting any of his money. He fought to keep her from getting any of his retirement. He fought to deny her a share of his 401K. He fought to keep her from continuing on his insurance. Some fights he won, and some he lost. It was a nasty fight. And it became a nasty and bitter divorce—a divorce that DID take place despite his bitter determination.

When the divorce happened, reality set in for him. Suddenly, he realized he’d lost the love of his life. The fight was over, and she was gone. With the final decree, he was beside himself. How did this happen? How did he lose her? How would he go on without her? The pain he’d been holding back now had no place to go. He dissolved into a state of depression – sometimes trying to escape with a bottle, sometimes with other women, sometimes in a lonely state of grief. He even called her once, crying on the phone, telling her he loved her and wanted her back. But it was over. The divorce was final. She was moving on.

Occasionally, he tried to reach out to her with a note of apology, but now she didn’t even answer. His heart was broken, and it was years before he was able to move forward again.

A BETTER WAY TO FIGHT FOR YOUR MARRIAGE

When Seth’s wife told him she wanted a divorce, he was shocked. He never expected his loving and agreeable wife to want to leave him. He immediately questioned her, asked her why and what he could do to change her mind. She said there was nothing he could do, that it was too late for change, and she’d made up her mind.  Seth was devastated.

Although heartbroken, he took a step back from their situation and tried to get a fresh look. He talked to a pastor, a counselor, and a trusted Christian friend.  They advised him to trust God, to give his wife some space, and to ask God to show him the truth about what had been happening in his relationship with his wife. He turned to God in prayer, asking God for wisdom and direction. He found a couple of Christian books, and all the while, instead of chasing after his wife, he gave her some space.

As Seth searched the scriptures, read the books, and talked to his counselor, he began to see changes he needed to make in himself. He realized he’d been too controlling and too dismissive about his wife’s needs. He realized he hadn’t given her a voice in resolving conflicts and disagreements. He always won the arguments – or so he thought. But did he really win? Or did he just wear her out until she gave in to him?

As he recognized his failures, he wrote her a letter, apologizing to her for the many times he’d been insensitive to her and for railroading his own agenda instead of truly listening to her about her own needs and wants. Although she thanked him, she had no intention of changing course. She still wanted a divorce.

Seth was horribly discouraged, but his Christian friend as well as his counselor told him to give it time. That’s what the books said too. When he had contact with his wife, he didn’t press her or argue with her. Instead, he tried to encourage her and show her appreciation.  He suggested they go to counseling and when she refused, telling him it was over, he told her he understood he’d made a lot of mistakes, and she had reason to want to back away. But he also said he was trying to make changes, and he thought they could work it out if they went to counseling and trusted God for their marriage. He told her he didn’t want a divorce, and if she wanted it, she’d have to be the one to file.

She visited a lawyer and talked about filing, but time went by with very little change. Whenever they had contact, he tried to have a positive attitude. He offered to help her with her car when it broke down and took care of her cat when she went away to visit her parents in another state. He tried to be supportive of her.

One day he called her to tell her about a change in their insurance, and they ended up having a long conversation – not about their relationship or their future, but just about what each of them were doing. They soon began having other conversations by text and phone – congenial conversations about current events in their lives and the lives of their families.  Finally, in one of those conversations, Seth asked if she’d like to meet for coffee. She agreed, and gradually, they began to meet for other occasions – once to shop for a present for his sister who was having a baby, another time to catch one of their favorite music acts that had come to town. By this time, two years had gone by since his wife first said she wanted a divorce. They continued for several more months, having a merely friendly relationship – not talking about their marriage or their future together—just enjoying the times they spent together.

Finally, one day over coffee, his wife looked at him, and said, “You’ve changed.”

He felt his heart thumping inside of him. “Thank you,” he said. “God has been showing me some things I needed to see.” She smiled, and he smiled back. And then he said it. “Do you think there’s a chance we might be able to work this out?”

“Perhaps,” she said. “Maybe we should give it a try.”

These two stories are compilations from true stories that have happened to actual people. If your marriage is in crisis, I pray they will help you take an honest look at yourself so you can take a step back and move forward with God to bring positive change to your marriage.

If you want to fight for your marriage and avoid common pitfalls in order to save it, my book, Fighting for Your Marriage while Separated, will guide you through this difficult labyrinth of decision making and confusion so you can find the happy ending you are looking for.

Next week: Women: Do you know how to fight for your marriage?

Share
Filed Under: Divorce, Hope, How to win, Love, Marital separation, marriage, Marriage problems, men & women, Reconciliation, Uncategorized Tagged With: , , , , , , , , , , , ,

Yes, Your Marriage Can Be Saved – Author Interview with Joe and Michelle Williams

January 21, 2021 by 1 Comment

When a person’s marriage crashes into crisis, one of the first questions they may ask, is, “Can my marriage be saved? Or is it too late?” Joe and Michelle Williams’ book answers that question directly. Their book, Yes, Your Marriage Can Be Saved, not only tells you that yes, it can, but it provides numerous tools to help you actually do it.

Yes, Your Marriage Can Be Saved is a companion book to the course the Williams had previously created called Marriage 911, a course that my husband and I have lead for 14 years in Central Florida, and a course that takes place in numerous cities across America. If you have taken Marriage 911, this book will solidify for you the principles in the class. If not, it will give you fresh perspectives to help you discover the truth in the title of their book. For, yes, your marriage can be saved. I am pleased today to interview Joe and Michelle Williams about their book.

Linda: Michelle, tell us what lead you to write your book, Yes, Your Marriage Can Be Saved, that was published by Focus on the Family in 2006?

Michelle: After Joe and I reconciled from being separated for two years, we began helping marriages in crisis in 1990. In 1997 we created a workbook and a 12-week curriculum that many churches in California and across the nation began using to help couples who seemed to have no hope. As you know, we also began traveling to many of the churches, including yours, and meeting many leaders and authors. Many of the authors, including yourself, encouraged us to write a book using true stories from the many people we had helped.

Linda: So, Joe, would you say that Yes, Your Marriage Can Be Saved is a book that includes only stories of saved marriages?

 Joe: No, even though the book is filled with true stories of people whose marriages were on the brink of divorce we felt it was important to include stories of marriages that didn’t make it. For instance, one of the guys that I worked with during his marriage crisis did everything he could to save the marriage, but his wife had no desire to work on the marriage and finally filed for divorce. I wanted his story in there because he was an example of men who need to stay plugged into a support group and not go through their pain alone. Steve did that, and even though he has not remarried, he became a godly man for his children and had peace through his difficult time.

Linda: Please tell us more about the book. I know it includes stories from those you have walked alongside. But what else is in your book?

 Michelle: Our story of separation and reconciliation is also woven throughout each chapter and includes all the reconciliation tools that are in our Marriage 911: First Response workbook. At the end of each chapter are questions that can be answered in small groups, as a couple, or privately.

Linda: Can you give an example of how Yes, Your Marriage Can Be Saved differs from the Marriage 911 workbook since it includes the same tools?

Michelle: Yes, as you know, our 12-week workbook is meant to be done with a same gender support partner or in a same-gender class, without the participation of their spouse. In contrast, Yes, Your Marriage Can be Saved is designed to be read as a couple so they can contemplate the questions together or with other couples. The examples and communication tips are explained in a way that is easy for a couple to discuss since there is a lot of humor intertwined with teaching them better ways to disagree or accept personality and anger-expression differences.

Linda: So, if someone is separated or has a spouse who doesn’t want to read it, is the book still helpful?

Joe: I don’t like to read, so Michelle reads out loud to me while we drive. I’ve “read” tons of books without ever having to! Most of the guys I know feel the same, but all of them have said they don’t mind being read to.

Michelle: If someone is physically separated we recommend getting a small group together or at least one other same-gender person to read it and discuss weekly. But, honesty, many of the people we have heard from over the years have read it alone, put the tools in action and made their own personal changes without their spouse ever participating. As Joe mentioned, there are several stories of marriages that were not saved, but lives changed for the better and we include those stories to encourage the reader whose marriage may not be saved. Remember, the name of the books is “Yes, Your Marriage CAN Be Saved”…not WILL.

Linda: Do people use both the Marriage 911 workbook and the Yes, Your Marriage Can be Saved book together?

Michelle: That is always the best way if a church is offering a 12-week class. The workbook has all the tools, but not all the examples. In Yes, Your Marriage Can Be Saved each tool is discussed in depth with several examples of additional communication tips. Since a couple can read the book together they do not have to have their own, as they do with the workbook.

Linda:  Can you two give an example of the tools and communication tips?

Joe: The first thing we recommend in Yes, Your Marriage Can Be Saved is to create a support system so that the reader does not go through their marriage crisis alone. Being isolated and alone is what Satan wants, and when someone is alone and hopeless the enemy wins. The support system of our ministry is key—regardless of how the marriage is doing. Another important factor about having support is that it creates accountability. In my own life, until Michelle and I separated in 1987 for two years, I had never been accountable to a group of men. I think my being in a men’s group and studying the word with other guys played a big part of Michelle and I reconciling.

 Michelle: We know the importance of accepting differences when it comes to communicating, because that was one of the biggest hurdles for us in our marriage. Woven throughout the book are tips and tools to deal with anger, honesty, fear, and personality differences. These differences can really show up when storms such as parenting, finances, or family drama blindside a marriage. So in Yes, Your Marriage Can Be Saved we create examples of how to accept these differences and keep a right focus so couples or individuals can not only survive but actually thrive in the midst of difficulty.

Linda: Where can couples get the book?

Joe: They can order it from their local bookstore, or Amazon, or visit our website, Marriage911Godsway.com.  Many of the churches who offer our ministry have it on hand in their church library or bookstore.

Linda:  If someone wants to start a Marriage 911 program in their church, how should they go about it?

Michelle: It’s easy to start a ministry. Just visit the website: Marriage911Godsway.com, and order a leader’s kit. We have a step-by-step plan in the leader’s guide, which explains how to start a small group or class, or use the resources one-on-one. The weekly videos on our website can be used in a small group or class, or the person can do it on their own.

Linda: If someone wants to attend, but there isn’t a Marriage 911 class nearby, is there an alternative?

Joe: We offer trained national support partners and online videos once a person orders any of our workbooks or book.

Share
Filed Under: BOOKS, Divorce, Hope, How to win, Interviews, Marital separation, marriage, Marriage problems, marriage resources, Reconciliation, Uncategorized Tagged With: , , , , , , , , ,

Let’s Talk about Marriage in Crisis . . .

January 13, 2021 by Leave a Comment

Photo by Ben White

For the past several months of 2020 our world has been in such crisis that I have spent much of my time on Heart Talk just working through the daily troubles we’re experiencing together as a people. As a result, I haven’t focused on marriage as much as I’d like.

So today I’m beginning a series on marriage—particularly focusing on how to work through a marriage in crisis so you come out on the other side in one piece. During the following weeks, some of my posts will actually be segments I initially planned to include in my latest book, Fighting for Your Marriage while Separated, but which didn’t appear in the final release. With these posts, I hope to continue walking beside you as you work to bring restoration to your marriage.

If your life is embroiled in chaos because of what is happening in your marriage, throwing a pandemic into the mix certainly doesn’t help. An already broken heart has a hard time holding the pieces together. Discouragement, depression, and hopelessness swirl around you like a bad dream. Loneliness engulfs you, and you can’t even reach out to people because we’re in a pandemic.

Even without a pandemic, those who are separated or have a marriage in crisis are some of the loneliest people around. A study conducted in 1991 about loneliness in adults reported that the separated are more lonely than any other group of adults categorized by marital status. In fact, 29.6% of the Separated say they are lonely compared to 20.6% widowed, 20.4% divorced, 14.5% never married and 4.6% married. Even if you could go out and spend time with people, when you are separated, you don’t feel like you belong anywhere. And when you’re in the middle of marital crisis but still together, your couple times with others may seem disingenuous.

Hope seems like a foreign word in another language. What does hope even mean? What does it look like? Where do you find it?

It begins by taking a step back from the crisis and getting a new perspective. It begins by focusing your heart and mind on the invitation of Psalm 46:10, “Be still and know that I am God.”  In our lonely state, we can enter into a communication with our God that goes deeper than what we’ve known before. He can open our eyes to things we’ve missed and truths that penetrate any errors in our thinking. And He’s always near.

As you wait, let these words form a prayer on your lips, “But now, Lord, what do I look for? My hope is in you.” Psalm 39:7

In our marriage classes, many times it has been Psalm 46:10 that has redirected a person’s thoughts and actions to bring them to a place where they can change the course of their marriage. And, often, it’s a day of prayer that shifts a person’s thinking and starts them on the path toward reconciliation.  Alberto’s story, in my book, Fighting for Your Marriage while Separated, testifies to this very truth. It was when he was quiet before God that God began turning his life around. As a result, he and his wife reconciled, and now, several years later, their marriage is thriving. To this day Alberto serves God with a humble heart and has been involved in helping other men on their path to reconciliation in their marriages.

So today, stop! Look to the Lord. Let Him quiet your spirit so you can begin to hear His voice.

We wait in hope for the Lord; he is our help and our shield. Psalm 33:20

Why, my soul, are you downcast? Why so disturbed within me? Put your hope in God, for I will yet praise him, my Savior and my God. Psalm 42:5

If you’re experiencing a marriage in crisis, let my first book, Broken Heart on Hold, be that needed friend, walking beside you to help you quiet your heart while you look to God to heal your emotions and give you strength for the journey.

Share
Filed Under: Divorce, Hope, How to win, Lonliness, Marital separation, marriage, Marriage problems, New Directions, Prayer, Reconciliation, Time with God, Uncategorized Tagged With: , , , , , , , , , , ,

When Your Marriage Boat is Sinking

December 2, 2020 by 1 Comment

Photo by Insung Yoon

Guest Post by Kathy Collard Miller

After only seven years of marriage, my husband Larry and I hated each other. We didn’t have hope for our future together. Plus, neither of us thought God really cared. Larry felt helpless and concentrated on working more hours and diverting himself with sports. I just thought God had given up on me. Our marriage boat was sinking.

But God did care and He had not given up.

In the Bible, God asks over 300 questions, not because He doesn’t know the answers, but because He wants to inquire into our minds and hearts. When any of us are struggling in our marriages, we might be surprised to discover how the questions God asks in the Bible can minister to us in unexpected ways.

For instance, in Luke 8:22-25, when the disciples are in a sinking boat and Jesus is asleep in spite of the waves flooding over the sides, even the seasoned fishermen of the disciples feel hopeless. And the man, Jesus, who had originally told them to get into the boat seems totally oblivious.

Finally, most likely after trying on their own to scoop water out of the boat, the terrified disciples yell above the howling wind, “Master, Master, we are perishing!” (vs 24). When this similar scene had occurred before, the disciples had cried out, “Teacher, do you not care that we are perishing?” (Mark 4:38).

Larry and I both had concluded within the sinking ship of our marriage that our relationship would perish and God didn’t really care. There was no hope and since He hadn’t given us an instant healing, maybe He was as hopeless as we were.

But Jesus does rescue the disciples and asks, “Where is your faith?” I find the word “where” fascinating. Other times, Jesus asks “what” or “why.” Only a few other times does Jesus use “where” in a question, usually referring to a physical place, not the condition of the heart.

This time he is addressing the condition of the disciples’ hearts—where they are traveling away from him in their commitment.

He seems to be asking,

  • Where is your faith headed?
  • Where are your desires leading you?
  • Where will you end up?

The reaction of the disciples—and those of us in the midst of marriage challenges—reveals our spiritual eyes and also our physical eyes which focus on our circumstances. We quickly travel in our hearts to imagine the worst.

“Yes, Jesus said He created marriage but I guess He doesn’t care about ours.”

“Yes, Jesus said He can give us the courage to persevere, but even making right choices doesn’t seem to make any difference.”

“Yes, Jesus said nothing is too difficult for Him, but then why do I keep getting so angry and defensive?”

We all have “yes … but …” statements following where disbelief and distrust lead. Instead of clinging to the confidence Jesus demonstrates through the promises of Scripture, we follow the rabbit trail off into the forest where dangers lurk. The apparent truths of circumstances seem more accurate and real.

It’s not easy, but it is possible to keep our eyes focused on Jesus. Otherwise, Jesus would not have asked the disciples, “Where is your faith?” He would have just walked out onto the sea and abandoned them.

We know because Jesus didn’t abandon Larry and me. He calmed the storm threatening our marriage. No, it wasn’t an instant deliverance like when Jesus quieted the storm. Instead, the healing of our relationship was filled with three steps forward and two steps back. Little by little, we each learned selflessness, how to choose love regardless of our feelings, and greater trust in God to keep trying.

Now after celebrating our 50th wedding anniversary, we can confirm that calling upon Jesus is worth it. Our love and commitment is as strong as it can be and we minister together. He proves Himself faithful not only by showing His attentiveness, but by empowering us to learn how to use our spiritual paddles effectively and know Jesus is with us even if the storm continues.

“Where is your faith?” continues to draw our attention back to our great God who knows exactly how to help us. Sometimes by calming the storm and other times by giving us more effective paddles.

Do you have a sinking marriage?

He healed us and He desires to heal you.

Kathy Collard Miller and Larry Miller are international and national speakers and co-writers. They married in 1970, are parents, grandparents, and lay counselors. Larry is a retired police lieutenant from Huntington Beach, California. Their most recent book is God’s Intriguing Questions: 60 New Testament Devotions Revealing Jesus’s Nature.  Visit them at www.KathyCollardMiller.com

 

Share
Filed Under: Uncategorized Tagged With: , , , , , , ,

For Those Who Are Separated

October 9, 2020 by 9 Comments

Many of you who subscribe to and read Heart Talk are journeying on a difficult path in your marriages. Some are separated in different residences. Some are living in the same house, but the distance between you and your spouse is palpable and lonely.  Every day you wonder what will happen in the future.

Many of my posts on Heart Talk in the past have been directed to you and the issues you face, but for the past several months in which we’re all trying to navigate through a Covid-driven world, my focus has been to reach out to everyone dealing with a new reality that has brought new stress and anxiety to life.

But I haven’t forgotten you, and this week I want to give you a potpourri of encouraging posts from the past you can look over so you can hopefully find something to help you on your difficult journey.

Feeling All Alone?

First, do you feel you are all alone? Do you wonder if anyone has ever dealt with what you are dealing with? Often, I get emails from readers or those finding me online who can’t imagine anyone else has dealt with a situation like theirs and actually seen their marriages survive.

But you are not alone! It’s just that not many people are vulnerable enough to tell you about it.  So here’s a post that invites you in so you can see that others have gone through similar things. And because of God’s grace and goodness, their marriages have been restored.  http://www.lindarooks.com/2018/04/19/you-are-not-alone/

And if you just need something to steady your swirling emotions so you can feel more confident about making good decisions, my book Broken Heart on Hold, Surviving Separation, can be a friend to walk beside you during this tumultuous and unsettling time.

Saving Your Marriage by Yourself?

Others of you may be crying out to God for your marriage to be restored, but you don’t think it’s possible because your spouse has pulled away from you and is perhaps seeking a separation or divorce. Your fear is that if your spouse doesn’t want the marriage, how can it ever be restored?  Everyone seems to say it takes two to reconcile a marriage. If this is true, what can you do by yourself? But is it true?  If this is the question you are asking today, this post is for you.  http://www.lindarooks.com/2016/06/03/takes-one-begin-reconciliation-marriage/

Easier to Get a Divorce?

Some others of you may be ready to just give up. Is it really worth the effort? If this is going to take a long time, wouldn’t it be better to just get a divorce and get on with my life? If this is your thinking, you might want to read the following: http://www.lindarooks.com/2019/09/03/would-i-be-happier-with-a-divorce/

How Do You Actually Reconcile when Separated?

But a number of you undoubtedly just want to know if reconciling your marriage is truly possible and what to do to save it. Is there really hope for YOUR marriage? Perhaps you’ve already tried. You’ve gone to counseling. You’ve tried to get your spouse to “talk.”  You’ve asked over and over, “What do you want? What can I do to make this better?” But you feel like you’re staring at a blank wall when you look at the blank look in his or her eyes. You feel like you’re out of options. You don’t know what else to do. Before my latest book, Fighting for Your Marriage while Separated, came out, I wrote a series for those who are separated. This is part 3 of the four-part series.  http://www.lindarooks.com/2019/03/13/can-separated-couples-reconcile-bringing-about-reconciliation-after-separation/

And finally, some of you may just need to dive in and do the work to save your marriage. You may have been thinking about getting my latest book, Fighting for Your Marriage while Separated, but don’t know if it will help.  The post below provides an overall look at the book and describes each chapter to give you a better idea of what you can expect to find there and how it may help. Will it actually help you achieve the goals you’re after? You can look here and see. http://www.lindarooks.com/2019/03/20/fighting-for-your-marriage-while-separated/

Fighting for Your Marriage while Separated is also available as an audio book for those who prefer to listen in the car or close their eyes and absorb the words when feeling too weary or too depressed to read an actual book.

A New Series

After the first of the year, I hope to do another series on Heart Talk for those who are separated. This time I plan to share some of the things that weren’t included in my books, but offer additional help for those at a marital impasse.

Our Story

Because my husband and I went through the agony of a three-year separation ourselves, we have a deep desire to help others who are experiencing this lonely and troubling time in their marriage.

Here is a brief snippet from my husband’s and my interview on 100 Huntley Street. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PcYZSAQN3AY  You can see both parts of the full interview on YouTube or just go to my website at http://brokenheartonhold.com to see those interviews. Plus, you can see others as well when you visit the speaking/media page.

Share
Filed Under: BOOKS, Divorce, Fear, Lonliness, Marital separation, marriage, Marriage problems, Reconciliation, Uncategorized Tagged With: , , , , , , , , , , , , ,
« Previous Page
Next Page »
Return to top of page · Copyright © 2024 Linda Rooks All Rights Reserved · Return to Linda Rooks