A Heart of Expectation

May 26, 2021 by 1 Comment
Hands lifted up

Photo by PH Diego

LAST WEEK WE TALKED ABOUT what hope looks like and how, even in the midst of troubled times when a happy ending seems unlikely, a heart of expectation can help us look beyond the temporal circumstances of here and now and capture a vision for the future.

But how do we do that? When things look hopeless and we see no happy ending for ourselves, how do we simply ignore the pain of the present to embrace the hope of the future?

How can we look into the face of adversity and have a heart of expectation?

A heart of expectation is birthed by immersing ourselves in the heart of God so our desires are transformed from temporary to eternal, to love what He loves, to cherish what He cherishes. God loves us and wants the best for us, but what we interpret to be the best may only be second best or third best . . . or not best at all. While we focus on what we think will make us “happy,” God may be focusing on what will bring us a lasting joy and fulfillment for all eternity. While we’re reaching out for one small peek through the bakery window, He may want to reward us with a trip inside to enjoy all the goodies we want for a lifetime.

Do we believe this? Do we believe that what God wants for us is truly better than what we want for us. Scripture tells us this is true. 1 Corinthians 2:9 says, “No eye has seen, no ear has heard, and no mind has imagined what God has prepared for those who love him.” (NLT) But do we believe this?

The apostle Paul’s heart desire was to preach the gospel throughout the known world, but his hope was cut short when he was imprisoned in Rome and could only communicate with the churches through his letters. Did he have any idea his letters would ultimately be translated into every known language and become basic reading for centuries of believers?

What Paul did know is that “in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose” (Romans 8:28). Paul was able to lay his circumstances at the feet of His Lord, do what He could by writing letters, and let God work out all the details. He had no idea what lay ahead in future generations. What seemed limited in scope at the time—a few letters written to encourage the churches—flourished into a foundational part of the New Testament—something beyond his wildest comprehension and imagination.

We too have treasures in store for us waiting to be revealed at a later time when we give our situations to God as an offering of love and faith. If we can lift our eyes above our circumstances and seek the Lord, He can give us a heart of expectation. We don’t know what will happen in the future—not just tomorrow, not just next year or ten years from now. But if we lay everything at His feet, He can do incredible things with what we give Him.

We may not ever see it in this life—like the heroes of faith in Chapter 11 of Hebrews, people of faith who never saw revealed what they hoped for, but people who will live forever as heroic figures in God’s heavenly realms.  We don’t know how the small seeds we plant by surrendering our situation to God might sprout into something that continues to multiply—even over centuries—to become part of God’s eternal plan in the lives of others. But with a heart of expectation, we will one day see all that he has purposed for us.

Lift your worries up to God and watch them diffuse in the light of His glory as He rains down on you visions of His eternal purposes. With a heart of expectation, your hope can translate into faith that God has a purpose for your pain to use for His glory in some incredible way that not only makes the pain worthwhile, but becomes something to celebrate in its contribution to the unfolding of God’s eternal plan.

Heaven’s angels may sing Hallelujah as they watch you surrender your pain, knowing God has a beautiful plan you can’t even imagine or comprehend.

And maybe that’s true hope, the kind of hope that not only melts away all fear, but will put joy in our hearts and a song on our lips each day of our lives throughout eternity.

If you’re going through serious marital struggles and need encouragement to find hope, let me walk beside you through the pages of my book, Broken Heart on Hold. Together we will seek the Light and find strength for the journey.

 

Share
Filed Under: Expectations, faith, God's goodness, Grief, Hope, joy, Knowing God, Letting go, Marriage problems, Pain, Problems, Surrendering to God, Trusting God, Uncategorized, Worry Tagged With: , , , , , , , ,

What Does Hope Look Like?

May 19, 2021 by Leave a Comment
Hope written on one of the rocks in a pile of rocks

Photo by Nick Fewings

WHILE I WAS READING the heart-breaking but hope-filled story of Hannah in the Bible, I was struck with how her submission to the Lord in her adversity was filled with joy and a sense of expectation. She had been childless for years and tearfully sought God to open her womb. With a deep trust in God’s providence, however, she vowed to give the child to God if He granted her request.

And she did. When she gave birth to her son Samuel the following year, she took him to the temple as soon as he was weaned, dedicated him to God, and left him with Eli, the priest. And she did it with great joy.

But what kind of hope is that? What kind of answer is that? Didn’t she want a child to cuddle and love? To raise and look after? She gave the child away! What was her hope? What was the reason for her joy?

And that makes me ask the question. What is OUR hope?

What does hope look like for US—for you—for me?

When we’re going through a troublesome time and hope for a good outcome, what does hope usually look like for us? “If I can just get through this crisis . . . if my husband will come home to me . . . if my test results show that I’m cured . . . if I can get that job . . . if my son quits his addiction.” If, if, if . . . .  We want the pain of the situation to end. We want good things in our life. Then we’ll be alright.

We’re standing on the precipice and we just don’t want to fall off the cliff. We want a safety net to catch us, a plateau of safety so we can escape the stressful or frightening circumstances we face.

But what if hope is more than that that? What if hope is not just that we’ll be safe, but that as we stand on the edge of the cliff, we will actually see a beautiful meadow of multi-colored blessings unfurling before our eyes? What if we can see that our present problem will actually become part of God’s greater plan, a plan that, in fact, wouldn’t be as perfect without our painful circumstances?

Hannah’s prayer was rooted in a bigger hope than merely having a child to raise and look after. She tied her hope to God’s eternal plan and His larger story for the peoples of the earth. With a heart of expectation, she dedicated her child to God’s larger purposes. As a result, Samuel became God’s prophet to lead the nation of Israel throughout his lifetime. He was a transformative figure who God used to bring about the reign of David. And as a post script, God gave Hannah three more sons and two daughters afterwards.

As I write this, I think about a couple of paragraphs I wrote in my book Broken Heart on Hold in which I share how God walked with me through the pain of my three-year separation.

“Gradually God unfolded to me a deeper reality. What I was experiencing was not just about me, nor was it just about my husband and me . . . or our marriage. It was about a picture God was composing even as I stood poised on the tip of his paintbrush spilling tears upon the canvas to soften the harsh colors of the palette.

As I spent time with him in prayer, his larger purpose began to take form before my eyes. This grievous time was only one part of God’s bigger picture. What this part of the picture would ultimately look like however, depended in large part on me and what I did with my circumstances. It could be an obscure narrow section angled awkwardly among the other images on the canvas. Or it could become a shining blast of color and light shedding rays of illumination on the surrounding landscape. It was up to me to seek and find his larger design.” (From Broken Heart on Hold, Surviving Separation.)

Yes, as I walked through that dark tunnel of hopelessness, God eventually brought me to the light at the other end, and the light of His plan was glorious. Not only did He restore our marriage, but He allowed my pain to become comfort and hope for others walking this difficult journey. And when someone tells me how much my books have helped them, my heart swells with joy at God’s beautiful plan of redemption. I didn’t know back then I would write these books, but because I persevered with God, He used my pain to bring healing to others.

So what does hope look like?

Perhaps seeing hope requires us to open our eyes to more than what our limited earthly vision often encompasses.  To catch the vision, we must start by trusting God with a sense of expectation, trusting that even in the midst of our fears God is going to do something wonderful.  When we can tether our hope to God’s limitless resources and love, trusting that when given to Him, the experience we are going through will be like a seed planted in good soil that sprouts and multiplies into an eternal spring of beauty, then we will know the joy of the Lord that becomes our strength. Hope becomes our peace.

If you’re struggling to understand, if—like me—you’re asking what does hope look like, turn your eyes upward.

Lift your eyes to the Lord. Let Him enlarge your vision. Let your hope look beyond the problems and the temporal solutions. Grasp hold of God’s promises and love so your hope can grow into a mustard-seed faith, trusting that God has a purpose for your pain to use in some exquisite way that will make it all worthwhile in the unfolding of His eternal plan.  Seek Him with all your heart and let Him fashion your future to fit into His greater blessings.

“Why, my soul, are you downcast? Why so disturbed within me? Put your hope in God, for I will yet praise him, my Savior and my God” (Psalm 42:5).

*Read Hannah’s story in 1 Samuel 1–2:11 and 2:16-21

If you need hope for your marriage, let me walk beside you through the pages of my book, Broken Heart on Hold. Together we’ll find hope and strength for the journey.

Share
Filed Under: Expectations, faith, Fear, Hope, joy, Marriage problems, Pain, Peace, Problems, stress, Trusting God, Uncategorized, Where is God? Tagged With: , , , , , , , ,

The Single Dad Detour – Author Interview with Tez Brooks

April 22, 2021 by Leave a Comment

cover of book "The Single Dad Detour"IF YOU’RE A DAD in a broken marriage and marital reconciliation looks more and more remote, my interview with my friend Tez Brooks will be especially meaningful and, perhaps, a life-changer. In his award-winning book, The Single Dad Detour, Tez Brooks provides wise guidance laced with humor to help divorced and separated dads navigate through difficult circumstances in parenting. I’m hoping Tez’s experience and insights will offer answers to many of the questions men commonly ask in their emails to me. A review of the book by author Rick James says, “If I were a single parent on this journey, I’d want Tez’s comforting voice on my GPS. It’s a warm and understanding voice that’s traveled the back roads and knows where it’s going.” Recently, Tez received the Book of the Decade award from Serious Writer.

Linda: Tez, tell our readers a little about yourself and your journey.

 Tez: Sure. Well, I made a decision to follow Christ when I was 6, felt a call to ministry at 18 and went to Bible College. I was a 22-year-old youth pastor when I married a girl from my hometown. During our 10-year marriage we had two children who are now adults.

But there were a lot of hidden issues we were dealing with as a couple. I had abuse in my background and was a bit of a control freak. I could be a real jerk sometimes. My wife had undiagnosed bi-polar disorder and some other mental health issues that we didn’t know were affecting our marriage. I thought that’s just what marriage was supposed to be—a roller coaster.

On top of that, she was chronically unfaithful and although I saw evidence of this while we were dating, I figured a wedding ring would solve this. I was young and naïve and didn’t have any older men speaking into my life who might have warned me. I took her back several times but eventually, her unfaithfulness led to a divorce.

That’s not what I wanted for us. I continued to make attempts to salvage our marriage. Counseling, marriage conferences, books, prayer, fasting—everything. Even after the divorce I was open to reconciliation. I believed with the Lord we could work through anything. But at the time, only one of us was walking with God. And honestly, you can’t force someone to love you.

We shared custody of our son and daughter. Sometimes they lived with me, other times they were with my ex. It was a lonely depressing time for me. The kids experienced a lot of loss too. In all, the kids lived with me full-time for about 3 years. As you’ve heard, no one wins. Divorce is a lose/lose situation.

After being divorced 7 years, I met and married my lovely wife Christine and we’ve had 2 more girls. It’s such a joy to raise children with a godly woman who loves me and shares the same values as a parent.

 Linda: Your book, The Single Dad Detour was a winner for the 2016 Royal Palm Literary Award. Although your book has a Christian worldview, this was a secular competition. Obviously they saw your book contained some unique insight and encouragement for any audience. How is that?

 Tez: Maybe it’s because I didn’t try to get too deep or theological? I’m not sure. I talk a lot about the importance of having a personal relationship with God in order to effectively parent your child through a broken family situation. But if you know me, I just don’t get in people’s faces as a Bible-thumper. Sharing my faith is a more natural, relational thing with me. Perhaps the judges sensed this? I’m just thankful they acknowledged a religious book. I’m chalking it up to God’s grace.

It was certainly an honor to receive such a prestigious award and recently another award from Serious Writer. I’m blown away by how God is using the book to minister to single parents around the world. I currently have 2 single dads I’m mentoring solely because they heard about the book and contacted me.

A counselor I know gives copies to parents who are having marriage trouble. In Singapore, Teen Challenge uses it as a resource for single dads coming through their addiction recovery program to help them learn how to be better fathers. But actually more women buy the book than men. Mothers get it for their divorced sons. Women give copies to their boyfriends who have kids. I’m humbled by every story I hear.

 Linda: You’ve said it was difficult to write it because of the memories that surfaced. What led you to write it to begin with?

Tez: I really struggled. I’d been re-married several years and had moved so far past that season of darkness. I didn’t want to re-visit some memories.

But the Lord started giving me compassion for single dads, and I remembered how there just wasn’t anything out there for me when I was going through it. Especially books with a Christian worldview. What was available was too preachy for me. So I wrote something that would encourage guys with a little humor and offer some practical advice and action points.

 Linda: Many men build their lives on the idea that a wife, kids and a house equals success. When that crumbles down, where can they find their identity?

 Tez: That’s a great question because our identity needs to be grounded in Christ to begin with. If that’s not there when tragedy strikes, we’re in trouble. That’s where I found myself. I was a Christian but I didn’t really understand my identity as a child of God. I thought the American dream was where my self worth was. When that disappeared I was suddenly a man in my 30s with no real value to anyone. At least that’s what I believed.

I embraced the world’s view of who and what I was. In essence I allowed the world to place a price tag on my forehead. Suddenly that tag was marked down 95% and I was thrown in the bargain bin.

It can take a long time for the message of Christ to get from our heads down to our hearts. That’s what needed to happen with me. Thankfully the Holy Spirit began a work to reveal the value God placed on me. It was vital to my healing.

Linda: You’ve been happily married to Christine for 15 years now. But what about the single dad reading your book who is believing for a marital reconciliation? Do you support that?

Tez: Absolutely. God hates divorce and he desires for us to honor and keep those wedding vows of “…till death do us part.” I commend and respect couples like you and Marv who are able to work through some very heart-wrenching issues and preserve a marriage after long periods of painful separation. Some of these couples even re-marry one another…so even a divorce is not necessarily final. That’s what I want readers to hear.

In chapter 3 of The Single Dad Detour I mention the importance of attempting to restore your marriage. Divorce should always be a last resort. But I also know every couple has different situations. Not all marriages are in trouble because of unfaithfulness or desertion. And even for those marriages that are, the spouse who desires a reconciliation might be the very one who sinned but is now repentant.

Whatever the story, some folks don’t get the luxury of having a spouse who agrees that the marriage must be saved. So you may be all alone in hoping for marital restoration. But God is still there. He was for me.

When it became obvious my marriage was irreconcilable, I was swallowed up by an even darker shadow. Because I thought scripture wouldn’t allow me to marry again. I prepared to spend the rest of my life single.

While I was embracing some very cool opportunities to serve the Lord in ways only a single could, I still struggled as a man in my 30s, knowing loneliness and sexual temptation would always be part of my life.

It took a brave pastor to walk me through some scripture passages and show me I was free to remarry. Even after that, I was suspicious and didn’t trust women in general. I watched Christine for a year before I decided to court her.

It was scary for me but I’ve never dreamed marriage could be so fulfilling. Does this make me pro-divorce/remarriage? No. But life is messy. You don’t always get what you expected or planned for. And watching God redeem your life in spite of bad decisions is an amazing thing to experience.

Linda: What is one thing you want men to get from reading The Single Dad Detour?

Tez: I want readers to walk away encouraged to keep going. Whether God restores your marriage or not, he is coming alongside you in that journey. I want to challenge dads to step up to the plate in their parenting, while still trying to save the marriage if they can.

Outcomes are not always under our control, yet there is still hope for an abundant life if the marriage dissolves permanently. If men can celebrate what they’re doing right, while still leaning desperately on the Savior for hope, it will make the road they’re navigating much easier.

Linda: Where can people learn more about you and your book, The Single Dad Detour?

Tez: They can learn more me and The Single Dad Detour at www.everysingledad.com, on Facebook (everysingledad) or Twitter (tezd63) and they can also find the book on Amazon.

Share
Filed Under: BOOKS, Children, Divorce, Fathers, Feeling unworthy, Hope, Infidelity, Interviews, marriage, New Directions, parenting, Uncategorized Tagged With: , , , , , , , , , ,

A Savior Who Knows the Pain of Rejection

March 31, 2021 by Leave a Comment

As we approach Easter and the celebration of the resurrection, we first come to the cross.As we approach Easter and the celebration of the resurrection, we first come to the cross.

For before the victory is the pain and suffering.

If we are among those who have suffered rejection, we meet there a Savior who knows our pain. For not only did Jesus suffer the pain of an excruciating death on the cross and the unrelenting harassment by his enemies, but during his most horrific moments of his earthly life, HE ALSO EXPERIENCED REJECTION FROM THOSE CLOSEST TO HIM.

As he was marched to his execution, where were his disciples, the men He had loved and poured His life into for the past three years?

THEY HAD DESERTED HIM, scattered in fear and confusion. One of them had betrayed Him, taken the sweet privilege of walking beside Him, enjoying his companionship, and listening to His personal confidences and used this intimacy to turn him into his enemies.

Another, Peter, who had vowed to fight for Him, never to leave Him crumbled at the simple questioning and accusations of a humble servant girl, swearing to her that HE DIDN’T EVEN KNOW HIM. Then, in shame, he too had run away.

Of the twelve, only the disciple John stood by him. And, indeed, his mother.

Yes, JESUS KNEW REJECTION.  He knows our pain. And He comes to us as He did long ago to heal us, comfort us, and give us a newness of life. For those of us who felt the stab of betrayal or rejection from spouses who vowed to love us for a lifetime, we are not alone. The very God of the Universe, the One who created us, and told us He came to heal the brokenhearted and bind up our wounds knows the pain of rejection from those closest to him on this earth.

Sometimes on this desolate journey, we feel all alone. No one seems to understand just how painful rejection can be when a spouse turns their back on us. We don’t know where to turn, who to talk to. But as we come to the cross, as we look up to the One who spilled out his blood on our behalf, whose love bleeds sacrificially into the healing of our hearts, we can know WE HAVE A SAVIOR WHO DOES UNDERSTAND. He’s been there. He’s felt our pain. He loves us, and He promises to heal our broken hearts.

This Easter, experience your Savior’s love as a personal gift to you. Let the love He offered on the cross heal the wounds of rejection.

And as the salve of love binds up your heart, allow yourself to capture the beautiful climax of what happened next. JESUS SHOWS US THAT REJECTION AND PAIN ARE NOT THE END. That with Him beside us, there is victory. Let Him comfort you in your pain, but through His resurrection, let Him also show you the path to the abundant life He so desperately wants you to have. He wants so much for you to experience the wonderful new life He has for you that He died to give it to you.

If you’re looking for more help to heal your broken heart, I pray my book, Broken Heart on Hold, Surviving Separation, can help fill in the gaps.

Share
Filed Under: comfort, Depression, Easter, Grief, Jesus, Lonliness, loss, Love, Pain, Receiving Christ, Rejection, Uncategorized Tagged With: , , , , , , ,

Marriage on the Mend, Healing Your Marriage after Crisis, Separation or Divorce – Interview with Co-author Penny Bragg

March 24, 2021 by 1 Comment

Marriage on the Mend is a must-have book for couples who are trying to restore broken marriagesDO MIRACLES HAPPEN? Can marriages reconcile when it looks almost impossible for it to happen? YES, and the story of Clint and Penny Bragg proves the point.

But how the reconciliation takes place and how the marriage is mended  becomes an important part of this story. Clint and Penny’s book, Marriage on the Mend, Healing Your Marriage after Crisis, Separation or Divorce, is a must-have book for couples who are trying to restore broken marriages. And co-author Penny Bragg is here to tell you more about both their story and their book.

In our Marriage 911 classes, we have often  invited Clint and Penny to share their amazing story of reconciliation, and each time they come, they provide new hope for couples who thought their marriages might be over. However, in addition to their story, Clint and Penny’s book, Marriage on the Mend gives couples the tools to actually put their marriages back together, brick by brick, after they make the decision to reconcile.

Linda: Penny, you have an extraordinary testimony of reconciliation. After your divorce, did you ever think it would be possible to remarry each other?

Penny: Neither of us ever imagined God would reconcile our marriage. We had been divorced for over a decade and had absolutely NO contact with each other during those years. And when we say, “no contact,” we mean it. We had not spoken since the day our divorce papers were notarized citing, “Irreconcilable differences have caused the permanent breakdown of our marriage.” Once that happened, we each went our separate ways.

Early Married Life and How it All Unraveled

Linda: Were you Christians when you were married back in 1989?

Penny: Yes, we were Christians. We were married in the church and had a beautiful ceremony. However, we had no clue how to be married. We thought if we loved God and each other, that was enough. We were not mature enough in our faith to realize that we were going to have to work hard to have a good marriage. We also didn’t want to tell anyone we were struggling because we were in leadership positions in the church.

Linda: Yes, I’m afraid that can easily happen to people in leadership. Tell me though, were there specific issues that led up to your separation and divorce?

Penny: Yes, we can look back at it all now and see it so clearly. We both had a ton of baggage from our childhoods and secrets we never shared with one another. Those things seemed to subtly crawl out from under the carpet and creep in between us. We had gone on a mission trip together after our first year of marriage and when we came back, that’s when the division started. We couldn’t really put our finger on what was wrong. Clint could feel me pulling away, but we didn’t have good communication skills to work through things. He started getting worried because I was spending a lot of time away from our house and away from him. He confronted me about an affair, but I denied it.

Linda: Did you attempt to reconcile after you were separated?

Penny: I was the one who walked out. I wasn’t being honest with Clint. I was being unfaithful to him and to God. Clint tried to do all the right things to reconcile, but I would have NONE of it. The more he pursued me, the more I ran away. When he showed up unexpectedly at my workplace, I threw my wedding ring across the room at him. It was ugly. I was ugly. I closed my Bible and I closed my heart. I understand now that I had never really let Jesus heal all the wounds from my childhood and that I took out all that pain on Clint. He now understands that he was doing the same thing to me.

Reconciliation and Remarriage

Linda: I’ve heard you share your amazing story of how God started the ball of reconciliation rolling. Would you share with our readers what happened?

Penny: Unbeknownst to either of us at the time, God had paralleled our lives during our eleven years apart. But, He never allowed us to intersect. What we didn’t know was that we had both recommitted our lives to Christ after wandering our own paths away from Him. We finally let Him reach down and touch all the wounds in our hearts. I was working with a Christian counselor, trying to heal and bring closure to things in my life that I had broken through sin. The LAST thing on my list was contacting Clint, even though he should have been at the top. I was too scared after all I had done to him. I had NO intention to try and reconcile, just to heal and confess the truth to him. I also wanted to ask his forgiveness and apologize for what I had done.

Linda: The rest of the details of your incredible reconciliation are in your book, Marriage on the Mend, right? Tell me more about your remarriage and your book.

Penny: Yes, Marriage on the Mend—Healing Your Relationship After Crisis, Separation, or Divorce, Authors Clint and Penny Bragg(Kregel, 2015) contains our story. But it also covers the first five years of our remarriage to each other. Once we remarried in 2002, we had a mountain of consequences to overcome. People tend to think that you just reconcile and then cross it off your list. WRONG. Reconciliation is something we work on every day. We’ve now been remarried for almost 13 years. We’ve learned over and over again that reconciliation is not about following a recipe, it’s about following Jesus Christ. God did not allow us to have contact with each other until we had both reconciled our relationships with Him.

Tools for Reconciling

Linda: What great insight! So often, couples want to just repair the marriage itself, but until their hearts are right with God, it’s hard for them to get their hearts right with each other. What would you say are the main tools that have helped you build a strong marriage the second time around?

Penny: There are many tools that have helped us along the way. During our first remarriage conflict, God really got our attention. We didn’t want to fail at our marriage again. We were desperate for Him. We also didn’t have any counselor or books that seemed to meet our needs. But, we had both established a strong relationship with God which included meeting with Him alone daily. That is the most important thing in our remarriage that has made all the difference. In addition, we never leave the house without praying together in the morning first. We also meet together once-a-week to read the Word and pray together. Having prayer/accountability partners is another must in our marriage. Those people have permission to call us on the carpet when needed. They are our marriage advocates. We also get away with God each quarter to really talk about the deeper issues in our marriage, to seek Him together, set goals, and assess our progress. All of these tools have drastically cut down the conflict in our marriage.

Linda: What are some of the hardest issues you think couples must deal with after they reconcile?

Penny: Unforgiveness and bitterness over past mistakes seems to plague most couples who reconcile. The key is learning to accept forgiveness and reconciliation as a PROCESS…an ongoing process that takes time and effort. In addition, couples must learn a way out of the cycle or revolving door that gets them stuck in the same offense or argument over and over again. We have several tools in our book to address these issues.

Linda: Tell me about the QR codes in Marriage on the Mend and why you wanted to integrate video into the reading experience.

Penny: As former educators in the public school system, we know how important it is to model the things that are taught. People need to see tools and concepts in action to understand how to apply them. We were thrilled when our publisher, Kregel, suggested we take all the video podcasts we had made and link them right into the book using QR codes. That way, as you read you can scan the QR code with your Smartphone or tablet and see a visual demonstration of each tool. There are 40 podcasts connected and threaded into Marriage on the Mend. We also posted all those videos on the Internet so people can access them for free, even if they haven’t read the book. They can also be accessed through our website http://www.InverseMinistriesPodcast.org or on our Marriage on the Mend YouTube channel. https://www.youtube.com/user/MarriageontheMend

Advice for the Separated or Divorced

Linda: A number of the people reading this may be separated or divorced. What advice would you give?

Penny: Focus on strengthening your individual relationship with God daily. We designed some free resources to help you do that, including our “Give God 40 Days” devotional. We also have a resource entitled, “Do the Desert Well,” which encourages you with specific ways to allow God to change and heal your heart. Just e-mail us at reconcile@inverseministries.org and we are more than happy to send these to you. We also have a set of 40 scripture/prayer cards to deepen your prayer life. We know how painful the journey is for those who feel like their spouse or ex-spouse is showing NO signs of reconciliation. That’s why we created so many resources to walk alongside those who feel like there is no hope. If God can reconcile our marriage, He can reconcile ANY marriage!

Linda: Where can people find out more about your book, Marriage on the Mend?

Penny: Our website has all the information about this book and others we’ve written about marriage, including what others are saying and an informational video. http://www.InverseMinistries.org.

Share
Filed Under: BOOKS, Divorce, Expectations, forgiveness, Hope, How to win, Infidelity, Interviews, marriage, Marriage problems, marriage resources, Reconciliation, Uncategorized Tagged With: , , , , , , , , , ,

More about Unwrapping the New You

March 15, 2021 by Leave a Comment

Photo by Niclas Gustafsson

A TIME OF WAITING, a time of uncertainty causes us to look for new answers to life.  Part of that is to discover more about who we are and who we want to be.

Some of that self-discovery is inward as we look to God to help us make changes. But some of it might take an outward focus too as we navigate through relationship challenges.

If you are reading my book, Fighting for Your Marriage while Separated, the chapter “Unwrapping the New You” holds some important truths about experiencing the joy of becoming the person God created you to be. In this post, I want to add additional strategies for those of you fighting for your marriage as you go through this period of change. God created us as physical beings, and along with the deeper changes we are making, there are practical ones as well that can contribute to finding victory at the other end of this journey.

Changing Things Up 

We humans seem to be wired to enjoy change every now and then. We go along with things a certain way and then want to spice things up. That can apply to our marriages too, particularly a marriage that has gone stale or veered off course into brokenness or crisis. Doing something new for our marriage relationships can add a little pizzazz, and during a separation it might get a drifting mate’s attention.

So in addition to allowing God to make changes in your character, attitude and actions, you might also consider making some practical changes that stretches who you are. Your purpose is to become the fullest, most vibrant version of who God created you to be. Don’t make the mistake of trying to become who your spouse wants you to be. That’s not you. You want to become the person God wants you to be. You are a unique person, created by God to be His special child. Fulfilling His most complete vision of you is a tribute and honor to Him as well as a gratifying achievement for you. During this time of waiting, while you are exploring God’s heart and purpose for you, it’s your opportunity to spread your wings to mount up like eagles to discover more of God’s purpose in who you are individually as you seek to become the new you.

In doing this, you might want to try taking some fresh new approaches not typical of you, something unexpected. Think outside the box. Expand your interests and try new things. Read some interesting new books or take a course at the university. Consider taking up a new hobby, getting an interesting new job, or venturing out in a bold new direction. The interesting side effect can be that your spouse may take a second look. You might even consider taking a trip to a destination that causes your spouse to sit up and take notice. “You’re going there?  Hmmm, interesting.”

Fighting for your marriage during a separation encompasses every aspect of life on every level. We are fighting Satan who comes to “kill, steal and destroy.” His tactics are numerous, and he takes advantage of every loophole he can find. So as a marriage warrior you need to be vigilant; you need to be wise . . .  and you need to be creative. When Jesus sent his disciples out into the world, He said He was sending them out “as sheep among wolves,” and He instructed them to be “shrewd as snakes and innocent as doves” (Matt: 10:16 NIV).  We take instruction from this as well.

When we are following God and fighting a battle in enemy territory, we too are as “sheep among wolves.”  We need discernment and we need to allow God to lead us creatively as we tiptoe through the minefields of separation.

In her book, The Divorce Remedy Michelle Weiner Davis reminds her readers, “You are competing with your spouse’s fantasy of an ideal life without problems, or perhaps even a real-life affair.” So as a marriage warrior, your goal is to win your spouse’s heart away from Satan’s snares and give him or her a loving and alluring dose of God’s very best.

Practical Upgrades for the New You

When we dig down into some Old Testament stories, we can glean wonderful tidbits of practical wisdom.

In the story of Ruth, Naomi wanted her daughter-in-law to win over her relative Boaz, who had been kind to her, so he would marry her and take care of her. When she gave Ruth some personal advice about making herself attractive, Ruth listened to her mother-in-law’s recommendations. “Now do as I tell you,” Naomi said, “take a bath and put on perfume and dress in your nicest clothes. Then go to the threshing floor, but don’t let Boaz see you until he has finished eating and drinking” (Ruth 3:3 NLT).

As a woman of faith, Naomi was confident her advice to her daughter-in-law was consistent with God’s plan. Encouraging Ruth to make herself more attractive was not intended to manipulate but arouse Boaz’s affection. As a result of Ruth following Naomi’s instructions, Boaz not only married Ruth, but their child became the grandfather of David and was directly in the lineage of Jesus.

In the book of Esther, when Esther wanted to save her people, she did not immediately go to her husband the king and ask for what she wanted. First, she made herself attractive to him, she made him a banquet, and she made him wonder. Even during the first banquet, instead of letting him know what she wanted, she invited him to another feast before revealing what was on her heart. She aroused his curiosity and made him more interested.

Lessons from Ruth and Esther

What lessons can we learn from Ruth and Esther?

Make yourself attractive. Both Ruth and Esther made an extra effort to fix themselves up. For women, you might want to refresh the way you fix your hair, get a stylish new outfit or two, or lose a little weight.  And for men, here’s a news flash. Women like men to look attractive too. So think about your weight as well and wear a nice shirt and neatly pressed pants when you are planning to see your wife.

  • Do we sometimes overlook the importance of the sense of smell? The first thing Naomi said to Ruth is, “Take a bath.” Make sure you bathe regularly, wear clean, fresh smelling clothes, and keep your breath sweet.
  • Be honest with yourself. Look in the mirror. Do you need to shed a few pounds? If so, start a healthy weight loss plan like Weight Watchers instead of a fad diet that merely puts you on a yo-yo cycle of losing/gaining weight.
  • Have you let yourself go over the years? Would a new hair style help? Scan some fashion magazines or talk to a hair stylist to get some ideas.
  • If you’re a woman, you might want to get a facial and freshen up your makeup. If you’re a man, maybe shape up your beard.
  • Think about the style and color of your clothes. Choose outfits that are appropriate for your body type and age. Select colors that complement your skin tone and hair color and bring out the color of your eyes.
  1. Be less predictable and less available. By holding off in telling him what she wanted, Esther aroused the king’s curiosity.  She awakened his interest and kept him coming back for more to see what she was up to.

Because you’re trying to win back your spouse’s heart, you may find yourself becoming co-dependent, trying to please him or her at every turn by doing what they want, when they want it, and how they want it. Instead, let God guide you in your reactions and decisions regarding your spouse. Like Esther, you may want to add variety to your responses and not be too predictable. Be the unique person that you are. And if you’re not sure what that means, let God guide you through His Word as He allows you to unwrap your uniqueness and individuality through your discovery of the gifts He has placed in your heart and hands.

God knows you inside and out.   “Psalm 139: 13 and 16 says, “You created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother’s womb. . . All the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be.” The God who created you, loves you and wants you to be the best YOU you can be, and He knows just how to do it. When you ask Him for wisdom about how to become the new you He has wanted you to be from the beginning, He will show you.

To read more about how to unwrap the new you, my book, Fighting for Your Marriage while Separated, will help you look at yourself in new ways so at the end of this journey you can be proud of the person you have become whether or not your marriage is reconciled.

Share
Filed Under: Divorce, Feeling unworthy, Hope, How to win, marriage, Marriage problems, New Directions, Reconciliation, Uncategorized, weight problems Tagged With: , , , , , , , , ,

Change Me First, Then Heal My Marriage

March 4, 2021 by 3 Comments

EACH YEAR DURING OUR CRISIS MARRIAGE CLASSES, participants from former years come to share their stories. One year, after we had dismissed to our small groups, I asked the women what they wanted to see happen in the coming weeks of class. One woman said, “I’ve seen all these couples come and tell us how their marriages have been restored, and one thing every one of them has said is that God changed them first, and then He healed their marriage. So I want to see how God wants to change me.”

Her perceptive comment impressed me greatly. And in the following weeks, I saw her listen to every word, ponder every idea, question what she didn’t understand, and own her mistakes as God opened her eyes to see them. Throughout our time together, she readily allowed God to make changes in her. Although her husband had initially said he wanted a divorce and had no interest in reconciling, a year later he decided to come to the class also, and their marriage was restored.

Change? What Me?

When crisis tears a marriage apart, something in the marriage is broken, and change is needed. Most people agree, but believe the change needs to happen in THE OTHER PERSON. And once they realize they can’t control or change their spouse, they believe the situation is hopeless.

But there is one person you do have control over. There is one person you can change. And that is YOU. Instead of focusing on your spouse’s faults and their contributions to the problems in your marriage, focus on your own.

Often we have blind spots when it comes to our own deficiencies, and we just don’t see them.  They are hidden from our eyes, buried beneath our personal assumptions, generational patterns of behavior, personal pride, and accumulated life experiences.  Scripture addresses this truth in Luke 6:42.

“how can you say to your brother, ‘Brother, let me remove the speck that is in your eye,’ when you yourself DO NOT SEE the plank that is in your own eye? . . . First remove the plank from your own eye, and THEN YOU WILL SEE CLEARLY to remove the speck that is in your brother’s eye.” (Emphasis added.)

How Do We Start?

So it all begins with you and your heavenly Father as you trust him to show you the truths about yourself. If you are willing to let God take you down a path of change, you may be surprised at the revelations He will show you on your journey. As you peer into the mirror of God’s Word with a humble spirit, one by one you may begin to see shortcomings in your own life that need change. These may include projected assumptions from past wounds that still need healing, negative approaches in your communication, reactions you have that demonstrate unhealthy attitudes, or ingrained outlooks or mindsets that are contrary to what pleases God.

By spending time in prayer, reading the Bible, listening to Christian radio and podcasts, reading Christian books and articles, and talking with Christian friends, the Lord can reveal to you your part in the marital breakdown and help you make changes that may eventually restore your relationship.

One thing to keep in mind, however, is that your intention is not to modify your behavior just to please your spouse, but to transform yourself into the person God created you to be.

God has plans for you. His desire is to draw you ever closer to Himself and grow you into a new and stronger person. You are His precious child, and a marital crisis may be the vehicle He uses to refine you into the person He first envisioned you to be.

“Do not conform any longer to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God’s will is—his good, pleasing and perfect will” (Romans 12:12).

To learn more about some of the changes you can make that will impact your marriage and potentially turn your marriage around, you can find help for a troubled marriage in my book, Fighting for Your Marriage while Separated.

 

Share
Filed Under: God's Word, Hope, Marital separation, marriage, Marriage problems, Reconciliation, Time with God, Trusting God Tagged With: , , , , , , ,

Unfaithful: Hope & Healing after Infidelity – Interview with Co-Author, Mona Shriver

February 24, 2021 by Leave a Comment

WHEN INFIDELITY INVADES the sacred protection of marriage, shock waves strike at the very foundation of the relationship. The revelation brings unbelievable pain, and many marriages don’t survive. But they can. There is hope. According to Mona and Gary Shriver, authors of Unfaithful: Hope & Healing after Infidelity, a marriage can heal from the trauma of infidelity and eventually thrive once again.

For them, this isn’t just a theory. It’s personal. They have lived both the devastation and the recovery. And Mona is here to share from her heart what she learned from this experience and what she can now pass onto others about the hope and healing that is possible. Their story and their book, Unfaithful, is one I regularly recommend to those in our classes, and I am so pleased to be able to introduce her to you today.

Linda: Mona, I know your book, Unfaithful: Hope & Healing after Infidelity, is based on your personal story, and that you and your husband went through adultery in your own marriage. What led you to share such a deeply personal journey?

Mona: I was absolutely blind sighted by Gary’s admission of being unfaithful. I never, ever thought this could happen to us. Never thought Gary would be capable of such a thing.

Gary and I had been married twenty years. Happily, I thought. We had three active boys between the ages of seven and fourteen. Life was busy. We were Christians. We were best friends. The revelation of his adultery made me question everything I thought I knew, including myself. Gary wanted to save our marriage and I knew that was in line with God’s word. But frankly, I didn’t believe for one minute that we could heal. I knew our marriage was over, but I also knew I had to “try” so that when we did divorce, I could say we tried.

What I learned, what we learned, during that process was the reason we wrote Unfaithful. I learned that you can rebuild, or even build anew, a marriage with love, trust, intimacy and respect after infidelity. What we call a healthy marriage. It can be done. God can do it if you’ll both follow Him in the rebuilding. It was the hardest thing either of us has ever done but we are so glad we did.

Most people don’t believe that. That’s because all we normally see are marriages that didn’t heal. We had been told couples healed but when I asked to speak with someone who had done it, no one could be found. Later our counselor asked us to be that couple for someone else.

That’s how Hope & Healing Ministries began. The four of us met for a while, then began working alongside couples in our support groups. As we watched what God was doing for these marriages, the book just had to be written so others could hear the same words of hope.

Linda: You said marriages can heal from infidelity. People can heal. Tell my readers how that can actually happen. What does it take?   

Mona: We tell couples only two things are required to start the healing process. First is a willingness to try. Both of you willing to work together to try and heal. This doesn’t mean you really believe you can do it. I didn’t. You may not know how you feel about the person you’re married to right now. Very understandable. It just means you’ll try.

That meant I would first commit to God. Sitting at God’s feet, seeking His guidance, being willing to do things His way.

The bottom line was that it wasn’t about what I had done or hadn’t done—blame. It wasn’t about trying to control my spouse or making sure our efforts were “even.” It wasn’t about making anybody happy. And it wasn’t about single handedly saving a marriage or manipulating healing. It was about being the person God created me to be whether I remained married or became single. It was about doing my part and not settling for anything less than real healing.

The second requirement is transparent honesty. Answering questions honestly. Expressing what you think and feel as best you can with as much kindness and respect as possible. This is not the time to acquiesce without input. Honesty sets the foundation for healing, and without it, the work you think you’ve done will crumble when the dishonesty is exposed. And everything counts right now. This is hard stuff, and sometimes you have the opportunity to apologize for how you communicated a truth. But as you continue to work together, you can learn how to better communicate. This is where support and a good Christian counselor can help you with new and better tools. We sure didn’t know what to do or how to do it. Some of us need to speak up more. Some of us need to be quiet more. Both of us need to listen. And treat each other with respect, not because they “deserve it” but because God asked us to treat all people with respect.

Linda: Someone might say, “I’m not sure I want to save this marriage.” Now what?

Mona: The revelation of adultery is comparable to the sudden death of someone you love. It is a trauma and it is that big. It overwhelms your ability to adapt. There are physiological changes in your brain that effect how you process information. You’re a mess—emotionally, physically, and spiritually. That means this is not the best time to make major life changing decisions.

So what do you do? Focus on healing. Even if you separate, the healing is still the focus. There is a wound and it’s huge. It needs to heal. And if your spouse is willing to work through that healing process with you, then that can make your healing a bit easier.

If you have children, this person will continue to be a part of your life whether or not the marriage heals. Your children have two parents and no amount of anger or bitterness will change that. In fact, those most hurt by unhealed wounds are the children. So go ahead and invest the time and effort towards healing. Your kids are worth it.

You can focus on healing because you really have nothing more to lose. Your life is already in chaos. The truth is that the quickest way out of this pain and to feeling good about life again is to heal. There is a third choice beside giving up (divorce) and giving in (staying in a miserable relationship) and that is to heal. As the healing progresses you will be better prepared to consider those life changing decisions.

Linda: How long does it take to heal from infidelity? 

Mona: The truly honest answer is that it takes as long as it takes. It takes until both of you agree the healing is complete.

So what does a healed marriage look like? How do you know when it’s done? As you work through the process, gain some understanding, grieve that which was lost, and resurrect that which is necessary, the acute pain goes away. You will never forget—that is impossible. But it will not dominate your thoughts or control your life like it does in the beginning. It will become a sad memory. But we all live with sad memories in our lives—that doesn’t mean we quit living.

Healing is complete when both of you feel you can approach your spouse with anything. Now that doesn’t mean all your talks are fun—we are still human beings after all. The point is to listen to each other and treat each other with respect and kindness even if we don’t agree so we can reach decisions with which we can both live.

The realization that we were fully healed came in retrospect. It happened so slowly I missed the moment. That was okay.

Linda: What else can help couples heal from adultery? 

Mona: Educate yourself on this process of healing. Unfortunately, not all therapists and pastors agree on the best way to heal from adultery. That can not only be confusing it can make it more difficult. We have several recommendations on our website at Hope & Healing Ministries. hopeandhealingministries.us

We also have a free resource available that might be a good place to start. The Crisis Support Booklet offers ten foundational truths in bite-sized pieces about adultery recovery with encouragement from others who have walked this path. Go to the website, click “Couples Support”, click “Infidelity Recovery” and scroll down to “Crisis Support Booklet.” Each person will benefit from having their own copy.

Linda: Is there anything else you’d like to share with our readers? 

Mona: There is so much more I wish I could share. So many have questions on forgiveness, trust and so much more. Unfortunately not all can be addressed here. But you can find answers that will aid your journey to healing.

Oswald Chambers says this. “It is not true to say that God wants to teach us something in our trials. Through every cloud He brings our way, He wants us to unlearn something”. I found this so true in the journey of our healing. I had some “unlearning” to do.

This healing journey is not easy but it is so worth it. Gary nor I are the same people we were before we went through the healing process to rebuild our marriage. And quite frankly, we’re glad. We like ourselves and each other a whole lot more.

You don’t have to go through this alone. There are resources out there to help you. We encourage you to seek and access the resources you need. May the Lord give you the wisdom and the strength to complete the journey.

Linda: Speaking of resources, how can your book Unfaithful help couples who decide they want to try to work through the healing after infidelity takes place in their marriage?

Mona: Our book, Unfaithful: Hope and Healing after Infidelity is written from the perspective of a couple who has been through adultery recovery. By switching back and forth between the perspective of the betrayer and the one betrayed, the book helps couples better understand each other’s experience as they move through the process of healing.

This book conveys some common elements of the healing process along with Biblical principles to help guide readers through recovery. There is also a section on emotional affairs. When the book was revised we were able to add a lot of what we’d learned from the experts and from the hundreds of couples we’ve been privileged to walk alongside. And at the end of each chapter we’ve included discussion questions that can be a great way to begin addressing the issues couples face as they work through their recovery.

Linda: I know in the past you’ve also had marriage intensives for couples after infidelity. Please tell us about them and what you’re doing currently.

Mona: We will always talk with and support couples as long as we’re breathing so we’re not quitting ministry, but we are making changes to the method in which we deliver it. We did Weekend Intensives from 2010 through 2019 and had basically decided to cease offering those when COVID hit. So we’re spending this time making videos of what we consider to be our most important sessions from those weekends. They are filmed and currently being edited so should be available within a few months. Gary just happens to be a professional audio video engineer so he’s just beginning the editing portion of this project. These will also be available on YouTube. We’ll be notifying those on our email list when they’re ready.

Linda: How can people find out more about you, your book Unfaithful, and your ministry?

Mona: People can reach out to us by going to our website, http://hopeandhealing.us.

Share
Filed Under: Adultery, BOOKS, Divorce, forgiveness, Hope, Infidelity, Interviews, marriage, Marriage problems, Reconciliation, Uncategorized Tagged With: , , , , , , , , , , ,

The Challenge of Letting Go

February 17, 2021 by Leave a Comment

Photo by Zac Durant

RESTORING A BROKEN MARRIAGE RELATIONSHIP encompasses a number of steps and heart changes along the way. But as I’ve walked beside people over the years, the most important one that takes place in an individual’s heart prior to the marriage actually being restored is when the one fighting for the marriage is able to truly let go and give it to God.

It’s hard to do though, and it’s not easy to understand.

I talk about it a lot, and as I think about it today, I remember a conversation I had years ago at a get-together with some women who were struggling through marital separation. One of the women whose marriage had already made tremendous progress toward healing, began talking about the importance of “letting go.”

The young woman beside me knit her brow with a perplexed expression and frowned. “I get right to the point of being able to let go,” she said, pinching her fingers together as though about to drop something, “and then . . . I just can’t do it.”

The woman next to her nodded. “That’s right. Me too. That’s how I am.”

An Image from The Lord of the Rings

My husband Marv and I had recently watched all three DVD’s of The Lord of the Rings movie, and as my friend spoke, my mind immediately conjured up the image of Frodo standing on the cliff at the end of the movie. He holds his hand over the edge of the precipice with the ring dangling at the end of the chain. Beneath, is the raging fire which has been his destination all through the movie. It is the one place where he can release the ring, see it destroyed, and with it destroy the evil that is taking over Middle Earth. All he has to do is release the ring and freedom can reign once again.

“That reminds me of the ending of The Lord of the Rings,” I said. “All through the movie Frodo has been besieged by the evil that the ring has brought to Middle Earth. He has witnessed again and again the destructive power of the ring and how it corrupts those who lust over it.  He’s seen the damage, the death, the devastation that it causes. And with amazing strength of character, he has persevered through all of that. He’s survived the struggle, the hardship, the temptation. He’s been willing to traverse the darkest lands and oppressive terrains and he’s endured the threats of horrendous creatures in order to get to the mountain where he can destroy the evil.  But when he gets to the very end, when he’s finally there, he stands at the edge of the cliff, dangling the ring at the end of the chain. He stares at it, but can’t let go.

Sam yells to him, “Let it GO! Just let GO!”

But he can’t.

The seductive power of the ring has taken hold.”

The Trouble with Surrendering and Letting Go

As we continued to talk that evening about the challenge of letting go, I shared with my friends how The Lord of the Rings presents a perfect visual image of the struggle we have with surrendering everything to God.

Like Frodo, we don’t want to lose control. The ring of power holds us captive. Even though it means our fleshly nature will reign instead of God’s will, we can’t put it all in God’s hands. The desire to be in control holds sway over us—especially when we’re afraid that if we let go, God might not do what we want Him to do.

How many times have I seen or heard from a woman or man whose greatest desire is to reunite with their spouse? They’ve gone through the anguish, they’ve suffered hardship to get things to change. But they are unable to surrender to God to let Him take care of it. We want to do it by ourselves, even though our own methods have already failed. We somehow think if we think about it enough, talk about it enough, remind our spouse enough times, things will somehow change. We’re locked in a pattern where we keep repeating the same actions. We’re traveling in circles, or worse, we’re pushing our spouse further away. We’re afraid if we put it in God’s hands, He’ll do something we won’t like. The fear of losing control, the desire to do it our own way keeps us in bondage. We can’t let go.

But God, who created us, who created our world, who is omnipotent and sees everything . . . understands what is happening; He has answers we don’t have. He knows our spouse inside and out, just like he also knows us. He can “work all things together for good to those who love Him and are called according to His purpose*” if we can surrender it all to Him and let go of having to control it ourselves.

First, however, we have to summon the inner strength to follow through so we can let go and trust Him. He is the Good that will banish evil. He is the Light that will shine in the darkness. He is the Word of God who will enlighten our understanding and point us in the right direction.

So as we stand on that precipice, holding that ring of power, we have to have the will, the faith, the strength to let it go.

Proverbs 3:5-6 tells us to, “Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make your paths straight.”

Seek first the kingdom of God and his righteousness and all these things will be added unto you (Mathew 6:33).

*(Rom. 8:28)

If your marriage is in trouble and you need to know how to fight for it, letting go is an important part of experiencing the victory. My books, Broken Heart on Hold and Fighting for Your Marriage while Separated can show you the path through the labyrinth of confusion so you can find the hope God has for you.

Nest week: Perhaps the hardest issue of all–infidelity.

Share
Filed Under: Divorce, faith, Hope, How to win, Letting go, Love, Marital separation, marriage, Marriage problems, Reconciliation, Surrendering to God, Trusting God, Trying to understand Tagged With: , , , , , , , ,

Women, Do You Know How to Fight for and Save Your Marriage?

February 10, 2021 by Leave a Comment

Photo by Kristina V

STORIES CAN SOMETIMES BE A BETTER TEACHING TOOL than mere words of instruction. So today, for you women who want to save your marriage, I want to tell you the story of Wendy. This is a sad story, but sometimes sad stories can show us the way to happier endings.

When Wendy’s husband left, her world fell apart. She never saw it coming. Her husband had been a loving and caring provider. Now suddenly, he said he was leaving. Her mind spun in confusion as she watched him pack up his things. Her heart raced.

“Where are you going?” she asked. “Why are you doing this?”

He shook his head and nuzzled the head of their dog, then headed toward the door.

She grabbed his arm. “I don’t understand. Why are you leaving? When are you coming back?”

“I’m sorry. I just can’t do this anymore. I need a break.”

As he reached for the door handle, tears began streaming down her face. “I can’t believe you’re doing this! Why are you leaving? Where are you going?”

“I’m sorry. I’ll give you a call.” The door closed firmly behind him and soon she heard the car engine roar to life. From the window, she watched his truck pull out of the driveway and head down the street. Wendy stood watching for a moment in shock, then collapsed on the couch.

For the next several days, Wendy walked around like one of the living dead. Her mind was in a fog. She was heartbroken. She called a couple of her friends. They were shocked too, but didn’t know what to say. She called her husband on the phone, hoping he would explain, but his answers were vague and unsettling. She suggested counseling, but he said he couldn’t do it right now. He wouldn’t know what to say.

With the shock and heartbreak of her husband’s sudden departure, Wendy’s reactions were very normal at this point.

But after the initial pain, she had a choice. What direction would she take from this point forward?

A Wrong Direction

Wendy could not push back the pain of her emotions and they began to spiral out of control. Her mind spun in every direction with fears, anger, regrets. For days she’d lie in bed, too depressed to even get up to dress and comb her hair or take calls from friends who wanted to help. The best she could do was nibble on some crackers, feed the dog and let him out in the backyard when he needed to go outside. She could think of nothing except the terrible pain her husband was causing her, and as her emotions changed from day to day—sometimes from hour to hour—she called her husband. Sometimes she called to beg him to come home, other times she sobbed on the phone, asking what was to become of her. More than once, she sent long texts lashing out at him, accusing him, berating him, telling him what a terrible person he was.

“How can you do this to me? How can you treat me this way!” she asked. She called mutual friends and asked them to call too.

Finally, one of Wendy’s friends suggested she take a class at church for those whose marriages were in crisis. Wendy went, and for the first time, she experienced hope.

A New Opportunity

She was told if she wanted to save her marriage, “you need to give your husband space – to put your husband on the back burner and focus on God.” Leaders told her to pray for her husband, say positive things to him when they had contact, and refrain from criticizing him. This was a time for her to put aside all expectations from her husband and simply be a giving, positive friend to him. She was even encouraged to take care of herself and do things she enjoyed without her husband. The other women in her group were dealing with similar situations, and she found the group atmosphere to be encouraging.

She began doing many of the things she was told to do, and her husband began to respond in positive ways. He even began dropping by the house on occasion, admitting to her that he still loved her but felt suffocated by her neediness.

She tried to put into practice the things they talked about in her class, but it was hard. In fact, one thing she just couldn’t do. The women were told to “let go” of their spouses, not to expect anything from them, and trust God with their emotions. She just didn’t understand how to do this. She loved her husband. She wanted him back. She wanted him to love her. She couldn’t let go of him and tell God she would be alright if her husband didn’t come back. She knew for a fact that she wouldn’t be alright if her husband didn’t come back. She needed her husband in her life. Yes, God was good and powerful, but He wasn’t a substitute for her husband. She couldn’t take a chance on letting go of her husband.

One evening her husband came over to visit, but instead of focusing on her and talking with her, all he did was play with their golden retriever. Her initial pain of abandonment returned. Self-pity took hold. But instead of taking her feelings to God to lay the pain at his feet, she just couldn’t keep from saying what was on her mind. “You love the dog more than me,” she complained to her husband.

Her husband didn’t respond but continued playing with the dog.

Although Wendy knew the importance of letting go and keeping things positive when she spent time with her husband, once again her emotions pulled her off balance. She couldn’t resist expressing her dissatisfaction with her husband’s lack of attention. The need for her husband’s love and affirmation held her hostage to her emotions. Her neediness was driving him away. Surrendering her pain to God would have released her from her obsession, providing God the opportunity to breathe a new sense of freedom, love, and commitment into her husband’s heart. But she couldn’t let go and slowly lapsed back into her former pattern of accusing him and pleading with him to come home.

Eventually, her husband stopped coming by. He went days without returning calls and texts. Her broken heart lay in pieces as the relationship slowly ebbed away.

Doesn’t Have To Be This Way if You Want to Save Your Marriage

I hate these sad endings because I know there’s a better way. If you want to save your marriage, the answers lay in the hands of our loving Father. He has a plan for us. He knows where our path will lead. He knows our needs and the needs of our partners. And He can put it all together. But we have to trust Him. We have to lay it all at His feet. We need to surrender our spouses, our marriages, our circumstances, to Him and let Him take control. Then we need to step back, wait, and trust Him for His timing while staying tuned for His voice and following His lead when He tells us to act. While we wait, He will build us up and give us His strength so we are stronger than we were before, strong enough to handle whatever comes our way. Isaiah 40:31 assures us, “Those who wait on the Lord will renew their strength. They will mount up on wings like eagles. They will run and not grow weary. They will walk and not faint.”

There’s another story with a happier ending I invite you to read as well. A true story I posted on Heart Talk in the past . . . the story of Marta. If you want to see a story of success, a story where the woman took the right path, surrendered her marriage to God, and ended up restoring her marriage, Marta’s story is a story that will encourage you as you take steps to save your own marriage..

Yes, unfortunately, we need to acknowledge the fact that our marriages may not survive. We may not be able to save our marriage. Our spouses’ heart may not turn back. God allows them to have free will and make their own decisions. But when placing our situations in the hands of our loving Father, He will make all things new for us and give us a new beginning—either with our partner or by taking us down a new and equally fulfilling road that He prepares for us when we continue to follow His lead.

“I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope ad a future.” Jeremiah 29:11.

Next week: The Challenge of Letting Go

If you want to save your marriage, I encourage you to get my book, Fighting for Your Marriage while Separated. It will walk you step by step through the labyrinths of this difficult journey so you can find the happy ending you are looking for.

Share
Filed Under: Divorce, Expectations, faith, Fear, Hope, How to win, Letting go, Marital separation, marriage, Marriage problems, New Years, Reconciliation, Surrendering to God, Trusting God, Uncategorized Tagged With: , , , , , , , , , , ,
« Previous Page
Next Page »
Return to top of page · Copyright © 2024 Linda Rooks All Rights Reserved · Return to Linda Rooks