When God Says “No”

May 15, 2019 by 15 Comments

When our world is rocked with crisis and we cry out to God, what do we do when the answer we seem to get from Him is not what we want to hear?  How do we respond when God says “no?”

Award winning author and speaker Janet McHenry has an answer for us, and I asked her to share with us her answers to this question. For in her new book, The Complete Guide to the Prayers of Jesus: What Jesus Prayed and How It Will Change Your Life Today, she tells us how the very prayers that Jesus prayed can teach us how to respond when we hear that disappointing “no.”

So I’m going to turn “Heart Talk” over to Janet today. If you leave a comment for Janet, I will enter your name in a drawing for her new book, The Complete Guide to the Prayers of Jesus, published by Bethany House.

When God Says “No”

by Janet McHenry

One of the toughest things to handle as a Christian is how to respond when God says “No.”

We know that every prayer for healing is not answered.

Every prayer to be saved from bankruptcy is not answered.

Every prayer to save a marriage is not answered.

So . . . what are we to believe about prayer in those contexts? And what are we to believe about God?

After all, didn’t God say in Jeremiah 33:3, “Call to me and I will answer you”?

In Psalm 37:4 God says, “Delight yourself in the Lord and he will give you the desires of your heart.”

And Jesus said, “I tell you the truth, my Father will give you whatever you ask in my name. Until now you have not asked for anything in my name. Ask and you will receive, and your joy will be complete” (John 16:23-24).

Yes, God answers all prayers in some way. Pastor and author Rick Warren has said, “God answers every single prayer. Now, he doesn’t answer them the way you’d like it every time, but it’s an answer. ‘No” is an answer. ‘Wait” is an answer. ‘Grow up’ is an answer. ‘In a little while’ is an answer. ‘In my way’ is an answer. God never leaves a prayer unanswered.”

So, okay, technically the answer was “no” . . . there was an answer, but how do we reconcile that no answer with the earlier scripture promises about fulfilling our heart’s desires and such? And then how do we as Christians respond?

Because I always turn to Jesus as my prayer mentor, I searched how he responded when the Father said “no” to him.

Jesus prayed what I called the two-sided coin prayer in one of my books many years ago: “Abba, Father, everything is possible for you. Take this cup from me. Yet not what I will, but what you will.”

On the one side of the coin: “Take this cup from me.”

On the other side of the coin: “Yet not what I will, but what you will.”

So, Jesus laid out his heart’s desire . . . and his Abba, his Father, said “no” . . . and Jesus headed to the Cross.

The next three of Jesus’s prayers, I believe, spell out how we can respond as Christians when we don’t see our prayers answered the way we’d like. These are the last three of Jesus’s ten prayers that we have—and all of them he said as he was hanging on the Cross.

Forgive 

The first of those three prayers is “Father, forgive them, for they do not know what they are doing” (Luke 23:34). So the first thing we can do is forgive.

Jesus was forgiving the soldiers who had nailed him to the Cross, but perhaps he also was forgiving Pontius Pilate and the Jewish officials and even Peter, who had denied him, and the rest of the disciples, who had vanished.

Years ago my rancher husband had seven cattle that died in a two-day blizzard. Six calves and an old bull had bedded down in a dry creek bed and gotten covered over. Despite those conditions, Craig was convicted of six felony animal abuse charges four years later. Because the judge refused to allow our key witness to testify—a UC Davis vet professor, the chief expert in the West on cattle—and refused to have a lot of important evidence admitted, we won a reversal in the California Court of Appeals, but we had a lot of forgiving to do. That case took six years out of our lives, as well as a lot of financial resources. But forgiveness isn’t about what we deserve; it’s kingdom work, and it’s what Jesus did, so we do it in obedience.

Lament 

The second thing we can do when God says “no” is lament. Lament means to cry out mournfully. And Jesus’s second prayer continues to give us insight about how to respond: “My God, my God, why have you forsaken me?” (Matt. 27:45-46).

Yes, go ahead and cry it out. God can take it. Not complain. But cry out in your pain.

This prayer above all others addresses the biggest, most-often asked question mankind has about God. WHY? Why does God allow suffering? Why must we fall into the hellholes of life? If God loves us so much, wouldn’t such a loving Father steer us around the intersections of pain? Couldn’t there be a better way?

Jesus used the word “forsaken.” He was deserted, dumped, abandoned . . . at least he humanly felt that way. But his being abandoned led to our being adopted. Just as an abandoned baby left at a church or a firehouse might be adopted by a young couple that had been praying for years, Jesus’ abandonment, led to our adoption.

It’s true that we might not always see the purpose in our suffering. We may never. Yes, life isn’t fair. And sometimes the WHY? question gets stuck in our hearts. It hurts. But we can control how we respond.  We can use our pain for others’ good, if we stop, look around, see others who are suffering in similar ways, and reach out to them to encourage and support them. We do not have to stay in that place of feeling forsaken. We can take practical steps to use our hurt to help others.

Submit  

In Jesus’s third prayer from the cross, we learn to submit. Scripture tells us “It was now about the sixth hour, and darkness came over the whole land until the ninth hour, for the sun stopped shining. And the curtain of the temple was torn in two. Jesus called out with a loud voice, ‘Father, into your hands I commit my spirit.’ And when he said this, he breathed his last” (Luke 23:44-46.

“Into your hands.” Wow, that could seem like a scary prayer, except that when we commit or submit ourselves to our heavenly Father fully, we are giving ourselves to the God who redeemed us, the One who adopted us, the one who loves us.

I know such relinquishment, because I saw this through my dad. Six months after he began noticing that he was having a hard time gripping a golf club anymore, he was diagnosed with amyotrophic lateral sclerosis—ALS—which destroys the nerve endings to the muscles until eventually the person cannot move, cannot breathe, cannot count on a heartbeat.

Although the doctors said he would have two to four years, he died five months after diagnosis. However, he not only showed other people how to live with faith; he showed others how to die with faith.

My dad had a quick wit, always turning a phrase and telling jokes. Even in his last hours he was still joking with those around him. The day before he passed away, he was still able to push the call button, so he called for the nurse, who came in and said, “Did you call me, Bob?”

He smiled and said, “Why would I call you Bob? Your name is Mary.”

You see, people, the world doesn’t need to see Christians living out their faith in prosperity and posting all the happy stuff on Facebook. They need to see us facing struggles with dignity, with faith, and with integrity. They need to see us thanking God despite our pain and struggles. They need to see us real and vulnerable, yes . . . but in a looking-up posture that shows that FAITH WORKS: that God is real in our lives, that he is worthy of our trust, and that it is our faith alone that sustains us in the Dark Night of the Soul.

Jesus’ prayers teach us how to respond when God says “no”: forgive, lament, and submit. But they show us something even more important: the ONE THING we need to remember about prayer. God himself is the bigger reason for prayer. He wants us to bring our needs before him. He wants us to offer praise and thanksgiving and confession, but even more than that, HE himself is the bigger reason for prayer. He wants us to develop our relationship with him, to be a bigger part of our daily, moment-by-moment life, drawing closer to him and learning more about his good character.

Prayer is not about finding pockets of time to say a few remote-controlled phrases. Prayer is about relationship—becoming closer to the One who created you and loves you, so that when God says “no,” you simply nod your head and know he still loves you, he is still in control, and he will walk you through the valley you’re in.

If you’d like a chance to receive a free copy of The Complete Guide to the Prayers of Jesus: What Jesus Prayed and How It will Change Your Life Today, please leave a comment below.

* * *

Janet McHenry is an award-winning speaker and the author of 24 books, including the best-selling PrayerWalk and her newest, The Complete Guide to the Prayers of Jesus: What Jesus Prayed and How It Will Change Your Life Today. You can see more about Janet, her speaking ministry, and her books at www.janetmchenry.com.

 

 

 

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When New Life Appears

May 8, 2019 by 5 Comments

This is what the Sovereign Lord says to these bones: I will make breath enter you, and you will come to life. Then you will know that I am the Lord. Ezekiel 37:5, 6b

When the city arborist stopped by to tell us they had received a grant to plant new trees in our neighborhood, we were delighted. We would receive two Shumard oaks, hearty ones that would grow tall and had a long life span, unlike our pretty laurel oaks that suffered so much in recent hurricanes.

The city planted the oaks, and someone came by regularly to pour water into the irrigation sacks around their trunks. However, a few weeks later the leaves on one of them started turning brown. Before long all the foliage on the tree appeared dead.

One evening when we went out for a walk, Marv said, “I wonder if they’ll take that tree out and bring us a new one,”

“Maybe we should call the city and let them know it’s dead,” I said. “It apparently never got a strong start.”

Each day we speculated about its prospects but didn’t make any calls, and the tree remained.

One morning Marv announced that a city truck came by and the driver again watered our new tree. We shook our heads and wondered why they were still watering a tree that was clearly dead. A few days later, however, when we stepped outside, we noticed a few green leaves at its base. The city continued watering it, and each evening as we went out to take our walk, we were astonished to see new life appear as green leaves continued to spread from the bottom to the top. In a few weeks, the entire tree was green once more. Our new Shumard oak was alive and growing.

“It’s amazing how that tree has come back to life,” Marv said. “You should use it in one of your stories. It would be a good analogy for marriages.”

When New Life Appears in a Marriage

It was, in fact, a good analogy for what had happened in our own marriage. For although at one time our marriage seemed dead, we gradually saw new life appear.

I remembered an afternoon thirteen years earlier at the beginning of what was to become our painful three-year separation. At this point, Marv and I hadn’t seen each other for two months, and the Christian couple he was staying with urged him to come talk to me. When I saw him at the door, I hoped it would be the beginning of reconciliation, but his downcast face quickly told me otherwise.

He slumped in the burgundy club chair he always sat in when we had our “talks.” I sat on the couch.

“I can’t tell you anything you want to hear,” he said dolefully.

My heart withered. I knew that meant he couldn’t say he loved me. I knew that meant he couldn’t say he wanted to reconcile our marriage. But, being a gentleman, he didn’t want to say the words. He didn’t want to hurt me more than he already had.

But I knew. The absence of words told me the ones left unsaid.

I plied him with questions, but he remained expressionless, and his answer stayed the same. When he left, I ran upstairs and collapsed on the bed, sobbing. I could see he felt our marriage was dead.

But like the Shumard oak, even though our marriage appeared to be dead, unbeknownst to either of us, a flicker of life still lingered.

As the months unfolded, each of us began allowing God to convict us of what we individually needed to do to change the dynamics between us. It took time, patience, and grace. But when we gave God the freedom to make us the new persons He wanted us to be, we began to see new life appear in our relationship. Our love returned, and we eventually reconciled.

A New Foundation of Love

Some time after we got back together, a sweet moment signaled that a new foundation of love had finally been rebuilt between us. I had removed the biscuits from the oven, placed the cookie sheet on the stove top, and begun placing the plump rolls onto the serving dish. The rich aroma of pot roast filled the kitchen. Feeling movement behind me, I turned.

Marv’s eyes sparkled as he looked at me. He leaned down and kissed me. “I love you,” he said warmly.

I wrapped my arms around his neck, and he held me tight. “I’m glad to be spending my life with you,” he said.

My heart danced as I gazed happily into his eyes. “Me too.”

Although the words “I love you” were common between us now, the spontaneous gesture gave them special meaning. No longer did the debris of brokenness dull the luster of our renewed relationship. The past hurts had scattered. The empty hole had filled. Our love was truly reborn. Twenty years and five grandchildren after that heart-wrenching day in our living room, life is as good as I could ever have hoped.

Marv tells the men in our marriage classes every week, “Feelings change. Don’t make your decisions based on feelings because they’re unreliable and they change.”

We are living examples. Marriages that appear to be dead can indeed be reborn. Many times people come to us saying the love in their marriage has died. However, when God is given the freedom to work in each of their lives, He can open their hearts to one another so green leaves of new life can begin to sprout.

When new life appears in a marriage it is a testimony to the promise of new life God gives to us both through nature and His Word. His power to bring life from death rocked the world 2,000 years ago and continues to rock the world today.

Share your heart. How can God make things new in your life?

© Linda Rooks 2019

Fighting for Your Marriage while Separated available on Amazon and other online retailers

Listen to Marv and Linda’s story in a three-part series on Family Life Today as they both share from the heart about their separation and restoration.

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Filed Under: Divorce, Doubt, Hope, Marital separation, marriage, Marriage problems, New Directions, Reconciliation, Surrendering to God, Trusting God, Uncategorized Tagged With: , , , , , , , , , , ,

MESSY GARDENS – MESSY LIVES

March 27, 2019 by 2 Comments

Feeling the need for a concentrated time of prayer one morning, I stepped onto the patio with Bible in hand and cozied myself into one of the lawn chairs. I felt unsettled.   Things were not going as I thought they should, and I felt my heart tugging in several directions.  The needs in my life seemed numerous and I longed for direction, but my prayers seemed to hang suspended without answers. How was my world fitting together?

As I reflected on my circumstances, I gazed about the wilderness of my yard.  It was wild and messy and reminded me of a scene from The Shack, a book I’d been reading in which the protagonist Mackenzie encounters God and works through some of the ironies of his faith.  In this particular scene, when Mackenzie walks into a garden with a character named Sarayu, who represents the Holy Spirit, Sarayu tells him about the significance of the garden’s messiness. “This garden is your soul,” Sarayu says to Mackenzie.  “This mess is you!”  

The messy garden was his soul?

Wow!

I related.  I felt that I was a mess right then—scrambled and unsure of myself.  Maybe this garden –my own yard—was a picture of my soul, pretty in spots, but unkempt and messy in others.  Certain bushes flowered; others waited for another season to bloom.  Fern and philodendron meandered about, overgrown and out of control.  Everywhere weeds, desperately needing extraction, wound through beds, spoiling what would otherwise be attractive

The words of Sarayu continued swirling through my head as he further unveiled to Mackenzie why they had spent the morning together digging in the garden, which was desperately confusing and messy and “a chaos of color,” but beautiful at the same time.

“Together you and I, we have been working with a purpose in your heart. And it is wild and beautiful and perfectly in process.  To you it seems like a mess, but I see a perfect pattern emerging and growing and alive.”

The memory of Sarayu’s words hit me with meaning. Was this similar to how I was?  My messy garden and my messy life, both in process?  Both wild and beautiful at the same time?  Could the messiness in my life actually be part of the beauty?

A Message Through the Ages

As I read my Bible that day and contemplated the truth I saw in my garden as it related to the scene from The Shack, I realized that this had been one of God’s messages throughout the ages.  When we allow God to work in our lives, He uses our strengths and weaknesses, pain and joy, failures and successes for His good purpose.  We are infinitely complex, and the Holy Spirit joyfully cultivates the beauty and messiness of our lives, scrambling it all together to form a perfect design that pulsates with new life as it emerges from the confusion of its surroundings.   Even the Bible surprises us with countless stories of people who followed God but had imperfect lives.

Take a look at Peter, Jesus’ disciple. He must have bitterly bemoaned his messy and capricious heart as he wept bitter tears after denying Jesus not once but three times and at the very moment his Lord was being condemned to death by the Pharisees.  How his heart must have withered when Jesus looked at him after that third denial.  The conviction that must have burned within his heart!  The self-doubt! The self-condemnation!  Peter had walked beside Jesus for three years, loved him, vowed never to leave him, but in Jesus’ greatest hour of need, he denied that he even knew him.

But Peter—like us—was in process.  He’d come from being a rough-speaking fisherman to a follower of Jesus who one moment was adamant in his unfailing love and the next embarrassed and afraid to be discovered as one of his followers.  After Jesus rose from the dead, Jesus plied Peter with questions to test his heart, then challenged him to take the keys of God’s kingdom to a lost world. Peter led the charge.  He became a leader among the apostles, suffering many times for his steadfast loyalty and courageous preaching about Jesus as the way to salvation.  God took his messy heart and turned him into the rock, the foundation for a growing church of believers.

Like Peter, I’m in process.  You’re in process.  God looks deep within us and sees the good as well as the messy and troublesome parts that with a little prodding can bloom into something beautiful—something He saw there at the beginning of time when He first thought to create us.  He has a future and a plan for us that will grow into reality when we allow Him to be the Gardener of our hearts.

“He who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus. . . . It is God who works in you to will and to act according to his good purpose.” Phil: 1:6 & 2:13

© Linda Rooks 2019

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Is There Hope for The Separated Marriage?

February 25, 2019 by 8 Comments

Man and woman sitting on the couch and turning away from each other“My husband left. He wants a divorce” These familiar and heartbreaking words break my heart each time a person comes to me, describing what is happening in their marriage when their spouse wants out. Their pain and desperation is palpable. I know some hard days lie ahead for them, but I also know there is hope if they can reign in their pain and choose the right path. Now that I’ve worked with those who are separated for so many years, I’ve seen God’s miraculous grace rescue marriage after marriage and bring back together those who are separated. So, yes, there is hope for the separated marriage.

How do you find hope for the separated marriage?

If you are in that place, it’s important to step back from your painful circumstances and take a fresh look at your relationship. If you have become separated, something in the marriage is broken. Just as an electrician needs to analyze an electrical system that has broken down in order to fix it, so too when a marriage breaks down, it’s important to locate the parts that are not working.

The process begins by giving space to a partner who is distancing himself and enlisting the aid of the Only One who has the full perspective, and that is our Creator God. As our Creator, God knows each of us inside and out. He knows me and you, and He knows our partners. He knows what needs to change for the relationship to work. When we seek God’s Omniscient perspective and look to Him for the answers, we can begin to take steps toward healing. A separation is messy and complicated. There are no simple answers. But there ARE answers. There are wrong paths we can travel and good ones to choose.

First Steps to Take

Giving space to the one who has left is the first step if you want to find hope for the separated marriage. Chasing after your spouse and forcing them to come up with answers to your questions only pushes them further away and will prolong the process. But giving space allows your partner to sort out the confusion spiraling through his or her head. Because of your pain, this is not an easy prescription, but it’s necessary in order to turn things around.

As you give space to your partner, you need to find healing and a place of safety for yourself. Proverbs 18:10 tells us, “The name of the Lord is a strong tower; the righteous run to it and are safe.” You are on a journey that will carry you over some rocky, barren places, and you need strength to make it through the rough terrain. As you run into the safety of God’s grace, you will find healing and hope. He can take care of your breaking heart. In his loving arms, you will find hope for the separated marriage that has taken place as He helps to soften the bitterness and pain so you can take the second step. For as you receive God’s grace, He will ask you in turn to offer grace to the one who is hurting you.

This means speaking positive words to your spouse, which is your next move as you seek to find hope for the separated marriage. Easing the tensions between you and your spouse by using positive words will provide a bridge over which the two of you can begin to tip toe as you take first steps back toward one another to explore new possibilities in your search for hope.

There is no straight, quick, and easy path to reconciliation, but as you traverse this labyrinth of confusion and pain, the road may bring unexpected healing and happiness as your eyes are opened to new realities.  God brings “beauty from ashes, and the oil of joy in place of mourning” when we allow Him to guide us along this difficult journey to find hope for the separated marriage we want to see reconciled.

Next week:  Reconciling a Separated marriage

If you want to fight for your marriage, Fighting for Your Marriage while Separated by Linda W. Rooks  will give you the practical help you need to guide you through the complexities and confusion of a separation. Reconciliation is possible–even if you’re fighting for your marriage alone.

 

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When Christmas Loses It’s Sparkle

December 13, 2018 by 2 Comments

CHRISTMAS IS COMING SOON. Bright lights sparkle on houses in your neighborhood. Joyous refrains stream throughout department stores and across the airwaves. Everywhere you see Christmas trees, Santa Clauses, and signs that say Merry Christmas or Happy Holidays. But for some of you, the words Merry Christmas have a hollow ring to them this year. Your heart is heavy with the idea of how you will even “get through” Christmas, let alone make it merry. Things are different this year. And it’s hard.

The Christmas we’re used to is full of sparkle and laughter. It’s always been a time of fun and celebration. But when gloom hangs over our lives and questions about the future occupy our minds, we may actually find it easier to peer more closely into the reality of the Christmas we celebrate. For when we put aside the glamor of the holidays, we can travel back to how it really all began—before the sparkle, before the happy music, before the hustle and bustle of Christmas shopping.

There was hustle and bustle on that day, but not of people shopping; it was the descending of large numbers of people upon a small town, all trying to find the basic comforts of a place to stay and something to eat. We see a young woman, nine months pregnant riding a donkey. Can you imagine riding 80 miles on a donkey when you are nine months pregnant? And when she was ready to deliver her baby, who was the Son of the eternal God, she couldn’t even find a decent place to stay. Imagine having to deliver your baby in a smelly stable! And that is how God came to us – not in a convenient, clean, easy way, but through difficult circumstances. No warm, fine bed for Mary, the mother of God, no fragrant rooms, no support of family and friends who were far away and may have even questioned her virtue and the conception of this baby. No, God came to us in the midst of doubt, confusion, political unrest, and physical hardship. When God sent his Son to be born on this earth, he didn’t clear an easy path for him. He didn’t have a room waiting in Bethlehem. It was hard.

And, oftentimes, that is the way God still comes to us.  In the distractions of active lives, we are often too busy to notice God’s presence. We may have thought we had everything figured out ourselves – that we’d surely find a room in Bethlehem.  We never expected to have to stay in a smelly stable.  We still can’t figure out why things have turned out the way they have.

But, cradled on a bed of hay, in the middle of the odors and pain, we see a tiny baby, the gift of God’s love. It was the first time God was visible to mankind. And in the midst of the difficulties of your life, God has come to show you himself. It is sometimes only when these other things are stripped away that our eyes are fully opened and we see beyond the glitter into the glory where finally we see Christmas. Perhaps for the first time, the invisible God becomes visible in our eyes, and we see Jesus himself.

God has come to love you with a love you will not find anywhere else—not in a husband or wife, not a parent or a child or a friend. God’s love will not fail you. It is unconditional and everlasting. He will not always show you a clear, easy path to your destination. But He will be with you and guide you, and at just the right time, He may prompt the wife of an innkeeper to say, “I have a place for you. I have an answer. There’s a stable out back…”

His ways are not our ways. His thoughts are higher than ours. He has a plan that is beyond anything we can see. When we take hold of God, we move beyond the barriers of our finite understanding into the reaches of God’s eternal purposes. Eternity is within our grasp. We become a part of His story.

Two thousand years ago, Mary and Joseph didn’t hear the refrains of Silent Night as they gathered clean straw to make a bed for Mary to bear a child; they didn’t see the picturesque setting of a child being born in a manger as they settled down among the animals. It was hard.

But God came to them in the middle of these difficult circumstances, not just for them, but for us.  Jesus was born into our world and into our lives.  And this is the Christmas we celebrate…a Christmas born in hardship, but wrapped in holiness and love, extending through all the ages of the earth into the glories and wonders of eternity.

May God’s blessings shine through the midst of your circumstances this Christmas and give you a deep joy and peace that rises high above and beyond your understanding.

 

 

 

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A Surprising Reality about Resurrected Marriages

July 31, 2018 by Leave a Comment

My husband and I recently watched the movie “Parent Trap” on TV, in which two eleven-year old girls randomly meet at a summer camp. When they discover they are actually twins, separated at birth by their divorcing parents, they contrive together to reunite their mom and dad. By switching places and working together, they ultimately succeed, and the family comes together again in a resurrected marriage.

While chatting about the story afterward, Marv and I agreed that several years ago we would have thought it pretty unlikely for a marriage to reconcile after an eleven-year divorce. But, surprisingly, today we actually know a couple who did exactly that.

As we talked about Clint and Penny—the couple who’d been divorced for eleven years and reconciled, it occurred to me they weren’t the only ones.  I remembered a story I included in my book about another couple who experienced a resurrected marriage after being divorced for eight years.  And in both cases, these marriages are continuing to thrive.

Having been in ministry to marriages in crisis for the past eleven years, we were able to recollect more and more couples whose marriages had collapsed at some point and then been resurrected years later. Strange, how the closer you are to an issue, the less preposterous the possibilities become for something like a resurrected marriage that otherwise may seem improbable—if not almost impossible.

Of course, our personal story was a starting point. We ourselves had experienced our own resurrected marriage after three years of separation. And to many people, that seemed impossible. As we continued to talk about it, we each conjured up memories of couples who had been separated for several years, and others who had divorced and remarried.

The difference between the movie fantasy and the real life reconciliation stories however, was that it took more than a candlelit dinner and a few resurrected memories to put the marriages back together.  Fantasy and reality do differ in that respect after all.  And what brought people back together in real life was change. Someone—or in most cases, both someones—changed.

When a divorce or separation occurs, it means something in the marriage is broken. It may simply result from a failure in the ability to communicate or resolve conflicts, or a serious imbalance in the dynamics of the relationship.  Or perhaps the marriage came under attack by either an outside assailant or a toxic dependency that was allowed to invade the marriage.

The beautiful reality about how God created us, however, is that change is possible, and a new resurrected marriage between the same two people can grow from the willingness to change.

In my experience, change happens when at least one of the parties humbles themselves before God and allows Him to sift their hearts and lives. As they can begin to see themselves through God’s eyes, they then start to recognize their own flawed behavior that may have contributed to the demise of the marriage. Although, their partner undoubtedly contributed to the downfall of the marriage as well, the one partner’s willingness to change can set positive things in motion.

Can candlelight and lovely memories bring a marriage back together? Yes. But chances are the new marriage won’t last if change has not taken place as well.  The starry-eyed reconciliation stories I have witnessed eventually come crashing down when couples do not put the necessary work into creating something new between them. Change is necessary.

God is a God of hope. But He is also a God who wants to create something new in our lives. The beauty of a resurrected marriage is built upon the humility of two people willing to let God mold them into His design where love and respect can thrive between them.

And it can start with just one.

If you want a resurrected marriage, Fighting for Your Marriage while Separated by Linda W. Rooks  will give you the practical help you need to guide you through the complexities and confusion of a separation. Reconciliation is possible–even if you’re fighting for your marriage alone.

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What To Do

November 2, 2015 by 5 Comments

Sometimes You Just Don’t Know He’s There – Key Discoveries About God’s Presence

2015 - summer 001Sitting with Lana over coffee a few days before Halloween, I listened as she poured out her heart about the chaos happening in her marriage.

“I don’t know what to do,” she said, “if God would just show me what to do, I’d do it, but I don’t hear anything from him.”

We talked about God’s silences and how God often uses these times to help you grow stronger while you persevere and wait on Him.

“But He is with you,” I said, “whether or not you hear him speaking to you, He is with you.”

“Then why don’t I feel his leading?” she asked. “Why doesn’t He show me what to do?”

Taking a sip of coffee, I savored the delicate pumpkin flavor as I thought about how to answer her. “Are you spending time in the scriptures?” I asked. “What are you reading in the Bible?”

She told me about opening her Bible recently and reading a scripture she’d never read before—a promise that God would release the captives from prison. “I started crying when I read it.”

“See, He is speaking to you.” I said. “He is with you. One of the main ways He speaks to us is through His Word.”

She sighed. “I just wish I knew what to do.”

I chuckled. “Yesterday, I had a vivid illustration of how God is with us all the time, even when we aren’t aware of His presence.” I smiled as I began telling her my story from the day before.

My Story

“I had a doctor’s appointment at noon, an important one because it was a follow-up to surgery. Wanting to make sure I was there in time, I carefully planned out my day.

“The one thing I wanted to accomplish that morning was to put some seedlings of romaine lettuce in pots. So I went out to my car, got the bag of potting soil out of the trunk, then carried it around to the back yard. I had my keys in my hand and thought to myself, I want to be careful not to put these down anywhere or I might forget where I put them.

“I collected some pots, poured in the dirt, transferred each of the sprigs into their respective pots, and watered them.

Afterwards, I showered and got ready for my doctor’s appointment. When it was time to leave, I grabbed my purse and reached down inside for my keys.

“My keys weren’t there.

“I dug around in my purse some more, beginning to feel a little panicked. The doctor’s office was 30 minutes across town, and I needed to leave. I removed my wallet, looked in all the corners and each of the pockets. But my keys were definitely not in my purse.

“I ran upstairs to my bedroom and looked around on the dresser, then ran downstairs to the kitchen, the dining room, went up to the bathroom, all through the house. No keys. I went outside and looked around the porch, out in the dirt where I had been working, then back inside and ran around the house two or three more times.

“’God,” I said, “help me find my keys! I don’t know where they are.” And ran through the house one more time.

“By this time I was desperate. The time was slipping away, and I didn’t want to miss my doctor’s appointment. “God,” I cried again, “You say that when we are weak, then you will be strong, and you know I’m weak, Lord. I need you. I need to go to this doctor’s appointment, and I can’t find my keys. I need you to help me find them!”

“I ran up the stairs again and was just entering the bedroom, when, like a lightning bolt in my mind, I heard a distinct voice—not audible, but as clearly in my mind as if my husband had been standing behind, talking to me. “What were you wearing?”

“I stopped. What had I been wearing? The pants – I had put them in the laundry basket. I ran to the basket, grabbed the pants, held them up, and as I reached down into the pocket, felt the hard metal of keys. There they were! My keys!”

“So,” I said to Lana, “God was with me all the time.”

“But he made you aware of His presence. You heard his voice,” she said. “He spoke to you and showed you what to do.”

“Yes, he did,” I laughed, “but I had to run through the whole house four or five times first.”

We laughed together and drained the last sips of coffee from our cups.

He Was With Me

God had been with me the whole time—before and after I lost my keys. He saw me when I put them in my pocket out in the backyard. He saw me while I was running through the house and when I called out to him. He allowed me to search on my own until I was desperate for His help. Finally, at the last minute, he gave me direction. And I was amazingly on time to the appointment.

God is with us. We must always remember that. And his timing is always perfect. Days, weeks, and months may pass without any tangible sign of His presence. He may not intervene when we think he should. But as you press into him and persevere, at just the right moment, He WILL guide you and tell you what you need to know.

***

For a biblical example of someone who waited in limbo without seeing God answering his prayers, read the story of Joseph from Genesis 40 – 41:45

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Filed Under: Knowing God, Marriage problems, Prayer, Trusting God, Trying to understand, unanswered prayers, Uncategorized, Where is God? Tagged With: , , , , ,

The Spiritually Mismatched Marriage–An Interview with Lynn Donovan

June 4, 2014 by Leave a Comment

WinningHim Without WordsThis week I’m happy to introduce you to Lynn Donovan, author of Winning Him Without Words, as well as two other related books, 10 Keys to Thriving in Your Spiritually Mismatched Marriage, and Not Alone, Trusting God To Help You Raise Godly Kids in a Spiritually Mismatched Home.

If you have a spouse who is not a Christian, Lynn has a message that will help you on this walk.  Lynn is an author and speaker who has appeared on 700 Club Interactive, Focus on the Family, Dr. James Dobson’s FamilyTalk and FamilyLife Today.

But I will let Lynn introduce herself and tell you more about her story.  Here’s Lynn.

Lynn Donovan

Lynn:  Hello everyone! I’m joining your community this week to share a bit about my God-sized story. I’m so thankful that Linda has asked me to be a part of your home.

My friends, my story is about a Prodigal child – me (Luke 15:11-31). I fled my childhood Sunday school days in my twenties. I left my loving Father for all the promises the world said were mine. I met my husband in these dark years and we fell in love. We were married and for the first three years everything was fine. But the world’s lure proved shallow, unkind and untrue. I heard my faithful Father calling in the distance and He wooed me.

I went running home into the arms of my Papa and was thrilled to once again have a relationship with God. But, I ran home dragging my unbelieving spouse behind me kicking and screaming all the way. To say that my husband was unhappy about this new “Man” in my life, was a serious understatement.

I am unequally yoked.

There are many women such as me who sit alone week after week in church. There are women who are married to men who say they believe and yet they are also like me, living in a spiritually mismatched marriage. We are committed to our marriage covenant and wish to honor our Lord no matter how we arrived in our spiritually mismatched marriage.

My journey has been a crazy adventure, filled with loneliness at times, as my husband and I view life through two different world views. On this journey I’ve had to face fears over my children’s salvation, as well as having to live with the disappointment of attending church alone, wanting to be a “normal” couple, and the most difficult—the rejection of my faith by my best friend on earth.

But don’t feel sad for me….  Because I serve the risen Savior and through His love and power, I have discovered that the unequally yoked can truly thrive while living with an unbeliever. We can grow in our faith, love and respect for our spouse, raise our children to a vibrant faith, and walk in the Presence of the Most High.

Lynn’s 22 Year Adventure

Linda:  I’m looking forward to hearing what else you learned on this 22 year adventure, Lynn.  But tell me, what does your husband think about this ministry?

Lynn: By the grace of God my husband is fully supportive of my ministry and he encourages me to help others who are also spiritually mismatched. I call that a “Way cool God thing.”

Linda:  Lynn, you mentioned to me that you discovered a powerful scripture that changed everything about your marriage.

Lynn: Yes, I did, it is: (Jesus) answered, “‘Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your strength and with all your mind’; and, ‘Love your neighbor as yourself.'” —Luke 10:27

Linda: How did this make a difference in your marriage?

Lynn: When you love God, His Son and the Spirit with all of your heart, soul, mind and strength you are transformed. Your mind is transformed and then disappointment and bitterness no longer has influence in your life. You discover an unending joy bubbles out of you, flowing onto your husband and your children. This kind of love transforms a heart, heals a body, restores a marriage, and leads little ones to faith.

I had to remove my eyes and expectations from my human husband and place all of my hopes upon Christ. When I did this our marriage moved into THRIVING. My husband found freedom to discover God in his own way without my manipulation and I found my expectations were replaced by God explanations. I was transformed by the love of God.

It’s a miracle! Woo Hoo!!!!

And Linda one of my favorite truths I share is this:

A man can ignore a nagging wife, but he can’t ignore the truth of a transformed life.

 Linda:  I like that.  But tell me what do you think is the biggest struggle for those who are Spiritually Mismatched?

Lynn:  Across the board, men and women, who are married to pre-believers (we like to call them pre-believers) struggle through a season of loneliness. In our book, Winning Him Without Words, the entire first chapter addresses this season. What I want to tell everyone who is unequally yoked is to press forward during this season. This is the training ground for growing your faith into a vibrant, strong and intimate love relationship with the Father.

You can overcome this. You can attend church alone and receive great blessing from your church family. You will discover the truth of Hebrews 13:5 God has said, “Never will I leave you; never will I forsake you.”

The Children

Linda:  Many times I hear from people who are concerned as to how an unequally yoked marriage will affect the children.  What do you say to that?  And have you found specific encouragement in the Bible to help you on this walk?

Lynn:  Yes, there is actually a passage in the Bible that was written just for us. God knew there would be unbelievers married to believers and that’s why 1 Corinthians 7:12-14 exists. Let’s read it from the Message translation as it is rich in meaning and implication. This verse specifically gives me great comfort as a mother raising children in a spiritually mismatched home.

For the rest of you who are in mixed marriages—Christian married to non-Christian—we have no explicit command from the Master. So this is what you must do. If you are a man with a wife who is not a believer but who still wants to live with you, hold on to her. If you are a woman with a husband who is not a believer but he wants to live with you, hold on to him. The unbelieving husband shares to an extent in the holiness of his wife, and the unbelieving wife is likewise touched by the holiness of her husband. Otherwise, your children would be left out; as it is, they also are included in the spiritual purposes of God. —1 Corinthians 7:12-14

I’m learning that when we as believers love Jesus and walk in the power and presence of the Holy Spirit, we impact our environment. And, in fact, we bring God’s will and purposes into our lives and into the lives of our children. The living presence of God within us becomes so powerful that, Paul tells us through the believing spouse every member in the home is sanctified. The living presence of God is so contagious, so powerful, that it creates an umbrella of safety over anyone who comes into that environment.

Linda: So are you saying that it is simply your faith, walked out in the home, which ministers to your children?  Even though your husband has a different worldview, your faith is enough to point the children to God?

Lynn:  Yes, we as believers are uniquely positioned to release the purposes, the love and the very power of God into our children’s lives. Our kids are then included in God’s plans for their lives. They are sanctified—set apart as holy unto the Lord. They belong to the Lord. When we grasp this truth, praying with faith through the Holy Spirit for our kids, we need not live in fear for their salvation. Our love, our example, our Jesus is always enough. I believe this promise for my children’s future and for their eternity.

Wow…… just WOW!  Today if I can talk personally to your readers, I’d like to say, “Let the truth of this passage roar in your spirit. Your faith covers your home. This was a paradigm shift in my thinking and changed how I approached spiritual warfare for my kids and husband. My holiness covers them. They are under the love umbrella of God because an ordinary wife lives with Jesus in her heart and home. Of course, this isn’t a guarantee of their salvation but it is a great encouragement and it keeps me from living in constant fear for their eternity.

 Linda: Thank you, Lynn.  I know this is a serious battle for a number of people reading this interview, and we need a real prayer covering for our homes and our children. Would you like to close us with a prayer?

Lynn: Lord, let this passage bring freedom to every woman and man here today. Let the truth and the power that comes with your living and active Word permeate every place in his or her heart and home. I ask that the Holy Spirit would prove the truth of how the prayers of a righteous mama (or papa) availeth much. In Jesus name. Amen.

Linda, thank you for allowing me to share the hope that I have. Hope is a person, Jesus Christ.

I love you and count it a privilege to be here with your community.

 Linda: This has been a blessing, Lynn. Please tell us where people can find out more about your ministry and your books.

Lynn:  You can visit me online at www.spirituallyunequalmarriage.com

 

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Filed Under: BOOKS, Children, Conflict, Desire, God's Word, How to win, Lonliness, Marriage problems, Surrendering to God, Trusting God, Uncategorized, Worry Tagged With: , , , , , , ,

Interview with Kathy Collard Miller, Author of Partly Cloudy with Scattered Worries: Finding Peace in All Kinds of Weather

May 14, 2014 by 8 Comments

Partly Cloudy With Scattered Worries - Kathy Collard MillerWhen I scheduled this interview with Kathy Collard Miller for early May, I didn’t connect the appropriateness of her book title with our Florida weather.  But as I look out the window at the gathering clouds and intermittent rainstorms, I find the timing of my interview about her book, Partly Cloudy with Scattered Worries: Finding Peace in All Kinds of Weather to be extremely fitting.

I believe Kathy’s topic about worry and anxiety will resonate with many of us.  In the midst of life’s storms, how do we keep from worrying?  Speaker and author Kathy Collard Miller has an answer for us. She has published 49 books and has carried her message of hope, faith, and encouragement into eight countries throughout the world and thirty U.S. states.

I feel honored that she is sharing with us today.

Linda:  Kathy, what is really wrong with worry? What is the biggest problem that worry causes for us?

Kathy:  The answer to both those questions is that worry steals our ability to acknowledge God as the God of our lives. I have no trouble calling worry sin because we are disobeying God’s command to “Be anxious about nothing…” (Philippians 4:6). We have a big problem when we fight God’s control of our lives. We’re on our own and we try to control and manipulate people and circumstances to get our needs met. And it’s so subtle. We may not even realize we’re worrying—we call it other words like concerned, mulling, thinking or planning, but we’re not seeking God.

Anxiety is currently the number one emotional problem of American people. Panic anxiety is the number one mental-health problem for women in the United States, and in men is only second to substance abuse. Worry causes relationship problems, physical illness, loss of faith, and stress. No wonder! We’re trying to play God.

Linda:  I’m sure we can all admit that we worry at times. But I’m curious. How did you happen to write a book about worry?

God was working and tranforming me to trust Him more and I wanted to share what I had learned. My desire is to help readers trust God more by being convinced of His greatness, sovereignty, power, love, and involvement. We can say we trust God but then we give in to anxiety, people-pleasing, controlling others, regrets, fear, and trying to provide for ourselves when God says to wait on Him. Our responses actually reveal that we don’t trust God as much as we think we do.

For instance, if a woman is wondering whether her husband still loves her, or is worried that he’s being unfaithful, she may try to manipulate or control her husband. She may react in anger out of anxiety or withdraw her heart because she is taking his behavior personally. Her eyes are on making her husband meet her needs rather than trusting God to meet them. But Philippians 4:19 says God will provide all our true needs. Worry won’t make our spouse respond; it’ll only cause us to react in ways that may push him away more.

I was once in that very situation and my worry made me bitter and needy. It only caused my husband Larry to want to work more so he could be away from my nagging. But when I committed to trusting God to be all I needed, even if Larry never changed, I became more peaceful. Then Larry wanted to be around me. Now we’ve been married almost 44 years.

Linda:  Tell us a little about the concept that began to transform your thinking about worry.

Kathy: I heard this concept at a conference: “If I’m worried, think of the worst possible thing that can happen and then think of reasons why it wouldn’t be so bad after all.” The speaker quoted Romans 8:28: And we know that God causes all things to work together for good to those who love God, to those who are called according to His purpose (NASB). I realized my worry indicated I didn’t think God had the power to bring good out of bad and I worried that something bad would happen. But quoting that concept and verse began to give me a different perspective. It helped me relax and allow God to be in control.

 Linda:  Why do you think people worry?

Kathy:  Of course, there are many reasons but here are a few. We may have experienced some hurtful things in childhood and blamed God. So our hearts are fearful of turning control over to Him. We may think that worry gives us power in another person’s life. I remember worrying when my teenage son had to fly across country by himself to a Christian golf camp. I worried he would miss his connecting flight until God whispered, “You’re worried because you want him to need you. Let him need Me.” Oh, how revealing. I could then release that worry and let God show Himself strong. Additionally, people worry because they really do think worry does some good. One woman told me, “Well, of course, worry works; after all, what I worry about doesn’t happen.” I’m sure she was joking (I think!), but in our hearts, we can think it does some good. Unfortunately, worry only makes us tense and then we react in ways we regret. Plus, God isn’t honored.

Linda:  Many of those reading this blog are going through serious storms in life. The worries they have are based in substantial life traumas that have already disrupted their lives. They worry about the future, about what will happen with their children, whether there is hope for their marriages, etc.  What do you have to say to them?

Kathy: I am sad to think of those going through hard times. I can relate. After being married seven years, I hated my husband and took out my anger on our two-year-old little girl to the point that I abused her. I worried that I would actually kill her in one of my rages. I almost took my life to prevent that from happening. But God intervened and as I turned my life over to him little by little, I saw how He wanted to use my struggle for His glory and my good. God healed our marriage and the relationship with my daughter. He gave me a ministry of sharing my story and writing about it. Then that blossomed into the ministry I have today. And my daughter is a happy adult who calls me her best friend.

I understand life seems impossible, but God is still God and He wants to help us. And worry doesn’t accomplish a single positive or helpful thing. It only motivates us to respond in hurtful and damaging ways. Worry is impotent but God is powerful. There is always hope with trusting God.

 Linda:  Tell us a little more about your book.  What are you trying to accomplish and how is it formatted?

My book helps people, primarily Christian women, to trust God more and thus worry less. It is filled with stories from my own life and the lives of others who learned how to do that very thing, along with biblical principles and practical instruction. I’ve also included Discussion Questions that a group or an individual can use. Plus, every chapter highlights a woman from the Bible who either struggled with worry or one who overcame her worry. Every chapter ends with a “Letter From God” which speaks to the reader about what she learned in the chapter.

 Linda:  Are you available for speaking, especially on this topic of overcoming worry?

Oh yes, I love to speak on lots of topics, including overcoming worry. I especially love speaking at women’s retreats because I can have extended contact with the women. I can be reached at Kathyspeak (at) aol (dot) com.

 Linda: Where can people find out more about Partly Cloudy with Scattered Worries?

Kathy:  It is available on Amazon for either Kindle reading or print:
http://amzn.to/18SUUHM

Or to get a little preview, you can view the book trailer at http://bit.ly/1czUhKh

My website/blog is www.KathyCollardMiller.blogspot.com


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Filed Under: BOOKS, Depression, Desire, Doubt, Fear, Feeling unworthy, How to win, Interviews, Marriage problems, New Directions, Prayer, Surrendering to God, Trusting God, unanswered prayers, Uncategorized, Worry Tagged With: , , , , , , , , , ,

Whose Battle?

January 29, 2014 by 3 Comments

BATTLES ARE AN INHERENT PART OF OUR LIVES. We often seem to be in one kind of struggle or another. Maybe it’s a financial battle, or we may be fighting for our health or our very lives. Perhaps we’re fighting to save our marriage or to find peace and resolution in the midst of a chaotic situation or hostile relationship. Maybe it’s a battle to save ourselves from depression or addiction. Right now I’m battling my computer that wants to gobble up my email files and leave me without the resources to communicate with my readers. Technology seems to be a persistent battlefield for me.

                How do we fight these battles?  More importantly, how do we win them?

Natural Inclinations

                Instinctively, we want to lash out, to fight the battle in our own strength. That is our default mode—our natural inclination, or what God calls our “flesh.”

                In Jesus Calling, we hear God’s voice through the words of Sarah Young who pens, “Give up the illusion that you deserve a problem-free life. Part of you is still hungering for the resolution of all difficulties. This is a false hope!” And then she refers her readers to John 16:3 where Jesus told his disciples, ‘in the world you will have trouble.’”

                So how do we deal with these troubles? How do we fight the battles?

                Before David defeated the giant Goliath, he declared, “The battle is the Lord’s.” (1 Samuel 17:47)     When King Jehosophat was forced to do battle against a vast army, the Lord said to him, “Do not be afraid or discouraged because of this vast army. For the battle is not yours, but God’s.” (2 Chronicles 20:15).

                Time and again we read stories in the Old Testament where God-fearing kings and leaders were triumphant in battle despite enormous odds against them. Not only Jehosophat, but Hezekiah, Asa, and others were each besieged by armies much larger than theirs, and yet they easily won the battle.

                Why?

The Winning Strategy

                Jehosophat fasted and prayed to the Lord. He called his people together, and they praised God for the splendor of His holiness, proclaiming that “His love endures forever.”  “As they began to sing and praise, the Lord set ambushes against the men of Ammon and Moab and Mount Sier who were invading Judah, and they were defeated.” (2 Chronicles 20:22)

                Hezekiah’s first act as king was to purify the temple and call the people to worship the Lord. Afterwards, when an enormous army from Assyria came against him, he “cried out in prayer to heaven . . . and the Lord sent an angel who annihilated all the fighting men and the leaders and officers in the camp of the Assyrian king.” (2 Chronicles 32:20-21).

                When the huge army of the Cushites came against king Asa, he “called to the Lord his God and said, “’Lord, there is no one like you to help the powerless against the mighty. Help us, O Lord our God, for we rely on you and in your name we have come against this vast army. O Lord, you are our God; do not let men prevail against you.’ The Lord struck down the Cushites before Asa and Judah.’” (2 Chronicles 14:11)

            Last week, in Janet’s story of victory over a dying marriage, God called her to fast and pray before she had even a glimpse of how the story would end.  She was obedient, and throughout this time the Lord told her to continue to hold on. She praised God—even when her situation looked increasingly hopeless. She did spiritual battle—not against her husband, but against the spiritual enemies that were trying to destroy him and their marriage.  She acknowledged that the battle was the Lord’s. She humbled herself to surrender the situation to God.  Instead of trying to understand what she should do or what God would do, she left it in the hands of her mighty God whose “ways are higher than” our own. (Isaiah 55:8-9)

                And God prevailed. The enemy lost. Her husband’s heart returned to her, and her marriage was restored.

When we find ourselves locked in conflict and nothing is resolved, it may be that we misunderstand the nature of the battle. While we run skirmshes with bows and arrows, the enemy of our souls is shooting missles. War rages in heavenly places, but we engage in futile maneuvers that simply move the conflict from one turf to another. God’s powerful weapons can demolish Satan’s strongholds, but we, as His children, need to give Him the reins of power so He can do it. He won’t take them from us; it’s up to us to relinquish them freely into His hands.

  If the battle is truly the Lord’s, it makes sense to do as these righteous kings of Judah did, surrendering everything to God, obeying even when it doesn’t make sense, and praising God when our situation seems hopeless and victory looks impossible. Most of all, we need to lay our hearts out before Him with whole-hearted humility and trust. 

               If you would like to understand more about spiritual warfare, check out the 100 Huntley Street interview segments below, in which Moira Brown interviews Neil T. Anderson, author of The Bondage Breaker.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2ESddXkBAfg

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=z0HVd7iQ-vk

Let us shout our praises to God. Let us come into His presence with singing. Our God holds victory in His hands.

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Filed Under: Battles, Conflict, How to win, Marital separation, marriage, Prayer, spiritual warfare, unanswered prayers Tagged With: , , , , , , , ,
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