Very soon we will be celebrating Valentine’s Day. For some of you, that’s a happy thought and you look forward to spending time with someone you love. For others of you, the mere mention of the date makes your heart cringe: you are not where you want to be in your relationship.
Deb DeArmond, in her book I Choose You Today: 31 Choices to Make Love Last, helps us see that love is a choice, and regardless of how we feel or what is happening today, we still have a choice to make. Deb is an author, speaker, and relationship coach whose passion is family dynamics. Her writing explores marriage, grandparenting, in-law and extended family relationships. Her first book, Related by Chance, Family by Choice: Transforming Mother-in-Law and Daughter-in-Law Relationships was released in November 2013 by Kregel Publications.
1. Your new book, I Choose You Today: 31 Choices to Make Love Last has an interesting title. What does “I choose you today” mean in the context of a marriage relationship?
The phrase is something my husband, Ron and I have said to one another for 40+ years. We all know that love and marriage start with a choice as part of the wedding vows. We’ve discovered over the years that our relationship benefits from repeating that choice on a regular basis. Not every day, but several times a week, we remind one another, “I STILL choose you today.”
We also believe in the power of words. God spoke the world into existence when He said, “Light be.” We’re grafted into the family of God when we confess Jesus as Lord and Savior. Words count. The Bible reminds us, “A word out of your mouth may seem of no account, but it can accomplish nearly anything—or destroy it! James 3:5 (MSG). Too many married people use words destructively.
2. You make such a good point. In our Marriage 911 classes we often talk about love being a choice. But it’s not always an easy choice. How are we able to really “choose our spouse today” when it’s not an easy choice.
As Christ followers, the Word of God provides the insight and understanding we need to live the happily-ever-after we expected the day we stood at the altar in the big white dress and fancy suit. But living it requires choosing it – daily. When we feel like it and when we don’t.
The world’s view of marriage is based on feelings. And if it doesn’t feel good, it’s disposable. God has another path.
Love is not a feeling, and neither is marriage. Ron and I are smart enough to know we could never manage on our own: united in Christ is how we started, and how we will have to continue if we plan to finish strong. And that is our plan.
It’s an act of our will to choose our marriage, every day. And it’s His grace that makes that choice possible. In some cases, it may be only one willing spouse, but God will honor that covenant commitment. Renewal and revival of the marriage is possible in Him.
3. Where did the idea for this book originate?
Two years ago we took a family vacation to California. All of our sons, their wives and 2.5 grandboys for seven days. We had arranged one particular afternoon to take family pictures on the beach just as the sun was going down. We engaged a photographer to snap photos, both of the entire group and each individual family as well. Each son, his wife and baby stepped in front of the lens to capture a special moment at the edge of the Pacific.
At last, my hubby and I prepared to have our picture taken. The photographer positioned us, asked us to kiss, and then something odd happened . . . . My husband took a knee. Literally, he fell to his knees in front of me. For a brief moment I thought to myself, Oh Lord! He’s having a stroke! But I quickly realized my concern was misplaced when I saw him produce a beautiful ring box from his pocket.
“Would you do it all again with me?” he asked. “Would you still choose to marry me today?”
I was stunned. The kids stood nearby, whistling and clapping. Apparently, they had been in on the surprise. I was completely caught off guard, but negotiated the lump in my throat, and finally found my voice.
“Yes, Sweetheart. I’d do it again. I still choose you.” He beamed. I cried a little. Then I reached for the ring.
We finished the evening with dinner in Laguna Beach—surrounded by the 8.5 people most important to us.
But the best part of the night for me came later, as we sat and talked about our evening.
“What on earth gave you the idea to do this?” I asked him. “You never even proposed 38 years ago.” We met young and quickly knew we would marry, so we simply began making wedding plans.
“I know,” he said with a grin. “You didn’t have a proposal story. Every woman should have a story and I wanted you to have one. This is yours, even if it’s a little late.”
Somehow, that makes it even better.
When I blogged about that experience, people began to ask, “What kinds of choices do you make?” That created conversations with my husband, and a book idea grew.
4. I love that story! It’s always nice to know that we can bring renewal to our marriage by bringing in a little romance and making new choices to love even better than before. But tell me, there are many books on marriage, what makes this one unique?
Several things make it stand out. We’re not counselors or psychologists with a clinical approach. Our credentials include our 40-year successful marriage and family, my experience as a business and life coach, and Ron’s 35-year leadership in men’s ministry. I speak from our “not-even- close-to-perfect” life: real people with real life experiences, which are sometimes messy. Stories from more than 20 other couples are included.
The book’s format work is also unique: it features short chapters with actionable tips, sound biblical principles, and ‘you can do it’ ideas. Most of us are busy with little time for reading these days. These chapters are easy to read while waiting in the school car pool pick-up line, the airport, or on a quick lunch break. They apply to not yet-weds, newlyweds, and long time “I’m not sure I can hang in there much longer” weds.
The book provides great ways to start conversations with your spouse as well. This is not a book of “shoulds” or “do it like we do!” These are the stories of successful couples dealing with everyday challenges that are living the married life God envisioned for us. It would make a great Valentine’s gift for you and your spouse.
5. When a book first comes out, authors often create ways for readers to participate with one another or make special promotions available. Do you have anything planned?
We’ll run a 31-week challenge, with great gifts and prizes for our participants including jewelry, journals, even a 31 Flavors Ice Cream giveaway! Weekly updates, a Facebook Launch party and so much more! Readers can find out more about my books and ministry and stay connected to all the fun at my website debdearmond.com
