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We May Be Done, But We’re Not Finished – Author Interview with Deb DeArmond

August 2, 2021 by Linda Rooks Leave a Comment

WHEN THE YEARS begin to creep up on you faster than you’d like, you may become apprehensive about the changes taking place. Getting older can seem like a real bummer. But author Deb DeArmand has taken the challenge to offer some encouragement for you, along with a lot of laughs, in her new book, We May Be Done But We’re Not Finished! Making the Rest of Your Life the Best of Your Life. In our interview today, Deb will give you a peek into her book to help you step into the next phase of life with more confidence.

Linda: I love the title of your new book. We May Be Done, But We’re Not Finished. Why did you write it and who is it for?

Deb: As I began to think about the changes I’d been experiencing in my life, I knew there had to be other women who felt on occasion as I did – that they’d landed on Mars. I also knew God had big things in store for us at this time in our life. We’re old enough to have learned some lessons, and young enough to reap the benefits of those lessons – and share them with others. I wrote this book with an awesome team – 20 authors – all 50+ years in age, each of whom write their own chapter about their experiences.

Linda: I have a feeling there’s an interesting story behind the title, We May Be Done, But We’re Not Finished. Can you tell us about that?

Deb: As the years go by, there comes a time for all of us when we realize a shift has occurred in how we are seen. Others begin to address us more formally and with greater deference. It’s no longer Miss, it’s Mam. And that’s the tip of the iceberg.

At first, it’s a nice surprise – right up until you consider the pattern. You realize you now are seen as old—or older, and the surprise becomes a pie in the face.

We begin to experience offers of assistance we have not requested. “Would you like me to carry your groceries out for you, Mam?” or when the kid at the restaurant points out the Silver Menu for Seniors. “You’re a bit late tonight for the discount dear, but I wanted to make sure you are aware of it.” I’m aware I’d like to tackle you right now, is what I’d like to say, but a simple, nod and “thank you” will keep me from being arrested.

Linda: How do you think it impacts us when we begin to see a shift in how people see us? Is it really a problem?

Deb: When I began to compare notes with friends of the same age, we were all experiencing it. It can definitely change how we see ourselves if we allow it to do so. It may cause us to lose self-confidence and begin second-guessing ourselves. It can also impact our opportunities as well.

My job-seeking sister-in-law relocated when she was in her late 50’s. She had a great resume and was highly qualified in her field. One hiring manager, during an interview however, shared that “For what I’d have to pay you for your experience, I can get two college grads right out of school. And they’re far more likely to be here longer than you. You’ll be retiring in, what? About six years?” She didn’t get the job – and by the time she got to her car, she knew she didn’t want to work for that guy! But her age was center stage in his mind.

Marriages are often impacted as well. We’ve spent many years raising families, driving carpools, and focused on our children. Nothing wrong with that. But it can come at a cost.

Linda: How does the book deal with the challenges affecting marriage as we grow older? Does the book have some chapters specifically about this subject?

Deb: Yes. We’ve been busy parenting for so many years the relationship as husband and wife is often back-burnered. We may experience surprise challenges we never saw coming as we move into life with “just the two of us.”

One chapter by Michelle Rayburn chronicles the truth behind the traditional vow, “till death do us part.” With tongue (only partially) in cheek, she shares the everyday shift of growing together, not just growing old. Here’s an excerpt from her chapter: “For Better or For Hearse”:

“Some couples cruise into retirement with the spouse of their youth, and others find themselves navigating an unfamiliar road with a second marriage. Some won’t remarry but will treasure the memories from the past. The thing we all share is the uncertainty of time that becomes more real as we age.

“Sometimes I look across the room and wonder if I can handle thirty or forty more years of Phil’s snoring in the recliner with the remote in hand. He probably wonders if he can handle more decades of my phobia about chewing noises—that will probably get worse if he ever needs dentures! If we live as long as his grandparents did, we aren’t even halfway there. Oy.”

Michelle Rayburn’s chapter, as does every chapter in We May Be Done, But We’re Not Finished, offers tips, tools, and solutions to address the challenges or leverage the gifts that come with age.

Linda: What are some of the other issues addressed by the authors of the book?

Deb: Deb Coty has a great chapter in the book titled, “Pressed but Not Squashed.” She’s part of the sandwich generation – helping an adult child, now a single mom– while providing eldercare for her 92-year-old mother. Her encouragement? “We are pressed on every side, yet not crushed; we are perplexed, but not in despair.” 2 Corinthians 4:8 (NLT).

Some of the stories help readers tackle issues that come with age: health issues, adult children, providing eldercare for our parents, or staying active after retirement.

Other chapters tell about new opportunities to serve and get involved with ministry, travel, hobbies, and new or second careers. Pursuit of a “someday” dream. One of our contributors, Phylis Mantelli, after a lifetime of longing, took up dance class in her fifties! Amazing!

Linda: Is there a theme that runs through the book? What do you want readers to take away from your book, We May Be Done, But We’re Not Finished?

Deb: Along with my talented author friends we chronicle our real-life experiences—the ups and the downs—and explore the exciting opportunities we’ve discovered.We prefer to consider the opportunities of elder wisdom versus mourning the loss of our youth.

Our banner scripture is: “Finish what you started in me, God. Your love is eternal – don’t quit on me now! Ps. 138:8 (MSG).

When experienced women invite God to redirect their focus to his purpose and calling, his faithfulness carries us to places we’d never imagined. This can be an exciting time. We want readers to prepare to see new possibilities for their own lives through the stories here of women transitioning to the north side of fifty including their challenges, adventures, and laugh-out-loud-moments.

Linda: Where can readers find out more about this book along with your others?

Deb: You can find more about me and my books at debdearmond.com and on Facebook . This book, along with my previous four can be found on Amazon under the title: We May Be Done, But We’re Not Finished.

Filed Under: BOOKS, Depression, Fear, Hope, Interviews, New Directions, Searching for purpose, Trusting God, Uncategorized Tagged With: aging, fear, Feeling lost, hard times, hope, New Directions, seeking answers, what to do

What Does Hope Look Like?

May 19, 2021 by Linda Rooks Leave a Comment

Hope written on one of the rocks in a pile of rocks

Photo by Nick Fewings

WHILE I WAS READING the heart-breaking but hope-filled story of Hannah in the Bible, I was struck with how her submission to the Lord in her adversity was filled with joy and a sense of expectation. She had been childless for years and tearfully sought God to open her womb. With a deep trust in God’s providence, however, she vowed to give the child to God if He granted her request.

And she did. When she gave birth to her son Samuel the following year, she took him to the temple as soon as he was weaned, dedicated him to God, and left him with Eli, the priest. And she did it with great joy.

But what kind of hope is that? What kind of answer is that? Didn’t she want a child to cuddle and love? To raise and look after? She gave the child away! What was her hope? What was the reason for her joy?

And that makes me ask the question. What is OUR hope?

What does hope look like for US—for you—for me?

When we’re going through a troublesome time and hope for a good outcome, what does hope usually look like for us? “If I can just get through this crisis . . . if my husband will come home to me . . . if my test results show that I’m cured . . . if I can get that job . . . if my son quits his addiction.” If, if, if . . . . We want the pain of the situation to end. We want good things in our life. Then we’ll be alright.

We’re standing on the precipice and we just don’t want to fall off the cliff. We want a safety net to catch us, a plateau of safety so we can escape the stressful or frightening circumstances we face.

But what if hope is more than that that? What if hope is not just that we’ll be safe, but that as we stand on the edge of the cliff, we will actually see a beautiful meadow of multi-colored blessings unfurling before our eyes? What if we can see that our present problem will actually become part of God’s greater plan, a plan that, in fact, wouldn’t be as perfect without our painful circumstances?

Hannah’s prayer was rooted in a bigger hope than merely having a child to raise and look after. She tied her hope to God’s eternal plan and His larger story for the peoples of the earth. With a heart of expectation, she dedicated her child to God’s larger purposes. As a result, Samuel became God’s prophet to lead the nation of Israel throughout his lifetime. He was a transformative figure who God used to bring about the reign of David. And as a post script, God gave Hannah three more sons and two daughters afterwards.

As I write this, I think about a couple of paragraphs I wrote in my book Broken Heart on Hold in which I share how God walked with me through the pain of my three-year separation.

“Gradually God unfolded to me a deeper reality. What I was experiencing was not just about me, nor was it just about my husband and me . . . or our marriage. It was about a picture God was composing even as I stood poised on the tip of his paintbrush spilling tears upon the canvas to soften the harsh colors of the palette.

As I spent time with him in prayer, his larger purpose began to take form before my eyes. This grievous time was only one part of God’s bigger picture. What this part of the picture would ultimately look like however, depended in large part on me and what I did with my circumstances. It could be an obscure narrow section angled awkwardly among the other images on the canvas. Or it could become a shining blast of color and light shedding rays of illumination on the surrounding landscape. It was up to me to seek and find his larger design.” (From Broken Heart on Hold, Surviving Separation.)

Yes, as I walked through that dark tunnel of hopelessness, God eventually brought me to the light at the other end, and the light of His plan was glorious. Not only did He restore our marriage, but He allowed my pain to become comfort and hope for others walking this difficult journey. And when someone tells me how much my books have helped them, my heart swells with joy at God’s beautiful plan of redemption. I didn’t know back then I would write these books, but because I persevered with God, He used my pain to bring healing to others.

So what does hope look like?

Perhaps seeing hope requires us to open our eyes to more than what our limited earthly vision often encompasses. To catch the vision, we must start by trusting God with a sense of expectation, trusting that even in the midst of our fears God is going to do something wonderful. When we can tether our hope to God’s limitless resources and love, trusting that when given to Him, the experience we are going through will be like a seed planted in good soil that sprouts and multiplies into an eternal spring of beauty, then we will know the joy of the Lord that becomes our strength. Hope becomes our peace.

If you’re struggling to understand, if—like me—you’re asking what does hope look like, turn your eyes upward.

Lift your eyes to the Lord. Let Him enlarge your vision. Let your hope look beyond the problems and the temporal solutions. Grasp hold of God’s promises and love so your hope can grow into a mustard-seed faith, trusting that God has a purpose for your pain to use in some exquisite way that will make it all worthwhile in the unfolding of His eternal plan. Seek Him with all your heart and let Him fashion your future to fit into His greater blessings.

“Why, my soul, are you downcast? Why so disturbed within me? Put your hope in God, for I will yet praise him, my Savior and my God” (Psalm 42:5).

*Read Hannah’s story in 1 Samuel 1–2:11 and 2:16-21

If you need hope for your marriage, let me walk beside you through the pages of my book, Broken Heart on Hold. Together we’ll find hope and strength for the journey.

Filed Under: Expectations, faith, Fear, Hope, joy, Marriage problems, Pain, Peace, Problems, stress, Trusting God, Uncategorized, Where is God? Tagged With: faith, fear, hard times, hope, invisible God, marriage in crisis, peace, seeking answers, troubled marriage

The Single Dad Detour – Author Interview with Tez Brooks

April 22, 2021 by Linda Rooks Leave a Comment

IF YOU’RE A DAD in a broken marriage and marital reconciliation looks more and more remote, my interview with my friend Tez Brooks will be especially meaningful and, perhaps, a life-changer. In his award-winning book, The Single Dad Detour, Tez Brooks provides wise guidance laced with humor to help divorced and separated dads navigate through difficult circumstances in parenting. I’m hoping Tez’s experience and insights will offer answers to many of the questions men commonly ask in their emails to me. A review of the book by author Rick James says, “If I were a single parent on this journey, I’d want Tez’s comforting voice on my GPS. It’s a warm and understanding voice that’s traveled the back roads and knows where it’s going.” Recently, Tez received the Book of the Decade award from Serious Writer.

Linda: Tez, tell our readers a little about yourself and your journey.

Tez: Sure. Well, I made a decision to follow Christ when I was 6, felt a call to ministry at 18 and went to Bible College. I was a 22-year-old youth pastor when I married a girl from my hometown. During our 10-year marriage we had two children who are now adults.

But there were a lot of hidden issues we were dealing with as a couple. I had abuse in my background and was a bit of a control freak. I could be a real jerk sometimes. My wife had undiagnosed bi-polar disorder and some other mental health issues that we didn’t know were affecting our marriage. I thought that’s just what marriage was supposed to be—a roller coaster.

On top of that, she was chronically unfaithful and although I saw evidence of this while we were dating, I figured a wedding ring would solve this. I was young and naïve and didn’t have any older men speaking into my life who might have warned me. I took her back several times but eventually, her unfaithfulness led to a divorce.

That’s not what I wanted for us. I continued to make attempts to salvage our marriage. Counseling, marriage conferences, books, prayer, fasting—everything. Even after the divorce I was open to reconciliation. I believed with the Lord we could work through anything. But at the time, only one of us was walking with God. And honestly, you can’t force someone to love you.

We shared custody of our son and daughter. Sometimes they lived with me, other times they were with my ex. It was a lonely depressing time for me. The kids experienced a lot of loss too. In all, the kids lived with me full-time for about 3 years. As you’ve heard, no one wins. Divorce is a lose/lose situation.

After being divorced 7 years, I met and married my lovely wife Christine and we’ve had 2 more girls. It’s such a joy to raise children with a godly woman who loves me and shares the same values as a parent.

Linda: Your book, The Single Dad Detour was a winner for the 2016 Royal Palm Literary Award. Although your book has a Christian worldview, this was a secular competition. Obviously they saw your book contained some unique insight and encouragement for any audience. How is that?

Tez: Maybe it’s because I didn’t try to get too deep or theological? I’m not sure. I talk a lot about the importance of having a personal relationship with God in order to effectively parent your child through a broken family situation. But if you know me, I just don’t get in people’s faces as a Bible-thumper. Sharing my faith is a more natural, relational thing with me. Perhaps the judges sensed this? I’m just thankful they acknowledged a religious book. I’m chalking it up to God’s grace.

It was certainly an honor to receive such a prestigious award and recently another award from Serious Writer. I’m blown away by how God is using the book to minister to single parents around the world. I currently have 2 single dads I’m mentoring solely because they heard about the book and contacted me.

A counselor I know gives copies to parents who are having marriage trouble. In Singapore, Teen Challenge uses it as a resource for single dads coming through their addiction recovery program to help them learn how to be better fathers. But actually more women buy the book than men. Mothers get it for their divorced sons. Women give copies to their boyfriends who have kids. I’m humbled by every story I hear.

Linda: You’ve said it was difficult to write it because of the memories that surfaced. What led you to write it to begin with?

Tez: I really struggled. I’d been re-married several years and had moved so far past that season of darkness. I didn’t want to re-visit some memories.

But the Lord started giving me compassion for single dads, and I remembered how there just wasn’t anything out there for me when I was going through it. Especially books with a Christian worldview. What was available was too preachy for me. So I wrote something that would encourage guys with a little humor and offer some practical advice and action points.

Linda: Many men build their lives on the idea that a wife, kids and a house equals success. When that crumbles down, where can they find their identity?

Tez: That’s a great question because our identity needs to be grounded in Christ to begin with. If that’s not there when tragedy strikes, we’re in trouble. That’s where I found myself. I was a Christian but I didn’t really understand my identity as a child of God. I thought the American dream was where my self worth was. When that disappeared I was suddenly a man in my 30s with no real value to anyone. At least that’s what I believed.

I embraced the world’s view of who and what I was. In essence I allowed the world to place a price tag on my forehead. Suddenly that tag was marked down 95% and I was thrown in the bargain bin.

It can take a long time for the message of Christ to get from our heads down to our hearts. That’s what needed to happen with me. Thankfully the Holy Spirit began a work to reveal the value God placed on me. It was vital to my healing.

Linda: You’ve been happily married to Christine for 15 years now. But what about the single dad reading your book who is believing for a marital reconciliation? Do you support that?

Tez: Absolutely. God hates divorce and he desires for us to honor and keep those wedding vows of “…till death do us part.” I commend and respect couples like you and Marv who are able to work through some very heart-wrenching issues and preserve a marriage after long periods of painful separation. Some of these couples even re-marry one another…so even a divorce is not necessarily final. That’s what I want readers to hear.

In chapter 3 of The Single Dad Detour I mention the importance of attempting to restore your marriage. Divorce should always be a last resort. But I also know every couple has different situations. Not all marriages are in trouble because of unfaithfulness or desertion. And even for those marriages that are, the spouse who desires a reconciliation might be the very one who sinned but is now repentant.

Whatever the story, some folks don’t get the luxury of having a spouse who agrees that the marriage must be saved. So you may be all alone in hoping for marital restoration. But God is still there. He was for me.

When it became obvious my marriage was irreconcilable, I was swallowed up by an even darker shadow. Because I thought scripture wouldn’t allow me to marry again. I prepared to spend the rest of my life single.

While I was embracing some very cool opportunities to serve the Lord in ways only a single could, I still struggled as a man in my 30s, knowing loneliness and sexual temptation would always be part of my life.

It took a brave pastor to walk me through some scripture passages and show me I was free to remarry. Even after that, I was suspicious and didn’t trust women in general. I watched Christine for a year before I decided to court her.

It was scary for me but I’ve never dreamed marriage could be so fulfilling. Does this make me pro-divorce/remarriage? No. But life is messy. You don’t always get what you expected or planned for. And watching God redeem your life in spite of bad decisions is an amazing thing to experience.

Linda: What is one thing you want men to get from reading The Single Dad Detour?

Tez: I want readers to walk away encouraged to keep going. Whether God restores your marriage or not, he is coming alongside you in that journey. I want to challenge dads to step up to the plate in their parenting, while still trying to save the marriage if they can.

Outcomes are not always under our control, yet there is still hope for an abundant life if the marriage dissolves permanently. If men can celebrate what they’re doing right, while still leaning desperately on the Savior for hope, it will make the road they’re navigating much easier.

Linda: Where can people learn more about you and your book, The Single Dad Detour?

Tez: They can learn more me and The Single Dad Detour at www.everysingledad.com, on Facebook (everysingledad) or Twitter (tezd63) and they can also find the book on Amazon.

Filed Under: BOOKS, Children, Divorce, Fathers, Feeling unworthy, Hope, Infidelity, Interviews, marriage, New Directions, parenting, Uncategorized Tagged With: children, divorce, Feeling lost, Lonliness, Marriage, marriage in crisis, New Directions, seeking answers, single dads, troubled marriage, what to do

5 Promises to Help Us Hold onto Hope

April 7, 2021 by Linda Rooks Leave a Comment

Guest Post by Grace Fox

To say the past year has been challenging is an understatement. The pandemic grounded me and my husband—the director of a mission sending agency—from our usual international ministry travels. It canceled all my speaking engagements when large gatherings were banned. It stole time with our children and grandchildren, complicated everything surrounding my mother’s illness and passing, and tested my ability to live happily with my husband of 39 years while confined to living in a sailboat’s limited space fulltime.

COVID-19 and its variants are robbing us of loved ones, jobs, homes and material possessions, health, and dreams. It has even targeted our hope—the one thing we cannot afford to lose, according to John Maxwell. We can recover from other losses, he says, but “when a man loses hope, there’s nothing to do but bury him.”

One dictionary defines hope as “a feeling of expectation and desire for a certain thing to happen.” But, for believers, hope runs deeper than an optimistic outlook or wishful thinking. The Holman Bible Dictionary says hope is “trustful expectation, particularly with reference to the fulfillment of God’s promises. Biblical hope is the anticipation of a favorable outcome under God’s guidance.”

So, how can we hang onto hope as we face ongoing challenges and a host of unknowns? I believe the key lies in placing our expectations not in circumstances but in God and His promises. Here are five biblical promises that have buoyed me through the storm.

God is with us.

Isolation and loneliness are significant issues. Lack of in-person connection with people outside our home leads to feeling forgotten. That, combined with the challenge of connecting heart-to-heart with a spouse who handles stress differently than oneself leads to despair.

Some individuals and couples express feeling abandoned by God. Their losses are so painful and their fear of the unknown so all-encompassing that they’ve lost their grip on God’s promised presence. “I am with you always, to the end of the age,” Jesus told His disciples (Matthew 28:20). His promise stands true for us today. We hold onto hope because the truth is this: we are not alone even when we feel alone.

God is still sovereign.

God didn’t wake up one morning in 2020, watch the world news, and gasp. He knew the pandemic was coming and how it would affect the world. He knew how it would expose our weaknesses and reveal our strengths. He knew how it would test family and marriage relationships.

Circumstances are not out of control. God has plans we cannot understand, and He will accomplish His purposes. “I am God, and there is none like me. Only I can tell you the future before it even happens. Everything I plan will come to pass, for I do whatever I wish” (Isaiah 46:9-10). We have hope because God is still God and He is still in control.

God the Holy Spirit prays for us.

Sometimes our circumstances seem so dark and difficult that prayerful words escape us. That’s when we need promises like Romans 8:26-27— “And the Holy Spirit helps us in our weakness. For example, we don’t know what God wants us to pray for. But the Holy Spirit prays for us with groanings that cannot be expressed in words. And the Father who knows all hearts knows what the Spirit is saying, for the Spirit pleads for us believers in harmony with God’s own will.” Hope comes when we rest in the truth that the Spirit’s got us covered in prayer even when we can’t express what’s in our heart.

God will provide for our needs.

A plaque on the wall above my writing desk begins with text from Psalm 23: “The Lord is my Shepherd. I lack nothing.” A shepherd’s primary focus is his flock’s well-being, so he’s diligent to make sure his sheep have everything they need to flourish.

Psalm 23:1 assures us that our Shepherd has equipped us to survive this wild ride. Do you need wisdom for navigating the journey in harmony with your spouse? Ask in faith believing He’ll give it in unlimited measure (James 1:5-6). Peace? It’s yours when you give Him your concerns and thank Him for all He has done (Philippians 4:6-7). Strength? It’s yours when you make Him your focus (Isaiah 40:28-31).

God will wipe away our tears.

This, too, shall pass. Someday, somehow, God will bring about a good outcome. No matter what the future holds, He will eventually make everything right. “He will wipe every tear from their eyes, and there will be no more death or sorrow or crying or pain. All these things are gone forever” (Revelation 21:4).

Chuck Swindoll writes, “God keeps His promises. It’s a major part of His immutable nature. He doesn’t hold out hope with nice-sounding words, then renege on what He said He would do. God is neither fickle nor moody. And He never lies. As my own father used to say of people with integrity, ‘His word is His bond.’”

God holds out hope to us through His promises, and we hold onto hope by clinging to those promises.

Grace Fox lives in Richmond, BC. She’s a popular speaker at women’s events, a member of the First 5 writing team (P31 Ministries), and the co-director of International Messengers Canada. Her new devotional, Finding Hope in Crisis: Devotions for Calm in Chaos, is available wherever Christian books are sold. www.gracefox.com

Filed Under: comfort, Covid, Depression, Expectations, faith, Fear, God's Word, Hope, Peace, Prayer, Problems, stress, Trusting God, Trying to understand, Uncategorized, weariness, Where is God? Tagged With: faith, fear, Feeling lost, hard times, hope, invisible God, peace, prayer, seeking answers, unanswered prayers, worry

More about Unwrapping the New You

March 15, 2021 by Linda Rooks Leave a Comment

Photo by Niclas Gustafsson

A TIME OF WAITING, a time of uncertainty causes us to look for new answers to life. Part of that is to discover more about who we are and who we want to be.

Some of that self-discovery is inward as we look to God to help us make changes. But some of it might take an outward focus too as we navigate through relationship challenges.

If you are reading my book, Fighting for Your Marriage while Separated, the chapter “Unwrapping the New You” holds some important truths about experiencing the joy of becoming the person God created you to be. In this post, I want to add additional strategies for those of you fighting for your marriage as you go through this period of change. God created us as physical beings, and along with the deeper changes we are making, there are practical ones as well that can contribute to finding victory at the other end of this journey.

Changing Things Up

We humans seem to be wired to enjoy change every now and then. We go along with things a certain way and then want to spice things up. That can apply to our marriages too, particularly a marriage that has gone stale or veered off course into brokenness or crisis. Doing something new for our marriage relationships can add a little pizzazz, and during a separation it might get a drifting mate’s attention.

So in addition to allowing God to make changes in your character, attitude and actions, you might also consider making some practical changes that stretches who you are. Your purpose is to become the fullest, most vibrant version of who God created you to be. Don’t make the mistake of trying to become who your spouse wants you to be. That’s not you. You want to become the person God wants you to be. You are a unique person, created by God to be His special child. Fulfilling His most complete vision of you is a tribute and honor to Him as well as a gratifying achievement for you. During this time of waiting, while you are exploring God’s heart and purpose for you, it’s your opportunity to spread your wings to mount up like eagles to discover more of God’s purpose in who you are individually as you seek to become the new you.

In doing this, you might want to try taking some fresh new approaches not typical of you, something unexpected. Think outside the box. Expand your interests and try new things. Read some interesting new books or take a course at the university. Consider taking up a new hobby, getting an interesting new job, or venturing out in a bold new direction. The interesting side effect can be that your spouse may take a second look. You might even consider taking a trip to a destination that causes your spouse to sit up and take notice. “You’re going there? Hmmm, interesting.”

Fighting for your marriage during a separation encompasses every aspect of life on every level. We are fighting Satan who comes to “kill, steal and destroy.” His tactics are numerous, and he takes advantage of every loophole he can find. So as a marriage warrior you need to be vigilant; you need to be wise . . . and you need to be creative. When Jesus sent his disciples out into the world, He said He was sending them out “as sheep among wolves,” and He instructed them to be “shrewd as snakes and innocent as doves” (Matt: 10:16 NIV). We take instruction from this as well.

When we are following God and fighting a battle in enemy territory, we too are as “sheep among wolves.” We need discernment and we need to allow God to lead us creatively as we tiptoe through the minefields of separation.

In her book, The Divorce Remedy Michelle Weiner Davis reminds her readers, “You are competing with your spouse’s fantasy of an ideal life without problems, or perhaps even a real-life affair.” So as a marriage warrior, your goal is to win your spouse’s heart away from Satan’s snares and give him or her a loving and alluring dose of God’s very best.

Practical Upgrades for the New You

When we dig down into some Old Testament stories, we can glean wonderful tidbits of practical wisdom.

In the story of Ruth, Naomi wanted her daughter-in-law to win over her relative Boaz, who had been kind to her, so he would marry her and take care of her. When she gave Ruth some personal advice about making herself attractive, Ruth listened to her mother-in-law’s recommendations. “Now do as I tell you,” Naomi said, “take a bath and put on perfume and dress in your nicest clothes. Then go to the threshing floor, but don’t let Boaz see you until he has finished eating and drinking” (Ruth 3:3 NLT).

As a woman of faith, Naomi was confident her advice to her daughter-in-law was consistent with God’s plan. Encouraging Ruth to make herself more attractive was not intended to manipulate but arouse Boaz’s affection. As a result of Ruth following Naomi’s instructions, Boaz not only married Ruth, but their child became the grandfather of David and was directly in the lineage of Jesus.

In the book of Esther, when Esther wanted to save her people, she did not immediately go to her husband the king and ask for what she wanted. First, she made herself attractive to him, she made him a banquet, and she made him wonder. Even during the first banquet, instead of letting him know what she wanted, she invited him to another feast before revealing what was on her heart. She aroused his curiosity and made him more interested.

Lessons from Ruth and Esther

What lessons can we learn from Ruth and Esther?

Make yourself attractive. Both Ruth and Esther made an extra effort to fix themselves up. For women, you might want to refresh the way you fix your hair, get a stylish new outfit or two, or lose a little weight. And for men, here’s a news flash. Women like men to look attractive too. So think about your weight as well and wear a nice shirt and neatly pressed pants when you are planning to see your wife.

Do we sometimes overlook the importance of the sense of smell? The first thing Naomi said to Ruth is, “Take a bath.” Make sure you bathe regularly, wear clean, fresh smelling clothes, and keep your breath sweet.
Be honest with yourself. Look in the mirror. Do you need to shed a few pounds? If so, start a healthy weight loss plan like Weight Watchers instead of a fad diet that merely puts you on a yo-yo cycle of losing/gaining weight.
Have you let yourself go over the years? Would a new hair style help? Scan some fashion magazines or talk to a hair stylist to get some ideas.
If you’re a woman, you might want to get a facial and freshen up your makeup. If you’re a man, maybe shape up your beard.
Think about the style and color of your clothes. Choose outfits that are appropriate for your body type and age. Select colors that complement your skin tone and hair color and bring out the color of your eyes.

Be less predictable and less available. By holding off in telling him what she wanted, Esther aroused the king’s curiosity. She awakened his interest and kept him coming back for more to see what she was up to.

Because you’re trying to win back your spouse’s heart, you may find yourself becoming co-dependent, trying to please him or her at every turn by doing what they want, when they want it, and how they want it. Instead, let God guide you in your reactions and decisions regarding your spouse. Like Esther, you may want to add variety to your responses and not be too predictable. Be the unique person that you are. And if you’re not sure what that means, let God guide you through His Word as He allows you to unwrap your uniqueness and individuality through your discovery of the gifts He has placed in your heart and hands.

God knows you inside and out. “Psalm 139: 13 and 16 says, “You created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother’s womb. . . All the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be.” The God who created you, loves you and wants you to be the best YOU you can be, and He knows just how to do it. When you ask Him for wisdom about how to become the new you He has wanted you to be from the beginning, He will show you.

To read more about how to unwrap the new you, my book, Fighting for Your Marriage while Separated, will help you look at yourself in new ways so at the end of this journey you can be proud of the person you have become whether or not your marriage is reconciled.

Filed Under: Divorce, Feeling unworthy, Hope, How to win, marriage, Marriage problems, New Directions, Reconciliation, Uncategorized, weight problems Tagged With: Feeling lost, hope, marital reconciliation, marital separation, Marriage, marriage in crisis, New Directions, seeking answers, troubled marriage, what to do

Change Me First, Then Heal My Marriage

March 4, 2021 by Linda Rooks 3 Comments

EACH YEAR DURING OUR CRISIS MARRIAGE CLASSES, participants from former years come to share their stories. One year, after we had dismissed to our small groups, I asked the women what they wanted to see happen in the coming weeks of class. One woman said, “I’ve seen all these couples come and tell us how their marriages have been restored, and one thing every one of them has said is that God changed them first, and then He healed their marriage. So I want to see how God wants to change me.”

Her perceptive comment impressed me greatly. And in the following weeks, I saw her listen to every word, ponder every idea, question what she didn’t understand, and own her mistakes as God opened her eyes to see them. Throughout our time together, she readily allowed God to make changes in her. Although her husband had initially said he wanted a divorce and had no interest in reconciling, a year later he decided to come to the class also, and their marriage was restored.

Change? What Me?

When crisis tears a marriage apart, something in the marriage is broken, and change is needed. Most people agree, but believe the change needs to happen in THE OTHER PERSON. And once they realize they can’t control or change their spouse, they believe the situation is hopeless.

But there is one person you do have control over. There is one person you can change. And that is YOU. Instead of focusing on your spouse’s faults and their contributions to the problems in your marriage, focus on your own.

Often we have blind spots when it comes to our own deficiencies, and we just don’t see them. They are hidden from our eyes, buried beneath our personal assumptions, generational patterns of behavior, personal pride, and accumulated life experiences. Scripture addresses this truth in Luke 6:42.

“how can you say to your brother, ‘Brother, let me remove the speck that is in your eye,’ when you yourself DO NOT SEE the plank that is in your own eye? . . . First remove the plank from your own eye, and THEN YOU WILL SEE CLEARLY to remove the speck that is in your brother’s eye.” (Emphasis added.)

How Do We Start?

So it all begins with you and your heavenly Father as you trust him to show you the truths about yourself. If you are willing to let God take you down a path of change, you may be surprised at the revelations He will show you on your journey. As you peer into the mirror of God’s Word with a humble spirit, one by one you may begin to see shortcomings in your own life that need change. These may include projected assumptions from past wounds that still need healing, negative approaches in your communication, reactions you have that demonstrate unhealthy attitudes, or ingrained outlooks or mindsets that are contrary to what pleases God.

By spending time in prayer, reading the Bible, listening to Christian radio and podcasts, reading Christian books and articles, and talking with Christian friends, the Lord can reveal to you your part in the marital breakdown and help you make changes that may eventually restore your relationship.

One thing to keep in mind, however, is that your intention is not to modify your behavior just to please your spouse, but to transform yourself into the person God created you to be.

God has plans for you. His desire is to draw you ever closer to Himself and grow you into a new and stronger person. You are His precious child, and a marital crisis may be the vehicle He uses to refine you into the person He first envisioned you to be.

“Do not conform any longer to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God’s will is—his good, pleasing and perfect will” (Romans 12:12).

To learn more about some of the changes you can make that will impact your marriage and potentially turn your marriage around, you can find help for a troubled marriage in my book, Fighting for Your Marriage while Separated.

Filed Under: God's Word, Hope, Marital separation, marriage, Marriage problems, Reconciliation, Time with God, Trusting God Tagged With: divorce, marital reconciliation, Marriage, marriage in crisis, New Directions, seeking answers, troubled marriage, what to do

The Challenge of Letting Go

February 17, 2021 by Linda Rooks Leave a Comment

Photo by Zac Durant

RESTORING A BROKEN MARRIAGE RELATIONSHIP encompasses a number of steps and heart changes along the way. But as I’ve walked beside people over the years, the most important one that takes place in an individual’s heart prior to the marriage actually being restored is when the one fighting for the marriage is able to truly let go and give it to God.

It’s hard to do though, and it’s not easy to understand.

I talk about it a lot, and as I think about it today, I remember a conversation I had years ago at a get-together with some women who were struggling through marital separation. One of the women whose marriage had already made tremendous progress toward healing, began talking about the importance of “letting go.”

The young woman beside me knit her brow with a perplexed expression and frowned. “I get right to the point of being able to let go,” she said, pinching her fingers together as though about to drop something, “and then . . . I just can’t do it.”

The woman next to her nodded. “That’s right. Me too. That’s how I am.”

An Image from The Lord of the Rings

My husband Marv and I had recently watched all three DVD’s of The Lord of the Rings movie, and as my friend spoke, my mind immediately conjured up the image of Frodo standing on the cliff at the end of the movie. He holds his hand over the edge of the precipice with the ring dangling at the end of the chain. Beneath, is the raging fire which has been his destination all through the movie. It is the one place where he can release the ring, see it destroyed, and with it destroy the evil that is taking over Middle Earth. All he has to do is release the ring and freedom can reign once again.

“That reminds me of the ending of The Lord of the Rings,” I said. “All through the movie Frodo has been besieged by the evil that the ring has brought to Middle Earth. He has witnessed again and again the destructive power of the ring and how it corrupts those who lust over it. He’s seen the damage, the death, the devastation that it causes. And with amazing strength of character, he has persevered through all of that. He’s survived the struggle, the hardship, the temptation. He’s been willing to traverse the darkest lands and oppressive terrains and he’s endured the threats of horrendous creatures in order to get to the mountain where he can destroy the evil. But when he gets to the very end, when he’s finally there, he stands at the edge of the cliff, dangling the ring at the end of the chain. He stares at it, but can’t let go.

Sam yells to him, “Let it GO! Just let GO!”

But he can’t.

The seductive power of the ring has taken hold.”

The Trouble with Surrendering and Letting Go

As we continued to talk that evening about the challenge of letting go, I shared with my friends how The Lord of the Rings presents a perfect visual image of the struggle we have with surrendering everything to God.

Like Frodo, we don’t want to lose control. The ring of power holds us captive. Even though it means our fleshly nature will reign instead of God’s will, we can’t put it all in God’s hands. The desire to be in control holds sway over us—especially when we’re afraid that if we let go, God might not do what we want Him to do.

How many times have I seen or heard from a woman or man whose greatest desire is to reunite with their spouse? They’ve gone through the anguish, they’ve suffered hardship to get things to change. But they are unable to surrender to God to let Him take care of it. We want to do it by ourselves, even though our own methods have already failed. We somehow think if we think about it enough, talk about it enough, remind our spouse enough times, things will somehow change. We’re locked in a pattern where we keep repeating the same actions. We’re traveling in circles, or worse, we’re pushing our spouse further away. We’re afraid if we put it in God’s hands, He’ll do something we won’t like. The fear of losing control, the desire to do it our own way keeps us in bondage. We can’t let go.

But God, who created us, who created our world, who is omnipotent and sees everything . . . understands what is happening; He has answers we don’t have. He knows our spouse inside and out, just like he also knows us. He can “work all things together for good to those who love Him and are called according to His purpose*” if we can surrender it all to Him and let go of having to control it ourselves.

First, however, we have to summon the inner strength to follow through so we can let go and trust Him. He is the Good that will banish evil. He is the Light that will shine in the darkness. He is the Word of God who will enlighten our understanding and point us in the right direction.

So as we stand on that precipice, holding that ring of power, we have to have the will, the faith, the strength to let it go.

Proverbs 3:5-6 tells us to, “Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make your paths straight.”

Seek first the kingdom of God and his righteousness and all these things will be added unto you (Mathew 6:33).

*(Rom. 8:28)

If your marriage is in trouble and you need to know how to fight for it, letting go is an important part of experiencing the victory. My books, Broken Heart on Hold and Fighting for Your Marriage while Separated can show you the path through the labyrinth of confusion so you can find the hope God has for you.

Nest week: Perhaps the hardest issue of all–infidelity.

Filed Under: Divorce, faith, Hope, How to win, Letting go, Love, Marital separation, marriage, Marriage problems, Reconciliation, Surrendering to God, Trusting God, Trying to understand Tagged With: divorce, faith, Love, marital reconciliation, marital separation, Marriage, marriage in crisis, seeking answers, troubled marriage

Men, Do You Know How To Fight for Your Marriage?

January 28, 2021 by Linda Rooks Leave a Comment

Photo by Diego Fagundes

WHAT DOES A MAN DO when his wife threatens to leave or get a divorce? His marriage can still be saved – even after a separation, but there is a right way and a wrong way to do it. Too often, men don’t know how to fight for their marriage and end up doing it the wrong way. But be encouraged! There is a right way to fight for your marriage, and with a little patience and soul searching, you have a good chance of turning things around. Below are two stories – the first shows the wrong way to fight for your marriage; the second shows the right way.

DOING IT THE WRONG WAY

When Wayne’s wife told him she wanted to get a divorce, he was stunned. He never saw it coming. At first, he just didn’t believe her when she said she wanted a divorce. He knew she loved him and usually went along with what he wanted. She couldn’t be serious. So he sent her some flowers and told her he loved her.

When she wasn’t swayed from her decision and told him she indeed was serious and wanted a divorce, he spent some time in denial. He would just go on as normal for awhile, and she’d get over it. But she didn’t get over it. She moved out.

Now he was angry. He went to her new apartment and argued with her, trying to persuade her to change her mind. He ridiculed her for wanting to run away from problems. But she didn’t back down. She asked him to leave.

Wayne was not used to losing. He was a born winner, and he would figure out how to get her to change her mind. He sent her flowers again, then bought her a lovely coat she’d been wanting.

She returned the coat and said she would be filing for divorce soon.

When he received the papers, he was devastated. But he wasn’t about to let her see his pain. No, he didn’t want a divorce, but he wasn’t going to crawl to her either.

He knew how to play this game, and he would win.

Gathering together all his male gutzpa, he decided he would simply show her she couldn’t win. He’d show her that without him, she would have a hard time surviving on her own. He’d show her who was boss. He hired an attorney and figured out how to squash her hopes of separating and divorcing by using every trick he could to keep her from getting any of his money. He fought to keep her from getting any of his retirement. He fought to deny her a share of his 401K. He fought to keep her from continuing on his insurance. Some fights he won, and some he lost. It was a nasty fight. And it became a nasty and bitter divorce—a divorce that DID take place despite his bitter determination.

When the divorce happened, reality set in for him. Suddenly, he realized he’d lost the love of his life. The fight was over, and she was gone. With the final decree, he was beside himself. How did this happen? How did he lose her? How would he go on without her? The pain he’d been holding back now had no place to go. He dissolved into a state of depression – sometimes trying to escape with a bottle, sometimes with other women, sometimes in a lonely state of grief. He even called her once, crying on the phone, telling her he loved her and wanted her back. But it was over. The divorce was final. She was moving on.

Occasionally, he tried to reach out to her with a note of apology, but now she didn’t even answer. His heart was broken, and it was years before he was able to move forward again.

A BETTER WAY TO FIGHT FOR YOUR MARRIAGE

When Seth’s wife told him she wanted a divorce, he was shocked. He never expected his loving and agreeable wife to want to leave him. He immediately questioned her, asked her why and what he could do to change her mind. She said there was nothing he could do, that it was too late for change, and she’d made up her mind. Seth was devastated.

Although heartbroken, he took a step back from their situation and tried to get a fresh look. He talked to a pastor, a counselor, and a trusted Christian friend. They advised him to trust God, to give his wife some space, and to ask God to show him the truth about what had been happening in his relationship with his wife. He turned to God in prayer, asking God for wisdom and direction. He found a couple of Christian books, and all the while, instead of chasing after his wife, he gave her some space.

As Seth searched the scriptures, read the books, and talked to his counselor, he began to see changes he needed to make in himself. He realized he’d been too controlling and too dismissive about his wife’s needs. He realized he hadn’t given her a voice in resolving conflicts and disagreements. He always won the arguments – or so he thought. But did he really win? Or did he just wear her out until she gave in to him?

As he recognized his failures, he wrote her a letter, apologizing to her for the many times he’d been insensitive to her and for railroading his own agenda instead of truly listening to her about her own needs and wants. Although she thanked him, she had no intention of changing course. She still wanted a divorce.

Seth was horribly discouraged, but his Christian friend as well as his counselor told him to give it time. That’s what the books said too. When he had contact with his wife, he didn’t press her or argue with her. Instead, he tried to encourage her and show her appreciation. He suggested they go to counseling and when she refused, telling him it was over, he told her he understood he’d made a lot of mistakes, and she had reason to want to back away. But he also said he was trying to make changes, and he thought they could work it out if they went to counseling and trusted God for their marriage. He told her he didn’t want a divorce, and if she wanted it, she’d have to be the one to file.

She visited a lawyer and talked about filing, but time went by with very little change. Whenever they had contact, he tried to have a positive attitude. He offered to help her with her car when it broke down and took care of her cat when she went away to visit her parents in another state. He tried to be supportive of her.

One day he called her to tell her about a change in their insurance, and they ended up having a long conversation – not about their relationship or their future, but just about what each of them were doing. They soon began having other conversations by text and phone – congenial conversations about current events in their lives and the lives of their families. Finally, in one of those conversations, Seth asked if she’d like to meet for coffee. She agreed, and gradually, they began to meet for other occasions – once to shop for a present for his sister who was having a baby, another time to catch one of their favorite music acts that had come to town. By this time, two years had gone by since his wife first said she wanted a divorce. They continued for several more months, having a merely friendly relationship – not talking about their marriage or their future together—just enjoying the times they spent together.

Finally, one day over coffee, his wife looked at him, and said, “You’ve changed.”

He felt his heart thumping inside of him. “Thank you,” he said. “God has been showing me some things I needed to see.” She smiled, and he smiled back. And then he said it. “Do you think there’s a chance we might be able to work this out?”

“Perhaps,” she said. “Maybe we should give it a try.”

These two stories are compilations from true stories that have happened to actual people. If your marriage is in crisis, I pray they will help you take an honest look at yourself so you can take a step back and move forward with God to bring positive change to your marriage.

If you want to fight for your marriage and avoid common pitfalls in order to save it, my book, Fighting for Your Marriage while Separated, will guide you through this difficult labyrinth of decision making and confusion so you can find the happy ending you are looking for.

Next week: Women: Do you know how to fight for your marriage?

Filed Under: Divorce, Hope, How to win, Love, Marital separation, marriage, Marriage problems, men & women, Reconciliation, Uncategorized Tagged With: conflicts, divorce, Feeling lost, hope, Love, marital reconciliation, marital separation, Marriage, marriage in crisis, Marriage resources, seeking answers, troubled marriage, what to do

Let’s Talk about Marriage in Crisis . . .

January 13, 2021 by Linda Rooks Leave a Comment

Photo by Ben White

For the past several months of 2020 our world has been in such crisis that I have spent much of my time on Heart Talk just working through the daily troubles we’re experiencing together as a people. As a result, I haven’t focused on marriage as much as I’d like.

So today I’m beginning a series on marriage—particularly focusing on how to work through a marriage in crisis so you come out on the other side in one piece. During the following weeks, some of my posts will actually be segments I initially planned to include in my latest book, Fighting for Your Marriage while Separated, but which didn’t appear in the final release. With these posts, I hope to continue walking beside you as you work to bring restoration to your marriage.

If your life is embroiled in chaos because of what is happening in your marriage, throwing a pandemic into the mix certainly doesn’t help. An already broken heart has a hard time holding the pieces together. Discouragement, depression, and hopelessness swirl around you like a bad dream. Loneliness engulfs you, and you can’t even reach out to people because we’re in a pandemic.

Even without a pandemic, those who are separated or have a marriage in crisis are some of the loneliest people around. A study conducted in 1991 about loneliness in adults reported that the separated are more lonely than any other group of adults categorized by marital status. In fact, 29.6% of the Separated say they are lonely compared to 20.6% widowed, 20.4% divorced, 14.5% never married and 4.6% married. Even if you could go out and spend time with people, when you are separated, you don’t feel like you belong anywhere. And when you’re in the middle of marital crisis but still together, your couple times with others may seem disingenuous.

Hope seems like a foreign word in another language. What does hope even mean? What does it look like? Where do you find it?

It begins by taking a step back from the crisis and getting a new perspective. It begins by focusing your heart and mind on the invitation of Psalm 46:10, “Be still and know that I am God.” In our lonely state, we can enter into a communication with our God that goes deeper than what we’ve known before. He can open our eyes to things we’ve missed and truths that penetrate any errors in our thinking. And He’s always near.

As you wait, let these words form a prayer on your lips, “But now, Lord, what do I look for? My hope is in you.” Psalm 39:7

In our marriage classes, many times it has been Psalm 46:10 that has redirected a person’s thoughts and actions to bring them to a place where they can change the course of their marriage. And, often, it’s a day of prayer that shifts a person’s thinking and starts them on the path toward reconciliation. Alberto’s story, in my book, Fighting for Your Marriage while Separated, testifies to this very truth. It was when he was quiet before God that God began turning his life around. As a result, he and his wife reconciled, and now, several years later, their marriage is thriving. To this day Alberto serves God with a humble heart and has been involved in helping other men on their path to reconciliation in their marriages.

So today, stop! Look to the Lord. Let Him quiet your spirit so you can begin to hear His voice.

We wait in hope for the Lord; he is our help and our shield. Psalm 33:20

Why, my soul, are you downcast? Why so disturbed within me? Put your hope in God, for I will yet praise him, my Savior and my God. Psalm 42:5

If you’re experiencing a marriage in crisis, let my first book, Broken Heart on Hold, be that needed friend, walking beside you to help you quiet your heart while you look to God to heal your emotions and give you strength for the journey.

Filed Under: Divorce, Hope, How to win, Lonliness, Marital separation, marriage, Marriage problems, New Directions, Prayer, Reconciliation, Time with God, Uncategorized Tagged With: divorce, Feeling lost, hope, marital reconciliation, marital separation, Marriage, marriage in crisis, New Directions, prayer, seeking answers, troubled marriage, what to do

Planning Ahead in 2021

December 30, 2020 by Linda Rooks Leave a Comment

Photo by Jude Beck

As we happily throw away last year’s calendar and move on from 2020, it’s time to go to God and seek direction for 2021.

The grand plans we had for 2020 may have gone awry when the pandemic hit, but we can use it as a good reminder of what scripture tells us in Proverbs 19:21, “Many are the plans in a person’s heart, but it is the Lord’s purpose that prevails.” We don’t know what the future holds, but as Christians we know Who holds the future. We can make our resolutions. We can make our plans. But only as we give them to God will God’s best for us succeed.

So let’s include God as we set our goals for 2021.

The Goal Setting Guide below provides an opportunity to set goals in seven areas of your life. As you think over the past year and look ahead to the future, I encourage you to read the accompanying scriptures and pray over how God may be leading you in 2021.

GOAL SETTING FOR THE NEW YEAR

I. PERSONAL GOALS

Practical Steps For Achieving:

“And my God will meet all your needs according to his glorious riches in Christ Jesus.” Phil. 4:19

II. MARRIAGE AND RELATIONSHIP GOALS:

Practical Steps For Achieving:

“Submit to one another out of reverence for Christ.” Eph. 5:21

III. FAMILY GOALS: