Men, Do You Know How To Fight for Your Marriage?

January 28, 2021 by Leave a Comment

Photo by Diego Fagundes

WHAT DOES A MAN DO when his wife threatens to leave or get a divorce? His marriage can still be saved – even after a separation, but there is a right way and a wrong way to do it.  Too often, men don’t know how to fight for their marriage and end up doing it the wrong way. But be encouraged! There is a right way to fight for your marriage, and with a little patience and soul searching, you have a good chance of turning things around. Below are two stories – the first  shows the wrong way to fight for your marriage; the second shows the right way.

DOING IT THE WRONG WAY

When Wayne’s wife told him she wanted to get a divorce, he was stunned. He never saw it coming. At first, he just didn’t believe her when she said she wanted a divorce. He knew she loved him and usually went along with what he wanted. She couldn’t be serious. So he sent her some flowers and told her he loved her.

When she wasn’t swayed from her decision and told him she indeed was serious and wanted a divorce, he spent some time in denial.  He would just go on as normal for awhile, and she’d get over it. But she didn’t get over it. She moved out.

Now he was angry. He went to her new apartment and argued with her, trying to persuade her to change her mind. He ridiculed her for wanting to run away from problems. But she didn’t back down. She asked him to leave.

Wayne was not used to losing. He was a born winner, and he would figure out how to get her to change her mind. He sent her flowers again, then bought her a lovely coat she’d been wanting.

She returned the coat and said she would be filing for divorce soon.

When he received the papers, he was devastated. But he wasn’t about to let her see his pain. No, he didn’t want a divorce, but he wasn’t going to crawl to her either.

He knew how to play this game, and he would win.

Gathering together all his male gutzpa, he decided he would simply show her she couldn’t win. He’d show her that without him, she would have a hard time surviving on her own. He’d show her who was boss. He hired an attorney and figured out how to squash her hopes of separating and divorcing by using every trick he could to keep her from getting any of his money. He fought to keep her from getting any of his retirement. He fought to deny her a share of his 401K. He fought to keep her from continuing on his insurance. Some fights he won, and some he lost. It was a nasty fight. And it became a nasty and bitter divorce—a divorce that DID take place despite his bitter determination.

When the divorce happened, reality set in for him. Suddenly, he realized he’d lost the love of his life. The fight was over, and she was gone. With the final decree, he was beside himself. How did this happen? How did he lose her? How would he go on without her? The pain he’d been holding back now had no place to go. He dissolved into a state of depression – sometimes trying to escape with a bottle, sometimes with other women, sometimes in a lonely state of grief. He even called her once, crying on the phone, telling her he loved her and wanted her back. But it was over. The divorce was final. She was moving on.

Occasionally, he tried to reach out to her with a note of apology, but now she didn’t even answer. His heart was broken, and it was years before he was able to move forward again.

A BETTER WAY TO FIGHT FOR YOUR MARRIAGE

When Seth’s wife told him she wanted a divorce, he was shocked. He never expected his loving and agreeable wife to want to leave him. He immediately questioned her, asked her why and what he could do to change her mind. She said there was nothing he could do, that it was too late for change, and she’d made up her mind.  Seth was devastated.

Although heartbroken, he took a step back from their situation and tried to get a fresh look. He talked to a pastor, a counselor, and a trusted Christian friend.  They advised him to trust God, to give his wife some space, and to ask God to show him the truth about what had been happening in his relationship with his wife. He turned to God in prayer, asking God for wisdom and direction. He found a couple of Christian books, and all the while, instead of chasing after his wife, he gave her some space.

As Seth searched the scriptures, read the books, and talked to his counselor, he began to see changes he needed to make in himself. He realized he’d been too controlling and too dismissive about his wife’s needs. He realized he hadn’t given her a voice in resolving conflicts and disagreements. He always won the arguments – or so he thought. But did he really win? Or did he just wear her out until she gave in to him?

As he recognized his failures, he wrote her a letter, apologizing to her for the many times he’d been insensitive to her and for railroading his own agenda instead of truly listening to her about her own needs and wants. Although she thanked him, she had no intention of changing course. She still wanted a divorce.

Seth was horribly discouraged, but his Christian friend as well as his counselor told him to give it time. That’s what the books said too. When he had contact with his wife, he didn’t press her or argue with her. Instead, he tried to encourage her and show her appreciation.  He suggested they go to counseling and when she refused, telling him it was over, he told her he understood he’d made a lot of mistakes, and she had reason to want to back away. But he also said he was trying to make changes, and he thought they could work it out if they went to counseling and trusted God for their marriage. He told her he didn’t want a divorce, and if she wanted it, she’d have to be the one to file.

She visited a lawyer and talked about filing, but time went by with very little change. Whenever they had contact, he tried to have a positive attitude. He offered to help her with her car when it broke down and took care of her cat when she went away to visit her parents in another state. He tried to be supportive of her.

One day he called her to tell her about a change in their insurance, and they ended up having a long conversation – not about their relationship or their future, but just about what each of them were doing. They soon began having other conversations by text and phone – congenial conversations about current events in their lives and the lives of their families.  Finally, in one of those conversations, Seth asked if she’d like to meet for coffee. She agreed, and gradually, they began to meet for other occasions – once to shop for a present for his sister who was having a baby, another time to catch one of their favorite music acts that had come to town. By this time, two years had gone by since his wife first said she wanted a divorce. They continued for several more months, having a merely friendly relationship – not talking about their marriage or their future together—just enjoying the times they spent together.

Finally, one day over coffee, his wife looked at him, and said, “You’ve changed.”

He felt his heart thumping inside of him. “Thank you,” he said. “God has been showing me some things I needed to see.” She smiled, and he smiled back. And then he said it. “Do you think there’s a chance we might be able to work this out?”

“Perhaps,” she said. “Maybe we should give it a try.”

These two stories are compilations from true stories that have happened to actual people. If your marriage is in crisis, I pray they will help you take an honest look at yourself so you can take a step back and move forward with God to bring positive change to your marriage.

If you want to fight for your marriage and avoid common pitfalls in order to save it, my book, Fighting for Your Marriage while Separated, will guide you through this difficult labyrinth of decision making and confusion so you can find the happy ending you are looking for.

Next week: Women: Do you know how to fight for your marriage?

Share
Filed Under: Divorce, Hope, How to win, Love, Marital separation, marriage, Marriage problems, men & women, Reconciliation, Uncategorized Tagged With: , , , , , , , , , , , ,

Yes, Your Marriage Can Be Saved – Author Interview with Joe and Michelle Williams

January 21, 2021 by 1 Comment

When a person’s marriage crashes into crisis, one of the first questions they may ask, is, “Can my marriage be saved? Or is it too late?” Joe and Michelle Williams’ book answers that question directly. Their book, Yes, Your Marriage Can Be Saved, not only tells you that yes, it can, but it provides numerous tools to help you actually do it.

Yes, Your Marriage Can Be Saved is a companion book to the course the Williams had previously created called Marriage 911, a course that my husband and I have lead for 14 years in Central Florida, and a course that takes place in numerous cities across America. If you have taken Marriage 911, this book will solidify for you the principles in the class. If not, it will give you fresh perspectives to help you discover the truth in the title of their book. For, yes, your marriage can be saved. I am pleased today to interview Joe and Michelle Williams about their book.

Linda: Michelle, tell us what lead you to write your book, Yes, Your Marriage Can Be Saved, that was published by Focus on the Family in 2006?

Michelle: After Joe and I reconciled from being separated for two years, we began helping marriages in crisis in 1990. In 1997 we created a workbook and a 12-week curriculum that many churches in California and across the nation began using to help couples who seemed to have no hope. As you know, we also began traveling to many of the churches, including yours, and meeting many leaders and authors. Many of the authors, including yourself, encouraged us to write a book using true stories from the many people we had helped.

Linda: So, Joe, would you say that Yes, Your Marriage Can Be Saved is a book that includes only stories of saved marriages?

 Joe: No, even though the book is filled with true stories of people whose marriages were on the brink of divorce we felt it was important to include stories of marriages that didn’t make it. For instance, one of the guys that I worked with during his marriage crisis did everything he could to save the marriage, but his wife had no desire to work on the marriage and finally filed for divorce. I wanted his story in there because he was an example of men who need to stay plugged into a support group and not go through their pain alone. Steve did that, and even though he has not remarried, he became a godly man for his children and had peace through his difficult time.

Linda: Please tell us more about the book. I know it includes stories from those you have walked alongside. But what else is in your book?

 Michelle: Our story of separation and reconciliation is also woven throughout each chapter and includes all the reconciliation tools that are in our Marriage 911: First Response workbook. At the end of each chapter are questions that can be answered in small groups, as a couple, or privately.

Linda: Can you give an example of how Yes, Your Marriage Can Be Saved differs from the Marriage 911 workbook since it includes the same tools?

Michelle: Yes, as you know, our 12-week workbook is meant to be done with a same gender support partner or in a same-gender class, without the participation of their spouse. In contrast, Yes, Your Marriage Can be Saved is designed to be read as a couple so they can contemplate the questions together or with other couples. The examples and communication tips are explained in a way that is easy for a couple to discuss since there is a lot of humor intertwined with teaching them better ways to disagree or accept personality and anger-expression differences.

Linda: So, if someone is separated or has a spouse who doesn’t want to read it, is the book still helpful?

Joe: I don’t like to read, so Michelle reads out loud to me while we drive. I’ve “read” tons of books without ever having to! Most of the guys I know feel the same, but all of them have said they don’t mind being read to.

Michelle: If someone is physically separated we recommend getting a small group together or at least one other same-gender person to read it and discuss weekly. But, honesty, many of the people we have heard from over the years have read it alone, put the tools in action and made their own personal changes without their spouse ever participating. As Joe mentioned, there are several stories of marriages that were not saved, but lives changed for the better and we include those stories to encourage the reader whose marriage may not be saved. Remember, the name of the books is “Yes, Your Marriage CAN Be Saved”…not WILL.

Linda: Do people use both the Marriage 911 workbook and the Yes, Your Marriage Can be Saved book together?

Michelle: That is always the best way if a church is offering a 12-week class. The workbook has all the tools, but not all the examples. In Yes, Your Marriage Can Be Saved each tool is discussed in depth with several examples of additional communication tips. Since a couple can read the book together they do not have to have their own, as they do with the workbook.

Linda:  Can you two give an example of the tools and communication tips?

Joe: The first thing we recommend in Yes, Your Marriage Can Be Saved is to create a support system so that the reader does not go through their marriage crisis alone. Being isolated and alone is what Satan wants, and when someone is alone and hopeless the enemy wins. The support system of our ministry is key—regardless of how the marriage is doing. Another important factor about having support is that it creates accountability. In my own life, until Michelle and I separated in 1987 for two years, I had never been accountable to a group of men. I think my being in a men’s group and studying the word with other guys played a big part of Michelle and I reconciling.

 Michelle: We know the importance of accepting differences when it comes to communicating, because that was one of the biggest hurdles for us in our marriage. Woven throughout the book are tips and tools to deal with anger, honesty, fear, and personality differences. These differences can really show up when storms such as parenting, finances, or family drama blindside a marriage. So in Yes, Your Marriage Can Be Saved we create examples of how to accept these differences and keep a right focus so couples or individuals can not only survive but actually thrive in the midst of difficulty.

Linda: Where can couples get the book?

Joe: They can order it from their local bookstore, or Amazon, or visit our website, Marriage911Godsway.com.  Many of the churches who offer our ministry have it on hand in their church library or bookstore.

Linda:  If someone wants to start a Marriage 911 program in their church, how should they go about it?

Michelle: It’s easy to start a ministry. Just visit the website: Marriage911Godsway.com, and order a leader’s kit. We have a step-by-step plan in the leader’s guide, which explains how to start a small group or class, or use the resources one-on-one. The weekly videos on our website can be used in a small group or class, or the person can do it on their own.

Linda: If someone wants to attend, but there isn’t a Marriage 911 class nearby, is there an alternative?

Joe: We offer trained national support partners and online videos once a person orders any of our workbooks or book.

Share
Filed Under: BOOKS, Divorce, Hope, How to win, Interviews, Marital separation, marriage, Marriage problems, marriage resources, Reconciliation, Uncategorized Tagged With: , , , , , , , , ,

Let’s Talk about Marriage in Crisis . . .

January 13, 2021 by Leave a Comment

Photo by Ben White

For the past several months of 2020 our world has been in such crisis that I have spent much of my time on Heart Talk just working through the daily troubles we’re experiencing together as a people. As a result, I haven’t focused on marriage as much as I’d like.

So today I’m beginning a series on marriage—particularly focusing on how to work through a marriage in crisis so you come out on the other side in one piece. During the following weeks, some of my posts will actually be segments I initially planned to include in my latest book, Fighting for Your Marriage while Separated, but which didn’t appear in the final release. With these posts, I hope to continue walking beside you as you work to bring restoration to your marriage.

If your life is embroiled in chaos because of what is happening in your marriage, throwing a pandemic into the mix certainly doesn’t help. An already broken heart has a hard time holding the pieces together. Discouragement, depression, and hopelessness swirl around you like a bad dream. Loneliness engulfs you, and you can’t even reach out to people because we’re in a pandemic.

Even without a pandemic, those who are separated or have a marriage in crisis are some of the loneliest people around. A study conducted in 1991 about loneliness in adults reported that the separated are more lonely than any other group of adults categorized by marital status. In fact, 29.6% of the Separated say they are lonely compared to 20.6% widowed, 20.4% divorced, 14.5% never married and 4.6% married. Even if you could go out and spend time with people, when you are separated, you don’t feel like you belong anywhere. And when you’re in the middle of marital crisis but still together, your couple times with others may seem disingenuous.

Hope seems like a foreign word in another language. What does hope even mean? What does it look like? Where do you find it?

It begins by taking a step back from the crisis and getting a new perspective. It begins by focusing your heart and mind on the invitation of Psalm 46:10, “Be still and know that I am God.”  In our lonely state, we can enter into a communication with our God that goes deeper than what we’ve known before. He can open our eyes to things we’ve missed and truths that penetrate any errors in our thinking. And He’s always near.

As you wait, let these words form a prayer on your lips, “But now, Lord, what do I look for? My hope is in you.” Psalm 39:7

In our marriage classes, many times it has been Psalm 46:10 that has redirected a person’s thoughts and actions to bring them to a place where they can change the course of their marriage. And, often, it’s a day of prayer that shifts a person’s thinking and starts them on the path toward reconciliation.  Alberto’s story, in my book, Fighting for Your Marriage while Separated, testifies to this very truth. It was when he was quiet before God that God began turning his life around. As a result, he and his wife reconciled, and now, several years later, their marriage is thriving. To this day Alberto serves God with a humble heart and has been involved in helping other men on their path to reconciliation in their marriages.

So today, stop! Look to the Lord. Let Him quiet your spirit so you can begin to hear His voice.

We wait in hope for the Lord; he is our help and our shield. Psalm 33:20

Why, my soul, are you downcast? Why so disturbed within me? Put your hope in God, for I will yet praise him, my Savior and my God. Psalm 42:5

If you’re experiencing a marriage in crisis, let my first book, Broken Heart on Hold, be that needed friend, walking beside you to help you quiet your heart while you look to God to heal your emotions and give you strength for the journey.

Share
Filed Under: Divorce, Hope, How to win, Lonliness, Marital separation, marriage, Marriage problems, New Directions, Prayer, Reconciliation, Time with God, Uncategorized Tagged With: , , , , , , , , , , ,

Planning Ahead in 2021

December 30, 2020 by Leave a Comment

Photo by Jude Beck

As we happily throw away last year’s calendar and move on from 2020, it’s time to go to God and seek direction for 2021.

The grand plans we had for 2020 may have gone awry when the pandemic hit, but we can use it as a good reminder of what scripture tells us in Proverbs 19:21, “Many are the plans in a person’s heart, but it is the Lord’s purpose that prevails.” We don’t know what the future holds, but as Christians we know Who holds the future.  We can make our resolutions. We can make our plans. But only as we give them to God will God’s best for us succeed.

So let’s include God as we set our goals for 2021.

The Goal Setting Guide below provides an opportunity to set goals in seven areas of your life. As you think over the past year and look ahead to the future, I encourage you to read the accompanying scriptures and pray over how God may be leading you in 2021.

GOAL SETTING FOR THE NEW YEAR

I. PERSONAL GOALS

Practical Steps For Achieving:

 

“And my God will meet all your needs according to his glorious riches in Christ Jesus.” Phil. 4:19

II. MARRIAGE AND RELATIONSHIP GOALS:

Practical Steps For Achieving:

 

“Submit to one another out of reverence for Christ.” Eph. 5:21

III. FAMILY GOALS:

Practical Steps for Achieving:

 

“Love is patient; love is kind. It does not envy; it does not boast; it is not proud. It is not rude; it is not self-seeking; it is not easily angered; it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.” I Cor. 13:4-7

IV. CAREER GOALS:

Practical Steps for Achieving:

 

“Commit to the Lord whatever you do, and your plans will succeed.” Prov. 16:3

V. ATTITUDE GOALS:

Practical Steps for Achieving:

 

“…be made new in the attitude of your minds, and to put on the new self, created to be like God in true righteousness and holiness.” Eph. 4:23-24

VI. GOALS OF SERVICE TO GOD AND OTHERS:

Practical Steps for Achieving:

 

“And do not forget to do good and to share with others, for with such sacrifices God is pleased.” Heb. 13:16

VII. SPIRITUAL GOALS:

Practical Steps for Achieving:

 

“And we pray this in order that you may live a life worthy of the Lord and may please him in every way, bearing fruit in every good work, growing in the knowledge of God, being strengthened with all power according to His glorious might so that you may have great endurance and patience and joyfully giving thanks to the Father…” Col. 1:10-11

 

If you are struggling to understand how to move ahead in 2021 because of problems in your marriage or family, I encourage you to check out my latest award-winning book, Fighting for Your Marriage while Separated.

Share
Filed Under: Covid, disappointment, Expectations, Goals and Resolutions, How to win, marriage, New Directions, New Years, Trusting God, Uncategorized Tagged With: , , , , , ,

The Paradox of Following God

October 22, 2020 by Leave a Comment

FreeDigitalPhotos.net

Years ago in a ministry at church, I found myself at loggerheads with another woman working on the same project. Although we had similar objectives, we completely clashed in our methodology. I became discouraged and frustrated that she seemed so inflexible and unwilling to consider my point of view.

But sometime prior to this, my husband and I had been convicted that whenever we had problems with someone, we should begin praying for them. So grudgingly, I started praying for her.

A few weeks later . . . after we started praying for her, my husband and I were thrust into a social setting with her and her husband. As we spent time talking together, we found we had a lot in common . . . and we enjoyed them! Within about six months, they had become some of our best friends.

What was even more surprising is that when we applied this principle to other problem relationships as well, the outcome was similar. Again and again, when we had trouble with someone and prayed for them specifically, they ended up becoming especially good friends. It happened so often, in fact, that it became almost funny. Anytime we had problems with someone and prayed for them, we wondered if they’d end up becoming some of our best friends.

The Paradox

While our human logic often tells us to react according to fleshly inclinations, the paradox of following God is that when we do what God asks us to do, we find it’s His leading and His ways that produce the positive consequences we desire. Too often, however, we react in the flesh and, instead of seeking God, we take the opposite path and wind up with problems we could have avoided.

In a troublesome relationship, arguing, becoming aloof, or maneuvering our way around the situation seems a much more logical approach than praying for someone who annoys us, hurts us, angers us, or causes us problems.

But God, in His infinite wisdom, whose thoughts and ways are higher than ours, has a different way. And He wants us to come to Him to find out what it is. For when we do, we will discover that his paradox, although hard to understand, takes us into the more abundant life we’re looking for.

An Unexpected Response

In the story of Job, when everything in his life fell apart, friends allegedly came to comfort him. But instead they accused him, vilified him, doubted his integrity and caused him great grief.

During these exchanges with his friends, Job continually sought God to come and talk to him. When God did come and answer Job, God told Job to pray for these men who had been so unkind and tactless.

[The Lord] said to Eliphaz the Temanite, “I am angry with you and your two friends . . . . My servant Job will pray for you, and I will accept his prayer and not deal with you according to your folly.”Job 42:7, 8b

At this declaration from God, I wonder if Job’s first inclination was to do a double take. “Huh? Me pray for them? After all their accusations in the midst of my suffering?”

But Job did what the Lord said to do. Job prayed for his friends.

“And the Lord accepted Job’s prayer.” Job 42:9

But not only did God “accept” Job’s prayer, God used Job’s praying for his friends to bless Job as well . . . in amazing ways.

“After Job had prayed for his friends, the Lord made him prosperous again and gave him twice as much as he had before.” Job 42:10

The Paradox of Job’s Prayer

Job’s prayers are what let his friends off the hook with God so He did not punish them. And after Job prayed for his friends, the Lord healed him and blessed him. But why didn’t God just forgive Job’s friends on His own if He wanted to do that and bless Job as He apparently wanted to do? Why put that responsibility on Job when he was hurting and had reason to resent his friends’ actions?

Because God was doing something that transcends our human understanding. In the spiritual realm, actions that seem paradoxical to our human flesh often bring about shifts in heavenly places. By praying for his friends, Job humbled himself to acknowledge that God’s understanding was far beyond his own and that surrendering to God’s unfathomable ways was the key to living a life pleasing to God.

This principle applies to some of the deeper and stickier issues of life as well.

In my ministry to people who are separated or in a martial crisis, one of the things I often encourage them to do is to completely focus on God and “let go” of their spouse. But I frequently get this question as a result. “Does letting go mean that I should stop praying for him/her?”

In my response I urge them to simply let go of the expectations that God will do what they want Him to do and just pray that God will bless their spouse with a new love for God and an enlightened and discerning heart. No strings attached.

It’s not what we want to do in the natural. Our flesh rails against the idea. We want the strings. But the humility of our obedience even though it turns our hearts inside out, reaches the heart of God. With our hearts softened and malleable to His touch, our hurts become a spiritual sacrifice that He uses to bless us and give us a transformed heart, mind, and life.

God’s paradox is our lifeline to His heart.

If your marriage needs to turn around, Fighting for Your Marriage while Separated, can take you in a new direction.

Share
Filed Under: Conflict, disappointment, Expectations, How to win, Letting go, Marriage problems, Prayer, Problems, Trying to understand, Uncategorized Tagged With: , , , , ,

A Question about Judging Others

September 24, 2020 by Leave a Comment

Photo by Tingey Injury Law Firm

Today I’m thinking. I’m not telling a story, and I’m not sure if I have a particular point to make. But I wanted to invite you into my reflections on a movie my husband and I recently watched. Maybe you have some thoughts you want to share on the subject too.  If so, I invite you to do so.

The movie we watched is “Green Book,” a true story about the relationship between a black concert pianist, Dr. Donald Shirley, and the rough and burly Italian driver he hired to drive him around the South for his performances back in the ’60s. His driver’s name was Tony Lip Vallelonga.

The movie was both eye-opening and thought provoking, providing a unique perspective of what it was like to be a black person in the South back in the early-middle part of the twentieth century and the humiliation so many of these people suffered simply because of the color of their skin. It is difficult for those of us of a different race to understand the humiliation they suffered simply because of the color of their skin.

But the movie went even deeper than that. When you peel away the layers of the story and the personalities involved, the significance and implications did not just revolve around race, but about the persona others see on the outside of a person versus the character within – whether that’s the skin color or the outer behavior and words.

The most obvious example of this was the refined, musical genius who happened to be black; but in a culture where people only saw the color of a person’s skin, the genius inside was invisible . . . until he was on the stage performing.

Then there were the refined and gentile concert goers who stood and gave the man a standing ovation when he played the piano, but refused to let him eat with them at the same restaurant where he performed for them. The people were refined in their speech and manners, but their hearts were toughened by their prejudices and lack of deeper insight.

And finally, the crusty, tough, rough-mannered Italian driver whose language and mannerisms were boorish and rude, but whose character and candor revealed an inner integrity and a kind and caring heart.

It made me wonder about the way we see people, the way we judge people. Do we judge people because of their skin color, their mannerisms, their dress, their speech, their age, their position in life?

I wonder how many of us mistakenly allow what we see on the outside to define what’s on the inside.  Or perhaps we let negative experiences make us cynical so we expect certain behaviors from people who look a certain way.

Do we sometimes judge someone for their crusty exterior only to discover at a later time they actually have a soft and giving heart? Tony, the Italian driver, was tough and crude on the outside, but his inner sensitivities gave him the ability to peel away the outer persona to find the real person of character within. I’ve seen some people like this – rough and even rude on the outside sometimes, but ready to jump in and help someone in trouble. They may be the first ones to stop and help someone with a flat tire on the highway while the “refined” drive on by.

Do we at other times believe someone is good and kind because of their smooth talk and pleasant face, but later hear cruel and cutting words, witness hypocritical attitudes, or discover dishonest manipulations happening when no one is looking?

And yet, many other times people are exactly what they appear to be on the outside. A refined, gracious person really is kind and sincere. A rough person actually is mean and thoughtless.

How do we discern? Or can we?

Maybe that’s why Jesus tells us not to judge. Often we only see the outer persona and miss the inner person inside with their longings, sin, and motivations, warts, and beauty. Only God sees the inner person. Only He knows their heart and motivations. When we try to judge people, we can easily miss the mark.

But Jesus also told us to love our neighbor. And He wasn’t just talking about the person we’d like to sit and have coffee with. Yes, He wants us to love that person too. But in His story about the good Samaritan, He made it clear He was talking about anyone who needs our love and care. And that is pretty much all of us, I guess. We all need love. We all need respect. And we all need grace –regardless of what we look like on the outside—or even how we behave and act. We all need the love of Jesus.

And as Christians, I guess that’s what we need to do—to do what Jesus told us to do – to love others, regardless of what we see on the exterior. If we could all really do that, it would be a wonderful world, wouldn’t it?

And if our world would learn what Jesus was trying to tell us, it would be even better.

Those are just my thoughts. What do you think?

 

Check out my books on marriage – Broken Heart on Hold, Surviving Separation and Fighting for Your Marriage while Separated.

Share
Filed Under: Expectations, forgiveness, How to win, Jesus, mistakes, national concerns, Peace, Problems, Reconciliation, Truth, Trying to understand, Uncategorized Tagged With: , , , , , ,

Learning about the Power of Praise – Again

September 15, 2020 by 4 Comments

Photo by Debby Ledet

During this pandemic one of the strange advantages my husband and I have discovered in having to watch online church is that sometimes we can watch more than one service from different churches on the same Sunday morning. And sometimes it’s amazing how God uses different services at two separate churches to hammer home a message He has for us.

Our hearts were crushed over some difficult circumstances we were experiencing because of the heartache thrust upon someone we loved. We knew God was in charge, but we couldn’t see Him working. The circumstances looked bleak. The breakthrough we’d been praying for just wasn’t happening.

As we connected to our online church that morning, our hearts were heavy. When the service at the first church was over, we connected to the second church that started fifteen minutes later than the first. We were just in time to hear the beginning of the sermon. Both of the messages that morning spoke of God’s love for us and our praise back to Him in response. Both services incorporated singing in the midst of the sermon message—a rather unusual approach for each. The first message spoke about our communication with God being a two way conversation. The second was specifically about praising God in song.

Two Churches – Same Message – Same Song

I was still struggling in my mind with the problem at hand during the second church service, when the soft refrains of a song that had already been sung at the first church we listened to began in this totally separate church.

“I love you, Lord, and I lift my voice . . . .“

This was not a currently popular song we would expect to hear in 2020, but an older song that had been a meaningful one to me personally for a number of years. For two different churches to use it on the same Sunday morning in our hearing during this painful time seemed one of those strange coincidences orchestrated by a loving God, and it touched me deeply. As the words of the song penetrated my heart, my eyes filled with tears.  I felt God moving.

Even though we were not at a physical church, but sitting in front of my computer, my husband and I began to sing.

“. . . to worship you, oh my soul, rejoice. Take joy, my king, in what you hear. May it be a sweet, sweet sound in your ear.”

God was speaking to us. He was getting my attention. I saw that God wanted to soften our hearts so we could experience his presence and joy in the midst of our pain. He wanted us to trust Him.

And so God was teaching us – again—about praise, about the power that comes when we lift our hearts in praise even in the midst of difficult circumstances.

Remembering  Another Time

As I lifted my voice to God, I remembered a time many years before when the church we were attending began with a praise service so powerful and beautiful that it bled into the sermon time. Because God’s Spirit was moving so powerfully throughout the congregation and many people were visibly responding, the pastor actually skipped his sermon so the praise could continue.  I’ve never seen this happen before or afterwards at any church.

But I was one of the ones so strongly affected.  My husband and I had just begun to reconcile our marriage after our three year separation, and my heart was still filled with pain. During that praise service, the tears erupted in my eyes as I felt God’s perfect love washing away the imperfect experience of love that had held me hostage for those three years. As the music, the praise, and the words of adoration peeled through the sanctuary, healing flowed through my veins and into my spirit. The words of praise reached down into the very caverns of my soul where the pain had become so imbedded, and flowed into the crusty places of my heart.  As I continued to quietly weep, I felt God’s love flooding through me, replacing the residue of broken promises and abandonment that had caused such pain. It was like standing beneath a waterfall where God’s cleansing flood of love washed through me again and again to lift my heart to Him so I could release the pain through my tears.  It was during that praise service when God’s Holy Spirit washed through my spirit and cleansed away the pain of our separation.

God is Still Working

So this morning, as we struggled with a new sorrow, God was again reminding me of His omnipotence. He was pulling me out of my melancholy and lifting my eyes and heart to Him. He wanted my husband and me to remember He was still in control. He was still working – even as the next song, “Waymaker” began to ring through the airways.

“You never stop. You never stop working.”

No, He never does. He never stops working. He’s always working out His perfect plan in His creation even when we can’t see it and in our lives when we put our trust in Him and bring Him into our circumstances.

Lifting our hearts in praise to God sheds the debris of doubt and disappointment to remind us that Jesus didn’t promise to keep us out of trouble. In fact, he said, “We will have trouble. But take heart, I have overcome the world” (John 16:33).

Yes, He is the Overcomer. He is the One who can bring “beauty from ashes and the oil of joy in place of mourning” (Isaiah 61:3).

The power of praise is a mystery, transcending our own understanding to inject God’s power into the circumstances of our lives so He can heal our hearts, remind us of His sovereignty, and transform our lives into new reflections of His holiness.

Listen here to I Love You Lord by Maranatha

If your heart is breaking because of a troublesome marriage, you don’t have to walk this journey alone. Let my book, Broken Heart on Hold, Surviving Separation, be a friend to you.

Share
Filed Under: Fear, Grief, Hope, How to win, Letting go, Pain, Praise, Problems, spiritual warfare, Surrendering to God, Trusting God, Uncategorized, Where is God? Tagged With: , , , , , , , ,

Healthy Living Series—Interview with author, Susan Neal

August 26, 2020 by 1 Comment

In the year of Covid, our lives are more intertwined with health concerns than ever before. Stress exacerbates health issues, and health issues exacerbate stress. Finances, jobs, school, relationships and health all lumped together in a pot of worry stew. When facing other challenges in life, our health sometimes takes a back seat. But during these precarious times, we need to take care of ourselves and be aware of how to nurture our bodies so we can stay strong and healthy. If you are going through challenging times with health, weight, or diet, award winning author Susan Neal’s series of books called the Healthy Living Series may provide the encouragement you need to live a healthier, more productive life. Susan is an RN with a masters in health science and an MBA and has a passion to help others improve their health.

Linda: Susan, what prompted you to write this series of books that you call the Healthy Living Series?

Susan: When my sister was diagnosed with gluten sensitivity, she asked me to help her stop eating wheat. From my experience, this is difficult to do, so I created a seven-step plan for her to follow. My sister took the seven-step plan to heart. Her liver enzymes returned to normal, her pre-diabetic state reversed, and her irritable bowel symptoms disappeared. However, she continued to eat sugary foods, not recognizing their effect on her health.

One year later, she got rosacea and needed to get off sugar as it contributed to this condition. She repeated the same seven-steps with success. But more than that she lost a lot of weight, her joints no longer ached, and she felt energized. The rosacea disappeared too! I thought others could be helped through this seven-step plan so I wrote 7 Steps to Get Off Sugar and Carbohydrates.

Linda: Would you describe for us that 7 step plan?

Susan:  Yes, these are the 7 Steps to Get Off Sugar and Carbohydrates

  1. Decide to improve your health through proper nutrition.
  2. Acquire a support system and knowledge to help make a lifestyle change.
  3. Clean out the pantry and refrigerator by removing unhealthy foods and clean out your emotions with God.
  4. Purchase healthy foods plus an anti-Candida cleanse.
  5. Plan for the start date to begin changing your eating habits.
  6. Prepare and eat foods differently than you did before.
  7. Improve your health through continuing this new lifestyle, never turning back to your old eating habits.

Linda: I understand this is a series of three books. What are the three books included in, Healthy Living Series: 3 Books in 1?

Susan: The first book in the series, 7 Steps to Get Off Sugar and Carbohydrates, won the Selah award and became a number #1 Amazon best seller. I wrote the second book, Christian Study for 7 Steps to Get Off Sugar and Carbohydrates, to help readers deal with emotional eating. Sometimes emotional wounds from trauma, abuse, or tragedy need healing to stop the cycle of emotional eating. The final book in the series, Healthy Living Journal, won the Golden Scrolls Award for best inspirational gift book. It helps track your eating and well-being to figure out if a specific food is causing problems. I put all three books into a mega book, Healthy Living Series: 3 Books in 1 so readers could purchase all three books for the price of two. You can click here and scroll down the page to read the first chapter of each of these books.

Linda: There’s a lot of health books out there, but I think you add something more to help the process be more successful.  From the title of your second book, it sounds like these books are written from a Christian perspective.

Susan: Yes, they are. Changing ones eating habits is challenging. I know because I craved sugar and carbs when I lost my health nine years ago. I suffered with ten medical diagnoses and two surgeries. One of those issues, a Candida overgrowth in my gut, caused me to desire the wrong kind of foods. As I was struggling to remove alcohol, sugar, and refined carbohydrates from my diet, I used God’s mighty weapons of prayer and the sword of the Spirit to fight temptation. I’ve incorporated many spiritual tactics into these books such as having a prayer/accountability partner. I couldn’t have regained my health without God’s help. 

Linda: I think that is important. Even when we realize we need to change our eating habits, it can be very hard to do. What advice do you have for our readers?

Susan: Many people have lost hope about recovering their health or weight as 50 percent of Americans suffer with a chronic illness and 40 percent experience obesity. But there is hope! God gave us nutritious, healthy food to eat. We need to replace processed food with God’s food, and gain knowledge and spiritual support to reclaim our health. With God’s help, you can!

If you choose to embark on this plan, you will radically improve your health and energy by merely removing sugars and refined carbohydrates. However, this plan is not a diet, where once you complete the seven steps, you’re done. This is a lifestyle change. Typically, diets are unsuccessful because after people lose their desired weight, they go back to old eating habits, which caused them to gain weight in the first place, and find themselves facing the same challenges again and again.

That’s why I’ve gone even deeper and created a course, 7 Steps to Reclaim Your Health and Optimal Weight. This course helps identify the root cause of poor eating habits and resolve it. Once resolved, you get your normal palate and self-control back. When you make this lifestyle change you can experience the life God intended for you to live. You will also be in better shape to serve Him better. 

Linda: With everyone having to shelter at home, are there supplements to take or foods to eat that can help people stay healthier so they are more apt to ward off this virus?

In addition to prevention tactics that I’ll list below, boost your immune system so your body can fight off the virus if you become exposed to it. Follow these immune building tips:

  • Take echinacea. I’ve taken Esberitox for over twenty years. This supplement includes two varieties of echinacea. The chewable tablets taste similar to SweetTarts so kids take them easily.
  • Avoid high sugar foods because sugar decreases the immune system. Don’t eat foods or beverages with added sugar, that includes sugar-laden coffee drinks.
  • Take a daily probiotic to enhance your gut microbiome which is where many of your immune cells are derived.
  • Avoid getting extremely cold. Lowering your body temperature reduces your immune system.
  • Eat a balanced diet with lots of vegetables and fruits. Avoid processed foods.
  • Increase your vitamin C intake by taking a supplement and eating citrus fruits.
  • Get your vitamin D through a supplement or get in the sun.
  • Exercise a couple of times a week.
  • Moderate your alcohol intake.
  • Sleep at least eight hours.

If you are interested in more immune boosting tips watch a YouTube video that Tina Yeager and I created “Immune Boosters You Might Already Have in Your Kitchen.”

Linda:  What are the prevention tactics people need to use to protect their health and stay healthy?

Susan: The number one thing you can do is wear a mask when you are in public. In addition, wash your hands for up to one minute, especially after touching surfaces in public places. After washing my hands in a public restroom, I grab an extra paper towel and use it to open the bathroom door to leave. I use that same paper towel to push the door open to exit the building. I leave the paper towel on the floorboard of my car to discard later.

Also, keep a container of antibacterial wipes in your car. Use a wipe to open doors to public buildings. After shopping, especially when handling money or signing with a public credit card pen, wipe your hands with a wipe when you return to your vehicle. Phones and purses pick up a lot of germs. Wipe off the bottom of your purse, wallet, and phone with an antiseptic wipe.

Linda: Where can readers find more about you and your books in the Healthy Living Series?

Susan: Readers can find my books, courses, and numerous free gifts such as 7-Days to Reboot Your Metabolism at SusanUNeal.com. My motto is “Inspiring others to improve their health so they can serve God better.” May God bless your readers’ endeavor to improve health and well-being.

 

Share
Filed Under: BOOKS, Feeling unworthy, health, health issues, Hope, How to win, Interviews, New Directions, stress, Uncategorized, weight problems Tagged With: , , , , , ,

More Heart Talk on Heart Talk

August 20, 2020 by 9 Comments

Photo by Mimi Thian

When I first envisioned writing my blog and calling it Heart Talk, it was with the idea of connecting more personally with my readers. Since I frequently receive emails from those reading Broken Heart on Hold or Fighting for Your Marriage while Separated, I thought a blog would give readers an opportunity on a regular basis to respond to what I write and ask questions, tell their stories, or whatever they’d like to say. In addition, I hoped to create a community of my readers who could not only respond to me, but respond to one another as well.

Many times I get an email or comment from one person whose situation is similar to someone else who has also written me. I think, “It would be great if they could connect and support each other.”  Community and support systems are very meaningful. We have seen that in our Marriage 911 classes. Many times someone comes to class feeling they are the only one going through something, only to discover others grappling with some of the same issues. Participating in one of our small groups often becomes one of the most meaningful aspects of the class for many of those who attend. I see the encouragement on their faces and hear their words of support in their sharing. It becomes a community of life giving hope.

Some of you don’t know anyone going through what you’re going through. You don’t have classes like Marriage 911 to attend. You feel alone and isolated. What I’d like to do with Heart Talk is to bring you in—to include you in a community of people who can share and support each other through the trials and struggles of life.  Of course, because of my books on marriage, many times the struggles involve marriage. But sometimes, it might be a struggle with your faith or something else.

You know if you’re reading one of my books that they are intended to speak to your heart, to engage your thinking, and give you encouragement. That’s what I want to do with Heart Talk also. Heart Talk is intended to go beyond the books, to reach out to you and bring you into community. You don’t have to use your real name when making a comment. An alias is fine. Just make your comment at the bottom of this post.

So let’s begin sharing heart to heart. What would you like me to write about? Do you want to make a comment about one of my past posts? Or questions? I’d like to hear from you.

To encourage your comments this week, I’m going to offer one of my books in a drawing. Each person who comments will be entered into the drawing. If you are the winner, you can choose which of my books you want me to send you. Here are the choices:

Broken Heart on Hold, Surviving Separation, my first book, is written to be a friend to you as you journey through a crisis in your marriage. Wherever this journey is headed, you need strength to make wise decisions and take the next step on the path you are traveling. Broken Heart on Hold walks with you on the journey to help you become stronger emotionally and spiritually. Written in short one – two page segments like a devotional book, it’s a book many people read again and again.

Fighting for Your Marriage while Separated, A Practical Guide for the Brokenhearted, guides a person step-by-step through the complexities of a separation by sharing practical insights, biblical wisdom, true stories of reconciled marriages, and experiences from my own personal story of reconciliation after a three-year separation from my husband. The book shows how one spouse who wants to restore a broken marriage can find the hope and help he or she needs even if they’re fighting for their marriage alone.

The Bunny Side of Easter, my children’s Easter picture book, is an exciting adventure story about an ordinary rabbit whose heroism makes him the Easter bunny and the rabbit on the moon. Through bits of allegory, the book points children to the true meaning of Easter and the greatest hero of all. If you as a parent or grandparent feel a disconnect between the Easter bunny and the true meaning of Easter, this book provides a sweet answer for the children in your life.

If you’re the winner, you can choose any of these books, and I will send them to you in the mail.

So, what would you like to say this week? I’m looking forward to your comments below.

 

Share
Filed Under: BOOKS, comfort, Fear, Feeling unworthy, Hope, How to win, Lonliness, Marriage problems, Pain, Peace, Trying to understand, Uncategorized, Worry Tagged With: , , , , , , , , , , ,

A Waste of Time

June 25, 2020 by Leave a Comment

Photo by Jon Tyson

After spending the morning pulling weeds, I sat on the porch and gazed out at our yard. Was all my effort pulling weeds a waste of time? Would they all grow back? I thought of the many hours I had spent over the years pulling weeds only to have to go back before long to pull more. A weed magnet—that’s our yard. I could never get them under control.

Was it just a waste of time?

With that question lurking in my mind, I sipped some iced tea and began leafing through a magazine. My eyes fell on an article about missionaries working in an unnamed country with very strict laws. Recent regulatory changes required the missionaries to acquire a building and meet very high standards that would take time to develop, They weren’t sure they could do it before their visas expired. The article told of the many months that passed as they prayed and searched their host city for a property that met the very detailed specifications. After a number of potential arrangements fell through, they grew more and more discouraged. But then, right at the last minute, they found what they needed and were able to meet all the specifications. They called it a miracle.

All the time it took them, I thought. It seemed a waste of time. They were missionaries. They were praying, and yet . . . it still took time.

So was it a waste of time?

I am so project oriented I often measure the success of my days by how much I accomplish on my list. Time is important to me. I hate wasting time—especially when the computer freezes up or I misplace something and have to look for it—or a hundred other things that seem to take longer than necessary. Some of you may feel having to stay home during this pandemic has been a waste of your time.

But the strange thing is: God doesn’t seem to care if we waste time. When I think about how long it took for my first book to get published even though it’s now helped so many people, when we think about the story of the missionaries or many other instances in which someone has been praying for a long time for their marriage to be reconciled or their health to be restored, we can’t help wondering, “Why doesn’t God answer immediately?” He certainly has the power to do it. Wouldn’t it be more beneficial to everyone for the prayers to be answered quickly? After all they are PRAYING!

But when I ponder over that question, I realize time doesn’t seem to be God’s biggest concern.

God seems more interested in something else.

To begin with, 2 Peter 3:8-9 reminds us, “With the Lord a day is like a thousand years, and a thousand years are like a day. The Lord is not slow in keeping his promise, as some understand slowness. He is patient with you, not wanting anyone to perish, but everyone to come to repentance.”

So for God, the process is apparently more important than our timetables. First, He wants those in our sphere of influence to “come to repentance,” to come to salvation so they can become children of God.

Secondly, He is interested in how we go about trying to achieve our goals. What are we doing while waiting—or looking for something lost? Grumbling? Complaining? Angry at God or others? Slumping into depression? Or are we using this time to come close to God and ask for direction and counsel? Perhaps He wants to use this time to refine our characters and help us grow closer to Him. Do we pause and pray? Seek answers from scripture? Talk to Christian friends? Praise Him in the midst of our trials? Are we growing in some way?

James 3:8 instructs us to: “Come near to God and he will come near to you. James 3:10 says, “Humble yourselves before the Lord, and he will lift you up.”

Perhaps God’s purpose for allowing us to trudge through the process is reflected best in Paul’s instruction to the Philippians. “Continue to work out your salvation with fear and trembling, for it is God who works in you to will and to act according to his good purpose.” (Philippians 2:12-13)

Finally, 1 Peter 2:5, shares God’s ultimate purpose and design for these unwanted periods of “wasted time.” For those of us who are Christians, 1 Peter 2:5 says, ”you also, like living stones, are being built into a spiritual house to be a holy priesthood offering spiritual sacrifices acceptable to God through Jesus Christ.”

All in the Process

Our Christian life is in process. God wants to continue to grow us so we can win the race and be all that we can be when we enter His kingdom. What we consider a waste of time may actually be an opportunity to dive more deeply into God’s purposes. God is more interested in the process we are going through than the achievement of our goals. For in the process, He wants us to turn to Him and use our times of uncertainty to come closer to Him in relationship.

The same is actually true of my weeds. Although I often begrudge the need to do it, my work pulling weeds often becomes a special time with God. In those quiet moments, if I’m listening, God speaks to me through the mysteries of His creation and teaches me more about life, love, and how to know Him better.

So is it a waste of time? No, it’s all in the process. If we’re listening and seeking, if we want to win the race, God can use those lost moments of wasted time to show us more of Himself.

 “I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus.” Philippians 3:14

If you’ve been praying for your marriage and you still don’t know if reconciliation will take place, you may find help in my new book, Fighting for Your Marriage while Separated.  There’s hope even if you’re fighting for your marriage alone.

Share
Filed Under: disappointment, Expectations, Goals and Resolutions, How to win, Knowing God, Time with God, unanswered prayers, Uncategorized, Where is God? Tagged With: , , , ,
« Previous Page
Next Page »
Return to top of page · Copyright © 2024 Linda Rooks All Rights Reserved · Return to Linda Rooks